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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Cocaine ..

Sooo , So maybe it's time to talk about the real issue of this blog , after all it is titled Diary of a London Cokehead !!

So here we go , Cocaine .. The fukin lowdown ..

This is what happens to an addict , to me ..

So I'm drawn to cocaine twice sometimes three times a week , not a great deal compared to some , but enough .

I don't really have much say in the matter !

It used to be a lot more but I've managed to whittle it down to an amount I can deal with and still lead a semi-ordinary life ( as far as my life goes anyway ) ..

It's all a bit Jeckle and Hyde which incedentally was written on cocaine by a cokehead ( Robert Louis Stevenson ) , it was written on a six day bender and that's fukin hardcore even by my standards ...

So , the cravings kick in without notice , you feel the demons taking over , the addiction grabs hold and you either try and fight it or prepare yourself for the inevitable ..

I prefer to prepare ( which means seeing the man before the event ) ..

You can feel yourself start to get excited , it's kind of a strange madness as your body knows what's coming and that's all it will let you think about ( The Mr Hyde bit .)

The addictions not quite as powerfull as tobacco , but tobacco doesn't alter your state of mind quite like cocaine .

So i'll go to the pub , neck about three pints and only then will I let myself have a line ..

Then BAM !! , the world starts to get real shiny ..Fukin real shiny ..

You go from being slightly pissed to completely sober in 45 secs ...

You feel it surge thru your body like nitros oxide thru a fukin car engine ..

Then you can be anyone you want to be , you can drink and drink and drink like a motherfuker ..

At this point most people start talking shit but I prefere to just sit back and watch the madness unfold .

I also have the ability to listen which most cokeheads throw right out of the fukin window ..

Listen , observe and assimilate all the shit that's going on around you ..

I've been doing it long enough to avoid the classic pitfalls i.e. Telling your life story to somebody who doesn't give a fuck , Telling your most intimate secrets to the world , Thinking that your gods gift to women , Making a complete pratt of yourself and the cardinal sin of them all..... Thinking that your the coolest thing since sliced fukin bread ...

All to often I've seen people becoming ( including myself ) ... Fucking unbearable in the extreme ..

If you can avoid all of that shit , and you pick the right company you can have some fantastic nights out ..

If not , then you'll lose all your friends and sink into deep fukin depression alone .

You have to do it in a way so as not to let anyone know your doing it ..

Otherwise you get labelled as a cokehead which is what you actually are but hey that's just circumstantial ...

And don't live in fukin denial ...

You are a drug addict so deal with it but don't be act like a fukin Junkie ..

None of this probably makes any sense to you , but it does to me and this is my fukin private therapy session and not fukin yours !!

So the night out ends and if you've played your cards right it'll have been a good one , you'll have done some business , made some friends , pulled a new girl , whatever ..

You go home , no damage done ..

If not then it's only your own fault ..

Anyway the next day is usually a bad hangover , and that's it really ...

The day after that is normal , and the one after that ..

Then , well then for me it all starts again ..

The golden rules for me are :
  1. Don't do too much in one go .
  2. Never do cocaine in a work enviroment .
  3. Give myself at least two days off after a bender .
  4. Always eat well .
  5. Still go to the gym .
  6. Make sure that your on top of cocaine and cocaine is not on top of you .
  7. Don't feel fukin sorry for yourself the day after doing it .
  8. Never feed anyone else's habit .
  9. Never give your wrap to any one else unless you can watch exactly what they are doing . ( otherwise you will find that they've done the lot !! )
  10. Make sure that your not running round with white powder all over your face ( a dead giveaway ) ..

Sad .... Not really , people will get addicted to anything , the gym , gardening , pain killers , TV , anti-depressents , music , alchohol , sunbathing , collecting stamps , solvents , cigarettes , coffee , boats , cars , fishing , fashion , shopping , quizzzes , crosswords , slot machines , horse racing , blackjack etc etc ... anything ... It all the fukin same , just in a different form ..

Although to them it's not addiction ?

Now that's denial ...

