Ooof , I've been nursing the worst hangover today .. Can't think staight ..
Sooo , I went to see my mate N yesterday afternoon , he was recording flute on some Dub Reggae session in Ladbroke Groove . I arrived sober , I left ... fucked !!
Jeez Louise , those Reggae types can smoke some fukin weed I can tell you ..
High grade Jamaican whateverthefuck !!! Evil weevel ..
Nice studio though .. The owner had the biggest collection of Samurai swords and Martial Arts equipment that I have ever seen in my life ... Umm ... OK !
He gives me this demonstration of a sorta double handed sword thing ( fukin leathal )
" Yeah mate just stand there and don't move " ..
" Err Ok ... I err won't !! "
Swish ... swish ... swish ..
Yes well , very impressive mate. " Can I have my arm back now .. Thanks !! "
Yes , well ... You er wouldn't want to get caught robbing that place mate ... Scary thought .
I rang the man... just so that we could sober up a bit ... Phew !
Yeah well , we left the studio and just sorta drifted around West London via a few boozers ending up in Putney of all places in some pub playing Flemenco ( well sort of ) , at One this morning ( Me on guitar , N on flute , random Spanish girl stomping her feet and generally being loud .. )
That's all I can really remember ?
I think that I got back home at around six in the morning and just sorta stood at the bedroom door waiting for the fukin bed to come around ... It must have arrived : I woke up in it ?
Good job I wasn't working today .. That's all I have to say about that .. Oooof !!
I remember telling somebody to fuck off on the phone , but can't remember who ... Which is really annoying the fuck out of me ..Oh well , nevermind .
We had a right laugh though , which is all good .
Soo , I'm gonna chill out and cook myself some food .. Thai green curry a la me I'm thinking ..
My leg has finally stopped working , er , that would be hurting mate .. For fucks sake !!!
Ok , well , yeah ; My leg has finally stopped hurting .. Nasty scar though , that'll teach you mate .
Oh fuck this , my head hurts to much to write ; I'm fukin rambling on anyway ..
When I first started blogging in April , I wrote this story about this guy who I used to work with up until I lost my parents , read the story ; It just goes to show what dickheads people can be in the music Biz .
Ok , anyway , I'm on the train to work yesterday afternoon and I get a call on my mobile . The following takes place in real time ... Ha !!
P : " It's P , remember we worked together a few years ago on all those adverts and stuff "
Of course I fukin know , but am I letting on... Am I fuck !
Me : " P ... Oh yeah mate , how r u ? "
P : " Yeah .. Fine , I got your number from T , I've been trying to get hold of you for ages "
Now , this could be true coz I frequently change mobile numbers to " Weed out the chaf " as one would say ..
Me : " Oh yeah , what can I do you for ? "
P : " We really need to meet up as I owe you some royalties from all those adds , not a fortune , but not to be sniffed at , or up ! Haw haw , either . " ... Ha , Funny as fuck that joke mate : I pissed myself !!!
Me : " Ok .. let's do lunch and have a chat then mate "
P : " Ok , my P.A's away till Friday but I'll get him to ring you and set a date "
Me : " Ok "
A few formalities followed .... End of conversation .... Click !!
Now , this is interesting .
I'm all one for receiving money that I'd forgotten about ... Actually I remember fine well that he owes me money ... But : Sometimes I'd rather miss a few quid than " Deal with fukin shit that makes yer fukin blood boil " ya know !!
So , I'll go and have dinner and be his best mate for an evening because " I like a bit of fukin sport now and again " it's " really good for the soul " .
I'm just wondering though , " Why the fuck ? After all this time ... No really mate , What the fuck do you fukin want ? "
So , anyway .. I'll go and I'll keep you all posted ...
Ummm .... I'm intrigued
And does my leg still hurt..... Yes it fukin does !
And is it still cold in London .... Yes it fukin is .... Freeeezing cold .
Ummm , Last night was one of those nights I guess ...
Sooo , I gets to the club at about 5 pm and there's this air of misery kicking about , the staff all look like there about to meet impending doom .. In other words fukin miserable .. Sooo I'm like " What the fuck's up with you lot ?"
Staff member " P ( bar manager ) has told us all we can't have a drink anymore after work "
Me : " He's done fukin what ? "
SM : " Yeah nobody can have a drink when we have finished work , it totally sucks mate "
Fukin what ... In all my years of workin clubs , I have never heard anything so tight in all my life . In clubland , after we've all finished work , it is customery for all the staff to sit down , relax , wait for taxis and have a couple of drinks .. But , no , this tight fuck-wad says he's trying to save money , so no more staff drinks ... This to me is fukin ridiculous , staff need to relax after a hectic Friday night otherwise when you get home you can't sleep ...
I go to see the bar manager ...
Me : " Some of the staff are having a joke on about the fact you've said they can't have a drink after work ? "
BM : " No , No , that's it , no one has a drink after work anymore , and I want the taxis hear by 2.45 am ( barely enough time to shut the club , nevermind sit down and relax after what is for some a 16 hour shift ) , I'm sick of people taking the piss after we shut , we're not a big enough venue to be giving the staff free drinks "
Arrr , this is all starting to make sense ....
Me ; " Sorry mate , I disagree , ( we have 2000 people through the door at £10 a pop , each buying on average £20 worth of drinks ; Thats £60,000 av. on a Friday night ?? ) , we're a hugh club .. And staff having drinks after work is compulsory to the trade : not fukin optional ... Happy staff = A happy venue !! "
BM : " No , I'm not having it anymore , besides , I want to be home earlier from now on "
Ahhaa , the real fukin reason .... Oh does didums want to go home early ? , coz if you do mate , your in the wrong fukin business ??
Me : " Ok mate , but your gonna have the most miserable staff in London on your hands "
BM : " Arr fuck em , bunch of stupid kids anyway "
Yeah mate , those " Stupid kids " Just happen to make this clock tick !!
Me : " Suit yourself , your funeral mate "
Tight fuker ... This twat stopped the DJ's having free drinks about a month ago , which I thought was fukin ridiculous and he even put a sign up in the DJ booth which said .. " No Drinking while Working " ... Ha ! , that was duly ripped down and ignored .. This fukin guys going mad in his old age ...
