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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Winters here (it's official! )

Sooo, I stayed up late last night and provisionally Spec'd this new live venue we're gonna build.

Actually the equipment cost was not as much as I'd origionally thought. It all comes in at around £95,000 for the main sound system, lighting, mixing desks, etc. etc. etc.

For anyone who's interested, the full equipment spec ( first draught provisional guestimate) can be found here in .doc MS Word format and the architects intial venue drawings can be found here.

Note the provision of a rear screen and overhead digital projector, this will give us the option of having one of the best sounding private cinemas anywhere, to be used when everybody fucks off home after a gig. Top...private cinema, huge sound, a few staff, couple of drinks....

Anyone got a copy of Blade Runner handy?

Venue build Stage two: Get the architects plans and start to figure out where all of the extra RSJ's (steel beams) are gonna be fitted for hanging speakers, lighting rigs, access points etc. etc. etc. And also finding a company who can make the heavyweight fireproof drapes needed to stop the whole venue sounding like a fukin biscuit (cookie) tin?? Also, I'll try and meet with S to discuss the overall look of the venue. I really like the idea of it all looking like a big chintzy living room, the festival he runs kinda has this theme already.

S and V met with the council the other day and the licences are all going ahead.

Stage three: Get together a proper venue spec estimate.

Stage four: Start ordering all of the gear.

Stage five: Build the fukin thing.

Just like that... yeah right!

Hell of a lot to take on building a venue like this, the logistics are fukin huge, but I luv a good challenge so I'm getting kinda excited about it all really....

Ok, British winter time kicked in this morning, clocks went back and everything... Great, don't ya just love the fukin winter?

I'm back in the studio this week with a few label clients finishing some tunes and then next weekend I'm off to Germany ( Saarbrucken ) to do a gig with one of the bands I engineer.

I have a new passport now!! Won't make that fukin mistake again after missing out on a Hong Kong gig a few weeks ago!

Busy busy busy... Wot to do!!!

Right, It's Sunday, it's cold outside, did all my food shopping yesterday, no need to leave the house, huge pan of Ham, chicken and leek winter stew simmering away in the kitchen ( ETA 2 and a bit hours) couple of DVD's , bottle of wine, nothing to do, all day to do it!


The real Borat. See below.

Tonight on [blatant] Theft or [total fukin] Coincidence: Mahir became an internet superstar between 1999 and 2002, not difficult to see why, but also right about the time Sacha Baron Cohen invented Borat for the Ali G show...go figure!

Also, why global warming will [can] never be stopped! (Try exploding some of the maps, scary??) Thanks: Thom Yorke for the link.


Global warming, Errr no shit!

Completely forgotten about this, we went to a pub in Richmond about a month or so ago, by 3pm the pub had completely flooded and we got stuck there for like, 4 hours (not a problem really) This lady was taking some photies and I asked ger to send me a bunch. They arrived in my inbox yesterday. So yah still wanna tell me global warming ain't kicking in??

Oh dear, we're all fucked!


Sooo, Thursday. Finally finished this bloody venue security course. Passed all the exams, which were kinda a piece of piss. The last day was actually a lot of fun as we had to do all of these role playing exercises and I got right off on playing the angry nutter punter. In fact I enjoyed it soo much that I nearly ( note: nearly ) went out and signed up for an acting course. Ummm, maybe not.

Today I was supposed to do this olympic conference thing, but it didn't ( for reason or another ) come off, so I have a day of doing bugger all. Actually, I'm finishing a mix, but that's about an hours work. I was supposed to meet my mate S today to discuss the sound system for this new venue, but he's not about so I guess that'll have to wait till next week.

I think I'll go food shopping instead, the cupboards are looking rather bare.

Ok...couple of linky things...

Strange statues of the world

The dog wot loved to suck on toads?



Monday, October 23, 2006

Cream crackered!

Sooo, Monday and I'm 3/4 of the way through this venue security course thing in Canary Wharf and I'm absolutely cream crackered! The getting up at 6:30am shit is kinda killing me. I really don't know how the rest of the world copes? I'm used to lying in till 11am, pottering around for four hours and then starting work at 5pm + the London tube, rush hour shit is like, the worst fukin experience I've ever encountered. Period! Talk about being herded around on cattle trucks?

