Sooo, Monday. The weekend turned into all out kaos again, ended up in Ladbroke Grove with my mate J (girl), hanging around the local pubs and generally being a nuisance to one and all. Then we went back to her place in portobello and sat up chatting shit till like 4 in the morning. Then yesterday I took myself for lunch and kinda pub crawled my way home bumping into various mates for a chat along the way. Got in about 9 and watched the film Proof on DVD. Not saying a lot that film really , bit of a waste of fukin time I'm thinking? I wonder if I'm not the only one who thinks Gwyneth Paltro's a bit of a mong! I just don't get it?
So this week I'm in the studio for a couple of days and I'm also designing a new sound system with my mate S ( there seems to be an awfull lot of S's and J's in my life at the moment?) for the club. Were going for Martin Audio H3 Blackline speakers for the tops x4 and Martin S218 bass bins x4 for the low end, all powered by Crown amps (the worlds best club amps). We're pricing it at the moment and hope to install in a couple of weeks. It's gonna sound fukin shit hot in the main room , I can tell ya! Can't wait.
We're gonna put the existing system from the main venue in the bar area, coz the system's a bit pony in there at the moment.
I'm looking forward to doing bands in the main room after we do the install. We haven't done any bands in there for a while coz the old rig was getting a bit worn out and it was becoming harder to get vocals with any clarity in there.
Not any more though.
What else? Oh yeah! The very lovely Swedish J's coming to see little old me next weekend and I'm totally looking forward to that. I think she's staying for like, four days. I'll be worn out after that (hopefully)
Ok, I'm gonna go cook some food and enjoy the rest of the day doing fuck all!
Sooo, it's finally the weekend. The club was mobbed last night and for some reason was full of young Americans who have the inability it seems to hold down their drink? There was some funky ass hurlin goin on in the club I can tell you!!
What a mess!
Nothing really eventful happened after that apart from the old 'eat ten packets of crisps (potato chips) in under 20mins' bar staff game. Sounds easy, but not one person in two years of the competition starting has managed to do it! Last nights candidate got to bag no. 8 (not bad) before collapsing over the sick bucket. Still, it's a good laugh to watch somebody maneuver through various shades of yellow to green.
Sooo, the prize fund still stands at £120 and 11 dollars and 6 Euros and thirty five pence.
I left the club in a really bad mood last night for some reason? I guess it was just a bit of a long day. I was just about to get in my Taxi when this fukin prick in a business suit pushed me out of the way and jumped in with his tarty girlfriend!! I of course being tired and moody and completely sober...lost the fukin plot. I walked round to the other side of the cab, opened the door grabbed the fuker by his collar and threw him onto the fukin street. His High heeled, skirt up to her tits, Essex girlfriend thing, jumps out the cab and starts screaming at me: " What ya doin, it's arrrr cab mate?"
"Funny that, I think you'll find it's on my account mate!"
Anyway... Business bloke starts to get up preparing himself for a ruk, so I push him back down to the floor, and I'm like: " Sorry mate, your fukin pissed, I'm sobber, it's my cab, on my account, so just fuck off! "
His girl's like: : " Come on Enry, don't want this fucking stupid cab anyway!!"
I get in. My usual cab driver D is pissing himself laughing in his mad Polish way, and I'm like: " Just take my the fuck home D, enough already!"
The same thing happened at Heathrow airport after a gig a couple of years ago with this Japanese business man? He started all this ying tong origami fukin fugu martial arts twaddle on me while trying to nick my cab. So I decked him with my keyboard flightcase!
You might be able to pull that shit in Tokyo sonny, but not here, and definitely not in my pre-ordered fukin cab mate!
It's a fukin jungle out there, I'm tellin you, it just fukin is!
It's still mega hot in London and I'm a bit of a loss what to do? I've just spent the last two weeks weening myself off cocaine for a bit of detox, so the last thing I wanna do is go anywhere near the local bars. So I'm at a bit of a loss really.. Ho Hum!
No! No! No! Auntie Beeb. Just coz our politicians prefer 70's music does not make them out of touch with modern culture. I prefer 70's music and I am definitely not out of fukin touch. The reason they are all listening to old music is that all the new stuff coming out is complete wazak shit toss cocksucker fukin bedwetting shite!!
Now print some real fukin stories for fucks sake, and stop making up non-fukin-news!!
Like I do!!
