Oooohh... So that's why I have a bad head today, I'm with you!
I just fukin love FTP, it just totally rocks like a big hard rock thing in rockland, rockville, planet fukin rock!! Finish your mix, upload it straight to the cutting plant and as if by magic, a whole load of shiny CD's and bits of vinyl just pop out of the other end!! How fukin cool is that! Who needs humans eh?
Sooo, last night I had this dream that I turned up at some festival to mix a band and instead of having one of these: I was faced with one of these:As you can probably imagine, this would cause a bit of a headache in the band mixing dept. So I (in my dream) promptly head butted the in-house engineer and stormed off in a tantrum??
Jeez louise what the fuck is that about?
My brain just does stuff!
I have no control
I'm mixing a tune at the mo, but I kinda need a hour or two (or three) away from it, so thus this!
Suppose I better go and do some work though I guess!
Sign this, if you give a shit about music and they way the greedy major record labels are suing the little people...You know it makes sense!!
Ok, Sooo I've been crap at posting of late, my apologies...bit busy!
Last week was hectic to say the least, I worked too much, drank too much and did far too many drugs, so this weekend I'm doing fuck all. The phone has been switched off and I've stocked the cupboards with food, and I'm doing jack-shit!! I'm even gonna watch the football by myself, in the house, no disturbances!
I'm a little sick of trying to watch the world cup down the pub, while the rest of the world gives a running fukin commentary around me? You know, every fucker becomes a football expert when the world cups on, stop it! It's fukin dull!!
So yeah, England vs Paraguay, on my couch, by myself, bottle of Red and some nice munch.
All without the running fukin commentry! Nice.
What else? Oh yeah, Thurs I pulled this girl, took her back to my house and then she proceeded to yap on till like 6 in the morning? I kept falling asleep and then she'd wake me up "Yap yap yap yap yap!!"
I'm like babe, " I really really have to sleep, I have shit to get done tomorrow!!"
Her: " Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap!!"
Me: "Nooo, like really, I have to fukin sleep mate!!"
Her " Yap yap yap yapppety yap yap yapppy yap!!"
Oh gawd, I finally got to sleep at 6...6:30, then woke up at like 2:30
So, I was engineering a band at the Savoy last night, proper posh gig! (made sure I had my camera this fukin time?)
Really good gig actually, the band were this Ratpack type Jazz combo and were fukin excellent to say the least. The mixing desk was miles from the stage though and I had to work in a Tuxedo, but I had a laugh all the same.
I'm not gonna even mention the fukin women, coz I guess you can imagine, needless to say the crumpetometer was way off the scale and then some!!
Soo, I got to eat some beautiful food and look at beautiful women while mixing a Jazz combo in some of the worlds finest surroundings, not bad, not bad at all!
Oh and half way through the gig a bottle of red wine with a large glass on a tray appeared (as if by magic) at the side of the mixing desk, superb, so I promptly demolished it, as one does!
The Savoy has it's own in-house AV crew and at the end of the gig the guy asked me if I was interested in working full time for him, but I'm not really into having a full time job so I politely said thanks but no thanks, then he asked me if I was interested in training his existing crew in sound engineering, fukin damn right I will, and considering what they charge to put the rig in (way, way over the top), I'll take that into consideration when I quote him a consultancy fee!
Talking of over the top, at one point I couldn't find my concierge (they give you one for the night ??) so I toddled off to the bar and ordered a Bicardi and coke, the bar guy comes over with the drink and he's like "£9.80 sir!!" so I'm like "what??" again "£9.80 sir!!"
I told him to keep the bloody thing!!
I've got money, but I aint paying that for a fukin single spirit, totally fukin stoopid??
This pic is the only decent pic of Sat nights party (taken with my camera phone):
Did the club on Friday night which was kinda rammed again and then Sat I got asked to do a band at a garden party as a favour for a mate of mine who runs an events company.
Garden party, err ok, whatever, it was paying alright so I just did it?
