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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Stickity sticky stick day ...

My gawd , London is so hot and humid today that it's just not funny ..

New York = The big apple ...

London = The big sticky fukin toffee apple .... Uggg !!

I went to the studio this morning and decided to walk a couple of miles in from the tube coz it was such a nice day .. I arrived drenched in sweat , opened the studio door ( it was about 10 degrees hotter inside due to the lack of aircon ) , turned on all the power , turned off all the power , and walked out again .. Fuck that !!!

If I wanted to work in a sauna , I would move to Turkey thanks !!!

Sooo instead I went to Oxford Street to buy a new ( sticky coffee button free ) keyboard for the old G5 ... Actually it's got buttons just not with .... Oh I know what I fukin mean ... Bloody ell !

Everything seems to be sticky today , keyboards , tube trains , door handles , guitar necks , London , ME !!

Double uggg !!

Soo now I'm back home , unstickyfied after having a lovely cold shower ... Relief is a four letter word !!

Although I am starting to feel sticky once more ... Damn the stickyfications of it all ....Damn them !!

Stick off you sticky fukers ...

Errr yes , indeedy ...

Hope it's a little cooler tomorrow ..

Gonna cook : Thai spicy noodle stir fry a la me .. ( in a non stick wok ) ..

Listening too : Radiohead ( all of it in a random nonstick order ) ..

Russia stalker email of the day ( yes folks she's still on my case ) : MY FOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I HAVE NO HAIRS!!!!!anastasya.

Yes dear ... OK ... actually she sent me some pics and she's really fukin hot ... No mate , leave it ... av a word !!

Going for shower number two ... the sequel ...

Oh yeah seemingly it's er National blog day ... errr happy National blog day then ??

Yep that's about the size of that ...

Bye ..

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Ouch , big sore head !!

Soo , That was messy to say the least !!

I have lived through carnival and have returned to tell the tale ...

So me and little Mistress partied from Sat night to Monday morning and stayed in bed watching DVD's all day yesterday .

My head feels like a tropical fishtank filled with many strange aquatic beasties , in other words completely fukin FRIED !! , that was a lot of fun though , we danced and drank and did drugs and fell over and danced some more ..

Bollocks.... I've just knocked a cup of coffee over the fukin keyboard , so now I'm typing with sticky keys ... For fucks sake !!

Anyway carnival , the pub party was unbelievable , the sound system was wicked , the drugs made everything go wobbly and the company was just plain daft ...

Unfortunately my phone battery ran out because of the number of people calling me ( mainly trying to blag thier way into the party ) ... So I couldn't take many ( if any ) pictures , I haven't checked it yet ... If I find any I'll post em , although they are probably just pictures of random people falling over etc.. coz I could'nt really see the fukin phone , never mind trying to work out how to use the fukin camera on the damn thing ?

I guess nobody got killed this year , which is always nice to find out .. We were near Meanwhile Gardens the other year when somebody got shot and as a white kid In amongst a bunch of Yardies it was fukin real scary , me and my mates were being watched ... You could feel it , thanks to the old police for stepping in on that one ... Ummm .

Anyway , I digress .

So yeah , the only thing that spoilt it was the security ( who were being real fukin arseholes ) , and the fact that the pub owners thought it would be a good idea to turn off all the draught lager and charge £3.50 for a bottle of shite Cobra fuckin pissweak beer , I hate being deprived of my Stella Artois and double hate being charged the equivalent of £7.00 for a pint of fukin shandy ?? , you twats !!

So me and little Mistress drank bottles of wine all day which is dangerous coz I still chuck it back like I was drinking lager ... Woops !!

Yeah , at one point the Mr Ego ( I'm harder than you ) security guard tried to kick out the father of the promoters girlfriend for smoking a spliff ( it's Carnival you prick ) ... The promoter B went fukin ballistic and the father was promptly let back in ..

Also the security were trying to steal peoples wristbands by telling them that they had to be collected as tickets .. Bullshit they were collecting them to sell to their mates outside .. Fukin wankers ..

I was having a dance when I felt someone shove me out of the way , I was pushed head first into a speaker stack .. " Out the way " , came the voice of Mr Twat Security knob person !!

Note to the Carnival Security bods : Your supposed to be there to stop trouble , NOT fukin start it !! , what a bunch of fukin losers .

So , by six o'clock the party was in full swing , nobody could actually make conversation , everyone was dancing on the tables , chairs , bar , pub roof etc ... the toilet queues were huge ( I wonder why ? ) And a good time was being had by all when the security decided to move everyone inside ( so we didn't disturb the neighbours ?? ) , of course by that time everyone had had enough and nobody moved ... The party vs the security , the party won hands down ... Fuck em !!

I think we left about 11 o'clock to go to another party , can't remember where or when or what took place .. But I know we got home OK , but can't really remember how ..

