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Saturday, July 30, 2005

A nice little earner ...

Soo , I think that little Miss Russian Stalkeretsky has finally gone mad ..

I check my mobile phone messages yesterday and i've got a mad Russian bird saying ..

" I'm very dissapointing by you , you promised I am to come to London and I then am being avoided, I am thinking that you not very nice person , I hope that is not the case and you are busy , I call you later , big kisses for you , you are love "

Check it out " I am love " , it's official ..

Oh no !!

What have I gone and done now ..

Listen darlin , I promised you fuck all ...

It's kinda funny , I called in on my mate A ( girl ) on my way to the club yesterday , A runs an upmarket brothel from a flat in Victoria , she reckons I could bring the Russian bird over and then A could employ her ... " There's a big demand for Eastern Europeans you know " , she said in her affected accent ( makes me go weak at the knees ) .. She's saying this to me as she's bundling me into the backroom as one of her clients arrives ... So I sat and twiddled my thumbs for , Oh , say at least five minutes while she took care of business ..

Yes A , really good fukin idea babe .. The idea of pimping a Russian model in London is exactly what my dear departed mother would have had in mind when she brought me into this world !!

She'd bloody kill me ... If she was still alive .

For fuck sake , what am I becoming ..

" we could go 50/50 " ...

No A mate , fukin stop it ..,

Suppose it's an idea though ...

£ 160 a job , say 10/15 jobs a day at 50 % , that's , that's a nice little earner that's what that is ... Bollocks mate , stop it ...

Have a word with yourself ..

Anyway , I'm going out , to find some sin in West London ..

Listening to : George Carlin , fukin funny guy , I was laughing so hard on the tube listening to this the other day that a Policeman took me to one side and asked me if I was OK ...

Me , " yeah mate , I'm crying cos this guys fukin funny mate " ..

Copper : " what guy ? "

Me , " Goerge Carlin "

Copper , " Never heard of him , prefer Chubby Brown myself "

Me , " Naw mate , he's a fat racist twat "

Copper , " That's why he's funny , anyway carry on sir "

Me : " Yeah cheers mate "

You know , British Bobbies are actually quite a friendly bunch ( if your British that is . ), not like that Greek copper twat who thwacked me with his batton in fukin Crete ..

Fuker nearly knocked me out .. It really hurts that batton shit ...

Fukin Fucker !!!

Right i'm going out !!

To find sin .

Friday, July 29, 2005

Clare and Henry , a fukin love story !!

Sooo , last night was funny ..

Finished in the studio about 7 pm and then went to see a Jazz band sorta thing , the band are into the second song and i'm thinking this sounds shit ( not the band , the sound ) ... So I have a look around for the mixing desk , it's in the corner of the room and there's this girl behind it who's looking really fukin worried .. So , I go over to her ..

Me , " You alright mate "

Her , " No , I haven't got a clue what i'm doing , and it's all going terribly wrong " ..

No Shit !!!!

Me , " O dear , do you want a hand " ..

Her , " Pleeeassse , who are you though ? "

Me , " It's ok mate i'm a sound engineer " ..

Her , " Oh , you are my Knight in shining armour "

Me , " Not really dear , I'm just a sound engineer , come on out of the way mate . "

I get behind the desk , I'm not suprised this girl's having a mare !! , it's one of those stupid fukin digital desks ..

Note to all venue owners : When setting up a live venue , DO NOT get a fukin digital desk , they are , ( if your new to the desk ) , a sound engineers worst fukin knightmare .. It's so much fun scrolling thru menu after menu , when all you want to do is put a bit more 4k on a vocal , NOT !! ... Do yourself's a favour and don't even go there , thanks ...

I slowly work out this desks obscenely stupid GUI operating system and then get the band sounding good ...

All good ..

Soo, i'm chatting away to this girly girl , when all of a sudden she burts into fukin tears , for fuck's sake here we go ..

" My Boyfriends just left me after five years , and I'm no good at my job , and ...and !!!

Blimey mate have a word ..

O dear ...

So , not only am I doing this girls fukin job , I'm getting .. " Clare and Henry a Tragic love story in 3D surround sound fukin Technocolor " .... And I've only come out for a quick pint ... Lordy lord !!!

The band finishes , I say my farewell's , finish my pint and go downstairs in the venue .. but this girl follows me !! , so now I get , " Clare and Henry a Tragic love story in 3D surround sound fukin Technocolor part fukin 2 " ....

At this point I just want to go home ...

Me , " I'm off home now bye !! "

Her , " Where do you live ? "

Me , " West London , in ********** "

Her , " Oh , I live there , can we share a cab "

Me .. Being polite , " I suppose so "

So now I get , " Clare and Henry a Tragic love story in 3D surround sound fukin Technocolor part fukin three " , all the way fukin home ..

We get home ....

Her .. " Fancy a night cap "

Me , " No mate I've got a really early start tomorrow "

Her , " Ok here's my number , maybe we can go for a drink sometime ? "

Me , being polite , " OK I'll call you "

LIke that's gonna ever happen !!!

Shame really , she was kinda hot ...

I get in the house , and go to bed ...

And that's that ...

Right , I have a club to run so i'm off out ...

Russian stalker email of the day : HI!I WANT TO SEE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOPE YOU ARE Ok?! BIG KISS FOR YOU,MY SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ANASTASYA

O dear ...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

NASA launches new space probe !!

Ah ha !! , Look's like NASA has some new technology up it's sleeve's ....

Boldly going where no man has gone before !!

" OK lad's! , Brian , your the first to go into orbit , and Kevin , your in the shuttle stimulator ! "

Err , Houston we may have a problem ....

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Bloody ell ..

I know I said that I wasn't gonna get political this week but ...

Fuck me with a large heavy broom handle , somebody in England is finally using a brain !!!

It's about fukin time ....

