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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Great Britishness.

Sooo, Happy Birthday to the union flag ( 400yrs) or the butchers appron as some people like to call it (Errhem!!).

And (No!!) Before anyone has a go, it's only called the union jack when it's flown from a ship, so there, I know these things!!

Okey dokey, I'm fairly sick and tired of people moaning about the how bad shit has become in our great country. Sooo I'm gonna put you all straight with this post...Ok!

Sooo, for all the moaning fukin minnies out there (and there's a lot of you, me included!!)

London Cokeheads top reasons why it's the fukin best thing in the world to be British...

Hear we go..

  1. It's a beautiful place. No really it is, we have hills and valleys and lakes and coasts and mountains and green shit (loads and loads of green shit!! ) We have national parks and city parks and park parks with more green shit and woodlands and cute little harbours and castles (surrounded by green shit) and pretty towns and villages and medieval churches and easily the best Gothic Cathedrals in the world (Durham, Canterbury, Salisbury, Winchester, Lincoln, Wells etc. etc. etc. ) And some rather fine stone circly things and monuments and even more green shit, and, and do I really need to go on??
  2. The Royal family...I like the Queen, she reminds me of my mother!! Don't moan about the Royal family, ever; coz at least we fukin have one!!
  3. History. We have more history than you can shake a big shitty stick at. In fact: It goes all the way back to like, even before history began and shit (again, I know these things!)
  4. We (unlike some other places in the world) can (within moral reason) do what the fuck we like, when we like!! Without kerfews (but with rotten spelling), without marshal law, without dress codes or people shooting at us, or kidnapping us, or stoning us or locking us up for saying what we wanna say and all that other great shit we can do!!
  5. The olde corner shoppe.
  6. The NHS. Ok soo we all have a go at the NHS, but you really can't moan can you coz (apart from presciption costs but even that's fukin subsidised, so we can for this exercise ignore that cost) it's totally fukin free. Right, say you break your leg, it's fixed for free!! Your appendix explode, fixed for free! You drink too much and have to have your stomach pumped, fixed for free! You need a bit of (Umm!!) My old man even had a brand new heart put in, all for free... The NHS is shit, fuck off is it, it's fukin great!!
  7. Big amounts of green stuff!!
  8. We're respected by the rest off the world, and then some. The only other passport that can command the same amount of respect as ours is the Swiss one. I would have include the American one in this group, but your president's kinda fucked that up for you, sorry!!
  9. We are the financial hub of the world (I said hub and not 'most solvent' , so don't start). If we go down, the lot goes down, end of!!
  10. We get looked after. If by any chance you ever lose your job or your way in life, you will never ever starve, although I see more and more immigrants taking the complete piss out of this system, but it's always had my back, so what do I care!!
  11. We invented everything. Even the stuff we didn't invent, we invented!!!
  12. Green stuff..
  13. Monty Python.
  14. Aintree, Wembley (If they ever fukin finish it), Wimbledon, Ascot, Silverstone, Twickenham etc. etc. etc. Not that I've ever been to any of them, but they're bound to be brilliant anyway coz they're British alright!!
  15. Language. Everybody uses English, and if you don't, well your just fukin backward!!
  16. Pink floyd, The Who, The Stones, The Jam, The Police, The Clash, Radiohead, The Smiths, The Beatles etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. All produced by this teeny tiny bit of land.
  17. I could go on and on and on about poets and musicians and writers and all manner of other brilliant shit this little Island has and has produced, but I think I've said enough, don't you?
Gawd help anybody who tries to take that away from us.

I'll be there, bashing away at you with my teapot, rolling pin and my Tim Henman signature fukin tennis racket till the very end: I kid you not!!

Sooo, the next time you wanna have a go at being British (me included and I will no doubt at sometime on these very pages), shut the fuck up, coz we've never had it sooo good as we do on our little Island of joy.. If you don't like being here and you can't respect our culture (you know who you are) then... Go fuck yourselves!!

So there, and that's that!!

I rest my case.

And wave my little union flag..



Blogger Cind said...

Nice one sunshine - you tell us. Well actually I like being here, lived in Florida when I was a kid and many people have asked me if I'd ever go back to live there - no, I like it here it's lovely and it has a smell all of it's own.

9:13 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

London just smells of fukin car fumes??

9:32 pm  
Blogger mcdolph said...

the pubs are fucked up now with the smokin ban they all just smell of old mens farts, fucksakes, which is sort of british, but not right without a lungful of Mayfair or Lammy Bammies or the like. our fuckin smoking curfew mate!

12:46 am  
Blogger Smartypants said...

I'll be visiting this summer actually.

1:02 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yep, we have that smoking ban shit to contend with next year..

Now that's gonna piss me off..

I was in Ladbroke Grove's first no smoking bar the other week. Great soundsystem, beautiful decor, 500 capacity, Sat night...

Fukin dead as a dodo, like 8 people in there and one of those was the DJ!!

Me mam used to smoke Lammy Bammies..


Yey smartypantygirl in the big smoke..

1:16 am  
Blogger pop renaissance said...

this is truly yer best post EVER.

and in all honesty, we're VERY seriously thinking of flying you out here for a week, plying you full of drugs, and having you sort out our next album. the question is: are you in?

5:09 am  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

Also, I think you need to mention that in our capital city we have food and people and music and culture from all over the world!

Anything you're into is yours in London.

Being British is great - we are respected internationally and protected by our passport.

And I for one am a pro-royalist. I love the royal family.

Love it.

And In london we have of course... the London Cokehead.

I rest my case

1:25 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...


2:48 pm  
Blogger bethanie_odd said...

What about tea and crumpets?
And unorganized teeth (coming from Canada where everyone has perfectly wired teeth by age 12 it is refreshing).
And the word lovely.

One more month. One more month. One more month!

4:09 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yep, all good as well.

Funny, I used to go ou twith an American girl and one of the first things her mother said to me..

"Well have to get those teeth straightened?"

Even though my teeth are perfectly straight ???

It's called a character flaw and it's what makes us all unique.

5:58 pm  
Blogger Dabbler said...

Don't forget about the SBS! These psychos make our American marines look like traffic wardens.

6:42 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Yep, SBS and the SAS..

7:10 pm  
Blogger Patterswine said...

Guess what? you're almost as hated as us Americans now...and there's no way on earth you can claim the "green stuff"....any number of londoners have confirmed that for me....have you been to NYC? you'll save a lot on your C habit, that's for sure! Not only that, you also can't get a good mixed drink in old London to save your life! Not trying to start a war...(hate the one we're both in already) but I'm sure you'd like the high life here a little more. At least your nose and wallet would!And lungs too, for that matter!

8:07 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Thank you Patterswine, I actually know this, Ain't it nice to be hated by the world. O'dear the people in higher places kinda walk the path for us all eh!!

NY, sounds like a plan stan!!

4:51 pm  
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

For the record, I was in a band for a very short time. The name of that band?

"Wish We Were British"

4:03 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

"Wish We Were British"

Interesting name Atlas..

1:38 pm  

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