I'm a huge fan of my personal space not being invaded, and I get pretty narky if people don't adhere, so at 7.30 on the tube, rammed in like a sardines, I just wanna fukin kill someone. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!! Not for me, at all! It's kinda like being buried alive??

The course is ok I guess, I've learnt some pretty interesting conflict avoidance techniques and some heavyweight risk assessment shit, plus I'm starting to learn why the venue doormen do what they do, but for the most part it's all common sense really, and a bit bloody boring.

Anyway, I've always been like a wet sponge when it comes to learning, so any new stuff is good stuff in my book.

Knowledge is King!!

Fukin damn right!

Me and my mate J are setting up the sound for an Olympic conference on Thursday, which should be interesting. Another sodding early start though. We've actually tendered it for fuck all in the hope of landing some of the big 2012 Olympic sound installation contracts. Mega bucks shit! Piss easy job, but if you're in, you're in with these people, so worth the hastle. Then I'm meeting with S on Thursday evening to start to spec this live venue, so it's all hands to the pumps at the moment.

Right, I need to cook some food, I'm starved.


Our Banksy has just updated his site, have a look and dream about being this fukin forward thinking!! Damien Hurst, and that other bird?... Errrr, Oh yeah Tracey Emin [em] all fukin amateurs by comparison !!


Friday, October 20, 2006

Another new day, another new venue.

Soo, what a week!

I got back from seeing Sweedy girl on Tues but, being the prick I am, I spilt another glass of wine on another G5 keyboard, so have been unable to blog until I finally managed to find the time to go to the West End and purchase a new one. I make that three wine/beer dead keyboards this year alone??

Note to self: Errr 'av a word mate, sort it out!

Ok what's new? I've been asked to design and build a new Circuit Live band venue outside of London. Bit of a challange, but pretty exciting stuff as I get to spec it like it should be done, and not like some half arsed, box shifting, "Never even been behind a fukin mixing desk in my life", doughnut thinks it should be done! I'm kinda sick of walking into venues that have been spec'd by idiots? By that I mean, mixing FOH desks up in the rafters, or to one side of the venue, or even behind the fukin speaker stacks?? Under powered systems, bad outboard, bad lighting, and just plain acoustically fukin shite!!

So yeah, a new 600 capacity venue, designed and built from the ground up, by people who have to use the damn thing day in, day out.

Pretty exciting stuff. Me and my mate S ( the only person I'd trust to fly speakers 40ft in the air with me) are meeting to start costing the project next week. We'll be working on a provisional budget of £150,000-200,000 for lighting and sound, so it's gonna be bad ass!!

If it all comes off and the finance is raised ( the venue, council, planning, license etc. are all in place), then I'll start a seperate blog and document the whole process.

"Build your own Live venue in 5000 easy steps!"


I'm up early today cos I'm trying to switch my timeclock around so I can go on a four day security course for the club... Joy of fukin joys! It starts tomorrow and goes thru Sun till Tues. But I guess I'll be a licensed bouncer after that?? For what reason, I do not know? Guess it'll be a laugh though!

Last night I engineered an Alternative music night. I've said it before, an Alt music night means shite, off the wall bands. Art mate, Art! More like toss pants wank to me!! This one broke no new ground in that department. I was sat there thinking " I wonder if I turn off the mixing desk, will this sound better or worse?" This answer came at the end of the night when the last band (errr, you say that!) decided to overun by 30mins, and for 25 of those 30mins, the mixing desk was turned off and the house lights where up. It made absolutely no fukin difference at all! At least you could see the lovingly sculptured pile of bollocks the band had constructed mid set from chairs and tables and cardboard beer boxes in the middle of the stage?

Jeez louise, which brain cell told these retarded amoebas to form a band?

Wall of sound? Yeah, whatever! Bag of shite if you ask me.

But...what would I know about art?

I'm not worthy.


Snooze buttons explained.

