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Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Diplomatic dickhead !!

Sooo , There's this little Asian kid at the bar last night screaming to be served and he's like : " Give me a fucking drink , I've been waiting for hours ". Now I know bar staff and I know that the longer you hastle them , the longer they will make you wait for a drink . If you're nice you get nice in return : simple equation really !!

But , this kid .. Oh no , he just wasn't having any of it : " Give me a fuking drink !! "

E ( the head barman ) comes over and he's like : " If you don't shut up , you won't get served mate , it's that easy "

Well , this kid spits his dummy out big time , picks up an empty drinks basket and throws it across the bar and into E 's face . Stupid move son , really stupid !! The radio's come into action and security gets called ...

S ( the head of security ) arrives sharpish and grabs idiot boy by the arm and marches him off , is he going quietly ? Is he fuck !!

Idiot Boy : " Get your hands off me , you have no right to touch me "

S : " Listen mate , your being thrown out , I have the right to use whatever force I see fit to do the job !! "

IB : " GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ?? "

S : " Do you know who you think you are mate ? "

IB : " You have no right , I'm gonna sue you for every penny your worth !! "

S : " Yeah whatever ... Give me your coat check ticket and I'll get you coat brought up "

IB ( getting his mobile phone out ) : " I'm calling the police , and my solicitor !! "

S ( throwing IB out the door ) : " Ok well fuck you and fuck your coat then !! "

So IB spends the next 10 mins ranting at the door about how out of order we all are , all the while making calls on his mobile phone ...

S : " Get away from the door please little man "

IB disappears ( for a while )

Half an hour passes and all of a sudden two police cars and a heavy looking riot van full of coppers turns up at the club ??

IB appears again with a torn blood stained shirt ???

IB ( pointing at S ) : " That's him , he beat me up , that's him , I WANT HIM ARRESTED , NOW !!! "

What the fuck ???

Anyway , we all go to the back office to have a chat with the coppers , prove our innocence and review the club surveillance tapes which of course reveal nothing apart from what went down , which was him being a dickhead and then of course him being thrown out of the club ??

The police apologise for wasting our time and escort IB out of the building , he's still moaning about his precious fukin coat , so I'm like give me your fukin cloakroom ticket dougnut ..

I toddle off to the cloakroom and retrieve a very very expensive looking cashmere number and return to the frontdoor ...

Me ( holding his coat with one arm outstretched ) : " Here's your fukin coat mate !!"

IB's just about to take his coat when I accidentally let it slip out of my hand and into a nasty looking puddle of water and car oil which I just happen to be accidently standing over outside of the club ...

Me: " Ooooh ... Who put that puddle there , there should be laws against puddles like that ?? "

The coppers smirk , the doormen smirk , the people in the queue smirk .. In fact the smirking seems to reverberate all around central London !!

Ooops ... Sooo sorry mate !!!

What a fukin doughnut , seemingly this kids father is a diplomat ( thus the heavy police presence ) so obviously this kid has diplomatic immunity which of course allows him to go around acting like a complete fukin prick ??

Not in our club mate , your barred for fukin life !!

Still can't work out how he got the bloodstained shirt though ??

Note to IB : Have you ever considered the fact that while your wasting police time , somebody may have been raped or stabbed or shot or something cos you were stopping the coppers doing their real jobs ... DICKHEAD !!!!

What a fukin dougnut !!

Ok , tonight is T's ( the guy over from NY ) birthday , so all the lads are getting together in West London for a right jolly-up .. Woohoo !!

Ok ... I have shit to do .

Laters .

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