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Monday, October 31, 2005

All Hallows Eve !!

Halloween then eh !!

Guess that calls for some truly evil deeds to be done !!

Haaa , Ha , Ha , Haa , Ha , Haaaaaa , etc. etc. !!!

And then some ...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Big fukin rig !!

Sooo , Fridays gig was fukin rockin ... I got my hands dirty doing FOH on what is probably one of the top club sound systems in the world , like no shit people !! , not the best live sound system , but the one of the best club sound systems easily ... This club has six one and a half storey high speaker stacks which are like easily 10k each ( that's ten thosand watts each , your hifi is probably around sixty watts , so you kinda get the picture !! ) ...

What a fukin amazing system , fat as you like .. The whole thing is ethernet'd up so you can walk around with this little wifi box thing and it will Eq the whole system remotely including the bands wedges ( those little wedge speakers you can see on the floor in front of any live band ) .. Most have cost a fukin packet that rig I can tell you , one amp = £ 4000 and there are 20 of them just for the main rig ... Put it this way , the DJ booth has a sound system big enough for a 400 capacity nightclub and that's just for the fukin dj's , the lighting rig has a controller that could easily accommodate a Pink Floyd concert with room to spare ., way over the top for a club , your talking major , major investment here , I'd say somebody loves a bit of bass with their cup of tea I can tell ya !!!

So yeah , the night rocked .. We left the club at around five and went to the afterparty at my mate C's house in West London and that's were all the fun really started as we all got absolutely fukin trollied !!! .. My mate C recorded what I think was one of the best cases of loss of balance ( falling over ) I've every seen as he tried to step over a foot high coffee table full of JD and beer and vodka and ashtrays and cocaine etc... He lost his balance , put one foot on the end of the table which then catapulted everything into the air which in turn went flying acrooss the room but as the table right'd itself he was still trying to find his balance and so he ends up sorta running on the spot on top of the tables now wet surface before finally losing his balance completely and gracefully piling in a sort of forward somersault movement into a stack of records in the corner of the room ... I half expected everyone to hold up cards saying , 8.5 , 9 , 9 , 8.5 , 9 etc. , you know gymnastics style .. Ha .. fukin funny as fuck .. Luckly we didn't lose too much drink etc ...

So I left the party at 1 o'clock sat afternoon got the train home and then slept all day yesterday , and now I'm back and writing this , the clock's turned back last night so we all ( In England ) lost an hour's sleep last night .. Ummm !! Anyway , moving swiftly along ?

I stand corrected , we gained an hour seemingly ( Thanks Lord Doom you have spoken !! )...

The clock's turned back last night so we all ( In England ) gained an hour's sleep last night .. Ummm !! Anyway , still moving swiftly along ?

Sooo , Benny Scale of Fuckedness = Oh !! around 840 i'd say plus another 20 for C's fall ..

I'm gonna kick back with the Sunday papers and watch some Dvd's , cook some food and generally try and recover from Friday night's Shenanigans .... I have tomorrow off and then Tues I'm gonna go to my mate B's studio , were swapping a day of my time for a studio amplifier he doesn't need and I want badly .. And then Wed = band night , Thur's another band night and then Fri the club again ( I got so many call's from the club staff on Fri night , how do you do this , turn on that etc. that I might as well have been there ) , so that's next week all covered .. Gawd I'm busy at the moment ... All fun though !!

Oh yeah it's Halloween Monday night .. S's ( my ex's ) birthday .. Sooo , Happy birthday babe I still miss ya loads mate , shame I can't tell you in person , but hey ! , You can't have everything you want can ya ? Awww , big sad face ...

Right , food , papers , peace !!

Also ... This is fukin pathetic , what are we fukin children .. What the fuck is up with this fukin government .. Ok Tony Blair , first you let the American government bully you into war for no fukin reason , sending our squaddies to die so we can all keep trading in dollars , Oh yeah send em to die to support Americas out of control trade deficit ... Top Idea mate , then your trying to make us all have fukin ID cards ( By the way ... we don't fukin want em ) , now your trying to make us give up our civil liberties .. I don't want a fukin government babysitter thank you very much ... I thought it would be a good idea to vote you in , now I just think your a prick mate .. What's next mate a 9pm kerfew .. Mi5 were right all along , were slowly becoming a fukin police nanny state ??

Were a nation that like's to have a drink , deal with it ...

I do agree that we should ban alchopops , vodka jellies , etc. etc. though ... You see people drinking that shit at the club and your guaranteed to be scraping them off the floor by 3 o'clock ...

Friday, October 28, 2005

Fridays Rant ..

Sooo , Yesterday afternoon my landlady knocks on the door ...

" Can you help me my PC has crashed ? " ..

Me : " Yeah no problem I'll come down in a moment "

Well fuck me ... I gave up on PC's about 12 years ago and know I fukin know why !! " ..

Although I know my way around them , I don't care too own one ...

Anyway , I have never in my life had such a fukin pain in the arse job to do , no wonder PC engineers get paid so much fukin money !! "

And this is supposed to be a good PC .... HP Compaq dc5100 Microtower PC thingymajigy !!!

Age , about four months ...

Now I've done my time as an Apple Mac engineer when times were hard and it got me money when I was learning how to do the job that I do now and I can safely say that I can get any Apple computer no matter what the problem ( apart from hardware failure which is very , very rare ) up and running within 40 mins , period ..

