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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

London cokehead fact file no .1 ( How to tell if somebody you know is doing coke )

Tell tale signs to watch out for in case your ever in the company ( Gawd forbid it ) , of a cokehead ..

  1. You see them doing coke .
  2. You see them buying coke .
  3. They are constantly running from policeman/aliens/blue cows/god like apparitions .
  4. They can't speak properly .
  5. They drool from the corners of their mouths .
  6. They develop strange relationships with bathrooms .
  7. They develop the ability to walk on ceilings.
  8. You are always finding little envelopes in their house/flat/cardboard box/yaught/icecream van.
  9. They talk gibberish all the time .
  10. They develop the ability to hover 2 feet from the ground .
  11. They float in the bath/tub .
  12. They can read your mind .
  13. They know things about stuff you don't .
  14. They start to appear at parties with really fit birds .
  15. They can start a car without the keys .
  16. Their always robbing bank's and/or shops when your not looking .
  17. They play strange music all the time ( with backwards mind altering lyrics )
  18. They turn orange .
  19. Their nose's falls off .
  20. And then their brains fall out of the hole .
  21. They have a new set of evil friends that you don't know about , yet !!
  22. They never sleep , ever !!
  23. They act weird all the time .
  24. They scream a lot .
  25. They screw a lot .
  26. They decimalise time .
  27. Their always late .
  28. And when they do turn up they will be on their hand and knees , ( just like a doggie ) .
  29. They lose limbs on a regular basis .
  30. They have lot's of vodka and Jack Daniels in the fridge .
  31. and never any food , apart from the ocassional tubs of hummus, a jar of pickles and a packet of gummy bears .
  32. They steal all the straws in Mcdonalds .
  33. They don't want to go to the DIY store anymore .
  34. They start growing strange plant's in the outhouse .
  35. They grow a moustache .
  36. Their always borrowing money ( till pay day ) .
  37. They start printing money in the garden shed .
  38. They hang around with Russians a lot .
  39. They buy a large dog and call it Nosebag .
  40. They talk on the phone of settling paperwork and about meetings in strange pubs .
  41. They buy a cat and call it eightball .
  42. They spontaneously combust at dinner parties .
  43. They buy a hampster and call it flakey or Charlie .
  44. They suffer a lot from a thing they call The Columbian flu ?
  45. They watch a lot of late night TV .
  46. They don Wellington boot's and build a spaceship in the garage .
  47. They become obsessed with mirrors and shiny objects .
  48. They can fly .
  49. They beat people up a lot .
  50. Other people beat them up a lot .
  51. They can lift cars .
  52. and jumbo jets .
  53. They take year long trips to the America's .
  54. They put strange things in the microwave .
  55. and then talk to it .
  56. They turn purple
  57. like a blueberry .
  58. They have no job .
  59. And are rarely creative .
  60. They go on month long benders .
  61. They become benders ( spoon benders ) .
  62. They wear dark glasses at night .
  63. They walk around naked a lot
  64. and have a large collection of porn magazines
  65. and DVD's
  66. They louse the abilitie to speel properley .
  67. They grow strange objects from their heads
  68. and watch tree's grow
  69. and paint dry .
  70. They develop a cunning ability to disappear for long periods of time .
  71. They practice Origami
  72. They think a gym is the bloke across the street .
  73. They start applying for media jobs .
  74. They cry a lot
  75. about nothing .
  76. They talk to whales
  77. and Welsh people .
  78. They often transcend into another place
  79. called Brighton
  80. They want to become a DJ all of a sudden
  81. They can't hold down relationships anymore
  82. or food
  83. They grow tusks and/or fangs
  84. and drink blood
  85. They get fat
  86. And loose their six pack to a four pack of Stella Artois
  87. They join a band .
  88. They are band from the band they were already in .
  89. Their goldfish die in mysterious circumstances .
  90. They only come out at night
  91. when it's dark
  92. like a moth .
  93. They sell their car's and never replace them .
  94. They develop an obsession with trampolining .
  95. They throw away their collections of stamps/doll's/action men/matchboxes/etc.
  96. They try to set light to things .
  97. They are always in a hurry .
  98. The shrivel up like prunes and spit puss at things .
  99. They become evil .
  100. They are evil ( make no bones about it !!! )

So you see folks , that's the way it is .. It's not really their fault .. Shame on all you drug pushers and dealers out there ..

I do hope this clears up any mystery surrounding the evil of the whiteness ..

If you do see any of the above signs in your friends and/or loved ones ..

The best advice is to : TAKE THEM TO THE VETS AND HAVE THEM PUT DOWN ..

It's the kindest and safest thing that you can do really ...

15 Comments:

Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

That white shit in the corner of their mouths is fucking horrible... it goes all strandy and bitty and yucky.

And though not all of them, they start to think the whole world really cares about how great they (think they) are.

AND they want to fight nightclub bouncers TEN times their size.

xxx

1:29 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

All true my friend ... all true

2:28 am  
Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

so why then?

3:47 am  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

totally fucking awesome

6:48 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

To Sheriff , why indeed !

8:42 am  
Blogger LeeLoreya said...

um ....just how many out of 100 are you supposed to have to qualify as a cokehead, because I got 27 true statements here out of the list and I never lost consciousness and I never touched the thing so....

10:31 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

It's only a bit of tongue in cheek fun mate ..

It's sorta a sarcastic piss take , I think I've only got about 9 or 10 on the list myself ..

Tee hee ...

12:00 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Actually i'm in denial , I have the lot !!

O , there goes that spaceship again ...

Whizzz ,Zoooommmm !!!

1:32 pm  
Blogger Paige said...

I want a garden spaceship!! Be a dear, and fly one over here for me?


Annnnd I also want to go to your nightclub. So when we fly BACK, we can go, right?

5:03 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yeah no worries Paige... Just off to Mars to fill up the Quicumbarium Muturonic Logic Reator ...

5:26 pm  
Blogger mr. tomas ubik said...

numbers: 8, 14, 36 are incredibly accurate...the others i dont remember if they are true because of all the dancing.


those little envelopes are also good to write secret letters to your fit birds after youre done snogging and are too out of it to say how much you love being there.

6:21 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Ooooh secret letters ..

To fit birds .

6:35 pm  
Blogger Kristine said...

And all this time I just thought Splenda was caffeinated.

7:54 pm  
Anonymous tricia said...

Some of that sounds more like rabies! There havet to be more "good sides" to the Puffin' Powder.

11:07 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Ha ha , don't believe everything you read !!

11:20 pm  

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