And now I'm home with a sore head and a sticky keyboard ... Wish I had some fukin pics though ... Bugger !!

Woohoo ....

Sooo , Notting Hill Carnival : 2,000,000 people , Rum , Beer , drugs , music , dancing and lots of daftness being had by all ...

Top ..

Right where's the fukin aspirin ??

Benny scale of fuckedness = 810

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Top Secret ( eyes only ) ..

Primary Target : Ladbroke Grove ..West London ..

Weapons : 2 grammes charlie , big bag of pills , 1 gramme MDMA , 1 ounce superskunk

Mission : Arrive with stash , take stash .. Partake in various forms of entertainment , joyous frolicing and mingling with the natives ..

Objective : To get plastered ..

Troops : 1 Londoncokehead + 1 Little Mistress

Reconnaissance : Bring back pictures of above said entertainment ....

Your mission if you choose to accept , will be a dangerously large sesh and a shit load of fun ...


Yes it's the time of the year when every man , woman and soundsystem crawl out of West Londons woodwork ..

Where your eyes turn to jelly and you body gets shaken to bits by sub-base so loud that all you fillings fall out and you poo your pants ( if your not carefull ) ..

Where the police try and be nice ( to avoid being filled in ) , and the women shake their booties so hard that if they were in water they'd cause a tiddle wave ... Splooosh !

Where the food is sooo damn hot that it's in danger of setting light to the atmosphere ( you crazy Jerky chicken people ) ..

And the Rum is so potent that it evaporates before it leaves the fukin bottle ..


The party of the year ...

I took an Aussie bird to carnival last year and she winged the whole time .. That'll teach you to wear hi-heels at a public event dear !!

Silly cow , not a nice girl that one , I took her out all summer to fancy restaurants and clubs and she never paid a penny . Then in Sept I was a bit skint ... I was investing heavily in a new project at the time and all my money was tied up , so I told her that I wouldn't be taking her out for a couple of weeks and she dumped me on the spot ... Fucker ..

Glad I realised then before she took me to the cleaners !!

Yeah she wouldn't return my calls or anything ..

So I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers with a lovely note : Dear Barmaid ... Find somefucker else's money to spend ... Lot of love ******

I certainly can pick um ....

Right I'm off to paaaaaaarrrrrttttttyyyyyyyy !

See ya all on Tuesday ( or Wednesday ) ...

Also in the mind boggling London cokehead up to the minute no holds barred news report ...

Those MIT genius's have done it again with ...


No fukn comment !!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Cocaine ..

Sooo , So maybe it's time to talk about the real issue of this blog , after all it is titled Diary of a London Cokehead !!

So here we go , Cocaine .. The fukin lowdown ..

This is what happens to an addict , to me ..

So I'm drawn to cocaine twice sometimes three times a week , not a great deal compared to some , but enough .

I don't really have much say in the matter !

It used to be a lot more but I've managed to whittle it down to an amount I can deal with and still lead a semi-ordinary life ( as far as my life goes anyway ) ..

It's all a bit Jeckle and Hyde which incedentally was written on cocaine by a cokehead ( Robert Louis Stevenson ) , it was written on a six day bender and that's fukin hardcore even by my standards ...

So , the cravings kick in without notice , you feel the demons taking over , the addiction grabs hold and you either try and fight it or prepare yourself for the inevitable ..

I prefer to prepare ( which means seeing the man before the event ) ..

You can feel yourself start to get excited , it's kind of a strange madness as your body knows what's coming and that's all it will let you think about ( The Mr Hyde bit .)

The addictions not quite as powerfull as tobacco , but tobacco doesn't alter your state of mind quite like cocaine .

So i'll go to the pub , neck about three pints and only then will I let myself have a line ..

Then BAM !! , the world starts to get real shiny ..Fukin real shiny ..

You go from being slightly pissed to completely sober in 45 secs ...

You feel it surge thru your body like nitros oxide thru a fukin car engine ..

Then you can be anyone you want to be , you can drink and drink and drink like a motherfuker ..

At this point most people start talking shit but I prefere to just sit back and watch the madness unfold .

I also have the ability to listen which most cokeheads throw right out of the fukin window ..

Listen , observe and assimilate all the shit that's going on around you ..

I've been doing it long enough to avoid the classic pitfalls i.e. Telling your life story to somebody who doesn't give a fuck , Telling your most intimate secrets to the world , Thinking that your gods gift to women , Making a complete pratt of yourself and the cardinal sin of them all..... Thinking that your the coolest thing since sliced fukin bread ...

All to often I've seen people becoming ( including myself ) ... Fucking unbearable in the extreme ..

If you can avoid all of that shit , and you pick the right company you can have some fantastic nights out ..

If not , then you'll lose all your friends and sink into deep fukin depression alone .

You have to do it in a way so as not to let anyone know your doing it ..

