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Friday, March 31, 2006

365 days later.

It's official, this Blog is 1yrs old today..

Yep, that was a year in my Life in living colour . It seems like ages since I started writing this blog and I must admit looking back it's been one hell of a year..

Have I learned anything by actually doing this? Well I guess I've learned that if you write your shit down, your less likely to spurt out stuff you didn't want to say in public. Also getting it all off my chest and onto theses pages makes dealing with stuff in the 'real world' just a little bit easier.. If you write it down and it rears up in a conversation, you have enough ammunition to fight your corner and then some.

Oh, and I've also discovered the almost narcissistic blogging condition of becoming a complete "Statwhore" (if you don't know don't fukin ask!!)

But all in all, it makes me feel better and that's gotta count for something..

Sooo, what's new? Got a nice phone call this morning. I've been doing production for this indie record label for a couple years now. A lot of it has been for free (sometimes it's best to work that way as it can pay big time in the long term), we all kinda scratch each others backs, I do this, they do that etc. etc. etc. I also put a couple of my own acts through the label. This label has just landed a new distribution deal and is slowly building itself into a very cool uber-underground label. Most of the product is still released on vinyl (Vinyl you say? What the fuck is that?) for all the club DJ's who refuse to give this format up, good for them I say but it's also a bit of a logistical nightmare format to be honest. So yeah, to cut a long story... I get a call from the label this morning, they've had a staff meeting and have come to the decision that coz I do a lot of the production work and stuffs gonna shift up a gear " We've decided to cut you a percentage of the label" Soo, all good, all very good indeedy..

I part-own a record label... Cool!!

I kinda needed something like that to happen, it sorta maps out were your life's going next, plus it's a huge motivator to stack some time into the label and you kinda grow as it grows..

How much time, I don't know... I'm a bit busy at the mo, so we'll just have to see.

And..It's about time too. As you probably know, every household in the UK by law has to purchase a TV licence so the BBC can give us ad-free TV. This would be kinda acceptable if ( apart from the world class news ) it actually dropped in some decent content now and again.
Basically were all paying for a bunch of arrogant, fat arsed, clueless, middle-class twats to keep them and their little back-garden shed hobby alive..It's the law, so we have to do it (seemingly!!).

Anyway so what's the point of all this Mr Cokehead? Well, because I've done quite a bit of work for the BBC over the years and I know first-hand how much money they flitter and basically flush down the toilet ( BBC Christmas department parties seriously take the piss with our money), I decided to sit down and work out just how fukin much they do get. When you do the maths (sic) you realise it's a fukin joke for what is basically (let's get this in perspective now) a company for making light entertainment programmes.

Ok so here we go ( this is just for England and not the whole of the UK )

The Londoncokehead BBC budget analysis for 2006 101:

Ok, sooo 21million households in England x £131.50/head = (get this, it's a corker!!)

£2,761,500,000/year ???

That's nearly 3 billion (American billion) fukin quid?

And I'm sure if you rake in the additional revenue it goes way past that figure.

That's like 7.5 million pounds a fukin day...for 95% bollocks content...

As you Americans like to say: Go fukin figure!!

That's more than an awfull lot of small countries GDP..


Soo can you ( the BBC ) stop putting shit on our TV's and give us more programmes like Planet Earth , it's not like your not ( I know...leave it !!) already being fukin paid through the nose for them ( And I mean that literally coz there's an awfull lot of cokeheads work for the BBC, I've been to your parties Auntie Beeb, talk about half of Columbia being left on the back seat of the toilet! ) You could always take a leaf out of the American book on how to make good TV, coz their shit rules compared to our rubbish drama progs..

So yeah...


I rest my case..

And I thought It was me that had sleep problems.

Right, stuff to do.


Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sleep, a foreign concept?

I'm suffering from a nasty batch of Insomnia. Does it come in batches? I don't know, what the fuck !!

Anyway I'm suffering, It's kinda driving me nuts!! Sooo , third night with like 2 hours sleep a night, not good, feel like I've done fukin acid or something.

Soo, can I even be arsed to type? Guess I can muster the effort , for a while!!

I was in the studio yesterday with my mate B, well I say mate, the guys a complete good for nothing waste of time TWAT!! Ha only kidding B (he reads this blog) Yo B... Ya still a twat though...

I digress..

So, yeah In the studio with my mate B, then we went for dinner at Wagamamas, which, would have been nice apart from the maggot in the fukin beans trauma? I guess maggot's gotta eat too !! Then I stopped off for a couple of pints, then went home to bed, and I tossed and turned, turned and tossed till like 7 this morning... Woke up at fukin 10:30.

I'm not kidding, I feel fukin wasted?

And, I have shit to do!!

I guess I better go back to fukin bed and look at the ceiling some more then eh ?

Fukin insomnia??


I could ring the dealer, but that's a disaster just waiting to happen!!

On a positive note, I have a track on the new Ben Stiller movie, which is nice..

You know what? fuck this I'm just too fukin tired to write..


Soo, I wrote the day off, went back to bed and finally managed to get some fukin sleep..

I feel a damn site better I can tell ya!!

Yeah, Ok... This ipod volume shit is just fukin unbelievable? I mean what kind of pussyfied society are we living in when you can file lawsuit's to entertainment companies coz their little white boxes are 2 fukin loud?

Turn the fukin thing down then!!

I mean what's next, suing a belt manufacturer coz somebody you knew fukin hung themselves with one of it's products??

As somebody once said in the comment section of this very blog:

Saying "I lost my hearing because of an iPod" is like saying "I lost my license because I bought a Ferrari"

Well said that man!!

So, I guess little Johnny Bottomfeeder can sleep soundly at night knowing that tomorrow he may be taking a walk down the street and get his fukin head blown off by a bunch of terrorists coz of his stupid Governments actions: But at least he won't be going deaf from his ipod anytime soon?

Please tell me that it's not just me that thinks the world we live has gone completely fukin bonkers!!



Off the clock

Loop-soup land!!

Finally: This is crap, sort it out!!


Monday, March 27, 2006

Monday's child is long in face (sic)

Soo, after much deliberation in my own little fucked up head and the fact that I've gone completely fukin loopy, I've split up with Little Mistress..

