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Thursday, November 23, 2006

DJ Freebar and the night it all went horribly tits up!!

Sooo, last night, funny.

I'd been called in to the venue to run this club night as the promoter/DJ had insisted on a sound enginneer being there. Turns out he needed somebody to show him how to use the DJ mixer?? If you can't work the mixer out mate, you really shouldn't be even attempting a DJ career. Poor fukin show if you ask me??

Ok, soo within ten minutes of being there, I'm kinda done, but this guy wants me to stay in case anything goes wrong, fair enough, if you want to pay me to do fuck all, who am I to complain! Late license though 3am, and it's only 9.30 and I'm bored already, but, again, I'm getting paid soooo.....

I kick back and watch the night unfold.

This promoter (French guy) has had the bright idea of charging £15 on the door and then having a free bar. He's advertised it this way as well "Free bar all night"


Donno about you lot, but I can sink £15 worth of booze in like, an hour, eezy peezy!

His estimation of the night is 250 people at £15 per head with £900 behind the bar = £3750 - £900 - £150 for sound engineer = £2700 profit for me... Woohoo!


My estimation: You'll be tits up in the red by 12:30 mate. Fact!

Soooo 10:45pm 150 people at the bar all who've paid £15 per head, all ordering triple whateverthefucks and all basically clamoring for drinks like a bunch of cats on speed in a catnip factory.

We send down more bar staff, he sends them back up (Theory: less staff, less drinks get served), we send em back down, he sends em back up again (theory: we're generally having a laugh with you mate). This continues for about an hour. The chain reaction/comedy sketch is becoming fukin hillarious in the extreme to watch from the sidelines.

The bar manager knows what's going on and he's rubbing his hands at the profit margins and loving every fukin minute.

The promoter and his sidekick have turned into Mr and Mrs Panicbot and Shittypants and then some.

Fucking classic.

He comes upstairs to find out what can be done?

"Err nothing mate, your gonna have to put more money behind the bar"

"But can you at least give me a discount?"

"A discount, what's one of those, this is a business son, not a bloody charity !!" (little titter)

1:00 pm and we have 200 people in the venue, 6 bar staff serving (to keep up with demand ), 1 (turning slowly sick green) promoter, his (slowly turning less sick green) sidekick and me and the bar manager pissing ourselves laughing.

The promoter tries to shut the night early, the punters go mad, the night restarts with a free beer only clause built in.

Pissed punters can still sink a lot of free beer though, you don't just need spirits to pass out!

If this guy was playing roulette, he'd have been asked to leave the game an hour ago due to lack of credit and piss poor performance at the table.

My estimation: 1 person x £25 worth of booze x 200 people -£150 for the sound engineer = Shit the bed, it's all going horribly pair shaped at the booze sanitorium!!!

2 pm and the promoter has stopped the free bar, cut his losses and fucked off home with his tail betwwen his legs.

Nevermind mate, you can always borrow £20 from the bar manager for a new pair of pants!

The rest of the crowd are having the time of their lives, and couldn't give a fuck about the bar not being free anymore coz "I'm sooo pissed I can't even see the damn thing!!"

Magic: the guestimate promotion game.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time?"

Well I'm sure the invasion of Poland in the second world war seemed like a good idea at the time as well mate.



Right, I'm out the door



Blogger Smartypants said...

I need to work the phrase "tits up" into at least one conversation this week.

3:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was the best fucking story I have read in a month.

4:21 am  
Anonymous José Borges said...

Jesus. Almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost.
Did he think people drink less when the booze is free?
Funny story.

4:41 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heh. drunk people v dumb french man. you made me laugh

2:48 am  
Anonymous tinsticky said...

English and free beer, bound to be "tits up"

12:14 am  
Blogger Dawn Of The Dad said...

Your club sounds ace, where is it?
I'm looking for a venue at the moment. You lot sound good to work with!

11:10 am  
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Blogger london cokehead said...

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12:54 pm  

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