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Thursday, November 23, 2006

DJ Freebar and the night it all went horribly tits up!!

Sooo, last night, funny.

I'd been called in to the venue to run this club night as the promoter/DJ had insisted on a sound enginneer being there. Turns out he needed somebody to show him how to use the DJ mixer?? If you can't work the mixer out mate, you really shouldn't be even attempting a DJ career. Poor fukin show if you ask me??

Ok, soo within ten minutes of being there, I'm kinda done, but this guy wants me to stay in case anything goes wrong, fair enough, if you want to pay me to do fuck all, who am I to complain! Late license though 3am, and it's only 9.30 and I'm bored already, but, again, I'm getting paid soooo.....

I kick back and watch the night unfold.

This promoter (French guy) has had the bright idea of charging £15 on the door and then having a free bar. He's advertised it this way as well "Free bar all night"


Donno about you lot, but I can sink £15 worth of booze in like, an hour, eezy peezy!

His estimation of the night is 250 people at £15 per head with £900 behind the bar = £3750 - £900 - £150 for sound engineer = £2700 profit for me... Woohoo!


My estimation: You'll be tits up in the red by 12:30 mate. Fact!

Soooo 10:45pm 150 people at the bar all who've paid £15 per head, all ordering triple whateverthefucks and all basically clamoring for drinks like a bunch of cats on speed in a catnip factory.

We send down more bar staff, he sends them back up (Theory: less staff, less drinks get served), we send em back down, he sends em back up again (theory: we're generally having a laugh with you mate). This continues for about an hour. The chain reaction/comedy sketch is becoming fukin hillarious in the extreme to watch from the sidelines.

The bar manager knows what's going on and he's rubbing his hands at the profit margins and loving every fukin minute.

The promoter and his sidekick have turned into Mr and Mrs Panicbot and Shittypants and then some.

Fucking classic.

He comes upstairs to find out what can be done?

"Err nothing mate, your gonna have to put more money behind the bar"

"But can you at least give me a discount?"

"A discount, what's one of those, this is a business son, not a bloody charity !!" (little titter)

1:00 pm and we have 200 people in the venue, 6 bar staff serving (to keep up with demand ), 1 (turning slowly sick green) promoter, his (slowly turning less sick green) sidekick and me and the bar manager pissing ourselves laughing.

The promoter tries to shut the night early, the punters go mad, the night restarts with a free beer only clause built in.

Pissed punters can still sink a lot of free beer though, you don't just need spirits to pass out!

If this guy was playing roulette, he'd have been asked to leave the game an hour ago due to lack of credit and piss poor performance at the table.

My estimation: 1 person x £25 worth of booze x 200 people -£150 for the sound engineer = Shit the bed, it's all going horribly pair shaped at the booze sanitorium!!!

2 pm and the promoter has stopped the free bar, cut his losses and fucked off home with his tail betwwen his legs.

Nevermind mate, you can always borrow £20 from the bar manager for a new pair of pants!

The rest of the crowd are having the time of their lives, and couldn't give a fuck about the bar not being free anymore coz "I'm sooo pissed I can't even see the damn thing!!"

Magic: the guestimate promotion game.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time?"

Well I'm sure the invasion of Poland in the second world war seemed like a good idea at the time as well mate.



Right, I'm out the door


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A right Royale treat!

Sooo, I watched Casino Royale last night. What a fukin film eh! Proper old school, and in the days when there's nothing really special about Hollywood special effects anymore, it was a breath of fresh air and a far cry from the verging on hideous last three films filled with watches that turn into helicopters, heat seeking underpants, invisible fukin cars and microwave sat beam tranducer death ray key-ring thingies!

What the fuck was that about?

I mean, come on! This is Bond for fuck sakes!!

I've always been a James Bond fan for as long as I remember and I used to love the playground banter the night after watching a new 007 film, it was kinda like: "Corrr!! did you see the bit when he got..." and "Yeah Yeah and when he fell in the....!"

O happy days!

But...just when you're getting sick to death of the recent Hollywoodish treatment of your childhood hero, along comes 'Adult Bond', new and improved and ruthless as fuck!

Go on, get some!

You can always tell people by their eyes, and Daniel Craig just has it nailed in the 'could'nt give a fuck till you mess with me' stakes.

And he has feelings too, what a result!