I'm kinda gutted but I think it's for the best. She was becoming frustrated with the fact that we only got to see each other once a week coz of the differences in the way I work ( through the night ) and the way she works ( through the day ), which only really left us the weekend and I work Friday night at the club and also if I wanted to go out on Sat night it meant we didn't get to see each other for a couple of weeks. She was becoming unhappy, I was getting pissed off coz I was making her unhappy and it was becoming tense between us, so I broke it off...

Hopefully she'll go find somebody who can give her what she wants, which she more than deserves..

As far as splits go, it was all very amicable, no cross words, no tantrums, no slaging, no text message bombardment, no fukn death threats, just a " We had a nice time though didn't we? " , "Yes babe, we had a lovely time.", come to think of it, I don't think one cross word was exchanged between us for the whole duration of the relationship. Maybe I'm finally starting to grow the fuck up?

We've decided to remain friends, but I'm gonna leave her alone for a couple of month's at her request, so I guess that's that..

I'm gonna miss her little ass around here, she was fun, and I'll miss having someone to cook dinner for, but as I said before, I think it's for the best..

I'm sad!!

Today I have a day off so I'm just gonna go food shopping etc. and tomorrow it's all go again in the studio, so luckily I won't have much time to think about shit, but as for the rest of the day I think a bit of retail therapy, a nice meal and a good film will do the trick...



Friday, March 24, 2006

Lost and the (Post Lennon) Supermarket Pox Lottery?

Friday's Random 'Stairway to Nowhere' Pic (there's a song title in that, right there!!) . It's art you know, No! Really it is , my mate said!!

This is fukin brilliant. Ok sooo there's always been this urban myth floating around about my mate Gerald finding a John Lennon painting then selling it at Sotherby's and going to California with the profits to "expand the concept of dance music in his own mind". The urban myth then concludes that he appeared on the national lottery TV show to explain his story before dropping acid and then throwing himself on the floor while drawing the national lottery balls, all live on British TV. Although I've heard this story many times, I never quite believed it (you know how that shit gets exaggerated right). But here it is in living colour...Top, and it really is fukin true. Sooo watch towards the end of the video as you see him pushing the button to drop the balls, pause it and watch again as he well... drops a tab of acid and chucks himself on the fukin floor... Well done that man, you are a star mate!!

The proof .. Cheers J at CityHifi for finding and posting this fukin gem...

And...Stupidity of the day: Women in Waitrose this morning (buying toothpaste) with her kid screaming and coughing it's guts up and blatantly suffering from a bad case of Chickenpox??? Some people just don't have the fukin sense they were born with !! Oh great eh, why not just spread it around all the old people and pregnant mothers that just happen to be doing their shopping in the morning? And don't give me the "once the spots have appeared it's not infectious anymore " coz that's just rubbish and you know it. Bet she drives a fukin SUV as well. What a fukin doughnut!!

Also...Anyone checked out I guarantee that you won't find another internet site with as much waste of time useless shit on the web as this one seems to contain (well apart from this blog of course!!). I had no idea that people like these actually existed out there... Umm!! Is this what Darwin was talking about then?

Also I'm gonna have a moan about Lost, I'm on S2E16. It can't just be me that thinks this TV show is going down the pan? The last 7 or 8 episodes have shown us absolutely nothing apart from the same fukin regurgitated shitty plot lines over and over with different characters at the centre? I'll try not to elaborate coz I'd hate to be be a spoiler (a spoiler of exactly what I don't know, but a spoiler anyway). It really is going in circles and saying absolutely fukin nothing. The first series I was completely glued, but now I'm finding myself having to watch an episode in like three sittings just to get through the damn thing. Tell me it gets better (well actually you can't but just tell me anyway..)

Ok Anything else I need to rant about.. No, Ok then I better go eat some lunch then make my way down to the club..


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Roll out the big rigs

Random deserted tube pic of the day (don't ask, I was pissed when I took it!!)

I'm having a bit of a lazy one this week. I'm off to the venue a bit later on to do a bit of light reprogramming but apart from that I'm just chillin coz I feel a little burnt out at the mo to tell you the truth.

Next week is all go again though with a couple of band nights, a couple of days in the studio (one at my place and one at my mate B's studio) and the club, so all fun I'm sure..

The sun is actually shining on good ole Londontown this morning so I think I'll take myself for a walk and gradually make my way to the venue.. We're still trying to get the budgets sorted for our new sound system, but I'm expecting it be installed towards the start of the summer (by me of course) although I may have to get a professional rigging team to fly the cabs from the roof coz as much as I luv being in control of everything, I'm not gonna risk death from a couple of 150kg speakers coming down on my head... Thanks!!

I'm looking forward to the club in the summer as this year we've decided to manage and promote it all in-house after last years disastrous promoter who basically ran off with all the fukin money, but not this year.. Nope , this year we all get a piece of the pie. You never now, I may even get around to taking a fukin holiday, it's been like five years now and the thought of sitting by a pool drinking beer and doing nothing is becoming more and more appealing.. Gotta get rid of this studio tan you know!!

My mate S is organising this big summer festival and has asked me to take care of the FOH engineering duties for the bands which should be a laugh, gawd knows how many bands we're talking about but I'm a trooper and I love a challenge so I'm definitely up for that one..

That's kinda mad, as I'm writing about it, he's just called me to confirm!! Sooo 15th and 16th of July yours truly gets to manage a full fukin festival main stage.. That's gonna be such a laugh.. Yeh, I rule !!

That's fukin cheered me up...

Funny as, I was watching The E-ring last night (S1E12) , an American TV show about the Pentagon and Special Ops and I just had to laugh when it came to it's very own interpretation of good old 'Downtown' London Englandland (sic). For such a highly factual programme, the filmmakers were so far off the money that it just wasn't right!!

Ok sooo, the scene starts with two Skinhead in Stonewashed Jeans, Fred Perries, braces and Doc Martins (1970's anyone) pouncing on a British Asian businessman in the Square Mile and shouting stuff like " What's in the Briefcase Paki ?". Ok, a British Bobby then appears in authentic 1960's get-up, see's the crime and (get this), proceeds to pull out a tin whistle and blow for help (Jack the ripper stylee). I mean come on, for fuck's sake, all you needed was a bit of a Pea-souper, a horse and cart and a couple of chestnut vendors to complete the fukin scene? Laugh, I nearly fell of the fukin chair.. That's some fucked up vision of London you lot over there have?? Oh and while I'm on it, MI6 ( quoted in the next scene and in the last series of 24 ) is never actually used in a military sense and it hasn't been for fukin years, it's just Journo speak... It's actually called SIS , but now I'm just being petty!!