Ok, so I get picked up at High Barnet Station which is in the middle of gawd knows fukin where and driven to this party. We're driving along and the houses are getting bigger and bigger and suddenly we're in fuck-off mansion land, in the middle of fukin super-rich ville and I'm thinking "What the fuck?"
Sooo, the car I'm in eventually swings into the grounds of this huge fukin house, we're talkin 2, maybe 3 million...Nice, very fukin nice!!
The first thing I clock are the portable generators x2. ( One of these things could power a festival main stage and there's two??) and I'm thinking "what the fuck is this place?"
The driver takes me through this house and down onto a huge patio which overlooks this vast back garden (forest!!) which has been completely covered with a 90 odd foot open air white marquee. Damn!!
When my mate said garden party??
I walk down to the stage and it's like the size of the stage at our club, and it's behind a fuck-off proper sound rig, we're talking 15 maybe 20K, full sound desk, the works. " Fuuuck!!" I look around the marquee and it's just full of the best that money can buy in lighting, sound and outside event shit?
There's like probably 50 tables with full table decorations ( White lilly's on purple silk tablecloths) on a purple carpet leading down to a 40 foot dance floor infront of the stage with the fuck-off sound rig!!
The attention to detail was amazing, pure class, and the whole set-up just looked fukin incredible!
It stank to high heaven of money?
I've arrived well early so I just power up the rig, put a bit of Jon Kennedy on my ipod through the system, set up the stage and then sit on a sun lounger and watch the catering crew set up (really fit looking barmaid types)
I'm speaking to one of the event planners and he's telling me that the dance floor is on top of a swimming pool that's been scaffolded out just for this event and it would have been glass and lit from the pool underneath, but the council wouldn't give them permission.
Oh and by the way, this is a 40th birthday party for the house owner?
If I'd have known all this, I'd have bumped up my fee considerably. I thought this was just like Joe fukin Bloggs and a couple of his mates having a beer with the local pub band on his patio??
What the fuck!
I pull out my camera, press the on button and then discover that the batteries still in the fukin charger, at home!!!
The event guy's gonna send me some pics though, which I'll post as soon as I get, coz you gotta see this fukin place to believe it!!
Ok, other points to mention about this party: The Sushi conveyor belt complete with Sushi chef, the fully staffed Bar made entirely of blocks of ice, the chocolate vodka fountains and the 20 foot barbeque grills (plural).
Jeezus, money, money, money!!
The band arrives, no ordinary party band this one, two ex motown session and four other world class session musicians?? We sound-checked in literally twenty minutes, they're that good, superb is not a strong enough word for this band!!
All good, makes my job so much easier.
Then they all sat around for couple of hours in the sun till the guest arrived. "Michael jackson did this," and "George Benson said this," and remember the time when "Whitney Houston fell down the stairs?"
Sooo, the guests start arriving and the place starts to look like an episode of footballers wifes.
I've never seen so many breast enlargements in one room.
It was like a tit-off!!
I guess a who's who of outer Londons finest bankroll bitches!
Ugly men, extremely fit women?
They say money can't buy happiness! Maybe not, but it sure can buy you a great pair of tits to look at first thing in the morning!!
I spend the night getting hit on by fit women while their husbands gave me looks that could "Rip your fukin head off if you even think about going there son!!"
Shit the bed!!
Sooo much money!
I mean, great surroundings, but the people were pretty fukin horrible.
And the speeches...Fuck me I've never heard so much crap spouted in one place in my entire life?
"I've always loved you Jack, Happy Birfffday, even though you can be a nightmare sometimes, like that time you threw me down the stairs blagh blagh blagh!!!"
No love, the guys actually a complete wanker (you could tell from his eyes and the way he's hitting on the bar staff at every opportunity), he's just fukin loaded!!
Loads of coke flying about as well, the spewed bullshit of the speeches and the moronic dancing gave it away, but I kinda remained drug free.
Professional courtesy and all that.
The food though...Oooof, fukin superb nosh, but of course not much was getting eaten cos of all the charlie??
Total fukin waste!
And to think of all the hungry homeless down in the city??
