Sooo , This is my round up of the year that was 2005 , and what a fukin year it was ..
Ok , so we start with :
Favorite Albums of the Year( in no particular order )
NiN : With Teeth Gorillaz: Demon Days Kate Bush : Aerial Antony and the Johnsons : I am a bird now Sigur ros : Takk
Worst Album of the Year
Daft Punk : Human After All ( Totally shit and no fukin excuse with all the money they've made ? )
Favorite Films of the Year
Revenge of the sith th th th !!!
Worst Film of the Year
Doom... no competition really , it really was absolutely fukin shit.
Random List of Bands ( Live ) engineered this year . ( In no particular order and only about 20% of the total amount )
The Dub Pistols Warren suicide The Cazels Thee Unstrung Somebody's mind Gaudi The Towers of London The Soho Dolls Cooper Temple Clause Dogs Die in Hot cars The needles Yeti The Oxes The Bazookas The bootleg beatles The London University Big Band Doll face The inside DeeJay Help she can't swim Blood red shoes Hands'on Heads' Shinny rivers Colonel Basterd Unit Shit and shine I'm being good Hey colossus Sausage party El Presidente The Zico Chain MC Lars Test Icicles The Blackwater jackets The Lightyears 20,000 leagues Tactitions Oki Dog Rebecca The Strand The Hartes Villette The Arcades Tweak Stalebreak Elephant Juice The Modern Life Primitive Reason Lata Dog Kyoshi Icarus Burning Big Yellow Accidental Angels The Brights All you Miss Oracle La Maguina Silversky The chap Pipas Leila Music Es2uilax Trencher Charles Hayward Hella Egineering Credits for Bands ( Studio ) This year ..
Yeah right ... no chance !!
Stuff that pissed me off in music this year ..
Those Narcissistic Rappers who talk about nothing but themselves... Dull , dull , dull . I couldn't give a fuck how cool you think you are , how much bling you have or how many people you can shoot in one evening , change the fukin record , please !!
Music Industry plageristic cloning factories " Oooh , that was a hit record , lets knock out half a dozen clones " Safe market research based music production does not make good fukin records ..
Pop idol , X-factor , Search for a Star , whatever : Fuck off and die !!
Advertising people .. Nuff said
Stuff I've done this year ..
Started this blog
Travelled to Russia
Done far to many drugs
Spent to much money
Found a new girl
Made a few records
And a website
This particular list is pointless ... I'll be here all fukin day !
Stuff I want to do next year
Start a media empire
Stop doing so many fukin drugs
Travel the World ( again )
generally just have a laugh really !!
Be nicer to ferrets
And that's about it really , Soo everybody have a great New Year , and thanks for just being here ..
Sorry about the mess people , I'm trying to have a spring clean before New Years !!
Soo , the bastards are still gonna strike Eh ! , the're trying to get the sympathy vote by saying that new rotas will compromise safety .. Fuck off , let's face it , you all just want the night off you lazy Twats !! We'll ( and I speak on behalf of most of the Londoners I've spoken to this morning ) thanks a fukin bunch , your not only gonna spoil everyones night out but you will also fuck up all of the hard work that the people organising the Majors New Years Day parade have put in .. You really ought to be ashamed of yourself's , it not making our great city look very good is it .. Wankers , no really you are ... Proper wankers !! I'm thinking about hiring a private driver at great expense to me and my mates just so we can get about . I gonna send the RMT the fukin bill and I think fellow Londoners should do the same .. Yep , get a taxi receipt everyone and send them all to this bloke:
We're all gonna .... We are , seriously ..
You really better not start pulling this shit when we have the fukin Olympics ??
I know all about trade unions , my Grandad used to design Oil Rigs for AMEC and in the Seventies they used to strike every other Friday so they could have a long weekend ..
It wasn't right then , and it's not fukin right now ... Get with the plan Stan !!
Fukin outrageous RMT .. Nuff said ..
So today , Little Mistress is coming over and I'm takin her for dinner and then were gonna go see King Kong at the pictures , then on our return we're gonna act out the Jungle scenes in my Bedroom ... Woohoo !!
Oh fuck , I've just remembered that I have a dental appointment today; joy of fukin joys ...
Anyway , hope you lot enjoy your New Years , and think about us Londoners as we scramble for the nearest cabs ...
Ok soo , today I'm going to have a rant ( Oh no , here we go again ? ) about the esculating cost of trying celebrating New Years Eve in London , it's becoming a joke people it really fukin is !!
So , Me and Little Mistress or Little Mistress and I want to go and see some friends at three different bars in central London . Ok , " So fuck " I hear you say ( well actually I don't hear you but that's another story ) , anyway , ever since New Years 2000 there has become this stupid tradition of charging through the nose to enter bars that you probably visit every other fukin day ? , so I'm talking like £20 a bar... which is not a lot till you consider going to three and there are two people in the mix , that's £ 120 ( $210 US ) just on entry fees alone .. Ok , so on top of this you've got this bloody outrageous fukin Tube strike on the cards , so Me and Little Mistress will have to get backwards and forwards in Taxi cabs ( double fares in London at New Year remember ) . We're gonna travel in from Richmond which is usually a £30 cab fare so double that £60 and times 2 for the return journey £120 plus the journey between bars ( usually about £5 but double that £10 ) so , you have £120 + £20 + a cab journey to an after party ( usually another £10 times 2 for the price hike ) so £120 + £20 + £20 = £160 ( $280 US ) + £120 for entrance fees = £280 ( $480US ) , and that's before a drink ever hits my lips and on top of that there's dinner and drugs to be paid for .. Fuck me , that's fukin ridiculous; I could fly to New York and still have change ... Talk about rip-off Britain !!
Sorry for the miscalculations before , seemingly I can't add up today ?
So you kinda get the picture about New Years Eve in London , I'd stay in but I don't fukin want to , I can stay in any night of the week , it's dull !!
So , thanks to the RMT for causing an expensive headache in the Transport department and to London Bar owners for jacking up the prices , oh yeah and before I forget , they'll virtually double the price of drinks as well just to throw another spanner in the works; thay say " Oh but I need to cover the extra cost of staff " , I say " Fuck off you greedy twats " , I saw the takings in the club last year and the profit margins were through the roof . I was working last year , never again , the club can fukin run itself this year , I'm going nowhere near that or any other night club; I'm really not into standing 12 deep at a bar and waiting 40 mins to get a bloody triple priced fukin drink thank you very much and as far as working goes , I've been working all year and I want to go out , call me selfish , whatever !! I'm not even answering the phone at the moment coz I know I'll just get roped in: I don't need to work and therefore I'm not going to fukin work , also, I'm going nowhere near any live music event because the last time I did that I got roped into the engineering as well ?