But this thing ... fuck me !! , and I was only re-installing the fukin system software !! , Jeez louise talk about user unfriendly..

Yes I know about software restore , but that wouldn't fukin work far enough back OK

Windows XP takes about 35 mins to install it's software and it took it Six fukin goes just to do this simple task ...

It had a tendancy to fukin jam up after about half an hour , it would just sit there doing fukin nothing , always on a different bit of the install , always right at the fukin end of the job in hand ...

I nearly threw the thing out of the fukin window at one point ...

And yes , I have an I.T. degree so I know what the fuck I'm doing before you say ..

I've configured 150 node Mac server systems in less time than this shit took to install one fukin operating system , and that's including doing all of the fukin subnet calculations ....

And no it wasn't the install CD , I had two copies to hand ...

I'm not kiding you , PC's are going backwards , not forwards ...

Anyway , I gets the thing up and running , all good ...

Hard disks intact , all programmes working , half a ton of spyware , addware , virus shit removed, it was even trying to connect to the internet thru a Proxy server in Fukin Russia , ( My landlady does her banking on this piece of shit ?? )

So I gets it all going when ... Bam it crashes again ... Fuck me !!

Another hour of backwards software restoring later it's working again ..( turns out the anti spyware programme was crashing the system ... Ha how fukin ironic !! )

But... Every time I try to do something the damn thing tries to connect to MSN instant messenger... Fuck off Bill Gates , when I want to connect to MSN , I'll fukin tell you , you don't tell me !!

And after every click of the mouse ( closing windows etc .. ) the thing would hang for a second or so .. This would drive me completely fukin insane , It feels like the processor is straining to take a shit after every mouse down ? , I could feel myself muttering the words " Come on mate , you can do it , Big push for England !! " .. If I'm working I like things to be silky smooth and not like I'm being dragged through fukin gravel ...

For fucks sake !!!!

So we finally call it a day at 11 pm , 10 hours ( minus a trip to the dentists approx 1hr ) after I'd started ...

Ladies and Gentleman .. Computers are supposed to be a tool to help in our daily lifes , not the other fukin way round ..

Sooo Bill Gates , thanks for the free lesson in Windows XP computer problems ( I could go out and get work on todays information alone mate ) , but I'll stick to my Apple Mac thanks very much , No nonsense , virus , adware , spyware free , plain old computing power does it for me ... Every fukin time ..

For those of you about to explode into the Mac versus PC argument ... Don't even bother , in fact try this for size ..

G5 = 180 track of 24 bit audio bouncing down + playing a film + downloading bit torrents + updating my mobile phone with bluetooth all at the same time and it's still fukin running ..

Or for all you music bods out there .. Logic Audio Pro running 40 tracks of 24bit Audio + 32 exs24 inst's + 6 convolving reverbs + 10 compressors + 12 stereo delays + 24 other effects ( inc.. Phazers , Multi-taps , limiters , flangers , pitchshifters etc. etc.) = 80 % processor load ... And if you don't believe me I'll email you the screen shots ...

PC versus MAC ... No comment , I really don't feel the need to justify my case ... Today told me all that I need to know ..

I have a life !!

Hmmm !!

Rant over ...

Anyway , I have a big night ahead , so I'm gonna go and do my thang people ...

And for all those who keep asking , Yes I sleep , but only about six hours a night ... There's far too much life to be livin , and If Margaret Thatcher could've run a country on five hours sleep a night , I can damn well run a life on six !!

Also check out this new browser It let's you blogg directly from it's front page and you can also drag and drop pictures straight into a post and resize them etc . When all the bugs are ironed out this will be the best browser on the market I reckon , it's totally the future for bloggers ... Way cool !!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

How fukin loud ?

Sooo , Last nights band night was a lot of fun , three Grungy type bands for starters and then thee loudest band that I've ever heard in my life ( and that's going some !! ) for the main course ..

Ok , the venue I was aworking consists of three rooms . One main band room say 2000 people , a bar for 300 people and a smaller room for 400 people ...

Last nights promotors had chosen the smaller room due to budgeting costs to hold their band night .. Me personally I think the small room is too small for bands as once you get a drum kit playing it can get unpleasently loud to the point where It can be painfull and of course the guitarists like to be as loud as the drummer so it can get fukin awfull in there ..

I've measured 132 decibels in there before ... That's about as loud as standing next to a medium sized commercial jet on take off ( i.e. Fukin loud as fuck ) ... And dangerous if you don't have earplugs in !! ... But the kids seem to love it so what the fuck do I know !!

Anyway that's the noise level with one drum kit , last nights band had four !! , Yep you heard correct ... Four fukin drum kits !! ... Four Drumkits , two guitar ( lead and bass ) , one old casiotone keyboard and a lead singer ... Fuck me !! I have never heard anything as loud in my life ... I didn't have my decimeter ( sound level meter ) with me last night so I couldn't measure the levels but I reckon it was right off the scale ... Put it this way , if health and safety had been there we would have been shut down ... Immediately !!!!

So , it gets to kerfew and this band are showing no signs of stopping , therefore I'm given the task of ending the set ... Woopee fukin doo ... Sorta like trying to stop a steam train by putting you foot out on the track ...