So, it get's to 12 o'clock and I've had enough of waiting 30mins in the coke queue just to take a fukin piss, the band have done their thing and I'm kinda drug free and bored, so I get the doorman to get me a cab and I just go back to central London for a pit stop at the club before heading home.
The club's dead, so I have a few drinks (actually a lot of drinks) and coz I've already spent like £40 on a cab, I decide to take the nightbus the rest of the way home.
I fall asleep on the bus?
And wake up at 5 o'clock this morning.
At Heathrow fukin airport??!!??
I have to wait till 6:30 for the tubes to open and I finally get home an hour later, still pissed and in a foul fukin mood!!
I woke up at 3 with the hangover from hell!
And here I am.
I totally need some food but the cupboards are bare so I'm gonna go find somewhere and stuff my face.
Sooo, I gave in on the Sasha thing, the venue manager wasn't going for it and I was sick of banging my head off the wall. Talk about missed opportunity. Jeez louise, this guy needs a serious kick in the who's who in the world of clubbing pants?
Bad venue skillz.
London's cooling down so I may boot the studio back up later on. Today I've been sorting bank stuff out for the label and then I went shopping for my Niece's birthday prezzy.
Funny really, I'm stood in the queue in Waterstones (book shop) and the till guy's taking ages to get anything done, you know the type; slow, student, goth, nurrrrhead.
Anyway, as I'm standing I see this book titled "British citizenship test study guide" Sooo I pick it up and start to read it for a laugh, "Yeah, I'm British, walk in the park that shit!"
Fuck me, If I took that test today I would be booted out of the country faster than you can say: "Two cream teas and a butterd scone plea......." Thwack!!
"OUT! And don't fukin come back!"
1.In the 16th and 17th centuries, who came to Britain from France to escape political persecution?
Errrr...Some French people with like, errr baguettes and shit?
2.What is the name and the date of the National Day of Wales?
Errrr... National like, Leek day fest thing with errr dragons and stuff, oh! And valleys, yeah that's it Valleyday. No, no, got it, it's that bloke, yeah it's Tom Jones day?
3. What is the population of Scotland?
Oh yeah, know this one... 3 no! 5...and a half?, can I have a clue please?
4.When did Britain join the European Economic Community?
Oh gawd... I donno, what the fuck, fukin Christmas, Santa Claus, no Rudolf...Tinsel.
Oh bollocks, just kick me out, I give in!!
Glad I live here already eh!
Ok, my version:
1. If you spill somebody's pint, what'll 'appen?
2. What's a spuggy?
3. Name five commonly used British swear words?
4. Eastern European people come to the U.K. for what reason? expound in 200 words or less!
5. Maggie Thatcher Out, Out, Out! Define?
6. How much is a gramme of Charlie ( Northern England...Speed or 2 pills?)
7. Explain the following words: Shag, Slag, Geezer, Twat! and Rozzer
8. What is a plank?
There, and that's that!
So Steven Hawking is writing a childrens book , should be kinda fun eh?
Sooo, they all lived happily ever after in a non-spacelike geodesic that is only finitely extendible into the past!!
Ok, the club runs this shitty indie student night on a Sat, it's been going for 4 years and it's run it course, the numbers are down, the promoters (who pay the club fuck all in rental) are becoming arsy and it kinda just needs killing off.
I have and never will have anything to do with this night cos basically I don't like the music or the DJ's or the promoters.
Anyway, I'm talking to a mate of mine the other week and telling him about the venue and he's like " Right, I'm coming to have a look at this place!"
He comes down, like what he see's and decides to put a one off night on.
Sooo, this one off night turns out to be for DJ Sasha!!
Fukin...woo the fuck hoo!!!
For those who don't know, Sasha is like the worlds no.4 DJ, the kid's a fukin legend and the last time he played in London at a proper event was maybe 5 years ago, so you can imagine the gravity of this night. We're talking huge numbers, massive bar take, full press kit, the fukin works.
But... And it's huge but (just like my American ex's ass) the venue manager won't do it coz he's scared of losing his stupid pony Sat night promoter??
I'm chewing a fukin brick here!
