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Saturday, August 12, 2006


Sooo, there's been a roll of rather nice cream carpet lying on the landing for like four months and I've had my eye on it.

Anyway, I thought it was a stray and so asked the landlady who's it was?

"Oh that, it's D's from number two and he took off about a month ago without paying his rent!"

"Can I have it then?" I say.

"Yeah just have it, I'm sick of looking at it," She says

Ok, good stuff! New bathroom carpet for me.

Soo, off I trot and buy some carpet laying tool stuff things.

All the fukin idea!

Six hours bathroom carpet.

Looks smashing as well.

All good.


Turns out it wasn't rent-runner-boys carpet after all!

It's belonged to the dodgy Polish couple from downstairs.


He [dodgy Polish husband type] just hasn't had time to fit it yet. I really can't work this one out though as the fuker is on the dole?

But hey!

What can you do.

A scream up ensues!

Oh and by the way as I'm in their apartment fighting my corner, I notice they've installed a brand new Smeg fukin fridge freezer???

Mr Weinsteins on his way to pick it up as I write.

He knows the address and flat number, but not that they've installed it.

Sooo, explain that one you teefing Polish cunts? (That'll teach you to steal my fukin Christmas presents.)

Anyway, I can't rip the carpet up, and it was the landlady's mistake, so I get to keep the carpet.


Ok...which kinda leads me on to this:

Ten things I know about carpet laying today, but didn't know yesterday 101.

  1. It's more complex than you think.
  2. If (like me) you lay carpet in your shorts, you will take all the skin off you knees. I guess that's why carpeteers (don't, I made it up!) wear kneepads. And all these years I thought they were all going down the local skatepark after knocking off? Well you bugger!
  3. Use a fukin tape measure.
  4. And a marker!
  5. The stuff you find under toilet carpets is a force to be reckoned with! Talk about undiscovered ecosystems...ughggh!
  6. Carpet is cool.
  7. After slipping with a stanley knife, don't fukin bleed on cream carpet.
  8. Carpet laying people charge stupid money for a good reason.
  9. I have no idea what some tools are for. Even though they all look good in the shop?
  10. Really fukin important this one: When laying carpet over cables, make sure the cables don't belong to the fukin vacuum cleaner? It's a great time saver!
And that's about the size of that.

New carpet, new day.

I'm now going to demolish a king size 1.5 litre bottle of JD that I borrowed from the club last night and watch a film!

Why some people shouldn't make dance music (although it is funny!)

Finally, I'm totally with Thom's views on Blair here. I'm trying not to become political again on this blog coz I'm a little scared of what's coming in the near future! Nuff said. (worth it for the beautiful Harrowdown Hill video)



Blogger Ivar said...

good lord, it sounds like those polish bastiches need a good fuking kicking! i think "things" should start "happening" to them to make the living environment a little more unpleasant? maybe some dead fish in the corner through the window? us folk that live at night need to use it to our advantage whilst the rest of the world sleeps...unknowing...defenseless...

1:04 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Ha, that 'fish' thing would be good if only I didn't have the flat directly above them!


2:17 am  
Anonymous elliott said...

That is the most awful retched music I have ever heard. At first it just sounded like the rest of the soulless 120bpm dance music you limey bastards seem to enjoy so much, but then it took a turn for the worse.

9:25 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Err, that's kinda the message I was putting across!

11:06 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Limey bastard though? Lets put this in perspective. Limey coming from the historical British naval practice of supplying the sailors with lime juice to prevent the disease scurvy.

I don't sail, I don't have scurvy, I neither buy nor eat limes and I definitely knew my father.


11:33 am  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

I lit my first cigarette of the day ad I scoured blogs whilst the bath was running...

then I clicked on that musc link.

and then time froze.

1:34 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

I hear ya!

1:57 pm  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

"they've installed a brand new Smeg fukin fridge freezer??? "

Well I won't say I told you so!

11:18 pm  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

Fuck it! I told you so!

11:18 pm  
Anonymous elliott said...

Leemey besterd thuoogh? Lets poot thees in perspectife-a. Leemey cumeeng frum zee heesturicel Breetish nefel prectice-a ooff soopplyeeng zee seeelurs veet leeme-a jooeece-a tu prefent zee deeseese-a scoorfy.
Bork Bork Bork!

I dun't seeel, I dun't hefe-a scoorfy, I neeezeer booy nur iet leemes und I deffeenitely knoo my fezeer

12:23 am  
Blogger london cokehead said...

WML: Yes, yes you did, I was just waiting for a trolley to be dropped off so I could move the damn thing! I guess Polish people are more resourceful.

Exept when it comes to dealing with pretty angry Jewish people called Weinstein...

Ha ha!!

1:00 am  
Blogger Memento said...

seriously, was that horrible music played by vanessa mae?
good god!
i used to listen to her violin play during her early years. now it sounds like something comes out of the-stupid-home-video-countdown or something like that.

btw, are the mad polish couple the same with the ones who nicked your vacuum cleaner?

3:31 pm  
Blogger what's_my_line? said...

Oh! Did he show up?! How was the show?

3:47 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Momento: No, I think [hope] it's spoof, kinda sound like there's a lot of pitch shifting going on with the violin parts. (to make it sound shit)

4:01 pm  
Blogger Smartypants said...

You wanted carpet in your bathroom?

I always just go with a small rug so I can throw it in the washing machine occasionally.

(Boys are, uh, messy.)

4:39 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

I have a mess protector around the loo!

5:04 pm  

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