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Friday, September 30, 2005

Stupid stuff that's happened over the last few nights !

Sooo , What the fuck was I going on about last night ?? .. Guess I was kinda tired eh !!

Anyway ... Stupid stuff that's happened over the last few nights !

  1. This doughnut DJ who decided that he wanted to play from the stage as he couldn't be seen well enough in the DJ box ... Fukin Pleeeaasse .. Talk about fukin vein .. Anyway we set him up on stage just to shut him up and I tell him to watch all the cables lying about .. Halfway through his set he stands on the lead from the smoke machine and yanks it from it's mooring on the light frame , it crashes down through the rafters , lands on his head and knocks the fucker right out..... HA !! , that'll teach you .. Completely fucked the smoke machine ... Nevermind , he gets the bill !!

  2. One of the twats in this really shit, amateur fukin band who tried to hit me with a mic stand cos he couldn't hear his vocals on stage throughout his gig .. The reason for this tit brain is that you couldn't hear your vocals because your "guitar amp was turned up full fukin blast " .. No No No !! , if you turn your guitar amp up full it is guaranteed to sound shit and nobody will be able to hear anything else !! It was even drowning out the drummer ( which is really saying something !! ) .. Needless to say trying to hit me with a mic stand when I'm tired and moody ... Bad fukin idea !!! ... Lucky for you that the security saw it all and threw you out or I would have been inclined to wrap the fukin guitar I had in my hand ( your guitar by the way mate ) around your fukin head !! I've still got the guitar in the club , and you don't get it back till you A. apologies and B. return the vocal mic you knicked as you were being thown out ... Fukin bands , big fukin children who like to spit their dummies out of the pram ...

  3. The girl making a big entrance down the club stairs who slipped ( in her four inch heels ) and landed right on her arse ... She then started to cry ... I'm sorry that we were laughing sooo hard we couldn't give you the sympathy you deserved but it was kinda funny luv !!

  4. The fire juggler bloke ( outside of the club ) who lost control of his " fireballs on a string thingy " and set himself alight ... Yes well , okey dokey !! .. Quote of the night " O it's fine I do it all the time " , Jeez , mate , don't you think it's maybe time you found another hobbie to persue ?

  5. And the grand prize goes too ...The pissed bird who tried to snog me in the bar ... I moved out of the way and she ended up sticking the lips on the cigarette machine , silly moo ... Yes , well , what can you do ?
And that's about all I can think of at the moment !!

Fukin long week though ... Still, all good really ..

Right , I have a club to run so I'm out of the door ... Bye .

White matter .. A grey area !!

I'm kind of tired but I copped this on the way to bed to bed and it struck a chord ..

Surely this can't be news ... In my opinion our world and evolutionary path has been built upon lies ..

eg .. Religion , warfare , politics , class distinction to name but few ...

This article classes this as a brain abnormality ... Ummm , I disagree .. I think it's brain normality in the extreme ..

I'm far too tired too explain .. But I think I have a pretty valid point ..

Read between the lines yourself's .. I can't be arsed to justify my thinking It's far too late and I need sleepy stuff ..

G'night ...

Watching : David Lynch " Rabbits " .. No Comment .. Watch it yourself !!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Welcome to the two week sound engineers Bootcamp !!

Sooo , My two weeks of complete madness starts tomorrow evening with four bands ... And then Wed it's a morning in the studio doing a TV show theme and then it's more bands and then Thurs it's a day in the studio doing a mix for KROC America then it's engineering a comedy evening ... Then Friday it's running the club and then Sat off and then Sun night doing more bands and then the following Mon another night of bands and then Tues a day in the studio finishing a mix and then more fukin bands and Wed the evening off but a full day in the studo with a client , then Thursday more studio and another night of bands and then Friday running the club again .. All 10-18 hour days , not including travel !! ... And then Sat .. Well Sat I'm gonna go out and get absolutely fucked ..

That's if I have any energy left by Sat ?

And that just about sums up my fortnight .. And on top of this I've got to try and fit some sleep in , eat some food , do my Laundry and fit in leaving drinks for my mate H who's off to America with her new husband ? .. My Time-clocks gonna be fucked after all that ..

Note to self : Ask H why she used to drag you into bed only to then kick you out again first thing in the morning ? Used to happen all the time ? .. Never fukin understood that one ? .. Daft bloody Women .. Really fukin fit though , I mean like big tits and like ................