So , yeah , a most unhappy bunch of staff .. He'll learn though as the staff start to leave and it becomes a blacklisted place to work .. Barstaff have little communities and they all talk to each other about the best venues to work etc . So when the word gets out , he's gonna find it harder and harder to recruit ... Fukin Idiot !!
So yeah , a night of moody barstaff followed and a couple of even staff walked out , so now we had moody overworked barstaff...
Not good , not good at all ..
Ok that's number one , number two gets even better ..
This kid decides ( outside of the club ) , that it'll be a bood idea to run out into the road without even looking to see what's coming ..... Blaammm straight into a passing car , body hits the car , head goes through the windscreen ... Ouch !!
Oh , that's gonna hurt in the morning ..
Lucky for him the car was going slowly or he would have been dead on impact ... Double ouch !!
So we all spend the next 20 mins waiting for the ambulance and generally trying to keep this kid alive at the side of the road ..
" What's you name mate , where does it hurt , no , don't try and get up mate " , that sort of thing ..
The ambulance comes and off he goes .... Episode over , mop the blood off the street .. Uggg !!
Ok that's number two and finally number three ..
I decided to jump over the bar to turn the aircon down , but , as I landed my leg caught the dishwasher . The dishwasher then decided that it would be a good idea to rip a 5 inch gash in the side of my shin ... Fukin way ouch !!!
It looks pretty nasty this morning , but not nasty enough to warrant a trip to hospital ..
I showed one of the barstaff and she fainted .... Bless ..
So yeah , bad leg ... Today I hobble ...
What a shit night all round ..
Ok , it's far too cold to do anything today and I'm in to much pain ; so me and little Mistress are gonna stay in my flat and watch a couple of DVDs and eat pizza etc....
Sooo , I get to the venue at about 5pm coz the band wanted to set up early , and I waited and waited and waited and at about 8.30 the band finally decides to fukin stroll in ... Stroll on !!
The doors were supposed to be open at 8 ??
So I go over to them " Ok your a bit ( a fukin bit !! ) late lads so were gonna have to sound check double time here people "
I get a limited responce .. " Errr " and " Grunt " Soo after about another 20 mins nothing is happening , I mean like half the drum kit is assembled but we really need to be going a bit faster than this ... So I go over again ..
" Is somebody gonna do something here or fukin what ? " ... Again a limited responce of " Grunt " , and another ten minutes of nothing , by this time it's 9 pm ; so I go over again ..
" Look lads I'm not been funny , but you've really , really , gonna have to start sorting your fukin shit out here " ... Again this limited responce thing of " Errr !! " and " Grunt !! " ...
I think " Right , fuck this for a game of soldiers " , I take hold of the situation ...
" Right , you Mr Drummer sit hear , you Mr Bass player stand hear , you Mr Guitarist , here ..." etc. etc .
" Ok , Mr Drummer , I want you to start hitting the snare so I can Eq the sound from the FOH ... Ok ? "
No responce ...
I start to lose the plot a bit ...
" It hits the fukin snare with the fukin drum stick or it get the hose again !! "
No responce ..
" Hit the fukin snare with the fukin drum stick !! " , I'm getting fukin angry at this point ...
No responce ..
" Listen pal , hit the fukin snare , before I fukin hit you " ....
" Grunt " ..... Oh , at last , a fukin grunt !!!
" What are you fukin stupid mate , hit the fukin snare , HIT IT !! , what are you fukin deaf ?? "
Drummer " Speaking English I am not ... "
Okeey dookey ....
R ... a problemo . the band no speaking the English .. Oh for fuck sake ...
There fukin French , not just French but rural fukin French .... Oh dear , I mean I can speak French but not well enough to soundcheck a fukin band : there are all sorts of technical phrases I'm unaware of here people ??
Soo , plan B ( It's now 9.25 pm , the venue has a 11.00 pm kurrfew ) , I get on the FOH mic ..
" Does anyone in the venue speak French ? "
This rather sexy young vixen comes over to me , " I can speak ze Franche ( Sic ) .. "
Oh la la ... Ello young madam ..
" Right , you , on stage luv , now ! "
" I speak from up there , you will hear me from these boxes here , you translate to the band thus ... "
" Ok ... Youze speek , I hearze , I translteze , weee " she says ..
" Bingo luv ... bang on , off you trot !! "
So she sorta floats up to the stage ... We may be here some fukin time !!
Anyway , we finally manage to get the band all sound-checked and sounding nice by 10 pm .. Thank fuck ..
So , thank you pretty maiden , you saved me from certain doom .. ( Rescued by a Fair Maiden ....Isn't that supposed to be the other way around ? , never mind ; modern life Eh ... )
Turns out this band are really fukin shit hot musicians , so I totally enjoyed the gig ...
They filled the band room with fukin spliff smoke though ... But that , too me , is not really a problem !!
So band off stage by 11 pm .. Good evening of music , everybody happy ; all good ...
You would think the venue would have told me that the band were French , I'm sure they don't on purpose .. Fuckers ..
Ok , soo , I'm having a day off today and I'm gonna just chill out and clean the flat and listen to some good music , cook some good food etc ...
Sooo , I've got my dates mixed up again , I have another band night tonight and a day in the studio tomorrow and not the other way around .. All good as I was expecting the band night tomorrow to be a late one . For some reason Thurs band nigt always have a late licence where as Wed band nights are seen as mid-week so always finish early , I guess so people will still come out , see a couple of bands and then get home reasonably to go to work the next day ....
Soo last nights bands were excellent , there's some really interesting music going around at the moment . It was another of those " Battle of the bands " Type of nights , so it was completely manic .. A lot of sound engineers won't touch these nights as it involves really being on the ball as you get about 10 mins to change the bands over plus you have no sound checks apart from the first band and you have to be prepared for anything ( From Bagpipes to rappers to rock to dance to hip-hop to folk to whatever ... ) it's all thrown in the pot and you have no idea what's coming up next . I guess a lot of sound engineer/production manager types just can't take the stress ( Or have no idea how to predict for the unseen ) ... Me... I fukin luv it !!!