Ex-Comprehensive school pupil , who's education was fucked up by the stupid fukin thick wankers at the back of every classroom who would never , " shut the fuck up !!!! "

( Education since fixed , I.T. BSc hons, not that I ever fukin use it .. )

This green and pleasent land may just survive yet !!

Russian stalker email of the day : IT IS VERY NICE,THAT YOU WRITE ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HOW ARE YOU,MY DEAR??????????WHAT HAPPENDS IN YOUR LIFE?????I REMEMBER ALL!!!!!!BEST WISHES TO YOU!!!!!BIG KISS xxx ANASTASYA

Err I didn't write you again ??????

Oh no !!

Listening to : Nasa TV , proper geeky stuff , but fun anyway ..

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Story of S ( part 2. )

Sooo , I'm in the mood to tell the second part of the Story of me and S ..

Don't know what I'm on about , and don't really care after all your just a drug taking idiot who goes around mugging old ladies , stealing from shops to feed your habit and generally being a loser who has no real place in our society .. Then read The Story of S part 1.

So , I returned from my tour of the States , absolutely knackered but happy to have seen what I had seen ..

Me and S , kept in touch by email . S was thinking about moving to london to further her studies , I sat and waited ..

Soo , S finally decided to move , she was coming over to do a Master's degree at the University of Westminster in Audio production , I 'm really not a fan of degree taught Audio people , but I thought ok maybe I could mentor her about the real world of music .. She liked the Idea , all good ..

S moved to London and rented a little pad in Hamstead ( as all American's do .. ) , at the time I was living in Ladbroke Grove in a beautiful tree lined street called Cambridge Gdns . I loved living there , it was right in the middle of Media/Music land with shit loads going on and at the time close to some of the best underground bars and clubs in London ( that all fukin changed when they made that stupid Notting Hill film , then all the money moved in and killed the area stone dead .... ) .

I digress .

Sooo , I would go and see S maybe 2 or three times a week and stay at her pad in Hampsterhead ( as we liked to call it ... ) .

It was nice , we both had money , I liked her , she liked me , life was good ..

After about a year , some real estate developers moved in on the house where I was living and we all got evicted ( bastard's turned the house into trendy fukin 2 bedroom apartment's for the rich twats , as they always do !!! , the fukers even kicked out a 75 years old lady with cancer , she died from the shock ) ..

At the time I'd just lost my Dad , he'd had a heart transplant so I sorta knew he was gonna die , it was a relief in a strange sort of way when he did . His new heart had given him five or six years of extra life ( which he had lived to the full ) , and in those years I'd said everything I had to say , we'd left no loose ends in our relationship ..

S's lease was up , so we decided to move in together , always a big fukin step , but what the hell we were a 20 something couple living in London with shit loads of spare cash , the whole of our lives in front of us and we were bang in love ...

We moved into the Penthouse flat in Ashworth Mansions , Maida Vale .

For two 20 something's to be doing this was , for me , unfukinbelievable !!

S was , funny , intelligent , beautiful , from a completely different culture to my own and she had her own money , so I didn't ( for once ) , have to pay for fukin everything .

My life was sorted , I had arrived ...

We spent so much time together , it was soo fukin lovely ..

We could afford to eat out 3 times a day , we always had food in the house , we wore nice clothes , we had a nice bed , nice furniture , lot's of spare time , we would hire sports cars at the weekend and drive out to the country , we were in love , we made love , all the fukin time ..

Note : Having sex and making love are two completely different animals , the former you do because you really want to , the latter because you really have to !! , not until you done both will you every know the difference . I know which I would choose any day of the week !!!

My life was absolute fukin bliss ...


My Mother died ..

Of a broken heart ...

And it all began to fall apart ...

I began to fall apart ...

I'm gonna stop now because I'm starting to get really upset ..

Monday, July 25, 2005

Back in the real world ..

Soo , It's Monday again ...

I'm gonna try and keep this week as free from Politics and current affairs as I can .. I never intended this blog to be a stomping ground for my views on government and world policy . It's just that the past few weeks events have got in the way a bit and to be honest with you , I think that I've rocked the boat far enough that it's in danger of filling with water , going tits up and sinking to new depth's of controversy !!

Sooo , back in the surreal world

The weekend was a bit uneventful , stayed in Saturday night , Little Mistress had been to a party and she came to see me afterwards , the poor girl turned up lagging drunk which was kinda hilarious apart from the fact that she gave me a running commentary on the film that I was trying to watch . So I never really got to watch it , shame really I like 2001 ...

Staying in , is the new going out !!

We went out Sunday , had lunch and then got stupidly pissed .. Today I have the hangover from hell ..

We came back to my place and had properly dirty sex , The " Oh dear I have to wash all my bedding now ! " , type of sex that one sometimes has on a Sunday ( or any other day of the week come to think of it ) . Which was nice !!

I've just put her on the train home , soo Bye Bye Little Mistress , you rock babe ! .

So now , I'm going to have a cup of coffee and chill out till my head returns to a safe place of normality ..

Listening too : Absolutely fuck all , music won't help at present ..

Cooking later : Jerk chicken , rice and peas a la me !!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Me/You ( A Sociological , cross-referenced , cross-cultural study of two modern day events in pictures. )

Fig A ...

Modern day London nightlife ( from behind the mixing desk ). Sat 23rd July 2005 ( 1:20 am GMT ) ..

Note: The scantily clad female species , gyrating and cavorting to a popular dance record of the times ..

This appears to be : A . Fun , B . Aesthetically pleasing to the eye , C . Again , Fun ..

Fig B ...

The aftermath of just another day in Iraq ( circa 2004 ) ..

Note the expression of pain in the subjects face ..

This appears to be : A . Not fun . B . Not right , C. Not at all aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

Fig C ...

The message that fig B , may give to our children .. Well , sort of ..