Grill Skillz... If feel like throwing down in Mac D's, just spin on your head and ask for extra cheeze!!


Virtual frog dissection?

Ok, I'm off out for breakfast


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Can't dance? No rhythm? Then why not study for a PhD!

Pissed photography... Who needs it eh!

Sooo, Sunday. I don't usually post Sunday, but I'm of to see Sweedy girl for a few days, so I'm not gonna be around till Wed, and I'm up early soo why the fuck not!

Thursday I engineered some Jazz night for PHD students in Central London. Two conclusions really:

  1. PhD students have no fukin common sense whatsoever. Non...At all!
  2. PhD students have no fukin sense of rhythm whatsoever. I've never seen such a bad bunch of dancers in my life.. And that's saying something? I was watching this girl clap her hands to a version of 'Take Five' that the band where playing, OK granted, it's a fairly difficult time signature ( 5/8 if I'm not mistaken) but this girls hand clapping attempts were so all over the chip shop that it was, in fact, painfull to fukin watch.
I think I'll do a PhD on why PhD students are totally crap dancers!

And why do they all look so fukin frail? They're like a bunch of fukin vegans on hunger strike??

I donno!

Anyway, Friday night the club was absolutely mobbed again and last night I just stayed in and watched a few DVD's and cooked a huge pan of chicken and ham stew, got the bird in the shop to cut the ham into big doorstep slabs... Mmmm delicious!!

I could've been in Hong Kong this weekend doing a band, but my passport's run fukin out!! I'm going to Germany on the 4th of next month, so therefore my passport is in the postal system so I could'nt even go down to sodding passport house and get a new one... Boo!!

Damn it! Saying that though, two 12 hour flights within the space of three days is a bit of a killer..

So yeah, off to see the Sweedy girl for a few days.

In the news today... Of course she should be fukin sacked. here's why:

A: Err it's a Church of England school!

B: I wouldn't want my kids to be taught by Darth fukin Vader either.

C: I'm sick to death of hearing about the plight of the bloody Muslims ( go ahead, flame me...I don't fukin care!) I'd be more bothered if they actually tried to intergrate into our society, but they don't, and if I went to a Muslim country and started building churches and preaching values and throwing my religion'd chop my fukin hands off!

You with me on this?

"We're sick of this, and that, and police brutality, and blagh blagh blagh!!"

Well if you don't like it then.....

I'm with this lot really on the whole subject!

Ha ha ha...funny!

Funny pics Yo!

Ninja Beasties.... Top!

Right I'm off


Thursday, October 12, 2006

How my life could have been fucked by a sodding projector!

Sooo, we bought a new overhead projector for the club about a month ago and fixed it up in the lighting frame of the club. The lighting frame hangs from the ceiling of the club approx 40ft up and holds all the moving heads, light effects, par cans (stage lights) etc. etc. etc. I kinda look after it all and make sure it's all working, safe, blagh blagh!

Anyway, I fitted this new projector and was a bit concerned as there was knowhere to fit a safety chain on the thing (everything else up there has a safety chain fitted). The projector bolts onto a mount, which in turn hangs it upside down from the tubing of the frame (like scaffolding poles).

Sooo, I was looking at a new moving head we've just installed in the frame yesterday, when I noticed the projector looked a bit wonky and there was something just not right about it, so off I trot to get the ladders to go up into the frame and inspect the damn thing. I perched the ladder on the frame, climbed up and just as I was about to put my hand on it, the whole fukin projector assembly fell off the fukin frame?? Luckily I mananged to grab the thing as it sailed past my fukin head, nearly took me off the ladder and 30 feet to the floor!

Now, and this is the whole point here: I probably would have been ok, it wouldn't have been the first time I've gone off the ladder and (as an ex skaterboarder) I can bounce fairly well, soooo, no real biggy there, but ( and it's a fukin huge but ) If I hadn't of noticed the thing and taken it down, it would've come down during the evening, straight onto the head of one of the punters stood directly below. Fuuuck! Just soo happens, onto the head of a very pretty 19 year old girl watching the band (I checked) and she would have been a very pretty 19 year old dead girl...with a nice smashed in skull!!!