Sing along now, septics as well if you know the words (cue the Honkeytonk piano) ... Roooolllll out the Barrrellll, we'll have a barrel 'o' fun !!!

Ok, I'm off out for a walk and to enjoy the sun..


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Viva la Torrent!!

As much as we English don't like the French ( Arrogance vs Pomp and Pride... No fukin contest you fukin baguette munchers !! ), they do seem to be getting things right at the moment with stuff like this, which is basically forcing Apples hand in monopolising the digital downloading of itunes music for ipods only, which is akin to only being able to buy say shell petrol for Ford cars and this, which allows peer-to-peer file sharing to be carried out for free after you buy a peer-to-peer licence...

Ok, I'll tackle the Apple thing first, it's not really about itunes , it's about the whole modern Apple philosophy thing in general . Soo, Apple are starting to become just like fukin Microsoft in the way they treat their customers. Just last week I had to buy an upgrade ( the second in four months ) for a programme that I've already paid £700 for? To top it off, this ain't even a major upgrade, it just covers a couple of bugfixes and allows me to use my prog on their new Intel hardware ( a hardward migration decision made by them, and not fukin me I might add!! ), but of course if I want to keep my software current I have no choice to purchase this sodding upgrade at £35. It's not a lot of money, but it means I've already spent £80 on bugfixes ???

Thanks Apple!!

These upgrades should be free but you justify the price on the fact that it comes with a whole load of new Garageband loops. Woohoo!! Woopy fukin do!! Just what the professional producer needs? A bunch of pre-programmed amateur night at the Apollo sound files. Just give me the fukin programme you doughnuts and stop messing , I'm quite capable of programming my own drum loops thanks. I left a review on their site detailing my concerns, but of course it wasn't published with the other reviews coz it's negative?

What the fuck's that about!!

You know Apple, it was the musicians and the graphic designers who kept your fukin company alive when everybody gave you up for dead!! So stop treating us like your doing us a fukin favour thanks!! If anything, you should be giving the LC, Quadra, PowerPC brigade fukin discounts, coz if it wasn't for us lot, you'd all be dead in the water ...

Apple fukin snapple!!!

Right that's off my chest. Next: Peer-to-peer file sharing. Ok, where do you start with this fukin can-o-worms ?

You know, this shit ain't gonna go away, soo, the logical thing to do is to legalise it with a peer-to-peer licence. I really can't see what the problem is? Ok sooo if have an album on-line and it get's downloaded say 2000 times then the artist gets a percentage of that from the licence... Easy !!

You say: It's imposible to admin something like that!!

We say: Fuck off, publishing companies have been doing that sort of shit with radio and TV airplay from different world territories for fukin years... Get together with them, have a cup of tea and a biscuit , have a chat and fukin sort it out!!

You say: It would be logistically too expensive and would require too much manpower to put in place..

We say: Nah, shut the fuck up again. If you put half as much effort into sorting out the necessary protocols and finding a common solution as you do with taking Johnny Smartypants to court coz he downloaded the latest Death Banana and Fido fukin album then I guarantee you'd have it all sorted within the year!!!

I for one would have no problem with paying a monthly fee to be able to download what I want when I want and I know a lot of people who feel the same way. Till then, I'll just do it anyway.. It's as easy as that coz I really don't have the time to watch TV progs when you say I have to watch em !! I'm a busy boy you know..

Arrrrhhhh, breath in, breath out, that's better..

Also... It seems our Iranian friends couldn't get it together (yet) and form a Petroeuro Oil Bourse? Oh well, nevermind lads, maybe next year eh!! At least you won't get invaded for a while though, which is always nice!!

Ok, I'm gonna relax for a couple of hours and watch Jack Bauer kick some fukin ass... Thanks for allowing me my Tv schedule on my time... Get it!!


Monday, March 20, 2006


Soo, I'm kinda done-in today. I've got some issues going on in my head at the moment that I'm not gonna divulge on this blog, but needless to say I'm not happy about certain aspects of my life at the mo , so I'm feeling really fukin fed up..

So Yesterday I did the 'meet the relatives I fell out with six years ago' thing at The Ideal Home exhibition in Earls Court, my idea of hell (the exhibition and not the relatives bit that is). The meeting was very civilised, in fact I actually enjoyed seeing them again. We traipsed around for a couple of hours looking at heated toilets, hot tubs, fish tanks the size of Wembley stadium, cinema sized TV's, vibrating chairs etc. etc. etc. you know, all the shit that looks good and I suppose will impress somebody? but you'll never really need any of it. We chatted and joked around and got all nostalgic and stuff, then we went to a pub and had a couple of pints. All very nice , all very civilised. I'd kinda forgotten just how much I was missing them all..

Soo , I guess I have an extended family again which makes me feel a little better. Although Christmas just got a lot more fukin expensive, but at least I won't be spending it downing a bottle of vodka on Oxford St ( as happened the year my parents died...) Ooof, I shiver at the thought of that one, bad day at black rock...Errr no fukin shit !!

Ok, soo I don't really have to work today and tomorrow apart from a couple of meetings in London Bridge tomorrow night so I'm not gonna. I'm really not in the mood to work today to be honest I just can't be arsed with it all..

Alright, cheer the fuck up mate will ya ..

Fuck it, I'm going shopping..


Saturday, March 18, 2006

Sack this. Mate!!

Sooo, last night was carnage, everybody was Irish for the night ( spot the fake accent ), the club was absolutely mobbed and there was no real trouble apart from the complimentary British Asian bloke who was thrown out by security and then stood there all night pleading his innocence? Complete waste of fukin time mate!!

Note to people who get thrown out of clubs: Just go home and stop making yourselves look fukin stupid. It doesn't matter how hard you try to get back into the club, it just ain't gonna happen and the more you give the security grief, the more chance you have of being barred for life. Give in, go home. It's that simple!!