If been out with girls who get severly depressed when they haven't been shopping for two weeks ? , retail therapy , healthy addiction .... you tell me ?

Or one time ( at band camp !! , No no no ) .. Yeah fukin one time some ex of mine punched me in the car coz I wouldn't drive her straight home to watch fukin Eastenders ( TV soap ) , now you tell me that's not a mad fukin drug craving ?

For me personally it's Cocaine ..

Actually cocaine is far less depressing than Eastenders but that's another fukin story ...

I'll stop one day , I have a strong enough mind .

But for now , well I get to see shit like you wouldn't believe and have a shit load of fun at the same fukin time !!

Who fukin knows .....

It's all part of the lifestyle ..

It'll kill me though... I know this

Ummm !!

34 Comments:

Blogger velvetbabe said...

thank you for making me laugh today!
it was the title of your blog!

take care o'youself!

seriously
I laughed till I cried & today has not been a very good day for me, so thank you

xxoo
valentine bonnaire
www.velvetbabe.com

1:43 am  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

dude.

you made my fucking palms sweat and suddenly i had to shit.

where'sthatfuckingphone?

3:49 am  
Anonymous tricia said...

I'm kind of addicted to TV.

I've done the drug thing before, but it never really stuck. Back in my university days, I could have had that same relationship with Shrooms... mmmm... I still think fondly of them, but I haven't had a true can't-get-over-it-craving for them in a long time.

I guess someday you'll just grow out of it, probably whenever you're ready. You seem to still have your head in a good place though. So keep writing and making me chuckle...

OK enough cheese!

4:13 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm as mentioned before, at least you do have your head screwed on, albeit, maybe a tad skew (",). I think its good to have rules and "boundaries" as such, cos how the hell else do you stop yourself going off the bend?

Anyways, in the interest of your post, i thought id mention an addiction of mine that you didnt list. Getting my nails done. I even have a budget allowance... and pace myself throughout the month so as not to run out of the cash before month-end.
So yeah, stop bloody asking me if im the one doing my nails. cos try as i mite im going to lie to you, and keep paying other people to do it for me... hoping like hell youre not going to walk past the salon. Silly huh? But thats just me, so im fukin dealing with it. And next week, im going to another salon - im tired of the "oh, its you again" look.



scarlet

7:48 am  
Blogger LeeLoreya said...

yeah true everyone is addicted to something, only way to feel alive somehow, it gives you power and "specificity" even though you're the dependent one.

9:13 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yeah true , I think it's all part of the evolutionary process ..

11:23 am  
Blogger LTNA said...

"I also have the ability to listen which most cokeheads throw right out of the fukin window .."

So true. You pretty much nailed the whole routine. Good job.

10:32 pm  
Blogger velvetbabe said...

ps: I came back today just to tell you that i think you are a fab writer! I was laughing because of the writing--not easy to do humour, you know?

anyway,

xxoo!

vb

(doubleplus oscar wilde!)
present tense

another fav englishman:
George Orwell for "1984"

(i also linked you into my blog links because in the writer's group i'm in there are tons! of english people! (other writers)-- so they will be seeing you! live!)

xxoo!
me

all of you, be careful, k?
if you ride on the tube
i love london, was there once a long time ago---
picadilly circus and portabello road

the one that made me really laugh was the accident with the fish and chips and the recording equip.

FAB writing!
(i was almost rolling on the floor)
so thank you.......!

from an american

11:02 pm  
Blogger velvetbabe said...

ps: I came back today just to tell you that i think you are a fab writer! I was laughing because of the writing--not easy to do humour, you know?

anyway,

xxoo!

vb

(doubleplus oscar wilde!)
present tense

another fav englishman:
George Orwell for "1984"

(i also linked you into my blog links because in the writer's group i'm in there are tons! of english people! (other writers)-- so they will be seeing you! live!)

xxoo!
me

all of you, be careful, k?
if you ride on the tube
i love london, was there once a long time ago---
picadilly circus and portabello road

the one that made me really laugh was the accident with the fish and chips and the recording equip.

