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Monday, April 30, 2007

The Towers of Toss

Sooo, Jo asked me the question: "I've always wondered if that lead singer from the Towers of London is a actual twat in real life or if he saves it just for telly..."

Yes he is, and then some, here's why.

OK I've engineered the Towers of London twice, the first time went without a hitch and, to be honest, apart from the big hair and the over tight jeans, I never really gave them a second thought. Just another shite indie band in the grand scheme of crap indie shite bands.

But...the second time I did them, they really showed their true colours as a bunch of childish immature little shits with about as much musical talent as a one legged hamster playing a broken Steinway piano.

Sooo...these fools arrived at the venue and start drinking the cans of larger that they'd brought with them. This in turn pissed off the bar manager no end, it's just not done really, shows a complete lack of respect (unless of course you keep it out of site and/or in the dressing room). So the bar manager has a word, not a go mind you, just a quiet word. The band kick off about it. Wrong answer sunshine. A small ruk then breaks out which is ended by the bar manager pinning one of the band to the floor with the added bonus of " If you don't fuking behave yourselves then you ain't playing!!"

The band behaves itself for about half an hour. Then they start having a go at the other bands for no apparent reason by heckling them in their soundchecks etc. etc.?? ( more on this later) From the way they're going on, you'd think they were headlining but... they're actually the first band on, out of four. Not a good position really, bottom of the barrel territory, but we all have to start ( and end ) somewhere.

OK Sooo, 8:00pm and all the bands have soundchecked apart from the Towers, but the doors are at 8:00 so they don't get to check. This is not really important for two reasons: 1. They're the first band on so there won't be anybody in the venue and 2. All the bands , apart from the headlining act are sharing backline ( drums, guitar amps etc etc.) so therefore everything is line checked already so there's nothing to actually do. Anyway, the lead singer Danny Tourette ( I think?) comes booling over to me and he starts screaming and waving his fists at me. Wrong fukin answer again kiddo!! I just stare at him waiting for him to calm down before giving him the: " Listen fuck head, for your future information mate DON'T EVER PISS OFF THE SOUND MAN, COZ I HAVE THE ABILITY TO MAKE YOU SOUND SOOOO FUKIN SHITE THAT YOU'LL COME OFF STAGE CRYING...GEDIT!!" He immediately backs off ( guess there is a brain somewhere in that tiny little big haired head then eh?

The Towers finally go on stage after a huge bout of: " But there's nobody in the venue yet, we're not going on for a least another twenty minutes" My reply: " Get your fukin arse on stage right now or you ain't going on period." Who the fuck do these kids think they are??

Alrighty. First song (you say that) goes without a hitch, but halfway through the second number the guitarist breaks a string. He gets on the mic and he's like: " Can someone lend me a guitar coz me strings done?" Silence. Again: " Come on you gits someone lend us a guitar then?" Again complete silence. You see this guy and the rest of the band have pissed the other bands off so much that his chances of getting a guitar are virtually nil. The guy would have more chance of trying to stand on the Sun minus asbestos underpants.

Next thing he's screams into the microphone " Fuck ya then, you're all a bunch of cunts anyway!" before storming off stage and across the venue and out of the front door like a five year old would do if that five year old was actually two and a half. The band, unable to continue, all storm off stage. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned. No biggie in the grand scheme of things really.

Sooo... after about ten minutes the next band go on stage and start to play. The venue is filing up nicely at this point and it's turning into an OK night. But... this fukin guitarist runs back into the venue, onto the stage, mid set and starts to pull the drum kit apart?

For crying out loud!!

Turns out the backline that the other bands are borrowing belongs to the Towers of London, mainly because they didn't wanna use anyone else's gear and to save argument we just let them use theirs ( bad idea ) he's then joined by the other members of the band who start shifting all the amps etc. A classic case of "If I'm not playing, then nobody is!!" Jeez Louise, what a bunch of fukin two year olds. Yep, with no other drum kit, only the headlining act got to play that night ( they were an electro act, so therefore had no drums ) and we lost half of the crowd.


Well done Towers of London, you really are a credit to the music industry and, to be honest, if you can't make it big after your lead singer has been in the Big Brother house, you might as well pack it in and go and work on the factory lines...Where you all belong.

