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Friday, August 18, 2006

The complete A to Z Part 3

The "Music" Business:

Big fukin drum roll!!!!

Soooo, here we go again. This one's a toughy cos there's sooo much shit about the music business that gets my back up. goes nothin'!!

Warning: Post may require more than one sitting (+ a large bottle of JD and coke, and a box of soluble aspirin) !

A is for A & R people: Ho Ho!! I could write a book on this fukin subject alone, but lets condense it a bit shall we for the sake of my own sodding sanity. Ok, for anyone who doesn't know, A & R stands for Artist and Repertoire , or Attitude and rejection,or Arsholes and Rejects or big twatting cunty cocksucking son of a bitch,!! Depending on how you look at it.

The A & R person is the person that stands between you and the golden lambchop that is the fame and fortune game. Call them a sort of record company talent scout (funny that!), they're supposed to sign acts (bands/musicians/singers/good fukin blowjobs) and turn them into marketable products for all to enjoy. Madonna has one, Britney has one, Massive attack has one, the Cheeky girls had one. The A & R man goes to gigs or listens to demo tapes or knows a wide circle of friends who tell him/her what's hot or not ( haaa haa, you think!!) . They're the eyes and ears of the music biz. And...are therefore in control of the complete shite that you get to hear on the Radio or TV or buy from the HMV 10p bucket of fukin sin!

Or are they?

From my experience an A & R person is usually a nice, clueless, middleclass, up his/her own arse, "I'm trendier and more knowledgeable then I think I am" wombat, cunt, twatty, failed musician, narcissistic little prick, arsehole, career ending, money grabbing, fukin, bandwagon jumping, wouldn't know a good record if it exploded in his/her arse, "Oh! look at me, I work for a record company ooooooh!!", lazy, interfering, can you please stop dressing like a 12 year old? Pain in the arse fucking doughnut, pony, poor excuse for a human being, curious, impertinent, intrusive, meddlesome, meddling, nebby, obtrusive, officious, prying, pushy, snoopy, debauched, decadent, degraded, demeaned, depraved, deteriorated, dissolute, effete, failing, fallen, flagitious, immoral, infamous, low, mean, miscreant, nefarious, overripe, perverted, retrograde, retrogressive, rotten, sinking, villainous, wicked, worsening, stirring little cunt!!

And then some!!

In other words: a very nice dude-like god, and worthy of every minute of your inferior attention.

Example of true A & R person stupidity: He came into the studio not liking a perfectly good mix of a tune we were doing, so we sat him down in front of the mixing desk and gave him a mix channel (that, by the way, did fuck all) to play with. After an hour of him playing ( with the channel that did fuck all on the mixing desk) he proclaimed " That's it! That's the mix! Right there, it's a hit!!"

And then credited himself on the record as an assistant engineer?

Ha ha haaaa ha ha haaaaaa ha ah ah ah ah aaaahhhh aaahh h haa h ah ahhh ahaha!!!!

Falls off chair laughing!

Oh! I'm sorry...that's just too much!

Funny thing is mate, I know who you are, and who you fukin work for!!

And you still go on about, how, if it wasn't for you, that tune would never have been the hit it was??

You Fucking uber-idiot!!!

I've been dying to write that for fukin years!

Ahhh big deep breath....


B is for [industry] Bullshit: bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit !!! Too fukin much of it, sort it out!

C is for [Artist/label] legal contracts: We [the record label] hearby contract you [the artist] to sign this [bullshit but perfectly legal] contract full of technical legal loopholes, un-readable goobledegook jargon document that makes War and Peace look like Peter and Jane 1B, in favour of us [the label] , which you [the artist] could never ever possibly understand in a million fukin years so that we [the label] will have you [the artist] by the short and curlies, therefore leaving us [the label] fukin minted and you [the artist] up shit creek without a musical paddle while we [the label] fukin have it on a vast expense account down the pub with the local coke dealer as funded by you [the daft cunt artist]... Thanks!

And that's for starters!

This is part of a contract I received the other day as regards to a Digital distribution rights company in the States. This is section 11 (A, B and C) of 51 sections. All the other sections have the companies name plastered over them and I can't be arsed to edit them all out. So you get this bit for legal reasons.