For all those who critisised the acting choice; you can all choke on humble pie as far as I'm concerned, you were all wrong as fuck.

Top, although I did think the house blowing up bit was a bit of a slide, and a bit unnecessary really, but I suppose you gotta spend the money on something eh?

Keep it real Pinewood, we like it that way!

I guess it would have been nice to have seen a Tarantino/Brosnan Casino Royale, and at the time I thought it would have been a superb combination and a stupid lost chance, but I really ain't complaining now.

Best Bond since a long shot

Did I mention I liked the film?

Now...if we can only get the film producers to make some of those 70's coldwar type Spy movies again , I'll be a happy bunny.

More psychology, less exploding underwear please.

Right, back to work


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Monday, November 20, 2006

Curry worry!

Sooo, after an afternoon of getting pissed in the pub with a few of the locals yesterday, I decided to do what every good British person will eventually do at one point in their life, I stumbled into the local curry house for "Prawn Madras, pilau rice and one of those keemery naan bread thingies please!"

Good idea?


I now feel like curry death!

My kitchen worktop is stained pink from the bit that fell out of the carton and my stomach feels like i've been eating squash ball washed down with a bit of industrial peroxide bleach, and to top it all off the house stinks of sodding curry and it's making me feel even worse. I won't even mention the trip to the toilet. I'm really trying to forget about that particular event thanks.

Why the fuck do I do this too myself?

Note to the government: Curry should be labeled a class A drug, fuck all the other shit, that stuffs way bad!

I was finishing a mix with my mate B this morning and...

Noise + hangover + curry = Not good!


Ok, on a better note, I think me and Sweedy are good again. We kinda made up with the glorious power of the text message as I looked into the bottom of a beer glass and felt pretty damn sorry for myself down the pub. I've also sent her a "I'm sorry for being a complete tosser prick numpty idiot" card and a CD with Damien Rice "The animals are gone" on it. Not sure if she has it yet, but I'm hoping it'll prove to be a decent enough puncture repair kit.

Not really that big on flowers. Maybe I should learn to be.

Oh dear, I'm going soft in my old age!

What else, oh yeah! This is the most stupid thing I've heard in a long time: "MySpace sued by Universal Music??" I mean come on.... what the fuck is that about? What's wrong Mr Universal, somebody got a better business model than you have.

Spitting our dummies out of the pram are we?


Your bikes got a shinny bell on it and gears and a saddle bag and flowers on the frame and stuff. Right, I'm not having any of that; chuck it off the hill!

Fukin idiots!

I hate the majors, they're just sooo full of shit.

Why don't you all just sue yourselves for being a bunch of mentally defective meatheads!

Get used to it Universal, it's a brave new digital world out there, and just coz you're not invited it doesn't mean it ain't gonna stop turning...

Mwwwaaaaaaa! (baby crying sound!!)

Oh well!

Right, I think I'm gonna be curry sick



Friday, November 17, 2006


Sooo, Fri and I'm back from my travels.

Had a bit of a bust up with Sweedy girl so I'm feeling pretty fukin upset to tell you the truth, what can you say, my bad, although not entirely my fault! Repairable, I don't know? Sad? Yeah sad as fuck!

Anyway, apart from that, me and S had some great venue meetings and sorted a lot of shit out, so it's all looking pretty good in that department. Next step, we'll hire a large sound system and install it in the venue space for a couple of days and run some reference music full blast through it to:

A. know what we're dealing with acoustically and what we're gonna need in the way of acoustic treatments and,

B. make sure that it can't be heard half a mile down the road, and if it can, what we'll need to fix the problem. Absolutely no point in building a venue only to find that Jo Bloggs sodding pussy cat can't get his cat nap because of the bass making the pans fall off his kitchen wall!!

So yeah, we'll install a tempory sound system for a couple of days and go from there.

All good though, we're looking to build around the start of next year. The logistics involved are a bit of a mare though, but doable all the same. I took my bloody camera down there and forgot to take any pics?


On another plus note, the label is about to turn it's first profit, and because of the relatively low costs involved, it'll hopefully stay in profit and we ain't even released any albums or compilations yet. So after two years of pretty hard work, we're getting there. Next years gonna be a big-un , I can feel it coming.

Now if I can only sort my bloody love life out!

Right, I have a club to run sooo


Monday, November 13, 2006

Eco-nomy trip!

