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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Not in my fukin club ( Thank you very much !! )

Sooo ... Hoorah , I finally have a day off ..

That was one hell of a busy week , no time to breath ..

Still , can't really complain ..

Friday night at the club was fun , we've had a new promoter for the last six weeks ( real tosser ) , and I had the pleasure of telling him to fuck right off at the end of the night .. Wadda prick !!!

Here's what happened : Ok.. On Friday , early doors somebody had booked the club from 5 pm for a private party till 8 pm .

They had put £3000 behind the bar and they were a really good crowd ..

Mr New Promoter guy arrives with his schedule ( this guy has no fukin idea of how a club is run ) ..

His Schedule reads : 7:45 private party ends , 7:46 - 7:49 Club cleaned and turned around , 8:00 club re-opens ..

Ha Haaa !!! , mate you are having a fukin Bubble bath ( laugh ) ..

As far as I'm concerned these people could have stayed in the venue anyway , a full venue attracts more punters ( simple really )

But , Oh fukin no !! , the promoter wants to suck every penny he can from the door .... Fukin Idiot !!

It takes at the least , 1 hour to turn a club of round , you have to :

1. Get rid of 1500 people ( they'll ' stand around for at least 20 mins (( if your lucky )) ), before they leave ..
2 . Once they've left , you have to clean the club of all bottles , glasses , rubbish , sick , broken glass , pissed people asleep in the corner ..etc ..
3. You have to clean the floors and wait for them to dry ..
4. Give the bar staff a chance to chill out for ten minutes
5 . Let the sercurity re-group ..
6. Restock the bar ...

One hour , and that's only if you are really nice to the staff ...

Soo , at ten past eight this fukin promoter starts shouting at me ?? , " Why ain't the doors open , this is fukin ridiculous , I've booked the club from 8 pm it's now 8:10 , open the doors NOW !! "

At this point I'm ready to hit this fukin twat , he has no fukin idea , fukin amateur ...

Anyway , somehow this prick manages to get the security to open up , and about 100 people pile into a club that is in the middle of being cleaned .... For fuck sake , the place looks absolutely terrible .. Your talking bin bags stacked to the ceilings , a soaking wet fukin floor ( In a club with pissed people , that spells danger and lawsuits as Pissed Tracey fall's down the stairs and brakes her fukin neck !!! ) , and a completely unstocked bar ...

I lose the plot with this prick ..

" Are you out of you fukin mind you tosser " .....

His reply : " Well the people who were at the party had started to leave "

My reply : " Mate , that was a separate event you tosser , there not going to be chucked out of the club and then pay to get back in you fukin idiot "

A classic case of greed over common sense ...

In the middle of this , an outside drinks promotions company ( the promoter has booked ) , arrives and starts to turn the club into a TROPICAL FUKIN PARADISE !!!! , complete with BAMBOO FUKIN HUT !!! and INFLATABLE FUKIN PALM FUKIN TREES !!! ..

Oh my god !!!

The DJ arrives ( never seen this kid before ) ...

" What sort of stuff do you play mate ? "

DJ : " RnB and cheeze "

Me : " Fukin what and fukin what ?? "

DJ ( laughs ) : " RnB and cheeze "

Me ( not fukin laughing at all at this point ) , " Errr OK !! "

We have a regular crowd of about 1500 people who DO NOT LIKE FUKIN RnB AND FUKIN CHEESE !! , the promoter actually only brings in say an extra 200-300 people , and takes the whole door ( money ) for the privilege ..

So not only has this prick turned the club into a tropical paradise ( in the middle of fukin London ) , he's going to let rip with a bit of Britney and fukin Abba for fuck's sake " ...

Oh my god !!!

I hide in the office .... All night !!!

I come out at one point to find a Limbo dancing competition and a club full of Hip, 20-30 year old very classy punters looking like they've just walked into hell !!!

People are leaving !!

I hide again , in the office ...

For fuck sake ..

Anyway , the night ends and I'm having a drink at the bar !!

The promoter walks up to me , he's minging drunk ( unprofessional to say the least ) ..

Promoter : " That was a wicked night "

Me : " No mate , that was not a wicked night in fact it was like a fukin holiday camp !! "

Promoter : " It's what's happening nowadays , it's what the public want .."

Me : "Reaaally , not in my club mate , your fukin sacked "

The guy turns green .. I've just cut off his nice little £5500/night income ...