OK so first line of defence ... Mute the sound system ... No good as the guitars and drums are louder than the rig is anyway , so minimal impact ...Next line of defence ... Trip the circuit breakers , again , that gets rid of the two guitars and the keyboard ... But the drummers just keep on drumming .. Next line of defence , put on the house lights , that just makes it bright but still those pesky drummers keep doing their thing .. As far as my battlefield techniques go , I'm all out of bullets here people and the Germans are moving in for the kill .. Doomed I am , Doomed !!!

So the bar manager , mad as a fish Irishman comes running down the stairs .. The guys totally potty but a real laugh !!

" Turn that fukin racket off bejeezus , you'll have somefukers eye out !!!! "

Me : " It is off mate , Thats all I can do "

Him : " Crikey lord gawwdy mother of jeezus .. Right that's it .."

He runs into the middle of the drummers...


He starts confiscating drumsticks from the various drummers like he's the teacher taking control of a rowdy classroom .. Very , very Fukin funny !!

He gets all the drumsticks and throws them all in the direction of the bar , everybody ducks as they slam into the coffee machine ...

Double fukin funny ...

" Thank you very fukin much you pesky fukin children !! " He's laughing at the same time so it's all kinda tongue in cheek ..

" Now tidy up this fukin mess and get to bed before your mother fuking sees it "

He leaves the stage kicking various mic stand over etc...

As he walks away , one of the drummers ( a girl ) produces another set of drumsticks and starts playing again ..

He scuttles back onto the stage , trips over various leads etc. grabs her drumsticks and snaps them over his knee ..

He raises his hand to her .. " If I didn't want your children .. I'd be thrashing your backside by now you petulant little fuker !! "

He then storms off like a child ..

By this time me and the band are pissing ourselfs laughing ... Top !!

That counts as about number six in my great rock n roll moments of all time .. Fukin hillarious in the extreme .. I nearly fukin wet myself ...

I was still gigling about it while having a stoppyback drink in the bar an hour later ...

Ha !!!

So yeah , four drumkits = Too fukin loud ...

Fukin awesome sound though ...

Ok soo , today I'm working at home and tomorrows band night got cancelled so that leaves huge band night on Friday ..

It's turning ( apart from the Banking shit ) into a really enjoyable week people ...

All good , all good indeedy ...

Bye !!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Fukin British Banks !!

Sooo , Hoorah .. I'm not running the club Friday , I've been asked to engineer the band I went to Russia with at a huge central London gig which should be a hell of a lot of fun yo !! Party on dudes ...

I was working on a mix till 4am this morning so I'm a little tired , but I'm loving this working at home thing , I can work and then say watch a film and then do some more work and then make some food and watch a bit of TV then ... You get the picture , totally on your own time .. It's fukin great !! I could get used to this ..

So I'm off to do a band night this evening , I think it's a bit of an " Amateur night at the Apollo " sort of thing , so could be good , could be downright awfull .. We'll see !!

Rant of the day : I've just got off the phone to the bank ..

Dear Bank ... Stop fukin farming out fukin calls to foreign countries ( India I think ) , When I call you I want to be able to A. Talk to somebody fukin English and B. Talk to somebody who knows what the fuck they're on about !!

I'm transferring accounts at the mo and the bank transfered all my money but forgot to switch all the direct fukin debits .. Their fault entirely !! , So I get a letter this morning telling me I'm being charged £120 for four unpaid direct debits( they also shut the overdraft facility as I'm closing the first account ) .. Fuck You Bank !!

Me : " Well , can you tranfer some money back to the old account and pay the Direct debits ?? "

Them :" Err no sir that accounts is now closed "

Me: " Not closed enough for you to fukin charge me on it though , is it ?? "

Them : " I'm sorry sir you'll have to go to the branch where your opening the account " .. His words

Opening the fukin account , opened the account O P E N E D ... Speak fukin English mate , E N G L I S H !!

Me : " Thats the other side of fukin London , miles away you fukin doughnut !! "

Them : " I'm sorry sir but .... "

I slam the phone down ....

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh !!!!!!!

I'm not paying for your fuck ups , And now I'm getting real mad coz I'm speakin to somebody in fukin India to sort out my British bank problems ...

So now I have to travel right across London to my native branch to shout a lot there ( cos you can't speak to them on the fukin phone directly !!) .. Trouble is they've not sent me the cards for the new account yet .. And coz I won't use credit cards ( I fukin hate emm, total rip off !! ) I'm sorta stuck in the house .. For fucks sake !!!!!

Like I have the fukin time to sort this shit out !!

So I'm gonna have to borrow some money from the landlady to go and get my money out of my fukin bank account ... For fucks sake, how fukin embarrasing !! , It's like being a student again .. And I'm starving hungry , can't believe that I can't even take myself for fukin Lunch !!

Cunts !!!!

What do you have to do to get some fukin service nowadays ???

Jeezus , It's not like I don't put enough money through my accounts you tossers !!

Easy job : Transfer all my money and direct debits to a new account , you can't even get that right ???

Actually you know what , I 'm gonna change banks ... Fuck em !!

Yeah fuck em all !!!

I might just fukin charge them for fukin up my schedule ...

And I was having such a nice morning too !!!

Rant over !!