Soooo, I've put the feelers out for a new Sat night promoter and my phone ain't stopped ringing, fuck these stupid indie kids, it's about time we had a decent Sat night.
And a heavyweight promoter.
Means I'll have to work Sat night as well, but what the fuck, it's all money in the bank.
I've just gotta convince the venue manager now that if he looses the Indie twats, it won't be so bad.
Fuck me it's hot today in London, far too hot to work!
So I'm not!
The weekend was ok I guess, went to the pub Sat afternoon, watched the England match ( it was shit but we won) then got pissed with a load of mates, partied on through the evening and got drunk and high and then came home. Got up late on Sunday, took myself for lunch, then just sat in the front garden reading the Sunday papers and playing with the landlady's dogs. All pretty normal, all pretty fukin dull to be honest.
I feel totally wacked out though, it sooo fukin hot.
Fuck being in the city or on the tube today....not fun!
Today I went shopping for food, then just stopped at the pub on the way home and watched all the lovelies go by. The summer birds dress code is like totally doing it for me at the moment, I'm kinda horny!
Sooo, if it's like this tomorrow I'm gonna sit in the park and chill. Really isn't much point to working at the moment, I have no aircon in the studio and musical electronic gear (mixing desk, computer, amps etc.) just generate way too much heat, so it's all turned off, sleeping in the studio. That's the first time in probably a year that the gears been turned off and it's been working hard so I guess it all deserves a holiday.
Note to the stupid bikers wearing nothing but T-shirts and shorts on superbikes I keep seeing: Leave it out you fukin idiots, believe you me (and I'm speaking from experience) when you come off and there's half the road attached to your back or legs, don't fukin whinge about it OK. I once downed my Honda RC30 on a country lane with just my shorts on and when it scabbed over I couldn't sit down or sleep or walk for 2 fukin months...you have been warned!
This is one of the funniest (geek like funny) things I've read for ages, it involves some parent who's has found out that his son is a "Hacker", talk about somebody who just has no fukin Idea what he's actually talking about. This so called parent is more dangerous than the kid? I wouldn't like to have this fucker as an enemy, talk about witch hunter gone wrong... It's either a hoax or the guy is a total fukin moron, I'd hate to be his kid though...lol!!
Fuck this it's too damn hot to be sat inside, I'm off back down the pub!
Gawd, Blogger is acting like a complete fukin dog at the moment. I'm finding it impossible to leave comments on my own blog, nevermind anybody else's??
It's pissing me right off!!
Come on Blogger, sort it the fuck out, maybe if you went through your files and deleted all the blogs with like one post from two years ago it might help?
So what's new? Well I've been busy as the last few days. The days have been spent in the studio mixing and nights have been spent building two myspace sites for a couple of acts on the label.
I'm finding it a little too warm to sleep (it's well hot and muggy in London at the mo) so I'm just working till the small hours and getting up later, going for lunch and then coming home to mix.
I found a wicked little prog though, Friend adder . I have to run it on the Mac under virtual Windows, but it works just fine. Sooo, you tell this little gem what kinda people you wanna invite as myspace friends, press go and it like adds 500 new friend requests in about 10mins.
It's the guerrila marketing tool from hell, that's what that is. Fukin top!!
Soo, I have the club tomorrow and I know it's gonna be mobbed. People who sit in offices all day when it's hot like this, just come out in fukin droves when the bell goes. So yeah it'll be mobbed.
Took my brain out earlier. I went shopping as a break from the studio and bought all lovely stuff for a chicken pasta dish, you know, fresh pasada, fresh tomatos, basil, oregano, proper parmesan, fresh tagliatelli, peppers etc. etc. etc. Oh and strawberries and cream for afters, got it all home: No fukin chicken?? Fuker! Couldn't be arsed to trudge all the way back to the organic shop, so I just thought "fuck this" and went down the chippy instead?
Tasted like shit!
Strawberries were nice though.
Ok, I'm gonna get back to the grind and finish off these bloody myspace sites.