FAB writing!
(i was almost rolling on the floor)
so thank you.......!

from an american

11:05 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Wow , thanks velvet babe !! , don't hang on my every word though ( whatever the fuck that means ) ..

whats under that hat then dear ?

11:35 pm  
Blogger johnny six fingers said...

well, I love coke with a vengence unparalled. I must say we would either have a really great time getting high or we'd never hang out at all. Given your location i'll take the latter. And you are correct, coke benders are not for the faint of heart. Now crack benders, that shits for real. My personal favorite thing to have happen is after you've been doing coke every day for about a week straight and then your nose starts to bleed after the first line. It's not like real blood though, it's more like a mucus blood, it gets all over your friends bill or straw and is highly embarassing, it is also the meter for when you know you have been doing to much cocaine for to many consecutive days. tah-tah.

2:43 am  
Anonymous valentine aka velvetbabe said...

me wee brain, but seriously, i need your help re the roots of punk music in London over on my blogspot!

pleeeeeezzzeeee!

xxoo!

dis be me!
http://www.valentinebonnairelit.blogspot.com

oi,oi,oi! --look for the picture of the hand making a peace sign fellow druid!

actually, i am going to tell a fellow editor about you-- gary russell (from uk)
damn you two should meet!
(as writers)

he is almost as droll as you are, LC.

& sorry mate, i didn't mean to leave two identical posts!

10:53 pm  
Blogger velvetbabe said...

i'm very glad you stopped by with that info!

i've known some cokeheads in my day -- usually having to do with the music biz
but, you have your head on straight & it passes one day-- that picture of the poet, he was and incredible cokehead in his 20's o my god, most artists are some kind of addict, LC for various reasons-- unforch mine tends to cigarettes...fuckin' rumdum habit.....

anyway you are doubleplus smart & streetsmart & so it pays to have a cokehead around for questions about things, especially londonish things

re what you said about no music coming in, like Bjork--for you to work with-- to me it seems just like the time when disco happened & then punk raged in with a force?

music is so unoriginal right now?--just a bunch of sampling and electronic beat?
face it? what has been "new" in the last 15 years? there was all the angst of Nirvana and then? techno dribble but not original like Ultravox or?

it's up to you to change all that & somehow i know you will!

last 2 cd's i bought were Jet & Louis XIV but the songs I liked are one hit wonders in a way?

I used to love "Caviar" a few years ago?
but they are gone i guess?

dunno,

anyway, signing off a friend in SoCal, not to far north of LA

xxoo!
me!

ps--loved what you said about your mum & the russian girl too, for a cokehead you are tres ethical, but most artists are!

3:15 am  
Blogger kryptic_kytten said...

Fucking wonderful blog, seriously. I'd say you've gotten your addiction under control(as much as possible anyway, and it still be considered an addiction) You should publish a book on how to be addicted to coke, I know some people who could really use it. I knew one guy who had been using coke for 15 years, and he was sick of being addicted, so he started using methamphetamines instead(go figure) It might be a therapy session for you, but it's entertainment to me, sure hope you don't go to rehab anytime soon, I like reading your blog.

7:35 am  
Blogger Jessica said...

This is a very honest and interesting post.

My husband was a coke addict for a long time, but has been clean and sober for about 14 years now. He lost his license and went to jail and stole a lot and curbed people. His sister commited suicide (shot herself) because cocaine took over her life and she lost everything she had, which was a lot! She was wealthy.

My best friend's brother started doing coke w/his wife who was an addict. Their eyes were always bugged out at parties and they often forgot to wipe their white powdery noses. They always talked too fast and too much. He became so addicted that he did it nonstop and began smoking and shooting =snorting. After about two years of this he got MS--and then his wife left him. Now he pisses his own bed and shits his pants and forgets to chew his food. He cannot work. (He used to be physically fit biker and construction worker) The Doctors told him that cocaine can cause Multiple Sclerosis (like the comdian Richard Prior has, too from Coke)

Now he will get progressively worse and die from this disease. He is in his thirties and behaves like a senile 100 year old man. It's so sad.