So yeah , New Years Eve in London. Hopefully we'll have a good old booze up with some mates who are right up for it .. So the fun will easily outway the cost , which is just as well really coz the cost fukin sucks !!
Right , I'm going to buy some food so that I can cook tonight; Thai green curry a la me I think , I've kinda had enough of British food for a while ..
Listening to : Radiohead ... I'm always listening to fukin Radiohead , please! please! please! can we have a new Radiohead album next year Thom mate , it really is about time kidda !! ( or Kid A ... )
Hoorah , it's over ... Till next year at least. Somebody give me an I got through Christmas and survived badge ..
Please , no more turkey , I'm starting to look like one ..
Sooo , that was kinda fun , took Little Mistress for dinner on Christmas Eve and then we went to her parents on Christmas Day which was kinda fun , nice bunch of people , I absolutely stuffed my face with Turkey dinner, then we had a little quiz and stuff . Me and Little Mistress just chilled out for the rest of the time . She bought me a very nice digital camera for Christmas ( so expect lots more pics ) and I bought her a pair of black leather Pied A Terre boots ( she looks hot in them , sizzle sizzle !!) Her brother has this Peruvian girlfriend who spent the whole time adding Tabasco fukin sauce to everything that she ate , including the Christmas turkey diner ? Which to be honest I found a little insulting to the chef ( Little Mistresses Mum ) but it wasn't really my place to say anything ...I've seen it all now !!
I travelled back last night and I'm gonna chill for a few days , maybe do a bit of shopping or something and then , well then it's gonna be New Years innit ... I'll be glad to get this holiday out of the way to be honest coz I find it a lot more stressfull than normal; not the chilling out bit but just the shopping( London shopping is a nightmare at Christmas ) and the " where are we gonna go for New Year " bit ... That's If we can actually get anywhere !!
London Underground are still threatening to strike on New Year they say it's " Necessary " , fuck off is it necessary , necessary for fukin what exactly ?
Note to the RMT : Fukin av a word with yourselves will ya !! If you strike on New Year , your gonna fuck it up for the whole of London and that to me is just so fukin selfish that it's just not funny . My recommendation if they strike : Sack the fukin lot of them !!
Oh , and the fukin great British postal service have managed to loose my Christmas presents from my sister AGAIN !!! , happened last year as well .. Fuckers !! What the fuck is going on with this country ?
Dear post office : Can you please stop employing foreigners who fukin nick all the bloody mail , This years tally : 2 mobile phones , 1 load of Christmas presents , 3 cheque books , 5 bank cards and virtually every fukin CD and parcel that wasn't registered that I've been sent this year . What the fuck is going on with you lot eh !! I cornered the post man earlier in the year coz I'd had enough , and you know what , the fuker couldn't speak a word of English , there's your fukin problem , right there ?
Ok , I'm gonna go and have some food and watch a film ..
I'm doing no more edits , I'm taking no more business calls , I'm not answering any more e-mails and I'm going to no more bloody parties .. I'm knackered and I've had enough thanks ..
Soo , I finally managed to get all my shopping done , good job London stays open late eh , and now I'm gonna relax , do my laundry , wrap some pressies and then do fuck all for at least a week ..
I'm off to Little Mistresses for Christmas , haven't even seen her for like two weeks so I'm missing her .. It's meet the parents time which should be kinda interesting , don't really know what to expect ( and neither do they ? ) , but I'm sure it'll be all fun and I've even bought a new jumper for the occasion ..
Soo , I get to spend my Christmas out of London in the Home Counties , Ya never know , I may even get to see a tree or something , or a bit of green , or a sheep , yeah man ... A fukin sheep , I'm liking the sound of that , it's been a while ... Baaa !!!
So it's bye bye London for a few days and hello sheep ..
To be honest with you all , the older I get , the more and more I'm finding Christmas just one big stress ball , there's all this anticipation and excess , and for what ? A couple of sparkly things and a fukin dead turkey ..
Jesus Christ .... I'd like to find out who's responsible for Christmas ?
Talk about having a laugh ..
I know , I sound like a Scrooge ... I'm not , It's just that it kinda disrupts the flow a bit , Ok , you spend to much , you eat to much , you do to many drugs , you drink to much , you feel the need to be doing something special all the fukin time .. It's a bit of a pain in the arse really .. I'm sat here typing this and I feel fukin drained and we haven't even got to the big day yet ??
Anyway , enough of the misery guts me ...
I'm not gonna post for a few days , Little Mistresses pad is internet free so I guess you won't be hearing from me , but I'm sure you'll all live ..
Sooo , Have a lovely Christmas one and all and don't do anything I wouldn't do ( which is like ... Errr , nothing !! )
Happy Chrimbo ..
Ho Fukin Ho !!
Oooo ..... I been nominated for this... You can vote for me if you want , ya know it's only right !!
Ok , soo , I'm supposed to be Christmas shopping but I'm sat in the house waiting for some director to stop fannying around with his bloody edits for this TV theme tune we're doing .. I'm starting to get slightly pissed with this dude ..
As far as I'm concerned the track and the opening title scene looked good two days ago and every time it gets a new edit it's getting worse ..
You know , I really , really have more things to do than wait around for this guy , you may still be at work mate but as far as I'm concerned , I should have finished last bloody Friday ...
So , I'm a tad frustrated and pretty pissed off ...
I know exactly what's happening down in that little Soho edit suite , this guy is draging the job out because he doesn't want to be given a new assignment before he breaks up for Christmas .. Which is fine , but , don't fukin drag the rest of us along as well mate .. You and I know perfectly well that the title sequence looked shit hot on Friday , but every time you decide to loose a tenth of a second ( which makes no fukin difference at all ) , I have to rewrite the whole fukin track because it all goes out of fukin sync !!!
So just get the fuck on with it and let me get on with my holiday , and please , don't even think about going down the pub for a three hour lunch like yesterday afternoon : it's a little frustrating because I have to wait in like a fukin mushroom till you get back ....
