Not in my fukin club ( Thank you very much !! )

Sooo ... Hoorah , I finally have a day off ..

That was one hell of a busy week , no time to breath ..

Still , can't really complain ..

Friday night at the club was fun , we've had a new promoter for the last six weeks ( real tosser ) , and I had the pleasure of telling him to fuck right off at the end of the night .. Wadda prick !!!

Here's what happened : Ok.. On Friday , early doors somebody had booked the club from 5 pm for a private party till 8 pm .

They had put £3000 behind the bar and they were a really good crowd ..

Mr New Promoter guy arrives with his schedule ( this guy has no fukin idea of how a club is run ) ..

His Schedule reads : 7:45 private party ends , 7:46 - 7:49 Club cleaned and turned around , 8:00 club re-opens ..

Ha Haaa !!! , mate you are having a fukin Bubble bath ( laugh ) ..

As far as I'm concerned these people could have stayed in the venue anyway , a full venue attracts more punters ( simple really )

But , Oh fukin no !! , the promoter wants to suck every penny he can from the door .... Fukin Idiot !!

It takes at the least , 1 hour to turn a club of round , you have to :

1. Get rid of 1500 people ( they'll ' stand around for at least 20 mins (( if your lucky )) ), before they leave ..
2 . Once they've left , you have to clean the club of all bottles , glasses , rubbish , sick , broken glass , pissed people asleep in the corner ..etc ..
3. You have to clean the floors and wait for them to dry ..
4. Give the bar staff a chance to chill out for ten minutes
5 . Let the sercurity re-group ..
6. Restock the bar ...

One hour , and that's only if you are really nice to the staff ...

Soo , at ten past eight this fukin promoter starts shouting at me ?? , " Why ain't the doors open , this is fukin ridiculous , I've booked the club from 8 pm it's now 8:10 , open the doors NOW !! "

At this point I'm ready to hit this fukin twat , he has no fukin idea , fukin amateur ...

Anyway , somehow this prick manages to get the security to open up , and about 100 people pile into a club that is in the middle of being cleaned .... For fuck sake , the place looks absolutely terrible .. Your talking bin bags stacked to the ceilings , a soaking wet fukin floor ( In a club with pissed people , that spells danger and lawsuits as Pissed Tracey fall's down the stairs and brakes her fukin neck !!! ) , and a completely unstocked bar ...

I lose the plot with this prick ..

" Are you out of you fukin mind you tosser " .....

His reply : " Well the people who were at the party had started to leave "

My reply : " Mate , that was a separate event you tosser , there not going to be chucked out of the club and then pay to get back in you fukin idiot "

A classic case of greed over common sense ...

In the middle of this , an outside drinks promotions company ( the promoter has booked ) , arrives and starts to turn the club into a TROPICAL FUKIN PARADISE !!!! , complete with BAMBOO FUKIN HUT !!! and INFLATABLE FUKIN PALM FUKIN TREES !!! ..

Oh my god !!!

The DJ arrives ( never seen this kid before ) ...

" What sort of stuff do you play mate ? "

DJ : " RnB and cheeze "

Me : " Fukin what and fukin what ?? "

DJ ( laughs ) : " RnB and cheeze "

Me ( not fukin laughing at all at this point ) , " Errr OK !! "

We have a regular crowd of about 1500 people who DO NOT LIKE FUKIN RnB AND FUKIN CHEESE !! , the promoter actually only brings in say an extra 200-300 people , and takes the whole door ( money ) for the privilege ..

So not only has this prick turned the club into a tropical paradise ( in the middle of fukin London ) , he's going to let rip with a bit of Britney and fukin Abba for fuck's sake " ...

Oh my god !!!

I hide in the office .... All night !!!

I come out at one point to find a Limbo dancing competition and a club full of Hip, 20-30 year old very classy punters looking like they've just walked into hell !!!

People are leaving !!

I hide again , in the office ...

For fuck sake ..

Anyway , the night ends and I'm having a drink at the bar !!

The promoter walks up to me , he's minging drunk ( unprofessional to say the least ) ..

Promoter : " That was a wicked night "

Me : " No mate , that was not a wicked night in fact it was like a fukin holiday camp !! "

Promoter : " It's what's happening nowadays , it's what the public want .."

Me : "Reaaally , not in my club mate , your fukin sacked "

The guy turns green .. I've just cut off his nice little £5500/night income ...

Promoter : " You can't do that , you don't have the authority mate "

Note to Promoters everywhere : Always remember that the venue tells you what to do , and not the other way around ..Thank you !! ..

Me : " O fukin really dear , and who the fuck are you ??? "

Promoter : " You're bang out of order , I'll get my people round "

Now folk's that was a threat , now I'm getting really pissed at this guy ..

Me : " Don't ever , fukin ever threaten me you cunt , unless you really , really know what your doing and you fukin don't mate so fuck off !!!! "
promoter : " You're all bunch of cunts you lot , I'm gonna have the fukin lot of you , you'll see !!! "

The head of security has overheard this , he grabs the guy and chucks him out/thru the door and onto the street ..

The promoter starts a scream up , he's left his rucksak ( with his money ) , in the office ..

" Give me my fukin money , give me my fukin money , you've got my fukin rucksak with all my money in it " ..

A bunch of crack heads on the street corner start to take an immediate interest ...

What a fukin doughnut ...

So I grab his fukin rucksack and throw it at him....

Me : ( shouting ) , " THERE MATE ... HAVE YOUR FUKIN FIVE GRAND , GO SPEND IT ALL ON FUKIN LOLLIPOPS AND SWEETS AND DON'T EVER COME FUKIN BACK !!! " ...

Promoter ( pointing at rucksak ) : " Yeah well , it's my fukin money and not fukin yours " ...

Not for much longer mate !!

You can see the crack heads start to fukin drool at this point , he hasn't even noticed them ..

Promoter " Stick your fukin nightclub up your fukin arse you fukin wankers !!! "

Charming !!

He walks off ..

Three , now very , very interested crack heads start to follow him down the street ..

I'd give him 50:50 of getting out of that one unhurt , He's lost the money that's a fact .. Crack heads show no fukin mercy and that bag contains a shit load of money ...

Tough !!

His problem , not mine ....

I have a drink , shut the club and go home ...

Don't know what happened to him , don't really care ... Idiot ..

I'm sure I'll find out on Monday !

Sooo , from next week were all back to normal , thank gawd ...

I didn't like that guy from the minute I saw him ..

Never mind ..

Tosser ...