Ok, funny th0ugh, that tossy bar manager bloke who's always trying to throw spanners in the works tried to sack (fired) my little helper last night which was funny.

Me: Why the fuck has J just stormed out the building??

Bar Manager: Because he's been sacked!!

Me: Err, by whom exactly??

BM: By me of course?

Me: Oh, yeah and how exactly do you fukin sack somebody who doesn't actually work for you mate?

BM: He does work for me?

Me: Oh yeah mate, is that why I pay his wages and I get him a taxi home at the end of the fukin night then !!

BM: He still works for me??

Me: So what you trying to say, that I work for you as well?

BM: Well no, but...

Me: But fukin nothing mate, he doesn't work for you, he never has, so you can't fukin sack him, period . Now I have to go find him and plead with him to come back and work!! I have enough shit on my plate without having to undo somebody else's fuck ups mate. What did you allegedly sack him for fukin anyway?

BM: He was drinking on the job..

Me: Oh, that would be the pint I just bought him to thank him for doing such a good job eh!!!

BM: Oh!!

Me: Oh!!

This bar manager really gets my fukin back up with his bullying, condescending and downright lazy and stupid management style. We run a really tight ship of workers on the production side and this twat just gets in the way constantly. I'll be like 30 feet up in the lighting frame and the guy on the floor feeding me cable will just like vanish ? So I'll climb all the way fukin down only to find that this twat has stolen my worker and has him jarring a door open with a bit of cardboard or something equally fukin stupid!! The guy's a real fukin idiot. He once turned all the power off as a Headlining band were finishing their set, just coz he wanted to go home fukin early??? We had shit band nights for month's after that. People talk you know!!

Never ever turn off a headlining band halfway through a fukin song , there will be tears!!

Yep this guy stands in the way of us having one the best small/mid sized live venues in central London and it pisses me off big time, but he has his name above the door as a licensee so there's fuck all I can do about it.


Sooo, we finished work at about 3 am and decided to go to Chinatown for some food. Bad idea all round really, cost a fortune, tasted like shit and we were getting the food kinda chucked at us by the tired looking waiters but what can you do eh, it was 3:30 in the morning!!

This weekend I'm playing meet the relatives that I fell out with 6 years ago. We're meeting on neutral ground tomorrow at the Ideal home exhibition in Earls court, far from ideal, in fact, my idea of hell, but it's gotta be done, duty calls!!

So therefore I'm staying in tonight so that I can be on my best behaviour for the meet. Shame really, there's some great parties tonight. Oh well, nevermind!!

Right, I'm off out for lunch.

Nice David Gilmour interviews on his new album and tour from capital gold..


Friday, March 17, 2006

Flop of the Pops

Random St'Paddy's day blender full of green alcoholic shit. Hic!

Sooo , Last night was truly hilarious, we do this night now and again where we have what can only be described as a 'Band swap'..

Ok, we take people from fairly well known bands and swap em all around for a laugh, so drummer A plays with band B, guitarist C plays with band A etc. etc. etc. They're all then given a cover song which is totally unrepresentative of the what the band would usually play and left for three minutes to get on with it on stage!!

Therefore, a heavy rock band will get to do a Britney cover, a soul singer type band will do a sex pistols cover and say an all girl rock band will do a Westlife cover etc. ( No!! I've just mentioned Westlife on my blog, aarrgghhhh....I'm going in red leader, take cover, mayday!! mayday!! )

I digress

You start by giving the drummer (through his stage monitor) say ten seconds of the origional song to be covered, you then turn it off and he has to carry it on as the rest of the band virtually make it up on the spot. Funny ? It can make you cry on the spot so yeah, it's funny as fuck!!

Soo, This sounds like a completely stupid idea and you'd be right, it is! But the results can be fukin hillarious, what totally tops it off is the fact that the musicians have never really played together before. Oh and they all get minging drunk before we start so nobody really gives a shit what they're playing anyway..

The first one of these nights we did nobody would join in, but now we have bands battering down the doors to take part..

As for me engineering this shit, well I've done about four or five of these nights before and I've got it down to a fine art. What you do is listen out for the worst musician on stage and feed him really loud to all the other band members monitor's so therefore they all start playing (or trying to play) to his crap timing!! It works a treat ..

Soo , last nights acts worthy of merit, well we had the worst rendition of Michael Jackson's 'Billy Jean' that I've ever heard ( including karaoke versions ) the guitar solo in the middle was exceptionally bad, but fair play to the guy as he did manage to finish it off on the right note while laying on his back and playing with his teeth ( Jimmy Hendrix style ) which in turn brought a sea of approving raised fists and cheers from the packed house... Top!!

Also of note, the band consisting of a funk drummer, a heavy metal guitarist, a bassist and three doo-wop type singers doing a cover of 'Nelly the Elephant'. Classic stuff all round really!!

But the Flop of the Pops award (for me) definitely went to the all girl band doing a thrash metal version of Sinatra's 'Come fly with me' , Imagine a car full off wailing cats crashing into a lake at 120mph after swerving off the fastlane of a motorway and then sinking with the occupants still alive inside and your kinda halfway there!!

Yep, totally fukin hilarious..

Ok, tonight we're having a St'Paddy's day celebration night at the club, so I imagine it gonna be total carnage from start to end.. Oh dear!!

Right, people to see, things to do!!

Happy St'Paddy's day.... Watch out for the 'I've suddenly sprung Irish roots, did I ever tell you about my cousin Shamus?' people, they really are everywhere today and don't we fukin know it.... F' sure, f' sure!!


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Sound advice seemingly??

Random graphic eq pic of the day !!

Soo, sorry for the lack of posting recently, I really haven't had the time.

Today, I'm back in the studio doing re-mixes for one of the majors, this is my lunch break and the only time I have to post, so I'll do my best.

Ok, this kinda pissed me off this morning as I was doing a brief flit through the news, it's not the fact that ipods may or may not effect hearing, that's irrelevant, it's the fukin sound laws in general that get me.

Ok, so this post is dedicated to the little men in white coats from the government that drop by venues, concerts, nightclubs, gigs and outdoor events every now and again, just to throw a polically correct fukin spanner in the works and do everybody's fukin head in!!