Otherwise you get labelled as a cokehead which is what you actually are but hey that's just circumstantial ...

And don't live in fukin denial ...

You are a drug addict so deal with it but don't be act like a fukin Junkie ..

None of this probably makes any sense to you , but it does to me and this is my fukin private therapy session and not fukin yours !!

So the night out ends and if you've played your cards right it'll have been a good one , you'll have done some business , made some friends , pulled a new girl , whatever ..

You go home , no damage done ..

If not then it's only your own fault ..

Anyway the next day is usually a bad hangover , and that's it really ...

The day after that is normal , and the one after that ..

Then , well then for me it all starts again ..

The golden rules for me are :
  1. Don't do too much in one go .
  2. Never do cocaine in a work enviroment .
  3. Give myself at least two days off after a bender .
  4. Always eat well .
  5. Still go to the gym .
  6. Make sure that your on top of cocaine and cocaine is not on top of you .
  7. Don't feel fukin sorry for yourself the day after doing it .
  8. Never feed anyone else's habit .
  9. Never give your wrap to any one else unless you can watch exactly what they are doing . ( otherwise you will find that they've done the lot !! )
  10. Make sure that your not running round with white powder all over your face ( a dead giveaway ) ..

Sad .... Not really , people will get addicted to anything , the gym , gardening , pain killers , TV , anti-depressents , music , alchohol , sunbathing , collecting stamps , solvents , cigarettes , coffee , boats , cars , fishing , fashion , shopping , quizzzes , crosswords , slot machines , horse racing , blackjack etc etc ... anything ... It all the fukin same , just in a different form ..

Although to them it's not addiction ?

Now that's denial ...

If been out with girls who get severly depressed when they haven't been shopping for two weeks ? , retail therapy , healthy addiction .... you tell me ?

Or one time ( at band camp !! , No no no ) .. Yeah fukin one time some ex of mine punched me in the car coz I wouldn't drive her straight home to watch fukin Eastenders ( TV soap ) , now you tell me that's not a mad fukin drug craving ?

For me personally it's Cocaine ..

Actually cocaine is far less depressing than Eastenders but that's another fukin story ...

I'll stop one day , I have a strong enough mind .

But for now , well I get to see shit like you wouldn't believe and have a shit load of fun at the same fukin time !!

Who fukin knows .....

It's all part of the lifestyle ..

It'll kill me though... I know this

Ummm !!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Hi kurumba !!

To all those reading what started out as my personal therapy session ...
Thanks for joining in ..

Feeling the luv people !!

Fukin ' A ' ..

Who was 10,000 ?

Grant Edmunds , who fukin else !!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Cheers Bob mate ..

Sooo , I'm sorry to see you go old boy , your work has touched my life in so many ways ..

You are an inspiration mate ...

I first laid eyes on your work in 1986 , and I've had a luv affair with it ever since ..

From the Modular to the Mini to the Rogue to the Memory to the Taurus to the Prodigy to the beautiful Voyager , ( you just lurve to squeel you naughty little minx ) .. Your work will not be forgotten Bob ...

Not by me , and not by many like me ..

A sad loss for our community ..

You have given me a lifetime's worth of fun programming those wacky machines till my head hurt and my brain caved in ..

Like a big kid in a sonic candy store ..

And I still love to do it !!

I was lucky to hear you speak on your life and work a couple of years ago in Soho , I wouldn't have missed it for the world ...

Take care Doc , and I hope you fly high to the Great Gig in the Sky mate ..

Cheers and thanks again ..

Dr Robert Moog 1934-2005

A fukin legend ...

Pre carnival budget shit ..

So carnival is a £600/700 weekend ...

Yeah right £600/700 who's he trying to kid ...

Ok , let's break it down a bit shall we ..

  1. Taxis : 3 days say 6 taxis between places at £20 average journey ...£120
  2. Drinks : £3 average drink ( one round , between say ten mates = £30 average round ) 8/10 drinks a day , considering you don't always buy a round and get one bought back ) ... four rounds a day plus extras = £150 times 3 ..... £ 450 ...
  3. Drugs : a couple of grammes a day £ 50 / gramme times three days = 300 + say two grammes MDMA £30 / gramme + 1 ounce weed £ 60 ..... £420 ..
Oh ! , am I over budget already ??

Ok considering I don't buy everything and share taxis plus there's food etc ..

I recon that's a £600 / 700 weekend no fukin problem ...

And that's just a ten minute breakdown ..

Rip off Britain ... No fukin shit ...

This city is damn expensive to live in ...

Anyone wanna re-calculate for their country .... go right ahead , I would love to see the comparisons ....

Listening to : Patsy Cline ( Best of ) , you gotta do it now and again ... Yeehaw !!