Right , lets do this then ...

Sorry if I'm being harsh , but I'm kinda pissed off !!

Bye !!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Oh dear !!

Previously on Diary of a London cokehead :

Londoncokehead and Little Mistress set off for a weekend in the countryside to a residential studio where a mates recording his album ......

Sooo , the weekend was awash with stupid madness ..

Studio sesh + musicians + drugs + child like intentions = complete fukin carnage !!

Half an album to go and the music starts going off on some stupid tangent ... That's when you know it's time to put down the instruments , do some drugs and start playing silly buggers .

So that's exactly what we did !!

I managed to keep myself away from the mixing desk and have some real fun for a change ..

The booze flowed , the conversation turned from the moderately insane to the completely potty within the space of two hours and peaked as my mate J declared his undenying love for his Stratocaster guitar and as such were married about 3.30 am on the morning of the 23 oct 2005 ... Awww !!

One man and his fender !! , I think she's just stringing him along though !!

The drummer G was found (with a girl ) around 5 am rolling around in a broom cupboard ...
Can't wait to see those pictures ( and no , I'm not gonna post em .. The guy has a career you know !! ) ... He was discovered partly due to the girly shouts of " Hold on , the mops goin up me bum mate !! " .. Ha !!

The rest of the party just hung around and got shitfaced till the drugs ran out ...

Pete Doherty and Kate moss .. You aint got a patch on this lot kids ... Sorry an that !!

Me and little Mistress rolled out about 7 in the morning to bright sunshine ( Oooof !! ) , and somehow managed to find our way home ..

We slept a couple of hours and went for Sunday lunch .. As far as I was concerned the fukin Yorkshire puddings where talking to me ( something about the metaphysical reasoning behind being a baked bit of dough !! ) and the carrots looked like little spacepods ready to invade planet gravy at any moment !!

We didn't stay long for obvious reasons ..

We returned to my house and slept some more and then watched some DVDs and had a shag last night ...

I returned to Earth this morning with a bang ( cos I tripped and fell into the wardrobe ) ..

And now I am back at the old G5 trying to finish a mix and write this post !!

I feel suprisingly OK considering ..

Sooo ... Benny scale of fukedness = 910 Yep ...That's pretty fukin high people !!

So what's in store this week , Today = nothing , Tues = band night , Wed mixing at home , Thursday another band night , Fri = running the club ..

No rest for the wicked .. Still , all good !!

I need some food .

Also : Oh no !! , The end is nigh , we're all fukin doomed !!!

Fair play to the TV news reporter telling that story on C4 news last night for not bursting out in histerics ... He read , he giggled , the face contorted but he managed to keep it together !!

Fuck knows how ? I'd have fallen off the fukin chair in fits myself mate !!

Give that man a cigar !!!

Bye !!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Moving mince !!

Sooo , we've been moving the studio for the last couple of days which has been a fukin nightmare .. Imagine moving house and then add a mixing desk ( big heavy shit ) and about four miles of cable and you'll sorta get the Idea ..... Headache ..

It's all going into storage for a month and then into a new home in West London ... So for a month or so I'll be entertaining clients in my home studio at well , eeerrr , home !! .. ( Oh shit better tidy up then, looks around and freaks out a bit !!! )

Anyway that's gonna be tough coz I can't obviously have the same noise levels in the house .. And those clients just love to make noise !!

Tues band night was a complete washout ... Two great bands who forgot one thing .. " You have to invite a fukin crowd to have a good gig you fukin idiots !!! " . Nobody and I mean nobody turned up , just me , the bands and some photographer bird .. Still , I don't care , I still get fukin paid !!

Band person , " Can we pay you a bit less coz nobody turned up "

Me , " No way hozey matey boy "

Band person , " But that's gonna leave us a it short "

Me , " I'm sorry mate but that's just not the way it works in my book , I don't get paid anymore when there's 5000 people , soo , why the fuck should I get paid any less when no one turns up , to which I might add that the attendance has nothing to do with me mate , I just turn up and do my job !!! , Nope , Sorry mate your just gonna have to take it on the chin this time laddo !! "

Got paid !!

So what's in store for the weekend , well tonight it's the club and then tomorrow I'm meeting up with Little Mistress and we're off to a residential studio in the Home Counties ... My mate J is recording his new album and were gonna drop in for a bit of a rock n roll sesh !!

Should be fun , J's totally off his rocker and a right laugh .. He's the sort of guy that if you ever go traveling with him you are garanteed to be stopped and strip searched at customs , happens every fukin time , the guy just has "i'm a drug dealing rockstar " , written all over his face ( which he is , but hey !! ) .. Blesss !!

So I'm looking forward to Sat , It'll be nice to be hanging out in a studio and not be working for a change , Although I'm sure I'll get roped in , nevermind that's just the nature of the job !!

Ok ... So I'm off to get some food now , fancy some Thai ...Me kom grum pow fuck pad Thai stuff .. Whatever !!

Can't believe you lot don't know what mince is .... I think you call it ground beef , Ok , It's cow put through a mincing machine ( What's a fukin mincing machine ?? )

Ok for the silly people out there ...

Mince 101 : A PhD postgraduate study

Are you with me now !!

What the fuck do you lot make Spaghetti bolognese from ?

Recycled McDonalds I guess ??

