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Thursday, November 03, 2005

It's all gone a bit Greek !!

Sooo , tonights band night was funny ..

I got sorta roped into doing the sound for this huge Greek celabration thing in central London , celebrating what , I don't know .. Greek people will celebrate getting a new gas fire if given half the chance ... Anyway , an easy night for me , a couple of singers , one guitar , a drum machine and a ballilika . easy peezy stuff ...

Sooo , nice people , good food , interesting music , beautiful women ( it's a pity that greek women all explode and turn into the Michelin man by the age of 35 but... when young , fit !! ) ..

Soo I'm having a lovely night perousing the talent , listening to the music , eating the food etc ... everybody happy , all good ..

Sooo , I'm doing my thing when all of a sudden the bigga boss runs over to me ...

" Right , that's it " He says , " the music stops by eleven " . It's was supposed to be on till 1 am ???

Me : " Why ? "

Him : " Take a look around , they've all brought their own booze , I've taken fuking £10 on the till "

I look around and low and behold he's dead fukin right , there's like a thousand bottles of wine and not one of them is the brand that the bar sells .... OMG !!

Sooo, It gets to Eleven and the bar closes and all the staff disappear like a bunch of cockroaches in a lightbulb factory ..

Ok , I get the picture .. Muggins here is going to be the one to turn off the sound system , put on all the house lights and become a target range when all hell brakes loose because " we're not ready to go home just yet thanks " , Fine , o fukin yeah , I know what side of the fence I'm standing on tonight ... Bastards !!!

So , I mute all of the music on the mixing desk and approach the stage .. The crowd still thinks it's just the end of another song till .... Well till I turn on the house lights and then they get the picture ... Ouch !!

I can see the bar staff all hiding behind the bar and laughing at me as all hell brakes loose ... Bastards !!!

Of course I'm to blame as the drinks start flying ( In my fukin direction ) ... Thank gawd for plastic glasses is all that I can say !!

So I make it back to the sound booth and lock the fukin door ( Hidding behind pillars and generally doing the stealth thing along the way ) , I sit down , crack open a bottle of Becks and sorta hide beneath the mixing desk ... I was there for 45 mins as the place erupted .. These people just did not want to go fukin home , at all !!

Ok so I'm sat there thinking that I'm gonna be here all fukin night .. Fuck that , I can catch the last tube home here if I'm clever ..

So I put my little brain in gear ...

Most mixing desks have a test oscillator , A test oscillator is a built in sound generator that emits a sound wave at the touch of a button ( A 1Khz sine wave if your interested ) it's used to set up the sound system and check the alignment of speakers etc , it's like a constant high pitched tone which is really really not pleasent to the ears , at all ( in fact it will drive you mad if you leave it on too long coz you can't think and nobody can hear a damn thing your saying ) 1Khz is roundabout the middle frequency of human conversation ...

Right you fuckers !!

Ear plugs in , headphones on , rig up full blast , I press the oscillator button ...


etc. etc . !!!

Approximation of a sine wave !!!

Ok , you fukin try and spell it clever pants ....

I swear to gawd the venue cleared of people in about a minute flat .. The people went running for cover like we were being bombed by the fukin Nazis again ....

Ha !!

Good thinking batman , I definately get my scouts venue clearing badge for that one I can tell you ..

So .. Venue all clear , staff all deaf ( That'll teach em to laugh at me ) , last tube home ..

I fukin rule with a big sharp pointy stick thing ...

Right , who's next ...


Blogger mcdolph said...

that's a peach! i'll have to remember that one. nice one.

12:29 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You seriously crack me up! I'm a Canadian girl loving this blog!!! FYI I went to London this summer and had a fab fab time, bombing aside.

12:42 pm  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

that shit was rad.

still laughin

12:51 am  
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

You're a lot smarter than you appear- classic hiding manuever. I am little surprised that you survived-- I mean, getting between a Greek and his drink is one thing. Ending a party full of Greeks who want to keep partying-- that's just asking for a riot.

1:44 am  
Blogger headphonesex said...


You're a c*nt.

But a very funny c*nt!!!!!

Good work!

(Although I reckon you should have switched the oscillator to the frequency where everyone shits themselves involuntarily. Now THAT would have cleared the place....!)

10:35 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

I would love to , but that's about 20hz ( super low ) and takes an amp the size of a car too do ... Did you know the Germans tried to do that in the Second World War but couldn't find a suitable power source ... Troops shitting themselves on the battle field , nice touch !!

And atlas ... Tell me about it mate !!

10:58 am  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

Good thinking, Boy Wonder! That showed those hairy greek bastards who's thing or two. To the Bat-Tube!

4:52 pm  

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