They carry a sound level meter and hide in corners ready to spring at the first sign of a drum stick being raised and always in the first crucial minute of a band starting to play. The dialogue kinda goes like this:

GO ( government official ) : Can I have a word sonny?

Me: Err not right now mate, I'm kinda busy!!

GO: Yes now!!

Me: Mate I'm engineering a band, you blind or something?

GO ( pointing at the sound level meter ) : Now!!!

At this point the metermen usually intervene and won't let you leave the soundbooth till the mixing desk has all but been muted to the point where nobody hears a fukin thing???

Sooo, off you trot to a quieter place in the fukin venue only to be told like some naughty fukin schoolkid that " The sound sytem is just too bloody loud sonny " and then given a half hour fukin lecture on the finer points of sound level control???

Yeah yeah, whatever mate!!!

By this point, the band have walked off stage in a hissyfit coz nobody can hear the vocals and they sound shit and everybody's booing at them??

Of course this puts you directly in the firing line as soon as you return from your playschool fukin lecture..

Hell hath no fury like a rockstar scorned!!!

Oh and I've had some classics thanks to these environmentally brain deficient sonic testing government cockroaches...

Classic 1: I was doing a gig in the Waldorf hotel a couple of years ago ( horrible room for a gig, glass walls and a marble floor ) this 'Meterman' was on my case from the minute the guitarist struck his first chord, this guy comes running over and he's like ( pointing at his meter ): "Sir that's just too loud, you'll need to turn it down!! " Trouble was that the sound was only coming from the guitarists amp on stage, the 30k Turbosound ( motherfucker from hell ) rig right in front of me: wasn't even fukin turned on yet!!!

Classic 2: ( Notting Hill carnival 1998 ) The Meterman had given us so much shit all day over the mobile 20k rig that two Jamaican geezers who had been trying to dance and had overheard my constant bickering with this stuborn fukin prick, picked the fucker up and chucked him head first into the Grand union canal to the cheers of about 1000 party people.... Ha !!!

Aww, does wet doggy need a bath?

Ok, soo the laws guidelines state that if the soundlevel is above 85db (80db for the new European laws?) then basically it's too fukin loud !!

What a load of fukin bollocks!!

These laws are drawn up for factories where people may be stood next to the same machine at 85db day in and day out for say ten years, fair enough, yet they try to apply the same fukin laws to sound systems that can easily peak ( for a couple of milliseconds ) at 120 db, the two just ain't the same fukin thing, period!!!

Ok... Let's break this down with a simple explaination in Lay terms of the decibel..

Right :

40db = Mouse asleep ( or doing the crossword ) @ 1 meter

60db = Mouse doing the washing up ( or having a little tap dance ) @ 1 meter

70db = Normal conversation @ 1 meter

75db = Hoofing a kittycat ( hard ) @ 1...5...10 meters

80db = Telephone dial tone @ 1 meter

85db = Vacuum cleaner ( blue and white stripey hoover model ) @ 1 meter

90db= Traffic noise ( including SUV's and those stupid looking Porsche fukin transit van things ) @ 5 meters

95db = Having a ruk with your partner about " Why the fuck is there a fukin mouse tap dancing in the kitchen fukin cupboards dear???"... " Sorry love, it's a bit of an experiment I'm conducting on sonics!!" ... " Sonics! I'll fukin sonic you in a moment if you don't..... etc. etc .etc.

100db= Jackhammer @ 10 meter ( 110db if it goes over your fukin foot ) , or a club system playing at 70% approx volume

110db= Rock concert ( economy sized ) @ 10 meters

120db= Jet engine ( taking off , with a plane attached ) @ 100 meters

130db = Threshold of pain ( I like this one!! )

140db= The foreign country that George Bush has decided to invade this week!!

180db=Rocket engine @ 30 meters, Blue whale humming @ 1 meter ( I shit you not!! )

250db= Standing inside a nuclear explosion ( not advisable this one, just take my word for it eh ! ) plus you'll probably break the meter!!

And ( don't with the and shit!! ) there you have it, so upon looking at this chart, you can kinda gather that when the Meterman walks through a venue door: You might as well turn off the fukin sound system and just go home..

Another example of political bullshitical correctness gone horribly wrong..

Finally I must apologise to who eventually turned their servers back on, albeit three days later (a virtual century in internet time) , I'm stupid, your not ok!!

Ok, back to work


Monday, March 13, 2006


Soo, I've just had to totally rebuild my blog as the company that was hosting all my images has just fukin disappeared off the face of the planet ??

What the fuck's that about?

Twats !!!

If your using for any of your images than you really need to check your blog because they won't be there... They may appear to be there ( because of your browser cache ) but I guarantee they're not . Ok, if non of this makes sense to you then try refreshing your page a few times ( to re-new the cache ) or look on another computer at your blog ( preferably one that you haven't viewed your blog on before coz that will have chached the images as well. )

So anyway, I had to spend the whole morning uploading all the images to another hosting service and then revising my bloody template. Pain in the arse!!!

Soo, the weekend, well I stayed in with little Mistress coz by the end of last week I felt sooo fucked and run-down that it was the only sensible thing to do.

I went shopping at the local Chinese supermarket and then we spent the weekend chilling out and eating good food, Miso seaweed soups , Thai curries , Singapore curries, all home made of course.

Sun we went for Sunday Lunch, had a couple of pints and came back to mine and watched DVD's..

No parties, no cocaine, no hastle, just normal shit.

Last week really took the wind out of my sails, I didn't even have the time to eat properly and to be honest, after today, this week ain't much different either?

No rest for the wicked eh!!

Listening to : Dave Gilmour ( The guitarist from Pink Floyd ) : On An Island.

This album hasn't been off my ipod since the day I bought it, I fukin love it!!! It rules.

Note to all the critics who slated this abum: Fuck you, if you could even visualize an album as good as this, nevermind make the damn thing, then you'd have the right to comment on it. Until that day, you lot really haven't a fukin clue in my book!!

Music ctritics: You're all a bunch of tossy failed bloody musicians anyway, what the fuck would you lot know eh!!



Friday, March 10, 2006

Mad old week!!

Ok soo, It's been one hell of a week. I just haven't had the time to post it's just been completely fukin manic.