The promoter fuked up royally last night , turns out that he'd fixed the voting so that a band he was obviously mates with won the event ( and so the recording contract etc... ) , turns out though that this band were completely shit and the rest of the talent was so high that as he announced the results there was a near riot and he got booed off stage , the poor guy got pulled to one side by the sponsors of the event and told to , " Get back on that fucking stage and do it properly or you can wave goodbye to any future work with us mate !!!! " .. Sooo , he returned to the stage ( Tail between his legs ) and called for a proper vote ... In the end the band that I thought won it easily , won it easily ....
Note to promoter : Don't fukin organise a " Battle of the bands night " , just so your fukin mates can win it ... Prick !!
Nice to see the music industry is still up to it's old " You scratch my back and I'll fix everything for you " ways ... Nothing changes eh !!
Music industry inside scams No 1 : Did you realise ( bet you didn't ) that the "Big Five " Major Record Labels , all have teams of children that they send out say 10 free cd's , a couple of posters , a few band autographs etc. each month , and these kids are all on call to text message , email etc. ( on request ) , competitions , phone votes , TV stations , Radio shows , internet sites etc .All in favour of any bands that the record company want's to promote ... It's a huge subliminal chart fixing scam ... It's totally fukin wrong , completely illegal and all it means is that we get force fed the shit that they want us to listen to and that any bands with any real talent are left on the sidelines ... Soooo , next time you listen to a competition that you may have voted for and the results seem strange , now you know ... This doesn't just stop at bands either , your talking Pop Idol , The X-factor , American Idol etc etc etc . All a big fukin fix !!! The kids love it , they just think that there getting free CDs , band autographs , posters , special Birthday cards etc .. Little do they know , but , they've just become pawns in a music machine that is corrupt as fuck !!!
They call them " Strike Teams" , I call em , " Mass Manipulation Scams !! "
" People will like what there told to like " , period . Baa , baa , baa , bunch of fukin mindless sheep !!
Monday again , chilled out with Little Mistress most of the weekend , we got plotted in a local pub on Sat night and then got lagging drunk , rang the dealer , sobered up and then got lagging drunk again . Sun we went for Sunday lunch and then came back to mine and had a shag and then watched a film and ate the fukin hottest chilli con carne I think that I have ever cooked , Ouch , hot shit man !! Brought a tear to the eye that one did I'll tell ya !
Note to self : Don't put so much chilli powder in the fukin chilli next time mate !!
Little Mistress woke me up this morning at about 6 O'clock " Oooo , my tummy hurts from all the chilli !! " Bless..
So , today I have off so I'm just gonna chill and tie up some loose ends . Tomorrows a band night , Wed in the studio , Thurs another band night and then Fri the club ...
Their changing the laws as regards to security on band nights , now you have to have one security per 50 people in a venue ( I think that's right ) which is totally fukin ridiculous , so me and one of the guys I work with J are being sent off to do a club security and conflict avoidance course . We'll then be fully badged up as security when we work in order to save the venue money ... This should be a right laugh as we get to spend 2 days with some ex SAS blokes doing self defence and people management ( Ha , people management , yes well , interesting name . ) ... How fukin cool is that ...
I mean we already have the authority to throw people out of the club ( and we do quite regulary ) but now we'll be licensed and trained to do it properly ... Cool !!
Bring it on !!
Anyway , Check out The Dogtown Clash on myspace . This is a band I produce and mix . There part of a much bigger thing and so prefer to remain anonymous which means I can safely link .... And no , I'm not in the pictures + Their gonna be doin big things next year so watch out ...
Also .... NO NO FUKIN NO !!! , Don't even go there , were not a bunch of fukin barbaric savages in this country thank you very fukin much ... If you sentence somebody to death , As far as I'm concerned you are " Just as much of a killer as the person you are about to kill " Period ... And also ( I'm gonna get shot down for saying this , but ... ) what makes a Policemans life more fukin valuable then anyone else , especially say a childs life .. I really don't get this , never have , never will ... Especially as they know the risks when they sign up ..
Couldn't be bothered with the club last night so I just sat in the back room with a soldering Iron and a drum of cable and made Mic leads all night , V. therapeutic .. Did about twelve in the end but I've burnt my fingers to buggery .. Blagh !! Soldering Irons can get a bit hot and when you miss the cable and end up welding your pinkies it fukin hurts ... Love the smell though ( Of solder that is , not burnt flesh )
So , yeah , somebody set off one of the fire alarms at about one , so we just thought " fuck it " and shut the club early..
So , what's tonight , haven't made my mind up yet . Little Mistress is coming over so I'm sure we'll get into trouble somewhere along the line . Need to tidy up though , my flat looks like a bombs been dropped on it . I'll do that in a mo , just waiting for the coffee to start working ..
It's fukin freezing in London today , I left the milk out last night and was half expecting it to have gone off , but , my kitchen's actually colder than the fukin fridge is ... Buuurrrr , Shiver , Shiver !!
Just looked out of the window and all the cars outside are all frozen up ... Buuuurrrrrr !!!
Think I'll find a cosy pub , just plot up , have a few pints and get royally fukin drunk ... Yep , that'll work for me ...
That was a long week , I don't think next week is quite so busy ... All good ... " Oh fuck " ( He says Looking at his diary ) , it's just as bad , if not worse ... No rest for the wicked eh !!
Buurrrrrr , more coffee ..
Right , I'm gonna attempt the shower ... Buuuurrrrrrr , shiver !!!
Update , 5.30 pm : Ha , gotta blog this before I go back out again ...
Soo , I go to pick up a service wash from the Laundrette but It's not quite ready yet , so , I'm stood outside having a smoke and just thinking to myself when this lady walks past with really short boyish hair and I'm thinking " Gawd , what is it with these birds with fukin short haircuts like boys. She looks like a fukin lesbien or something , yeah , definitely a Lesbien "
Anyway this woman catches my eye and for some reason ( fuck knows why , still can't figure this out ? ) I just blurt it out in front of her " Yeah luv , definitely a Lesbien !! " Now this was supposed to be said in my head but I've just completely fucked it up and said it out loud ... Ouch !!
Her " Excuse meee !!! "
Oh fuck ... Brain in gear mate , get out of this one alive then ...