So I may not have much time to post , but I'll do some stream of conscience stuff as I'm getting dressed with a bacon sandwich in one hand and a cup of tea in the other while trying to towel myself shower dry at the same time as making phone calls and reading my emails etc. ... Jeez Louise !!

I should really invest in a laptop , all the venues have WIFI nowadays ( so the promoters can keep working ) , and there's always a couple of hours to kill waiting for bands to go onstage etc...

I'll apologise in advance coz I can see myself getting well moody towards the end of this one .. Lack of sleep , drugs etc .. So if I come across a bit brash towards the middle of next week you'll know why ... Fukin allright !!!

On a plus note ... Some Japanese Director ( who's dying to break into the British music scene ) , is making me a video for one of my tunes .... For fukin free !! .... Top man !

Anyway , it's a late start tomorrow and it's half past one in the morning in London so I'm gonna kick back with a mug of hot chocolate and a DVD , " Breakfast at Tiffany's if you must know !! " ... Oooh Audrey , I luv you babe , you need me , you really do ... No , really pet lamb , it's true ... Me mam says you do as well .. Honest.. I'll be good and that ... Tickle yeah feet and everything ... You , me , box o chockies , couple of pizzas , even bubble bath if ya want babe ... You can sleep on any side of the bed you like as well ... I'm that easy !!

Listening too : Tracy Chapman " Where you live " .... Nice Album Trace mate , Very nice ...

G'night all ....

Monday, September 26, 2005

Mr Apeeling ( sic )

Sooo ...

They've given Peely his own day ... 13th Oct is now officially John Peel day .. Hoorah !!

For those of you who don't know John Peel was a legendary British radio DJ who had the balls to play music that cut against the commercial grain .. He would play music that others were too scared to because it wasn't " commercially accessible " ... Pah !!

He died last year on holiday and it was a total shock to all of us ... It's all we talked about for weeks ....

I remember driving back from a gig in Scotland and Mr Peel played the whole of my first EP .. The first thing I'd ever recorded and the first time I'd ever heard my own stuff on the radio .. I was sooo excited that I wrapped the car around a lampost ( cos me and my mate K were , A. Really stoned and B. Jumping around like Kangaroos in the car ) , It was still playing as we both came too as well !! ... Sorry Mum , never did get around to buying you a new motor !!

Sooo ... Mr Peel you rocked my world that night as I'm sure you rocked many new ( and established ) bands worlds in your long career at the top ..

Taa Kid ....

Listening too : Katie Melua .. " Piece by Piece " .. Horribly immature big production lame songwriting rabbit poo !! .... I'm at song five and i've really , really had enough of this toss ...

And .. It's off the Ipod and into the wastebasket for you my dear I'm afraid !

Hmmm !!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

So paper comes from trees eh ? .. We'll fuck me !!

Soo , last night was fukin wicked ... We had some promoters come to the club to do a new night and to say they were professional is the understatement of the year .. They arrived , completely toshed out the gaff ( making it look unbelievable ) , brought some great DJ's with some great music and a huge friendly crowd then after the night had finished around 3am , they stripped the venue in less then 40 mins got their stuff and left .. No worries , no fukin hastle just pure professional night people ...

I luv it when shit like that happens , it puts the ( I'm trying to make a quick buck for minimal work ) amateurs to shame !!

Note to amateur promoters the world over : You only get out what you fukin put in ...

Anyway ..

So the next two weeks is Freshers fortnight , so I'm gonna be mad , mad busy , so i'll sort of post when I can but I've only got 1 day off in two weeks !! , so that's lots of Bands , lots of madness and lots and lots of nubile young ladies to keep me company .. Woohoo !!

Oooo ! , it's a fukin hard life eh !!

So this weekend I'm off to see Little Mistress to get pampered at her place and chill out , the calm before the storm as they say !!

Talking of storms , you American types are being ripped apart at the moment , aint ya !!

Sorry to hear it , but if you all drive around in environment eating gas guzzlers it is gonna jump up and bite you on the ass one day ... And I guess that's starting to happen right now :(

Nevermind you lot eh ! , No but seriously " What the fuck are we leaving behind for our future generations " ..

I was chatting to some Siberian dude ( When I was in Russia the other week ) , and he was saying that the winters there are nowhere near as cold as they once were ... Ummm !!

Not good , not good at all !

I guess that's what we all are , Land parasites .. We rape the natural resources till they run dry , then we just move on without a fukin care ..

And no , I'm not preaching .. I'm sat here surrounded by consumer goods pumping out radiation from my 30 " computer monitor while sucking up electricity like it's going out of fashion ...