Promoter : " You can't do that , you don't have the authority mate "

Note to Promoters everywhere : Always remember that the venue tells you what to do , and not the other way around ..Thank you !! ..

Me : " O fukin really dear , and who the fuck are you ??? "

Promoter : " You're bang out of order , I'll get my people round "

Now folk's that was a threat , now I'm getting really pissed at this guy ..

Me : " Don't ever , fukin ever threaten me you cunt , unless you really , really know what your doing and you fukin don't mate so fuck off !!!! "
promoter : " You're all bunch of cunts you lot , I'm gonna have the fukin lot of you , you'll see !!! "

The head of security has overheard this , he grabs the guy and chucks him out/thru the door and onto the street ..

The promoter starts a scream up , he's left his rucksak ( with his money ) , in the office ..

" Give me my fukin money , give me my fukin money , you've got my fukin rucksak with all my money in it " ..

A bunch of crack heads on the street corner start to take an immediate interest ...

What a fukin doughnut ...

So I grab his fukin rucksack and throw it at him....

Me : ( shouting ) , " THERE MATE ... HAVE YOUR FUKIN FIVE GRAND , GO SPEND IT ALL ON FUKIN LOLLIPOPS AND SWEETS AND DON'T EVER COME FUKIN BACK !!! " ...

Promoter ( pointing at rucksak ) : " Yeah well , it's my fukin money and not fukin yours " ...

Not for much longer mate !!

You can see the crack heads start to fukin drool at this point , he hasn't even noticed them ..

Promoter " Stick your fukin nightclub up your fukin arse you fukin wankers !!! "

Charming !!

He walks off ..

Three , now very , very interested crack heads start to follow him down the street ..

I'd give him 50:50 of getting out of that one unhurt , He's lost the money that's a fact .. Crack heads show no fukin mercy and that bag contains a shit load of money ...

Tough !!

His problem , not mine ....

I have a drink , shut the club and go home ...

Don't know what happened to him , don't really care ... Idiot ..

I'm sure I'll find out on Monday !

Sooo , from next week were all back to normal , thank gawd ...

I didn't like that guy from the minute I saw him ..

Never mind ..

Tosser ...

13 Comments:

Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

i was up in soho and around leicester square on friday.... no sign on your tropical party.... where was it?

Some secret location?

Not sure if I would have liked RnB and Cheeze.

Doom

xx

1:18 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

You would have hated it mate !!

More towards Holborn really ...

1:21 pm  
Blogger LeeLoreya said...

so get this kind of mayhem six or seven nights a week? you are conscious it's suicidal? for your nerves i mean.(don't answer that i think i know you know it is and you actually take it as fun).

3:18 pm  
Blogger LeeLoreya said...

oops missed a word.

"so YOU get blablablabla"

3:18 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Oh it's all just clean healthy fun ..

Promoters , just cos there making lots of money and have the protection of the clubs sercurity they think there all bloody gangsters ??? ...

3:40 pm  
Anonymous tricia said...

If you do find out what happened to "the tosser", I'd love to know.

It sounds like one of those scary movies where people do the dumbest things, and you sit there hoping that something terrible happens to them 'cause they sooooooo deserve it.

Crackheads/Zombies... it all does the trick!

4:15 pm  
Blogger Cocaine Jesus said...

fuckin' hell what a pile of shite.(not your site, the promoter). D.I.Y maybe?

12:33 pm  
Blogger ty bluesmith said...

dude/mate, your shit is fucking funny, YO.

prolly my fave blog right now.

4:11 pm  
Blogger mr. tomas ubik said...

i promote independently, and never would have kicked out 300 folk before hand, especially if i knew I was only bringing 300 or so, which he no doubt would have, unless he's ignent to his own status which this guy sounded possibly guilty of.

you should just hire crack heads as security and they could be like dogs...youd have to invest in crackey treats but whatever, might be less than feeding the needs of 300 pound securitypes

6:52 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Crackheads as sercurity ...

Cay imagine the carnidge ... I mean I take coke

but thats a different planet..

T blue felling the luv man !!!

1:09 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

He hee , guess I was pissed when I left that last comment eh !!

Fukin doughnut !!

2:34 pm  
Blogger china said...

He sounded like a real idiot,wouldn't want to deal with him on no more notes what so ever. (promoter) Promoter or not F..k dude

8:29 pm  
Blogger china said...

I like yor blog,very interesting waiting for more. lol

8:30 pm  

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