We did some stupid things as kids, but this takes the dumb fuck of the year award in my book!
Ok, Im trying to do some work in the home studio, but it's just too damn hot!!
I must admit, I'm becoming a little disheartend with the music business at the moment, the lack of risk taking by the A & R departments is really starting to kill shit off? Do we really want to live in a world were 'middle of the road' Indie toss rules the roost.
I mean for fucks sake!!
I was scanning itunes this morning and you know what? There's like jack shit new bands releasing records on major labels that would actually fukin warrant more than 10 seconds of my time in the lug hole department . Nothing, null, nowt, not a fukin monkey, fuck all with a capital F!
And then some!
And...If I hear one more shite, copy, horrid guitar sounding, regional dialect (think Artic monkey clones) pant's shite Indie band, then I'm gonna throw the fuck up!
Come on kids, where are you picking your techniques up from? The fukin Mothercare twee department!
Sooo, you've bought a guitar! Learn to fukin use it then. Try putting some space between the fucking notes!! I donno, listen to the Who or something and try copying their guitar sound instead of pressing the 'makes it sound like it's in a fukin biscuit tin full off sodding nails, in the middle of a wet fart competition' button on your guitar amp..
You lot make the Sex Pistols sound like Karen Carpenter on a peace mission to fukin mello ville?
Please, no more top end!
Note to guitar amp manufacturers of the world: There should be a system of guitar exams that are graded by adding knobs to the amps. Stage one gets you the upper mid knob, Stage two the high frequency knob and only when you are fully accomplished should you be allowed to have the presence knob. Coz I'm sure these kids just turn the fukin lot flat out!
It drives me mad when I'm engineering, your gonna make me fukin deaf.
Take for example last years Live 8 concert: Shite sounding indy bands all day, then the Who get on stage and everything just sounds solid as fuck and then floyd get on stage and it's just pure fukin bliss. You know why, coz they've learned that to get a good guitar sound, you turn it up loud, and then play it soft! It's called dynamics and it really does fukin work...
Loud, soft, loud soft!!
It'll still sound fukin raw as fuck, but it'll have depth and solidity!
Go on, give it a go!
Maybe it's not the bands, maybe it's the 'everything's gotta sound as loud as the fukin TV adverts' mastering engineers?? Or maybe it's just the extra bloody flouride in the friggin water supplies??
Funny, Yesterdays Myspace power outage??? Myspace is in one of the Equinix data centres, which, for those who don't know, are supposed to be the most advanced data centres in the world , containing "truely uninteruptable power supplies" That's two power sources and diesel generators for back up in case the juice stops flowing, in other words, they can't in theory have power outages (unless Brian has been siphoning off all the diesel for his geek tractor).
Not any more busta, caputt they went! at the first sign of trouble?
Ooops, I'll get my hat!
Methinks a redesign is on the cards.
Just to rant on a little more... I've recently been using Little Snitch, it's a prog that basically tells you if any of your computer apps are phoning home on the intertwit. They are, fukin all of them. Jeez louise. So, after grabbing the packets that are been sent home by one (mentioning no names) pretty popular app and analyzing them, we find the fukin following. My IP address, my mac address, my serial, my location, the amount of time I use the app, my last 10 sites visited? the colour of my fukin underpants! And all manor of other shit, all sent home, every time I launch the damn thing?? Not anymore cocksuckers...Denied forever. When you wanna do fukin market research on me, you ask first, and then I can politely tell you to fuck the fuck off!!
Oh and look, from the BBC, a story on a better than CD quality WIFI player for Audiophiles? Funny that, us enginneers only ever master to CD quality, so how the fuck do these so called Audiophiles hear any fukin difference is totally beyound the scope of my little fukin brain???
So called Audiophiles piss me right off, I can often be found in the many high end HiFi shops of Tottenham court road conversing with the 'Trained' staff on the latest gizmos in Hifi. But, you don't actually know that (as a sound engineer) I'm completely ripping the piss out of your sales patter, coz it's complete bullshit that spews from your gob mate. It really is " Oh really mate, the AD converters made of Trintium plus bullshitamide, oh is that why it's like £20,000" Rubbish! If we don't record it that way, it can't be played back that way...period!!
And what's the Audiophiles top audio quality benchmark listening test holy grail record of choice? Why it Pink Floyd's " Dark side of the moon" Made in 1973 on 1970's technology and recorded to second geneneration two track tape. I rest my case!
