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Sunday, June 18, 2006

Money and tits and more money and more tits!!

Sooo, Jeez I've been busy!

This pic is the only decent pic of Sat nights party (taken with my camera phone):



Did the club on Friday night which was kinda rammed again and then Sat I got asked to do a band at a garden party as a favour for a mate of mine who runs an events company.

Garden party, err ok, whatever, it was paying alright so I just did it?

Ok, so I get picked up at High Barnet Station which is in the middle of gawd knows fukin where and driven to this party. We're driving along and the houses are getting bigger and bigger and suddenly we're in fuck-off mansion land, in the middle of fukin super-rich ville and I'm thinking "What the fuck?"

Sooo, the car I'm in eventually swings into the grounds of this huge fukin house, we're talkin 2, maybe 3 million...Nice, very fukin nice!!

The first thing I clock are the portable generators x2. ( One of these things could power a festival main stage and there's two??) and I'm thinking "what the fuck is this place?"

Ok!

The driver takes me through this house and down onto a huge patio which overlooks this vast back garden (forest!!) which has been completely covered with a 90 odd foot open air white marquee. Damn!!

When my mate said garden party??

I walk down to the stage and it's like the size of the stage at our club, and it's behind a fuck-off proper sound rig, we're talking 15 maybe 20K, full sound desk, the works. " Fuuuck!!"
I look around the marquee and it's just full of the best that money can buy in lighting, sound and outside event shit?

There's like probably 50 tables with full table decorations ( White lilly's on purple silk tablecloths) on a purple carpet leading down to a 40 foot dance floor infront of the stage with the fuck-off sound rig!!

Proper!

The attention to detail was amazing, pure class, and the whole set-up just looked fukin incredible!

It stank to high heaven of money?

I've arrived well early so I just power up the rig, put a bit of Jon Kennedy on my ipod through the system, set up the stage and then sit on a sun lounger and watch the catering crew set up (really fit looking barmaid types)

I'm speaking to one of the event planners and he's telling me that the dance floor is on top of a swimming pool that's been scaffolded out just for this event and it would have been glass and lit from the pool underneath, but the council wouldn't give them permission.

Jeez louise!!

Oh and by the way, this is a 40th birthday party for the house owner?

If I'd have known all this, I'd have bumped up my fee considerably. I thought this was just like Joe fukin Bloggs and a couple of his mates having a beer with the local pub band on his patio??

What the fuck!

I pull out my camera, press the on button and then discover that the batteries still in the fukin charger, at home!!!

Fukin idiot!!

The event guy's gonna send me some pics though, which I'll post as soon as I get, coz you gotta see this fukin place to believe it!!

Ok, other points to mention about this party: The Sushi conveyor belt complete with Sushi chef, the fully staffed Bar made entirely of blocks of ice, the chocolate vodka fountains and the 20 foot barbeque grills (plural).

Jeezus, money, money, money!!

The band arrives, no ordinary party band this one, two ex motown session and four other world class session musicians?? We sound-checked in literally twenty minutes, they're that good, superb is not a strong enough word for this band!!

All good, makes my job so much easier.

Then they all sat around for couple of hours in the sun till the guest arrived. "Michael jackson did this," and "George Benson said this," and remember the time when "Whitney Houston fell down the stairs?"

Ha Haa!!

Fascinating!

Sooo, the guests start arriving and the place starts to look like an episode of footballers wifes.

I've never seen so many breast enlargements in one room.

It was like a tit-off!!

I guess a who's who of outer Londons finest bankroll bitches!

Ugly men, extremely fit women?

They say money can't buy happiness! Maybe not, but it sure can buy you a great pair of tits to look at first thing in the morning!!

I spend the night getting hit on by fit women while their husbands gave me looks that could "Rip your fukin head off if you even think about going there son!!"

Shit the bed!!

Sooo much money!

I mean, great surroundings, but the people were pretty fukin horrible.

And the speeches...Fuck me I've never heard so much crap spouted in one place in my entire life?

"I've always loved you Jack, Happy Birfffday, even though you can be a nightmare sometimes, like that time you threw me down the stairs blagh blagh blagh!!!"

No love, the guys actually a complete wanker (you could tell from his eyes and the way he's hitting on the bar staff at every opportunity), he's just fukin loaded!!

Loads of coke flying about as well, the spewed bullshit of the speeches and the moronic dancing gave it away, but I kinda remained drug free.

Professional courtesy and all that.

The food though...Oooof, fukin superb nosh, but of course not much was getting eaten cos of all the charlie??

Total fukin waste!

And to think of all the hungry homeless down in the city??

Shame!

So, it get's to 12 o'clock and I've had enough of waiting 30mins in the coke queue just to take a fukin piss, the band have done their thing and I'm kinda drug free and bored, so I get the doorman to get me a cab and I just go back to central London for a pit stop at the club before heading home.

The club's dead, so I have a few drinks (actually a lot of drinks) and coz I've already spent like £40 on a cab, I decide to take the nightbus the rest of the way home.

I fall asleep on the bus?

And wake up at 5 o'clock this morning.

At Heathrow fukin airport??!!??

Fuck it!

I have to wait till 6:30 for the tubes to open and I finally get home an hour later, still pissed and in a foul fukin mood!!

I woke up at 3 with the hangover from hell!

And here I am.

I totally need some food but the cupboards are bare so I'm gonna go find somewhere and stuff my face.

What a fukin weekend though.

Food

Laters

7 Comments:

Blogger mdhatter said...

I fell asleep on the subway in Boston once. That was stupid.

Chances are you'll land another gig out of it.

9:08 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yep, that's the general idea mate!

10:31 pm  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

LMAO the coke que !!!

9:57 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I honestly think you should have kiddaped one of those "desperate housewives"

peace & sandwiches

6:14 pm  
Blogger Angry_Bonobo said...

I once woke up at Heathrow after getting leathered watching Engerland on the tele in a pub.
I was so confused I thought I was supposed to be catching a plane...

3:34 pm  
Blogger tooners said...

really interesting read you have here.... i find it fascinating.

1:42 pm  
Blogger Memento said...

LOL.

some weekend you had there! i couldn't stop laughing from reading 'waking up at 5Am at heathrow'.

hilarious!

2:16 pm  

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