Drinking tea , wading thru fukin emails , no I don't need cheap Viagra , no my banking details do not need verifying , no my dick still stays hard , no I won't pick up your fukin money in Nigeria for a 30% stake , No ! the Tsunami was fukin ages ago mate you can't have any money ...

Go away ..

Bloody spam ..

For fucks sake ...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Tipsy in the sun ..

Sooo , I Spent the whole weekend with little Mistress at my place ...

On Sat she came over and we spent the whole afternoon in the pub getting pissed ..

Rang the man about 6pm and then we toddled on back to the flat , pulled the bed in front of the widescreen TV ( in the bedroom ), cuddled up and made the " Cinema of Lurve " ... We watched DVD's and shagged and watched more DVD's and shagged some more . We wiped out at about six this morning ... Awww !!

I had decided not to hit the town as it's carnival coming up and as carnival is a sorta £600/700 weekend it was probably best just doing the ' in ' thing this weekend ...

Soo , today we went round to my mate L's house ( the girl who was hit by a taxi in Berlin ) , she's back in the country all fixed and stuff ( nasty scars though poor dear ) , we all had Sunday dinner and drank wine in the garden on what has turned out to be a beautiful summers day in London ..

I feel a little pissed now so i'm gonna watch a film and chill out , I've Just put little Mistress on the train home she's gorgeous bless her cotton socks , she's my strawberry gwirl ..

I have the day off tomorrow so I think I'll go clothes shopping in Covent Garden ..

Fuck me , I live the life of Reilly ( sic ) ..

Listening to : Jack Johnson ( In between dreams ) , perfect summer music for a perfect summers day ..

Friday, August 19, 2005

Friday again !

Sooo , it's Friday again .. The weeks are coming round soo fast at the moment that it's just not funny ..

I'm just waking up with a cup of coffee ..

We had a good meeting about the club yesterday , got a lot of stuff sorted regarding promoters , we've decided ..

  1. No more outside promoters ( and nobody running off with shit loads of door cash , we need it for lighting , sound improvements etc ) , were putting together our own team for flyering etc .
  2. No more stupid drinks promotions without prior consent and a full breakdown of what there gonna do . The Hawiian beech party thing was fukin stupido last week to say the least .
  3. All Dj's to be vetted as to what style of music they play before they get behind the deck's , that means no cheeze , no fukin Rnb ( it brings a nasty , shitty , bling bling crowd , Ughh ! ) , and no fukin chart music crap ...
  4. We have superb staff ( barpeople , security , hostesses etc ) , so no real probs there ..
  5. No tolerance for violence and once people are removed from the club , they stay removed . You get these kids who , once kicked out of a club will hang around the door all night saying " It wasn't me , your out of order , go on let me back in I won't do it again , but my mates are inside ", they start off being all nicey nicey but when they realise there not getting back in they start to get violent , it's bad for business , so when your asked to leave you no longer have the privilege of hanging round the door . There's a nice alley down the side if you want to play that game mate !!
  6. This is central London so let's run a tight ship and try and keep it cool kids ..
And that's about the size of that ..

That was a meeting that i've been trying to organise for ages .. Guess it takes a night like last friday to kick everybody into shape ..

Ok , I'm off out for some breakfast , yum yum !!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Art mate ... Art !!

Sooo ...

These people know what time it is man !!

Right off to the club for a few meetings ..

Later's all .

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Minimal day ..

Sooo , That was the shortest working day of my entire career ?

Finishing the music to new TV car programme thinggymajigleatron ...

Got to the studio at 12 am , for the dreaded producer client ( TV director person ), meeting ..

I prepare a couple of edits too present , half expecting the guy to start saying , " could we do this , that , the other to this , you know a bit of woosh here a little bang there, a zooommmmsplickensharrp on that bit mate , make it sound a bit more Moby/Nine inch nails / Pink Floyd / Massive attack on that bit can you !! " ..

But O no , how wrong I was !!

Soo , anyway I've got half the tune playing and in walks the client ...

Him , " Whats that , that sounds amazing " ..

Ummm that's half the track playing mate ..

Me : " O it's just the incidentals for your show " .

Him : " No No No Nooo , That's it , That's the theme , that's the vibe , that's the cool , that's the magic !! "

Ok , errr that's a half fukin finished bit of fukin music that's what that is ?? "

Him : " It's saying minimal , it's saying speed , power , nitrous oxide , turbocharger , spark plug "

Fukin spark plug mate , where the fuck did that one come from ??

It's also saying one guitar line and a crash cymbal with a click track you doughnut !!

Him : , ( really excited at this point ) , " That's it , burn it to CD , you've cracked it .. "

I do as I'm told ...

Mr client heads back to his office at lightspeed to play it to the Marketing Team ... All outrageously overpaid marketing Phd's ..

Length of meeting : Approx 10 mins ..

Ok ?

So I'm sat outside the studio drinking coffee in the sun waiting for the , " yeah it's ok , but it needs a lot more work " call !!