I need too take a chill pill people , badly ...
Bloody silly season ..
So what else has been happening ? , Well , I met up with my mate D on Monday night for a " quick " drink ... arrived back in the house Tues evening .. Woops .. We had a right laugh though and caught up on a lot of shit and apart from that , just doing this bloody edit , I really , really need to go Christmas shopping though ..
O well , nevermind ...
Also , This should never be allowed to happen ... The RMT are always trying to fuck up the tube on special occasions , as far as I'm concerned essential services should never be allowed to strike , ever !! It just fucks it up for everyone else ... The greater good and all that eh !!!
Right , checks email ... No reply from Soho yet ??
Arrrggh , Just get the fuck on with it will you; I'm getting really , really bored now mate !!
I'm so glad I don't do advertising anymore , It's like this but ten times worse as you have a whole pile of "creative? " types who can ( and will , always ) throw a spanner in the fukin works ..
On Friday on my way to the club I get a call on my mobile ..
" Hi I'm calling from ****** music , on behalf of ****** , and I'm wondering if you could swing by in the next few days and pick up a royalty cheque from us "
Me : " Yeah , no problem , I'm actually in the area so I could drop in on my way to work his afternoon if that's ok with you ? "
Them : " Ok , ***** is actually in Soho for the afternoon but I'm sure he won't mind if I issue you with the cheque , I'll see you soon then "
Ok , so , I'm intrigued , not only can I pick up a cheque , I can pick it up without having to come face to face with prick face ....
So I toddle over to his offices to pick up this so called cheque ?
I arrive , I'm made coffee and I sit and wait for this manager girl to pick me up from reception. Nothing has changed in this place , I'm sat watching the four or five employes : I get a few " Oh hey , where've you been hiding , how are you etc.. , we miss you " balgh ,blagh fukin blagh !!!!
I'm looking at these people and you know when you're in a really stressfull place and you can feel it in the air ... That's what I'm feeling here ..These bods are looking so stressed out .. It just ain't comfortable and it reminded me of when I used to work with this guy ( not for him , with him ) and I'm just sat thinking " I'm sooo fukin glad I'm not a part of this shit anymore .. Fukin advertising , who needs it !! as far as I'm concerned : making music should be about fun and when it's not , it's just not worth the effort ... No matter how good the money is ..
Anyway , I digress ..
Miss Manager girl comes over and hands me this cheque ... " Sign hear please , This is your statement as well " , I've still no idea how much this cheque is for ( it's in an envelope ) and I'm British , so of course it would be rude too ask ..
Anyway I take what's mine , say my goodbye and leave the office ..
Funny really as I'm walking out , the guy who took over doing all the music ( on a normal wage and not a 50/50 royalty splitt I might add ) , comes walking back into the office and see's me coming out , his face just drops ..
Him ( very shaky voice ) : " Errr Hi , what you doing here ? "
Me : " Oh you know , just passing through .. See ya !! "
Hoo , hoo , hoo .. I'm not being big headed , but as far as music production goes : I can safely say that I can leave this guy standing like a wet bag of sand on a building site and he fukin knows it : Your just not in the same league kid ...
Soo , I walk out of that place and open the envelope , not bad , not bad at all , not in the tens of thousands of pounds , but not far off : And not a bad Christmas bonus at all , especially when I wasn't expecting it ..
So I get a call from " That bloke " on my way to work , I put the phone straight onto answer message ..
Him ( well his message ) : " Damn it mate , I really , really wanted to see you when you picked up the royalties .. call me when you get a minute "
I haven't , and I don't think that I will either : You know , life is just too short to be dealing with egomaniac , workaholic stress merchants , they just rub their shit onto you and you end up feeling the same way. After just ten minutes in his office I could already feel the old blood pressure creeping ... All I wanna do is make fukin music !!
Thanks mate .. But no thanks : I'll just go shopping instead ..
So , on that note I'm off to eat the Leek , Ham and potato soup that I've been cooking all afternoon .. Yum , Yum ..
Strange searches that get people to my Blog Part 1 ...
Sooo , nothing really happened in the venue last night , so we just sat and watched Narnia on the video wall in room 2 ..
It was well funny watching the Lion The Witch and the Wadrobe with the ( huge ) venue doormen ... The bit where the Lion jumps on the Queen and they were all like " Hoooraay !! " ...
Fukin big softies really ...
So todays post is :
Strange searches that get people to my Blog Part 1 ...
Ok , so this list was compiled over the last two weeks ( exactly as they appeared ) :
Horse-lover-gift-ideas-central check mic one two one two keith harris duck off fuck off yardies cokehead stockbroker old timey street lamppost wakey+wakey+rise+and+shine how to take care of your nose after doing cocaine santas grotto london parents fukin there so childrens mates once a coke head always a coke head DILDOE CAMERA John Peel was a cokehead "strange pubs" toilet aircraft wish dj fu-kin older men fukin little boys what it feels like coming of cocaine after being addicted what kind of bird is Keith Harris' Orville Why did I get my phone knicked thai green curry keeps you awake am i a paedophile prepare line cocaine how cocaine makes you shit yourself all sexy chop in london uk making cocaine wraps for nights out fuck you coz everyones a hero" did you say meow supper trooper laddo recipe wolf fuking girl sheep fuker fuking in dressing room where to buy extacy in london You’ve Bin Kicked In The Nuts women fukin horses soundtrack of diary of a mad black women dear diary went to the club did a bump] Sugar babes " push the button " ( You search this and get to me ?? positive proof that nobody actually bought this fukin record ) poor guy small boy and girl sex fukin about what happened the day guy fawkes was torchered bouncer get shot in london loving a cokehead mate swappings ass gig radio "toes sucked" show the barmaid was spanked for stealing how to kill a lampost fuker detox drinks in portobello rd jamie oliver chilli con carne drunk again stupid hero pics what does the brain look like on extacy after a year "impregnated by a dog"
There's some weirdo fukers out there in Netland and that's all I'm saying about that !!
Right , I have a club to run so I'm out of the door people ..
On Monday before I went to the venue , Me And B knocked up this TV show theme tune thing at my house ..