I proudly present ' Strange searches that get people to my Blog Part 2'
A random selection of the searches that get people to this URL. All from the last week and all written exactly as thay were found!
blonde j MI5 bug ex pow Orange head offfice London ex wives pic swing 12-year old spliff "flip the kipper" manumission motel cazels in france london soho best shag adidas jacket coke blog fukin Olympics dont want my period coz of festival "The Eraser" torrent (tut! tut!) cokehead girl diaries fukin machines Google Video copy of the Telecon mash-up cokehead mother addicted try it got her day-glo copier paper London seaside party girls Carnage club London japanese girls ashworth mansions hello kitty supermarket night shift jobs London how long does your nose run after doing coke death star robot chicken torrent chris till cokehead pubs lesbien in london o god bored as fuck mate fukin picture Hello kitty sex "Worlds Fastest Band" stupid guy in london sold computer bailiff pictures of russian misses being fuked "People get crushed like biscuit crumbs" "dear diary" last night i went to the club bump buy trellick tower jobs for lazy twats Noise cancelling headphones, London Drugs italian liquor london off license (Note: there's one in Soho mate) soho london a guy came up to me listen to thom yorke's "harrowdown hill" Spanked in a little black dress confessions of a cokehead london "pitch and put" sit de pub dj's producteur de france "eq a snare" shagging animal fukers
Do people actually enjoy this kinda thing? I suppose if you've got kids or you wanna shag some rich divorcee or something...
Check out the Royal Promenade, jeez louise!! Err for which Royalty exactly, the king and queen of Acid-trip-ville? It's in the 'visit the shipyard' section and it's worth a gander just for a design lesson in the 'truely outrageous hideous daftism' movement of maritime architecture.
Soo, I've been following this Pirate Bay story pretty closely as I think it's precedent to the future of bit torrent.
My view: Sites like these are only a signpost to the torrents, they contain no actual file data and so therefore no copyrighted material. So what's my point in all of this? Well...holding these sites responsible for copyright infringement is like holding a gun shop responsible for a murder, it just doesn't figure!
Pirate bay is in fact just a search engine for torrents and as such, if it's guilty then you could conclude that Google and Yahoo etc. are also guilty of the same charge.
Ok...and my views (as an artist) on illegal downloading:
What! That's a completely mad statement Mr Cokehead, are you out of your fukin mind???
No... And here's my theory why:
Ok, take for example the recent Thom Yorke or Chilli Pepper internet "Scams" and then correlate them with the huge amount of positive reviews they both got from the Blogging, Forum and Underground communities, weeks before the rest of the world got their hands on the products ( In the case of Thom Yorke, they still haven't). Now, I know just from the amount of hits I got from my Thom Yorke post last week that these positive pre-release underground album reviews must only be doing good for album sales. They can have no negative impact on the recording industry...At all!
And...They only appear on the net for one reason and one reason only (listen up stupid record company execs...this is fukin important) These reviews only appear because" Geeks just love to be first!!" and by first I mean, first to recieve albums, or software, or movies and first to fukin review them...
"Oneupmanship is a geeks best friend." It's their fukin hidden code of honour, it's what makes them tick!
So instead of trying to hunt these people down: Bloody embrace them for crying out loud and stop wasting the recording artists money (we're talking millions here) trying to kill these fukin sites off. The harder you try (get this) the faster the technology will develop and the more of a problem you will have. And believe me, these geeks are way, way smarter than you are, or will ever be!!
Wise up you fukin idiots, you wouldn't know a good thing if it stood up and slapped you in the fukin face!
Right...back to mixing my album (which of course I'm gonna torrent, see how many times it's downloaded and read the reviews it generates...long before it's ever released! )
But...what would I know, I'm only the fukin artist?
Sooo, Friday we filled the club with foam, what a laugh... We do it about twice a year usually in the summer month's. Basically we hire this company and they come in with these two huge foam cannon things, then we wait till around 11, turn on the strobes and just let it rip!!
The two guy's who run the cannon are fukin hillarious, mad Essex boys and I swear you could make a sitcom about them... Ummm!
Foam carnage then ensues as the club becomes the washing up bowl of satan himself, you get people like virtually having sex on the dancefloor coz you really can't see a fukin thing!