Phone rings , here we go then ..

Client .. ( screaming down the phone ) , " I love this , the marketing people love this , the producer loves this , the editor loves this, even the cleaners dog loves this " ..

Errr Ok , I guess less is more then ..

Him : " Yeah we'll be putting loads more work your way , speak soon , toodle pip " ..

Toodle fukin what ?

Ok , PhD = PHukin Daft !!

Total length of working day : 1 hour 20 mins ...

It's 3 pm and I'm back at home ..

Great , I'm off to enjoy the sun and scratch my head a lot !!

Confused ..

Bye ..

Fall ' Will not delay CD '.... Well fuck me that's a relief , had myself all worried and shit !! ...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Stupid mutt ..

Ummm ...

Sooo , we went out for a quick drink after work last night and ended up getting slaughtered ...

I rolled in about 4 am , checked my emails , made a cup of tea and a ham, mayonnaise and tomato sauce sandwich ( seemed like a good idea at the time ?? ) , tripped over a towel and threw it all over the fukin landladies dog ( who'd come for a sniff around !! ) .. Ooops ! ..

Soooo , Here's me ... Pissed ... 4 in the morning and trying to wash a fukin dog in the fukin shower ...

So now all my towels smell of dog ..

Really clean fukin dog though ...

Great !!

I'll get my coat ..

Not back at work till tomorrow morning so I'm gonna go food shopping to stock up the cupboards ..

Spag bol a la me for tea ...

I'm doing some music for a new car show on TV at the moment , pretty cool but we keep getting calls from the director ..

He wants to come to the studio so he can " Feel the vibe man !! " .. Ummm , this always ends up with the Director/Avertising agent / A & R man / Producer , spending hours and hours fuking your work up and then eventually returning it to the original piece of music you had before they got their grubby paws on it ..

Completely pointless but totally necessary client relationship forging fukin exercise !!

Note to all Directors /Avertising agents / A & R men / Producer's etc .. : Fukin leave it out kids eh !! ..

Anyway I'm going shopping ...

Listening to : Roger Waters ( Radio K.A.O.S. ) ... Eighties over-produced toss mate , you ain't the same without the band. " In the Flesh Live " , is one of the only albums I've ever thrown away in complete discussed .. I hated the fact that you tried to recreate Pink Floyd by yourself ... Just compare , " Shine on you crazy diamond " on this album to " Shine on you crazy diamond " on the Delicate sound of thunder album ... Your version sucks mate , big time ..

Curls up in a ball as Roger Waters fans the world over flame the fuck out of me ...

Just compare the two tracks , that's all I ask ! ...

Off to shop then ..

Bye ..

Oh yeah before I go ... That promotor guy calls me up this morning groveling like fuck .

Him , " I'm really sorry for being pissed on Friday night , I hope everythings cool with the night and stuff "

Me , " It's out of my hands mate , sorry "

Him , " You weren't serious about that were you mate "

Me , " Deadly fukin serious "

Him , " Oh I've really fucked up this time can we "

Me , " No !! "

Him , " fuck , I got mugged on the way home as well "

Me , ( trying not too piss myself laughing ) ... " O shit mate sorry , are you okay "

Him , " Yeah just a black eye , lost all the money though "

Well suprise sufukin prise !!

Me , " It happens to the best of us , Oh shit I got another call coming in mate I'll have to go "

Him , " but .... "

Click ....

See ya , wouldn't want to be ya !!

Doughnut ...

Right ... Shop ...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Not in my fukin club ( Thank you very much !! )

Sooo ... Hoorah , I finally have a day off ..

That was one hell of a busy week , no time to breath ..

Still , can't really complain ..

Friday night at the club was fun , we've had a new promoter for the last six weeks ( real tosser ) , and I had the pleasure of telling him to fuck right off at the end of the night .. Wadda prick !!!

Here's what happened : Ok.. On Friday , early doors somebody had booked the club from 5 pm for a private party till 8 pm .

They had put £3000 behind the bar and they were a really good crowd ..

Mr New Promoter guy arrives with his schedule ( this guy has no fukin idea of how a club is run ) ..

His Schedule reads : 7:45 private party ends , 7:46 - 7:49 Club cleaned and turned around , 8:00 club re-opens ..

Ha Haaa !!! , mate you are having a fukin Bubble bath ( laugh ) ..

As far as I'm concerned these people could have stayed in the venue anyway , a full venue attracts more punters ( simple really )

But , Oh fukin no !! , the promoter wants to suck every penny he can from the door .... Fukin Idiot !!

It takes at the least , 1 hour to turn a club of round , you have to :

1. Get rid of 1500 people ( they'll ' stand around for at least 20 mins (( if your lucky )) ), before they leave ..
2 . Once they've left , you have to clean the club of all bottles , glasses , rubbish , sick , broken glass , pissed people asleep in the corner ..etc ..
3. You have to clean the floors and wait for them to dry ..
4. Give the bar staff a chance to chill out for ten minutes
5 . Let the sercurity re-group ..
6. Restock the bar ...