Me " Errrm over there , a Leslie van ? That's definitely a Leslie van , look it says on the front ???? " ( Finger pointing at van parked across the street )
Her " Oh , I thought you called me a lesbien for a minute there "
Me " Ha , Erm , Yes , well , I don't really think soo , why would I do that ? "
Her " O , I must be going deaf in my old age ! "
Me " Err , probably ! "
I run to the safety of the Laundrette , my cup of coffee and Bernie ( The Irish woman who does my service wash )
Allrighty ... For fuck sake , Please keep your thoughts to yourself in future you fukin moron ....
Last night's " Battle of the bands " thing was fun , there were some really good bands playing and not one tantrum to be had anywhere . Not bad considering that there were like nine bands and so about 50 egos in the same venue at the same time . It all went really smoothly , easy change overs , nothing went wrong , no fights , no spitting of dummies , no explosions , no one electrocuted , no equipment broken , no bones broken , no one was sick , no one got taken to hospital , no one evaporated on stage , no one Spontaneously combusted , no TVs' were catapulted from hotel room windows , no Rolls-Royces were driven into swimming pools and no one ran away in shear fright or weed themselves . There wasn't even any beer spilt on the fukin stage ..
What the fuck is up with these people ?
Call yourselves fukin rock bands ??
Pah ... Pathetic !!
So that was a busy week of bands I can tell ya ..
Tonight it's the club and then that's it , week over ..
Not sure what I'm doing this weekend , going nowhere fukin near a band , that's for sure ..
I've got a sore throat from hell this morning , so I may be coming down with something " Un-rock and rollitis " probably ... Sigh !!
Anyway , whatever I decide to do , I'm sure it'll be fun ..
You know , I may even decide to stay in for once , it's cold and I have my apartment to keep me warm ( Oh and little Mistress ) .... So we'll just see eh !!
Right , again I'm hungry , so I'm off out for lunch ..
Listening to : Iron and Wine " Our Endless Numbered days " , I do like this band , I listen to them a lot .. Some lovely guitar work to be had people and their music is so well recorded that it just brings a smile to my face ..
Oh great , now we can be embarrassed on our own soil. You know , I used to be a huge football fan , but now I really can't be arsed with it . Where as once ( to Me ) it used to be unmissable magic , now it's just commercially exploited crap .. Can't even be bothered to talk about it.. Sorry !! I'll even go as far as to walk away from conversations when my mates start to blather on ...
Beckham ... Idol ... Pleeaaasssee !! Put Westlife and Will Young on the fukin pitch why don't ya !!
" What's up with you mate , you goin soft ? " They say ..
" Sorry lads , it's just lost it's magic " I say ...
My gawd , An English bloke who doesn't talk about the beautiful game ? " Stone the fukin crows !! "
Sooo .. Yeah , Wednesday .. Halfway through the week or is it Thursday , Oh yeah it's Thursday .
Ummm , so last night , yep , models and bands . Pretty cool , got to watch some top models doing the catwalk thing whilst engineering a couple of half decent rock bands . I didn't engineer the headlining band , they had brought their own guy , he looked about sixteen and pretty much fucked the whole thing up , no bass , couldn't hear the guitar , wrong frequencies boosted on the keyboards , that sort of thing , Oh dear !!
My mate J comes up to me halfway through the gig and says , " Go on mate , help him out "
Me " Nope , there's nothing worse J , than being told your fuking it up by another engineer , he can learn the same way the rest if us live engineers did , by getting it wrong "
J " Fair enough I suppose "
Me " Yep tough titty mate , he'll learn though ! " .
Nice kid though , totally out of his depth , but I wish I'd had that sort of gig and equipment to learn on when I was a young whippersnapper .
So what's tonight . oh yeah , more bands , Ummm . In the run up to Christmas I swear it just doesn't stop and then as you get into the silly season it just all goes completely tits up . Not complaining though , all work is good work in the music biz .
I think it's one of those talent comp band night things tonight , always good for a laugh as you get to see all of the " not quite developed yet " new band egos come out of the woodwork , I'll be expecting some tantrums . Last year I was doing the grand final of one of those Rock-idol type events when the guy who came second spat his dummy out ( about coming second and missing that all important recording contract ? ) , anyway , so he spits his dummy ( pacifier ? ) out and then proceded to chase the promoter down the street and kick ten tons of shit out of him !! " I am better than the band that won , everybody knows it , me , me , look everybody , it's all about me !!! " So we all had to jump in and stop the fight , fukin hillarious .. Talk about a bad loser , bloody band egos ....
Ok , so I'm expecting some fun tonight , and if one of the bands doesn't quite cut it on stage , guess who gets the blame ? Yep , little old me ....
Note to all amateur bands : If you fuck it up on stage , Don't blame the fukin sound engineer coz , at the end of the day " I just make you louder , I don't play the fukin instruments for you OK " You doughnuts " ..
Sooo , thanks for the link from The Morning News .org yesterday , I got like 1000 extra visitors from that .. Cool !!
Boing Boing , watch out ...
Just what you need to go with your cornflakes and toast first thing in the morning , me ranting on and fukin swearing and stuff ... Good fukin Morning America !!! , how about a good fukin yarn with your maple syrup ?
Do I swear too much ? Yep , I swear too much !
Sooo , It's freezing cold in London today , so scarfs and jumpers are in order .. Oooof !!!
Hate the winter ... Too bloody cold ..
Right , people too see , things too do ..
And finally this : Police launch most wanted site and it gets 25,000 visits in five minutes .. Lets just hope the British public are about to unite and get rid of the Chav-Scum youth that plagues the streets of this country , those weapon carrying , back-chatting , happy slapping , rowdy bunch of little shits who have no fukin place in our society .. I had to defend a 90 year old man ( Yeah , you read it right , 90 years old ) on the bus the other day coz he asked some youth to turn down the hip-hop playing from his mobile phone ( Oh , your so fukin tough ) .. Yeah , you didn't back-chat me when I picked you up and threw you off the fukin bus did you ? Oh , I'm sorry , did you start crying .. Pussy !! You all talk about respekt ( sic ) ? Then why don't you respect the old people , you know the ones that fought for your freedom in the war etc.
And respekt the identity of the country where you were born , this is not L.A . you are not from Black American Hip Hop culture , your British and you should be proud of it ...
Speak to me only in the Queens proper English innit , dawgs !!
And if you ever tell me that you'll " Put a cap in my ass " as I throw you off the no.52 bus , I swear to gawd I'll ..........
