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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

How to get paid in the music industry

Sooo , I'm round at my mates house blogging this, cos this just has to be told ..

The afternoon unfolded like a fukin script , I couldn't of asked for better ..

Fukin RESULT !!

I apologies in advance for type errors , i'm speed typing this before I forget it all ..

Haven't a clue what i'm on about read : Oh-no-soho-part-2

Sooo , I arrive at the labels offices in record time , go through the door ( be cool mate , don't fuck this up ) .

The receptionist is sitting there twiddling her thumbs , we know each other ..

Her : " Oh hi **** how are you babe ? "

Me : " I'm fine doll where's KP " ..

Her : " he's err gone for a late lunch with the boss of ******* , they left about 10 mins ago "

Me : " Oh JL , I haven't seen him in years , how he doing ? "

Her : " He's looking really well , you should say Hi "

Me : " I'd love too , where are they eating ? "

Her : " Quo Vadis , just off Dean street "

Me : " I know the one , I'll head down there "

Her : " Shall I phone ahead and tell them your coming ? "

Me : " Naa don't bother , I'll suprise them , see ya babe "

Fukin Bingo , I'm hatching a plan in my head !!

I head out of the door and down to Quo Vadis ..

I know 5 things : 1. Quo Vadis is fukin expensive , 2. Quo Vadis types can't handle fuss ( at all ) , 3. KP is dining out on his expense account , 4. they won't have started lunch yet and 5. ( important this one ) JL's label has just had a world wide hit record ...

All good ...

I arrive at QV ...

Receptionist : " Can I help you sir ? "

Me : " Yes , yes you can , I'm dining at KP's table .. "

Recep : " But sir that table is only for 2 ? "

Me : " Not any more kid "

Recep : " I'm afraid that "

Me : " I'm afraid that what plank , would you like me to cause a fukin scene mate "

Recep : " Oh no sir , I don't think it will be a problem , it is of course a 4 seater table "

Clicks fingers

Recep : " Extra chair for table 5 please "

Me : " Thankyou "

I watch the waiter place the chair , and make my entrance ..

I sit straight down , look KP straight in the fukin eyes , adjust the chair and place the napkin on my knee ..

Me : " Sorry i'm a little late K "

JL : " Oh fukin wow **** how the fuck are you , I haven't seen you for what is it 2 maybe 3 years ? " ..

Me : " Yeah , i'm really cool mate , lifes all good , what did KP not tell you I was coming ? "

JL : " No , i guess he just loves his suprises , you know what , we were just talking about ......... "

KP , says absolutely fuck all , he know's that I know that he know's that I know .....

Yeah mate , you just fukin try , just fukin make me reveal the real reason i'm fukin here honey !!

We all chat for about 10 mins , KP is fukin squirming on his fat Jewish ass , and he knows he can't show it ...

The Waiter comes to the table ...

W : " Good afternoon sirs , and which menu would the gentlemen prefer "

Me : " The a la carte will be fine thank you "

KP , can't say a fukin thing , he knows where I'm going with this ..

W : " And for drink's ? "

Me : " Hey J ain't you just had that world wide hit , I think a bit of a celebration is in order "

JL : " yeah fukin rollin after that one"

Me : " In that case we'll have the vintage bolly then please "

W : " Bolly sir ?"

Me : " Bollinger mate "

JL : " fuck me you won the lottery mate "

Me : " No mate , it's K's turn this time around "

JL : " Nice one , thanks K "

KP : " Err yeah no problem "

He can't afford to look tight as this is after all a business getting lunch ..

I am fukin loving every minute of this ....

Bet you wished you hadn't tried to fuck me up the arse now mate !!!

We continue in our conversation ..

I'm scanning the a la carte menu ... Jackpot !!

Waiter returns pours the champagne ..

W : " Are you ready to order gentlemen ? "

Me : " I think so , hey J have you ever tried the Pan fried Jon dorry in here , it's excellent ? "

And also rather expensive ..

JL : " Oh yeah that looks good , i'll have that "

Me : " 2 , actually make that 3 of the Jon dorry please "

W : " Of course sir , right away "

I can see that KP is mentally adding this up in his head and thinking FUCK ...

I look him in the eyes again and give him my best sarcastic smile ..

The food arrives , we chat , I manage to ruin KP's business pitches by changing the subject a dozen time's , checkmate you fukin twat ...

He's getting really , really pissed at me now ...

So I order another bottle of Bolly , just to rub it in ...

I need the toilet so make my excuses and leave the table ..

I'm just washing my hands , when the toilet door fly's open and nearly explodes off it's fukin hinges , slamming into the wall ..

Me : " Watch it mate you'll have some fuckers eye out doin that "

KP , tries but fails to pin me up against the wall

KP : " What the fuck do you think you are playing at you fucking cunt ?? "

Me : " I could ask you the same fukin question , if you want to do this right now mate I'm fukin sooo game after your stupid little stunt , or you could just pay what you owe and I'll keep my mouth shut and stop ordering champagne , your fukin choice , fukin think about it "

KP calms down , i've got him over a barrel and he fukin knows it ...

KP : " All right you fucking win , I'll write you another cheque "

Me : " And if it bounces again ? "

KP : " It won't bounce , just as long as you keep your fucking mouth shut and stop fucking with my business , and STOP ORDERING FUCKING CHAMPAGNE YOU TWAT "

Oh we do use the most colourful language in the music biz !!

Me : " No problem mate , I guess that settles that "

We return to the table , all smiles , i've been paid and JL is non the wiser as to what has just gone down in the toilet's ..

I leave KP alone as he makes his business pitch ..

KP pays the now fukin huge bill , we all leave the restaurant , say our goodbye's , exchange numbers and go our seperate ways ...

And that my friends is how you get paid in the fukin music industry ..

For fucks sake !!!

Can't say I didn't enjoy it though !!

And I got to see an old friend ..

Top ..


Blogger your father said...


Fuck yeah.

Nice one.

2:13 am  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

mother fucker.... that is so awesome.

I totally rate you.

I offer you pure respect for that one.


2:29 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yeah but , there has got to be easier ways of getting paid people ..

Sometime's the thought of a steady wage is so enticing ....

Naa fuck that ...

10:03 am  
Blogger mr. tomas ubik said...

by far your tales of industry shinanigans are my favorite passer by in this bloggosphere.

cheers to you...cause unlike many these tales are too perfect to be cooked up...

ill write the screenplay, if you produce!


7:52 pm  
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

And here I thought I was ballsy. Apparently not.

6:22 pm  
Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

Great work!~ and writing as well...

Take no prisoners!

1:53 am  
Blogger pepsi said...

reminds me of this one: "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." (HST)

11:44 am  
Blogger Spo said...

that was a priceless fuck over - well done

5:19 am  
Anonymous fivehorizons said...

Very well played....Cheers to you for busting his balls

9:49 pm  

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