One hour , and that's only if you are really nice to the staff ...

Soo , at ten past eight this fukin promoter starts shouting at me ?? , " Why ain't the doors open , this is fukin ridiculous , I've booked the club from 8 pm it's now 8:10 , open the doors NOW !! "

At this point I'm ready to hit this fukin twat , he has no fukin idea , fukin amateur ...

Anyway , somehow this prick manages to get the security to open up , and about 100 people pile into a club that is in the middle of being cleaned .... For fuck sake , the place looks absolutely terrible .. Your talking bin bags stacked to the ceilings , a soaking wet fukin floor ( In a club with pissed people , that spells danger and lawsuits as Pissed Tracey fall's down the stairs and brakes her fukin neck !!! ) , and a completely unstocked bar ...

I lose the plot with this prick ..

" Are you out of you fukin mind you tosser " .....

His reply : " Well the people who were at the party had started to leave "

My reply : " Mate , that was a separate event you tosser , there not going to be chucked out of the club and then pay to get back in you fukin idiot "

A classic case of greed over common sense ...

In the middle of this , an outside drinks promotions company ( the promoter has booked ) , arrives and starts to turn the club into a TROPICAL FUKIN PARADISE !!!! , complete with BAMBOO FUKIN HUT !!! and INFLATABLE FUKIN PALM FUKIN TREES !!! ..

Oh my god !!!

The DJ arrives ( never seen this kid before ) ...

" What sort of stuff do you play mate ? "

DJ : " RnB and cheeze "

Me : " Fukin what and fukin what ?? "

DJ ( laughs ) : " RnB and cheeze "

Me ( not fukin laughing at all at this point ) , " Errr OK !! "

We have a regular crowd of about 1500 people who DO NOT LIKE FUKIN RnB AND FUKIN CHEESE !! , the promoter actually only brings in say an extra 200-300 people , and takes the whole door ( money ) for the privilege ..

So not only has this prick turned the club into a tropical paradise ( in the middle of fukin London ) , he's going to let rip with a bit of Britney and fukin Abba for fuck's sake " ...

Oh my god !!!

I hide in the office .... All night !!!

I come out at one point to find a Limbo dancing competition and a club full of Hip, 20-30 year old very classy punters looking like they've just walked into hell !!!

People are leaving !!

I hide again , in the office ...

For fuck sake ..

Anyway , the night ends and I'm having a drink at the bar !!

The promoter walks up to me , he's minging drunk ( unprofessional to say the least ) ..

Promoter : " That was a wicked night "

Me : " No mate , that was not a wicked night in fact it was like a fukin holiday camp !! "

Promoter : " It's what's happening nowadays , it's what the public want .."

Me : "Reaaally , not in my club mate , your fukin sacked "

The guy turns green .. I've just cut off his nice little £5500/night income ...

Promoter : " You can't do that , you don't have the authority mate "

Note to Promoters everywhere : Always remember that the venue tells you what to do , and not the other way around ..Thank you !! ..

Me : " O fukin really dear , and who the fuck are you ??? "

Promoter : " You're bang out of order , I'll get my people round "

Now folk's that was a threat , now I'm getting really pissed at this guy ..

Me : " Don't ever , fukin ever threaten me you cunt , unless you really , really know what your doing and you fukin don't mate so fuck off !!!! "
promoter : " You're all bunch of cunts you lot , I'm gonna have the fukin lot of you , you'll see !!! "

The head of security has overheard this , he grabs the guy and chucks him out/thru the door and onto the street ..

The promoter starts a scream up , he's left his rucksak ( with his money ) , in the office ..

" Give me my fukin money , give me my fukin money , you've got my fukin rucksak with all my money in it " ..

A bunch of crack heads on the street corner start to take an immediate interest ...

What a fukin doughnut ...

So I grab his fukin rucksack and throw it at him....


Promoter ( pointing at rucksak ) : " Yeah well , it's my fukin money and not fukin yours " ...

Not for much longer mate !!

You can see the crack heads start to fukin drool at this point , he hasn't even noticed them ..

Promoter " Stick your fukin nightclub up your fukin arse you fukin wankers !!! "

Charming !!

He walks off ..

Three , now very , very interested crack heads start to follow him down the street ..

I'd give him 50:50 of getting out of that one unhurt , He's lost the money that's a fact .. Crack heads show no fukin mercy and that bag contains a shit load of money ...

Tough !!

His problem , not mine ....

I have a drink , shut the club and go home ...

Don't know what happened to him , don't really care ... Idiot ..

I'm sure I'll find out on Monday !

Sooo , from next week were all back to normal , thank gawd ...

