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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The complete A to Z part two: London

Not really ready to write about what went on in the last few days...

can't get me head around just how nice it was..


Instead I'll leave you all with this:

The complete A to Z part two: Stuff wot pisses me off about London

A is for Aussies [the]: Sodding millions of em. Everywhere? You don't like us, we don't like you (although there are exceptions, sorry HG) so go the fuck home to crimland, where we sent you all in the first place!

B is for Blair: as in Tony fukin Blair. Nuff said really!

C is for cab: Never fall asleep in the back of a minicab, as you're guaranteed to wake at some destination on the other side of the world and nowhere sodding near your home! " I said Portobello road, not fukin Putney you fukin idiot" Learn to speak English you muppets. It's kinda a prerequisite to living here you know!! Damn it!

C is also for: Chelsea tracktors or SUV's as the rest of the world likes to call them. No, really what's the fukin point? " It keeps the kids safe!" From what, tons of fukin smog?? I suppose you can always go off-road in the outback that is Kensington fukin High Street? They're wrong, and stupid, so stop it! And don't get me started on the new Hummer Craze? I know! Just buy a fukin Sherman Tank or a pertrol tanker why don't you! Doughnuts!!

C is also for Chuggers (charity muggers): Getting down Convent Garden, or Holborn ,or Oxford street or in fact any major pedestrian thoroughfare in London without one of these (usually Aussie/Kiwi/Spanish/French/Crusty [delete as applicable] ) twats getting in your way so they can sign you up for Greenpeace/Cancer Research/Rainbows for rabbits/Friends of the pigmy llamma lesser spotted Astronaut Hamster etc. is like trying to take a shit on the sun in mid-summer without any solar fukin bog roll? "Can you stop for a chat?" Nooooo! "can you fuck off and die please?" Yeesssss!

D is for Dogs [in handbags]: Ok, please just stop it, it looks stupid, you look stupid, it's not hip or trendy or cool. Just like, leave it out!

E is for Estate agents: You wanna know why the house prices are so bloody high in London, that's you answer right there. These little twats just make the prices up on the fukin spot. I'm sure of it, and in turn, everything else (apart from the wages) goes through the roof. Estate agents should be employed and regulated by the government, it would sort half of Londoners problems out in one fell swoop! Then we could all be moderately happy.

F is for ?

G is for Graffiti: Well not Graffiti as such, but tagging. It's everywhere and it looks shit. You (the culprits) must know this right...RIGHT?

H is for Harlesden: Oh dear, oh dear indeedy!

I is for illegal immigrants: Yeah, I know London is supposed to be cozmopolitan but....

J is for Jellied eels: Uhhhrggghh!

K is for Kilburn [High street]: What the fuck is that about eh!

L is for Local Councils: Thieving, greedy, waste of time agency's of gloom. Clean the fukin streets properly, instead of spending all the money on wheelclamps. You twats!!

M is for Mockney accents: Just fuck off geezzzeer...Allwight mate!!

M is also for Maida vale: Used to be lovely, but now it's full of fukin Aussies, Estate agents and IT workers?

N is for the Northern line: Just rip it up and start again or something?

O is for Oxford Street: Dirty, Smelly, horrible, expensive! If this is Englands premier shopping experience; then gawd help the rest of the country coz it's shite!! Sort it out.

P is for Pigeons: Fukin millions of the little sodding grey vermin (cream in Richmond, no shit). Just shoot the buggers! And stop bloody feeding em?

Q is for Queues: I swear I spent half my life fukin queuing for stuff. Not happy about it, at all!

R is for Rubbish: It's everywhere, the West end is the worst by far. Come on councils, clean the shit up, it's not like we are all not paying you through the nose in taxes?

R is also for Ringtones: Please, a phone is supposed to ring, and not make me shit myself on the bus with a 130db version of The fukin Birdy song or 30 secs of Remember your'e a sodding Womble (I'm not, and never was?) It's just not funny,!! Don't get me started on MP3 phones with built in Speakers. Oh yeah! I really wanna listen to your pony tin-o-sonics version of the Sugarbreasts new album on the fukin tube after a big night out? Why not, it just fine by me. Tell you what, why don't we all get one and have a tin-o-sonic dawn chorus of the new Thrustin Timbertwat single "Tearing out My Heart (and stuffing it sideways up my arse)" in Hyde fukin park!

S is for Supermarket: Nothing fukin 'Super' about London's Supermarkets. Dear Mr Sainsbury, can I please buy some vegetables in single units (what I can do with six fukin leaks or half a dozen bloody peppers is beyond me) and, I would like them to not be rotten half an hour after getting the friggin things home? Also can you not stock the shelves in office hours, I wanna buy food, not go on a assault course SAS mission just to get to the fukin cous cous??? And don't get me started on the cost of a weekly fukin food shop? You charge us for food with less salt, and food with less fat?? And if anything is found out to be remotely healthy, you take that to mean putting the price through the fukin roof eg: Blueberries £2 for like, 40? If that's the case then there must be some farmers in Poland absolutely rolling in it. No! Thought not. It's not even funny, it's just plain extortion. Bunch of sodding thieves!

T is for Traffic Wardens: Although I no longer run a car in London ( waste of time, public transports like, a million times faster) These little money grabing, no reasoning with, paramilitary, ambushing, Nigerian cocksuckers still piss me right the fuck off! You can see em hiding in the bushes ready to spring at the nearest unsuspecting motorist just because he/she stopped to post a letter/say hello to friends/broke down/stopped to buy a newspaper and a doughnut/picked up a mate/fell down a broken sewer/ etc. etc. etc. ( Like the time I ran up stairs to get my hire car agreement and returned to a clamped car in what was all of maybe 5 minutes?) Stop it! Your all fukin vermin and need to die!! Fuck off home with the pidgeons and leave us allone to get on with our daily lives.

U is for Underground (as in tube): 70% of the time the tubes are OK, smelly, but generally they do the job. But... Just when you have that all important meeting/lunch/blowjob to get to, you get the dreaded" We're sorry for the delay, a mouse fell off the platform at kings cross and needs urgent medical attention" or " We're sorry for the delay, but a power failure in New Zealand has temporarly interrupted our services" Then, as if by magic, the whole system grinds to a fukin halt, usually in mid-summer and usually when your stood next to a commuter with epic body odour problems. Then you wait and wait, and get pissed off and wait more and get pissed off some more? Eventually though you get the hiss-clank sound, then the train moves, and you know you're gonna arrive at your destination a complete fukin nervous shambolic wreck.... And don't get me started on the lack of fukin air-con, or the price of a bloody journey. Or the lack of fukin bins?

V is for virmin: pigeons, rats, cockroaches, traffic wardens, local councilors, chuggers etc. etc. etc. All die!

is for Wembley Stadium: Just finish the bloody thing. It's an embarrassment to the whole sodding Nation. What's that you said? Oh! It's an Aussie firm with the building contract? Kinda makes sense then doesn't it!

X is for Xian: (Capital of ancient Chinese empire 221-206 BC) bloody think of one then? Smartypants!

Y is for Youths: London Youths are a bunch of rude, mannerless, disrespekful (sic) bunch of little twats. Just cos your small doesn't mean I won't twat you if you mess!

Z is for Zebra crossing etiquete: If I stand on one to cross, you fukin stop! It's the law, or don't you fukin know that? Pants head!

And that's about the size of that, I'm sure there's loads more ( feel free to add you own in the comments section ) but, I'm done...Ta!


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Blogger roxyfoxy said...

That was an awsome post well done, i love it when you have a good moan !

10:31 pm  

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