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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A non christmas thing

Sooo: Chrimbo, I've been such a bad boy.

I guess this time of year kinda fucks me up.

It's difficult when you party all year round to enter everybody else's 'once a year' party zone. It just doesn't sit properly? It's like: "What do I do? push the boat out more ( if that's actually possible? ) Or sit back and chill the fuck out?"

The latter is always the better option. I guess?

After this year, I really really can't party anymore at the mo.

I just don't feel the need too.

Had enough already... for now.

You lot carry on though. You deserve it.

I'll just listen to Radiohead thanks.

Anyway. I digress.

Words of wisdom for Christmas ( I abide by non of this by the way? )

...And it shows.
  1. Love your folks when they're still around ( coz if you don't you'll regret it terribly )
  2. Really think about what your giving people for presents.
  3. Enjoy yourself ( for once )
  4. Get all nostalgic ( it's the time of year for it... )
  5. If you love someone. Make a fucking effort for once. For crying out loud. Just do it. No buts eh?
  6. Don't worry.
  7. You're alive. Seemingly!
  8. Watch some TV ( 'It's a wonderful life' can be a good start. )
  9. Next year will be better.
  10. It always is.
  11. Decorate your home. 'A change is as good as a rest'
  12. Be happy
  13. pay your taxes
  14. Don't do drugs
  15. ever
  16. Make stuff mean stuff
  17. educate yourself
  18. the work is worth the result
  19. don't ever ever get involved in any sort of creative industry
  20. unless it's advertising
  21. and it pays well
  22. always see what you don't see
  23. it always. always right in front of you
  24. don't write anyone off
  25. ever
  26. unless they write you off first
  27. everybody deserves a chance
  28. or a second glance
  29. remember the saying : " What came first? The Chicken or the egg?"
  30. Well fuck me! evolution came first.
  31. I digress
Dear me. Going into one there a bit.


It just confuses the fuck out of me

Going to be.

Just get this and listen OK ( especially '4 minute warning' coz really, it don't get much better than this!)



Jeez Louise, whatever next?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Jobsworth Sat night twat.

Note: This story is in no way racist. Merely a cross-cultural observation of the events that unfolded.

Before you start!

Sooo: We finished up in the venue Sat night at around 3:30am. A bunch of us ( around 30 bar staff and doorman ) had all chipped in the £180 it takes to buy a corporate Sky 'pay as you go' license ( it's a business premises remember ) to watch the big fight on the venues huge video screen.

I tuned the sound system so that we could all get the full effect i.e. loads of bass and mid for that 'you could actually be ring side in Vegas' vibe.

All good.

We stocked up and bought 4 crates of beer and a few of bottles spirits, mixers and assorted bar snacks from the bar manager ( he was going home and therefore locking up the bar area ) We brought seating onto the dance floor in front of the screens and all kicked back for the big event.

All very good.

I'd been looking forward to this for all day for two reasons really: A. the actual fight and B. the fact that cos it was private viewing i.e. nobody working and nobody selling anything therefore I could relax and ( for once ) have a fukin cigarette in my bloody venue.

I'm sure this is what it felt like in the 1930's prohibition Chicago Speakeasy era.

Crazy but... It's what I ( and quite a few of the other staff) had been dreaming of doing all night.

Anyway: We all relaxed, opened our beers, lit our cigarettes and sorta kicked back to watch the biggest boxing match in almost ten years.

Again...all good.


Out the corner of my eye I caught one of the buildings Nigerian ( not that it matters, I'm just setting the scene so you know ) night security staff hovering in the wings expecting to bunk off and watch the fight for free??

"He can watch." I thought. We all need a break from the tediums of work now and again.

Ding ding.. Round one.

I light up a cigarette.


But oh fukin no!

What's the first thing this fucking arse-wipe does?

He comes over to me and tells me to put my cigarette out??

I'm like: " Errr No! "and he then pipes up: " Listen...don't make my job any harder than it already is, just put out the cigarette! "

What the fuck?

Harder than your job already is mate? You're bunking off [your job] gate crashing our party and it's only coz you have keys and I'm playing the: 'Yeah he can watch, why's Christmas an all that' card that this guy actually has any kind of fukin access to our little jolly-up anyway ???

He continues to protest?

You can imagine my reaction to this? It's 4:30 in the morning at a private screening in my fucking venue and some jobsworth tosser is telling me what I can and can't do?

Of course I protest in return.

Big time!

So you know what this cunt does next in his little Hitler power trip of trips?

He calls his superior?

On his likkle radio

"I'll tell me dad if you don't stop. Then I'll cry. Boo fukin hoo!!"

His superior ( another Nigerian power monger ) turns up uninvited?

What did we ever do to you lot to make you hate us and feel the need to tell us what to do sooo fukin much?

And especially from a country that perpetrates the largest amount of illegal scams on the face of the planet.