Note: this is the tame shit!

Read it and weep:


(a) Mutual Indemnification. Each party (an “Indemnifying Party”) will indemnify, defend, and hold harmless the other party, its parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, and their respective directors, officers, employees, and agents (an “Indemnified Party”), with respect to any claim, demand, cause of action, or debt or liability brought by or claimed by any third party, including reasonable outside attorneys’ fees (collectively “Claims”), to the extent that any such Claim is based upon or arises out of a breach of any of the Indemnifying Party’s representations, warranties, covenants, or obligations hereunder. The foregoing indemnity will be applicable only to such Claims as have been reduced to final non-appealable judgment or settled with the consent of the Indemnifying Party (such consent not to be unreasonably withheld or delayed).

(b) Indemnification Notice. In claiming any indemnification hereunder, the Indemnified Party will promptly provide the Indemnifying Party with written Legal Notice of any Claim which the then Indemnified Party believes falls within the scope of this Section 11; provided, that the failure to promptly notify the Indemnifying Party will not affect the Indemnified Party’s right to indemnification if such delay did not materially prejudice the defense of such Claim. The Indemnified Party may, at its own expense, assist and participate in the defense if it so chooses, provided that the Indemnifying Party will control such defense and all negotiations relative to the settlement of any such claim and further provided that any settlement intended to bind the Indemnified Party may not be entered into without the Indemnified Party’s prior written consent, which will not be unreasonably withheld or delayed.




I told them to come back to me with a 4 page (you get to digitally distribute our products in the States and the States only, and then you get 20% of that income and if you don't, we walk!) contract. Did they get back to me? Did they fuck. Why? Because their contract had "We will fuck you up the arse at the first opportunity we get" written all fukin over it. And you know what? I didn't get an expensive coke habit coz I'm stupid. I got one because I can see through that kind of bullshit!

I could've taken it to my Lawers to check it all out, but that would have resulted in flushing the 80% down the toilet in Lawyer Ping-Pong fees ( See L: Music Lawyers)

Life's too damn short!

If you work for me and get results, you stay. If not, I don't hang around. End of!

Watch you back in Musictown people, watch it real fukin close!

Unless you like epic Ping Pong battles ( see L: Music lawyers)

D is for divas [who can't sing] : Sooo every now and again ( not so much nowadays coz I get a demo tape from singers first, no effects please, just an accapella) you get a big diva singer who turns up in the studio to do a track. They look the part, act the part, smell the part and have a huge (seemingly) track record of stuff they've done in the past. "Great" you say. Let's have it! Ok, you tell them the score, turn on the cans (headphones), play the track and say " Let it rip!"

Then they open their mouths?

"Oh, I'm sorry, before we start, would you mind just kicking that parrot with a cat stuck up it's arse out of the vocal booth please? "

Oh! it's you?

Help, I've landed up guitar creek without a sodding plectrum!!!

"They'll be better when they warm up," You tell (kid) yourself.

Two hours later and the microphone has gone on strike due to bad working conditions.

Your fucked for the whole day, but you have to record it all anyway.

And don't even talk about doing the fukin harmonies??

There's just no way you can get out of it coz the Divas manager sitting in the corner of the studio is a crack smoking Yardie machine gun expert, so you just do the job hoping that they'll eventually get bored and go away. chance matey boy. No sooner have you finished the session and gone to the pub via the dealers (just to take the edge off) then the phone starts ringing and the manager is giving you the whole " Yeah I'm gonna sell the track to the States, It'll be huge" Bit!

Yeah a huge fukin flop?

You find that your perfectly good backing track has been hijacked and no longer belongs to you?

These calls can literally go on for weeks till the manager gets another "Big break," and you get forgotten about and sidelined...

Thank fuck!

Not good!

I don't know were we find these people, we just do! It's usually when were pissed down the pub or something.

"Oh! I know a singer!"


E is for Ego: This industry is full of me me me me me me me people. Children, especially bands on the verge of fame (see below). Oh! You broke a guitar string did you! Alright, no need to run off in the middle of a gig taking all the shared amps with you so nobody else can play? Tossers.