And bear that in mind the next time some dude gives you a Greenpeace leaflet while dressed in a plastic coat and shouting through a plastic megaphone that uses batteries or you see some tree huggers using their bicycle with fukin synthetic rubber tyres to stage an oil demo ..

Who the fuck do you think you are kidding !!

Best examples to date : Sting or Bono ( rock star types ) " Please , please save the rainforest it's so not nice to cut em down and your killing off our planet !! " .. Ok , so Mr sting and Mr Bono .. What the fuck do you make records out of ? , I'll tell you what " fukin plastic that's what !! " .. And how many bits of plastic have you both sold over the years ? , No , can't think .. Ok I'll tell you " Fukin millions that's how many " .. That's like millions more than the average person on the planet .. You are ( in environmental terms ) , Fukin absolutely crap !!

What you doing , trying to ease your own consciences ..

Please !!

I'll say it again ... " Who the fuck do you think you are kidding !! "

And while I'm on the subject of tree huggers .. I fukin hate these crusty squat types who plead fukin poverty but then run off at the weekend to mummy and daddy's mansion in the Cotswolds !! .. Fuck off the lot of you , with your dayglo and your fukin cyber dummies !!

Ohh ! , i'm so at one with the universe , sparkle sparkle , do some real action against poverty , give them your fukin trustfunds ..

Ohh ! , we've all turned up to stage a sit-in to stop this motorway from cutting through our precious land ... How did you get here ? ... By motorway in ya fukin cars and hippy vans , that's fukin how !!

I only buy stuff if it's really really green and environmentally friendly and shit ... How does it arrive at the store ? , in huge oil guzzling 18 wheel trucks mate , that's fukin how !!

Oh !! , lets take over this oil rig for a demo coz oil production's all wrong !! , Err excuse the fuck me , what's making that outboard motor on your little boat chug chug away mate ... Fukin petrol that's fukin what ... fukin doughnuts !!

Ha , save the rain forest leaflets ... leaflets !! , made from fukin paper ?

And as for the press , how dare you even print an article about saving rainforests .. Newspapers are made out of .. wait for it , wait fooorrr it ( big drum roll ) P.A.P.E.R.... , Paper comes from trees people , All together now " paper comes from Treeeesssss !!! "

Please , leave it fukin out .. right now !!

Were all part of the human chomp machine .. It's just a fact of life , deal with it ..

Rant over !

Listening too : David grey , " Life in slow motion " .. Lovin it !! ... top songwriting skills that boy ...

Right .. I'm off out for breakfast

Bye !!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Silly twat ..

Dear Kate ...

I've been trying to avoid this issue but enough is enough mate ...

I'm so sick of hearing about you
.. It's not like your gonna suffer pet lamb .. So you do a bit of charlie now and again , stone the fukin crows we're not worthy .. Guess coz your gonna be soo skint after losing all that work that you'll have to resort to sniffing lines with rolled up fivers instead of fifties eh !!

I met you at a gig once and all I have to say is .. " you may be fit to look at , but upstairs the boat has left the harbour .. In fact it was never actually there " ..

And as for your boyf ... Please !! One fashion victim meets another .. Recipe for disaster !!

Fukin models eh .. What a waste of fukin space !!

Note to Kate : Check who's in the room before you snort the coke luv .. fukin doughnut !!

And also .. Note to all of the companies who have dropped Kate because of drugs : You're all a bunch of Fukin hypocrites , No really , I bet there's a least half a dozen cokeheads working on your creative teams !!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Graphic violence 101

Sooo , On my travels last night I bear witness to that great British tradition ..

The pissed ( just out of the pub ) scrap ....

I felt the need to document .

Sooo ,

Fig 1.

Note in Fig 1. the scrap has just broken out, probably over some essential and well thought out completely logical reason .. Note the man in the Pink shirt at the epicentre trying to get the party well and truly going as the security guard referees from outside of the scrum arena ( Top man !! ) .. Also note man in stripey top bringing up the rear ..

Fig 2.

And in Fig 2 . The party well underway the man in pink ( now on the floor ) demonstrating the Half-Nelson hold while leaving one hand free to punch the opponent and scratch his nuts ..Man in stripey top now demonstrates the Loop-round and kick from a safe distance technique , by this point it is interesting to note that the security guards are , ( as one would express ) well in there mate !! .. Also of note , blood soaked flooring beneath the epicentre and token girlfriend in terqoise blue sleeveless top adding moral support to her beloved and his quest for that prize of all prizes a parade lap in the meat van and a night in one of Her Majesty's Hotels ( all free of coarse ! ) , followed by a full English Breakfast and a day in front of Mr Judge for the award ceremony .. Well done that man !!

