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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

How to get paid in the music industry ( Part 2 )

Sooo , the day starts a little like this :

I get up , put the radio on , have a shower , make some coffee , go downstairs , collect the mail , come back upstairs , check my emails and sift through the mail ..

All good .

Oh ! , a couple of CD demos , bit of junk mail , mobile phone bill ( we'll open that later ) , a letter from my bank , etc. etc. etc .

Open bank letter , Dear Mr ***** , cheque , blagh blagh , funds , blagh blagh , credit , blagh , blagh , blagh .. Yawn ..

Finish my coffee , listen to ( crap ) demos , chuck em in the bin ...

WOOOHHHH !!!!!

STOP THE FUKIN PRESS !!!

Fukin rewind that last bit !!

Pick up letter from the bank again ..

Dear Mr ***** , the cheque you deposited last week has not cleared due to insufficient funds on the writer's behalf ..

THE FUKIN WHAT HAS DONE FUKIN WHAT BECAUSE OF FUKIN WHAT !!!!

Hoo , hoo , !!!

I read it again , and again ..

After all that shit I went through last week ( How to get paid in the blagh , blagh ) , the fuker has bounced a cheque on me again ...

Mate , this is fukin war , you tight fukin Jewish twat !!!!

I pick up the phone , I put down the phone , I pick up the phone , I put down the phone , I pick up the phone , I put down the phone .

I shout at the radio , I jump up and down , I shout at the TV , I jump up and down some more ..

I shout at the moth , I squash the moth ( sorry mate ) ,

I kick the laudry basket ..

I ,

I ,

I fukin Urrrrraaaaagghhhhhh !!!!!!

I'm not happy ..

At all ...

I calm down , and I'm thinking , " Right I'm gonna get my fukin money out of you , if it fukin kills me , it's a principle thing now matey boy !! "

" And I'm gonna do it from the comfort of my own fukin home mate ... "

Sooo, I go for a walk , and a think !!

I return , with a cunning plan ..

This is how it goes ...

I ring the manufacturing plant where the CD's are being cut , I have a mate B who works there ..

Dring dring !!!

B : " Elloooo "

Me : " hey B mate , it's **** "

B : " Whazzzuuppp " ,

Me : " Shit loads mate you got 5 " ,

B : " Yeah mate no probs , i'm on a tea break anyways " ,

I tell B the whole story ..

B : " You know what , that KP's a prick , he's always on my case to speed up manufacturing on a CD run , you know , he's not the only fuker with a record label and deadlines , the fukin cunt !! " ,

Me : " B , mate , when are you pressing His/My tune "

B : " Thurs mate , there's a 10,000 run on it " ..

Me : " Ok , bin it "

B : " Mate , you know I can't fukin do that "

Me : " You know you fancy T's sister "

B : " Err yeah "

Me : " I'll set you up "

I can hear B's brain ticking ..

Bing !!!

B : " Yeah alright , but it's not gonna be easy , how the fuck can I bin a run and get away with it mate "

Me : " Easy , listen , you know the glass CD master , drop it by accident "

B : " Ha , ha , you sly fuker "

You see , in order to manufacture a CD , a glass master must be made as a one off mold , no glass master , no fukin CD's , and because I have the other master at home , Fukin KP will have to come to me in order to get my master in order to make a new glass master , simple , effective ..

Me : " only don't really drop it , just make it look like you have , and then you can charge him a remastering fee , coz it wasn't really your fault , he was putting too much pressure on you "

B : " Yeah mate , I hear ya , loud and clear "

Me : " Also , can you ring KP and tell him his runs fucked "

B : " Will do , he ain't gonna be appy tho ! "

Me : " Tough fukin titty , I owe you a drink mate "

B : " And a date mate "

Me : " Your really not my type "

B : " Ha , you know what I mean "

Me : " Later B "

B : " Later's "

Click ...

Stick that fucker in your pipe and smoke it KP , fukin chekerty checkmate no.2 , cunt ..

I sit back and wait for the call ..

10 mins pass

Bring fukin brink ..

Me : " Ellooo "

KP : " Hey **** , you'll never guess what happened mate , my PA stopped your cheque by accident " .

Me : " you're avin a fukin laugh aint you "

KP : " No mate , I'm really sorry , I'll tell you what I'll do , if you come to the office , i'll sort you the cash "

Me : " That's really nice of you mate "

KP : " Yeah , I think I've pissed you about enough "

Me : " Naa mate I wouldn't say that "

KP : " Also , while were on the phone , the fukin idiot at the pressing plant's dropped the glass master , so were going to have to do another mate "

Me : " Your in luck I've got a day off tomorrow , so I'll swing by the office and pick up my cash , then , ( and only then !! ) , I'll go up to the plant and get a new one cut for you "

KP : " Sweet mate , I'll see you tomorrow "

Me : " I'll be round about 1 then , see ya "

KP : " Cheers "

Click ..

I FUKIN RULE , WITH A BIG SHARP POINTY STICK .....

So we'll see what happens tomorrow ..

Plus , I don't really have to go to the plant , the glass master still exists , I just have to put in a call to B ...

Everybody happy , jobs a good un !!

Right , can I make some fukin music now ...

For fucks sake !!!!

14 Comments:

Blogger LeeLoreya said...

reading the first part in which you seem to display serious hyperactive/obsessivecomplulsive behavior, I can understand why you need a trampoline.
"which is nice".

3:21 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

I just don't like being made a fool of by my peers ..

3:35 pm  
Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

I don't owe you any money, right? Good. NOW MAKE SOME MUSIC... and that poor, little moth. That's called passing the buck mate. I think he's primed to sue you.

4:32 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

He can't sue me he's too squished ..

4:40 pm  
Blogger LeeLoreya said...

a moth's sole purpose in life is to be exterminated.

4:59 pm  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

oooh, you are a sly fucker, aren't you!

Nice job, mate!

6:34 pm  
Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

KP deserves it all - allowing a cheque to bounce is just bad business!

11:02 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

It's bounced three times now ..

Cash only tomorrow , or no master's for him .

11:10 pm  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

awesome. as usual.

1:22 am  
Blogger Spo said...

outstanding - shame about the moth though...

1:32 pm  
Blogger mr. tomas ubik said...

its like a networked connection piss off...who knows more people, and who of those people are willing to fuk the other for a better peer.

good on ya...if i ever need someone killed, ill see if you know their secretary, mistress, or or pissed wife to run it through.

5:52 pm  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

wow.

I have to say, I am WELL impressed with your solution to this situation.

Absolute bare respect and peace and love to you today

x

4:36 am  
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

Awesome post. Your ability to screw people (justifiably) would make you a natural in Hollywood. Wanna work for CAA?

6:47 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

What's the CAA

The Civil Aviation Authority , I am not a plane ..

I was just trying to get paid by this fuker !!

8:54 pm  

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