Lost in ze translation ...

Oh dear .. Last night !

Sooo , I get to the venue at about 5pm coz the band wanted to set up early , and I waited and waited and waited and at about 8.30 the band finally decides to fukin stroll in ... Stroll on !!

The doors were supposed to be open at 8 ??

So I go over to them " Ok your a bit ( a fukin bit !! ) late lads so were gonna have to sound check double time here people "

I get a limited responce .. " Errr " and " Grunt " Soo after about another 20 mins nothing is happening , I mean like half the drum kit is assembled but we really need to be going a bit faster than this ... So I go over again ..

" Is somebody gonna do something here or fukin what ? " ... Again a limited responce of " Grunt " , and another ten minutes of nothing , by this time it's 9 pm ; so I go over again ..

" Look lads I'm not been funny , but you've really , really , gonna have to start sorting your fukin shit out here " ... Again this limited responce thing of " Errr !! " and " Grunt !! " ...

I think " Right , fuck this for a game of soldiers " , I take hold of the situation ...

" Right , you Mr Drummer sit hear , you Mr Bass player stand hear , you Mr Guitarist , here ..." etc. etc .

" Ok , Mr Drummer , I want you to start hitting the snare so I can Eq the sound from the FOH ... Ok ? "

No responce ...

I start to lose the plot a bit ...

" It hits the fukin snare with the fukin drum stick or it get the hose again !! "

No responce ..

" Hit the fukin snare with the fukin drum stick !! " , I'm getting fukin angry at this point ...

No responce ..

" Listen pal , hit the fukin snare , before I fukin hit you " ....

" Grunt " ..... Oh , at last , a fukin grunt !!!

" What are you fukin stupid mate , hit the fukin snare , HIT IT !! , what are you fukin deaf ?? "

Drummer " Speaking English I am not ... "

Okeey dookey ....

R ... a problemo . the band no speaking the English .. Oh for fuck sake ...

There fukin French , not just French but rural fukin French .... Oh dear , I mean I can speak French but not well enough to soundcheck a fukin band : there are all sorts of technical phrases I'm unaware of here people ??

Soo , plan B ( It's now 9.25 pm , the venue has a 11.00 pm kurrfew ) , I get on the FOH mic ..

" Does anyone in the venue speak French ? "

This rather sexy young vixen comes over to me , " I can speak ze Franche ( Sic ) .. "

Oh la la ... Ello young madam ..

" Right , you , on stage luv , now ! "

" I speak from up there , you will hear me from these boxes here , you translate to the band thus ... "

" Ok ... Youze speek , I hearze , I translteze , weee " she says ..

" Bingo luv ... bang on , off you trot !! "

So she sorta floats up to the stage ... We may be here some fukin time !!

Anyway , we finally manage to get the band all sound-checked and sounding nice by 10 pm .. Thank fuck ..

So , thank you pretty maiden , you saved me from certain doom .. ( Rescued by a Fair Maiden ....Isn't that supposed to be the other way around ? , never mind ; modern life Eh ... )

Turns out this band are really fukin shit hot musicians , so I totally enjoyed the gig ...

They filled the band room with fukin spliff smoke though ... But that , too me , is not really a problem !!

So band off stage by 11 pm .. Good evening of music , everybody happy ; all good ...

You would think the venue would have told me that the band were French , I'm sure they don't on purpose .. Fuckers ..

Ok , soo , I'm having a day off today and I'm gonna just chill out and clean the flat and listen to some good music , cook some good food etc ...

All good ...

Later ...