So studio sesh Wed ran till like 9am coz the co-producer (after taking a half-hour meeting break in the West end) decided it would be ok to roll back in at 3AM with a bottle of JD, a gram of coke and two blondes in tow after seemingly stopping off at some bar in Soho for a quicky on the way back to the studio. He then insisted on finishing the tune? This sort of shit happens now and again, but if he's the one sorting out the money then you just have to bite you lip, be diplomatic and say jack shit!!

So yeah out of the studio by 9am, back home for 10 am, in bed by 11:30 and out the door again at 2:30 to do a band night: I felt absolutely fucked to say the least!!!

I am, as one would say though a " Trooper "

Band night was good though, four pretty decent acts and some really heavyweight A&R kicking around the venue to see them… Always a good thing as when bands find this out they tend to pull out all the stops and kick the shit out of it on stage... So, all good.

So I finished at the venue at about 1am and go home for some well earned sleep.

Then it all started again.

So, last night.

Yep, last night I arrived really fukin late at the venue after getting stuck on the train for two hours coz of some signal problem in Vauxhall???

Ok, I arrived late but I wasn't really too worried as everything was still set up from the bands the night before and therefore it should be a case of turning it all on bringing up the mics and checking the bands... Easy!!

Think again batman??

Cue the curse of the fukin Foreign Headlining bands Anal Engineer!!!

This guy has arrived early, I'm not there of course and he's seen this as a green light to do as he pleases?

Soo, like a coakroach in a fukin empty biscuit factory he goes on a rampage!!

Yep, I arrive at the venue and go to put my coat in the soundbooth. Oh fuck!! Everything has been re-set? The graphics, mixing desk, effects, compressors, amp settings, channel assignments... The fukin lot ??


He introduces himself, I just want to fukin throttle this guy, but I'm the one that's late here, not him..

I tell you what mate, why don't I come around to your fukin house and rearrange it all as return favour. I'll change around all of your kitchen cupboards and put the toilet in the fukin bedroom and the bathtub in the garden… Just so you know where everything is then eh!!

I'm sure you'd be over the moon just as much as I was!!

Oh, and while I'm on it, you know your cooker and fridge mate, I've brought my own, so I'll just leave yours in a place where you have absolutely no fukin chance of finding them ever again !!

So yeah, not what I fukin needed ... At all!!

To top it all off this guy has brought all his own mics... Ok not a problem we'll just use his mics for the other bands, but oh no! His mics are too fukin precious to use on the other bands and he doesn't want anyone to touch his channels once he's set them all up...

Oh for fuck's sake... Who the fuck do you think you are?

Pink Floyd's fukin sound engineer???

It's a charity gig mate ... And your bands are a completely fukin unheard of Funk number!! Your only headlining coz your lot need some sleep (seemingly) before the gig ...The headlining band soundcheck first and therefore have the time to return to hotel and rest before they play...

The real Headlining band are not that happy with this arrangement but have agreed out of a combination of common decency and the fact that you've taken it upon yourself to completely avoid stage etiquette set up your band prematurely and just pilled into the venue equipment?
Of course while all this was happening, I was stuck on a fukin train in no-mans land!!

Personally, I would have told you to " Fuck off, mind you manners and sound check in the right order!! " but of course I wasn't there..

Fukin foreigners, you think you can just fly in to Heathrow and take over the fukin country.

Arrogant twats!!

I digress.

Ok, so I've walked into a big pile of horse shit and I'm already stressed from being so late.

Right, I take a walk about the stage to try and make sense of the situation... His band are all cabled up and ready to sound check, fine, I check the rest of the cable stock to count out what I'm gonna need for the remaining three bands.

What the fuck, there's like 5 XLR cables left over. What the fucks going on???

I turn around to the drum kit and nearly fall over in amazement, it looks like a bunch of aliens have landed on stage, I kid you not, this guy is using like a thousand mics on the fukin drums, there's two bassdrum mics, two snare mics, double tom mics, four overheads, individually mic'd cymbals, four DI's to electronic pads etc. etc. etc.

Jeez louise, this guy's trying to break the record for drum stupidity?

It's not a drum kit anymore, it's a sonic fukin time bomb spacemobile!!!

Sooo, this means I'm gonna have to take half the cables off after he's done the sound check.

Just so I have enough stock to mic other fukin bands?

Of course what gets taken off will have to be replaced before his band plays later on!!


So yeah, you try and remember where that lot is all gonna go back on a dark stage with musicians trying to exit and arrive from all sides of the stage (usually, the musicians will all be pissed drunk by this point in the night just to make your job that much easier!!)

Big fukin headache!!

Fuck him he can do it all. I can't be arsed.

If he wants to build a sonic rocket ship on stage, he can damn well learn to fly it himself!!

This engineer takes about an hour just to soundcheck the drumkit and we're starting to run really fukin late.

The other bands are all starting to look really pissed off as well, nothing worse than being sat in a venue waiting forever to do a sound check...

The engineer's a real fiddler as well, I fukin hate fiddlers, if you take more than two minutes to EQ a snare drum, in my book it just says you don't know what the fuck your doing... 125k boost on the bottom, 4k on the top, roll off the bass, set the compressor and gate, place it in the monitors, bring up the main fader ... Two minutes, easy!!

This engineer has the drummer hitting the snare for like 20 mins , it's driving everyone up the fukin wall !!

Thwack, thwack, thwack for twenty minutes...

Bassdrum , thud , thud , thud for twenty minutes...

Bassdrum mic 2, thu, thud, thud for ten minutes...

Get the fuck on with it will ya!!

I tell him he has five more minutes, he's not happy, I don't care.

So, I finally manage to kick this twat out of the soundbooth after virtually prying his hands from the mixing desk.

There are still three bands to do so it's all hands on deck at this point and of course this engineer is nowhere to be seen??

He's disappeared, just like Houdini, just when he's actually fukin needed?


Well if he hasn't labelled everything up properly he's gonna have one hell of a change-over to deal with at 11 o'clock.

Ok I fly through the first band at breakneck speed.

The second of the three bands have their own sound engineer, but this guy is a true professional and does his band in about 15 mins (thank fuck)

By this point the venue is half full and the house lights are still on, good job this is a charity gig so nobody seems that bothered.

The last band (who are first on) are gonna have to sound check and then go staight on and play, not good, but that's just how it is I'm afraid...

