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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Balancing the band ..

Sooo , I enjoyed last nights big band night , it was kinda refreshing .. A lot of shit came out of WW2 but also I guess it was also a king-size catalyst for some great fukin music ... There's nothing better than listening to a huge group of musicians who can actually play their shit !!

Made me wanna go in the back garden , dig out the spade ( sorry !! ) and build my very own Anderson shelter ..

Umm !!

Tonight I'm engineering a rock night , so I expect the exact opposite I suppose ?

But you never know , I may be surprised !!

Waving and riding ... Phew !!! Far too much to take onboard for any mere mortal , never mind the President of the United States of America .. Good job it wasn't fitted with a bell Sir , Gawd forbid the jointly co-ordinated response lobby task force you would've been required for that monumental ball-breaker !!!!


For those of you who don't know ... Dead Air Space is the RH blog for the recording of their new album .. Man I anticipate a lot of shit , but I totally yearn for this recording : If only for the reassurance that real sonic experimentation still exists out there ??

And so you fukin shouldn't ... Although there is really only one use for a Gas centrifuge and a whole skip load of reasons not to use it's byproduct ?? The American response is also becoming more and more believable ... Which is kinda worrying .. Ho hum !!

Right ... Lunch

Bye .

Monday, February 27, 2006

British TV... sucks !!!

Err , Happy Monday people , the weekend was total carnage as per usual , met a load of mates , went to the pub for T's birthday and then we all got sozzled . I left the pub at about 2am and just got as cab home ? Wonder If I'm getting old eh !!

Sunday I did fuck-all apart from watch the whole series of Commander In Chief that I'd downloaded from TVtorrents I fukin love this site . You know , my widescreen TV hasn't been turned on for like 2 months now , it just sits in the corner of my front room looking sad and gathering dust , any TV that I watch nowadays just get's downloaded and I must admit that's it's all American stuff coz British TV totally sucks nowadays ..

Note to British TV producers : What the fuck am I paying my licence fee for ?? Your programming truely fukin sucks , no really it does !! I switch my TV on and just find a schedule of DIY home improvement , Gardening , makeover , reality shows , ten year old films and any number of shite ( made for a fiver ) content for doughnuts piles of crap ? Jeez louise , up your standards will ya , it's fukin embarrassing ... You all moan about piracy , well give us something to fukin watch then !!!

I digress ..

So tonight I've been asked back to engineer that Big Band that I did at the backside of last year , it's fun to watch but not really difficult to do , so I should be in for a good night . Tomorrow is a big rock night thing so that should be fun and then I have a day off and then a day in the studio and then it'll be Friday and the club again .. Not too much of a full on week really ..

Well .. you say that !!

Ok , I've had this idea for doing T-shirts for sound engineers for ages , so on my day off I'm gonna start looking into that .. I'm kinda after Bold stencil print T-shirts that me and my peers can wear on the job so to speak .. You know stuff like " DONT BUG ME ... or i'll make your band sound shit " and " IF YOU'RE A SINGER ... then I'm a f**king banana !! " You kind of get the idea..

There you go again mate , chucking your ideas away on a fukin blog ??

Ok , what's in the news ..

What's wrong mate , craving a Big Mac or something are you ?

Yep it's all a bit quite on this front at the mo , but watch it heat up towards the 20th March !!

This .. scared the shit out of me when I first saw it as a kid and it still does to this day !!

And ..

Stop it , it's just plain backwards ??

Ok , things to do , people to see !!

Bye ..

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Diplomatic dickhead !!

Sooo , There's this little Asian kid at the bar last night screaming to be served and he's like : " Give me a fucking drink , I've been waiting for hours ". Now I know bar staff and I know that the longer you hastle them , the longer they will make you wait for a drink . If you're nice you get nice in return : simple equation really !!

But , this kid .. Oh no , he just wasn't having any of it : " Give me a fuking drink !! "

E ( the head barman ) comes over and he's like : " If you don't shut up , you won't get served mate , it's that easy "

Well , this kid spits his dummy out big time , picks up an empty drinks basket and throws it across the bar and into E 's face . Stupid move son , really stupid !! The radio's come into action and security gets called ...

S ( the head of security ) arrives sharpish and grabs idiot boy by the arm and marches him off , is he going quietly ? Is he fuck !!

Idiot Boy : " Get your hands off me , you have no right to touch me "

S : " Listen mate , your being thrown out , I have the right to use whatever force I see fit to do the job !! "


S : " Do you know who you think you are mate ? "

IB : " You have no right , I'm gonna sue you for every penny your worth !! "

S : " Yeah whatever ... Give me your coat check ticket and I'll get you coat brought up "

IB ( getting his mobile phone out ) : " I'm calling the police , and my solicitor !! "

S ( throwing IB out the door ) : " Ok well fuck you and fuck your coat then !! "

So IB spends the next 10 mins ranting at the door about how out of order we all are , all the while making calls on his mobile phone ...

S : " Get away from the door please little man "

IB disappears ( for a while )

Half an hour passes and all of a sudden two police cars and a heavy looking riot van full of coppers turns up at the club ??

IB appears again with a torn blood stained shirt ???

IB ( pointing at S ) : " That's him , he beat me up , that's him , I WANT HIM ARRESTED , NOW !!! "

What the fuck ???

Anyway , we all go to the back office to have a chat with the coppers , prove our innocence and review the club surveillance tapes which of course reveal nothing apart from what went down , which was him being a dickhead and then of course him being thrown out of the club ??

The police apologise for wasting our time and escort IB out of the building , he's still moaning about his precious fukin coat , so I'm like give me your fukin cloakroom ticket dougnut ..

I toddle off to the cloakroom and retrieve a very very expensive looking cashmere number and return to the frontdoor ...

Me ( holding his coat with one arm outstretched ) : " Here's your fukin coat mate !!"

IB's just about to take his coat when I accidentally let it slip out of my hand and into a nasty looking puddle of water and car oil which I just happen to be accidently standing over outside of the club ...

Me: " Ooooh ... Who put that puddle there , there should be laws against puddles like that ?? "

The coppers smirk , the doormen smirk , the people in the queue smirk .. In fact the smirking seems to reverberate all around central London !!

Ooops ... Sooo sorry mate !!!

What a fukin doughnut , seemingly this kids father is a diplomat ( thus the heavy police presence ) so obviously this kid has diplomatic immunity which of course allows him to go around acting like a complete fukin prick ??

Not in our club mate , your barred for fukin life !!

Still can't work out how he got the bloodstained shirt though ??

Note to IB : Have you ever considered the fact that while your wasting police time , somebody may have been raped or stabbed or shot or something cos you were stopping the coppers doing their real jobs ... DICKHEAD !!!!

What a fukin dougnut !!

Ok , tonight is T's ( the guy over from NY ) birthday , so all the lads are getting together in West London for a right jolly-up .. Woohoo !!

Ok ... I have shit to do .

Laters .