And for all you vegetarians and vegans out there who thought that was completely fukin inappropriate ..

" Londoncokehead your a completely fukin horrible person so you are and I'm telling teacher !! "

A peace offering ....

Ok world , look out , i'm comin to get ya !!!!

Bye ..

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Respect for this man !!

Check out this guy .. He's trying to kick coke .. And I think he needs your support people ..Soooo go to his blogg and say hello .. You'll make a world of difference ..

And No , it's not me !!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Frying with the big lads !!

Gawd , I was up till 6am this morning trying to mix a tune that for some reason didn't want to be mixed , then I remembered that I had come in the previous night and tripped over the fukin speaker wires and pulled them out of the amp .. Sooo on closer inspection .. Oh yes you prick you wired them in back to front = Phase reverse = Impossible to mix on !!! Fukin doughnut !! Sooo , changed out the wires and as If by magic the mix is finished in ten minutes ...

Note to self : Always check speaker phase before wasting hours of your own fukin time !!

So now I feel knackered and there was absolutely no need to feel fukin knackered !!!

If I had a brain I would be fukin lethal ...

So what's tonight then ? .. Oh yes , engineering two live bands , club , Central London , all good .. Fuck I could do with more sleep though , I'm trying to detox this week and the lack of sleep really isn't fukin helping people !!

Yep , I'm giving my body a rest as it was put through a lot at the weekend poor thing !!

Tomorrow , remixing some band in the studio, same thing Thurs and Friday running the club .. Pretty standard week really ..

One of my writing partners comes home next week after a summer DJ'ing in Ibiza ( Lucky fuker !! ) , so It's heads down for the winter and time to do some real work with some real fukin bands , the kind of bands that sell music by the skip load = lot's of money and lot's of fun !!

It's strange really but the better the bands , the easier the work is ( for me ) ..

I guess it's like cooking , If you use shite ingredients , it doesn't matter what you do with them it'll still taste like shite ...

So this winter we're frying Danish Bacon with the big lads in the shiny shiny pans ... Hoorah !!

Michelin two star here we come ... Haven't quite made it to 3 star yet , but I'm working on it , give it another couple of years , I'm patient !! Until then I'll just have to settle for a duck pond instead of a guitar shaped swimming pool .. Still though I kinda like ducks they quack and waddle and shit !! ... Quaaaccckkk ( duck sound ) !!

Yes ...well.... Alrighty !!

Right I'm gonna get ready , have some food , a shower and a strong cup of fukin coffee then go do some work !!

I better have some good bands tonight , I'm in no mood for fukin turd polishing !!!

Right , stuff to do , people to see !!

One more thing ! , You goofy Americans I eat British beef ( num nun !! ) all the time ( timey timey time time !! ) and it's never ( ningle ningle blam !! ) affected ( feckety feck feck ) me ( me tiddle le didle eeeeee !! ) , what gives ( ivs ivvidy iv iv iv shaaaaapppaaaag !!!! ) ... Yeah man , not a problemo ( m .. m ... mo ... moooo ... mooooooo !! )

Give me Army rations any day of the week , it sure beats starvation and looting Mr Bushity Bush person ..

If it's good enough for the SAS then .... I rest my case !!

And just to prove the beef thingy , I'm having mince on toast for lunch .. No , really I am !!

Mince on toast

Brown mince + 1 onion in a pan

Drain off excess fat

Add instant gravy to pan ( or make some gravy if you can be arsed !! )

Add some herbs ..

leave to simmer 30 mins

Have a shower , make a cup of coffee , do some emails ... whatever !!

Make some toast

Put mince on top of toast = Mince on toast

The origional beef burger ... Except kinda centuries older !!

Top !!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Green and white are well alright !!

Sooo , I'm hungover to buggery today ...

Last night was soo fukin wild that I think I even outdid myself in the drugs taking stakes ... Ouch !!

I'd tell all , but I really can't remember much of it myself .. I remember getting out of a cab at Covent gardens and something about a hedgerow, a girl and a plastic gnome but other than that ... Fuck knows !!

I don't feel guilty today so I guess the night went OK and I was well away from my usual crowd so it's not that important if I made a pratt of myself and apart from the small chunk I seem to have removed from my finger ( Damn those fukin toilet doors !! ) , I don't seem to have any visible scars .. All good !!

Guess It'll all come flooding back within the next couple of hours ...

Benny scale of fuckedness = 890 , I think !!

I bought some new Studio monitors ( Speakers ) for my little setup in the house and got them delivered to the club Friday . I plugged them in a couple of hours ago and watched A History of Violence on the old G5 and I gotta tell you it was like having a cinema in my bedroom .. Fukin top !! , great film by the way ..

I'm gonna relax and watch Weeds in a mo , I love this show It sorta reminds me of a mate who serves up smoke in London ( He's a single dad trying to make ends meet etc.. ) .. Funny stuff !!

Also : I love the look of the new ipod but after much deliberating I've decided not to buy for 3 reasons ..

1. That screen's gonna last about a week in my back pocket .. I have a mate who runs a company replacing ipod screens and batteries and he's gonna fukin clean up with those things , he's just bought himself a new BMW off the back of ipod nano screen replacements ( not good Apple , not good at all ) , and he says he's gonna clean up off video ipods ?? You have been warned ...