I didn't like that guy from the minute I saw him ..

Never mind ..

Tosser ...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

It's nearly party time !!

Soo , Today I'm being lazy ...

I'm just sat in the house , making music , drinking tea and generally doing fuck all ..

Hoorah !!

It's a beautiful day outside though so I'm gonna take myself out for a pint ...

I've just realised that in a couple of weeks it's Notting Hill carnival ... The party of the year ..

We don't really participate in the normal gatherings , I myself find the main carnival a pain in the fukin arse , too many people , too much trouble and just fukin awful trying to travel about ..

Sooo , we hire our own pub , put in a huge sound system , get some of Londons finest DJ's and PA's and kick the shit out of it for two days solid .... Woohoo !!

I always need about a week to recover ..But it's great for catching up with people even though we all get too fucked to speak .. But WTF it's carnival !!

Anyway , expect some great pics from what will be an awesome event + some classic posting .. You won't believe what goes down at Carnival ( especially when the MDMA powder comes out too play !! )

Right I'm off for a pint ..

Russian Stalker email of the day : HI,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HOW ARE YOU,MY SWEET?????I HAVE NEW MOB.NUMBER:************ I DO NOT KNOW,WHERE ARE YOU?????STRANGE... BEST WISHES,ANASTASYA XX

I'm hiding mate , from you !!

Listening too : Paul Wella ( Wild Wood ) , The Man .


Monday, August 08, 2005

It was all green and shit ...

Sooo , A nice weekend was had by all ...

Just returned from Little Mistress's Home Counties country retreat which was very quiet , very beautiful , very relaxing and very drug free ... Hoorah ..

We walked and talked and drank beer at a little pub by a canal ... Very English , very nice ..

We got sooo pissed and then we took in the local nightlife , which was absolutely fukin dire ...

We went to this club and hit " Chav Central, Sharron and Tracy land " .. It was fukin awfull !!! .. All European techno trancey crap and skirts that were really headbands !!

" Did you spill my pint ? " , " No Fuck off and get a life you fukin doughnut ! " ...

I've seen more class in an Ikea garage sale !!

So after dealing with that for Oh! , about 5 mins we went back to Little Misstress's house and shagged .. Funny really , we were having a laugh about the British tradition of always having a cup of tea after sex ... So therefore we drank a lot of fukin tea this weekend ..

I feel so stress free after that .. Amazing .

I think I'll spend more time up there , I'd almost forgotten that there is actually life away from the Kaos of Londinium ..

Anyway , I'm taking today and tomorrow off , too work from home and then from Wed's onwards it's back to the all-out grind of the fast lane !!

Ok , So now I have to deal with a Zillion emails...

Ouch ...

Cup of tea anyone ??

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I'll be off then ..

Sooo , Little Mistress has a new house , and that's where I'm going for a weekend of fun and games ...

So , I've packed my overnight bags .... And off I trot ..

Bye .

Friday, August 05, 2005

Don't go swimming in those rivers ..

Sooo ,

He he , right i'm off for a holiday to Italy

I'm in a hurry so no real post today , I have a club to run ..

Later's ...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

London cokehead fact file no .1 ( How to tell if somebody you know is doing coke )

Tell tale signs to watch out for in case your ever in the company ( Gawd forbid it ) , of a cokehead ..