Ok, all done, first band are on stage and playing, everything's sounding great, everybody happy, all good.

I take a deep breath and then collapse on the mixing desk out of sheer exhaustion!!!

Thank fuck for that!!!

Sooo , the night actually went really well after that , right up until the " headlining " band arrived back at the venue !!

Of course this guy hasn't labelled his stuff up properly, so I give him a hand setting up and re-cabling the mics he should be using on the drum kit, then I disappear ( ust like Houdini) and leave the rest to him ...

I return about 20 mins later, and the bands in full swing on-stage and it's sounding ok, but not brilliant...

This band are pretty shite anyway, nobody knows who they are, half the crowd have gone home (it's 1am) and the remaining crowd are too pissed to notice, so who really cares at that point ... Not me, that's for sure!!

Ok, night over, everthing packed away, everybody's gone home.

I turn off the house light, sit on the edge of the stage and crack open a well earned bottle of beer...

Phew ... Wot a fukin night!!

Bloody rock n roll...

Right, I have a club to run so I suppose I should be out the door...


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Some people eh ??

Man , the mixes from my new Saffire Audio interface just get better and better . I'm getting mixes from it that sound as good ( if not better ) than some of the stuff I've done in studios costing £1200/ day .. And it's right in front of me , at home !!

Blokey picture of my baby :

I'm proper chuffed ..

Sooo , last nights bands were not bad actually , one Jazz type band and one funk band who were dreadfull at sound check , but a different band when it mattered ..

No real rock and roll stories as such apart from me having a barny with the ( tight as fuck ) bar manger ..

I was on my way out the door and I grabbed a couple of Stella's from the fridge ( like I always do ) , the guy fukin exploded ..??

Him : What you doin ?

Me : Err grabbing a couple of bottles for the journey home ??

Him : Your out of order son

Me : Wot ?

Him : Your bang out of order .

Me: Wadda you mean , out of order ??

Him : Yeah I'm cutting back on bar staff taking drinks , I've told you before ..

Me ( on the defensive ) : Bar staff ??? Fuck you, I walked into this fukin venue 3 years ago and since then I've taken it from being a weekday night right off to a packed house virtually every time we do band's and on Friday nights it so busy the fukin aircon packs in ?? I've re-rigged the sound system , installed a new fukin mixing desk and eq's and monitors and a new effects setup and fixed all the lighting in both rooms and brought bands and promotors in and punters and I'm about to buy a new fukin sound system and fukin install it on my own time cos were making so much fukin money nowadays .. And your gonna deny me a couple of fukin bottles of Stella : not that it's even your place to tell me fukin anything .. Well fuck you mate !!!

Him : ( now bright red in front of his bar staff ) Err .. Ok then ..

Me: Fukin damn right , next time , show me a bit of professional courtesy , I don't work for you and I'm not one of your fukin barstaff !!

Fuck me , that guy really gets my back up sometimes ..

It's just not necessary ...

What a fukin Tosser !!!

Ooof ...

I'm not gonna write anymore today , just writing this down is pissing me off again !!

Laters ..

Monday, March 06, 2006

Derailed entertainment

Imposing building picture of the day ... The Shell tower , London SE1

Taken Fri afternoon on my way to the club ..

Well I fukin like it anyway !!

Soo , Monday again and the start of a somewhat manic week after a somewhat manic weekend.

I really couldn't get into Sat night , I was just too tired and T had invited his mad ( I'll start a ruk with anyone who fukin moves ) cousin to his birthday bash . Mad cousin was completely pissed when he arrived and he spent most of the night heckling anyone who wasn't part of our group and hitting on little Mistress which was pissing me ( and her ) off something rotten plus he stole ( but obviously flat out denied ) her cigarettes and lighter at one point so it was starting to get way fukin heated . To top it all off , another friend of T's showed up who was fukin also off his trolly and pretty much acting the same as mad cousin , so those two together were just fukin ruining the party for everybody else and I just really couldn't be bothered with it all. I've seen more class in a ham fukin sandwich !!

My mate N arrived at about 9pm with his girlf B and another mate ( who's name I can't remember ) and we all bowed out at the first opportunity ( leaving the main group ) and went to a private members club in West London were N's mate was DJ'ing . Getting away from that lot was a welcome relief which was a shame really as I would have liked to have stuck around for T's birthday ...

Sorry T .. but I could see it all ending in tears mate !!!

The private members club thing ( apart from the ridiculous drinks prices: £8 for a fukin jack and coke ) sorta saved the day. Me and Little Mistress rolled out at about four in the morning and took a cab back to my place for some much needed sleep ....

I cooked a huge sausage casserole yesterday and we stuffed our faces as we both waded through the Sunday papers: coz that's what Sundays are for you know ...

Soo , yeah ... Interesting weekend all round !!!

Nice to see Brokeback Mountain didn't clean up at the Oscars ... It was good , but nowhere near as good as Crash in my book ...I'd never even heard of Capote but ( thanks to the magical light pipe ) I'm gonna watch it tonight ..

This is starting to simmer , and to top it all off , the Am Gov has just completed a deal with India to share Nuke tech ??? I mean what the fuck is that about , talk about hypocrisy in action !!!

Laters ..

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Speaker ( s ) corner !!

Sooo , we had a completely fukin mobbed house last night .. I don't think that I've ever seen it so busy !!

If it continues like this I'm gonna invest in a new sound system as the old one's getting a bit passed it's sell by date.. Martin Audio H3 Blackline I think ... Ooooh , the thought of it makes my knees go weak ( sad but true !! ) These speakers truly fukin rock like a big rock thing goin on !!

Apart from Funktion ones which are major fukin awesome sounding but just far too pricey ( your talking like £100,000 (( min )) to do the club ) I think that they're the best sounding off-the-shelf club speakers in the world .. So that's what I'm after !!!

Ok soo , tonight Little Mistress is coming over and then we're off out to another mates birthday party in West London ( again !! ) so many Birthdays , so little time !!

I'm not really that up for going as I'm pretty fukin knackard truth be told but duty calls so I guess we're going ...

Ummm !!

Next week is mega busy so I really could've done with staying in this weekend , but hey ! this is London , wadda ya expect !!

Right , the third cup of coffee has just kicked in so I'd better get my skates on and sort all my shit out !!