2. If your watching a video ipod on the tube or a bus etc. Then you're just asking to be fukin mugged , so don't come crying to me when it happens .

3. Your gonna look like a real show off prick with one of those things .. It's a bit bling innit !!

I still can't believe people walk around with those stupid white fukin headphones on , they ain't cool anymore people and we all know you've got an ipod ... So Fuck !! , trouble is if you actually went out and bought some decent headphones you would also have an ipod that sounded nice !!! Believe you me those white headphone sound shite , I know I'm a sound engineer and I can safely say that they are fukin sonic toss !!

Don't believe the hype either ... Noise cancelling , molded , in ear , total isolation , digitronic , up your bum £200 headphones .... Fuck that !! , get yourself a pair of Sennheiser MX series or Beyerdynamic DTX series £25 headphones and you really will hear that bus coming before it puts you in hospital !!

Noise cancelling , Total isolation headphones are fukin deadly in a big city .. Trust me !!!

Sooo , to sum it all up ... ipods with un ipod headphones are cool , ipods with white headphones and video ipods are right out in my book !!!

Yum yum , I'm cooking sausage casserole a la me , and it's nearly done .. I'm sat here drooling at the smell that's wafting round the flat ... Ooooo !!!

Right , weeds , sausage casserole and a big spliff .. What more can a growing lad need !! ..

Oh yeah a good shag !!!

Where's that Little Mistress then ??

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Oooof , I'm hungover today ...

After a day in the studio , we went to watch the England match at the local pub and then got absolutely trollied so now my head hurts ... A lot !!

I got roped into engineering an alternative music night .... Woopie fukin doo !!

Note to the alternative band night bands : Oh , is that what you call it .. Alternative music ... More like complete toss to me people ... Avent Guard ?? , " Avent got a fukin clue more like !! "

So halfway through this band ( Well suppose that's what you'd call it ) this bands manager comes up to me and says " Can you make that snare drum sound a bit tighter mate ? "

Me : " Yeah mate no problem "

But I'm really thinking ... What's the fukin point mate ... If you can pick out the snare drum sound in the midst of all that racket then you should be doing my job , cos I can't hear a fukin thing ...

I'm watching this band play ... 1 sax , 1 clarinet , 1 trombone , 1 drummer , bass , two guitars , 1 cheapo Yamaha keyboard ( the sort that you 'd pay 20 quid for down the local market ) and a Little Japanese thing shouting , No ! , screaming at the microphone .. and I'm thinking " I wonder if you know ... Do you really go home at night thinking that your band is the bees knees or do you actually know how bad you really are ?? "

My advice .. Don't give up your day jobs people !!

Still I suppose it only makes the good bands sound better .. Well actually it makes the bad bands sound better but that's a different story ..

I was glad to get out of the venue and go home ..

The last band ran over the kerfew and the bar venue manager shouts over too me ( from the other side of the club ) ... His exact words ( in a thick Irish accent ) " What the fucks going on , turn this fucking shite off , we don't let the fucking good bands play 15mins over never mind this poor fucking excuse for fucking horse manure stuck to the bottom of my fucking shoe , can you actually play those fucking instruments or have you just stolen them from the local fucking village hall down the road ? , you'll scare off the fukin pidgeons if you're not fucking lucky !! "

Hee hee ... Well said that man !!

Gawd I feel rough people !!

Gonna cook some food ... Thai green curry a la me .. me thinks !!

O Yeah , Gotta have one of these it would be rude not too !!

Right food !!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Simple really .. When you think about it !!

Sooo , what a weekend .. Spent the entire weekend surrounded by beautiful women .. My mates L and I and S plus of course Little Misstress who was celebrating her Birthday ... I bought her a nice watercolour paint set as she wants to paint stuff !! , gawd knows what's gonna come out of that little creative mind of hers , interesting ... Ummm !!

So we all went partying at a little club in West London and did drugs and had a dance and fell over etc ...

My mate T ( bloke ) , walks into the club about 10.30 with this girl in tow that he's on a hot date with ( lets just call her X for now !! ) , trouble is that on Friday night T had slept with I ( one of the girls I was out with ) and then made the excuse that he was too tired to go out with us all on Sat night ...

So T's walked in with X when I's on the dancefloor = potentially explosive situation if I sees X with T or T and X meet eye to eye with I ... Fuck me this is starting to sound like a fukin Physics lesson ..

So if the nightclub = N

And I sees X with T or T and I meet eye to eye with X in N ....

Then naturally ...

T+X+I+N = Critical mass = Kaboom !!!

Are you all with me on this ??

So Me ( LCH ) and L and little Mistress ( LM ) grab T and X and steer T + X away from I who's on the dancefloor ( DF ) and I ( me ) fill T in on the situation about I while trying not too alert X as to what is going down between T and I ... Phew !!

T gets with the plan and tells X that there's a bloke he rather not see in N and that they should go for a Thai Curry ( TC ) in Notting hill ( NH ) on Portobello Road ( PR ) instead ... X agrees ( thank fuck ) ... So T and X leave N via exit ( Ex ) to avoid I on DF now dancing with L so that I won't see eye too eye with T + X and they go for a TC in NH on PR ...

