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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Clamping the clampers!!

Sooo, last nights gig was wicked, it may have been Bluegrass but it was packed with loads of fit women.. Top!!

Anyway...This morning, totally fukin hillarious..

I awoke to a load of commotion outside the house so I stumbled out of bed and went for a gander..

The following events take place between 9 AM and 11 AM.. (Jack Bauer accent anyone!)

Outside in the front garden stands the landlady, Dave the bloke from the flat downstairs , two policemen, one official from the council and a council bailiff, all having this huge fukin ruk in the driveway..

Seemingly at around 9'oclock this morning the bailiff had arived and put a clamp on my landlady's car coz she hasn't paid her council tax or something (they're total cunts in London for shit like this!! ). At the same time Dave ( who's a contractor ) has returned from a job, seen the Bailiff clamping my landlady's car, jumped out of his van and because the bailiff's car is parked on our drive, has grabbed his own wheelclamp from his van (he uses it coz his van is full of expensive electrical goods) and clamped the bailiffs car for illegally parking on our driveway.

Clamping the clamper!!

Fukin hillarious..

Soo, it turns out that the landlady owes £400 council tax and Dave has told the clamper that there's a £500 release fee ( he's well within his rights here I might add) to release the bailiffs car for being illegally parked.

I say again, fukin hillarious..

The Bailiff calls his council official and the Police. Dave sits on the front step drinking tea and taking the piss. You wouldn't mess with Dave, he's built like a brick shithouse door and is ex Special Forces.

The police arrive, the council official arrives and my landlady has woken up at this point and is in the front garden standing in just her dressing gown..

A big scream up ensues!!

I arrive to Dave shouting at the bailiff that there's "No fucking way that clamps coming off till you remove your fucking clamp mate, no fuckin way, I'll wait here all weekend if I have to!!"

There's fuck all the police can do (coz it's a domestic matter) and they know this..

Anyway to cut a long story, after much shouting and screaming and drinking of tea (by Dave and me on the front steps) the council official decides that this can be resolved if we all " Remove the wheelclamps and end this stupidity!! "

But...Dave won't budge till the landlady has a written note from the official saying that her council tax dept has been written off and that his clamping fee has been satisfied ( dept for dept )

More shouting takes place..

There's a crowd starting to appear as well.

In the end to save face (and before the local Papers arrive)... The official agrees, the clamps are removed and we all go home..

For a nice cup of tea!!

Fukin top..

Dave's the man!!

We need more people like this in London to stop these fukin legal council thief's taking the piss!!

What with council tax and parking fines and speed cameras and congestion charging and all that other shit they force on us...

So today Dave, you are the man!!

And, excellent to see a broadcaster finally getting with the plan 'Stan' , nice one Disney your execs have brains and balls.

Right, I'm off for a pint..



Blogger Smartypants said...

Your neighborhood is a lot more interesting than mine.

8:39 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

You can say that again.

12:12 pm  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...



I hope he got 2 weeks rent free.

12:46 am  
Anonymous tilda said...

LOL, that's soo funny.
Dave is cool...


2:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd say buy the guy a pint on me, but I can't drop you the cash...sooooo a good slap on the back and a "well done" from the U.S. will have to do.

2:42 pm  
Blogger pop renaissance said...

fuck me running - dave RULES. we need a band manager like him.

8:20 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Dave does rule in his own little way. I guess (from the little chat we had down the pub afterwards) that after serving his country and dealing with whatever the fuck you deal with in Special ops: these stupid petty little council officials with their pathetic money grabing ways have just kinda become irrelevent in his grand scheme of things..

As they say in the world of finance: Dave's a big swinging dick!!

No shit.

9:11 pm  

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