And in Fig 3 . A copper tried to confiscate my camera for evidence so I told him to " fuck off mate " , and ran away ... Sharpish !!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Bad ass gig ..

Sooo , Sat nights gig was fukin wicked ...

Warren Suicide are a really vicious band live ... I sort of like that , it keeps you on your toes . I was really nervous as well which is very unusual as I've done shit loads of gigs before .. Strange indeed ?

Anyway so the band are just about to hit their first note on stage when the visual projector decided to konk out !! The projections are a major part of this gig..

The lampy started running around like a headless chicken trying to fix it as the crowd starts to get rowdy , you know the usual " get on with it !! " chants..

Sooo , after about five minutes the projector decided to work again ... Thank fuck !

By this time I'm thinking the only way the band can pull this off is if the music slams home so I crank the desk up another 10 db and waited for the first drum loop to kick in , and it fukin did !! , like a whale crashing a goldfish party .. Woohoo !!

From then on it just fukin rocked like a badass rock from planet rockworld !!

Top gig !! , quite fukin proud of that one ..

Somehow I think i'll be doing FOH for that band again ... Cool !!

I've never seen so many people try and cram in a dressing room after a gig in my life ( which is always a sign that it's been a good show ) ..

I cracked open a can of Stella , took it all in and got fukin plastered .. ( I never drink before or during a gig ) ..

We stayed at the venue till about three and then we all went to a private Snooker hall and drank till 10 am the next morning then me and little Mistress decided enough was enough and headed home ... We left the club and walked out into total sunshine .. Ooof !! like walking into the fukin twilight zone .. Everyones arriving for work etc.. and were going fukin home .. Trippy !!

We stayed in bed all day Sunday then woke up about 6 pm and ordered pizza and had a pizza party in bed watching DVD's ( chickeny dipper thingy's anyone ? ) ..

How lovely ..

She left and I went back to bed ..

And now I'm awake again .. Got a text message from B saying that he couldn't make the studio today ( thank fuck !! ) , so I'm just gonna chill all day ...

Feel a bit fuzzy but that's ok !

Sooo , Benny scale of fuckedness = 725

Listening too : Sigur Ros ( Takk ) ... Strange Icelandic ambient stuff .. Very beautiful though , sort of like Radiohead on skidoos !!

Need more coffee ...

Friday, September 16, 2005

No rest for the wicked ...

Soo , Just when I thought that I had a night off Sat .. I get a call of duty to go and engineer another band on Sat night ( talk about being in demand for fucks sake ) ..

All good though as the band is one of my Favorite up and coming electronic rock bands there called Warren Suicide and they are shit hot check out the site ...

My mission is to make um sound sooo fat that the crowd fukin explode ... Woohoo ...

But fuck am I tired ... All work and no play , think I'll get fucked after the gig ... Little Mistress is coming down to see them play as well ...

Sorry haven't had the time to post much this week , I get an hour or two here and there as I'm getting up/going to bed but I'm just sooo fukin busy at the mo ....

Next weeks OK , but the next two weeks after that are just fukin Kaos !!!

Not complaining though ... It's my career choice after all ..

Just remembered that I haven't eaten yet ... So I'm off out for dinner and then it's on to the club for soundchecks at four ...

Oooof !!

I'll try and get some pics of tomorrow nights gig ... Must get a fukin digi camera at some point ..

Anyway , no rest for the wicked ...

Laters !!

Listening too : Warren Suicide ( Trying to learn the live set for Sat ) ..

Yes ... Well !!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Weird shit !!

I had the strangest dream last night .. I dreamt that I got home from a night out and went to my bed .. but the sheets were arranged like there was somebody already in my bed .. so , I pulled back the sheets and that somebody was me ( in bed ) .. And at the moment .. I kinda died , but the person under the sheets carried on with life .. It was sort of like a snake shedding its skin but the snake lives as the skin dies...

Very ..very fucked up !!

It's been bugging me all day at work !!

Just can't see the symbolism in this ..

Am I telling myself that I need more ... Or am I warning myself to do less ?

Really fucked up !!

Just thought I tell you all .. In case something happens !!

Listening to : Filter ..

Hmm !!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Dentists and aircraft carriers ?