There are many vices in life. You're right about that, but there are healthy vices, which I call hobbies. They are good distractions that provide comfort. Things like exercise and cooking healthy food and playing sports and games--moderation is key. Being creative in most artistic forms is also a great high.

I hope that you will keep it light and get healthy.

Take care of yourself!

Cool blog!

3:08 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Can't corelate the link between Ms and cocaine ..

Can you refer me to source ?

For my own future reference ..

Thanks ...

11:24 pm  
Blogger SemiKim said...

Ah, yes yes yes. Well done. Especially on pointing out that the 'I am a coke-addled dickhead' is actually an amateur mistake & not part of the fun at all,

7:21 pm  
Anonymous VRS_yeUKyo said...

Hey dont act as if u were the only one on that stage baby, i think we all get it, if not, we wouldnt be sitting here reading ur posts!

Keep it up, its good to read ur stuff when its almost 8 in the morning and u still havent slept and u have class at 1.

(and still 1g 2 go)

12:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

obviously a contagious subject judging by your posts....any way real world calling : I went to my pub tonight had a few bottles of vino its a bank holiday weekend, so I sampled some coccaine which had been purchased for the duration of the weekend.... im in a regular suburb of regular england. I have a decent job etc.
Its like this...........here we go.
I eat my greens im not an alki, I deffinately am a part timer, and i go to the gym. getting drunk is fun but on a bank holiday weekend us 30's get bored. Drugs do not rule my life I think of lots of things ;and really having to think about coke simply because its illeagal annoys me. So there is Smoking, Drinking, not excercising, having a high colestrol. all of the above cost the nhs more money ETC. At the end of the day its your body, and u decide, but i would take a balanced view that a bit of what you fancy now and again dont kill.
Just be aware that u cant live like ronnie wood or is that maddona on a macro biotic diet or whatever it isnt

12:59 am  
Blogger bertymac said...

So I'm an addict..since about a month ago..i take it up to 5 times a week..it makles me come alive n forget all my inhabitions if thats how u spel that.I'm 19 n its what i think of when i wake up n when i go to sleep.What can i do to get off it or to replace it?any suggestions please help

8:11 pm  
Anonymous old at 27 said...

youre fucked! jk. I'm 27 and have been doing coke since I was 20. I remember my first line. I traded some pot I was selling for a G. I did my first gag off of the top of my TV. It was a love love relationship for the next 5 years. The last 2, I've been trying to kick, but I find it hard when I drink so much and need to come back to 'sober'. It really works, thats the problem. I don't know how bad my body has been damaged, but I know if I relax with it it will never go away, I must quit all together, but this is just me. I used to do coke 3-4 days a week in my early 20's then it was down to once a weekend, and now I only get mixed up once a month or so. As for the depression the next day, it sucks. As for not running you mouth when all jacked up... can't do it... lost alot of friends just like you said. I don't recommend this path for anyone. All the wasted days being hungover from coke. and all the wasted nights that last from 2am until noon the next day with absolutely no point. I like it, at least I did, I don't anymore, I hate it. But thats just me.

Good blog though, I enjoyed it. Youre right on.

4:02 am  
Blogger UKPhoenix said...

liking the blog v much - i have my own addictions which are also listed on here!! so im with you all the way!!

4:03 pm  
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2:30 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you have facebook?

1:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you have facebook?

1:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoops, did not mean to post that twice, i do not think i have posted a msg on a blog before :S

this one is quite interesting though

1:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cocaine is evil shit - the way from the farm to the line is lined with dead bodies.
My mate killed himself because he got into crack.

4:09 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I live in Mexico and 40,000 people have been killed here in the past 4 years during the drug war, peoples heads cut off, women and children murdered and whole cities destroyed so that the flow of cocaine to the US and Europe goes on interrupted, so that some coke head can have his fix bodies are pilling up in mass graves...

Give that some thought the next time you go on a 3 day bender...