Friday, February 24, 2006

Pinball wizard ( ish )

Ok , so .. I'm gonna go down and finish reprogramming the lighting rig at the club today , I was actually dreaming about it last night ( sad !! ) so I guess my brains warming up for the ' lampy marathon challenge ' that lies ahead ..

I found out last night that the Polish gig is in May and not March so that's all on again plus there's another gig in Hungry ( Budapest ) and a huge summer ball thing ( for posh kids ) at the Savoy , so the summer work is already starting to pile in .. Woohoo !!

I'm definitely gonna have a holiday this year , I always forget and it gets to late to go . So this year I'm gonna try and do it .. I'm sure you lot think I live the life of Reilly , but I ain't had a ( summer ) holiday for like 5 years now . It's not all fun and games ya know !!

Yep , maybe the South of France or Venice Italy or some shit .. I donno ? Or I may just go hillwalking in the Lake District , we'll see ..

Actually , I could go to Ibiza , or actually not !! You kinda need another holiday just to recover from that one ?? My mate D went over a couple of years ago for the weekend to do some pre-session DJ gig , he ended up at the Manumission Motel ( the place were all the DJ's , performers , strippers etc. hang out ) he returned like 7 months later a changed man . Poor kid couldn't even string a sentence together and I don't think he ever fully recovered to tell you the truth ... Oooops , mine's a problem !!

He kinda just bounces up and down Portobello Road talking gibberish as if he's stuck in some eternal rogue pinball machine ?? So Ibiza , maybe not eh !!

I digress ..

Has Political correctness gone completely mad ???

Right motives, but the wrong end of the stick ...

Welcome to backwards world ???

So, ok... I better go and do some work eh ...

Out the door ..

Laters .

Thursday, February 23, 2006

No comment !!

Ouch .. Today we were the studio hangover crew.. My mate C had been doing some internet radio station and that had all gone pear-shaped when somebody turned up with a gram of coke , My mate B had been out all night doing gawd knows what , so he didn't even turn up for the sesh and Me ? Well I went to a closing down party at some pub that's been bought by real estate developers to turn into poxy flats ( another real pub hit the bricks !! ) and I kid you not , we drank the fukin bar dry !!!

So today was not the most productive studio day of the year , but we did manage to master a couple of tunes at extremely low volume ..

Ooof , all I can taste is single malt whiskey and this is like 20 hours later ...

So tonight I'm supposed to be at some awards ceremony , but to be honest , I'm going fukin nowhere .

Yep , a night in is definitely on the cards ..

It's stay in , watch a couple of DVD's and cook some food night .

Can I have my brain back now please ? I seem to have mislaid it behind the bar.

It's the one next to this security companies mislaid brain ..

That's all I have to say about that !!

Laters .

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bands to shout ( over ) about ?

Sooo , I went down and reprogrammed that lighting controller yesterday afternoon. It was way worse than I had originally thought as the bloody DJ had somehow managed to wipe off all the DMX addresses as well , kinda like the nightmare a postman would have if you removed all of the door numbers and restuck them all in a random pattern for a street of say 80 houses... Complete fukin mare but I battled through and eventually won the day !!

I'm gonna go back on Friday and finish the job , but I gave myself enough lighting to make the bands look half decent last night though ..

Ok , soo , the bands .. Ummm !!!

The headliners were pretty good , a rock band doing a sorta acoustic unplugged set , but as for the rest ? Pretty dire all round if you want the truth ..

They were all a combination of like four or five piece folk numbers and really nothing to write home about .. At all !!!

I gotta mention the crowd though , they had all come to see the headlining band , all about 20-30 ish and probably the rudest fukin crowd I've ever met ..Folk bands are generally quite anyway as the guitars are all mic'd as opposed to being plugged in ( ever tried to mic a classical guitar with a quiet player in a large venue , it's a fukin nightmare to say the least , especially when the venue only has dynamic mics as well )

Ok , the crowd .. Well they just wouldn't shut the fuck up and 4-500 people can make a lot of noise in a tight space !! Everytime I turned up the PA system so that the band could be heard , they would just raise the level of conversation ( actually , more like shouting at each other ) to match the PA .. Fukin rude !!

At one point , I even got on the mic from the mixing desk side and I'm like " Can we have a bit of respect for the performers please , in other words , can you all shut the fuck up thanks !!! "

That shocked 'em into silence for about 10secs and then they all just started up again , yap yap yap !! It was like trying to engineer a band in the middle of a fukin stockmarket trading floor ( now there's a video right there ! ) I say again fukin rude ..

Apart from that , I guess it was an ok night ..

So today my mate JR is coming over and were gonna go thru one of his tracks that I'm mixing in the house for him , all good ..

Ok I suppose I had better get my shit together and give him a call ..

Oooo , I would love this !!

Laters ..

Monday, February 20, 2006

DJ Breakdown ..

Monday again eh ! The weeks just seem to be flying past at the moment ..

Me and Little Mistress decided to go out on Saturday night to some party in West London which was kinda ok apart from the completely shite DJ who spoilt it for everyone by continually fuking with the tunes , he'd play like 15 mins of intro and then like a minute of beats and then another 15 mins of intro with him taking the bass out the mix and filtering the mids and then like another minute of beats etc. etc. etc.

Boring as fuck ... I don't know about you lot , but I kinda like to hear the tunes as they were originally recorded in the first place and not how the DJ thinks they should sound ?

Soo , when I do go out I like to be listening to the music and not the fukin DJ mixing two tunes together for 20 mins at a time .. So you can mix then can you mate ? Oooo ! Stone the fukin crows , genius at work ???

One of my mates went up to the guy and he's like : " Just play the fucking tune will ya , your doing everybody's sodding head in mate with your 15min fucking break-downs !! "

It didn't do any good though as the guy just kept playing to himself and not the crowd..

Bad DJ'ing skills all round I'd say !!!

What the fuck !!

So we left the party at 2am coz we really couldn't stand it anymore and just got a cab back to my place ..

Yesterday we met up with my mate JR and his girl and another mate T who's come over from NY to put down some vocals with various bands .

We're gonna be doing some work over the next couple of weeks which should be kinda nice , it's always a pleasure working with T ..

Yep , we all met up in some pub at the top of Richmond hill and spent the whole afternoon getting royally pissed and reminiscing about past gigs and tours and music stuff , as one does !!

Sooo , Me and Little Mistress staggered home at closing time and just fell into bed , I feel a bit rough today but I'm not working till tomorrow so I can just chill and nurse this hangover . Tomorrow I've gotta reprogram that fukin lighting controller at the club which should be fun , I'm not really a lampy ( lighting guy ) but I can get my head around most things electronic and I've done it before , so I guess I'll survive ... Then I have acouple of live bands to engineer in the evening , so should be a fun day ?

Little Mistress has just left to get the train home ..

Right , I need some food so I'm gonna cook for myself and then potter around on the internet ..

OMG !! , The Stepford wives meets the Middle East. Just what the Iraqis need eh , a concrete shopping mall hell ... Ummm , that'll make em like us !! Oh well , at least they'll be able to get around on the Park-n-ride and buy GAP hijab's ...