  1. You see them doing coke .
  2. You see them buying coke .
  3. They are constantly running from policeman/aliens/blue cows/god like apparitions .
  4. They can't speak properly .
  5. They drool from the corners of their mouths .
  6. They develop strange relationships with bathrooms .
  7. They develop the ability to walk on ceilings.
  8. You are always finding little envelopes in their house/flat/cardboard box/yaught/icecream van.
  9. They talk gibberish all the time .
  10. They develop the ability to hover 2 feet from the ground .
  11. They float in the bath/tub .
  12. They can read your mind .
  13. They know things about stuff you don't .
  14. They start to appear at parties with really fit birds .
  15. They can start a car without the keys .
  16. Their always robbing bank's and/or shops when your not looking .
  17. They play strange music all the time ( with backwards mind altering lyrics )
  18. They turn orange .
  19. Their nose's falls off .
  20. And then their brains fall out of the hole .
  21. They have a new set of evil friends that you don't know about , yet !!
  22. They never sleep , ever !!
  23. They act weird all the time .
  24. They scream a lot .
  25. They screw a lot .
  26. They decimalise time .
  27. Their always late .
  28. And when they do turn up they will be on their hand and knees , ( just like a doggie ) .
  29. They lose limbs on a regular basis .
  30. They have lot's of vodka and Jack Daniels in the fridge .
  31. and never any food , apart from the ocassional tubs of hummus, a jar of pickles and a packet of gummy bears .
  32. They steal all the straws in Mcdonalds .
  33. They don't want to go to the DIY store anymore .
  34. They start growing strange plant's in the outhouse .
  35. They grow a moustache .
  36. Their always borrowing money ( till pay day ) .
  37. They start printing money in the garden shed .
  38. They hang around with Russians a lot .
  39. They buy a large dog and call it Nosebag .
  40. They talk on the phone of settling paperwork and about meetings in strange pubs .
  41. They buy a cat and call it eightball .
  42. They spontaneously combust at dinner parties .
  43. They buy a hampster and call it flakey or Charlie .
  44. They suffer a lot from a thing they call The Columbian flu ?
  45. They watch a lot of late night TV .
  46. They don Wellington boot's and build a spaceship in the garage .
  47. They become obsessed with mirrors and shiny objects .
  48. They can fly .
  49. They beat people up a lot .
  50. Other people beat them up a lot .
  51. They can lift cars .
  52. and jumbo jets .
  53. They take year long trips to the America's .
  54. They put strange things in the microwave .
  55. and then talk to it .
  56. They turn purple
  57. like a blueberry .
  58. They have no job .
  59. And are rarely creative .
  60. They go on month long benders .
  61. They become benders ( spoon benders ) .
  62. They wear dark glasses at night .
  63. They walk around naked a lot
  64. and have a large collection of porn magazines
  65. and DVD's
  66. They louse the abilitie to speel properley .
  67. They grow strange objects from their heads
  68. and watch tree's grow
  69. and paint dry .
  70. They develop a cunning ability to disappear for long periods of time .
  71. They practice Origami
  72. They think a gym is the bloke across the street .
  73. They start applying for media jobs .
  74. They cry a lot
  75. about nothing .
  76. They talk to whales
  77. and Welsh people .
  78. They often transcend into another place
  79. called Brighton
  80. They want to become a DJ all of a sudden
  81. They can't hold down relationships anymore
  82. or food
  83. They grow tusks and/or fangs
  84. and drink blood
  85. They get fat
  86. And loose their six pack to a four pack of Stella Artois
  87. They join a band .
  88. They are band from the band they were already in .
  89. Their goldfish die in mysterious circumstances .
  90. They only come out at night
  91. when it's dark
  92. like a moth .
  93. They sell their car's and never replace them .
  94. They develop an obsession with trampolining .
  95. They throw away their collections of stamps/doll's/action men/matchboxes/etc.
  96. They try to set light to things .
  97. They are always in a hurry .
  98. The shrivel up like prunes and spit puss at things .
  99. They become evil .
  100. They are evil ( make no bones about it !!! )

So you see folks , that's the way it is .. It's not really their fault .. Shame on all you drug pushers and dealers out there ..

I do hope this clears up any mystery surrounding the evil of the whiteness ..

If you do see any of the above signs in your friends and/or loved ones ..


It's the kindest and safest thing that you can do really ...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Mad ..

I fukin love this ... Taken

Russian stalker email of the day :

HI!!!!!WHERE ARE YOU,MY SWEET???????????????????????HOW ARE YOU??????HOPE YOU ARE OK!!!


I'm in my home studio babe , avoiding your sodding calls .

Help !!

Listening to : Me !! , that's what you do in a home studio .

Froggy Zen

Soooo , The usual weekend antics were had , went out , got bladdered , fell over , came home ..

Although I did bail out early , I wonder if I'm getting old ... Oh no , I hope I haven't caught lightweightitus , No that wouldn't be good .... Not good at all ...

So anyway , I got sent that Crazy frog album in the post today and I had a listen . In my job you have to listen to all types of music just so you know what's going down in the " BIZ " ...

Sooo , this is my full review of the above said crazy frog thingymajiggy ...

Don't know what the crazy frog is : Then consider yourself lucky ..

My Review :



Yeah , I didn't think it was that good really , a couple of ok songs but overall :


Ahhhh , that's better ...

So , So much better ...

Feeling the relief now , and .... tossing the Crazy Frog out of the flat window ..

And ... onto the street below

Off you go little froggy , toss toss ...

And .... Yes.... Under a taxi cab and ... Smashed to pieces ...

Gooood !!!

Feeling the love now ...

Feeling the Zen ..

Ahh .. Breath in ...Slowly .

Then listen to : Drawing restraint 9 ( A sountrack Composed by Bjork ) by : Yes you've guessed it Bjork herself ..

Which actually is art , and actually is quite magical ... Well done love ..

Phew , that was close ..

Oh bugger I've left the teabag in the cup too long ..

It's all bloody cold now ...

More Zen ...

And breath out ..

And .... Make another cup of tea .

Also : To the person who searched on Google for " Sign's of a cokehead " , and found my site ..

There are many tell tale signs of a cokehead to be wary of , the first being .. " Somebody actually doing coke " ..

There you go , now you know ..

All clued up now you are and everything ....

Off you trot ..