Quack Ravers

Soo, It's been a while since I've posted a story ... and me and my mate A where talking about this the other day so as it's fresh in my mind it only seems appropriate to blog it ...


Ok , so it's 1992 at the height of the British rave scene and I'm doing a gig in Scotland .. The venue was a disused airport terminal not far from Edinburgh ( near Stirling I think ) .. Capacity about 3500 people completely off their faces on Extacy , speed , coke etc...

So I've just finished my gig when this guy approaches ... I sorta recognise this guy but I can't put my finger on where from ..

The conversation goes a little like this :

Him : " Hey , can I ask you a favour ? "

Me : " depends what mate ? "

Him : " can I borrow your keyboard rig for ten minutes ? "

Me : " What the fuck do you mean , can I borrow your keyboard rig ? "

Him : " I'm mim-ing a P.A. and I need to borrow a keyboard , R ( the promoter ) told me to see you about it " .

Me : " Err yeah I suppose so ... but you pay if anything gets fucked right ! "

Him : " Yeah no problem "

Me : " Ok then ! "

I still can't put my finger on where this guy's from but i've seen him somewhere before .. Also he looks kinda out of place here ?

Anyway , I go back to the dressing room and chill out , take some more drugs , snog some groupies blagh blagh blagh !!

At this point I'm kinda pissed , kinda high , kinda just been paid a stupid amount of money for a 30 min set ... All good ..

R ( the promoter ) bursts into the room ...

R : " You gotta fukin see this mate "

Me : " What ? "

R : " come with me "

I follow ... Into the main arena ...

What the fuck !!!!

Before my eyes I see 3000 people stood transfixed onto my keyboard rig ( a trippy enough site seeing a room full of people high on drugs standing completely still ) ... But , and it's a big but ..

There's a spotlight on my rig and this bizzare rave cover version of a 80's childrens chart hit blasting out of a 50k sound system ... And get this ... THERES A FUKIN GREEN ( yes fukin green ) FURRY REMOTE CONTROL DUCK PLAYING MY FUKIN KEYBOARD RIG ....

I'm stun'd the crowd look like rabbits caught in headlights , the promoters are stun'd the sound engineers , Saint Johns ambulance people and even the fukin obligatory peace keeping coppers are fukin stun'd ??

There's a green fukin furry fukin duck playing my keyboards at a fukin 3000 people rave ...

If ever I didn't need to be coming up slightly on acid .... It was now ...

Even though there's music blaring out of a huge sound system there's complete fukin silence in this venue ..

Ha !! . what the fuck ???

Ok let me explain this ... The Green furry fukin duck is a remnant of late eighties Saturday night British TV .. His name is Orville ( he hangs around with cuddles ) and he had a chart hit called " I wish I could fly " ... This has been remixed into a Rave dance tune ( god only knows why ?? ) and this is the tunes debut using my fukin keyboard rig ??

The keyboards have been recruited by Keith Harris ( his handler ) ... Thus the familiarality ..

I say again ... Ha !... what the fuck ???

Anyway .. The gig finishes ( somebody claps at the back !! ) , the duck disappears ..

Phew , that was close ..

So me and R return to the dressing room ..

R : " Tell me that didn't just happen ? "

Me : " I don't fukin know ? "

R : " Scary ! "

Me : " Scary ! "

R : " Scary !! "

Me : " Real scary !!! "

We go about our business ... Snogging groupies , doing drugs etc . etc .

In the dressing room there's an adjoining door and out of curiousity R opens it ..

There on the dressing table sits Orville in all his green furry remote control glory ..

R looks at me .. I look at R .... R looks at me again ...

" KIDNAP THE DUCK !!!! "

Orville is bundled into a carrier bag .. His mouth duck taped ( sic ) for added effect , and smuggled out of the venue .. we'll that's what I was made to believe .. to protect those involved on a need to know basis ( you know how these covert operation affairs go ) ..

Anyway .. I sort of forget about this as the LSD takes its effect and go into the crowd for a dance ..

I'm dancing away when a hand grabs me from behind and drags me from the dance floor ..

" Where's the fukin duck ??? " ...

Oh dear , i'm being confronted by a very , very angry Keith Harris ...

" I know it was you , your dressing rooms right next door and you left a note "

He slams the note into my hand ... I'm on acid remember so I have a hard time deciphering the note .. But it sort of reads like this ..

I HAVE YOUR DUCK AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM ALIVE AGAIN YOU MUST RUN AROUND THE VENUE NAKED BY 3.00 am ...

This is getting very surreal by this point what with the LSD and shit ...

" Now , where's the duck ? "

" I don't know mister please don't kill me .... " , I say ..

" Just give me back the fukin duck " ... " he never swore like that on the TV " , I remember thinking ..

I can see R ... His pissing himself laughing and pointing to the roof ...

Ehhh ??

I look up to see Orville hanging by a wing from the rafters ... We'll , I'm sorry but at this point enough was just about enough .. I couldn't help it ...

I just keeled over in fukin histerics ....

Mr Keith Harris by this point is not impressed and he starts screaming at me ...

" The fukin duck , give me back the fukin duck !! " ..

" Honest mister , I don't know about no duck , don't harm me I'm only young and my whole life's ahead of me "

I can't even fukin move by now but I manage between breath's to point skyward ..

Mr Happy Harris looks up to see Orville swinging from the rafters .. R has the remote control ( which makes the ducks wings flap , thus inducing a swinging motion in the sky ) ...

" You can fly Orville , you really can !! " ..

Then , well then the string breaks and The duck really is flying !!!

Mr Harris turns the same colour as the duck , pushes aside the crowd ( like he's parting the Red Sea ) and makes a catch worthy of a word class cricketer to save the day ... hoorah !!

We all rejoice !!

I think I wet my pants at that point ...

He then storms off to the dressing room ... Duck in tow, grabs his things and storms out of the venue ..

Sooo , So Orville never did surface on the rave scene again , and for that I am truly sorry Mr Harris ..

Please find it in your heart to forgive me ...

But fuck me I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life ( well actually ) ...

Ha !! , Death by Green Duck ..

Ha...

What the fuck !!

Quack !!