You think , We think , I think ... Part 1

You think : The more people I kill the the more women I will have in my heavenly Harem after death ..

We think : Fuck off you idiot , even if you do arrive at your Harem with loads of birds , do you think they will wanna know you , your a murderer mate and that's no basis for a loving relationship , ever ..

I think : I wonder if i'll have time to do my laudry tomorrow

You think : Allah the all merciful will forgive us , as we only carry out his duty ..

We think : Don't be so fukin stupid , get a grip , your talking in riddles and rhymes about an unproven subject , that may or may not be true , show us the fukin real evidence you doughnut brain ..

I think : I wonder what's on TV tonight ..

You think : Other religions are wrong and we are the true religion , it's written in the Koran ...

We think : Leave it out mate , listen to yourself , you having a laugh at your own expense ..

I think : Anyone got any beer !!

The only thing you are achieving is to make us fukin rant about things we can't be arsed with !!

Go on blow us all up , it'll go down in history really fukin well ..

Can I get back to writing about the things that interest me now please ...

In other word's , crawl back under your shell and let me live my fukin life mate , without the interjection of your sad fukin existence ..

I do not share the same views as my government , I am not interested in your politics , I just want to make music , do drugs and shag birds ...

Thank you !!

Jeez Louise ..

Just got home from the club , I scan the BBC news website , 49 die in Bomb blast in Egypt ..

I'm not being funny , but can we stop with the blowing each other up shit ...

It's not fukin right and it's not fukin on ..

We haven't evolved this far to be doing this to each other ..

Fukin stop this , fukin now !!!

Note to the world : " Have a fukin word with yourself "

For fucks sake !!!

Friday, July 22, 2005

If you had a brain , you would be lethal ..

Fact 1 : An unnamed woman told BBC Two's Newsnight she saw a muscular black man ( he goes to the gym ) in his twenties running away from the direction of the Hammersmith and City line Tube, crossing gardens and discarding a dirty shirt.

Fact 2 : He left a " Fitness First " ( only available at Fitness First gym's ) , rucksack with a bomb ( unexploded ) , on the tube ..

Fact 3 : There are 2 " Fitness First " Gyms in the area , Hammersmith and Shepherds Bush ... They Keep records and photo ID's of every member , ( as do all Fitness First gym's ) ..

Fact 4 : A witness actually spoke to you before you ran off ( so he knows what you look like ) ...

Fact 5 : The police are quite capable of putting two and two together ...

Fact 6 : If I were you matey boy , I would be shitting bricks , coz you are fucked mate ...

The net slowly tighten's ...

Right i'm off to run a club in central London ....

Thursday, July 21, 2005

For Fuck's sake !!!

Here we go again , I'm just on my way to get paid and then to the studio when BAM , the whole of London transport get's fukin shut down ...


Something has to be done ...

My solution ...

Dear Tony ,
Get our fukin troops out of Iraq , then , pick these fukers up ( the sympathizers ) and throw em all out of our country , drastic but efficient , they do not intergrate with our society , they do not add anything to our culture , and now there getting in the way of Londoner's daily lives ..

We didn't win two World Wars in order to put up with this shit !!


We have no right to be there , they have no right to be here !!!

Bush's quest for World oil control and trade deficit doctoring , and your ( Tony Blair ) capacity to be bullied into supporting Bush's policies ( you pussy ) , has become stupid , you are stupid ...

Have a COBRA meeting , and actually fukin do something ...

Come on Tony mate , be a real leader , take us out of the war and into the Euro !!!

( No Anti Euro comments please , I'm still as British as a mug of tea thank you very much . (( unless of course you are macroeconomic and Petrodollar/Petroeuro savvy )) )

Rant over !!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

How to get paid in the music industry ( Part 2 )

Sooo , the day starts a little like this :

I get up , put the radio on , have a shower , make some coffee , go downstairs , collect the mail , come back upstairs , check my emails and sift through the mail ..

All good .

Oh ! , a couple of CD demos , bit of junk mail , mobile phone bill ( we'll open that later ) , a letter from my bank , etc. etc. etc .

Open bank letter , Dear Mr ***** , cheque , blagh blagh , funds , blagh blagh , credit , blagh , blagh , blagh .. Yawn ..

Finish my coffee , listen to ( crap ) demos , chuck em in the bin ...



Fukin rewind that last bit !!

Pick up letter from the bank again ..

Dear Mr ***** , the cheque you deposited last week has not cleared due to insufficient funds on the writer's behalf ..


Hoo , hoo , !!!

I read it again , and again ..

After all that shit I went through last week ( How to get paid in the blagh , blagh ) , the fuker has bounced a cheque on me again ...

Mate , this is fukin war , you tight fukin Jewish twat !!!!

I pick up the phone , I put down the phone , I pick up the phone , I put down the phone , I pick up the phone , I put down the phone .

I shout at the radio , I jump up and down , I shout at the TV , I jump up and down some more ..

I shout at the moth , I squash the moth ( sorry mate ) ,

I kick the laudry basket ..

I ,

I ,

I fukin Urrrrraaaaagghhhhhh !!!!!!

I'm not happy ..

At all ...

I calm down , and I'm thinking , " Right I'm gonna get my fukin money out of you , if it fukin kills me , it's a principle thing now matey boy !! "

" And I'm gonna do it from the comfort of my own fukin home mate ... "

Sooo, I go for a walk , and a think !!

I return , with a cunning plan ..

This is how it goes ...

I ring the manufacturing plant where the CD's are being cut , I have a mate B who works there ..

Dring dring !!!

B : " Elloooo "

Me : " hey B mate , it's **** "

B : " Whazzzuuppp " ,

Me : " Shit loads mate you got 5 " ,

B : " Yeah mate no probs , i'm on a tea break anyways " ,

I tell B the whole story ..