Laters .

Saturday, February 18, 2006

I've seen the light , and , have erased it all . Thanks !!

Ok , sooo that was a funny week , apart from being driven up the wall by the ( can I just put my view point forward one more time , and again and again and again ) It's been quite a good week for me ..

Oh and by the way , comment moderation is back off ( don't even go there she who is actually a he , Steve mate , ok !!! ) , can we all play happy families again , thanks ..

Life's just too short , and petty arguments kinda fall on deaf ears after a while here .. I mean , look at the title of this fukin blog for crying out loud !!

Sooo , Last night at the club , was one of those nights where everything that could go wrong ( electronically ) went wrong .. Your talking DJ mixers , lighting controls , overhead projectors , the lot ..

I actually don't mind nights like this coz I love the pressure of getting it all up and running again ( the time just zooms past for me ) .

I must say though , a hugh thank you goes out to the guest DJ who thought he was a bit of a programing wizard in the lighting department and somehow ( this still baffles the fuck out of me as you need a pin code to actually achieve it ?? ) managed to systematically erase every fukin programme on the venue lighting controller ( no mean feat , I can tell you ) .. Your talking bands , shows , general , performance , club , strobe , stage , the lot ??? Thanks mate , luv ya style !!

Note to that DJ : Don't touch the blinky , flashy stuff , it bites ok !!

So , I guess next week I'll have to take a day out and reprogram it all , I don't mind , I'll just invoice for the work ..

That guy easily gets my Numbnuts Style Award of the week ... Hands down !!

Actually , saying that ??

Little Mistress is coming over tonight , so I'm gonna cook her a nice Thai green curry a la me , and then we're gonna cuddle up and take stock of the week that was ..

She's up for this really great new job at the moment and I'm kinda excited for her .. She's past the second interview and at the meet the board of directors stage .. So , good luck babe I'm routing for ya honey !!

This , surely , still can't be going on ??

The Russian angle on the ( soon to be ) Iranian conflict , and same thing different corner ?

Also from the same stable ( ski )

Yum .. Yum .. Ouch !!

Sorry ladies , that's kinda sexist ...But I'm a bloke eh !!

Ok , I'm off to the chinese supermarket to do some shopping as only the finest ingredients will do for my gwirl and me ...

Bye ..

Friday, February 17, 2006




Thursday, February 16, 2006

Polish brits and stupid Supercomputers ?

Ok , Guess I popped open a can of worms with my smoking ban views then eh !!

Enough already me says ..

I'm not gonna really comment much on the Brits apart from the fact that Kate Bush was not recognised for Aerial so the voters know fuck all about real music in my opinion , but I suppose you got it right with the Artic Monkeys who are fukin brilliant and just make me ( after 16 years ) wanna move back up north !! As for the the Kaiser chaps , it's a good album but nothing we haven't heard before ??

Sooo , today London is stunning ? It's spectacularly grey , cold and it's pissing down with rain and to be honest if I didn't have to go to work , I would have stayed in bed all day and hibernated .. Roll on summer please .. It's all a bit SAD around here !!

I have a couple of bands to engineer tonight so it should be a doddle ( I hope ). I've just had a call asking me to go to Poland and do this band ( and then stay on for an extended holiday ) mid March . I jumped at the chance coz I've had some right laughs in Poland before , but , and it's a big but ( just like my ex's ) I checked my diary only to find out that I'm booked elsewhere on the same night .. Fucker , the people that have booked me usually do pretty pants mediocre band nights .. But if i've already said yes , then I've already said yes !!!

Damn it , I've just missed the chance to ogle at some of the most beautiful women on the face of the planet and get paid for it ... Bugger !!!

Now that was funny ( ish ) .. Me and my mate A were prattling about on-line ( pissed drunk ) the other week and he's like : " Let's theoreticaly desigh the best studio mac system we can for a laugh !! " You can do that on Apples web site you know .. Sooo , after much tooing and froing we designed this system with like an X-serve and three nodes and like 5 terrabytes of ram and a country full of hard disk space etc. etc. etc. as one does when pissed .. I think it all came to about £75,000 .
Anyway , as we were stupidly pissed and stuff , my mate A decided it would be a fun Idea to hit the send button on the fukin keyboard ( barring in mind that Apple have all my details in their server from past purchases ) Ha haaaa mate , funny as fuck ?? But , boys will be boys , so he got away with one kidney punch and a dead arm !!!

Ok , I'd forgotten all about this (as you do ) coz you tend not to remember about stuff that you did when you were silly drunk !!

Oh no !! Apple man has just called to tell me my order was ready and if I just tell him about my finance details , he can deliver it in 3 days ... Oooops !!!

Ouch !! I've just had to explain embarrassingly to Apple man exactly what had happened ..

Luckily , Apple man just laughed and said ( although not usually on this scale ) that it happens all the time and coz of their level of business it'll just go to someone else anyway .. Errr , thank fuck for that !!!

Ha !! There must be a whole army of people out there who practice drunk online stupididity on a regular basis ... And I've just joined their ranks .. Ouch !!!

Doughnut ..

Alrighty then !!

Ok , I suppose I should be going to work ..

Bye !!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Smoke the fukin government !!!

I spilt coffee on the bloody Mac keyboard yesterday and completely fucked it up , so I had to go to the West End and buy a new one , I got home last night and they'd given me the fukin wireless version by mistake ?? I don't use bluetooth as it trys to connect to every bloody mobile phone user that walks past the fukin house and I don't know if somebody else in close proximity uses bluetooth as well , but sometimes the keyboard would start to type all on it's own ( creepy ) and I found that programmes would just quit by themselves , not what you need really ??

I had to cancel my mate C in the studio today and go back to the West End to change the bloody thing ... So , I've just got back home again , this time with a keyboard that actually fukin works !!

Last nights gig was cancelled as they'd only sold about 5 fukin tickets , so I just went down the pub and got pissed with my mate A ..

Ok , so today our rights have been chipped away at one more time by our twatty fukin government !!

What can you say eh , a total ban , everywhere , for fucks sake !!

Now that's freedom of choice for you eh !!

Before you read further .. Read this : Ok I have nothing against a smoking ban and I can see the argument for a ban by Non Smokers , my dad had a heart transplant before he died so I'm fully aware of the risks involved .. But , I think a full ban on smoking is wrong and I think that smokers ( all 20 million of us ) should have the right to be allowed to have their own smoking pubs .. Ok !!

Now you can read on ....

I like nothing more than a pint and a tab in a run down old mans pub on a Sunday afternoon ..

But again , my civil liberties are being taken away by a bunch of fukin girly do-gooders.

Tony , mate , all the good things are bad !!! Your a fukin prick .. Leave me alone to make my own choices please ..

There's this pub that I used to love to go to in Kensington , until one day they decided to make it no-smoking , and you know what ? It's totally fukin dead nowadays , with no fukin atmosphere at all !!!

You know , It's lovely to know that I can drink myself to death for 24 hours , without the fear of getting lung cancer ??