Here's a tip lads: It's all well and good having the look ( errrm ?? ) and the Z list big brother fame and the rebellious reputation, but... you really do have to back it all up with decent tunes, not just some Sex pistols/Clash/Status Quo pants rip off thing, I see ten of those playing every week, and that's just in one venue.

Sooo Jo to answer your question then: "I've always wondered if that lead singer from the Towers of London is a actual twat in real life or if he saves it just for telly..."

Yes, yes he is, and his band are ten times worse mate.



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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Sunday Girls and The Saturday night mushroom tennis club.

Sooo, I got in at 5:30 this morning and I'm back up at 11:00 coz I have a business meet tomorrow morning at 9:30 and I figure that if I gave myself not a lot of sleep last night, there's a chance I'll be so knackered early doors tonight that I may just be in with a chance of spinning my time clock on it's head enough to not totally sleep through my alarm at 8:00 tomorrow morning.

If you know what I mean.

I do!


I feel like I'm fukin jet lagged though??

The last couple of Saturdays I've been filling in for a mate of mine doing tech ( looking after the sound system, lights etc.) at his indie club night in the West End. Couldn't do it full time though.

Although the music is OK, a kinda cross between dance/indie, the punters are all tossers.

They're all a bunch of Russell Brand/Peaches Geldof/Jarvis Cocker/Towers of London lookalike moody rejects.

I've engineered the Towers of London a couple of times by the way and yes, they are completely shit (all the gear, no fukin idea!!)

These kids ( from the club) get soo pissed and lairy and think there all hard, it's just stupid, stop it??

Plus they all dance like their elbows are glued to their fukin hips?

Looks like a bunch of retarded robots if you ask me.

So yeah, I set up the system and lights and then hid most of the night reading a selection of newspapers in the back office, watching the clock hands move like somebody had pressed the "Your gonna be here till the end of time son!" button.

Not good.

There was a fight in the club at about 1:30 this morning between six indie kid punters and, to be honest, it was a pathetic attempt. Bunch of fukin girls if you ask me? Gave the doorman something to laugh about for the rest of the evening though.

Bry ( the head doorman ) was like "Naaa that wasn't a fight mate, it was a fucking tickle-off.. between fucking tickle fairies"


Just after 2pm me and the head barman J plus a couple of the staff decided to have a game of mushroom tennis along the bar ( it's exactly as it says, one tennis racket, one long bar, one bag of large juicy mushrooms, mushroom tennis, what can you do! ) The punters ( and staff ) loved it as mushrooms were bowled and hit and caught and exploded all over the back bar (it all has to be cleaned up at the end of the night anyway so what the fuck! ) The indie kids where like " Weeee wanna join in, can we..pleeease?" To which the standard reply was: " Got any mushrooms? No! We'll fuck off then!!"

So yeah, boring night really.

Tis Sunday now.

I think I need to find a new girlfriend. You know, a Sunday girl. Someone who I can take for Sunday dinner and then get pissed with and go to the cinema and have a snog with or something like that.

Yep I need a Sunday girl.

Right, where's that little black book of mine?

Oh bollocks, I donno!



Friday, April 27, 2007

Is there or isn't there???

Sooo...been a bit busy of late, this and that you know.

Spent the week engineering a George Bernard Shaw play in the evenings while doing shit for the label during the day. To say I've been falling asleep behind the mixing desk is an understatement. I find Mr Shaw neither intriguing nor interesting to be honest, it's all a bit socialist, pro communist, outdated post Victorian bollocks claptrap if you want the truth, and after four days of it I've totally fukin had enough!

So yeah. Thanks George...but no thanks.

Gawd help those West End theatre production sound engineers who do the same plays night in, night out for month after month. I take my hat off to you, completely not my bag at all I'm afraid.

Anyway, I'm sat in the house early the other morning trying to relax watching my new fave TV show Dexter which I discovered by accident on TVtorrents after hitting the wrong download button while half asleep. Top move!

Yep I'm sat in the house when suddenly the whole place lights up with blue flashes from outside. I'm like "Fuck me what gives!" Out of the window I see two police cars and a meat van who've pulled over this car, yanked out the driver, slammed him on the floor and one copper is holding the poor guys legs, another is sat on top of him and a third fourth and fifth are tearing his car apart while another has his mate in an arm lock against the wall. Jeez!! Couple of minutes pass and another meat van arrives plus two more squad cars and a black unmarked SUV??

Fukin ell!!

Talk about putting on a show?

