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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Jobsworth Sat night twat.

Note: This story is in no way racist. Merely a cross-cultural observation of the events that unfolded.

Before you start!


Sooo: We finished up in the venue Sat night at around 3:30am. A bunch of us ( around 30 bar staff and doorman ) had all chipped in the £180 it takes to buy a corporate Sky 'pay as you go' license ( it's a business premises remember ) to watch the big fight on the venues huge video screen.

I tuned the sound system so that we could all get the full effect i.e. loads of bass and mid for that 'you could actually be ring side in Vegas' vibe.

All good.

We stocked up and bought 4 crates of beer and a few of bottles spirits, mixers and assorted bar snacks from the bar manager ( he was going home and therefore locking up the bar area ) We brought seating onto the dance floor in front of the screens and all kicked back for the big event.

All very good.

I'd been looking forward to this for all day for two reasons really: A. the actual fight and B. the fact that cos it was private viewing i.e. nobody working and nobody selling anything therefore I could relax and ( for once ) have a fukin cigarette in my bloody venue.

I'm sure this is what it felt like in the 1930's prohibition Chicago Speakeasy era.

Crazy but... It's what I ( and quite a few of the other staff) had been dreaming of doing all night.

Anyway: We all relaxed, opened our beers, lit our cigarettes and sorta kicked back to watch the biggest boxing match in almost ten years.

Again...all good.

Till...

Out the corner of my eye I caught one of the buildings Nigerian ( not that it matters, I'm just setting the scene so you know ) night security staff hovering in the wings expecting to bunk off and watch the fight for free??

"He can watch." I thought. We all need a break from the tediums of work now and again.

Ding ding.. Round one.

I light up a cigarette.

Bliss

But oh fukin no!

What's the first thing this fucking arse-wipe does?

He comes over to me and tells me to put my cigarette out??

I'm like: " Errr No! "and he then pipes up: " Listen...don't make my job any harder than it already is, just put out the cigarette! "

What the fuck?

Harder than your job already is mate? You're bunking off [your job] gate crashing our party and it's only coz you have keys and I'm playing the: 'Yeah he can watch, why not...it's Christmas an all that' card that this guy actually has any kind of fukin access to our little jolly-up anyway ???

He continues to protest?

You can imagine my reaction to this? It's 4:30 in the morning at a private screening in my fucking venue and some jobsworth tosser is telling me what I can and can't do?

Of course I protest in return.

Big time!

So you know what this cunt does next in his little Hitler power trip of trips?

He calls his superior?

On his likkle radio

"I'll tell me dad if you don't stop. Then I'll cry. Boo fukin hoo!!"

His superior ( another Nigerian power monger ) turns up uninvited?

What did we ever do to you lot to make you hate us and feel the need to tell us what to do sooo fukin much?

And especially from a country that perpetrates the largest amount of illegal scams on the face of the planet.

I mean come on?

Err...you don't have to answer that. British colonialism and all that.

I digress

Anyway

This then leads to an almost epic battle of ( others have joined in by this point ) Smoking ban Law verses Jobsworth twats verses "The venue ain't even open you cunts" verses " Well you ain't supposed to be here after hours?" verses " Well neither are you mate and what the fuck are you on about anyway, we can be here whenever it pleases us, it's our fucking venue?" verses " We can call the Police? verses " Do it and you're out of a job ( both of you! ) verses " We will" verses "So you're telling us that at 2 in the morning when there's no traffic on the road you've never broken the speed limit in your car cos that's illegal too you know??" verses " No I've never done that" verses " fuck off you haven't?"

Blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.

And...we all missed the actual fight we'd all actually chipped in to actually watch.

Although I must add that our battle was probably a little more interesting.

It was only when our ( off duty ) door security ( two of whom were in on the argument I might add ) stepped in that this didn't end up in a punch up of it's own?? Coz I tell you what? I was game as hell.

What a bunch of fukin jobsworth?

Really...

These twats completely screwed up our evening.

Anyway...the outcome of this was that we all left the venue pissed off and emails have been flying between us and them ever since about the complete downright jobsworth actions of the guys crazy lunacy for our [pathetic nanny state] laws?

" Oh...is it illegal then??? Well fuck me, we'll all be doing drugs next if not kept in check eh?"

What the fuck!

What a bunch of titmunchers!

I guess the point of all this is that these guys shouldn't have been in the venue anyway... let alone telling us what to do?

Their superior superiors have actually offered us a complete apology.

But really...bit fukin late now ain't it?

I'll get my coat.

Laters

8 Comments:

Blogger Turtle said...

fuck man, there's a time an place for everything, even for acting like a complete douche and enforcing the smoking ban. But after hours at the club is not the place. Some people just have no sense of judgement at all.

2:48 pm  
Blogger doktored said...

get a different security company. London has tons of them.

4:43 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

The security company that runs the night patrols unfortunately belongs to the building which houses the venue and not the venue itself.

Or I would have had them sacked on the spot believe me.

5:13 pm  
Blogger China Blue said...

So you let him in to watch the match, which would have meant him skiving off work. And he repays you by starting some ish over the smoking ban?

Ungrateful fucker. No discretion or common sense! With any luck he'll have had his arse handed to him my his superior by now.

8:59 pm  
Blogger la coquette said...

Meh. What is this world coming to? He is sneaking around, you let him in to watch, doing the Christmas-y thing and he acts like a douche. Is it just me or do some people just not get it?

10:20 pm  
Blogger Nobody Girl said...

Sounds like a power happy prick! I don't get why people act like that, give anyone a little power and it goes to their heads.

12:25 pm  
Blogger Jo said...

You know what...I'm all for the smoking ban but as far as I'm concerned what people do in their own venue when its not open to the public is their problem...this guy was just being an arse.

I'm with doktored...switch companies. That'll teach 'em.

11:19 am  
Anonymous the law said...

Again, someone trying to do their job coming up against you and your warped belief system.

It's your own venue yet you still got in this pickle.

Loser. Oh and I'm learning more and more about you post by post.

You seem to end a lot of statements with a question mark, unecessarily.

Plus you seem to say 'I digress' a lot. What's the matter? Can't you stick to the point?

6:19 pm  

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