B : " You know what , that KP's a prick , he's always on my case to speed up manufacturing on a CD run , you know , he's not the only fuker with a record label and deadlines , the fukin cunt !! " ,

Me : " B , mate , when are you pressing His/My tune "

B : " Thurs mate , there's a 10,000 run on it " ..

Me : " Ok , bin it "

B : " Mate , you know I can't fukin do that "

Me : " You know you fancy T's sister "

B : " Err yeah "

Me : " I'll set you up "

I can hear B's brain ticking ..

Bing !!!

B : " Yeah alright , but it's not gonna be easy , how the fuck can I bin a run and get away with it mate "

Me : " Easy , listen , you know the glass CD master , drop it by accident "

B : " Ha , ha , you sly fuker "

You see , in order to manufacture a CD , a glass master must be made as a one off mold , no glass master , no fukin CD's , and because I have the other master at home , Fukin KP will have to come to me in order to get my master in order to make a new glass master , simple , effective ..

Me : " only don't really drop it , just make it look like you have , and then you can charge him a remastering fee , coz it wasn't really your fault , he was putting too much pressure on you "

B : " Yeah mate , I hear ya , loud and clear "

Me : " Also , can you ring KP and tell him his runs fucked "

B : " Will do , he ain't gonna be appy tho ! "

Me : " Tough fukin titty , I owe you a drink mate "

B : " And a date mate "

Me : " Your really not my type "

B : " Ha , you know what I mean "

Me : " Later B "

B : " Later's "

Click ...

Stick that fucker in your pipe and smoke it KP , fukin chekerty checkmate no.2 , cunt ..

I sit back and wait for the call ..

10 mins pass

Bring fukin brink ..

Me : " Ellooo "

KP : " Hey **** , you'll never guess what happened mate , my PA stopped your cheque by accident " .

Me : " you're avin a fukin laugh aint you "

KP : " No mate , I'm really sorry , I'll tell you what I'll do , if you come to the office , i'll sort you the cash "

Me : " That's really nice of you mate "

KP : " Yeah , I think I've pissed you about enough "

Me : " Naa mate I wouldn't say that "

KP : " Also , while were on the phone , the fukin idiot at the pressing plant's dropped the glass master , so were going to have to do another mate "

Me : " Your in luck I've got a day off tomorrow , so I'll swing by the office and pick up my cash , then , ( and only then !! ) , I'll go up to the plant and get a new one cut for you "

KP : " Sweet mate , I'll see you tomorrow "

Me : " I'll be round about 1 then , see ya "

KP : " Cheers "

Click ..


So we'll see what happens tomorrow ..

Plus , I don't really have to go to the plant , the glass master still exists , I just have to put in a call to B ...

Everybody happy , jobs a good un !!

Right , can I make some fukin music now ...

For fucks sake !!!!

Moth ( part 3, now available as a trilogy )

Sooo , the Moth has moved back in . Don't think I have not
noticed you , you fluffy fly thing ..

Your stealthy shape , will not work with my eye-o-vision , mate !

I have taken the first steps in your eviction ..

By leaving the outside light on , and i'm watching you , very, very closely

You can't stay mate

Oh No ...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Field study !

Soo , me and Little Mistress decided to head out of town , with drugs and beer and a little wicker picnic basket .

We mounted a search for the ultimate in secluded cornfield's ...

We found it near Richmond , just off the river and down from the hill ...

We plotted up , and lay next to each other all day , basking in the sunshine , drinking beer , eating duck pate and beef and mustard sandwiches and hummous and olives and salad and all manner of fine foodstuffs ...

Then we got high ,

And fucked in the sun ...

Which was nice !!

It was such a beautiful day , I love England when the sun comes out , it makes me proud ..

Little Mistress stayed the night , and we fucked some more ..

And we woke up this morning and guess what ?

Then I took her for lunch ...

And then she went home on the train ...

I'm thinking that a pretty special weekend was had by all ..

A very blissed out time by any standards ( even mine ) ...

Aww , how nice ...

But now I am sunburnt !!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

A rendezvous with sin !!

Soo , little Mistress is coming to see me , so i'm all excited ..

Haven't seen her for two weeks , Sooo I guess a night of passionate games lies ahead ..

All good ..

And it's scorching hot ... And I have drugs , and !!!

And that's about the size of that ..

I'll let you know what goes on ..

But for now , I'm off to enjoy the sun ...

And the company of a beautiful little minx ..

Oh !! , I am a naughty boy ..

Love it

Tee hee me ..

Bye ....

Moth ( Part 2, The sequel . An ongoing saga !! )

I left out an Ikea catalogue and circled a suitable replacement lampshade for moth ( in case he ate present lampshade ) ...

He packed his bags , and moved out ??

To Ikea !!

Fucker !

Moth ..

A moth has moved into my lampshade , should I charge Him/Her rent ?

And if so , how much ?

What's the going rate for moth's ?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Story of S ( Part 1. )

Sometimes , when It gets really hot in the city I still think of S , my American ex girlfriend .. It would be nice if we were still in touch , but we aren't ( all own my fault ), and It's sad ..

Sooo , This is the story on me and S ..

We met in West London at a gig , introduced by a mutual friend H .. , I thought she was a bit fukin weird , I've never ever seen a British person move away from a crowd of people in a pub , just to have a cigarette . . But this little American girl did , this irrelevent action kinda intreaged me ( don't ask , i'm sorta silly like that ) .

Soo after the gig , I invited her back to the place I was staying , for a joint or two .. She suprisingly said yes ..

At the time I was living in Bayswater , in a fuck off flat with my very rich girlfriend/non girlfriend N .. N was in Austria at her Dad's ( a fukin loaded swiss banker ) funeral , he had commited suicide with a shotgun ( no shit people ) at his house , one of N's friends had found him on return from a skiing trip ( well what was left of him ) and she has never been the same person since ( can't blame her really ) , but anyway that's another story .. I digress ..