The night is still so I open the window, get out the old shotgun mic, put my headphones on and point and listen to hear what's going on ( one of the perks of being a sound engineer)

There's a lot of: " Fuck off you cunts!" and " Shut up!!" sorter dialogue going on??

After about five minutes one of the rozers pulls out what looks to be a rather small bag of weed and he's like " What's this then son?" To which the guy against the wall replies: " What's it look like you fukin muppet, it's a bag of fukin weed!!" He gets slammed against the wall for his trouble.

All a bit heavy handed if you ask me.

More searching takes place.

Ten more minutes pass.

Nothing more is found by the sounds of it.

The two guys ( the driver and his mate ) are lobbed in the back of the meat van and carted off by the coppers who all leave the scene of the (you say that) crime.

Tyres screech, engines rev, everybody exits at great speed stage left...

But... the car they were in remains parked up at the side of the road?

It's still there...a day later.

I'm looking at it now, out of the window, thinking "I wonder what they didn't find?"

Ho Hum!!

What to do?

Might do a bit of a recon.

The police nowadays always miss the completely obvious.

I remember getting pulled over in All Saints road (coz I looked the wrong way at the wrong rozer) and him and his beat buddy frisked me pulling my wallet from my jeans.

Dickhead copper one then proceeded to grill me about the details on my driving license " Are you...blah blah blah" etc etc etc, and all the while there was a gram of coke and a rolled up tenner in the clear part of my wallet staring him right in the face?

The stupid fuker was so preoccupied with playing the egotistical powertrip twat that he completely missed it.


I thought I was fucked that night for sure, but...they just let me go on my way??

Stupid daft blind idiots!

So yeah! There's probably some huge stash sat right outside the house in that parked up car.

Who knows?


I'll go for a walk then shall I.

Ho hum.


Thursday, April 19, 2007

George the kitty cat!

Sooo, after my spectacular rant yesterday, I've decided to post something nice.

Maybe about sheep or ( as every second other blogger seems to do) a picture of a cute pussy cat.


So....for all those who got upset yesterday.

A pwitty pwicture!!

As Thom Yorke once said: " just to take the edge off!!"

George the kitty cat...


And to complete the new look:


Anyway, I have a label meeting today, so I guess I had better get my shit in gear.

Listening to : NIN "Year Zero" What can you say... it's NIN

Check this man... A fukin Tesla coil in the middle of a nightclub in Thailand, me want!! Shame about the shit music?

Slow motion popcorn



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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Live Cash!!

I love this, Live Earth a huge concert surrounding our Planet and it's global warming plight.

Spanning 7 Continents, reaching 8 billion people, printing thousands of tickets, generating hundreds of tons of chuck away paperwork, using Jigawatts of electricity , fueling hundreds of tour busses, spewing CO2 like it's going out of fashion, making fortunes for the promoters and featured artist.

Oh the fukin hypocrisy!!


While I'm a great believer in the great global warming CON, this is the ultimate test of human stupidity..

But... It'll probably be a good day out.

Stop Global warming: go on, make us a packet!!

Our Bob lives in a much much much much much much much much much much much bigger mansion than he did before the First live Aid concert I can tell ya!

"Feed Myseeeeelf, let me know it's Christmas eeeeverry day!!!"

"Sick profiteering" He said as people clambered on Ebay to buy hiked up Live8 tickets. Hmm I'll get my coat.

I've got nothing against you Bob, don't get me wrong, you put on some good shows, you even got Pink Floyd back together for fucks sake, but... if global warming is taking place, no fukin charities gonna fix it mate.

What you gonna do...give God a backhander?

Can you imagine the conflab?

Bob: "Oh there you go your almightyness, 20% of a billion quid ole geezer, Yep! That should help you stop with the CO2 thing mate"

God: " Ta very much Bob I'll look into it!"

Bob: " Thanks God!"

God: " No...Thank you Bob!"

Bob: " Listen mate, when you retire...could you put a word in for me 'bout the job an all that?"

God: " Son, your already on the list, well considering Jesus has buggered off somewhere to learn to surf "

Bob: " Wicked, thanks God, you're a star!"

God: " No...Thank you Bob, now fuck off so I can terraform some more planets !!"


Boff the hoff

Oh look, it's that spectacular Virgin company again, can't even keep a lid on it's own shit this time??