You all need deporting to "I've got a £10,000 cd player so therefore I know lots of stuff about sound" fukin Island. Forever!
Right, I'm off down the club to reprogramme the lights..
I have finally returned from sunny Canterbury after staying for a festival, a short summer holiday and a bit of a snog!
Had to go straight from the train to the club yesterday and only got back to my own place at 6 this morning?
Soo, what was is like then? Well I arrived last Friday as they were setting up the main festival stage, my initial impressions were kinda "Fuck...it's in a fukin cow shed"
Main stage (click pics to enlarge!)
Cowshed: Shed for keeping moo cows, not particularly good in the old acoustic department (coz it's designed for keeping cows), bit big, bit dark, bit dingy, bit err...cow smelly!
But... because it was soo fukin hot, it actually worked out really well as a 'retreat from the heat' and there were some pretty good bands playing, so I enjoyed myself.
Friday was spent ironing out some awful electrical problems as the promoters had been stupidly told that they could use the barm power supply. Errr...noooo!! Every time we powered up the rig, the whole thing would just trip out the electrics...nightmare!
Note to festival promoters: Never use on site electrics. You're just asking for trouble. Always hire a fukin generator...Always!!
So we finally ironed out the electrics at like 1pam (by hiring a generator) and then I went to bed under the mixing desk in the main stage FOH tower, where I kinda spent the whole weekend!
See it's not all glamour you know!! I made a little house between the desk and the outboard, kinda cool, plus it guarantees that your up and running before the bands arrive..
Festival people kinda sleep when and where they can, that's how I met the lovely Swedish girl (J), she was looking after the barn bar and was therefore sleeping on a mattress, on top of the beer barrels, guarding the spirits fridge (as one does?)
Ok, up early sat for a very long day of bands. Sunday was much more relaxed and the bands (up to a point) were really chilled, mello, and exceptionally talented. Plus it was red hot. A very memorable day that one, very nice!
Life's kinda built for days like that.
Soooo, come Sunday night, I finally got to look around the rest of the festival. Really nice site this one, you had: three more stages for various acts, the usual hippy types selling various hippy goods and some of the best festival food I've ever seen, you're talking Indian and Jamaican and a full fukin Hog roast with stuffing and apple sauce...absolutely fukin delicious (I'm still drooling at the thought)
Ok, sooo... On my return to the main stage, I find that half the equipment has been broken down already, including my fukin tower house. Fuck! evicted?
Obviously I hadn't paid the bills or something???
Right, so me and the Swedish girl (J) did the only thing that can be done when evicted from your festival house on a Sunday night...
We built a fukin new one!
With a pig front door, and a cow back door!
Superb bit of architecture I think you will find!!
Good way to start a relationship methinks. Yep, dispense with all the courting, dating and other boring shit... just build a house and move straight in with the hot Swedish girl you found sleeping on beer barrels in the back garden!
And why the fuck not!!
Sooo, we were rudely awoken Monday morning by the Russian neighbours at 5am who had been employed by the farmer to clean the site?? Bit surreal that one, but...there's a lot of it about at the moment!
Monday: Monday there was a trip into town for supplies and then a huge (feeding the festival workers) continental breakfast in the barn.
Then we did what any festival workers would have done with a bar full of 'Sale or return' alchohol: We finished off all the booze that couldn't be returned. That's like, all the opened sprits, damaged labels, loose cans, opened crates etc. etc. etc.
All thown down with a large quantity of home-grown Canterbury weed!
At 3pm, the bar kinda looked like this:
Bearing in mind that that bars like 30 meters long: I think we did rather fukin well.
We were all fukin sloshed to pieces!
And then some!
And then the rest of the week was spent with the lovely Swedish J and the festival promoter S in Canterbury in various beer gardens soaking up the sunshine and generally having a very nice time.
I have returned super relaxed and rather chilled out.
Won't last in London though!
Swedish J's coming to see me soon, so I'll look forward to that.
They certainly make em cuddly in Sweden, I can tell you.
Fuck this is a long post.
Festval highlights: The promoter S on an IV drip Sunday afternoon after no sleep or food for 3 days...Woops!!
Right, I have washing to do and food shopping and a swift pint down the pub to catch up with the locals...