F is for Fame: Everybody want's it but few can handle it. I've had my little 15mins and it fukin sucked. That's why nowadays I take a back seat and produce instead. There's actually nothing up there, it's all thin branches, some sticky stuff and the odd crawly bitey ant thing, believe me. The view from up there is shit as well. And when you fall down (and you will), it can get really really fukin ruff. Fame, my angle, let your products get famous, not yourself. Trust me, Fame is lame!

G is for Gattling gun: Ooops! Wrong A to Z. I fukin need one sometimes in this industry though!

H is for HMV [10p bin of sin]: Where the industry puts you when you can no longer sell records. A dark bottomless pit of doom. Many an Artist has left their bloody nail marks on the walls as they tried to climb out of the HMV 10p bin of sin, From there on in the only way up is being selected for K-tel compilations. Life in the fast lane...without a fukin car! Pass the JD for fuck's sake. Wadda mean it's running out? Fuuuuckkkk!

H is also for Hotel rooms: Wanna be in a band? Then be prepared to look at an awful lot of Hotel room walls. They're fukin horrible places. The dream of them being filled with hot chicks having filthy lesbian sex as you snort cocaine off their arses happens maybe once in a blue moon, but, for the rest of your time, you're by yourself, missing your mates with a gram of coke and a bottle of JD thinking "Why the fuck don't I just pack it all in and get a nice wife and an office job?" Then there's a knock at the door? And it all goes tits up (literally) ! Woohoo! Actually on second thoughts, I kinda like hotel rooms!

I is for industry [music, commercial, general] : Hmmm!

J is for John Peel [dying]: There is no god! (actually there was, but now he's dead)

K is for K-tel [early K-tel Seventies Top of the Pops cover albums]: Just like, Why? Although I must admit they're becoming iconic nowadays!

L is for Lawyers [Music Business (actually fukin all of them)]: So the great game of Music lawyer ping-pong starts by changing one word in the contract and faxing it to your opponent, who then returns the serve with a new clause volley, woah! It returns with a "not happy about this get out sub-text bit" spin ball, and returns with a great over the top " no, it's staying in the contract mate" lob. And off it flies for one point. Oh ! Look at that? Nobody's moving to pick the ball up. Stalemate? New balls, that's it, well done. we go for another 30 rounds.

And in the meantime the ping pong marathon that you're sponsoring is costing you tens of thousand of your fukin pounds. The most expensive game in the universe this one, with no fukin opt-out clause (actually you can, but it'll cost you three rounds, a new net and a lot of fukin extra balls!)

Who are these people? And who the fuck said they can charge as much wonga as they do!

One for Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine methinks!!

M is for Money: Money Money Money, must be funny, in the music biz. When it's good, it's stupendous, but when it's not...Ouch! Suffer for your art, no fukin shit you do!

N is for Nelly Fertwango: Piss off eh!

O is for Oh fuck! [this is turning into a huge fukin post?]

P is for Peer to Peer file sharing [industry whinging about]: I think it's great, a lot of my mates think it's great and we're the one making the fukin music, so what exactly is your fukin problem with it? You're all just big rich fat fukin dinosaurs who can't embrace the technology, that's what?

Oh yeah, and suing 12 year old Molly Brown's parents cos she downloaded a bit of Kylie from Come on, that's just a bit fukin low! Ok hands up Mr Music business people...

Which of you didn't used to record on cassette tape the chart rundowns from the radio as a kid?

You at the back, What's your hand up for? Oh! You didn't have a cassette recorder coz your dad was in Belmarsh Prison for stealing TV's! Ok, that's fair enough. You can sit down!

Now the rest of you: 5000's lines on the subject of "Why I'm being such a fukin pathetic dickhead raving on about fuck all!"

Come on then!

Chop! Chop!

Q is for Q magazine [Knowing fuck all on the subject of music and pretending to be a world authority] : Just stop it ok! Your top 100 albums of all time. Pink Floyds "The wall" goes below Coldplays " A rush of blood to the nickers" Errmm, I don't think so batman, I don't think so at all. Have you even heard "The Wall" ? Probably, once, when you were stoned round Daves house that time!! No No No " The Wall" is a seminal masterpiece of music production and as a concept album project, I would go as far to say it's never been topped: ever!! Maybe by "Dark side of the Moon"( another Pink Floyd album) but that's highly debatable (but not by you lot thanks! ) and " A Rush of blood to the bra" is a very nice album with a few really good tunes on it,but, no real overall concept and a lot of Pink Floyd and Radio Head like production which compared to the real deal gets left standing at the starting blocks like it was that kid from school with the bad asthma!

