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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Quack Ravers

Soo, It's been a while since I've posted a story ... and me and my mate A where talking about this the other day so as it's fresh in my mind it only seems appropriate to blog it ...

Ok , so it's 1992 at the height of the British rave scene and I'm doing a gig in Scotland .. The venue was a disused airport terminal not far from Edinburgh ( near Stirling I think ) .. Capacity about 3500 people completely off their faces on Extacy , speed , coke etc...

So I've just finished my gig when this guy approaches ... I sorta recognise this guy but I can't put my finger on where from ..

The conversation goes a little like this :

Him : " Hey , can I ask you a favour ? "

Me : " depends what mate ? "

Him : " can I borrow your keyboard rig for ten minutes ? "

Me : " What the fuck do you mean , can I borrow your keyboard rig ? "

Him : " I'm mim-ing a P.A. and I need to borrow a keyboard , R ( the promoter ) told me to see you about it " .

Me : " Err yeah I suppose so ... but you pay if anything gets fucked right ! "

Him : " Yeah no problem "

Me : " Ok then ! "

I still can't put my finger on where this guy's from but i've seen him somewhere before .. Also he looks kinda out of place here ?

Anyway , I go back to the dressing room and chill out , take some more drugs , snog some groupies blagh blagh blagh !!

At this point I'm kinda pissed , kinda high , kinda just been paid a stupid amount of money for a 30 min set ... All good ..

R ( the promoter ) bursts into the room ...

R : " You gotta fukin see this mate "

Me : " What ? "

R : " come with me "

I follow ... Into the main arena ...

What the fuck !!!!

Before my eyes I see 3000 people stood transfixed onto my keyboard rig ( a trippy enough site seeing a room full of people high on drugs standing completely still ) ... But , and it's a big but ..

There's a spotlight on my rig and this bizzare rave cover version of a 80's childrens chart hit blasting out of a 50k sound system ... And get this ... THERES A FUKIN GREEN ( yes fukin green ) FURRY REMOTE CONTROL DUCK PLAYING MY FUKIN KEYBOARD RIG ....

I'm stun'd the crowd look like rabbits caught in headlights , the promoters are stun'd the sound engineers , Saint Johns ambulance people and even the fukin obligatory peace keeping coppers are fukin stun'd ??

There's a green fukin furry fukin duck playing my keyboards at a fukin 3000 people rave ...

If ever I didn't need to be coming up slightly on acid .... It was now ...

Even though there's music blaring out of a huge sound system there's complete fukin silence in this venue ..

Ha !! . what the fuck ???

Ok let me explain this ... The Green furry fukin duck is a remnant of late eighties Saturday night British TV .. His name is Orville ( he hangs around with cuddles ) and he had a chart hit called " I wish I could fly " ... This has been remixed into a Rave dance tune ( god only knows why ?? ) and this is the tunes debut using my fukin keyboard rig ??

The keyboards have been recruited by Keith Harris ( his handler ) ... Thus the familiarality ..

I say again ... Ha !... what the fuck ???

Anyway .. The gig finishes ( somebody claps at the back !! ) , the duck disappears ..

Phew , that was close ..

So me and R return to the dressing room ..

R : " Tell me that didn't just happen ? "

Me : " I don't fukin know ? "

R : " Scary ! "

Me : " Scary ! "

R : " Scary !! "

Me : " Real scary !!! "

We go about our business ... Snogging groupies , doing drugs etc . etc .

In the dressing room there's an adjoining door and out of curiousity R opens it ..

There on the dressing table sits Orville in all his green furry remote control glory ..

R looks at me .. I look at R .... R looks at me again ...


Orville is bundled into a carrier bag .. His mouth duck taped ( sic ) for added effect , and smuggled out of the venue .. we'll that's what I was made to believe .. to protect those involved on a need to know basis ( you know how these covert operation affairs go ) ..

Anyway .. I sort of forget about this as the LSD takes its effect and go into the crowd for a dance ..

I'm dancing away when a hand grabs me from behind and drags me from the dance floor ..

" Where's the fukin duck ??? " ...

Oh dear , i'm being confronted by a very , very angry Keith Harris ...

" I know it was you , your dressing rooms right next door and you left a note "

He slams the note into my hand ... I'm on acid remember so I have a hard time deciphering the note .. But it sort of reads like this ..


This is getting very surreal by this point what with the LSD and shit ...

" Now , where's the duck ? "

" I don't know mister please don't kill me .... " , I say ..

" Just give me back the fukin duck " ... " he never swore like that on the TV " , I remember thinking ..

I can see R ... His pissing himself laughing and pointing to the roof ...

Ehhh ??

I look up to see Orville hanging by a wing from the rafters ... We'll , I'm sorry but at this point enough was just about enough .. I couldn't help it ...

I just keeled over in fukin histerics ....

Mr Keith Harris by this point is not impressed and he starts screaming at me ...

" The fukin duck , give me back the fukin duck !! " ..

" Honest mister , I don't know about no duck , don't harm me I'm only young and my whole life's ahead of me "

I can't even fukin move by now but I manage between breath's to point skyward ..

Mr Happy Harris looks up to see Orville swinging from the rafters .. R has the remote control ( which makes the ducks wings flap , thus inducing a swinging motion in the sky ) ...

" You can fly Orville , you really can !! " ..

Then , well then the string breaks and The duck really is flying !!!

Mr Harris turns the same colour as the duck , pushes aside the crowd ( like he's parting the Red Sea ) and makes a catch worthy of a word class cricketer to save the day ... hoorah !!

We all rejoice !!

I think I wet my pants at that point ...

He then storms off to the dressing room ... Duck in tow, grabs his things and storms out of the venue ..

Sooo , So Orville never did surface on the rave scene again , and for that I am truly sorry Mr Harris ..

Please find it in your heart to forgive me ...

But fuck me I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life ( well actually ) ...

Ha !! , Death by Green Duck ..


What the fuck !!

Quack !!


Blogger mcdolph said...

holy shit, i want a copy of that remix!

5:20 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Never ever seen a copy , I don't think it was ever released ( probably due to us ) , although he did try it again in 2002 ... No idea what it sounds like , and to be honest don't really care ;)

5:33 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Actually just d/l'd it on Limewire ..

Yes , It's absolute extreme shite !!

5:39 pm  
Blogger mcdolph said...

lovely, i'll have a wee look mysel, always need good pish as a last song when i want to ruin the night for an ignorant-fckhead crowd

5:48 pm  
Blogger stressqueen said...

That is a truly classic story. Excellent. 10 out of 10!

5:54 pm  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

bad ass post, as always

5:54 pm  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

Did you know that duck is insured for 100,000(UK)?

11:34 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Ha !! , thats an expensive fukin duck ..

12:16 am  

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