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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Testing time

Make you own church sign thing goin on, hours of fun!

Sooo, I gave in on the Sasha thing, the venue manager wasn't going for it and I was sick of banging my head off the wall. Talk about missed opportunity. Jeez louise, this guy needs a serious kick in the who's who in the world of clubbing pants?

Doughnut.

Bad venue skillz.

London's cooling down so I may boot the studio back up later on. Today I've been sorting bank stuff out for the label and then I went shopping for my Niece's birthday prezzy.

Funny really, I'm stood in the queue in Waterstones (book shop) and the till guy's taking ages to get anything done, you know the type; slow, student, goth, nurrrrhead.

Anyway, as I'm standing I see this book titled "British citizenship test study guide" Sooo I pick it up and start to read it for a laugh, "Yeah, I'm British, walk in the park that shit!"

WRONG!!!

Fuck me, If I took that test today I would be booted out of the country faster than you can say: "Two cream teas and a butterd scone plea......." Thwack!!

"OUT! And don't fukin come back!"

Sample questions

1.In the 16th and 17th centuries, who came to Britain from France to escape political persecution?

Errrr...Some French people with like, errr baguettes and shit?

2.What is the name and the date of the National Day of Wales?

Errrr... National like, Leek day fest thing with errr dragons and stuff, oh! And valleys, yeah that's it Valleyday. No, no, got it, it's that bloke, yeah it's Tom Jones day?

3. What is the population of Scotland?

Oh yeah, know this one... 3 no! 5...and a half?, can I have a clue please?

Hmmm!

4.When did Britain join the European Economic Community?

Oh gawd... I donno, what the fuck, fukin Christmas, Santa Claus, no Rudolf...Tinsel.

Oh bollocks, just kick me out, I give in!!

Glad I live here already eh!

Ok, my version:

1. If you spill somebody's pint, what'll 'appen?

2. What's a spuggy?

3. Name five commonly used British swear words?

4. Eastern European people come to the U.K. for what reason? expound in 200 words or less!

5. Maggie Thatcher Out, Out, Out! Define?

6. How much is a gramme of Charlie ( Northern England...Speed or 2 pills?)

7. Explain the following words: Shag, Slag, Geezer, Twat! and Rozzer

And

8. What is a plank?

There, and that's that!

So Steven Hawking is writing a childrens book , should be kinda fun eh?

Sooo, they all lived happily ever after in a non-spacelike geodesic that is only finitely extendible into the past!!

Hmmm!!

The Karate kid does his thing!

And last but not least... Just cancel the fukin account mate??? Your complete guide to 'Won't take no for an answer' school of business.

Laters

18 Comments:

Blogger Ivar said...

true fucking story! i'm an american--lived here all my life--and i couldn't pass the u.s. citizenship test if my balls depended on it! btw, what in hell is a spuggy? things i should know...

7:17 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

A spuggy is a Sparrow!

7:26 pm  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

Did you blog this post whilst high ! read at a very fast pace from where i am sitting !

2:04 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

No, I never write when I'm high!

3:23 am  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

OK i was wrong ne mind, fancy some filthy sex ! Mmmmm bet your even better than i imagine you to be. P.S read this then delete it dont want everyone knowing about my wank material !!

4:21 am  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

Holy Moly !! blushing

4:54 am  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

Am i wrecked or is it a figure of my imagination, that when i click blog pro on your side bar it takes you right into my blog settings ? that cant be right ??

5:00 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

HA!!

Yeah, go on then...

5:04 am  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

you didnt answer my question ! your site links right into my fucking settings

5:10 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

That's coz your signed in to Dashboard gwarl. It links to mine if I'm signed in or my mates if he's signed in. I'm not hacking you babe, don't worry your little ass.

In other words, it's just a link to Blogger, the Pro thing is a retro throwback to the days before Google bought Blogger.

11:11 am  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

interesting small talk guys... shall i just leave you to it?

1:46 am  
Anonymous tilda said...

Yeah Ive seen that test... Its fucking ridiculous!!

4:44 am  
Blogger princess_fifi79 said...

hi...any interest to link up with an asian gal?

1:31 am  
Anonymous Tilda said...

Err Princess... what was that?

I just checked you blog and its pretty cool.. and wasnt porn as I first thought...

But you really shouldnt advertise yourself like that. :)

xox

8:21 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

No, really..you should!!

3:11 pm  
Blogger tooners said...

i'd like the answers to your test... good one tho.

i'm an american and couldn't pass our test either.

1:47 pm  
Blogger Rich said...

I am British as I have lived in Britain all my live (apart from going on holiday - does that count?) and was born in Britain. I answered all of those questions with ease!

They definately weren't the correct answers but I answered them. You see thats what being British is all about... trying, in the face of all adversity you try.

We try and get arrested abroad, we try and queue with Germans and we try not to be miffed about the fact that we haven't beaten Sweden since 1960.

God save the Queen (and the whale!)

10:23 pm  
Blogger princess_fifi79 said...

TO TILDA: well...so sorry to disappoint you that my blog wasn't any porn blog..well..link up means linking our blogs, telling tat i am asian is to make sure tat there is no racist problem..pls do not jump to conclusion

8:27 pm  

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