Sooo, see ya Syd, you craziest of all crazy cats. For those who don't know, Syd Barr was the founding member of Pink Floyd, the greatest rock band ever to walk the face of this planet. He founded them, named them, introduced them to the London psychedelic circuit before completely losing his noodle on acid, never to return to the land of the sane?
Rock n roll stories! This guy practically invented the fukin things...
Although ( some people would kill me for saying this but....) I do think that Floyd would never have been as big a band, if they hadn't of kicked him out.
Anyway, cheers for the music Syd, we love ya mate!
Ok, this weekend I'm doing FOH (sound engineering) duties at the Lounge on the Farm festival in Caterbury. Should be a right laugh and it's the first time I've been out of London for ages sooo, tomorrow morning, grap me tent and me wellies and off I trot for a weekend of carnage!!
38,960 (approx lowest estimate) Iraqi civilians killed so far and rising in the war on terror???
Now...Tell me, who the fuck are the real terrorists, coz it's kinda black and white to me!!
Sooo, this is interesting, my American ex S got in touch with me today through one of my Myspace accounts? I found her quite my accident a couple of months ago searching for new bands and emailed her myspace account half expecting her to either A. Tell me to go fuck myself, B. Never reply or C. Dump her mypace account and make a completely new one.
But, she replied?
I nearly fell of the my fukin chair, it's been like 6 years since we broke up and I've neither seen or heard from her since, she like changed her phone number and email and home address in one fell swoop leaving me with no closure and utterly heartbroken. It wasn't really her fault though, I'd have left myself, and very nearly did at the time. I'd just lost both my parents and was being a real impossible to live with fukin pain in the arse angry little boy on a proper self destructive mission from hell (that's where I picked up the fukin drug habit!!)
There's a story of S part three, but I'm fucked if I can bring myself to write it, and I don't think I ever will, although I may someday.
So yeah, it was nice (I think) to hear from her again. She's back in the States again, which is good because I don't think I could face a meet, It just might wake that badly behaved narcissistic animal again, and I'd just rather keep him firmly asleep thank you very much!!
He was the sort of idiot who threw wine bottles at taxis and smashed up pubs in Cornwall, and spent the night in Paddington Green police staion and shit, really really not a nice fella to be around. Thank fuck he's not here any more...nuff said!
I'll reply and take it from there, baby steps and all that.
Ok, anyway, moving swiftly along!
O my gawd, I'm stage managing and taking care of FOH duties at a Festival at the weekend and I've just been sent all the band specs! I'm gonna be fucked after that lot, I can tell you..
More on that later in the week..
Ok, tomorrow I'm in the studio with my mate B and then I'm gonna meet up with little Aussie Dynamo girl for a pint, she's having a tattoo done on the small of her back tomorrow so I'm gonna laugh at her inability to sit down..
Photo by kind permission of Jason Hawkes, and his heliochopter...thanks mate. (click to enlarge, it's definitely worth the hag!!)
Ok, soo it's the club tonight and to be honest I don't wanna go! I'm still pretty pissed over bringing my promoter mates in to do that DJ Sasha night only to be told that It wasn't gonna happen coz of a bunch of stupid fukin bad haircut Indie kids doing their fukin stupid £2.50 on the door pants shite guitar night???
It especially hammers it home when I found out the other day from another promoter mate of mine that I was gonna get a £3500 finders fee for getting the fukin venue!! To say I wanna kick some indie ass is the understatement of the year! Plus the fukin bar manager is screwing us about on the door money and there's fuck all we can do about it, so no! I don't wanna go in tonight. I've got this niggling little feeling that I'm gonna explode and it's all gonna come out on the table about the way I feel. My stars said this morning that I should keep quite and go with the flow, not that I ever take notice of Astro-fuk-ology, but, today they just may be right!
I'm a little pissed off...can you tell?
Tomorrow, I think my mates having a barbeque at his new flat, but that's dependent on the weather, so we'll just have too see?
And...can people stop emailing me their crap stories? Do I sound like a fukin book publisher!!
Also...Something for the more astute intellectual readers out there, watch out though it kinda gets hard!! I've heard that the RAF use this very programme to train hand eye co-ordination in fighter pilots (don't quote me though, it's top secret n all that!)