Ok, as well as the foam shit we had this film company in the house filming some drama shit. The crew were only supposed to film for a few hours in a small corner of the club and in no way intefere with normal business.
Like that fukin happened!!
So this crew arrives plus actors and lighting and cables and fukin all the other shit that a film crew brings, and they just take over the whole fukin place?
I was not amused...at all!!
The director comes up to me and he's like " Alright mate, can we have the sidelights on ( these are far to bright to use normally) and can you not use the strobe, and can you not have the foam machine on when were filming please and can you make sure the dancefloor is not wet and can you...."
Me: " Err mate, hold on a minute here, it's a FOAM party, with lot's of foam, how the fuck can you have a foam party without the fukin foam? I mean come off it mate!!"
Him: " Oh it's ok we'll be done in a couple of hours "
Me: " Well yeah mate, or you get drowned"
He laughs (nervously), I laugh, we both laugh!!
I'm not fukin kidding though..
Sooo, the filming goes on and on and on, and me and the staff are getting well pissed off, the venue looks like a fukin christmas tree, it's getting too hot (cos the film lighting is generating a massive amount of heat ( aircon was fixed though) and the punters are complaining coz there's no bloody foam??
I have to pull the director up twice to tell him to get on with it, but (in a typical arrogant directors manner) he's not listening...
Fuck this, sidelights off, strobe on, heavy techno tune..
Foam cannon operator: " What now mate?"
Me: "Just fukin blast em!!"
And they did!
How to remove a (outstaying their welcome) film crew at lightning speed....101
The director comes running up (actually sliding up) and he's like "?"
Me: " It's a FOAM party mate, sorry and that but it cost a packet to hire that gear in, and we're damn well gonna use it!"
The club goes fukin off , big time!
Kinda get's on your chest a bit though, but hey!
An aftermath pic (the floor looks like a swimming pool but the cleaners love it though coz it makes their 7 in the morning cleaning job real easy...
Yesterday I met with my mate M and we watched England Slaughter Jamaica in the football and then we went on to this mad Casablanca themed party at this way posh place in Holland park where M was DJ'in.
And the women....Damn!
It was spoiled though by M's girlfriend coming on to me heavily like all fukin night. Jeez louise, M has a kid to this girl as well. Nightmare! Doesn't help that she's fukin gorgeous, no matter, it's my mates bird so no go, ever. Made that mistake once years ago and learnt my lesson the hard way, soo no way brother, noo fukin way!
So yeah, missed out on all the lovelies coz they all thought I was with my girlfriend.
Ok , I'm gonna make some food and watch a bit of TV..
Sooo, Friday...I'm off to get measured up for a Tuxedo this afternoon (don't ask) and then I'm off down the club. I know it's gonna be rammed tonight as it's the start of the month and I've a feelin the contractor hasn't fixed the fukin aircon still ( haven't been down to check yet?) Sooo if they haven't and It's rammed it'll be like working in a sauna all fukin night! Joy of joy's..
I'm gonna try and stay in this weekend. I'm really feeling the need to be on the wagon for a while and do some work instead. I have a full album of one if my own bands to mix indoors and I'd quite like to have at least half of it done by the start of next week. Plus I'm in one of those moods where I don't wanna go out and get fucked up, I just wanna eat some good food, detox and chill out for a while.
We'll see if it happens though?
I'm sure there's some willpower left in this brain somewhere? sat in a dark corner playing cards by itself.
Could do with a gwirl at times like this, instead of just a bunch of drug whoring fuck-buddies!!
Ok, Ok, Ok, enough already.. I keep reading this bullshit story all over the net about kids backward engineering a high frequency kid repellant noise (to stop 'em hanging out in front of shops and shit) , into a mobile phone ringtone that lets a mobile phone ring in a school classroom without teacher hearing (coz your hearing range drops off after about 25yrs of age) ??
Right, this story is pure bullshit and here's why:
Pull the other one kiddies 101:
This frequency is said to output at around 16-20khz...Ok!
A mobile phone speaker goes absolutely nowhere near as high as this (unless of course it's a batphone..)