So , I wake up this morning and the guy wants a couple of bits changed .. Now normally this would have involved a trip to the studio , making the changes , putting the thing on a cd , waiting for a courier to arrive , giving him the CD and then waiting for it to arrive at it's destination to be evaluated and then there'd be a couple more calls and the process would all start again ( it gives the producer far too much time to change his mind about what he wants !! )
Anyway back to this morning , I get an email , we want this , this , and this changed , so , I pull up the mix , do the changes whack it in a dropbox ,send it off and go back to bed for an hour , total time approx 10 mins ... Not even enough time for the producer to take a shit and because it's done soo fast ; he hasn't had time to change his mind ..
From initial idea to finished product synced to his TV prog in half an hour ...
Gawd do I lurv the fukin internet !!!
Anyway , last nights band night was truly atrocious ...
I don't know why , but at Christmas these people come out of the woodwork and proclaim to be band night promotors , but , their just fukin not ..
Ok so , it all starts when I get to the venue and the sound system is already up and running , strange , it usually my job to boot it all up : I check out who's behind this ??
I walk into the mixing booth , there's this kid ( about 17 ) fiddling with the desk ..
Kid ; " Oh I hope you don't mind mate , I turned on all the rig so I could have a listen "
Me : " And er , who the fuck are you ? "
Kid : " Oh I'm engineering the first band , it's my first gig "
Me : " What first with this band , or first ever ? "
Kid ; " A bit of both really "
Oh fukin ell !!
At this point I notice the graphics ( the things I was on about yesterday )
THEY'VE BEEN FUKIN RESET !!!!
Me : " Who the fukin fuck reset those graphics ???? "
Kid ; " Oh yeah , me , I thought I would start from fresh with this band "
WRONG FUKIN ANSWER !!!
Imagine if you've just cleaned your house or washed your car and somebody dumps a skip full of rubbish in the middle/on top of it ... That kinda wrong fukin answer !!!
Me : " You thought fukin what !!! , I spent 3 hours ringing out the fukin system last night and you've just completely fucked it up you fukin little shit .. get the fuck out of this sound booth , NOW !! "
He disappears sharpish ..
Oh for crying out loud , does this shit ever fukin end ..
Please somebody tell me where I can find a copy of " The Boy Scouts Guide to Sound Engineering " so I can track down the author and fukin throttle him ... Especially for the chapter that says .. When first entering a venue .. Reset everything in the room to zero and then make friends with the in house engineer as to avoid him hanging you from the fukin lighting frame !! "
Soo , I stand in front of the graphics and mentally retrace last nights steps to try and redo what this little fucker has undone ..
Ok , what frequencies did I notch out ?
I'm actually glad that I wrote that post on graphics because luckily for me , as I was writing I must have been mentally picturing what I had done last night , so it was still very fresh in my mind ..
So I start to reconfigure the graphics ... Like I've got nothing else better to fukin do ??
The kid returns .. " I'm really sorry mate , is there anything I can do to help ? "
Me : " Err no I think you've done just about enough already thanks .. actually though mate , there is "
I decide to cut this kid some slack , after all , we all fuck up sometimes and he's young and enthusiastic " and " , I could do with a hand really ..
So , I draw him a little stage plan and give him the keys to the gear room .. ( the room with all the mics , monitors , cables etc )
Me : " Right kid , you can get back in my good books by following this plan and setting up the stage exactly as it is in this diagram ... EXACTLY though mate , don't get any ideas that you have a better way of doing this "
KId : Coooollll , I'm on it captain !! "
He salutes me with a big grin on his face and toddles off to the stage ...
Fair play to this kid though , when I get to the stage ( after half an hour of correcting the graphics ) , apart from one wrong mic used on the kick drum stand it's pretty near perfect ..
Me : " Outstanding young man , now fuck off !!! "
He laughes , we laugh , everybody laughs ..
Ha Haaa !!!
So I gained a little apprentice for the night which was ok I suppose , we got kinda pissed later on and I told him rock n roll stories about life on the road , he just stood there with his jaw on the floor going " Really , they/you did what , that's fukin mad !!" etc. etc .
Oh yes , and the bands ... All crap ... Really crap ..
I'm watching this girl singer and as she finishes onstage and accidentally ( or so she makes it look ) knocks over one of the mic stands . I then look in disbelief as she then removes the mic and slips it into her bag ... Fukin tea leaf or what !!
Oh Oh ... I make my way to the stage and grab her arm as she's making her way out of the fire exit ..
Me : " Something you wanna tell me mate "
Her : " Pardon ? "
Me : " Are you like taking that mic off to be serviced or something dear "
Her " What mic , I don't know what you're on about ? "
Now I don't know about you lot , but I fukin hate tea leaves , especially lying fukin tea leaves !!
I grab her bag and empty the contents out onto the stage ..
Me : " That fukin mic "
Her : " What the fuck you doin , that's my mic !! "
I unscrew the mic ..
Me : " Oh , is that why it's got the venue name etched on the inside of the casing ?? "
Note to all live sound enginners : Take an hour out one day and mark up every cable , mic , DI box , stand etc. in the venue in a way that only you can recognise and out of plain site ( so it can't be removed by band members/punters/chancers etc. )
Her : " But , but ?? "
Me : " it's a good job you're a fukin girl mate , now fuck off out of my site luv !!! "
Fukin thiefs !!!
To be honest , I was glad when last night was over , coz it fukin sucked ..
Ok , so tonight is an easy peezy night , one partie , no bands etc , a simple case of turn everything on , have a drink and then turn it all off again at the end of the night ...
I've got a copy of Narnia to watch ( with a couple of the doormen ) on the video wall ... Their won't be any trouble tonight , it's a classy advertising firm ( well , you say that !! )
Sooo , I'm gonna go have some lunch and then I'm off to work ..
There was a Christmas party in the little room ( which was toss ) , a couple of hundred people and a DJ who was nothing to write home about really . The main venue ( room 2 ) was left un-booked so it was empty all night ..
So , after 3 hours of standing about twiddling my thumbs and watching " Ultimate Fighting classics " with the bored security doorman on the room 2 video wall , I thought " what the fuck " and decided to ring out the main room sound system ..
Ringing out a sound system involves reseting everything in the venue to zero , placing a microphone and a band monitor on the stage , turning everything up full blast and notching out frequencies that cause feedback with the six 31 bar graphic equalisers ( four graphics for the monitors and two for the main rig )
A 2 channel 31 Bar graphic equaliser looks like this .... YAWN !!!