I mean come on? don't have to answer that. British colonialism and all that.

I digress


This then leads to an almost epic battle of ( others have joined in by this point ) Smoking ban Law verses Jobsworth twats verses "The venue ain't even open you cunts" verses " Well you ain't supposed to be here after hours?" verses " Well neither are you mate and what the fuck are you on about anyway, we can be here whenever it pleases us, it's our fucking venue?" verses " We can call the Police? verses " Do it and you're out of a job ( both of you! ) verses " We will" verses "So you're telling us that at 2 in the morning when there's no traffic on the road you've never broken the speed limit in your car cos that's illegal too you know??" verses " No I've never done that" verses " fuck off you haven't?"

Blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.

And...we all missed the actual fight we'd all actually chipped in to actually watch.

Although I must add that our battle was probably a little more interesting.

It was only when our ( off duty ) door security ( two of whom were in on the argument I might add ) stepped in that this didn't end up in a punch up of it's own?? Coz I tell you what? I was game as hell.

What a bunch of fukin jobsworth?


These twats completely screwed up our evening.

Anyway...the outcome of this was that we all left the venue pissed off and emails have been flying between us and them ever since about the complete downright jobsworth actions of the guys crazy lunacy for our [pathetic nanny state] laws?

" it illegal then??? Well fuck me, we'll all be doing drugs next if not kept in check eh?"

What the fuck!

What a bunch of titmunchers!

I guess the point of all this is that these guys shouldn't have been in the venue anyway... let alone telling us what to do?

Their superior superiors have actually offered us a complete apology.

But really...bit fukin late now ain't it?

I'll get my coat.


Thursday, December 06, 2007

On my [watery] soap box.

Sooo: Been well busy this week, run up to Christmas and all that.

Did a very interesting gig the other night. Some ex soap star doing the rounds with his band?

I don't think that I've ever worked such a manically busy night, the venue was sooo mobbed that it was actually a chore getting from the mixing desk to the stage and back again. This bloke had women chucking knickers at him and everything ( literally? )

Not bad for what was basically a jumped up karaoke set of other peoples tunes?

All sung pretty badly as well to be honest.

Had some idiot trying to get the drumsticks from the stage hassling the fuck out of me as I was de-rigging the venue.

Complete pain in the arse he was too.

Note to that person: Why the fuck would you want the broken drumsticks from the drummer of some has-been soap stars band??? I mean Radiohead or Floyd yeah but...soap star bods backing band??

Really... get a life?

Also some chick asking me for a bottle of water so I passed her a full one from an on-stage pack lingering in the wings.

" Nooo! " She screams.

"I want that one!!" Pointing to a half empty, soap star infested, beaten up bottle of Volvic ?

I chucked it at her.

I really thought she was gonna cum right there and then as she scuttled off in soapy infested Volvic bliss??

Same applies: Get a life pet?

The meet and greet afterwards lasted till 1:30am??

I had to wait till it was over to shut the venue down.

Naturally I just got pissed at the bar and waited.

Got soap star guy to sigh me a poster for the sound booth wall saying: Thanks ........ I love you, I've always loved you!"



Rolfmunster 'o' gram!!


Christmas, it all just goes tits up don't it?

Bibi's taking me for dinner tonight... all good.


Ha ha.. Northern telemarketing man fights back.


Monday, December 03, 2007's here again?

Sooo: Sorry haven't writing lately, been a wee bit busy what with all the Christmas parties and wot not starting up. Busy week this week too, couple of parties, couple of band nights etc.etc. etc.

Stayed at Bibi's all weekend, the usual talking, shagging, walking the dogs, having Sunday Lunch. She's been nothing but nice to me since our little falling out and subsequent chat. No hissy fits, no moodiness. All good in that department.

Time will tell though?

Last week was the usual assortment of mediocre bands and not that busy club nights. Funny how the start of December is always dead and then the last 2 weeks before Christmas day go absolutely bonkers. I guess everybody is trying to save money for the big financially crippling let down that is Christmas and New Year.

Really really can't be bothered with the whole thing this year and , to be honest, I'd rather it was over and out of the way.

I'm actually gonna work New Years eve, I rather make a few hundred quid then spend a whole lot more.

What else? Oh yeah, my car failed it's MOT last week...miserably? And all on stupid little things that won't be cheap to fix i.e. little bit of fluid leaking on suspension = new fukin suspension? Tiny leak in the exhaust = new fukin exhaust? ABS light coming on under heavy braking = new ABS system, minute crack in the Number plate = new bloody number plate etc. etc. etc.

Not what you need around Christmas to be honest.

Oh well!

Nothing a few trips to eBay and a spanner won't fix. I kinda like a bit of a challange as well sooo....

And that's that.

Evil Knievel Dead???

For anyone wondering what exactly Emma Clark ( the voice of London Underground ) actually said to get herself sacked. Here is the full list...brilliant.