So S came to N's pad , we smoked spliff , chatting till 3 in the morning ..

S went back to her hotel ( also in Bayswater ) ..

I called the next day , S came straight around , and we spent the next three days together , drinking , having sex , smoking spliff , generally having a nice time ..

S , went back to the States , life carried on ..

N , came back from Austria , under a huge black cloud , she booted me out of her pad and we never really spoke again after that .. N's trauma had changed her for good , she needed to be alone , there was nothing I could have done to help .. I did try though ...

Me and S kept in touch by email ...

At the time I wasn't online at home , so every Wed I would email her , and every Thursday I would recieve a reply .. I was working part time at a university in central London , lecturing on music technology ( thus my heavy opinions on Degree trained engineers ) , so I was emailing from my work computer ...

We emailed each other for about a year ...

S , at the time was living in Chicago ...

I found out that we , ( me and the band ) were going to tour America ( From Chicago , all the way to California , by road in a tour bus ) ..

So I called S ....

The tour manager had fucked up my work visa , so I had to travel ahead of the band ( and all of the equipment ) ..

So that gave me two days free in Chicago ...

S got all excited , she could not believe I was travelling all that way to see little old her .. Oh bless !!

She said that I could stay with her , I also had a hotel at O'hare international , but I knew where I was going .. Erhem !!

At this point I knew little or nothing about S , so I didn't expect much really ...

Sooo , I get to the airport , and S picks me up in her car , she looks a lot hotter than I had remembered , she's a girly girl , with a nice curvy figure and lovely strawberry Blonde hair , in London she was dressed kinda frumpy , but in Chicago she has on a really nice short City dress and she looks good my friends ( like a really hot version of Animatronic fron the Scissor sisters ) . I had arrived thinking , Oh nice , another lay I suppose , but when she arrived in the hotel lobby , I was fairly blown away ...

So S say's " cmon let's get the fuck out of here " , and we drive to Chicago ..

This is my first time in the States , so this is all exiting stuff for me ..

We arrive at her apartment block on Lakeshore drive , past the receptionist , into the lift and up , and up , and up we go to her apartment .. ( it seems like a long way up here )

She puts her key into the door , we go in , and , and fuck me !!!

This is a pad to end all pads , huge , ceiling to floor windows , baby grand piano , and a skyline view of Chicago to kill for ...

I am , very , very , blown away ...

S , pulls out a gram of coke ( just the thing for Jetlag ) , we get high , we get happy ...

All good ..

We spend the evening , playing piano to each other , having sex , talking , kissing , cuddling up , and just having a really , really nice time ..

For the first time in my life , I felt like I had arrived ...

I can still remember one moment , as the sun set over Chicago behind the Sears tower .. The Flamingo's ( I only have eyes for you ) was playing on her strereo and we were mid snog , she had beautiful soft skin ... And I thought , my god , I think I'm falling in love , I was totally smitten ...

We spent the next two days together ....

It was , and still is , the best day's I have ever spent on this Earth , I was alive , for perhaps the first time in my life ..

When I die , I can say that I did that , and I'm sure it'll bring a smile to my face ....

I went on tour , and rang her every day , I couldn't stop thinking about this girl the whole time ..

What a fukin way to start a tour ...

We spent four years together in London after that ...

Shame it all went pair shaped though ..

If i ever get the time , and i'm in the right mood , i'll tell you the whole story of S ..

Call this part one , and we'll go from there ...

So S, if your still out there , and you ever read this ...

I'm sorry for the way it all panned out babe , and the way I treated you when my parents passed away..

I could think of nothing better than having you by my side again babe ..

I love you , I always have , and I always will ...

Fuck this still hurts

I need a beer !

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

How to get paid in the music industry

Sooo , I'm round at my mates house blogging this, cos this just has to be told ..

The afternoon unfolded like a fukin script , I couldn't of asked for better ..

Fukin RESULT !!

I apologies in advance for type errors , i'm speed typing this before I forget it all ..

Haven't a clue what i'm on about read : Oh-no-soho-part-2

Sooo , I arrive at the labels offices in record time , go through the door ( be cool mate , don't fuck this up ) .

The receptionist is sitting there twiddling her thumbs , we know each other ..

Her : " Oh hi **** how are you babe ? "

Me : " I'm fine doll where's KP " ..

Her : " he's err gone for a late lunch with the boss of ******* , they left about 10 mins ago "

Me : " Oh JL , I haven't seen him in years , how he doing ? "

Her : " He's looking really well , you should say Hi "

Me : " I'd love too , where are they eating ? "

Her : " Quo Vadis , just off Dean street "

Me : " I know the one , I'll head down there "

Her : " Shall I phone ahead and tell them your coming ? "

Me : " Naa don't bother , I'll suprise them , see ya babe "

Fukin Bingo , I'm hatching a plan in my head !!

I head out of the door and down to Quo Vadis ..

I know 5 things : 1. Quo Vadis is fukin expensive , 2. Quo Vadis types can't handle fuss ( at all ) , 3. KP is dining out on his expense account , 4. they won't have started lunch yet and 5. ( important this one ) JL's label has just had a world wide hit record ...

All good ...

I arrive at QV ...

Receptionist : " Can I help you sir ? "

Me : " Yes , yes you can , I'm dining at KP's table .. "

Recep : " But sir that table is only for 2 ? "

Me : " Not any more kid "

Recep : " I'm afraid that "

Me : " I'm afraid that what plank , would you like me to cause a fukin scene mate "

Recep : " Oh no sir , I don't think it will be a problem , it is of course a 4 seater table "

Clicks fingers

Recep : " Extra chair for table 5 please "

Me : " Thankyou "

I watch the waiter place the chair , and make my entrance ..

I sit straight down , look KP straight in the fukin eyes , adjust the chair and place the napkin on my knee ..