Hee hee , Soo got absolutely blotto on Sat night ... Apart from the pants DJ it was a wicked night out , did some drugs , danced a bit , drank a bit , danced a bit more .. Fell over , you know , the usual !!

Yeah , there seems to be a plague of shit DJ's in London at the moment ... Where are you all coming from and please can you go back there and leave us all alone ...

Note to crap DJ's : Start playing to the crowd and not your fuckin selfs ... I could'nt give a shit if you've got the rarest most hard to find grooves from planet groove that no other Dj in the world can seek ... It's usually cos it was a shit tune that only sold like one fukin copy in the first place you plank !! .. Just play to the crowd please ...

Rant over ...

So I got up early today and went and had root canal surgery at the dentist .. Always a winner on a Monday morning , never mind it's done and over and I survived and I'm back home in time for lunch .. ( which I can't fukin eat cos it just dribbles out the side of my mouth ... nice !! ) ... I'll give it a couple of hours and try again ... Hmm .. dribble !

Tomorrow I've got some client who want's to recreate the War of the Worlds soundtrack for some breakbeat tune .. I've been fuking about with it just now and it actually sounds suprisingly good ... Not big on plagiarizing other peoples work but hey it's all money in the bank and I can do it so why the fuck not !!

So I'm going to use the rest of Monday to do fuck all ..

Busy week this week ( apart from today ) ..

Two studio days and two band nights to do ( I think three bands Thursday and four Friday at the club ) so it's all go in the world of me ... Hoorah !!

I'm doing some stuff for a couple of Uni's in a couple of weeks for freshers and that's like Seven Band nights in a row ... Ouch !! , that's gonna be a biggy ... I'll be fukin deaf after all that shit !!

Note to self : Buy some new ear plugs mate !

Anyway , I'm gonna go and do fuck all , think I'll give the old apple G5 a service , you know defrag the HD , internal the kernal , poke the peeks , diagnose the flows , all that kind of shit... I know what I mean !!

Listening too : Lucasfilm sound effects library vol 1 thru 6 ... Just got past the Aircraft carriers and helicopters and now I'm onto the cats , dogs , horses , rabbits and chickens ... Interesting ... gotta be done .. got to look for the perfect howling wolf now and again you know ..

Meow ... woof ... squawk .... Oink ... grunt .... Arrrggg !!!

Also try skype it's fukin cool and free and it works and shit ( if you have broadband ) !!

Also ... Why Am I reading about this more and more on undergound news sites , yet it's not appearing anywhere in the international press apart from one article hidden away in the New Zealand Herald ? If this is right then it's so not fukin right , a case of " If we have em then were damn well gonna use the fuckers ! " .. Umm !!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Party dilemma !

Soo , we had a busy night at the club yesterday ..

There were five bands booked so I was running around like a headless chicken .. A couple of the bands were OK (ish) and the crowd was kinda fun so all in all it was a good night...

Didn't sleep to well though but hey I'll survive ..

Not sure what to do tonight ... Sooo many parties and so little fuckin time .. I was supposed to be going to Bestival on the Isle of Wight but I double booked myself and I guess I have to remain loyal to the club + It's not really worth going for one day ... Unless anyone's got a spare helicopter that I can borrow ?

So , I'm at a loss what to do ... There's some good parties in the city tonight but there's also people going who I can't really be arsed with ... " Can you produce this , that , etc. can you say hello to , this is my mate ... she's a singer , I was just wondering if ? " ... No ! , but I can do drugs and have a dance so just fuck off !! .

So yeah ... What to do ?

I'll go see the man .. Then decide ..

Think I'll take myself for a nice Lunch first though .. Fancy a Thai curry ... Yumm !!

Gotta buy a digital camera so I can take some pics for this blog thingy ... The phone camera just doesn't cut it , I was having a look at the carnival pics the other day and there all just blurred and out of focus and shit ( or was that just me ? )

Anyway , gonna get dressed and go for eats ..

Listening too : Massive Attack " Blue Lines " .... Classic , nuff said !!

Din dins ....

Woohoo !!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Are the geeks really playing god ??

I don't know about you lot ... But I really feel that this is ethically wrong ..

What gives world ..

Comments appreciated on this matter please !!

I'm one of those people who believes that the survival of the fittest is there for a reason ...

And that reason says don't fuck with me ..

Or maybe i'm being nieve ( always had trouble with the spelling of that word !! ) ..

Thursday, September 08, 2005

ipants !

Dear Apple computer people ...