12:42 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if anyone wants pure coke call me on
07853267091
CODY

11:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

true in part family around a coke head theyre llike a teenager thinks things sees things not there verbally mentally abusive towards partner doesnt think hes a problem high as a kite all happy talking nonstop pacing for hours up and down 100 oercent parnoid pulss things out of every cupboar looking for things in their parnoia state no one can sleep out constantly doing god knows what cheating hes got a lovely partner 4 kids wrecked their lives leaves her binges and probably cheats so so sorry months down line takes the coke head back accuses her of being unfaithful swears its all her fault unbelieievable behaviour blames his child hood weve all had bad bad child hoods in one way or another coke heads selfish excuse of a human being try and live with them see their behavviour and the effect they have they think life is a party what about the kids no sympathy prefers coke to the well being of his children like my husband says as much use as a chocolate tea pot give him a bad mix an finish it itll happen some day paying benefit nowadays for druggies and al you can all sit and laugh the day of alondon druggie dont think youre funny the descrution you leave in your path not nice gross when you dont want to stop you dont have a problem people take medication you and this take drugs to get a high you never will get again grow up and face the world bet you cant sad little drugg addicts

12:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can seriously relate to this.
I'm now using daily, started 7 years ago after the split with my girlfriend. Strangest thing is, I used to be a pisshead, now im not. 2 pints in pub max, as alcohol just doesnt give me a buzz anymore. I also gave up smoking as I couldnt afford fags and coke. Some days I feel mentally weak and useless, I also feel like a criminal as what I am doing is illegal, but you know what? I have a good job, I dont mess with people, I'm not a drunk and I can currently afford it. Its also top shelf stuff, not cut to fuck.. I am however paying £90.00 a G.
The only downside as I said is guilt, maybe one day I'll grow out of it.
I've just read back through this before I post it and guess what? I've just recognised that I'm justifying my drug use, as I mentioned I stopped smoking and hardly drink. But who doesnt? Do drinkers and smokers not justify their habits..? My only beef with coke is pure supply.. I am wise enough to heat test it and occasionally test it in other ways. A novice could EASILY be putting far more dangerous things than coke up their nose without realising it. I often feel quite alone as I dont advertise my "habit", if anyone would like to chat / discuss / debate the subject, I am open. Just please do not judge me, as I am a half decent guy just trying to make his way through life and have a little fun on the journey.. Thanks for reading.

10:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi I am 20 and I only really do cocaine about 1-2 days a week (ONLY) I don't know if that's much or not but to me I feel that is to much. It's not that I can't afford it as I have a good job but I would like to stop. The problem I have is the thought of going out without it just seems stupid because I know I will have a shit time just drinking as I have done this a few times (other drugs I find to intense to be seen).Drinking alone makes me angry and I do stupid things but I don't really remember it where as with coke I wake up and have a serious feeling of embarrassment even though I know people where enjoying m company and thinking I was a great laugh but I still have that feeling. I am also turning my friends into coke heads as I can get the best coke anyone gets, people have a line and immediately they want the number for the guy which I think doesn't help me, think I am a bad coke addict because I see there buzzing there face and I know however much I do I won't get that feeling an these are coke heads that get shit cocaine. In the end I'm just saying I don't regret doing my first line because of the fun I've had but I would tell people not to do it obviously after I tell them how much fun it can be (don't like hypocrites) I am only writing this because it's 8 in the morning doing cocaine I brought for the weekend and thought id do a tester, now I've done half of a gram and told myself each line will be the last. If nothing makes sense on this comment that is why.

Anyway great blog mate has made me realise I've either have to do it your way in control or not at all and the sad fact is the only way I can is to not go out for quite awhile and see my mates who I got onto coke which makes me feel like a cunt but they also have boundaries.

OK coke rant over

Ps do you find knowing you have a line left is better than the feeling of actually doing it ?

8:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made a lot a lot of sense to me but in a good way it made me think I feel like I'm in an industry that I really like but everyone does it I don't feel like I need to escape but just maybe control it more how do I do this when every friend wants to get on it?

3:53 am  
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