The one pictured has AFS ( Advanced fancy shit ... )
Are you all still awake ??
Note to all Hifi salesmen : When you all talk about Graphic equalisers , you really don't have a fukin clue what you're on about , do you ? Ha , you make me laugh . Sometimes I pop into Hifi stores just to let you talk shit about sonic dispersion and spacial standing waves and nyphonic paraplembic equalisation : just because I can .. Next time a Hifi salesman starts talking shit , just remember " He really is talking shit !!! "
Ok , so , I digress !!
Exciting stuff sound system ringing , but it really needs to be done now and again to achieve the best sound possible on band nights ..
It kind of sounds like aliens landing as you match feedback frequencies with sweeping ocillator frequencies to pinpoint the frequencies that ultimately need removing by notching them out on the graphic ..
Am I boring you all yet ??
I'm boring myself !!!
Fucking " A "
I could explain this a bit better but I'd be guilty of sending you all ( including myself ) to sleep ...
So , yeah , a dull night all round really..
Tomorrow is a major band night so hopefully there should be some serious events to rabbit on about ..
As I said before I'm production managing my mate B's club in the West end , so not only am I dealing with band nights , I'm also doing the Christmas parties and I guess tonight was just one of those nights .
Ok , so , this party is for like 200 top brass academic heads of departments for an extremely exclusive London University ..
If your a top brass academic head of department for an extremely exclusive London University yourself : I apologies in advance but I find you lot , totally fukin rubbish : Rubbish with social skills , rubbish at conversation , no fukin common sense at all and just totally annoyingly rubbish at all times in the extreme .. You're just rich fukin toffs from privelidged families who can't deal with the real world so you become academics and babble on about shit for the rest of your days !!
OK , soo , rubbish person no.1 : I'm stood , by myself at the back end of the venue away from everything but the machine room , hanging out of a window having a cigarette . Rubbish person no 1 ( mid 40's grown up authorative looking bloke type ) approaches me ..
Bearing in mind that I'm running the whole venue this week the following takes place ...
RP 1 : " Excuse me young man but I think you'll find that this is a no smoking area , yes , and I've been told to report smokers in case of the event of smoke setting off the fire alarm system and then causing the management and myself to have to clear 1000 + people from this venue and It'll all be all your fault "
Me : We'll I'm too stumped that no words come out of my mouth , at all ??
This fucker then stands right up close to me in a threatening manor , guestering to me with his hand to drop the cigarette and prodding me in the fukin chest with his other hand ..
I'm sorry mate but where the fuck do you fuking get off acting like that , you are 1. absolutely nothing to do with the venue , or the management , or anything at all for that fukin matter , and 2. This is not , and never has been a non smoking area which is kinda besides the point , which is ... Who the fukin fuck are you anyway ???
What like , were you bullied as a child or something or are you just so fuking stupid that you have to be tripping just to justify your rubbish fuking existence ???
What the fuck ..
I put out the cigarette and just walk away in disbelief .. It was either that or have him thrown out : Not the right option as he was just being fukin rubbish after all ..
Turns out this is the party organiser and an academic of some repute , a fukin Sir , a fukin Knight of the fukin Realm for fucks sake ( Not in my fukin club though ... Thanks ) , I find this out about half an hour later when I get a request from the doorman asking if the organiser can have a radio to be able to communicate his needs to the staff ..
" OK I say , no problem , tell me where he is and I'll organise it "
" Downstairs by the DJ box " comes the reply ..
I trundle off to meet the above said organiser ..
Ha , it's only fukin Sir Mr fukin rubbish himself !!
I'm introduced , he nearly shits himself , you can tell in his eyes and he knows he's fucked it right up ..
" You ! , a radio !! , I don't fukin think so mate , I don't really think your kinda responsible enough if you now what I mean !!!! "
He knows , he just fukin knows ..
He says nothing and kinda scurries off out of sight ...
That bloke with a radio , he'd have half the fukin club thrown out for dancing and the rest thrown out for buying drinks !!
The poor guy ignored me all night , I can see him lerking in the shadows as I do my various rounds of the club ..
Sorry mate , just don't fukin lie ( espesh to those who may or may not be actually involved in the management ) and like just stop being so fukin rubbish YOU DICKHEAD !!
Arise Sir Fukin Dickhead ...
Sooo , Rubbish person no 2 : Pissed out of her head , rubbish dancing to rubbish music girl who for some reason got it into her head that I fancied her just cos I said hello to her mate ... I'm sorry if I got all pissy with you , but I told you like 6 or 7 times that I was working and that I " WAS NOT INTERESTED IN FUKIN DANCING TO ABBA AND SHIT WITH YOU MATE " ..
" Oh go on , it's Christmas "
" No means no luv , sorry !! "
My mate J's quote of the night : " Mate , just take her round the back , stick your cock in her mouth and have done with it , if you don't then I will !! "
Classy J mate , real classy ??
I walked around , she fukin followed .. I ended up just sitting in the office with with a pint of Stella just to deal with it all ..
So , yeah .. A shit night all round ..
There were about another 4 or 5 other rubbish people but I fear that If I continue I'll end up dreaming rubbish dreams , so I think I'll stop there ..
Roll on fukin Tues ..
I've already had about four calls from tomorrow nights promoter ..
" Can you make sure that the DJ has a pair of technics 1210 mk 2 turntables for tomorrow night "
" Err yeah but I think there only mk 1 technics "
" Oh no , they must be Mk 2 "
WHAT THE FUCK DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE , MK 1 OR MK 2 ???
You put records on them and they fukin play em ... Arrrghhhh !!!
I kinda in a bad mood I think and It's only day 1 ..
Still , I''m sure it'll turn out alright ..
Anyway it's late so I'm going to bed ..
Night all ..
Finally ... Kinda sad Arnie , you killed people in the movies and now you get to do it for real mate , full circle eh , bit dissapointing though fella ??
Soo , I'm hanging with little Mistress at the other pad in Richmond and we're in bed doing drugs and being genarally kinda naughty as one does , when all of a sudden there's this wooof sound like a muted explosion : the whole building fukin shakes and I'm like " what the fuck was that ? "
Soo , the first thing that springs to mind is that a plane has exploded ( Richmond is on the Heathrow flight path ) , Ok , so , we wait five minutes until we hear another plane come in to land .. Not a plane .