Laters ..

Friday, March 03, 2006

i-pants !!

I know this comes a little late , but to be honest I had better things to write about Yesterday ..

Sooo ... It's hear , it's new , it's Home stereo reinvented ? ( Yeah ... whatever !! ) it's , it's , it's ... big fukin drumroll please ...

The iblaster ...

BOOM BOOM Shake Shake the... err carpet , a bit !!

Paaarrrpp !!! ( cue the anticlimax "single handclap" machine .. )

Full details here ..

Ho Hum .. It's a speaker ( just one mind ) , that you can put your ipod on top of , and that's err well it really : fukin absolutely brilliant ??

Now which fukin iPhD genius came up with this idea ( somebody's been getting Hi-pod round the back of the Apple campus again ) ... I haven't heard it yet but I can ( ican , now there's an idea , a watering can that you can plug your wellies into !! ) absolutely guarantee that for £250 you can get a pair ( a pair , now that's an idea as well ? ) of speakers that can blow this thing into the middle of next week ...

Umm , not even close to your usual standards of innovation Apple ...

I suppose you could take it on holiday , but to be honest it'll make you look like an itwat on the beach and I'd be well suprised if someone didn't nick your ipod off the top before the sun went down.

ikarumba !!

Ok , If you really wanna give us something Apple , how about a wifi remote that you can carry around the house with a screen so you can select your itunes library and little wifi boxes that you can plug straight into your existing ( tuned to blow the house up on command ) Hifi that will relay from your itunes library on your MAC or PC to any Hifi or speaker system in your house at the touch of a button .. Sooo , if I'm in the kitchen cooking , I put the remote on the fridge door ( coz it has a magnet on the back ) , turn on the kitchen speakers and voila , instant itunes access and Spag bol a la Radiohead to go !!

Sooo to refresh .. central computer controlling sound in all rooms , you could modify the itunes software as well so that I ( or the family I haven't got around to starting yet ? ) could play more than one tune at a time for multiple room distribution as well .. I recon say £150 for each remote and say £50/ hifi interface .. Easy peezy lemon squeezy , there , you've just made £450 from me alone ..


This probably improved the painting !!

I'm tellin ya , these nutters are everywhere ??

Right , I have a club to run ...

Out the door ..

iThanks ...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

One nutcase and his ( dead ) dog ..

Look how grey and miserable London is at the moment ... Roll on summer !!

Sooo, Met up with my mate N Yesterday and we both had a pint and talked business and pleasure in West London..

We started off in Portobello Rd and within five minutes we got attacked by some fukin idiot nutjob while we were just sitting talking at the bar ???

So yeah , I'm just sat talking to N when this Nutter comes in , sits next to us and starts talking to himself ( as you do ? ) Next thing we know he jumps up , forces his way between me and N and he's like : " Whatta you fucking say ? " Oh for crying out loud !!

Ok , first port of call ... I look at his hands . You can always tell the level of nutter by the lack of knuckles on his hands . This guys knuckles are flat as a pancake , oh fuck , definitely a scrapper !!

Him again : " Wadda you fucking saying about me ?"

Fuck this , we hold our ground ..

Me : " Mind your fukin business !! "

Him : " I'll mind what I wanna mind "

N's looking well on the defensive .. He can be a real hot head when it suits him ..

I get off my bar stool look the guy straight in the eye and I'm like : " listen mate .. JUST FUCK OFF WILL YA !! "

I kinda think this guy thinks of himself as a bit of a bully, so I guess he wasn't quite expecting my responce ..

The manager has gone to the back room and is on the phone , calling the coppers I expect ..

Him : " Yeah .. you wanna take it outside ? "

Me : " Take fukin what outside mate ?? Listen I'm just having a pint with my mate here , SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN FUKIN BUSINESS and just FUCK OFF !!"

N : " yeah mate FUCK OFF !! "

Man this is gonna kick off ....

We're in the stand-off zone here and it's not looking good ..

The stand-off lasts a couple more minutes with nobody showing signs of backing down ... and why the fuck should we !!

This is just way fukin stupid , it's Wed afternoon for fuck sake ??

Anyway ...

The boys in blue arrive just in the nick of time , thank fuck coz that was really about to blow!!

Copper : " Not you again , what have we told you before ?"

Nutter : " It's not my fault ... my dog died this morning "

The guy starts crying ( I shit you not ) ??

What the fuck ??

N , I think more from relief than anything else , bursts out laughing !!

Nutcase runs over a takes a swing at him .. N , ducks .... The copper grabs nutjob from behind : " Right son ,that's it , your coming with me !! "

Nutter : "But me dog just died "

What the fuck !! The thing is , it's actually stupid enough to be believable coming from this doughnut ..

Copper : " Sorry about that lads , he does this all the time "

N : " Lock him up and throw away the key mate "

Copper :" I wish !! "

He leaves the bar with nutcase in an armlock ...

For fuck's sake !!

" Lock him up and throw away the key " , no shit !!

N : " let's get the fuck out of here mate !!"

Me : " Yep !! "

We toddle off down the road and onto Ladbroke Grove and one of my fav pubs the Earl Percy: See the tiny little door at the back , that leads off into a sorta secret bar .. how cool is that ..

Anyway , after that one incident the rest of the day was how it should be ... Fukin normal !!

I swear , Portobello road has become a breeding ground for first class nutjobs lately ..

It's all a bit much really...

I'm cooking leek , potato and ham soup and the smell is drifting around the whole fukin house ... Yum Yum !

Hungry man ..

Laters ..

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Working Lunch

Yum yum ... Working lunch !!

One of last nights bands ... ( Notice the newly programmed lighting effects !! )

And... Err, Molly the fukin Microphone .

Sooo , last night turned out to be a really good night , 1 Rock band and 3 singer songwriters , the quality of talent was fukin exceptional which was nice coz when I had asked the promoter what kind of music the night would be before we started he replied : " Alternative " which of course usually means shite !!!

But not last night ... Hoorah !!

Don't have much time to write today as I'm off to meet an old friend for a pint in West London..

As you do !!

Oh yeah , fukin great Idea ... I'll pack my bags now shall I ??

Yay ... yay yay yay !!! There really is a god !!

Ok ,

Laters ...