Last nights band night was a big band, yeah literally , a big fukin band . One of those 26 piece all bells and whistles swing affairs and they played Glenn Miller and shit .. Fukin fantastic !! I had the time of my life , bit of a pain to set up , but hey .. Totally worth all of the agro ..
They sounded absolutely fantastic , really warm and curly , a proper swang thang , and I thought I was off to do a couple of rock bands .. Welcome relief I'd call it ...
Anyway , I'm on stage adjusting a mic for the soloists ( These mics are loads louder than the rest so they can make solo saxes , trumpets etc. fly high above the rest of the band . ) The band leader comes up to me ( he's woried about the mic picking up and amplifiing the hid horn section when it shouldn't ) and says " Is that mic gonna be ok , can you switch it on and off between solos ? )
Me " No , don't worry mate , the mic's highly directional so it'll only pick up if you shove an instrument right in front of it "
Him " Errm I'm not really sure about that , I don't want the whole horn section to be really loud you know ? "
Oh , for fucks sake !!
Me " Look if it helps watch this "
So I clap my hands away from the mic ( hardly any sound ) and then in front of the mic ( loads and loads of sound ) .
As I clap my hands in front of the mic , the house lights go down and the whole fukin Audience stands up and starts to applaud ..
The fukin lighting guys asleep Innit !! and he's taken my clapping as a cue to start the concert .. Fukin doughnut !!
So here's little old me with a full audience , right in the spotlight , mid fukin stage , being applauded .. Oh fuck , what to do !!
So I just raise my hands and I'm like " Thanks , Yeah , Thankyou , errr , thanks very much , yeah , nice , love you all , see you next year , thanks again " , For fuck sake .... I exit stage left....
I get on the radio " Put the fukin house lights back up you fukin prick , we aint started yet !!! "
Him " What , ehhh , O yeah , right , will do "
Jeez louise , you just can't get the fukin staff anymore !!
Sooo , after that minor fukin hitch ( I kinda enjoyed the attention ) , we get underway and the concert runs really smoothly , all good ...
So yeah , that was a lot of fun , a lot of fun indeedy .
So today I've been back in the studio finishing last weeks mix , all finished , all approved , all good , and tomorrow night is a fashion show with a couple of bands who are playing live as the models do the catwalk thing .. Yea , fit birds ( no brains though ) and rock music ... Errrmmm Ok , that'll do .
Haven't eaten yet so I'm going for a pint and a Thai Curry .. Yum Yum .
O yeah I wasn't at the Cross Nightclub the other night I was at the Key nightclub seemingly , who fukin knows eh !!
Listening to Madge : Confessions on a dancefloor , errmmm : I'm thinking what to write about this , I'll come back to it after my curry ....... A starter ... " How fukin dare you sample the Bells from Pink Floyds " Time " Jacque la fukin Cunt ??? you're not fukin worthy "
Update : After a long deliberation , I've decided not to say what I really think of this album apart from the fact that A. It samples ABBA and B. It sounds like somebody threw up a million quid on a mixing desk . The Madonna bits OK but she's just singing on it aint she , the rest is just a missmash of trance music ( which I hate ) and the odd Donna Summer ( I feel love ) Moroder rip off . And there's like far to much fukin top end on it , talk about brickwall mastering !!
( That's the sound of me coming back down to earth with a big bang !! )
Sooo , what a weekend then eh !! B's party was absolutely mad , saw everyone , got fukin pickled , chatted up the lovely's , had a booogie , got more pickled , had conversations about life the universe and everything wih some strange dude I've never met before although he said he's known me for years ( that keeps fukin happening ? , more on that later ) and then had a boogie some more ..
Halfway through all of this , S ( B's brother ) got himself thrown out of the party , which was a pain in the arse as he was seemingly holding the afterparty !! Soo , It gets to two in the morning and we're all outside thinking " Where now ? " . I start chatting to my mate C ( Dance magazine editor journo type who I also make tunes with ) and he's like " we're going to *** " , it's not that I'm not telling it's just that I can't remember where he said he was going ? Sooo free-spirited little ole me jumps in the cab and off we go , where it stops nobody knows !!!
We arrive at some club in Kings Cross and off we go again ( The Cross I think it was ?? ) , I managed to lose C due to my heightened state of fuckedness , so I just hit the dancefloor and boogied away all night long ... Wooohooo !!
I left the Cross ( I think it was the Cross ?? ) at about six or seven in the morning , battled off the insistent dodgy looking minicab drivers " No I don't want a lift to hellville in your pile of shit excuse for a car thanks !!! " And took myself for a walk across London eventually finding an open Tube station . After falling onto/into a tube train , I made my way home , finished off the drugs , watched an episode of some Jamie Oliver thing in 3D ( wasn't supposed to be 3D but Hey ! it looked that way ) and stumbled into bed at about 10 am ... Ooooo !!!
Sooo , Saturday was completely written off and Sunday was just Sunday , took myself for lunch , read the Sunday Papers etc. etc.
And now I have returned to tell the tale of battles won and fair maidens looked at !!!
This week is busy busy , three band nights .... Mon ( O shit that's tonight ? ) , Wed , Thurs .. Friday it's the club and Tues a day in the home studio !!
Right , I'm starving so I'm going for lunch ..
Ta ra !
O yeah before I go .. I was talking to some girl the other week at a party ( very pretty little thing ) and I said to her " So what's your name then ? " perfectly good question I thought ..
And she says " What did you just say ? "
Me " Sooo , what's your name then ? "
Her " You are kidding aren't you ? "
Me " Errr noooo , It's only a question , you don't have to answer , I won't hold it against you "
Her " I've been in your life for like eight years and you don't even know my fucking name !!!! "
Me " Errrr noooo , I guess I've never noticed you before babe "
Beeep , Wrong answer me , do not pass GO , do not collect fuckin anything , go straight to the doghouse without a bone !!
Me " You must have changed your hair or something ? "
Her " Just Fuck off !!! "
Woops a daisy , there she goes , not a happy bunny , big fuckin oil spill in the ole bird sanctuary of life then Eh . Park that bus on a knife edge , chuck the keys out of the window and shoot the fukin driver won't you mate ...
" Anyone else while I'm here , Nooo , I'll get my coat then "
And I still don't know her fukin name ?
Why don't I think that that was the end of that little situation ?