Soo , I'm thinking maybe somethings blown up locally , but , no sign of any fire .. Fair enough , we get back to what we doing before ( having sex , taking drugs etc .) and forget all about it ..
We get out of bed at midday and I check the BBC news on the web ...
This has happened fukin hell that must have been some fukin explosion .. We're like 60 miles away from that oil depot and that blast shook my house in fukin Richmond ...
Umm , Interesting ..
Big bang ..
Enough said .
Anyway , so my mate B has gone to Italy this week and I'm managing his venue in central London so for me it's a ridiculously busy week : So i'll post when I get the time ..
That kiddies party was a right laugh by the way .. Little buggers ..
Sooo , last night was not worthy of anything Blogable and tonight's just the club , but .....
Sat is the " Party of the fukin Year " folks , the one we always look forward too , the drugs fest to end all drugs fests ...
It me and JB's : Woohoo !!!
It's for a few big multinational CEO types , their trophy wives and their hugely privileged little snot nosed offspring ..
But , they pay ... So we do !!!
We basically drop what were doing , hire a crazy disco rig , raid Woolworths for the latest chart topping hits and go into " All Out Disco ( lets see those crazy little legs a movin ) DJ Diva Mode " It's a 3 hour kids disco/party on a Sat afternoon every year , two weeks before Christmas Day ..
And we become the hosts with the most ..
Actually , it's kinda fun ...
300 little bratts , high on Coca-cola , Jelly sandwiches and chocolate snowmen all dancing to Kylie and the Tellytubby's lastest smash anthem's whilst playing pass the parcel and flip the kipper ( if you don't know don't ask ) .. Oooh the tears , the tantrums and the occasional messy pants .
There's a parents buffet too , which is like woooh , hold the fort !! Nobody eats any of it so we just help ourselves at the end , it keeps you fed for the next three days .. Fortnum and Mason Foie Gras anyone .. Thought not !!
The Joy ..
You get to see the little Cherubs faces light up as Santa comes all the way from the North Pole just to see them . ( And , err hand out presents .. )
And then it all goes quiet ... Shhhh !!
" Can you hear it ? "
" Can you hear the chimey chimey bell's of Santa's Sleigh ? "
" Can you ... Can you ? "
Actually hold up a minute , he's just paying the congestion charge on his mobile ..
Wait .. Back it up; he's got a parking ticket .
Oh , and now he's been fukin clamped ...
Ooof , hold it; he's just stuffed the traffic warden with a left ...
" Nice one Santa mate , right on the chin "
And then he arrives ...
With his big bag of presents ..
Not unlike the dealer ??
Oh Joy !!
Poor Santa , as London becomes more and more Cosmopolitan , the poor bugger has a fine old time trying to read out the names of Allastiovnev Bollistroika and Kadaliniana Whateverthefucklinski .. But Santa , as we all know is a trooper and no bridge will be left un-crossed , no mountain left un-climbed and no tinsel left un-tinseled just so that little Jimmy Banbilicyendimov has a little plastic bow and arrow set to shoot his parents in the ass ... Bless !!
And there's always one little man who wants the Barbie doll nowadays , so off he trots to beat up little Miss Mary Manjipangio till she starts crying , and then the parents get involved " Your sons a fucking fag mate "
Ooooh the joy , the festive treats in store for all too behold ..
Me personally , well I kinda like the sexy single mums myself : Always willing to sup a bit of mulled wine ( actually usually a lot of ) for that festive flirtation round the back of the pin the tail on the reindeer mock-up : "So , tell me , have you seen inside Santas grotto lately luv ? "
It may be only three hours , but your living in kiddy time here so it seems like nine months : but what the fuck , its Christmas ... Hoorah !!
I must see if I can get a picture of the carnage left behind this year .. Took us an hour last year just to get the ice-cream out of one of the fukin speaker cones !!
But , you know .. Kids will be kids ..
I remember a couple of years ago sitting in the pub afterwards with JB and all we could do was shrug our shoulders ...
You wanna win wars , Send in the kids , high on the tatrazine in Orange squash and zap the fukin enemies energy !!
Actually : Bad idea
Send em to the interrogation stage .. That'll make em all talk .. " Oh no , not the fairy cake in the ear again , I'll sign , I'll sign !!!"
So yeah .. Woohoo : the " ANNUAL KIDDIES CHRISTMAS PARTY DISCO "
A right old blast ...
Chocolate Snowman Anyone ?
And finally ... I guess that Pearlyrics software thing has started a war all of it's own ... From the BBC today
Oh yeah , I agree throw all the owners of these fukin Terribly illegal song lyric sites in prison ... Yeah , yeah throw em all in jail for teaching our future songwriters and guitarists how to write proper songs and lyrics ... What a fukin crime eh !!! In fact , throw us all in fukin jail for actually picking up our guitars in the first place ... In fact why don't you round up all the builders and offfice workers etc. or in fact anyone who illegally whistles a tune in public ( or private for that matter ) without paying royalties ... You tight fukin fuckers ..
Oh .. And for all the clever people out there ; if you actually listen to a song with a pen and a bit of paper you may find that you can actually write the lyrics down ..
But watch out , you my find that you get the pen manufacturers sued for accessory to theft , so keep that one quiet !!!!
Note to the big 5 ( music companies ) ; Why don't you and your fukin shareholders , take a holiday with your well earned cash , buy a large tub of napalm , and use it as fukin suntan lotion you tight fuk-wad bunch of twats ......
There ; I think I got that one out of my system .... Deep breath , hold it .... And , breath out again !!
You can find a copy of pearlyrics OSX Here ..So fukin sue me .
Last nights band night was cancelled , ( nice of them to tell me early .. Fukers ? ) so I stayed at home and consumed food and drank wine and surfed the internet till the computer screen went all blurry and I had to retire to bed ..
Had this huge urge to ring the man but got a grip of myself at the last moment .. No , really mate , it's like Wed night and your on your own .. " What would be the fukin point of that ? "
You don't need to be in the house , twiddling your fukin thumbs and frying your brain at the same time for absolutely no reason apart from your own self indulgence .. It's fukin wrong ..
Maybe I'm growing up or something .. Though Actually , maybe I'm not .
Oh I don't know ... What the fuck !!!