Last..I'm totally with this guy , I used to live with a complete prick who would constantly steal my beers from the fridge and one night I came home from the studio after leaving eight beers in the fridge (to make sure I had at least a couple when I came home), this prick had invited his mate round and they'd both drank all the fukin beer?? I think if I'd had a gun, I'd have shot the fucker too!! Good job we have a no gun policy in England eh, just asking for trouble that gun shit!!
Last night we had a record label meeting down the pub and after a couple of beers it inevitably went tits up before the final fence... Oooof!
Everybody was down the pub though, so it was a top laugh (from what I can remember anyway?)
I arrived back in the house in the wee small hours of this morning completely sloshed and I kinda stood by the bedroom door waiting for the bed to come around!!
I'm still waiting for the studio to cool down after our recent British mini heatwave (sooo fukin hot!) , then I can think about doing some work from home. It's not really a viable option bying air-con in England as we get like 10 hot days a year here, the rest of the time it just pisses down with rain.
Ok, tomorrow I'm taking Aussie bird out on a date, not sure where yet? She says she just wants to go to the pub so who the fuck am I to complain. It's kinda my second home anyway! Funny we were in the pub the other night (no suprise there then eh!) and one of my mates had one of those recomended healthy drinking pamphlet thinggies, you know the one's where you convert you alcohol intake into units and then compare on the chart thing.
Ok sooo, things we found out:
The chart doesn't go high enough
In theory I should have no liver left
There's actually 3 units in a pint of Stella and not the half unit I'd always convinced myself there was ( I kinda knew, but hey!)
Me and my mates could be used as an extreme field study test group
The chart still doesn't go high enough
We should all definitely get a cab home ( no exceptions, you know who you are!!)
The little 'so how drunk are you then?' games, are a lotta fun (fell over twice, or was it three times?)
We all should have a private ambulance on standby.
Are we proud?
You bet your little ass we are!!
Sooo, this is interesting from the BBC in the Mac vs PC wars, actually as far as the Mac vs PC thing goes in my book, there ain't even a war , or an argument. It's pefectly clear where my loyalties lie and no amount of counter-convincing or stats or tech bullshit will un-convince or prove to me that your PC can run my G5 off the road. It just ain't gonna happen, call me a mac snob or whatever, but at the end of the day I'm producing records and building sites and doing art and music mastering and film editing and photo editing and writing and watching films and watching TV on a machine that never says no...ever!!
You wanna spend your whole life, installing and uninstalling and defragmenting and patching and fixing and updating and scanning and waiting and waiting and waiting....then buy a PC.
Sooo, Monday, donno where the weeks are going at the mo, they're just flying by?
Today I'm having my traditional Monday off after a particularly heavy weekend, what can you say about that eh! Fukin ran right up the flag pole in the World cup by the Portugese national diving team, then the national thug got sent off for being... well the national thug, and then out we went on penalties (again)?
Don't really know what to say about that? It's not like the fukin goals not big enough and it's not like your all not getting paid enough to get the ball in the above said goal and it's not like your all supposed to be the best at your fukin game, so what's the fukin problem lads eh? I tell you what: It's us, the great British public putting far too much faith in a bunch of fukin immature thugs who never left school with so much as a GCSE between them?
We have, and have always had (as far as I can remember) a shit national team who can't deliver the goods...always!
And...we put them up on a pedestal like they're all a bunch of bloody gods!
Ever wondered why our top British football team Arsenal (debatable but true!) has like two English players in it?
Cos we're crap at it!
I rest my case.
I'd written the world cup off before it had even started to be honest, can't say I wasn't a little disappointed though!
We do ask to be let down though, big time!
Note to the Portugese kid in full kit who ran up to my mate on the way out of the pub and exclaimed "Aaaarrggghhh!!" in his face: Sorry bout the nose kid, but I'd have done the same to be honest, ask and you shall receive and all that!
It kinda wasn't even worth carrying on drinking after that, the mood down the pubs was fukin awfull, my mate A was whinging about his broken hand and I'd lost my voice from screaming at the pub TV, so I just finished my pint early and came home.
I've just had a call asking me to go to Hungry on the 15th to engineer a band, and I can't go coz I'm already doing FOH at some Festival... Damn it, I could do with getting out this country for a while as well, oh well, nevermind!
On a plus note: I met some Aussie Bird Friday night and we're meeting up sometime this week for drinks so that's all good in the hood.
Ok, I'm off to do some food shopping as I've scoffed all the food in the cupboards and I'm kinda hungry.