Sooo, Monday. I did sod all over the weekend, just hung out at my place, knocked up a Myspace site for a friend of mine, cooked a huge Steak Sat night and sausage and leek casserole last night, drank lots of wine, had no drugs and basically did fuck all.

So why do I feel like shit this morning?


I'm off out of London for a few days to size up this new live venue with the guy who'll be helping me with the Build, my mate S. We're gonna have a good chat with the architect and go over a lot of stuff that I'm sure none of the others have even considered, such as pre electrical installation work, hanging points (for speaker cabs), acoustic work (this is being built in a steel clad warehouse [see large biscuit tin] after all.) And the use of an overall project manager for roll out points in the build.

There's even talk of trying to make the venue eco friendly, coz you can get huge grants from shell oil seemingly, if you can make it an eco friendly business (tell that to the students). No ideas on that one, feel free to comment below if you can think of any, coz it's baffling my little brain. I suppose you could always install solar panels? Total winner for a venue that's only open in the evening?? Suppose it'll only add say £2-3 million to the cost? Orrrr, how about, errr windmill power, Yeah that'll do it, " Sorry lads, can you come back next Tues, it's not breezy enough and the beer pumps have conked out!"


Guess we could always grow cress on the roof if all else fails??

So yeah, any suggestions are most welcome at this point.

Anyway, I'm out of town for a few days, meeting up with Sweedy gwirl at some point as well for dinner which should be nice. Bless!

OK...I'm doing sod all again today, maybe pull up a couple of mixes at some point, do my washing, bake a cake, whateverthefuck. I Still hate the Monday working thing, so I just don't do it anymore.

Right, couple of links , cup o' tea.

Funny, can be applied to the Eatern European immigrant prob here as well.

Ponder stuff


Mad as a fish!


Saturday, November 11, 2006

Being boring!

Sooo, Sat... The club wasn't as busy as it has been the last few months, which, to be honest, was a bit of a relief, coz I could actually walk about without the perpetual fear of people lobbing drinks over me and then me going home smelling like a fukin brewery. Oh the glamour! All the staff are having a party tonight, but I'm decided I'm not gonna go, coz it would mean getting fucked up, and there's a whole side of me that those kids have never seen, and I kinda intend to keep it that way. So I think I'll give it a miss and just stay in and cook food.

For those of you out there who are thinking: "The title of this blog doesn't really match the contents anymore Mr cokehead?" I'll put you straight: Yes I go out, yes I get fucked up, yes I party till I drop, but writing about the fact that I necked two grams of coke last night and now I can't get out of bed, and when I do get out I don't know what time it is, bores the shit out of me! I know I do it, you lot don't really need to! A mate of mine pointed out the fact that he thought this blog would be a lot more sleezy? It is! I just keep it in the wings!! I don't really need to be reminded of the inherent Jeckle and Hyde qualities of my life. I'm a 'can do' person, who quite often can't do anything!

Workin on it though!

Now you know!

Ok, Sweedy girl has gone home, and I could really do with her company today. Boo! As she's just put it in a text to me (not five minutes ago): "Please cook me something nice, wish I could b with you, bottle of wine and food in our underwear would be so very lovely x"

Oh yeah, would it ever!


Sooo, weekend in, nothing to do, all day to do it!

Smile cups

Daft pics



Weeblelake? I so wish this was longer.

Right food shopping


Thursday, November 09, 2006

In bed!

Thank fuck for that!

I'm still in bed with Sweedy girl, and apart from a small break to attend my mate S's birthday drinks last night we've been here for two days!

No rest for the wicked

Nuff said


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Monday, November 06, 2006

Get off my mix you twat!!

Sooo, back from my trip to Germany with the band, ok gig really, the band had trouble hearing themselves (seperate on-stage monitor desk, nothing to do with me ) and I had trouble from 1. the fukin dickhead in-house sound engineer who thought he could jump all over my mix when I wasn't watching?? I nearly jumped all over him at one fukin point!!! Every time I turned it up, he'd turn it down again?? And at one point he was trying to re-eq a guitar that was actually on the backing track... Fukin fool!I wouldn't care, but the band on before us (that he'd enginneered) sounded totally pony. I hate people like this, they get my back right up, it's just fukin rude to jump on somebody else's mix, even if you do think you can do a better job, I heard many many live mixes of bands that I've thought I could do a much better job of, but I would never dream of interfering...ever! Bloody Germans.


