London cokehead fact file no .1 ( How to tell if somebody you know is doing coke )

Tell tale signs to watch out for in case your ever in the company ( Gawd forbid it ) , of a cokehead ..

1. You see them doing coke .
   
2. You see them buying coke .
3. They are constantly running from policeman/aliens/blue cows/god like apparitions .
4. They can't speak properly .
5. They drool from the corners of their mouths .
6. They develop strange relationships with bathrooms .
7. They develop the ability to walk on ceilings.
8. You are always finding little envelopes in their house/flat/cardboard box/yaught/icecream van.
9. They talk gibberish all the time .
10. They develop the ability to hover 2 feet from the ground .
11. They float in the bath/tub .
12. They can read your mind .
13. They know things about stuff you don't .
    
14. They start to appear at parties with really fit birds .
15. They can start a car without the keys .
16. Their always robbing bank's and/or shops when your not looking .
17. They play strange music all the time ( with backwards mind altering lyrics )
18. They turn orange .
19. Their nose's falls off .
20. And then their brains fall out of the hole .
21. They have a new set of evil friends that you don't know about , yet !!
22. They never sleep , ever !!
23. They act weird all the time .
24. They scream a lot .
25. They screw a lot .
26. They decimalise time .
27. Their always late .
28. And when they do turn up they will be on their hand and knees , ( just like a doggie ) .
    
29. They lose limbs on a regular basis .
30. They have lot's of vodka and Jack Daniels in the fridge .
31. and never any food , apart from the ocassional tubs of hummus, a jar of pickles and a packet of gummy bears .
    
32. They steal all the straws in Mcdonalds .
33. They don't want to go to the DIY store anymore .
34. They start growing strange plant's in the outhouse .
35. They grow a moustache .
36. Their always borrowing money ( till pay day ) .
    
37. They start printing money in the garden shed .
38. They hang around with Russians a lot .
39. They buy a large dog and call it Nosebag .
40. They talk on the phone of settling paperwork and about meetings in strange pubs .
41. They buy a cat and call it eightball .
42. They spontaneously combust at dinner parties .
43. They buy a hampster and call it flakey or Charlie .
44. They suffer a lot from a thing they call The Columbian flu ?
45. They watch a lot of late night TV .
46. They don Wellington boot's and build a spaceship in the garage .
47. They become obsessed with mirrors and shiny objects .
    
48. They can fly .
49. They beat people up a lot .
50. Other people beat them up a lot .
51. They can lift cars .
52. and jumbo jets .
53. They take year long trips to the America's .
    
54. They put strange things in the microwave .
    
55. and then talk to it .
56. They turn purple
    
57. like a blueberry .
58. They have no job .
59. And are rarely creative .
60. They go on month long benders .
    
61. They become benders ( spoon benders ) .
62. They wear dark glasses at night .
63. They walk around naked a lot
    
64. and have a large collection of porn magazines
    
65. and DVD's
66. They louse the abilitie to speel properley .
67. They grow strange objects from their heads
    
68. and watch tree's grow
    
69. and paint dry .
70. They develop a cunning ability to disappear for long periods of time .
71. They practice Origami
    
72. They think a gym is the bloke across the street .
73. They start applying for media jobs .
74. They cry a lot
    
75. about nothing .
76. They talk to whales
77. and Welsh people .
78. They often transcend into another place
    
79. called Brighton
    
80. They want to become a DJ all of a sudden
81. They can't hold down relationships anymore
82. or food
    
83. They grow tusks and/or fangs
84. and drink blood
    
85. They get fat
    
86. And loose their six pack to a four pack of Stella Artois
    
87. They join a band .
    
88. They are band from the band they were already in .
89. Their goldfish die in mysterious circumstances .
90. They only come out at night
    
91. when it's dark
    
92. like a moth .
    
93. They sell their car's and never replace them .
94. They develop an obsession with trampolining .
95. They throw away their collections of stamps/doll's/action men/matchboxes/etc.
    
96. They try to set light to things .
    
97. They are always in a hurry .
98. The shrivel up like prunes and spit puss at things .
99. They become evil .
100. They are evil ( make no bones about it !!! )
     

So you see folks , that's the way it is .. It's not really their fault .. Shame on all you drug pushers and dealers out there ..

I do hope this clears up any mystery surrounding the evil of the whiteness ..

If you do see any of the above signs in your friends and/or loved ones ..

The best advice is to : TAKE THEM TO THE VETS AND HAVE THEM PUT DOWN ..

It's the kindest and safest thing that you can do really ...