And I can walk out the door of a smoke free pub and breath in the freshly laid fumes of a SUV rumbling down the highstreet. How perfectly lovely ??

What you gonna ban next eh , err how about drinking in pubs or those little pork scratching things or laughing or swearing ?

I suppose we'll all have to go outside for a tab ... In the fukin rain , and the cold .. Fuckers !!

I don't mind restaurants and most pubs having a ban , that's fair enough , but every pub and club in England , leave it out !! You won't be able to go outside clubs for a quick smoke so I guess I'll just not go clubbing anymore then eh ??

I remember doing a gig in the Troubadour on Santa Monica Blvd , Hollywood a few years ago and about every half hour , the club would completely empty as all the kids piled outside for a cigarette and I remember thinking : " You would never see something as fukin stupid as that in England !!! " , how wrong I was ?

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do ? Maybe It'll make me give up smoking , but , the last time I did that , I put on about three stone in weight ( which was fukin awful ) and suddenly I could taste everything ( including the car fumes , which I fukin hated ) and also it made me think far too quickly , I became hyperactive and really fukin depressed for some reason . So I started smoking again .. I don't know eh !!!

Fukin nanny state !!!

If this gets any worse , I'm gonna leave this country ( the country I love !! ) ... For good !!

Laters ...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine ... Ten things ..

Oh my gawd , he's about to do a valentines post : What the fuck is that about ??

Ok , sooo , Valentine ... Ten things ?

  1. Nothing is really known about St Valentine apart from the fact that he refused to deny Christ before the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 280, so the Romans chopped his head off , which is nice !! Even then where not sure if this was the right bloke who's name we use for this particular holiday ?
  2. I don't do it ... I don't need a special allocated day just to tell me to be all lovey dovey when I can do that all year round ...
  3. It's that day of the year when flowers , chocolates , restaurants and anything remotely considered romantic has it's price tag kicked through the stratosphere by all the greedy shop owning twats out there ??
  4. On the subject of restaurants , it's the best time to see miserable couples going hammer and tong at each other in a public place . I've seen some ( and been involved in one) absolute crackers in my time !!
  5. It's a showcase for what I can only call the worst graphic designers on the planet to come out of the woodwork and show off their genius to the world... Ho hum !!
  6. It's the best time to see fully grown men walking down the street with huge pink teddybears and shit .. Top !!
  7. With some women , if you miss it , you'd better have a good excuse or your fucked mate .. it's game over time , it really is !!
  8. It's the best time of the year to pull women , you can actually read the ' absolute desperation ' on some girls ( and mens ) faces as they really have to admit the fact that their not getting laid and are all alone at the moment . Awww bless !!
  9. It's the day when you can all nostalgic and retrospectively sad about the one that got away .. Boo !!
  10. ???
And before you say it , I will be making dinner for Little Mistress Sat night ( cos she says she likes to watch me cook ) and I'll also be taking her for a nice Sunday lunch ..

Just the same as I do almost every other weekend !!

I'm working tonight , easy night ... Engineering the rig for some huge speed dating event , can't see the point of dating on speed , you'd never shut the fuck up would you .. Ha !!

Don't know how or why I got this gig .. But I kinda thought it might be a laugh , so I'm doing it ..

And also , no I don't want an ID card thanks , why .. Because I reckon that after a couple of years it'll have everything on it , from your credit details to your past jobs to your medical records to any number of things and I don't know about you lot , but I've fucked up a number of times in my life and I don't want all that shit following me around forever , what's done is done eh !!

So no Tony , and to be honest , I've never met anyone who actually wants one of these things ..

I'm not a super clean living person and neither do I ever want to be , but I can still get credit and shit if I want it ( but only if I tell porkies on the forms ) and I really don't like the idea of being refused a mortgage or something just because I forgot to pay a parking ticket or didn't return a DVD or a library book or fucked up on some student loan in fukin 1986 thanks , coz if you added all these seperate incidents up on one ID card , you would be suprised just how many of us would be credit fucked for the rest of our lives ..

And , why the fuck should I pay for this , If you want me to have one of these , you fukin pay for it !!

So , for once in your life Tony , listen to your country , ya know , those people who gave you your fukin job in the first place and not just yourself mate ..

We don't want your stupid ID card , it won't help to combat fraud at all. In case you haven't seen the figures mate I'll just have fill you in shall I .. Ok , are you listening Mr Blair: The vast majority of fraud and Identity theft in our country , wait for it ... HAPPENS ON-LINE AND OUTSIDE OF OUR COUNTRY ... So how's your little card gonna help with that eh ???

Enough said I think ...

Listening to : J dilla , 'Doughnuts' , my gawd , the production on this album is absolute fukin genius , It's easily on par with De la Souls 'Three feet high and rising' Does it really take being on your deathbed to actually come up with magical ' all the stops out ' production on this sorta level ?? I don't know , but he certainly does !! Well done that man .. I certainly hope that I can leave a present for the world like this album when I go ;0) Rest in peace genius !!

Monday, February 13, 2006

A friend in need , can be a real pain in the arse !!

OK , Sooo ... Monday again , just a couple of meetings to go to in the West End today , so I can have a pretty relaxing day really , the weekend was a complete washout though. I got a call on Sat afternooon from my mate B and he's like : " Wanna come to a party in Canterbury ? It's SV's birthday so we're all off for a right jolly up and there's a space in the car " so I'm like : " Cool, yeah man , totally up for that mate , I'll go see the man on the way !! "

So off I trots to meet the man in West London , so I do the do's and then go to a local boozer to wait for B . Anyway , I get a call from my mate S and she's in a really bad way , her boyf has attacked her and she needs a shoulder to cry on " Ok , I was gonna go out but I'll meet up if you really need me to !! " , so we arrange to meet and I'm just left thinking : ' Damn , I really wanna go to this party , but a mate in trouble , is a mate in trouble ' . I call back B and tell him reluctantly that I'll have to take a rain ckeck this time as something has come up !!

Damn it !!!

Sooo , I sit in the pub waiting for S , and I wait , and wait , and wait , and fukin wait ??

What is it with women and fukin timelines ??

She eventually arrives at like 9:30 and by this point I'm fukin pissed off to say the least , but the last thing she needs is me having a go as well so I bite my tongue and buy her a drink .. We sit down and I'm like : " Ok babe , what's up mate ? " Her phone rings and she's like " Oh hold on I have to take this " , So off she trots to take the call outside as the pub is pretty noisy .. And I wait , and wait , and wait , and fukin wait .. She comes back in about 30 mins later and doesn't even apologise ? I say again , she's going thru shit so I bite my tongue !! She sits down and her phone rings again so off she trots outside again and I'm left in the pub again , by myself getting pissed and pissed off .. Fuck this for a game of soldiers , I go to the toilet and do a line of coke and wait like a fukin doughnut ?? She comes back in after another 20 mins and sits down , but as soon as she does , guess what ? The phone goes again !! So this time I'm left alone in the fukin pub looking like a spare part getting pissed and now high and feeling really pissed off by this point !!