Your Itunes phone is shit ...
  1. It only takes 100 songs ...Oooh stone the fukin crows ( that's far too much ?? )
  2. It's a Motorola ... ( Nokia people ... Nokia !! )
  3. It looks crap .
  4. I like a phone to be a phone and not a whizz bang gadget affair thing that tell's me when my teas ready and that my hair needs cutting ... Getit !!!
  5. So there ... And that's that ..
But your ipod nano ( Mork calling Orson ... come in Orson !! ) is soo sexy that Just want to put it in a little box and cuddle it ( especially the black one Oooo !! ) ..

I already have a 30g ipod colour but I'm thinking about buying a nano ... Just because I can !

Ooooo !!

On a darker note , today ( after the studio ) I'm off too see a mate that I'm a bit pissed with ..

About a year a go he set up a new company and needed someone to be a temporary director just to get the ball rolling ... You see you need two directors in order to register the company at companies house in the UK ...

" Yeah if you help me out .. as soon as it's up and running .. I'll fire you ( on paper ) and then it'll
just be me ... " , He said .

" Can't see that being a problem " , said I ..

Yeah right ..

He didn't fukin carry out his side of the bargain though ..

And now I'm looking at a piece of paper saying that I'll be fined £5000 if I don't submit my accounts for the year ? ... Yeah Fukin right I will be ..... Not !!!

This better be sorted or I will liquidate your company kid !!

This is not my fukin problem ..

I even signed my own resignation ... He just forgot to get off his arse and fukin mail it ???

Still , not a problem yet ( and not going to be a problem ) ..

For fucks sake !!

Right off to the studio to do some work ( Hee hee is that what you call it ) .

Listening too : Jeff Wayne " The War of the Worlds " ... Du Du Duuuuuurrrrr .... Doodle ooo Doodle ooooo !!! Top stuff ...

Note to Jeff : Can I borrow Richard Burton for a couple of voice-overs pretty please ?? , just leave him by the door thanks !!

Right work !!

Bye ...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mercury Rising

Sooo , we'll done Anthony and the Johnsons on winning the Mercury prize last night ..

Great fukin aftershow party !!

I've had " I am the bird now " for a couple of months and it's on my Ipod loads .. especially good for late night train and cab journeys ...

Guess the Mercury lot judged right this year .. ( Kaiser's nomination ... leave it out !! ) ..

Much better decision than the Roni Size win a few years ago that had the drum and bass community up in arm's ... Nothing like jumping on a band wagon and taking all the credit mate .. And Roni vs Radiohead ( nominated same year for OK computer ) ... I really , really don't fukin think so !!! Their like genius and you like bought a fukin drum machine and hired a double bass player ?

Not that I don't like your music kid but hey ... Everything in it's right place !!

Note to LTJ Bukem : Mate ! , your album shat all over Ronis that year and we all fukin know it ...

And as far as Coldplays nomination this year ? , Err , I think the are already established ( at least I think I've heard of em a couple of times before ) ...

And Talvin Singh ... You might be a great Tabla player .. But your a moody miserable arrogant little shit .... Twat !!

Take a look for yourself at what was what over the years and tell me the fukin Judges weren't on fukin Acid ( or back-handers !! ) or something ...

But this year I agree 1000% .....

So well done and I raise a glass ( actually a can of Stella but who's fukin watchin eh ! ) to your future ....

Woohoo !!

Oh fuck I've just knocked the fukin can over !!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Quack Ravers

Soo, It's been a while since I've posted a story ... and me and my mate A where talking about this the other day so as it's fresh in my mind it only seems appropriate to blog it ...

Ok , so it's 1992 at the height of the British rave scene and I'm doing a gig in Scotland .. The venue was a disused airport terminal not far from Edinburgh ( near Stirling I think ) .. Capacity about 3500 people completely off their faces on Extacy , speed , coke etc...

So I've just finished my gig when this guy approaches ... I sorta recognise this guy but I can't put my finger on where from ..

The conversation goes a little like this :

Him : " Hey , can I ask you a favour ? "

Me : " depends what mate ? "

Him : " can I borrow your keyboard rig for ten minutes ? "

Me : " What the fuck do you mean , can I borrow your keyboard rig ? "

Him : " I'm mim-ing a P.A. and I need to borrow a keyboard , R ( the promoter ) told me to see you about it " .

Me : " Err yeah I suppose so ... but you pay if anything gets fucked right ! "

Him : " Yeah no problem "

Me : " Ok then ! "

I still can't put my finger on where this guy's from but i've seen him somewhere before .. Also he looks kinda out of place here ?