Me : " Sorry i'm a little late K "

JL : " Oh fukin wow **** how the fuck are you , I haven't seen you for what is it 2 maybe 3 years ? " ..

Me : " Yeah , i'm really cool mate , lifes all good , what did KP not tell you I was coming ? "

JL : " No , i guess he just loves his suprises , you know what , we were just talking about ......... "

KP , says absolutely fuck all , he know's that I know that he know's that I know .....

Yeah mate , you just fukin try , just fukin make me reveal the real reason i'm fukin here honey !!

We all chat for about 10 mins , KP is fukin squirming on his fat Jewish ass , and he knows he can't show it ...

The Waiter comes to the table ...

W : " Good afternoon sirs , and which menu would the gentlemen prefer "

Me : " The a la carte will be fine thank you "

KP , can't say a fukin thing , he knows where I'm going with this ..

W : " And for drink's ? "

Me : " Hey J ain't you just had that world wide hit , I think a bit of a celebration is in order "

JL : " yeah fukin rollin after that one"

Me : " In that case we'll have the vintage bolly then please "

W : " Bolly sir ?"

Me : " Bollinger mate "

JL : " fuck me you won the lottery mate "

Me : " No mate , it's K's turn this time around "

JL : " Nice one , thanks K "

KP : " Err yeah no problem "

He can't afford to look tight as this is after all a business getting lunch ..

I am fukin loving every minute of this ....

Bet you wished you hadn't tried to fuck me up the arse now mate !!!

We continue in our conversation ..

I'm scanning the a la carte menu ... Jackpot !!

Waiter returns pours the champagne ..

W : " Are you ready to order gentlemen ? "

Me : " I think so , hey J have you ever tried the Pan fried Jon dorry in here , it's excellent ? "

And also rather expensive ..

JL : " Oh yeah that looks good , i'll have that "

Me : " 2 , actually make that 3 of the Jon dorry please "

W : " Of course sir , right away "

I can see that KP is mentally adding this up in his head and thinking FUCK ...

I look him in the eyes again and give him my best sarcastic smile ..

The food arrives , we chat , I manage to ruin KP's business pitches by changing the subject a dozen time's , checkmate you fukin twat ...

He's getting really , really pissed at me now ...

So I order another bottle of Bolly , just to rub it in ...

I need the toilet so make my excuses and leave the table ..

I'm just washing my hands , when the toilet door fly's open and nearly explodes off it's fukin hinges , slamming into the wall ..

Me : " Watch it mate you'll have some fuckers eye out doin that "

KP , tries but fails to pin me up against the wall

KP : " What the fuck do you think you are playing at you fucking cunt ?? "

Me : " I could ask you the same fukin question , if you want to do this right now mate I'm fukin sooo game after your stupid little stunt , or you could just pay what you owe and I'll keep my mouth shut and stop ordering champagne , your fukin choice , fukin think about it "

KP calms down , i've got him over a barrel and he fukin knows it ...

KP : " All right you fucking win , I'll write you another cheque "

Me : " And if it bounces again ? "

KP : " It won't bounce , just as long as you keep your fucking mouth shut and stop fucking with my business , and STOP ORDERING FUCKING CHAMPAGNE YOU TWAT "

Oh we do use the most colourful language in the music biz !!

Me : " No problem mate , I guess that settles that "

We return to the table , all smiles , i've been paid and JL is non the wiser as to what has just gone down in the toilet's ..

I leave KP alone as he makes his business pitch ..

KP pays the now fukin huge bill , we all leave the restaurant , say our goodbye's , exchange numbers and go our seperate ways ...

And that my friends is how you get paid in the fukin music industry ..

For fucks sake !!!

Can't say I didn't enjoy it though !!

And I got to see an old friend ..

Top ..

Oh no Soho ! ... Part 2

Sooo , people in the music industry think they can do what the fuck they want ..

I produced this tune with some record label a couple of month's ago and they pissed me about soo much over money , that in the end I told him to pull the fukin tune ( my copywrite , so my call ! )

My exact words : " Listen fuck brains , if you can't pay for the work , you can't use the work . Your rubber cheques can bounce all the way back to the fukin Himalayas for all I care . I own the masters and they now live in the fukin dustbin Batman " .

All good , End of story .


I pick up the music press this morning and low and behold , A great big fukin review of my Production ..

The twat released the fukin record ...

Blinding review 5/5 , but that's not the fukin point ...

This prick won't return my calls or my e-mails ..

Sooo , I'm off out for a little trip to his offices in Soho ..

And I'm gonna kick his little Jewish ass all over fukin Soho Square ...

I actually love this part , because people assume your gonna react with a Lawyers letter , which in turn gets another Lawyers letter back , and on and on and on it goes ( where it stops , nobody knows ) , till we all get bored , he makes his money , I lose out with a big fukin lawyers bill , he wins . Where there's a hit there's a writ , that sorta thing ..

But not today bucko !! , I'm gonna go have a little fun at your expense mate ...

Ooo battle , Oooo Joy ..

Sooo , I'll let you know what happen's a little later on !

Right , Taxi !!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Umm !

Oh my god , we got shit faced yesterday , met up with a few friends ( who were still out from the night before ) at approx 1 pm and we finished drinking at 6 this morning ( I think ! )...

There was much carnage to behold ...

One of my mates decided it would be a good idea to sunbath in the pub beer garden , in just his Speedo's ( who the fuck wears Speedo's ? ) ..

He had his phone down the front of them so that he could make Trunk call's ( O dear ! ) ..

The evidence ...

You can't really see from this picture but the pub behind me is absolutely packed ...

We were getting some strange looks I can tell you , another of my mates was lying in the flower bed , and another had collapsed face down into a plate of fish pie ...

Someone had drawn a lovely Olympic celebration picture on the pub chalkboard soooo , we purchased our own chalk from the shop next door and added some lovely pictures of cat's , dogs , hens , space rockets and policecars which I think set off the olympic ring's quite nicely ..