This scenario continues all fukin night , I must have said like 10 words to her the whole fukin night ?? It gets to 12:30 am and I'm fukin livid , the only time I've seen S is when she came in to borrow my phone battery cos hers had ran out of juice !!!

I recover my phone battery and get a cab home in a right strop !!

I then proceed to sit up till like 7am getting drunk and finishing off the drugs by myself ???

She's been ringing me all day , but you know what , fuck her , I can't be bothered , I wouldn't do that to an enemy , never mind an old friend ??

I could've been having a right jolly up in Canterbury as well , twat !!!

So , yeah , a shit weekend was had .. Nevermind , I'll know exactly what to do next time she need my shoulder to cry on !!

I'll say no !!

Fuck it ...

Sooo , a friend in need , can be a real pain in the arse ..

No wonder your boyf is treating you badly honey , your probably driving him up the fukin wall if your treating him with the same blatant disrespect that you've just shown me mate !!

Good luck to you , that's all I'm saying !!!

Ok what else has been happening in the world ?

Err , Wrong Move Bozo ??

Why is this even being debated in the national press , Iran is not a nuclear threat , I've said it before , it's being set-up , this article is much more on the money though and this although a little theoretical in it's content , is probably not far from the truth .. Can't believe even the BBC are being fooled into falling for that nuclear shit though ??? Oh dear , It's all going a little bit WMD ( Weapons that magically disappeared .. )

Also , don't really know what to make of this ...

But you can watch the video and make up your own mind Here .... But don't take seriously any of the articles on this site as the News of the World really is full of contriving , scheming bollocks , shame half the country actually reads ( and believes ) this pile of shite newspaper ..

And finally on this subject ... Ooops , what's the plan Stan ???

Am I getting too political on this blog , ummm , I may have to move all the political shit to another blog just to cope with the content !!!

But what would I know , I'm just a cokehead !!!

And I so so soooo want one of these ... Please !!

Ok , I'm hungry so I'm off out for lunch ..

Bye ..

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The Shiniest Glitter ball in all the land !!!

There you go ... Shiny shiny , sparkle sparkle ... Sooo beautiful in all its polished, lustrous , effulgent , scintillating , resplendent glory and shit !!!

And look , it even matches the moon thingy !!!

Sooo, last night the club was mobbed again , in fact so mobbed that it became too much to even walk around , so I just hung out in the back office , drank JD and coke and watched the clock go around ( slowly !! ) ..

I find it impossible to speak to people with the club system belting out in the background , so nowadays I don't even bother , if people wanna talk to me , they know where I am and usually they find me about 1am when their too pissed to hold a decent conversation anyway , so I just stay the fuck out of the way ... My BBC mate J did turn up at 1:30 though which was nice , he was stone cold sober ( which was nicer ) and we sat and had a chat about the pros and cons of directing game shows for the BBC ( which is what he does ) and that was kinda interesting ...

So what's in store for the weekend ... Don't really know to be honest , there's a million and one places I could go , but you know what .. I can't be bothered. I've been out working in clubs and venues soo much this week that I actually don't wanna go anywhere remotely associated with the entertainments industry , I'd rather sit in a pub and get pissed .. Little Mistress is stuck out in the home counties as her train line is being repaired or serviced or something , soo , what too do ???

Ummm ..

Think I'll go for lunch and think about it ...

Oh and , are you lot still going on about this ... You really are kicking yourselves in the balls here chaps , your only setting up ( and justifying to the uninformed ) Iran to be invaded .. Stupid stupid , you really can't see the conspiracy for the trees can you .. Oh well , March the 30th people ... That's all I have to say about that !!!

Listening to : 10cc ' Dreadlock holiday ' , I don't really have to say anthing about this tune really , do I ..

Right , food ...

Laters ..

Friday, February 10, 2006

Souwf Lundun innit .. Eye eye !!

Ok , sooo . It was a really bright winters day yesterday and I knew the sun was going to set at approx 4:50 pm , so I decided to get the train an hour earlier on my way to work and go down by the Southbank and take some picture of the London Eye .. I got there a little late after sitting outside of Waterloo station on the fukin train for 30 mins ( bastard trains ) , but I managed to get these photos ... Shame the camera has automatic exposure compensation stuff , but I think that I did ok considering the limitations..

I used to be bang into photography whan I was a kid .. But couldn't afford to buy the endless rolls of film it would take to get a good shot , but now we are in the digital age and Little Mistress bought me a digi camera for christmas , I'm kinda getting back into it .. Soo , next plan of action .. buy a really good digital SLR and start where I left off all those years ago ..

Ok , last night was a bit pants and It really seemed to just go on and on and on and on ... and on ..

Nothing in the way of talent to write home about , but there again I'm not a big fan of British R&B .. We just don't really cut it compared to the Americans , and I can't stand that South London accent that all British R&B rappers tend to use .. Souwf Lundun peoples 'avin it ... Not in my book you'se ain't ?

It's all a bit bling innit larve ... Yey mannn !!!

I digress ..

The DJ kept re-equing the decks from his little £100 mixer but he was doing this while DJing from behind the speaker stacks and he kept turning the bass off completely so it all sounded shit , so I'm like : " Mate , leave the fukin eq's flat will ya for fucks sake , I've got a £25,000 mixing desk to do the sound from the FOH and you've trying to do it with some poxy little pony mixer " ... So he's like " Yeah mann ok " But as soon as I would get back to the desk , He'd fukin do it again , twat !! and because every R&B act had their backing track played by the DJ , he made the whole night sound shit !!

The little R&B girlies kept comming up to me and their like " Put some bass on it , innit , It's got no bass and fing !! " .. So I'm like : " Tell your little DJ mate , he's the one stripping it all off luv !! "

In the end , I just thought " Fuck it " and gave in ..

Apart from that , it was a fairly ordinary night and to be honest I was bored to tears ..

There really is only so much one can take from these self-centred little pap-rappers ( I've got a gun and the tongue and I'll blow you away , coz I'm the man ... Me me me me me !! )

'Av a word with your fine selves ... Please , it's dull ..

They had a late licence , so it dragged on and on and I was just glad to shut the rig off and go home in the end ..

So .. R&B , not for me ... Thanks !!!

Right , I'm hungry so I'm taking myself out for lunch ..

The club tonight , joy of joys ..

Bye ...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Grumbly Awards

Sooo , I've just woken up and it's bloody freezing in my flat , so I guess it's bloody freezin outside too .. There are blue skys and I can see the sun for once , but I guess it's still bloody freezing out there eh !!


The Grammy Awards 2006 ( or as I call um , ' The Grumbly awards ' )

Big fukin drumroll and trumpet fanfare ...... Da daaa daaaaaarrrr aarrrrup !!!!

Sooo , what have we learned today kiddies ?

