Christmas A to Z

Soo, I've just about recovered from yesterdays nightmare, i'm off to see Sweedy girl for Christmas, goose for Christmas lunch seemingly.

Anyway as it's Christmas, and I'm away for a while, sooo I leave you with:

The A to Z of things I love and hate about Christmas.

A is for Aspirin: You gonna need em!

B is for Baubles : Shinny round glass ( or plastic ) decoration brakey things.. What the fuck is that about eh? And who invented them in the first place, who actually one day sat down and thought "That's it, Eureka!! I'm gonna start a Bauble factory... That'll show the fuckers who's boss!!" ?

C is for Christmas (itself): Good idea-bad idea, I donno, but I guess you can get drunk though!

C is also for Crackers: OK, foil thing that explodes revealing a paper hat a really bad joke and a crap toy/game/novelty item...No fukin idea about this one, no idea at all?

D is for Duff (Plum duff) as in traditional Christmas Pudding: It sits in the middle of the table with it's pal brandy butter saying "Eat me you know you wanna you fat pig!" And you do, even though you've just eaten half a sodding turkey, the best part of Farmer Bodgers vegatable patch, two kazillion potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sause, bread sauce, gravy, little sausages wrapped in bacon and a prawn cocktail thing washed down with a few bottles of red, but, fuck it you'll have a go, why not!!

Next thing, you wake up four hours later?

Plum duff, Christmas fukin morphine if you ask me!

E is for elves ( Wot live with Santa): Do you really exist, I have my doubts, and If so, why do we never see you on Oprah defending yours'elves (sic) I'd like to dig into your background and D'elve (sic) into your history. Ok, it's a shit entry, sorry!!

F is for Fights (Family): Never really happened in my family, but boy does it happen elsewhere?

G is for Germans: For bringing us the Christmas tree! Woohoo!!

H is for Holly: Stupid invention, good for prickling the neighbours cat...nothing else!

I is for Immaculate Conception: Yeah right! Immaculate Conception of a massive worldwide centuries old fraud more like. Errhem, pull the other one, it's got flying Reindeer on it mate? I'm going to agnostic hell!

J is for Jesus: Who's that then, what's he gotta do with it, is he buying the presents? He did what you say, Oh !

K is for ?: As much as I've tried to rack my little brain, I can't find anything Christmassy about the letter K, not one thing??

L is for lonely: Not so much nowadays, but after my parents died and my girlfriend left me in the same year: my definition of lonely equates to an evening spent on a very deserted Oxford Street with my (then) landlady's dog and a bottle of Vodka feeling very very alone!! Oh how time heals..

M is for Mistletoe (snoging under) : Good with the right person, but...it never is, is it! It's alway someone you'd never snog in a million years but feel obliged to... Hmmm!

N is for: No I don't wanna listen to your fukin Johnny Mathes Cd again, Oh go on then, If it makes you happy.

O is for Oral sex: Ooops... Sorry, wrong list!

P is for Pressies: The best bit (as a kid). I remember my Mum scrambling on Christmas eve to exchange this Bike she'd bought me, cos somebody had decided two days before Christmas day to go and invent the BMX? All the kids went "Oooooo!!!" And all the Mums went "Fuck, wrong bike!!!" All bikes simply pailed in comparison besides the BMX machiney thing, to not exchange for the BMX would simply have been parential hell!!

P is also for Pagen holiday: In case you didn't know, the Pagen holiday of Saturnalia: The holiday that Christmas (or Christmas day being the 25th Dec) was fabricated on top of to rid the Pagans of another of their seasonal festivals. Kinda like inventing the X-factor to rid the world of half decent talent in order to lines ones own pockets!

Q is for Queens speech: Dear Queenie, please can you actually say something that actually means something to someone somewhere, and not just rabble on about a load of obtuse random crap. We love you ma'am but... just have a go for once, there's a good girl. Please!

R is for Reindeer: Who thought of flying Reindeer in the first place eh? And please can I have some of what you where taking at the time.

S is for Santa: Yes we all know modern Santa was invented by the Coca-Cola company, but you gotta love him... Whiskey drinking old pervy pipe smoking git. The guy lives with a bunch of elves and brakes into houses and drinks all the booze at night for fucks sake, what more do you wanna know?

S is also for snow: Although, thanks to all the petrolheads who can't even be arsed to walk down the shops anymore, I don't think it exists in this part of the world anymore (no seriously?)

T is for Tree (Christmas Tree): Ok, well go and cut down a tree and stick it in the front room and watch the cat have a scrap with the needles, good idea? I guess they look pretty and they smell nice though!

U is for underhanded party game techniques: Listen son, cheat at pass the parcel one more fukin time and I'll 'av ya, you with me on this!! You fukin scally lab rat! And get off the fukin chocolates you menace!

V is for Virgin mary: She did what, nah mate, ain't fallin for it, she was making it up!

W is for: Where the fuck did all my money go??

X is for Xmas: Christmas for dyslexics. Sing along now: Old McDonald had dyslexia... I B E Y F, and on that farm he had a nig... M A S T Q etc.

Y is for Yule log thing: Thing?

Z is for Zzzzzzzz : The sound I make after eating too much Christmas pud. See (Plum Duff) !!

And that's that, the season of joy wrapped in 27 tasty morsals.

Laters