I say again... you still wanna put people into space Mr Branson? View the movie, book the flight and fly like a king, but guess what, you'll still be able to lie down in comfort when the oxygen runs out and you're drifting off into the unknown coz the guidance system was running off one of your internet servers eh!!

Or maybe your internet servers only work when they're in Upperclass mode?


Monday, April 16, 2007

My vacuum cleaner is a fukin strange creature!

Sooo, I woke up this morning in a real shitty, post touring, down, depressed mood.

It happens, not a problem really, I call it kinda: 'stepping back into the real world syndrome'.

Anyways, it turned out to be one of those days that just sorta got better and better as it all panned out.

Stuff got sorted, phone calls where made and received, new ideas where talked about, the sun came out and it all seemed to turn on it's head by midday.

Thank gawd.

Sooo, I decided ( in my infinite wisdom ) to have a couple of pints down the local, come home and then clean and air the flat.

Windows open, cleaning products out, all dusty dusty round and shit.

Next step hoover the floors.

Mr vacuum comes out of hiding for a good spritely runabout.

But... Only on his own fukin terms.


You see Mr vacuum has a mind of his own. He kinda works for twenty minutes and then throws a: "Right mate, that's it, done enough!!" strop and proceeds to shut down ??

This...has been a mystery to me for quite some time..

He's not overheating, he's not full of crap, he hasn't blown a fuse, he hasn't bunged up.

The damn thing just shuts off like he's saying: " No, no more, that's it, I'm on strike, fuck you, I'm done!!"


Complete fukin mystery.

What's even more of a mystery is that the stupid thing won't work for the rest of the sodding day?

No matter what I do?

I kid you not.

But...I can guarantee that the next day I'll get out of bed, make a cuppa tea, brush my teeth, blah blah blah and... I can go over to Mr vacuum, flick the switch and vrooom, off we go again??


Sinister even....

The damn thing's possessed

Next time, I'm gonna leave him switched on overnight.

Just to see what time he goes back into action?

Bet it's like 3:15

Harry the fukin Polterhoovergeist

If only I could get him to hoover the flat himself?


There's a thought

Or I could just get a new girlfriend


The holy grail (but a bit different)

I first saw this as a kid, but it's still amazing to watch all the years later... The power of Ten

Eat my Thai green curry


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Friday, April 13, 2007

Back from the Blue Lagoon!

OMG what a week, I'm finally back from touring for a couple of weeks and, to be honest, I feel a little brain dead.

Sooo, we've had gigs:

And more gigs:

And parties:

And pretty girls who we named Spritney beers:

And more parties:

And strange goings on:
And a night spend round a dealers who had a fuck off nice flat and a huge collection of synths:

Who kept feeding me from this block of nonsence:

So yeah, a complete week of madness!

As I said, I have a few weeks off and then it's the start of the festival season where it's just gonna go soo tits up. We have Poland and Russia and the Ukraine and Glastonbury and Global Gathering and V Festival and Creamfields and, and well lots of other stuff.


Bit of a year ahead of me really.

Sweedy gwirl texted me and said she was missing me while I was away?

I miss you too honey.

You shouldn't have dumped me then kid.

Silly sausage. I'll see her over the summer at a Festival we're both working (where we met in the first place actually).

Sooo we'll see what pans out.

Anyway, I'll try and remember some of the gig stories as well but, at the moment, I feel a wee bit smashed.

I need food too


Sunday, April 08, 2007 that's what happens on tour eh!!

Soooo, Sunday (I think? Yeah it's Sunday!) I'm finally getting a day off from touring and I kinda woke up this morning not knowing where the fuck I was.

Oh dear, what a week.

Where have we been? Fuck knows!

Ok... We drove to York first for an OK gig, then straight to Leeds after York and completely did it up, followed by a day off in Leeds where we all got completely battered.

The whole band got through 14 grams of charlie in one day (I kid you not!) and basically hung out with a load of girls around the pubs in the Riverside area of Leeds (lovely area by the way)

before then going to some random bar and playing the messiest game of ping-pong you can ever imagine, people fell over, balls went a-flying, no awards were won!

And then returned to the hotel where this happened:

Don't worry, nobody was murdered, it's kinda what happens when you lose the corkscrew and then take it on board that it's possible to open a bottle of wine by knocking the top off via the bathroom sink? It doesn't work by the way, not to be tried at home. My hands are cut to fuck.