You're obviously using the wrong speakers or something!

To conclude:Q magazine wouldn't know a good album if it sliced them in half frisbee style, and then glued 'em back together with some fukin common sense paste!

So there!

R is for Radio airplay [manipulation of] : Who the fuck is playlisting the morning radio shows? They seriously need to be fukin shot. I used to love morning radio. What the fuck happpened? Oh! You discovered back-handers! Oh! Now I see (said the blind man!!)

S is for Simon Cowell (and friends) : Well, what can you say about this man eh! How about the fact that you and a few other twats like you managed to turn the music business on it's head, shake the money out of it's pockets and then ceremoniously fuck it right up the arse in one fell swoop. And then some!! (and your fukin cronies) manipulated pop music into a paint by numbers, chicken in a basket (the lowest common denominator of shite tasteless food), souless, shitfest of bland, rubbish, appallingly disposable bad music??


Designed to satisfy your daily intake of musical salt, and nothing else!

We met at Nottinghill Carnival once, at my mates exclusive party. I was the geezer that laid into you about having no fucking right to be there! Scouting ideas so you could then plagerize our "Fukin scene mate??" Turns out it wasn't you, but somebody who claimed to be the spitting image of you? We still had our doubts though and had you chucked out anyway! Ha!

What you did was one of the greatest public music frauds of all time, and all to line your own greedy pockets! And the fukin public just lapped it up? Luckily the industry is starting to recover thanks to the open media of the internet and stuff like Myspace. But, for a long time I nearly gave up all hope as all the gutless major record labels would sign was your particular brand of cheap meaningless toss! I can safely say that what you helped create, will go down in history as the worst time for musical evolution post 9th century.... At least PWL (Stock Aitken and Waterman) created something new. You just plagerised a whole fukin industry with bad cover versions and talent [less] competitions?? Don't even think about calling yourself an industry leader mate, cos you never have and never will have created by the time you snuff it and go to the great Jukebox in the sky (which, by the way, there seemingly not gonna let you in) a great pop record. And that's what it's surely all about....

Hope your enjoying your money kid? You fukin earned it!

Oh! And what gives you the..... Bollocks, enough already!

T is for Top of the Pops [lack of]: It was fun, it was current, it was trendy, it was happening and you got on it coz you were good and not coz you slipped the director a humongous back-hander? So why the fuck did the BBC change the format and the time and therefore kill it stone dead? Yeah it had run it's course, but only in it's present day form? I give in! Total mystery. Like Scooby doo!

U is for useless fukin people: Music biz? Fukin far too many of 'em live here!

V is for Venessa Mae: Pop chart Oriental fiddler to the stars. Oh dear! Who the fuck thought of that one. Come on, own up! What's that? Oh it was you Simon, thought so mate! Wanker!

W is for wankers: See below.

X is for X-factor: See Simon fukin Cowell! (again!)

Y is for Yippee: I finally finished this shit, it's 5am, can I go to bed now please?

Z is for Zzzzzz: Me sleeping!

Fuck me!



Blogger Lisa Taylor said...

just alighted on this blog and from my long experience of music industry (though am out of it now), you're mostly always right.. I do like your rants. And i'm still waiting to be invited round Dave Gilmour's house (friend of a friend of mine), and I cried all through live 8 .. for happiness. Only 20 feet away from the Pink old men but they looked very current to me compared to the rest.

ps stay off the lines.

5:12 pm  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

what about music videos?

11:13 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Don't really have a problem with 'em mate!

11:34 pm  
Anonymous expat in nice said...

Stay on the lines!

Well, we have always agreed on the evils of the music biz - they exist now only to suck blood out of musicians, and just suck, the rest of the time.

Glad to see that you are keeping busy. Give your readers some small warning if you are planning to visit Southern France, or the Mediterrean, for that matter.

6:55 pm  

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