The Pub owner thought differently and shouted at us !!

So we left and went on our merry way , sort of falling into the next available pub on route ..

Then when the time was right , we went clubbing , and that's all I can remember ..

I woke up in my own bed , so I guess I got home allright , haven't got a fukin clue how ?? ...

I'm actually amazed I don't have a hangover ..

Sooo got up , went for Sunday Lunch , had a pint , came home and read the Sunday Times ..

And that's about the size of that ...

Right , i'm off out to the Pub , to enjoy the rest of a beautiful summer's evening in London ..

See ya ...

Benny scale of fuckedness = 730

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Situation normal ( nothing fucked up )

Sooo , I travelled the ( full ) tube , I ran a club which was extra busy ( yeah you won't spoil our lives you twats ) , and I have returned to tell the tale ..

My mate P , missed the bombs by approx 10 mins , thank fuck ..

Life in London is all back to normal , I guess we take that as a big FUCK YOU to the terrorists ..

I guess London's is just too great a city to be bothered by your puny little games ..

As Stress queen so eloquently put , " a brief ripple in the rhythm of London life "

We laugh in your face !

In our quirky little English way ...

Ha ..

If the IRA didn't touch us , then you've got no fukin chance , you fukin pricks !!!

I feel proud of this towns resilience and composure in the face of adversity ...

Note to the people of London : You fukin rock !

Going to bed ...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Fukin go home !!

You fukin Terrorist Bastards !

I travelled past all of those tube stations yesterday , and I have to do it all again tomorrow + run a club smack bang in the centre of London + I can't travel anywhere today + I can't get in touch with my mates who work in the city ...

You truly are a bunch of twats !!

Hope you're all ok out there people !

Update : I've just read that one of the busses blown up was the No.30 , I was on that the other day ... for fucks sake !

Who are these people ??

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wow !!

I was coming out of London on the train earlier , from Waterloo past Vauxhall past Clapham Junction and I'm just travelling past Battersea power station ( listening to Wish You Were Here (( Pink Floyd )) of all things ) , when the sun brakes through the clouds and lights up London like i've never ever seen it before ... Absolutely fukin magnificent , every detail picked out in the deepest and thickest red glow, finished off with a sheen of pure copperish gold , truly beautiful , totally blew me away ... You had to be there !!!

Sooo today was one of those days when I'm glad to be alive ...

And that's that ..

Still Listening to Pink Floyd ( Smoking Blues Bootleg 1970 ) , them in front of a crowd of about 30 people ..Lucky fukers ( the crowd that is ) ..

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Does this shit only ever happen to me ???

This happened a couple of years ago ...

Soooo , i'm in the studio recording vocal's , i'm tired , the singers tired , it's been long day ...

I'm hungry , so I go and get some fish and chip from the chippy , I return to the studio ..

I make a cup of coffee , get on with the job and put the food and drink to one side ...

But ( and it's a big but ) , I've put sugar on the chips and salt in the fukin coffee ...

So after about ten minutes of recording , I see the now luke warm cup of coffee and instead of sipping , take a big gulp ... The fukin salt hits the back of my throat and I projectile vomit the coffee from my mouth and involenteraly throw the rest of the coffee from the mug ...

A disaster then unfolds !!

The coffee splashes all over the ( very very expensive ) SSL mixing desk , it's power supply , a B4 ( organ ) rotary cabinet ( full of high voltage valves ) , and a 4k power amp ...

A couple of seconds pass ..

Sizzle , sizzle , flash , KABOOM !!

The valve's fukin explode , the mixing desk shorts out , the power amp shorts out , the studio fukin shorts out , the fukin ( get this ) office shorts out , even the main building power brakers fail and fukin trip out ...

Complete fukin blackout ...


I hear a muffled little squeek from the vocal booth ( the door's been left open ) , now in complete darkness , " Ooooo !! "

Outcome : Desk 8 channels fucked , power amp blown , B4 rotary cabinet fucked , Hard disk fucked from the surge ( vocals session completely lost ) , office and building OK once maintanance arrives and reset the brakers ...

A very very expensive cup of coffee !!

Note to self : Do not put salt in your fukin coffee mate , ever !!

Jeez Louise ....

Monday, July 04, 2005

Degree or not degree , that be the question !

Feel all better now ...

Been shopping sooo have food and milk and fags and bread and supplies ..

Wrote a tune , then went for a walk with the old ipod and listened to Wish You Were Here ( always helps ) ..

Got a call from the band , they have just finished their last gig with their previous sound engineer ( the one i've replaced , he was pre booked for this show though ) , he fucked it right up , so i'm golden boy at the moment ...

Talking about fuking things up , did you hear the 8k feedback from the mics on the stage at the Live8 gig .. That was totally unexceptable ( whoever you were , i'll find out .. ) , on a job of that size and at that level that was pure amateur night at the Apollo mate , move over laddy , make way for the next genaration of feedback free engineers ... Some of the earlier bands sounded crap as well ( not the bands fault either !! ) , Travis sounded rubbish , and I know for a fact that it wasn't the band , they kept looking to the side of the stage , which means , " I can't hear anything turn me up !!! " + Snoops Dj could'nt hear cos he kept pointing skyward , which also means " I can't hear myself turn me the fuck up please " ... Amateur ...

Note to the people : Sometimes if you see a band and they sound shit , it isn't always the bands fault . You see , a really good band will sound terrible if the bloke at the back of the room or at the side of the stage ( there's 2 engineers at a big gig ) isn't doing his job properly ...