Firstly :

Best electronic/dance album

Push the Button - The Chemical Brothers
Also nominated:
Human After All - Daft Punk
Palookaville - Fatboy Slim
Minimum/Maxium - Kraftwerk
LCD Soundsystem - LCD Soundsystem

Ok , I kinda agree with Push the Button ... But , who in their right fukin mind nominated Human After All- Daft Punk , I have it as my worst album of last year , it's fukin terrible and I mean really fukin terrible and also Palookaville ?? This didn't even skim the water in England and If I can remember rightly , we all cracked up in the studio when we listenend to his version of ' The Joker ' it is as it says it is , a fukin joke ... Minimum/Maximum is a great album , but it's just a live album of all their old stuff ??

Come on Lads , there's some fukin amazing electronic/dance music out there at the moment , why are you sticking to the easy ( we haven't really heard any of it , but the girl in the office said she liked it , so it must be good ) route ...

If you wanna do a dance album catagory , then find someone who knows something about dance music ...

Best dance song
Galvanize - The Chemical Brothers
Also nominated:
Say Hello - Deep Dish
Wonderful Night - Fatboy Slim and Lateef
Daft Punk is Playing at My House - LCD Soundsystem
I Believe in You - Kylie Minogue
Guilt is a Useless Emotion - New Order

Ok , I sorta agree with Galvanize again , but as for the rest ? Well you ( the judgy people ) are really not listening to anything dance that's not been force feed to you with a straw , are you ... Oh and by the way , that Kylie tune is a POP tune ?? It didn't play in any of the clubs that I go to , duh !!!

Yep , same shit ... Different year ..

I could go on about the other catagories .. but I really can't be arsed ..

Nice to see U2 up there ( again ) , that's kinda safe ( yeah everyone will agree with that , we'll be ok if we do that again ) .. Don't get me wrong , I love ' Sometimes you can't make it on your own ' , but the bass is not EQ'd at all well and it's far too loud in the mix ..

And as far as ' Boulevard of broken Dreams-Green day ' as record of the year .. Pah , rubbish ..

Example of the lyrics ..

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah............................... ?

Woooaaaahhh , genius lyrics , I bow down , I'm not worthy , it even says the word ( tee hee , he said it again ) fucked in the middle , so it must be good ... Ooooo !!!!

Sooo , the Grammys ... Safer than a bottle of JD at an AA meet , I think not !!

Ummm ...

So tonight , I've doing some R & B P.A. thing so it'll be easy peezy .. These R & B people rarely come with bands ( in fact never apart from at big gigs , but believe me the band ain't plugged in ) so it's always a couple of mics and a backing track ...

Bloody late licence though , so I don't get out of work till 3am .. Bugger !!

Note to R & B singers of the world ( actually this can apply to all gigging singers ) : Stop doing that really annoying trick of holding the mic upside down with your hand covering the mesh part ...Now I know you've seen Eminem do it on T.V. But , it leads to what we call the 'close proximity effect' and makes the fukin speakers feed back like fuck . R & B people always ask for radio mics so that they can do this and that's exactly why they don't get them ... You have been told , so now you know ... " It's feeding back ?? " Yep , why don't you just get on your hands and knees and stick the mic right into the monitor speakers , that'll fix it ??

So yeah .. An easy night for me really ..

Ok , I'm gonna try and brave the cold and go for a greasy spoon down the cafe ..

Bye ..

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Posterprick and Superfox

Soo , I've finally made the change from Safari to Firefox as a browser and about time it is to , for bloggers Safari really is a shit browser ( I always blog on Firefox , but I was still using Safari for day to day shit ) but , I was finding more and more that when I was clicking on a video links etc. , It was just all going tits up . So last night I got in from work and made the migration of contacts , bookmarks etc. I was expecting this to have taken ages but , one click and about five seconds later , everything was transfered . I even found a plug-in that makes the damn thing look like Safari. I really can't tell the difference apart from the fact that it works a lot better now ...

And as far as Explorer goes ( why the fuck do the majority of you lot still use this piece of shit ? ) , I consider my G5 as the Aston Martin of computers , sooo, If I'm driving an Aston... why the fuck would I wanna put a Mini engine under the bonnet ( hood ) eh !!!

Sooo , last night was complete kaos , I engineered 10 bands in one night in another of those battle of the bands type of things .. My hands are really fukin sore this morning from getting them trapped in flightcases and the general stage loading/unloading that has to be done on a big band night and I'm fukin aching from all the running around ..

Apart from some prick insisting on engineering his little band half way through the night and completely fukin up the FOH mix , it went really fukin well ..

Note to above said prick : Please don't waltz into a venue halfway through a band talent contest with ten bands and expect to jump into the soundbooth and take it over for one fukin band with no soundcheck and no fukin idea of the protocol being used for the night .. Unless your super dooper professional and have been engineering bands for years ( you weren't and obviously hadn't ) your just gonna fuck it all up .. It took me two bands just to undo what you had fukin done !!! It would have been ok but the band on after your band were an all girl band ( all girl bands sing in a different frequency spectrum to bloke bands , 3.5 K top lift/cut as opposed to 5 k and nothing really below 220hz ) and I just couldn't get the vocals above the instruments which pissed me right off.. Then I realised halfway thru their set that you'd turned the vocal compressor off ??? ( a vocal compressor squishes all the vocals so they sound more even in a mix ) ... Why the fuck would you go and do something stupid like that , no wonder your band sounded shite mate !!!

Prick !!!

So yeah , apart from that and my sore hands , the night went fukin really well ...

But , something happened that really really pissed me off . I'm sorry to rant but I need to get this out of my system , coz I was totally , totally upset about it and I feel like this country is being invaded from the inside at the fukin moment and I'm really not fukin happy about it Mr Blair mate :

What the fuck's he babbling on about now , he's like a child so he is ??

Well , this :

I walked into the venue last night and somebody had put up a load of recruiting posters from people like these idiots and this idiot around the fukin venue ( they were kinda inciting violence against the West and all that other shit they want ?? ) .. I didn't notice at first as they were all hidden in dark corners and made out to look like music posters but as soon as I did , I tore them all fukin down .. Why the fuck are you trying to recruit in a music venue for anyway ? You lot don't even appreciate music .. Listen fuck faces , I don't want to live in a violent oppressed society where the women have to cover themselves up and people with a sense of humour don't exist ? I love to look at beautiful women and I respect them for who and what they are , and I love having a laugh , it's mandatory for me . As I've said before , I don't care for you politics , fighting and imaginary friend worship , all I wanna do is drink beer , make records and shag birds , you'll never take that away from me , I'd die for it first , and you would be coming with me , I kid you not ..

I'm fukin British and proud of it , so if you can't integrate with us and respect our values , culture , religion and traditions then fuck off home !!!!

And as for trying to recruit your little army from within one of the places that I work , If I catch you doing it , well !!!

If I tried to raise a British flag or start a Religious sect or army on your turf .. You'd chop my fukin head off , so why is it being aloud to happen on ours ???

Just lighten the fuck up will you ... I can't be bothered !!!

I'm sounding really racist here , I'm actually not , just show me another side to all of this and I'll gladly accept you .. As long as you accept me as well ??