I had the weirdest fukin dream last night , I was getting chased by this bloke down the street and he was catching up with me so I thought " Fuck This " turned around and ran straight at him , he stopped , took off his head ( yep his head !! ) and then invited me down the pub ? Anyway , we get to the pub and we sit down and all these other people sit down with us as well ( his production team ) , Then they all one by one start to tell me of ways they will improve my presence on the Web by taking over various tasks for me ( one will write this blogg , one will rebuild my website etc .etc. etc. ) , kinda weird but , even weirder was the fact that my jumper was on fire , I was melting to the table and the pub floor kept see-sawing ?? I then buggered off to get a new Jumper but my flat was a hotel room . We then all jumped into cars and drove off to France ....
Errheem : Yes , well ...
Note to brain : Where the fuck did you get all that shit from mate ???
Finally : US warns of fake net domain data Errm , warns who exactly ? Tell me one person apart from the Authorities ; who doesn't like the idea of people being able to remain anonymous online ... I for one wouldn't be able to write this blog ; Land of the free my American friends , not if your government ( or my government for that matter ) has anything to do with it ..
Note to all Authorities everywhere : As fas as Internet Anonymity goes : Mind your own fukin business !!!
Is it just me , or has blogger become a pain in the arse to use , post , update etc . after that upgrade they had a couple of days ago ..
So . not a bad night actually , the venue was packed which always makes things sound better , better that is than a half full space where the sound reverberates round the room like a ball bearing in a biscuit tin .. So yeah full house = great sound ..
Ok , So , band no. 1 ( if you can call it that ) ; Some kid with a guitar and a few FX pedals who basically walked onstage , hit one chord on his guitar and then left it to sustain for like 20 minutes while effecting the sound with various guitar pedals , loud , scary , unpleasent .. The crowd went wild .. Ok I'll give him a C+ for effort ... But no gold medal at this point ; sorry mate !!
Band no. 2 : Would have been Ok if the bass player hadn't decided to give us all a " round the houses " Demonstration of just how loud his bass amp ( the size of a fukin skip ) could go !! This one can go way past 11 , I can tell you ... The band had the cheek to say ( during the soundcheck ) " We can't hear any vocals onstage? " NO FUKIN SHIT , I missed a call on my mobile phone which was on the mixing desk approx 1 foot in front of me , and I was 30 meters away from you fukers ... Go figure lads !! So , would have been ok if you hadn't left us all fukin DEAF again ..
Band no.3 : Not really a band but this old rocker on drums with a couple of synths he controlled ( while playing his drums I might add ) from foot pedals and him doing a bit of vocals , now this was fukin good , and I mean really fukin good ; the drum kit was impeccably tuned ( so it sounded shit hot ) and boy could this fella play drums ; every Snare hit and Tom roll was played to perfection , solid timing and soo fukin well rehearsed : a sound engineers dream all round . It sure made me look good , I can tell you ...
Band no.4 " The Headlining band " : Five blokes from Californi ' A ' , doing a sort of Electronic Thrash Big drum Metal type affair , Not really my kind of thing , but , for what it was it was fukin excellent .. The crowd were going nuts .. There was jumping from the stage and moshing and headbanging and many , many fine shenanigans going on around the venue ... Top , proper fukin rock-n-roll all round , all good ..
Better than last night ? You bet ; a totally different experience was had by all ...
If I hadn't of had that fight in the kebab shop ( coz some Greek bloke tried to charge me £7.00 ( $ 14.00 ) for a dodgy chicken swarma and I refused to pay him .. " Fuck off , at that price , you can keep the fukin thing mate !! " It would have been a pretty outstanding night all round ..
Weyhey , the Silly Season ... Bring it on !!!
And congrats to the Dogtownclash , their video , which can be viewed here , has just been playlisted on MTV .. Go on lads , have it !!
Right it's late , so I'm off to bed ..
Oh , and , I didn't make the final runnings for the Worlds best Urban Music Blog whatever thing ? Good , I'm not quite ready for any of that at the mo , thank you very much ; This blog is too young and still too personal .. Thanks for the nomination though !!
Finally .. I was trying to find the Pearlyrics software and came across this my mate G uses this software and I think it was a great idea .. Who the fuck do the majors think they are ?? You all claim to be part of the entertainments industry but all you do is choke our entertainment , I requested the cease and desist order from the ( Software Author ) and it's just completely full of shit , bloody majors eh ...
Ha ... Fuck off and die you dinosaurs , missed the old download boat though didn't you , I remember going to a MPG meeting in 2000 where the future of music " downloading " was discussed and you lot said it would never happen : Ha , eating your own words now , aren't you , you fukin idiots !!!
So what was in the melting pot last night ? Oh , joy of joys , another alternative music night , uff !!
Alternative music nights mean ; Lots of people onstage at the same time . Alternative music nights have like the biggest numbers of people in a band ( a band band that is ) I've ever witnessed .. Ok , so , typical example , one of the bands last night ; 5 singers , bass , guitar x 2 , keyboards x 3 , sax , trombone , trumpet , congas , drummer , strange percusion thing , violin and a fukin chello , all on the same stage and all playing at the fukin same time .. I don't know about you , but that lot , together on one stage and all playing at the same time : is a recipe for fukin disaster !!
It just sounds fukin shit is what it does ....
I mean , how does a band that big ever form in the first place , they must like grow them in a special room somewhere and unleash em on the world when the timing's right ( or wrong ) .
So yeah , Ok that was band number 2 , band number 1 was 2 girls , one on bass and one on guitar doing stuff that sorta represented music , but just not in a form that I recognise , I suppose you can call it art : just like you can call a stuffed ostrich art ?
And ( don't even go there ) ... And band no 3 was 1 girl and 1 boy and 1 ipod providing the music while they whispered unintelible lyrics into the mics which of course is a real help in the feedback department as everybody complains ( to me ) that we " can't hear what they're saying " , so in turn you have to turn up the vocals to such a lever that if anyone even clinks a glass or goes to the toilet in the venue or whatever and the whole fukin rig goes EeeeeeeeeEeeeeEee ( feedback sound ) .. Ok fair enough , just not on my planet , thanks .
The headlining band where ok though a combination of 1 bass , 1 guitar , keyboards and drums all doing vocals ( a sensibly sized band ) ..