Conclusion : To avoid critical mass of T+X+I+N ... A catalyst of LCH + LM will steer T + X away via Ex to avoid T + X from reacting with I + L on DF of N and then T + X will go for TC in NH on PR ..

Simple really ... But if T + X + I .... O fuck it !!

Mission accomplished ....

Ummm !!

Anyway ......

Benny scale of Fuckedness = 890

I had one of those fukin dreams last night where I was still at school in the middle of my final exams and I realise that I haven't revised anything on the exam paper !! Arrgggghhh major panic time ... I woke up in a cold sweat and the relief when I realised that it was just a dream was fukin overwhelming ... I hate that dream , big time !!!

It all boiled down to the fact that I'd forgotten my packed lunch ???

What the fuck is that about ??

I have the day off , so I'm going to go shopping and stock up the cupboards with food !!

What's tomorrow ? O yeah , another band night ... Whoppie fukin dooo !!!

Right .... Shopping !!

O and ... Please , this aint news ... Tell us something that we don't know !!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Mic check ... One two !!

Soo , Last night was busy busy ... Four bands all pretty much the same , drums two guitars , bass , couple of singers , few groupies etc..

Band No.1 was ok , No. two band are not bad apart from the lead singer dented my brand fukin new SM58 vocal mic .. Twat !! Band No.3 were fukin excellent ... their lead singer really lit the venue up and the whole set was mega tight ...

And then there was the headlining band ( I'm mentioning no names here !! ) ..

I was really looking forward to engineering this band .. The've had a shit load of media saturation over the last two weeks plus their unsigned and seemingly pegged for the top .. They brought a huge crowd of about 500 people with them and some of the top A & R talent scouts were at the venue ...

The soundcheck had gone OK I suppose , allthough they gave nothing away by not really playing any songs but mearly testing the mics etc. Not really that good for me as I don't get a proper balance of sound but after the three support acts that's well and truely sorted anyway .. Ok a bit rock and roll but i'm a trooper , I can deal with band egos not wanting to give anything away at the soundcheck .. All good ..

Sooo ... The anticipation in the venue was amazing , you could tell something truely special was about to go down .. The crowd was fukin buzzing like a hornets nest ..

The band had a five minute intro consisting of visuals , walk on music , strange bass tones etc... By the time they hit the stage the crowd was going ballistic ...

They introduced themselves to screams of delight from the girls in the mosh pit ... Good looking guys , they certainly looked the part and after that intro they would have had to !!

Sooo , this band screams into the first number , the place goes fukin wild ... After about ten seconds of the first song I realise something .... This band are fukin absolutely fukin .... Shite !!!! No , not the shit , but shit , really fukin shit !!

They can't play , not a fukin note .... The drummer can't hit the snare in the same place twice , in fact Idon't think he actually hit the fukin snare and he can't play in time , the guitarists can't play in time or tune , they sound like a bunch of stepped on cat's ( with their mouths taped up , mumbly high pitched toss ) , and the bass player seems to be playing a different tune to everyone else ... I coudn't believe how fukin bad these guys were ... Fukin terrible !!

I really thought that this was some kind of fukin joke to wind the audience up , but no , second song the same , third , and then fourth ??

I was doing some serious turd polishing from behind the mixing desk I can tell you ..

Some girl comes up to me ... " turn up the vocal I can't hear what their singing !! " ... " Funny that love , neither can I and it's up as far as it can possibly go ? " .. Those vocal setting with any other band would be deafening the fukin crowd by now ??

Fukin terrible .. Every riff and chord change ( if you can call it that ) has me cringing behind the mixing desk ..

What's coming out of the PA system is just a wall of absolute shite , and then some !!

I'm thinking that these guys are like off their heads or something .. but all of them , surely not ?? , and when they talk between songs they sound pretty sober to me ??

This band ( and I use that phrase as a reference point ) , can obviously talk the talk , do the drugs , mix with the right people in the know ... But can they walk the walk , can they fuck !!

Complete toss !!

I watch as about four of the top A & R men in the business sneak out of the venue , scratching their heads ..

The crowd seem to be enjoying this , but I think it was what I call the " lost sheep effect " .. i.e. your pissed , your really supposed to be enjoying this , it's probably art and your mates seem to be enjoying it , you feel obliged to be enjoying it , so you naturally just do !!

The band finish their set , the crowd shouts ( in a half arsed way ) .. " more ! , more ! " ... So they come back on and do the worst encore I've ever heard , ever , period !! .... I don't think that song was actually written , I seriously think it was made up on the fukin spot ..

Terrible ..

Band off stage , lights up , venue cleared , band in dressing room talking about the gig.. This is actually what was being said !!

" Thats the best gig we've ever fucking done lads , fucking top stuff "

" Yeah the crowd were mad for us "

" Did you see the birds upfront , I'm gonna shag em all "

" Yeah that new chorus before the bridge , fucking rocked it !!! "

" Did you speak to the A & R , I think they all fucked off early so they can be first to offer us a deal !! "

" Yeah man ... were gonna be fucking massive " ..

Pleeeaaassseee !!!!

Your fukin shite , If you get signed , I'm gonna find another job ...

Lead singer to me ... " eeer mate , how do you fancy doin the sound on our world tour "

Me .. " O fuck yeah , but I'm too commited at the moment lads , sorry and that "

Lead singer..." We'll pay you double "

Me.... " Fuck yeah "

I give him a false number .. Hopefully that's the end of it !!