Just finished a two day mix in the studio which we're well happy with , I like this working from home shit it's fukin greeeaaatt !!
I woke up about 5am the other morning with an idea of how to get from the second verse to the middle eight on the mix we're doing ( which we were sort of in a jam about what to do ) , I jumped out of bed , booted up Logic Audio ( The Music Prog we run ) fixed the offending bit and then went back to bed .. How fukin cool is that !!!
Sooo , yesterday , woke up early , worked on the tune , went for breakfast , worked on the tune some more , did my laundry , worked on the tune , went to the doctors ( I've got really dry skin on my hands from coiling up all of those beer soaked cables after fukin gigs !! ) , worked on the tune , had some dinner , worked on the tune , watched fukin Lost , worked on the tune ... By the time E turned up at 2 pm , The fukin thing was nearly finished so went through what I'd done , made a few changes and I was in the pub by six .. I'm fukin totally loving this work from home shit . All good !!!
So today I'm gonna work at the the club till 11pm and then I'm off to my mate B's birthday bash which will be complete fukin carnage !! B knows fukin everyone and everyone knows B so it'll be fukin great to see all , I had a ring round to see who was coming last night and it was a case of " Is there anyone who's not fukin going then ?? " I like B he's like the charisma fukin kid !! I've toured the world with this guy and there's some funny fukin stories I can tell you , enough for about eight fukin Blogs with room to spare ..
Sooo , yeah .. A fun weekend ahead I guess ...
OK , I'm hungry so I'm off out for Lunch ..
Have a nice weekend all , and don't do anything I wouldn't do ... Well actually !!
I take a break from work about an hout ago and go down to the local supermarket for some shopping . Anyway I'm kinda stoned so I potter around doing my shop thing .. I arrive at the checkout and the woman starts to ring all of my shopping through the till , as one does !!
Ok .. Sooo I start to bag all my shopping and there's this kid next to me who's still got his bags on the end of the till and I'm thinking " come on mate , get your shit out of the fukin way some of us haven't got all day you know "
This kid's just looking at me and sorta smiling , so I'm getting A. paranoid ( I'm stoned remember ) and B. fukin angry cos he aint moved his stuff yet ?? , so I keep bagging all the stuff up and I'm thinking " Bloody ell mate , you've bought some fukin strange stuff here avent you ? " .
This kid's still fukin staring at me and I'm starting to get really pissed at him now .. So fuck this I say to him " Yeah ... Fukin problem mate " and he says " No mate I'm just enjoying the VIP treatment ", So I'm like " What fukin VIP treatment would that be then mate ? " And he says " You mate , packing all my bags !! " .. " What ? " , I look back up the line and he's fukin right .. This kid has bought virtually ( apart from one or two items ) the same groceries that I have , and I'm packing his fukin bags for him ..
You fukin doughnut !!
Well me and him and the bird on the till all burst out laughing at the same time ..
For fucks sake !!!
I just look at him and murmer the first thing that comes into my head ... " Cunt !!! "
Note to self : Don't get fukin stoned and go to the supermarket ... Idiot !!
Sooo , I was up until 5am trying to author a DVD for a mate , Never done it before so new territory for me ... Cracked it though ..
Apple DVD pro 4 + shake + Final cut pro + Compressor if anyones interested .. Try learning that little lot in one night .. Did it though !!
Conclusion : Authoring DVD's is a pain in the arse !!
I was trying to get two 50min + Music bits of video onto one disk . No easy task especially as it takes about three hours to compress the fukin video and if you get the settings wrong ( remember I was blind here people ) you have to start it all again ?? Sooo after last night I've got a fair understanding of the video formats of the world .. For fucks sake !!
Sooo , One DVD of two 50min bits of footage + Audio + title sequence + fades + menus = 18 hours of work ... Arrrghhh !!
And on my day off ??
Oh well at least it will be faster next time ....
Sooo , I have a band night tonight and I really can't remember which band night it is , nevermind I guess I'll just turn up and do it .. I'm hoping it's an easy one so I'm not gonna call in and find out it's like on till 4 in the morning ... If I'm lucky it'll be an 11 0'clock finish and I can be back home by 12.30 ... Hope so ??
So tomorrow I'm back at my home studio with my mate E ( just back from a summer in Ibiza ) remixing a band in the start of our winter of remixing decent bands for major projects ... We take well known bands and make em suitable for the dance floor for major labels .. That way the majors ( Sony , EMI , Warners etc. etc.) can keep all their angles covered as regards to sales ...
Good work as you get to put your own slant on some of the UK's top selling artists .. It's a lot of fun as you get to listen to just how badly some of these people can sing , play , get pissed in the studio etc. especially when your hearing them raw .... I never said B--- sometimes goes out of tune , did I , No !! I wouldn't say that , never in a million years !! Ooops , hold it right there , get the Autotune plug-in out somebody , that's it , all fukin fixed , there you go .. All happy mate !!
So yeah a full winters worth of top work , all good , all good indeedy !!
Ok , So I'm off out for some lunch and then I'm going to the gym and then I'm gonna go see what tonight has in store for me ?
Listening too : Depeche Mode " Playing the Angel " ... What can I say , Depeche mode ... I'm not worthy ... Great album , couldn't be anything else really !!
Et en conclusion, vous naughty naughty people de la France. to bed avec vous et aucun supper . Le spanky spanky pour vous !!!... le peuple de l'Angleterre se feel pour vous terriblement... Pas !!!
And also also : Record company's are turning record profits and paying the Artists less and less royalties so go fuck yourself's.. When you all pay me the fukin fortune I'm still owed from the 1990's ( enough to buy a new fukin house and then some ) then I'll consider not fukin downloading ... Greedy bastards !!
Sooo , Monday morning then eh !! , I'm sat here with a bacon sandwich , cup of coffee and it's bloody lovely outside ..All sunny and stuff ..
So , today I'm gonna do bugger all , maybe a bit of food shopping if I can be arsed ... Little Mistress left early this morning to go to work and I slept in a couple of hours ... We went for drinks Sat night after the fireworks and then me , Little Mistress my mate T and a couple of others gate-crashed a party upstairs in one of the local bars ... We walked straight in on an ABBA cover band doing Dancing Queen , Errr yeah fukin great !!! I don't mind a bit of ABBA but I draw the line at watching an ABBA cover band , not really my idea of fun , at all !! But we stuck it out and it was kinda interesting I suppose ???
