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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Sound advice seemingly??

Random graphic eq pic of the day !!

Soo, sorry for the lack of posting recently, I really haven't had the time.

Today, I'm back in the studio doing re-mixes for one of the majors, this is my lunch break and the only time I have to post, so I'll do my best.

Ok, this kinda pissed me off this morning as I was doing a brief flit through the news, it's not the fact that ipods may or may not effect hearing, that's irrelevant, it's the fukin sound laws in general that get me.

Ok, so this post is dedicated to the little men in white coats from the government that drop by venues, concerts, nightclubs, gigs and outdoor events every now and again, just to throw a polically correct fukin spanner in the works and do everybody's fukin head in!!

They carry a sound level meter and hide in corners ready to spring at the first sign of a drum stick being raised and always in the first crucial minute of a band starting to play. The dialogue kinda goes like this:

GO ( government official ) : Can I have a word sonny?

Me: Err not right now mate, I'm kinda busy!!

GO: Yes now!!

Me: Mate I'm engineering a band, you blind or something?

GO ( pointing at the sound level meter ) : Now!!!

At this point the metermen usually intervene and won't let you leave the soundbooth till the mixing desk has all but been muted to the point where nobody hears a fukin thing???

Sooo, off you trot to a quieter place in the fukin venue only to be told like some naughty fukin schoolkid that " The sound sytem is just too bloody loud sonny " and then given a half hour fukin lecture on the finer points of sound level control???

Yeah yeah, whatever mate!!!

By this point, the band have walked off stage in a hissyfit coz nobody can hear the vocals and they sound shit and everybody's booing at them??

Of course this puts you directly in the firing line as soon as you return from your playschool fukin lecture..

Hell hath no fury like a rockstar scorned!!!

Oh and I've had some classics thanks to these environmentally brain deficient sonic testing government cockroaches...

Classic 1: I was doing a gig in the Waldorf hotel a couple of years ago ( horrible room for a gig, glass walls and a marble floor ) this 'Meterman' was on my case from the minute the guitarist struck his first chord, this guy comes running over and he's like ( pointing at his meter ): "Sir that's just too loud, you'll need to turn it down!! " Trouble was that the sound was only coming from the guitarists amp on stage, the 30k Turbosound ( motherfucker from hell ) rig right in front of me: wasn't even fukin turned on yet!!!

Classic 2: ( Notting Hill carnival 1998 ) The Meterman had given us so much shit all day over the mobile 20k rig that two Jamaican geezers who had been trying to dance and had overheard my constant bickering with this stuborn fukin prick, picked the fucker up and chucked him head first into the Grand union canal to the cheers of about 1000 party people.... Ha !!!

Aww, does wet doggy need a bath?

Ok, soo the laws guidelines state that if the soundlevel is above 85db (80db for the new European laws?) then basically it's too fukin loud !!

What a load of fukin bollocks!!

These laws are drawn up for factories where people may be stood next to the same machine at 85db day in and day out for say ten years, fair enough, yet they try to apply the same fukin laws to sound systems that can easily peak ( for a couple of milliseconds ) at 120 db, the two just ain't the same fukin thing, period!!!

Ok... Let's break this down with a simple explaination in Lay terms of the decibel..

Right :

40db = Mouse asleep ( or doing the crossword ) @ 1 meter

60db = Mouse doing the washing up ( or having a little tap dance ) @ 1 meter

70db = Normal conversation @ 1 meter

75db = Hoofing a kittycat ( hard ) @ 1...5...10 meters

80db = Telephone dial tone @ 1 meter

85db = Vacuum cleaner ( blue and white stripey hoover model ) @ 1 meter

90db= Traffic noise ( including SUV's and those stupid looking Porsche fukin transit van things ) @ 5 meters

95db = Having a ruk with your partner about " Why the fuck is there a fukin mouse tap dancing in the kitchen fukin cupboards dear???"... " Sorry love, it's a bit of an experiment I'm conducting on sonics!!" ... " Sonics! I'll fukin sonic you in a moment if you don't..... etc. etc .etc.

100db= Jackhammer @ 10 meter ( 110db if it goes over your fukin foot ) , or a club system playing at 70% approx volume

110db= Rock concert ( economy sized ) @ 10 meters

120db= Jet engine ( taking off , with a plane attached ) @ 100 meters

130db = Threshold of pain ( I like this one!! )

140db= The foreign country that George Bush has decided to invade this week!!

180db=Rocket engine @ 30 meters, Blue whale humming @ 1 meter ( I shit you not!! )

250db= Standing inside a nuclear explosion ( not advisable this one, just take my word for it eh ! ) plus you'll probably break the meter!!

And ( don't with the and shit!! ) there you have it, so upon looking at this chart, you can kinda gather that when the Meterman walks through a venue door: You might as well turn off the fukin sound system and just go home..

Another example of political bullshitical correctness gone horribly wrong..

Finally I must apologise to who eventually turned their servers back on, albeit three days later (a virtual century in internet time) , I'm stupid, your not ok!!

Ok, back to work



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to work in a night club with a presure level of 112 db (from the centre of the dance floor with speakers flown at 4 meters, which isn't particularly loud).

If a punter wishes to come into a "loud music environment" then that's their fucking choice, they know the risks and it's their fault if they loose their hearing, end of story.

I worked in that environment for 8 years, 4 nights a week and my hearing is.....ok, not great

Saying "I lost my hearing because of an iPod" is like saying "I lost my license because I bought a Ferrari"

It's going to fucking happen, deal with it.....cunts

9:03 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Hear hear!!

9:05 pm  
Anonymous tilda said...

re: Notting Hill 98, lol that is soo wrong.. oh my god. Like good that they wanted to stand up for you, but god forbid you were having a serious fight... what would they have done killed him??

11:36 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

No dear, seriously it was all done as a joke, the guy had been threatening to close the sound system down all day and had even managed to sabbotage it twice by firstly switching off the generator and then by pulling out one of the speaker leads..

This guy wasn't giving in and coz it was carnival we just didn't give a shit about him or his stupid sound regs..

The two Jamaicans ( who were mates with th DJ ) caught him on his final assault, picked him up and tossed him in the canal.. It was totally hillarious..

He kinda got the message after that and it was a red hot day so he'll of dried off pretty quickly.

12:09 am  

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