Anyway , I go back to the dressing room and chill out , take some more drugs , snog some groupies blagh blagh blagh !!

At this point I'm kinda pissed , kinda high , kinda just been paid a stupid amount of money for a 30 min set ... All good ..

R ( the promoter ) bursts into the room ...

R : " You gotta fukin see this mate "

Me : " What ? "

R : " come with me "

I follow ... Into the main arena ...

What the fuck !!!!

Before my eyes I see 3000 people stood transfixed onto my keyboard rig ( a trippy enough site seeing a room full of people high on drugs standing completely still ) ... But , and it's a big but ..

There's a spotlight on my rig and this bizzare rave cover version of a 80's childrens chart hit blasting out of a 50k sound system ... And get this ... THERES A FUKIN GREEN ( yes fukin green ) FURRY REMOTE CONTROL DUCK PLAYING MY FUKIN KEYBOARD RIG ....

I'm stun'd the crowd look like rabbits caught in headlights , the promoters are stun'd the sound engineers , Saint Johns ambulance people and even the fukin obligatory peace keeping coppers are fukin stun'd ??

There's a green fukin furry fukin duck playing my keyboards at a fukin 3000 people rave ...

If ever I didn't need to be coming up slightly on acid .... It was now ...

Even though there's music blaring out of a huge sound system there's complete fukin silence in this venue ..

Ha !! . what the fuck ???

Ok let me explain this ... The Green furry fukin duck is a remnant of late eighties Saturday night British TV .. His name is Orville ( he hangs around with cuddles ) and he had a chart hit called " I wish I could fly " ... This has been remixed into a Rave dance tune ( god only knows why ?? ) and this is the tunes debut using my fukin keyboard rig ??

The keyboards have been recruited by Keith Harris ( his handler ) ... Thus the familiarality ..

I say again ... Ha !... what the fuck ???

Anyway .. The gig finishes ( somebody claps at the back !! ) , the duck disappears ..

Phew , that was close ..

So me and R return to the dressing room ..

R : " Tell me that didn't just happen ? "

Me : " I don't fukin know ? "

R : " Scary ! "

Me : " Scary ! "

R : " Scary !! "

Me : " Real scary !!! "

We go about our business ... Snogging groupies , doing drugs etc . etc .

In the dressing room there's an adjoining door and out of curiousity R opens it ..

There on the dressing table sits Orville in all his green furry remote control glory ..

R looks at me .. I look at R .... R looks at me again ...


Orville is bundled into a carrier bag .. His mouth duck taped ( sic ) for added effect , and smuggled out of the venue .. we'll that's what I was made to believe .. to protect those involved on a need to know basis ( you know how these covert operation affairs go ) ..

Anyway .. I sort of forget about this as the LSD takes its effect and go into the crowd for a dance ..

I'm dancing away when a hand grabs me from behind and drags me from the dance floor ..

" Where's the fukin duck ??? " ...

Oh dear , i'm being confronted by a very , very angry Keith Harris ...

" I know it was you , your dressing rooms right next door and you left a note "

He slams the note into my hand ... I'm on acid remember so I have a hard time deciphering the note .. But it sort of reads like this ..


This is getting very surreal by this point what with the LSD and shit ...

" Now , where's the duck ? "

" I don't know mister please don't kill me .... " , I say ..

" Just give me back the fukin duck " ... " he never swore like that on the TV " , I remember thinking ..

I can see R ... His pissing himself laughing and pointing to the roof ...

Ehhh ??

I look up to see Orville hanging by a wing from the rafters ... We'll , I'm sorry but at this point enough was just about enough .. I couldn't help it ...

I just keeled over in fukin histerics ....

Mr Keith Harris by this point is not impressed and he starts screaming at me ...

" The fukin duck , give me back the fukin duck !! " ..

" Honest mister , I don't know about no duck , don't harm me I'm only young and my whole life's ahead of me "

I can't even fukin move by now but I manage between breath's to point skyward ..

Mr Happy Harris looks up to see Orville swinging from the rafters .. R has the remote control ( which makes the ducks wings flap , thus inducing a swinging motion in the sky ) ...

" You can fly Orville , you really can !! " ..

Then , well then the string breaks and The duck really is flying !!!

Mr Harris turns the same colour as the duck , pushes aside the crowd ( like he's parting the Red Sea ) and makes a catch worthy of a word class cricketer to save the day ... hoorah !!

We all rejoice !!