I wonder what it's like to be touring as an ABBA cover band ... Very rock n roll ... Not !! I guess it's a job though eh ..
Sooo , after the entertainment from hell , we all went back to my mate T's house and got munted , Little Mistress was dancing round the room and I got lumbered with this strange women talking complete shit at me , wonderfull , just what the doctor ordered .. She kept on saying " You've never lived as much as me , I've been through so much pain and suffering " ..
Oookeeydoookeyy !!! , No love your right , I've never lived and my life has been a complete fukin breeze so far , what the fuck do you know about my life ? I can't stand people who sit there feeling sorry for themselves assuming their the only people on the planet who've ever had anything go fukin wrong in their life's ... It's a bit pathetic mate , really !! Just stop living in the past mate ....
I used to live with a flatmate who used to go on like that all the time and it drove me up the fukin wall .. He used to go on about the fukin day when the landlord came round and stole ( err like fukin removed kid ) all of his stuff including his sisters kids toys from the flat , the poor kids had nothing to play with ... Mate , you did it to yourself I'm afraid , it was your own fukin fault so stop fukin wingeing about it ...
Note to ex flatmate C : In order for bad stuff not to happen with a landlord ... Try paying the fukin rent once in a while you fukin doughnut !!!!! , Landlords only come and take all your stuff away because , " you not paying the rent is fuking their lifes up !! " , Gawd where the fuck do these people get off blaming everybody else apart from themselves for their own fukin actions .... It's pathetic !! The world does not owe you a favour , you carve your own life and if you hack too hard and it gets a bit out of shape , it's up to you to put it right , no one else.... OK !! I do understand that there are exceptions to this rule , but generally in this case if you don't pay the rent , bad stuff will eventually happen so don't complain when it does ...
So anyway I digress , Sooo , Oh yeah , this womans ranting was putting me in a really bad fukin mood , luckily T has a studio in his loft so I fucked off upstairs and made a tune ... Then I scraped it coz it was shit and I was too fucked to be bothered but it did get me out the way of silly mad women for a couple of hours ... All good !!
So me and little Mistress slept at T's on Sat night and then on Sun went to the pub and dowsed ourself's in Bloody Marys to take the edge off ... We arrived back at my house at around six last night , ordered pizza and cuddled up in bed watching TV ... Nice !!
So then , What's in store this week ? , Tues's a band night , Wed and Thurs a private client in the studio and then Fri the club ( although I'm gonna finish early and go to my mate B's birthday bash .. Not too hectic a week really ...All good !!
Ok , I'm gonna go for a walk and then do some food shopping ..
Tonight in England is Bonfire night where we have fireworks and light bonfires and burn stuff to celebrate the uncovering of Guy Fawkes and his gunpowder plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament and kill the King ( A bit daft really mate !! ) it all failed miserably and resulted in him being torchered for a few days and then Hung drawn and Quartered which is a little unpleasent for those concerned and not the sort of thing you want on your life C.V. ( try getting a heavenly job with that smear then eh !! ) although probably good post afternoon teatime TV in it's day .... Also it does make you infamous if you get through it .... But also kinda dead .... But hey you can't have it all eh !!
Soooo , Guy Fawkes : Bloke who tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament , fluffed it , got catched , suffered ... Big Time !!!
Soooo , Me and little Mistress are gonna burn stuff and set off fireworks and shit ... Wooohoo !!!
All good , No work till Tues night for me ... Sooo this is the start of my four day mini-break ... Hooorahh !!!!
Anyway I'm going shopping to buy stuff !!!
Listening too : Kate Bush " Aerial " again ... Still loving it Kate .... Top Album kid ..
Eating : A bacon sandwich from the cafe across the road , Yum Yum !!!
Smoking : A huge redseal spliff .... Yeah man , feelin groovy !!
Sooo ... Another good band night last night , the headlining band were a bunch of Nineteen year olds who are currently riding high in the British charts ... Good , yeah ... U2 potential ...errr.. No !!
U2's political message at 19 = Sunday bloody Sunday
Theirs = Why don't you all go home and fuck your parents ??? Ummm , interesting !!
Decent bunch of lads though , hope you all do well ... You made me feel fukin old though ... O well !!
So yeah , the gig ... Full of sixteen year old , full of press ( The Sun , Daily Mail , NME , News of the world , Karang , fukin everyone ) ... In fact there was so much press that at one point I was trying to get on the stage to fix a dodgy keyboard DI box and literally couldn't get there so had to leave it , didn't even have to turn the strobe light on coz the flash guns were doing the job for me ... Fukin wish I was nineteen again !!
Soooo , good gig , except for one thing ... Their fukin tour manager ..
Early doors he says to me : " I usually engineer this band but I heard you sound checking the last band , so if you want to do it , you can engineer them "
Me : " Errr Ok mate no problem "
Note to him : " If you want me too engineer your band , then let me get on with the fukin job please cunty face "
Gawwwd talk about back seat fukin engineer , the guy kept running into the soundbooth and fiddling with the fukin mixing desk .. He kept un-doing whatever I was doing and when say a vocal would start to feed back , the twat would run away and leave me to sort it out .. What a fukin idiot .. I knew that the guy didn't have a fukin clue because he was boosting completely the wrong fukin frequencies on shit .. After a few years of doing my job you sort of know what will work and what won't , when your just starting out it's all a bit of pot luck and experimentation, this guy was all about the fukin experimentation stage I can tell ya .. Rubbbish engineer ..
At one point I says to him " listen mate , can you please stop fukin fiddling .. It sounds fantastic and then you come and fuck it all up "
Him " I'm just changing eq's for different songs "
Me : " Mate , thats totally totally fukin unnescesary kid ... Just fukin leave it .... ALONE !! "
Arrrrggghhh ... Fukin amateur night at the apollo ..
Anyway , halfway through the gig , one of the press photographers from a well know music tech mag comes up to me and says " Would you mind if I take your picture from behing the mixing desk mate "
Me " No problem mate "
Fukin amateur boy clocks this and just as I'm about to be photographed he jumps in ( like a child would have ) and pushes me out of the way to steal the fukin limelight ... What a fukin doughnut , first class twat !!!