Towards the end of the set they created this mad guitar feedback sound which lasted about 5 minutes but you sort of got into it kinda tribal style , nice musicianship : but it left everybody in the venue COMPLETELY FUKIN DEAF for about 10 mins .. Top !!!
Thanks for that , real bonus to the job : BEING FUKIN DEAF and all that ...
Soo , yeah , Alternative music , errhem !!
Art mate , art !!!
The band I'm doing tomorrow sold out the venue in less than two hours , sooo , please , please be good !!
It's not too much to ask ??
I'm going to fukin bed coz it's 5 in the morning ..
Ooof , this is definitely becoming the silly season !!
Me and little Mistress spent the whole weekend getting plastered and generally being crazy crazy..
We went and met up with my mate T to say goodbye before he goes off on his month long tour of Africa , I'm kinda jealous , I could see myself running round Africa getting chased by Zebras and stuff ; that's gotta be fun ...
Soo, we met up with T and just did a sort of world tour of the local boozers around West London ... I stayed at T's house Sat night and then Sunday we went for a Sunday Roast and did the whole fukin thing over again . Me and Little Mistress arrived back at my house last night completely wasted and watched a bit of TV and just wiped out .. She had to go to work early this morning bless , she must have still been fucked ;poor dear ..
So yeah , I'm sat here with a big bowl of pasta , really just trying to get me head in gear so that I can get on the bloody tube and go to work ... I'm doing a band night tonight in central London , so I'm going to have to purchase a large bucket of fukin headache tablets just to see me through the damn thing ..
I'm really hoping that I'm not engineering some fukin thrash metal bands tonight , I don't think I could stand that ? Oh yes , please let it be a folk night or something , you know , something gentle on the ears ; howling cats are just right out the way I'm feeling today ... Gawd !!
In the words of the great Radiohead: You do it to yourself you do ...
Right , coffee , shower , headache tablets , work ...
I was fukin about on Myspace , having a look at new London Bands and stuff , when I come across this band and I'm thinking " That girl looks familiar ? " .
So , I go to the profile pic and enlarge it ..
I nearly spat my coffee out .. Low and behold , it's my American ex-girlfriend S and she's in London , in a fukin band and touring the venue circuit ...
Oh fuck !!
Now this is fukin funny because she will at one point , pass through one of the venues where I work , it's inevitable : It's gonna fukin happen and I'll probably be doing the FOH ..
Oh fuck ... What to do !!
I've pretty much stopped burning a candle for this girl ; but it's gonna be fukin difficult trying to do live sound for somebody that I still like/hate !!
I just hope to gawd that they bring their own sound engineer if they play because one cross word or look or anything and I am quite capable of giving that band a fukin onstage nightmare they won't forget in a hurry ..
I'd rather not though so I'm really hoping that I can remain profesional , do my job and forget that she's even there ?
Oh mate ... This will happen next year , it's on the cards so beware ..
Funny though , I was listening to the lyrics of one of her songs online ... " Don't even think about blaming me !! "
It's ok luv ... I don't ...
So yeah , that's gonna be fun . I nearly invited her as one of myspace friends , but thank gawd I came to my senses in time .
So , anyway .. That was a long night at the club last night it really just seemed to go on and on ..
I told you that story about misery guts bar manager not letting the staff have drinks after work , well , last night when everyone had finished work , we were all standing around the bar and when ever misery guts was nowhere to be seen ; the fukin fridges got raided for booze and it was thrown into bags , rucksacks etc . and taken home .. Soo , haa , serves you right you miserable old twat ...
What's this weekend .. Dunno , my mate T is off to Africa so I might give him a call to meet up before he trots off ..
It'll only end up messy though ..
Oh yeah before I remember... Or rather , before I forget ( Dougnut !! ) , I gets this text message in the club last night over Bluetooth ( which on my phone is always switched on so that when I come home my computer automatically backs up my phone book ) . So , I accept this message thinking it's just somebody having a laugh when Bam !! ; my phone goes dead as a brick .. I've had to reboot it from my computer this morning ? And not just my phone , virtually everybodys phone who had bluetooth turned on in the club, all fukin dead ??
Is this a new craze ? fukin mobile phone fucking ... Arrghh those fukin geeks !!
So my advice , when in London ; Turn off the fukin Bluetooth shit ..
Note to phone hacking geeks : Get your own Fukin Life and stop messing with other peoples you tosers ... Say If some girl gets attacked on the way home and she can't phone for help , you ain't gonna look too clever then .. ARE YOU !!!!
Woohoo , check me out ... I've been shortlisted for the Worlds Best Urban music Blog . Don't know what it is or what it does ; But it sounds fukin great ... And I've only being doing this for like 7 month's ... Top ..
Vote me , I fukin rule ...
I once won the Cannes film festival Sountrack Award .. But... Somehow this feels much more interesting ....
Okey dokey ...
Can I write , I guess I can .. Well bugger me with a large car exhaust .. actually don't !!
So much for this being my personal therapy blog eh : I guess that's totally out the fukin window !!
Weeheey ... It's official , the Silly Season is upon us ....
Actually if you want the truth I'm not really a fan of Christmas .. But hey might as well get in the mood eh !!
Sooo , If I wanted to , I could be out partying every night of the week up until Christmas Eve ; but I'm not gonna be as It gets major expensive this time of the year ..
So what's instore this month , well I have everything from Christmas Parties ( both working and not ) to band nights to a kiddies Christmas party that Me and my mate JB do every year ..
The schedule is way hectic but I'm not gonna complain .
So should be a fun month all round ..
So Christmas Day I'm going to Little Mistresses family home in the Home County's .. Ummm , I get to meet the parents which might be interesting but I'll be with her and that's all that matters ...
Me and my Mate T usually do the " Orphans club family dinner " but he's going to Africa this year so that's right out ..
When I used to live in Portobello Road , Christmas was a shit time coz everyone who lives there , is not from there . So at Christmas the place becomes completely deserted ; You can see the fukin tumbleweeds ... I remember a particulaly rotten year when my parents had just died and my ex S had just left me , I was at a complete loss so I went for a walk and ended up sitting by myself on a completely deserted Oxford Street with a bottle of vodka feeling very sorry for myself ... That was a bad year end for me and something that I promised myself that I will never repeat again ..
So enough of the misery guts me ; It's Christmas so I'm damn well gonna have a laugh ... Woohoo !!