Jeez Louise , Rock and fukin roll , is there no end to this shit !!

As I'm clearing the stage the guy from the band three comes up to me ... " What the fuck was that about ? " ....

Me ... " I'm thinking exactly the same thinking mate "

Him .. " I can't believe that just happened "

Me ..." No comment mate "

Him .. " Yep !! "

Me ... " Yep !! "

Ouch ... Rock and roll !!

Off out to run a club people ..

Bye !

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The pork chop drop !!

Soo , I finally get an evening off .. Hoorah !!

I'm absolutely shattered and so full of cold that I think my heads about to explode ..

No good having a cold and engineering bands as you can't really hear stuff properly which is a real pain in the arse .

I guess winters arrived then !! , fukin six months of dark nights and miserable grey gloomy days .. I would'nt care if it actually snowed or something in London but it fukin doesn't , well it does snow but by the time it hits the ground it's gone !!

I'm just gonna bed down for the winter and work in the studio etc ... Roll on summer !!

Ha , I've just caught the end of the news on TV as I'm typing .. Jerry Hall going on about how talented Kate Moss is as a model .. Ok let me just comment briefly on this sentence .. Kate Moss looks really fit and is totally loaded however being a model does not in any fukin way qualify you as being talented .. I don't give a shit what anyone says !! Any fuker with the right look can be a model period , talent does not come into it , genetics however does ! A brain surgeon or an orchestral musician or a world class athelete or a booker prize winning novelist has talent , Kate fukin Moss does not !! She just has the right look , end of ...

I engineered a comedy night last night ( easy pizzy lemon sqeezy work ) , and I haven't laughed so hard in ages , top night out !! , Could do with a few more of those really .... Tomorrow is another big band night and then Friday the club and then Sat finished, hoorah !! , No more fukin students ... Woohoo !!

Kinda funny , me and little Mistress were going down the stairs in the house the other night and the top lightbulb in the entrance had blown .. It was completely pitch black which is kinda scary Mary cos the staircase sweeps down past a huge stain glass window which in the dark looks incredibly creepy .. So we're both trying to make our way down the stairs when I felt something fukin move under my foot , all of a sudden there was this huge fukin shrill scream sound like I'd stepped on a fukin rat or something , we both completely shit ourself's and I stumbled and fell down the rest of the fukin stairs ... Soo , Little Mistress ran to turn on the downstairs light and find out what had gone on .. Turns out that the fukin dog had left one of those Squeeky pork chop lookalike toys halfway down the stairs ... Stupid mutt , nearly broke my fukin neck !!

Right gonna chill and watch some TV ...

Listening to : Franz Ferdinand " You could have it so much better " .. Don't paticularly like this band or their ( Just bought all my clothes from Oxfam ) look , and those fukin haircuts , what happened lads ? , did you all have a fight with your mums scissors and a Pyrex bowl ? ... I'm giving it a listen anyway ..

Update : Finished listening to new Franz Ferdinand album .. Ummm , nothing really , no interesting production , no new ground broken , Ok songs , not particularly well recorded , not a fantastic singer , disposible ... It'll probably sell millions though ..

Actually while I'm on it , who the fuck out there bought that fukin horrible suger babes track ? , nobody I know ( and I know a lot of people ) either bought it or likes it , I asked a group of kids outside a school in West London the same question and they all said virtually the same thing " Na it's shit !! " .. Yet it goes straight in a number one ??? , Methinks that there's some serious pre album chart fixing going on here people ?? ...Fukin shame !!

Cup of tea anyone ?

Monday, October 03, 2005

They came , they saw , they wrapped the place in string ?

Sooo , Last nights event was pretty mad ...

We had some hippy environmental types doing a night in a club central London , I'm not usually keen on these types but these people are the nicest bunch you could hope to meet and the're true professionals at what they do as well ..

They bowl into a venue with whole teams of people and just take it over , extra lighting here , ultraviolets there , they build stuff and they hang stuff and drape stuff and wrap stuff.. Fukin amazing to watch em all , there like a cross between munchkins and building site workers ... The pixyland construction team was here ...When they'd finished the venue looked like a cross between Tron , Santa's grotto and Aladdins fukin cave .. Really cool !!

So they had poetry and shadow puppets and Indian dancing and some amazing African Drumming , and stalls selling hippy stuff and some really cool ambienty chill out DJ's ...

And then , well then the wrapped the whole venue in string ... fukin mad , the place looked like one big fluorescent spiders web in white, pink , blue and green ... Fukin Insane ... Who needs Lasers , just get some high powered UV tubes and a ball of fukin string !!

Top !!

Oh and to top it all off , an ex lover showed up who I hadn't seen in about 5 years which was lovely , she looked hot .. We chatted all night about the past and exchanged numbers etc ... All good !!

The only trouble was that , " What goes up must come down !! " .. We were there till 3 this morning de-rigging an event that finished at around 12 O'clock .. Pain in the fukin arse !!

I cancelled the studio this morning as I'm just too tired .. Not even sure what day It is ?? O fuck it's only fukin Monday ..

Never mind , keep on trucking eh !!

Listening to : Soul wax " Night version " .... Av it !!!

Right , I'm off out to start all over again !!