And...I would've been up on a manslaughter charge!!!

Life over!

Just goes to show how quickly your shit can turn around.

I checked the projector and the build quality of this thing is complete shit! The bolts are actually encased in the flimsyist plastic mountings I have ever seen ( but you can't tell this till they actually break and by that time you've killed somefuker )

I wrote the shittiest letter I've ever draughted to the manufacturer BENQ and I'm still waiting for a responce..

Just goes to show eh!!

If drugs were legal

Don't go swimming around here mate!

Oh dear! Check out the guys other shit as well, especially natural deselection 2... Top!

Classic TV theme tunes... Including the superb Mr Rossi theme, just click the pics.


Monday, October 09, 2006


Sooo, finally got freshers week out of the way, Sick to death of bloody students ! Never seen so much sick in all my life...which is nice! The weekend was a little bit mad as well, went out with a couple of mates and Sat night and returned a day later?

Ok, so what's been happening? Last week was a bit mental, so many gigs, so little time, although the Sweedy girl came to see me and kinda hung around as I worked, which was lovely. My own little super groupy. We went down to Tate Modern on Wed afternoon to play on the slides, but they hadn't been completed. Booo!! Thursday I did a wicked rock night and Fri the club was totally rammed again. I really think the new sound system is working as I've never seen it as busy and you tend to find people dance a lot more, I guess it makes a difference when you can actually feel the music as opposed to just listening to it.

Had to put the Sweedy girl back on the train Fri afternoon though and that kinda pissed me off . I like her company, she sorta relaxes me and it's getting harder every time she has to go back.

We'll work something out though I'm sure.

What else? Oh yeah, I've decided that my landlady has gone completely insane. I had words Sat morning as the "Spitting her dummy out and turning off the house internet router thing" was driving me up the wall!! I'm trying to run a business for fuck's sake? I found out a lotta stuff I didn't need to know though, such as the fact she owes £7000 on the electricity?? (She hasn't opened any of her mail for about a year?) Fukin insane! That's why she wants more money, so I played the "Really concerned tenant bit" and told her in not so many words that "Your problems have fuck all to do with me luv!! I've paid you rent, on time, without fail for five years and If you can't sort your own shit out and stop taking it out on the rest of the fukin house, it's not my fault mate!!" I really wanna move, but... if she has all this dept, I stand like, no chance of getting any of my deposit back, which kinda makes it a bit difficult Hmmm!

One of my cousins has decided to move to London, about three streets away from me? Although I like my family ( a bit) , I have no desire at all in babysitting one of them? I hardly know this girl and I'm really not in the mood to start now. Although I suppose It'll mean I can get a lift, if ever I need to go see them. Which is like err... never! I lost both my parent about six years ago and got no support from any of my family ( Apart from my Sister, who hasn't bothered with the rest of the family for 15 years) , but I do kinda miss the Christmas dinners. lol!

So today I'm not working, tomorrow I'm working at my mates studio and then I've got two days of bands and the club Fri, so another busy week.

All good

Completely useless, but interesting anyway!

Yeah, nooo shit!


And... The Liger (hands up who thinks that this is a bit of a stoopid idea!)


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Somebody Hypnotize my sodding landlady!!

Sooo, I engineered a comedy hypnotist last night (couple of mics etc.) piss easy job, but somebody's gotta do it! Yeah, comedy hypnotist, even more comical coz nowbody showed up to see the poor bugger, maybe 60 people tops.. Oh dear, knowbody to sodding hypnotize?? What you gonna do now son eh?

Anyway turned out to be a really good show, he actually manged to get 6 people hypnotized ( no mean feat, I take my hat off ) and had them running round the stage, conducting orchestras, meeting the Queen, winning the lottery etc. etc. etc. As you do! Pretty entertaining stuff really.

I fucked it up with this guy a bit earlier on though coz he sent me a text message telling me he was running ten minutes late just as I was sending a text message to Sweedy girl something along the lines of:

"Fukin comedy hypnotist 2night honey, joy of fukin joys, think It'll be toss, feeling sleeeppy already babe xx"

And of course I managed to send it to him and not her, so I kinda had to dig my way out of a hole when the guy arrived at the venue...Wooops a daisy, park it there son!