I think I wet my pants at that point ...

He then storms off to the dressing room ... Duck in tow, grabs his things and storms out of the venue ..

Sooo , So Orville never did surface on the rave scene again , and for that I am truly sorry Mr Harris ..

Please find it in your heart to forgive me ...

But fuck me I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life ( well actually ) ...

Ha !! , Death by Green Duck ..


What the fuck !!

Quack !!

Monday, September 05, 2005

All better !!

Soo , I Spent the rest of the weekend with Little Mistress .. I left a message saying I was having a migraine and as soon as she heard she jumped on the train and came to see me .. Bless !!

I was still feeling queezy Sunday so we went for a walk out in the country , we found a nice pub in Richmond and got pissed ( as you do when you don't feel well ? ) ...

Think I'm all better now .. migraines are a real pain in the arse .. I get them about once every three or four month's and when I do It's all systems shut down .. You can't do anything apart from lie in a dark room and try to sleep it off .. I've got a mate who gets them two or three times a week , fuck that ! , I couldn't begin to imagine what that's like .. Poor sod !!

So I've got a busy week in the studio but I'm having today off and i'm gonna do bugger all apart from watch DVD's ... I'm feeling kinda lazy ... Just put Little Mistress on the train home ... Bless , she's an angel pie !!

Anyway .. I'm off to make a cup of tea .. anyone want one ?

Listening to : The Rolling Stones ( A Bigger Bang ) .. I'm a lot more impressed with this album than I thought I would be .. There's some killer tracks .. Can't believe they still have what It takes after all these years .. Go on Mick son you still rock even though you should be more like a fossil than rock kidda ... Dinosaur Rock !!!

Right then, cup of tea ...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Bed head !!

Ooof , I've been in bed all day with a fukin migraine ... Ooo that was bad !!!

I haven't returned anyones calls including Little Misstres's so now she's not speaking to me .. I presume she things I was out on a bender which would be fair enough if I was , but I wasn't ...

For fucks sake ...

So I guess I'm spending the weekend by myself ..

Boo !!

My head feels so trippy , but really not in a nice way ..

Think i'm gonna be sick again !!

Bye ...

Friday, September 02, 2005

Wakey wakey ...

Ooof . I had to drag myself out of bed this morning , we'll about five minutes ago .. Come on coffee do your stuff !!

So , I'm posting half asleep ..

I was having some real fucked up dreams last night , always happens about a week after an MDMA sesh , at one point I was in Radiohead playing the triangle in front of 10,000 people and I fucked it up .. How the fuck can you fuck up playing the fuckin triangle .. Sorry Tom mate , I guess in Radiohead missing a beat is all par for the course , but in my dream I got boo'd right off the stage ..

What the fuck was that about ?? .

Then I was back with S ( my ex ) , and she was shouting at me and shit ( nothing new there then !! ) .. Fuck in ell , it's only been like 5 years , sort it out mate ..

Note to self : Write the story of S ( parts 3 & 4 ) and get it out the fukin way mate !!

Yes , anyway ...

Oh yeah , i've just remembered that I have a club to run tonight , Oh goodie !! , guess I get to look at all the pretty bar maids ..

I feel kinda drained from that nights sleep ... That's not supposed to fukin happen ..

I'm going to Little Misstress's country retreat this weekend for some well earned ( well I think it's well earned ) R & R .. can't wait ..

She doesn't have an internet connection which makes me feel cut off from the world , probably not a bad thing though ..

Hope the weathers nice , we can go for a picnic and look at cows and sheep and stuff ...

It looks all sunny outside ... Always a winner ..

Wake up you twat .. c'mon wakey wakey rise and shine mate ...

Ooof !!

This is bollocks , I'm going to the gym .. That'll help ..

OK ...

Listening too : Filter ( Short Bus ) , lovely morning music " I think you'd be better off if you were dead !! " , great lyrical prose from the Filter boys there !! , nice one lads remind me too invite you to my Grandma's next garden party ?? , actually I don't speak to my Grandma but that's another story ....

Drinking : Coffee .

Feeling : Asleep .

Ooof ..

To the people of what used to be New Orleans : Quote from survivor " If you can get aid to Tsunami victims half way across the world and constantly supply troops in Iraq , then why can't you get help to the people in your own country ?? " ... It's been 5 days , what the fuck is your government fukin doin out there ... Absolutely shocking !! .... Poor fukin show Mr ( if I had a brain I would be lethal ) Bush ... real poor !!!

Ooof ....