Special note to all sound engineer's with newly gained degrees : A degree means fuck all in the music industry , it especially dosen't mean you can do the job ... If you lot have degrees , I have a fukin PHD twice over ... As was made clear last week by some spotty faced Audio degree kid trying to tell me my job , " there's not enough 4k on the vocals" , he said . His band went on last , and he totally , totally fuked it up , that's why there's not enough 4k on the vocals mate , cos it feed's back like a mother you twat .. You were nearly crying by the time I bailed you out Plank boy !!! .. Sound engineers who teach degree students , do so because " they can't do the fukin job !! " ...

Rant over ...

Ooof that felt sooo good !!

Bloody Monday's

Why do I feel so bloody pissed off today , I shouldn't , I don't have to work till Wed ( although I'll work on some stuff in the house ) , I have no debt's , I have money in the bank , a brand new G5 , I've just spent a lovely weekend with Little Mistress and yet I still feel in a sodden pissy mood ...

It wasn't a full moon last night , I haven't missed anyone's birthday , I didn't do anything wrong at the weekend , i'm not on Police bail , and yet I sit here feeling sorry for myself , for fuck's sake cheer the fuck up you moron ...

There really is something about Monday's that makes for a bad mood ...

That's why I don't work Monday's , I just keep out of people's way ...

I just feel like going back to bed !

Monday's a shit day ..

And the milks gone off ...

And I have Bacon , but have run out of bread ...

And I didn't do the dishes last night so the kitchen's a mess ...

And I've run out of shower gel ..

And fag's ..

And .... Oh bollocks to this ...

Russian Stalker e-mail of the day :

HI! I am in S.P.B now!HOW ARE YOU????????????????????????????????????WHY YOU do not write me ????????????????????????????VERY,VERY STRANGE!!!

Because I don't fukin want to OK pet lamb !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .

Listening to : THE WHO ( The Who sells out ) , it's not helping though !!

Bugger !

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Dear Sir Bob ...

For what you have achieved today , you are without doubt one of the greatest men ever to walk the face of this planet ..

I humbly bow down in your presence ....

His legacy

You fukin rock ..

P.s. can I have my cd back mate...

Friday, July 01, 2005

50 ways to change your life ..

From an origional post written by me ( pissed ) several weeks ago , then pulled and forgotten about when I was in a bad mood ( don't ask , it's one of many !! ) ...

Bored with your life , try my easy guide to changing it forever ...

Not all for the best mind you !! but 100 % guaranteed ..

  1. Kick a policeman in the nuts... ( really fukin hard )
  2. Do a ski jump... ( on a sledge )
  3. Slap the key speaker at a feminists conference.. ( men only )
  4. Jump in front of a moving ambulance ( free ride to the hospital )
  5. Jump in front of a moving hearse ( free ride to the cemetery )
  6. Beat your boss up till he cries ...
  7. Play chicken on a motorway ( freeway )
  8. Fire yourself ..
  9. Set yourself on fire ...
  10. Start a fight in an Irish bar ...
  11. Spend £30,000 on credit cards and do a runner ( really works this one !! )
  12. kick a boxer in the nuts ...
  13. Joke about the bomb in your bag at any airport customs.. ( especially in America )..
  14. Joke about the drugs in your bag at any airport customs.. ( especially in Thailand )..
  15. Actually carry drugs in your bag going thru customs ( especially in Thailand ) ..
  16. Become a vicar ...
  17. Believe everything people tell you ...
  18. Wear a Shell/Bp/Texaco/oil company T-shirt at a Greenpeace meeting ..
  19. Sniff cocaine off a models behind ( all good )..
  20. Capture the evil spirit ( in a jam jar ) at an exorcism , and take the lid off in a confined space ..
  21. Take your star signs ( in tabloid newspapers ) and follow the advice given !!
  22. Believe in fairy's and mount a life crusade to take pictures of them ..
  23. As above but with UFO's/Yeti's/Ghosts etc etc etc....
  24. Learn to fly ( from a high place )...
  25. Take liquid LSD ( 1029% guaranteed )
  26. Take DMT ..
  27. Start believing politicians ...
  28. Enter yourself in the Indi 500 ( without a car )
  29. Have a TV on the side of a bubble bath , and try and change channels while standing up ..
  30. knock the Pope's hat off with an airgun !!
  31. Cause a Bush fire ( at the white house !! )
  32. Jump your highest jump , while stepping out of a helicopter ..
  33. Press the red button on a tour of any military base , any red button will do ..
  34. Pull the stripey lever in between your legs , while at mach 2 in a fighter jet ...
  35. Do a parachute jump without a parachute ..
  36. Try and jump between the White cliffs of Dover and France on a BMX ...
  37. Invent Dehydrated Water ( just add milk )..
  38. Invent the Hydrogen engine ( and watch as the whole world suffocate's )
  39. Invent a Star trek transporter machine.. ( Fukin please !!!! )..
  40. Then turn the power off half way through the first ever Diplomatic transport ...
  41. Or add something else as He/She is getting in .. King and spider , President and Rabbit poo , French Ambasador and frog , British Royal and mouldy pizza slice etc etc etc ... ( like in the fly ) ..
  42. Learn to speak Latin and spend your whole life trying to find a conversation ...
  43. Start a fight in a fish shop .. Batter the cod , put the herring in it's plaice , use the counter measure's , let the Girkin's get in a pickle etc etc etc ...
  44. Do a drug deal with a columbian , then rip him off ! ( you know who you are mate ! )
  45. Join a band ....
  46. Enter the Olympic 100m on speed or crystal meth ( new world record 3.4 secs )
  47. Invent a time machine and travel back to before you invented it .. Therefore ??
  48. Build a football sized atom bomb then donate it to the local school team ..
  49. Gamble all of your money on an event happening 1000 years from now ..
  50. or you could just get out of bed !!
And that's about the size of that ...

Actually I like this game , anybody fancy contributing to a Ways to change you life blog ??

If so , I 'll start it and anyone who has any tips i'll give a password to so we can all update it ???

Smashing idea me !!!

There you go , done it ...