Anyway, turned out to be a good night apart from the lack of people.

Sooo, tonight is one of my fave nights of the year and one I've done for four years in a row. It's this huge 1000 people comedy night at the club with like, 4 of the best comedians in London. Last year I nearly wet myself in the sound booth from laughing so much, plus Sweedy girls coming to see me as well, plus coz there's nothing to do but watch a couple of mics and change a couple of lighting scenes....I'm gonna get well pissed and enjoy it!!


The landlady is driving me fukin nuts at the moment, she wants more rent, I'm not giving her more rent...end of! Sooo she's making my life hell. We run a wireless network in the house ( which I set up and admin ) and the router of course is in her fukin flat, so whenever she doesn't get her way, she turns the fukin thing off!! She's like a spoilt fukin baby and I've kinda had enough, so I'm looking for a new flat and she can go fuck herself.. I mean I got in from work last night, sat down and prepared to send an important music file to New York and... dead fukin connection. I went ballistic as It's not like I haven't paid her the already extortionate rent, It's just that I won't give her any more money.

Pain in the arse, cos It means moving the whole fukin studio, which will be a real mare, but I won't be held to fukin ransom by anyone, especially some batty old senile cow, so that's that!

How I feel

Plain silly

Nutter sport

Online Sonic...fukin brilliant!


Sunday, October 01, 2006

Small fries busy club

Sooo, Sunday night and I'm kinda knackard. As some of you might have noticed (or not) it's London students freshers fortnight at the mo, so I've kinda got more work on doing gigs then I can handle, so unfotunately this blog (and everything sodding else) has had to take a back seat till it's all bloody over. I feel fucked!

To top it all off, the club on Friday night was the busiest I have ever seen it all my 6 years of running the thing..

Put it this way, by nine o'clock we were operating a one in, one out door policy with like, 800 people outside still trying to get in? And it's a 1300 capacity venue. Fukin total madness!! It felt like the fukin opening night of Star wars! Inside it was soo busy that to try and get from say the toilet to the dance floor was a complete mission. In the end we just grabbed a bottle of JD from the bar and sat in the office watching TV. I did have a chance earlier on to tune the new sound systems bass bins in properly, and I must say the system just sounds shit hot. It's got a real fukin punch to it, so I'm kinda a happy bunny in that department.

Sooo, I was supposed to have this weekend off, but there were a couple of mixes that needed doing for the label, so that kinda went down the plug ole?

Tomorrow I have to do two rooms at the same time, one's a acoustic night and the other is a hypnotist (don't fukin ask) and then Tues a comedy night (lights, mics etc. etc.) Wed I have off with the Sweedy girl (we're staying in bed all day) and then Thurs a rock night (4 bands) Fri the club again and then Sat I'm supposed to be engineering a mates band.

No rest for the fukin wicked eh!

Plus I've just had a stonking row with the landlady cos she wants more rent for the out of town flat, she can go and fuck herself, more money?? I really feel at the moment that everyone's on the take in London, it's just getting sooo fukin expensive. I even had a go at the bloke in McDonalds the other night coz he wouldn't sell me small fukin fries with a small burger, it had switched to the night time fukin menu seemingly, so therefore you have to pay for a large meal? What the fuck is that about? I didn't want a large fukin meal with heaps of salt and fat and stuff, just a small burger and small fries for fucks sake!! And what the fuck is the night time sodding menu about? I know where only talking about a couple of quid here, but it's the priciple of the thing, they think everyone visiting after 12 o'clock is pissed, therefore they can take the piss out of the menus!! I walked out empty handed and bought a sandwich from the shop next door... Fuck em, fuck em all!!

So yeah, tired and pissed off.

Right, I'm gonna crack open a bottle of wine, cook a spag bol a la me and watch a DVD.

Just what I've always wanted?

Pjotro...obviously completely fukin insane!

But knowhere near as insane as these nerds

Finally...Girl vs treadmill

Right, food