Not the best idea I've ever had to be honest.

Sooo, the bathroom looked like a crime scene, the room stank of red wine and it all had to be cleared up before the chambermaid had a heart attack the next day and we all got arrested....

Then it was all back on the tour bus for a trip to Middlesbrough for a gig in this huge old theater with a bunch of moody fucker indie kids who weren't the worlds best audience, but who cares when you have a dressing room full of booze.

Then an overnighter back home to bed.

I think I got in around 6 this morning.

And here I am again.

Home sweet home.

It all starts again on Tuesday.


I'm going to the pub to regroup.

This guy has a foul mouth too, but we do fukin love him, twat!!

This: also (for some reason unbeknown to me} deserves a mention?




Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Anyone got any gaffa tape please, it just fell off in my hand officer?

This...has to be the ropeiest mixing desk I've ever had the privilege of operating? (click picture to see the full extent of the ropeyness??)

Sooo, first gig of the tour on Monday went pretty well I guess. The club was a bit rock-n-roll though, desk was fucked (bits kept falling off), mic stands were all fucked, DI boxes where all fucked (and rusted up), microphones looked like they'd been dropped down an escalator then thrown in a pile of soot and then some, promoter hadn't really done his job so the venue was half empty, but, it all worked eventually and with a bit of compromise the band did a wicked gig.

We'll call it a full band live rehearsal then shall we!

The sound system, although small was pretty fukin fat and had a great throw on it.

Definition Throw : Tech speak for a sound system that you can actually feel as opposed to hear. The sound systems of the Ministry of Sound, or the End, or the Carling ( fukin orrible beer!) academy Live or the Astoria all have a good throw on them, but...your home HIFI system or your 1970's Bluespot Phonogram will, however...not!

The last gig we did in Germany had this super duper new fangled micro bollocks line array system, and had absolutely no throw on it wotsoever!!

It did however (according to 'pain in the arse' German sound engineer) go down to 20hz, which is fine if you want to have a sing song with the nearest Blue Whale in deepest Alaska, but...Fukin useless in a live band situation.



New technology for new technologies sake eh?

So yeah, the band got right into it, they were the tightest I've ever seen em, and what crowd there was, were jumpin around like loonies.

All good.

We drove back to London last night and now we have a couple of days off before resuming Thursday.

Funny that: "Oh I'm going on tour you know" "Cool...when you back then mate?" " Err tomorrow morning!"


We have some superb venues coming up, so I expect it to get better and better, and the list of Festival gigs coming up over the summer just gets better and better as well, so it's gonna be a cracking year I'm guessing.

All good indeedy!

Onwards and upwards then


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Sunday, April 01, 2007

Little Mistress revisted.

Sooo, I gets a call yesterday evening at around 7pm from Little Mistress ( my ex) who I haven't seen for about a year and she's all in tears. Seemingly she met up with an ex boyfriend and they had such a lovely day that she ended up punching him spark out..Ha! Poor bugger.

Anyway, she needs consoling and who better than little old me to be the crying shoulder person thing going on.

Sooo, she arrives at around 8.30 and we meet in the pub down the road. She seems OK (I guess) and we spend the evening getting pissed together.

All good...all nice.

Eventually we get around to the "Soooo..are you going home or staying at mine?" Discussion.

She stay's. know.

I'm hungry ( I was gonna stay in and eat a steak and new potatoes and salad and peppercorn sauce and shit before she called) So we visit the local curry house and order. No sooner have we sat down ( waiting in the curry house, on the sofas, for the order) when she sticks the lips on me, and (as they say) the rest is history .

Ho hum!!

Apart from tripping over my table and chucking prawn curry all over the front room carpet ( it's stained to fuck and always will be from here on in?) It turned out to be a rather lovely evening of wholesome fondling and joyness all round.

She left this morning and I went to band rehearsals for the upcoming tour ( all went well, got some wicked gigs coming up over the summer, all will be revealed)

Now I'm back in the house, Sunday night, few joints worth and I still have my big Angus beef steak and new potatoes and salad and peppercorn sauce and shit to eat. Plus latest episodes of Prison Break and Lost to watch.

I smell of Little Mistress too.... ;0)

All good.

I've stopped being miserable.

Thank fuck!!

Off on tour in the morning.

Ha, funny!

Continuing the crappy Virgin theme , no surprise here then!!