Oh and by the way , locking Abu Hamza up in a British prison will only allow him to recruit an army of followers from the inside .. Just deport the fuker , period , have done with him for good .. I swear to gawd I'm gonna go into politics because you fukers have absolutely no clue on how to deal with this shit .. Your all fukin pussy's at it , fuck diplomacy , these maggots will have eaten the apple core before you lot see that it's starting to rot. Stupid doughnuts ....

Ok ... Happy joy !!

Laters ..

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Raising the rafters ...

JR's band kicked ass last night , for a first gig I recon they fukin nailed it , a couple of mistakes , but otherwise , all good .. All good indeedy ..

Funny , there where a few tourists in the venue and I think the bands lyrics kinda scared the shit out of them ... Ha !!!

I'm so glad that I did the sound for them as the band who came on after sounded toss and I don't think it was the bands fault at all ... Shame !!!

Funny mix position , up in the club rafters , so bass trap central and I had to keep running up and down the stairs to check the main floor sound levels , a real pain in the fukin arse ??

Note to all live venue architects : There seems to be more and more live venues being designed split level nowadays , fukin stop it ? If you put the mixing desk up in the rafters , yeah you can cram more people in , but , what's the fukin point of that if the engineer can't hear the fukin bands properly. I absolutely hate having to anti-mix the sound , in other words I have to approximate what it will sound like downstairs and the counter that upstairs .. IT FUKIN SUCKS !!! Stupid doughnuts !!! It's bad design ... Stop fukin doing it. You wouldn't design a house with the taps upstairs and the bath downstairs so you had to keep runnning up and down the stairs to check if the tub was full enough or hot enough would you , eh ?? So why the fuck do it in a live venue .. It's just plain stupid !!!

Oh , and check this out for a back stage area .. Cool as you like .

So , yeah ... All in all a great gig plus I think there was some industry and press there to see the other bands , so I'm expecting some good feedback ..

Sooo , well done JR .. We've toured the world in other bands , but this time it's your baby mate , so change the nappies ( diapers ) slap some talc on and lets go kick some ass ..

Right , I'm out the door as I have another band night to do ....

It never stops ..

Laters ...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Fire ... FIRE !!!

Sooo , Tonight my mate JR is doing his first London gig with his new band and I'm doing the sound for him so it should be quite a laugh .. Daft bugger did two rehearsals yesterday and guess what ? He's gone and lost his voice !!! Good job that there's two lead singers and three backing singers to counter it ... He'll be ok though , worse things have happened at sea. I guess ...

So what did I do at the weekend ? Well Little Mistress came on Sat night and we went down the local boozer , rang the man and then got royally drunk ( makes a change eh !! )

Funny , we went to bed at about 6am and I'm just dozing off when Little Mistress jumps up and she's like : " Baby... The beds on fire !!!! "

Me : " Huh ...what ? "

LM : " Baby... The beds on fire !!!! "

Me : " Yeah babe , whatever , go back to sleep "

LM : " No baby , it really is .. on fire !!! "

And it was... on fire !!!

Me : " Holly guacamole , fuck me your right !!! , man the pumps .. I'm going in red leader !!! "

LM : " Will you mourn me if I burn to death ? "

Me : " Yeah , suppose so "

LM : " Wadda mean , suppose , Whata ya do if I wasn't here ? "

Me : " I suppose I'd have to get a new model then babe , eh "

LM : " But , but ... baby you don't mean that do you ?? '

Me : " Err , I'm not being funny babe , but... can we have this conversation some other time please , I'm kinda doing stuff with fire at the moment !! "

LM : " Ooooh , ok !! "

So the fire was put out and we laughed about it and went back to bed , minus the fukin cigarettes ..

And so , it came to pass that new sheets had to be bought , and they were , and we all rejoiced .

Unlike this lot who really really need to lighten up a little , coz killing people ( or , people getting killed ) over a couple of cartoons about your imaginary friend ... Ummm , that's a little fucked up in my book ...

Maybe you just need a pint eh ?

Or a cuddle !!!

Or both ..

Right , I have lots of stuff to do ..

So I'm out the door ..

Bye ..

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Ranty ranty rant rant !!

Ok , soo , Sat .. I'm off to see one of my mates in a while coz he's doing a photoshoot with his band , the photoshoot started at 8 am this morning ( to get the right amount of light and the lack of people on the streets ) but as you may or may not know , I run a club on a Friday night so I was fucked if I was gonna be going to bed at 7am and getting up at 8 ... Ooof , so I'm gonna meet them all down the pub after the shoot...

Last night the club was mobbed , so me and B sat in the back office with a couple of club kittens and demolished a whole bottle of JD , so I'm feeling a little tender this morning to say the least.. I did get around to polishing the glitter ball though , so now we have the shiniest glitter ball in all of old London town ( it makes a difference you know ??? )

It's gonna be a busy busy week next week as I have 3 live band to engineer at different venues across London ... All fun ..

This is verging on hideous ( at least with my hangover ) ... Uggg !!!

Oh and this , is complete bullshit , I'm totally with the Iranians on this one as I know about the facts and can see through all of the political fukin bullshit.

Note to the American government : The change from petrodollars to petroeuros in Iran on the March 30th is gonna happen ... Soo , just fukin deal with it you big babies and stop trying to kid us that they're some big bad terrorist nation that needs putting down like you tried to convince us Iraq was. We're not fukin stupid you know !! So just deal with the macroeconomics of the situation and take it on the fukin chin like a good boy eh !! Shit changes in the playground and eventually the bullies get outed as the truth emerges ..

Ok , why do I give a shit about macroeconomics and oil ( he does blabber on about it sometimes ) , Ok my Grandaddy was an oil rig designer so I've always had a facination about the black stuff . He used to take me to see the rigs getting built in Newcastle when I was likkle and as a kid it totally blew me away !!! Plus , living in London , I don't need a motor ( coz the transport system is first class ) and If I need one , I'll just hire one and over the years I've become more and more anti-car especially those SUV's or Chelsea tractors as we call em here .. Car drivers are just fukin lazy twats , what's the point of driving half a mile to the shops when you could get off your arse and walk . Your fukin polluting the environment for our future generations just because you can't be arsed to get off your fat lazy backsides and use your fukin legs . It's dissapointing .. You get these people who drive to the gym , one person in a fukin SUV spewing out carbon monoxide , what the fuck is that about , it's wrong , get off you fukin arse and walk it , I walk everywere and I don't have an ounce of fat on me ... Go fukin figure eh !!!

I have a real problem with those car driving cunts who slam their foot to the floor as soon as a light turns green and I'm crossing the road , then slam their brakes on and sound the horn .. Hello " Fukin human being alert !!! " you saving a tenth of second off you journey time does not equate to me ending up in fukin hospital ALRIGHT !! , just fukin WAIT !!!

If you do this to me and I'm not fully across the road , I will stand in front of your car for at least another 10 secs and verbally attack you till you go red in the face so DON'T FUKIN DO IT !!! Just coz you have the protection of a shiny peace of German metal around you , does not mean your life has priority over fukin mine , no matter how posh your fukin bit of tin is , I could afford a nicer bit of tin than yours if I really wanted to , but I don't want one ... OK !!!