2. The sound system was one of these new compact line array systems, which are basically lots and lots of little speakers hung in rows angled at various intervals to give better audience coverage, bit like in this pic. Personally I think they are ok for acoustic stuff, but for anything that needs a bit of welly, I just don't think they cut the mustard. You can tell me all you want that 100 10inch mini bass speakers on the floor sound just as good as they huge bins I'm used to, but you can also tell that to the girl sitting on them all the way through the gig chatting to her mate? Usually (with the big bins) she'd have been throwing up cocktail all over her pretty little dress, just from the vibrations?? Go figure!

Nope, not impressed with that technology at all, it could have sounded way better, never mind!

What else? Oh yes, airport security... It's a complete fukin joke!

And I mean a complete fukin joke!

Sooo, we arrived at the airport at like 4.30 in the morning to get a 7.20 flight and once we got through the security checks, we had about 15mins left before we boarded the plane, fukin absolutely crazy!! One of the guys in the band had his wash kit confiscated?? I mean what's he gonna do? Groom the fukin pilot to death! I even saw one 80 year old woman having to give up her prescription cream? What the fuck is going on in this country!! Proper fukin joke. I was ok coz I'd put my bag in the hold and therefore had no hand luggage but they still took my bloody lighter from me, which is made all the more stupid coz I just went and bought another one in the friggin duty free shop??

If that's what the airport security is like at 6.30 in the morning, I'd hate to think what it's like at fukin midday!! There was even a woman screaming coz her flight had taken off while she'd been queuing to be searched...what the fuck is that about? Total joke, and then some! On the way back from Germany it took about 5 mins, so why the fuck are we having to put up with this shit in England!! Not good Tony Blair, not good at all!

Although they are about to change liquid laws so you can take 100ml bottles onto the plane with you, which is nice, apart from the fact that nothing actually comes in fukin 100ml bottles??


I'm having the day off to recharge my batteries and then I'm doing a couple of bands in Central London tomorrow night. Sweedey girls coming to stay for a couple of days as well this week, so I'm gonna have a naughty day fooling around in bed with her at some point...woohoo! All good.

Ok, I think I need a cup of tea.


Friday, November 03, 2006

A fuking antenna?

Ok, sooo this is interesting, I received my new passport the other day and it's one of these new biometric jobs to stop us all being terrorised by Allaaaaaaah and his bunch of stupid delusional followers (yeah, right, whateverthefuck! ) Anyway I chucked it in the draw and left all the other bumf on my coffee table to read later (as one does). I'm cooking my dinner, and I decide to sit down and read this bunch of leaflets and up pops the passport shit. New biometric Passport Essential information blagh blagh blagh! I starts to speed read this stuff, and I'm scanning the leaflet when the word antenna shoots out at me like a dayglo submarine surfacing in the North Pole in the middle of a pre 1970's cold war convention??? new fukin passport contains an antenna?

A fukin antenna????

Def: Antenna 1.a conductor by which electromagnetic waves are sent out or received, consisting commonly of a wire or set of wires; aerial.

Why the fuck does my new biometric passport contain a fukin antenna??

Either it's trying to pick up the Archers on Radio 4, or my increasingly nebby government has built into the passport, the abiblity to track my fukin movements!

I'm guessing the latter??

What the fuck...leave me alone, and please tell my why my right to anonymity is slowly slipping down the cellar wall and into the pool of stagnant beer on the sodding floor??

It says, don't immerse in water.

I just fukin may!

My mate T has this all frequency's radio scanner thing (including microwave) and I'm going round to his house to find out just exactly what it is that this fukin thing can actually send or recieve?

Utter fukin madness

What next, invasive travelcards? Oh yeah, we all ready have them, they're called Oyster cards!

Sodding nanny state!

Sometimes I hate this country and the especially the USA for dumping this shit on me?

Update: Ok upon returning from my mates house and his scanner, turns out that this is an RFID chip and antenna, yeah basically it can track me wherever I go, and my mate T say that although it's unlikely (you think) this technology can be used to listen in on it's surroundings completely passively (without [the need for] batteries)..

What the fuck!

And no, I'm not paranoid...Should I be??

See here!

What gives eh?

Ok I'm off to Germany for the weekend with a band..


Here's a great comp of some of cyriaks short animations, these things pop up all over the web and I guess have gained a little bit of a cult following.