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Thursday, March 02, 2006

One nutcase and his ( dead ) dog ..

Look how grey and miserable London is at the moment ... Roll on summer !!

Sooo, Met up with my mate N Yesterday and we both had a pint and talked business and pleasure in West London..

We started off in Portobello Rd and within five minutes we got attacked by some fukin idiot nutjob while we were just sitting talking at the bar ???

So yeah , I'm just sat talking to N when this Nutter comes in , sits next to us and starts talking to himself ( as you do ? ) Next thing we know he jumps up , forces his way between me and N and he's like : " Whatta you fucking say ? " Oh for crying out loud !!

Ok , first port of call ... I look at his hands . You can always tell the level of nutter by the lack of knuckles on his hands . This guys knuckles are flat as a pancake , oh fuck , definitely a scrapper !!

Him again : " Wadda you fucking saying about me ?"

Fuck this , we hold our ground ..

Me : " Mind your fukin business !! "

Him : " I'll mind what I wanna mind "

N's looking well on the defensive .. He can be a real hot head when it suits him ..

I get off my bar stool look the guy straight in the eye and I'm like : " listen mate .. JUST FUCK OFF WILL YA !! "

I kinda think this guy thinks of himself as a bit of a bully, so I guess he wasn't quite expecting my responce ..

The manager has gone to the back room and is on the phone , calling the coppers I expect ..

Him : " Yeah .. you wanna take it outside ? "

Me : " Take fukin what outside mate ?? Listen I'm just having a pint with my mate here , SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN FUKIN BUSINESS and just FUCK OFF !!"

N : " yeah mate FUCK OFF !! "

Man this is gonna kick off ....

We're in the stand-off zone here and it's not looking good ..

The stand-off lasts a couple more minutes with nobody showing signs of backing down ... and why the fuck should we !!

This is just way fukin stupid , it's Wed afternoon for fuck sake ??

Anyway ...

The boys in blue arrive just in the nick of time , thank fuck coz that was really about to blow!!

Copper : " Not you again , what have we told you before ?"

Nutter : " It's not my fault ... my dog died this morning "

The guy starts crying ( I shit you not ) ??

What the fuck ??

N , I think more from relief than anything else , bursts out laughing !!

Nutcase runs over a takes a swing at him .. N , ducks .... The copper grabs nutjob from behind : " Right son ,that's it , your coming with me !! "

Nutter : "But me dog just died "

What the fuck !! The thing is , it's actually stupid enough to be believable coming from this doughnut ..

Copper : " Sorry about that lads , he does this all the time "

N : " Lock him up and throw away the key mate "

Copper :" I wish !! "

He leaves the bar with nutcase in an armlock ...

For fuck's sake !!

" Lock him up and throw away the key " , no shit !!

N : " let's get the fuck out of here mate !!"

Me : " Yep !! "

We toddle off down the road and onto Ladbroke Grove and one of my fav pubs the Earl Percy: See the tiny little door at the back , that leads off into a sorta secret bar .. how cool is that ..

Anyway , after that one incident the rest of the day was how it should be ... Fukin normal !!

I swear , Portobello road has become a breeding ground for first class nutjobs lately ..

It's all a bit much really...

I'm cooking leek , potato and ham soup and the smell is drifting around the whole fukin house ... Yum Yum !

Hungry man ..

Laters ..


Blogger pop renaissance said...

christ - exchange portobello road for telegraph avenue and you've got berkeley right there in a nutshell.

not enough people smoke the herb, as this painfully illustrates.

7:10 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Damn right !!

7:14 pm  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

sorry. haven't read a lot lately.

chastising myself for missing your posts. this one kicks ass.

7:35 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

I was just thinking the other day that I hadn't seen you around for a while mate ...

8:12 pm  
Blogger Smartypants said...


12:23 am  
Blogger mcdolph said...

sounds like lovely fun. haven't had a good nutter experience in a while meself.

izzat you in the mirror mate? better be careful with that camera

12:35 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

No it's my mate N fukin with my camera while I was in the toilet ..

12:40 am  
Blogger velvetbabe said...

missed reading you mate, doubleplus funny as ever...

missed that scary film, but yes---saw stuff like that in my childhood (same era) too!
it was the age of "duck and cover" under your desk in school for a while there...grim.

ciao for now, o funny one!..........


7:03 pm  

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