I read some report yesterday on carjackings in central London , it was saying that 80% of carjackings were happening to top of the range car drivers ( BMW , AUDI , PORSCHE etc .. )

Well fuck me , if you don't wanna get jacked , then don't drive around in a posh coffin .. Simple really when you think about it ??

I remember watching this woman getting Jacked in Kensington once ( she was driving a convertible BMW ) and she's like : " Chase after him , he stole my purse !! " , so I'm like : " err fuck off luv , you can afford it , and I'm not gonna get stabbed to death over your bag thanks "

What's the point of spending £30,000 to sit at traffic lights all day ??? I can sit in the pub and have a much better time ...

Sorry and that , but by driving around in that bit of fancy tin , your just asking to be robbed , and your posh fukin blingmobile does not make me believe that you are some superior being with an IQ of a million or something , In fact: it just makes me think your a complete twat .. I'm kinda done with the keeping up with the Jones's shit .. My life already rocks and I don't need to prove it to you ...

Fuck me , that was a rant and a half , even by my standards ..

I think I need some food ..

Bye .

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The great parcel farce !!

Ok , I didn't have time to write about my parcel moment the other day so I'll do it now I guess ..

Soo , As you may or may not know , I had all my Christmas presents from my sister ( yes I have one of those things too !! ) stolen again this year ( happened last year as well ) . I automatically blamed ( sooo sorry chaps !! ) the Great British Post Office for their theft , as one does ..

I even put in a formal complaint !!

Anyway , the other day I was taking delivery of my new audio interface thingy and because it was kinda expensive , and I don't trust the normal post , I arranged ( at great expense to myself I might add ) to have it couriered to my home address , therefore I knew the exact time to the hour that it would be delivered ..

Ok , so I waited in the house for the above said parcel to arrive and ... It didn't ??

So , I get on the phone to the courier company , give him all my details and I'm like " Soo , where the fuck is it then ? "

Parcel guy : " It's been delivered mate , it was delivered and signed for at 3:34 pm , It says here on the computer "

Me : " Do fukin what mate "

Parcel guy : " Yep , delivered and signed for at 3:34 pm , that's what it says "

Me : " Ok mate , I'll get back to you "

Sooo , the plot thickens !!!

Right , I know that at this time there is only one person in the house ... The fat fuck polish women downstairs ...

So I go down and bang on her door ..

She answers , all smiling and shit ..

Me : " PARCEL ... FUCKING ... WHERE ? "

Her ( shrugging her shoulders ) : " I not understand ? "

Me : " Oh no , Don't give me that shit luv I'm not in the mood for games , now stop fucking around and just give me the fuking parcel "

Her : " Oh , you must be ........ , err yes , I have it here "

She then goes into her bathroom ??? and retrieves' the fukin parcel ..

By this point , I'm late for work , so I grab the parcel , take it upstairs and fly out the door to catch my tube to work ..

I know for a fact from the expression on her face that if I hadn't have gone downstairs and got it back , I would never have seen that audio interface again , period ... I would have been extremely pissed !!!

So , I'm sat on the tube fukin fuming about this and I get to thinking about my Christmas presents and I start to put two and two together ...

Soo, off the tube and straight on the phone to my sister ..

Me : " H luv , what exactly did you get me for Christmas ? "

Her : " Errr , a remote control car , why ?? "

Fucken fukity fukin fuck !!!!

Me : " I'll tell you later mate , I'm kinda pissed at the moment !!! "

Ok , soo , about a week before Christmas , fat Polish fuck and her husband had their nephew visiting them and guess what ... The little fucker had a brand new remote control car ...

I know this because I helped him put the fukin batteries in it ??

And they sat and watched me fukin do it ... Cunts !!!!

Soo , not only did fat Polish fuck try and steal my audio interface , she's had my Christmas presents two years in a row ??

Who steals Christmas presents , that's just fukin lower than low in my book !!

So , I get on the phone to the landlady and tell her the story ..

Her : " That's funny , I had my purse stolen the other day and they are way behind on the rent "

Me : " Get rid , no , seriously , just get rid ... "

Her : " I think you could be right "

Me ( and I can say this to her coz we have such a great relationship ) : " If you don't , then I fukin will !!! "

Her : "Ok , I think it's about time I served notice then "

Me : " Yep , I'm thinking that as well dear !!! "

Sooo , I haven't seen dodgy Polish couple since the event , kinda on purpose though coz I will lose the plot if they start but I know the landlady has given them notice to quit and that's all I really care about at the mo ... It just makes me think of all the bank cards , mobile phones , demo CD's , publishing cheques etc. etc. that all went missing in the post last year ..

Bunch of thieving fukin cunts !!!

Bye ..

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

And I would just like to thank !!!

Oooo , last night was good , there was some fukin excellent bands playing ( which makes a change ) and get this , the promoter actually got the crowd to about-face and thank me for doing such a great job of the sound ? This , never ever happens and totally made my night , in fact , I was kinda blown away ..

" Yes , I would just like to thank all the people who have supported me over the years , Mum , Dad , I luv you , Little Mistress for being there , Bernie the washer woman for your attention to detail and for cleaning my socks , Mandu the ( dead ) cat for the cuddles ( catmandu ... get it , he used to have a mate called astrophy !!! ) , and those little rubber feet things on the bottom of studio monitors .. You know it's only right . Thanks again , yes ... I luv you all , and last but not least , the bands , and remember I only make you louder .. Havit !!! "

Anyway , I digress ..

So , yeah , there where ( were ... ehh !! ) some awesome ( dude ) bands playing last night and no real cockups to speak of , so all in all the kind of night that makes you luv your job ..

So , what's on the cards for today ? Well I'm taking the day off to play in my home studio with my new toy. I was supposed to be having quite an intense studio session today , but my partner in crime seemingly had a bit of a large one last night ( see it's not just me ya know !!! ) so that's not gonna happen .. That's the beauty of being in the music game , you don't have to lie through you back teeth to get a day off work ... You just tell it like it is ..

" Ooof , I can't make it to work today , I got kinda fucked up with the lads last night "

Fair enough ..

That's all you have to say , none of this " I've got a tummy bug , I'm really not very well , I'll see how I feel after din dins but I don't think I'm welly well enough today , I'm very sorry.. Ooooo "

Na , fuck that , we tell it like it is and the music biz ain't gonna grind to halt just because I had 8 pints of Stella and a gram of charlie with the lads on a Wednesday night ...

Ok , I'm starving hungry so I'm off out for Breakfast ..

Also , I absolutely love this fukin site it rules with a big sharp pointy stick thing !!

And , It's not April 1st is it ???

Oh , and lighten the fuck up please lads ... The worlds too small for humourless people , it's old fashioned and kinda dull , thanks !!

If you can't laugh at yourselves then what's the point eh !!!

Ok , Bye ...