On any other night I would have lost the plot with this guy but I'm thinking whatever mate ... What-fukin-ever !!! , the press guy came back when matey boy dissapeared anyway and did some more shots "
" Who the fuck was that " he says ..
" Tour manager " I reply
" Oh ... nice guy " ..
" Yep ....complete arsehole if you ask me "
" Yep !!! "
So yeah , apart from that a good night was had by all ..
I'm in a lot of pain this morning though as I decided to buy some milk from a garage on the way home and miscalculated a two foot high brick wall ... Thwack , flat on my face , big chunk out of my shin , grazed elbow , skin off my hands and a big lump on my forehead .. Oooopsydaisy ... there it goes ... Fukin stupid place to put a wall anyway ??
So yeah .. Pain , ouch !!
Club tonight , joy of joys !!!
I hungry so I'm off out for Lunch ...
Listening to Robbie Williams " Intensive care " ... Shite Robbie , complete fukin shite , try working with that bloke who wrote all the decent songs for you again mate .. Err Guy Chambers I think you call him , you must remember him Robs , he's the one that made you a multimillionaire and stuff , I've got his number if you need it Robbie mate ( and you really really fukin do kid ) Oh and get somebody who knows how to put a bit of bollocks into a mix mate because I think my speakers have just turned anemic and thrown up luv , no further comment really !!!
I got sorta roped into doing the sound for this huge Greek celabration thing in central London , celebrating what , I don't know .. Greek people will celebrate getting a new gas fire if given half the chance ... Anyway , an easy night for me , a couple of singers , one guitar , a drum machine and a ballilika . easy peezy stuff ...
Sooo , nice people , good food , interesting music , beautiful women ( it's a pity that greek women all explode and turn into the Michelin man by the age of 35 but... when young , fit !! ) ..
Soo I'm having a lovely night perousing the talent , listening to the music , eating the food etc ... everybody happy , all good ..
Sooo , I'm doing my thing when all of a sudden the bigga boss runs over to me ...
" Right , that's it " He says , " the music stops by eleven " . It's was supposed to be on till 1 am ???
Me : " Why ? "
Him : " Take a look around , they've all brought their own booze , I've taken fuking £10 on the till "
I look around and low and behold he's dead fukin right , there's like a thousand bottles of wine and not one of them is the brand that the bar sells .... OMG !!
Sooo, It gets to Eleven and the bar closes and all the staff disappear like a bunch of cockroaches in a lightbulb factory ..
Ok , I get the picture .. Muggins here is going to be the one to turn off the sound system , put on all the house lights and become a target range when all hell brakes loose because " we're not ready to go home just yet thanks " , Fine , o fukin yeah , I know what side of the fence I'm standing on tonight ... Bastards !!!
So , I mute all of the music on the mixing desk and approach the stage .. The crowd still thinks it's just the end of another song till .... Well till I turn on the house lights and then they get the picture ... Ouch !!
I can see the bar staff all hiding behind the bar and laughing at me as all hell brakes loose ... Bastards !!!
Of course I'm to blame as the drinks start flying ( In my fukin direction ) ... Thank gawd for plastic glasses is all that I can say !!
So I make it back to the sound booth and lock the fukin door ( Hidding behind pillars and generally doing the stealth thing along the way ) , I sit down , crack open a bottle of Becks and sorta hide beneath the mixing desk ... I was there for 45 mins as the place erupted .. These people just did not want to go fukin home , at all !!
Ok so I'm sat there thinking that I'm gonna be here all fukin night .. Fuck that , I can catch the last tube home here if I'm clever ..
So I put my little brain in gear ...
Most mixing desks have a test oscillator , A test oscillator is a built in sound generator that emits a sound wave at the touch of a button ( A 1Khz sine wave if your interested ) it's used to set up the sound system and check the alignment of speakers etc , it's like a constant high pitched tone which is really really not pleasent to the ears , at all ( in fact it will drive you mad if you leave it on too long coz you can't think and nobody can hear a damn thing your saying ) 1Khz is roundabout the middle frequency of human conversation ...
Right you fuckers !!
Ear plugs in , headphones on , rig up full blast , I press the oscillator button ...
Sooo , Today I've been working in the studio with my mate B , He offered to swap my an amp he doesn't use and I wanted for a day of my time , so we had a nice relaxed day and got shitloads of work done .. Mad how when your not getting paid how the pressure drops off !!
Anyway , I signed off on an album the other day and I've just plugged this amp into my monitors and it's like Fuck !! I'm gonna have to mix this album again .. The sound is fukin astonishing but I suppose my other amp was getting on for a ten year old ... The difference is just not funny !!!
All good ..
Also , I bought a new pair of speakers the other week and emailed the manufacturers to tell them how pleased I was with the sound quality .. They are a new type of speaker so I was a bit worried at first on ordering them , but when I got em home and plugged em in , I think that it took about an hour to wipe the fukin smile off my face .. Soo I emailed the designers and told them just that .. Anyway I gets home tonight and the guy's left me an email ..
" Thanks for your kind words on our new product , can we use your name , what bands you mix and your comments in our new brouchure and on our website and we will chuck you another pair for free and give you any of our other product half price till christmas "
Errr ... Fuch yeah !!!
Soooo , fuck me ... All good , all good indeedy ...
More new speakers ... I'm gonna use em for my fukin TV ... Ha !!
Top day ..
Sooo , I'm doing bands Tomorrow and Thursday .. Tomorrows band is an easy one so I'll set them up and have a little drink-up I'm thinking ....
Right , I'm hungry so I'm off out for dinner .
Listening too : Kate Bush " Aerial " , This album is fukin awesome in the first degree .. She may be getting on , but she still sounds amazing .. I would kill to use her voice on a production ...fukin KILL !!!
Anyone has any desire to produce a record , listen to this one and take a leaf out of the " How it should be fukin done " school of record production .. It has everything a great record should have .. Top songwriting , beautiful mixing , a theme , a concept , well placed sound fx , very origional fukin ideas and even the four minutes of silence at the end for a bit of reflection and also to stop the next album coming on too quickly .. They really don't make em like this anymore ( well actually they just did !! )
Record of the year , no fukin competition ... In fact production wise name me a better one from this year ... I bet you can't !!