Why All Major Record Labels Deserve To Go Down The Pan.
Sooo: In response to the Cracked article Six Music Industry Tricks That Must Die
My response:
What, six you say?
How about....
7. Pop Idol ( or any programme remotely of that format)
8. Brick wall mastering
9. Genre assimilation ( i.e. that single sold so lets copy it just to sell a million units )
10. Squeaky clean song writing
11.Old school record marketing
12. Radio ( pay us money and we'll play your record ) marketing /pay to play
13. Back scratching
14. Assumption that good looking people can make fabulous records
15. Stupid A&R people
16. Fixed award ceremonies
17. Dropping artists after their second album doesn't sell as well as the first
18. Rejection of ( and suing of ) free downloading by people who wouldn't have bought the fucking record in the first place? Read: Building up a fan base
19. The single as a sub marketing ploy for an album ( Pink Floyd didn't need it, Led zeppelin didn't need it, Radiohead don't need it )
20. The [lack of] accepting of anything ( marketing wise ) that goes against the grain.
21. Ripping off artist ( who make you the money in the first fucking place )
22. Assumption that music always = money
23. Annyalation of Simon Cowell ( + his cronies ) and his capitalist music format
24. Major record labels
25. ( One sided) record contracts
26. The practice of remixing a perfectly good tune for the dance floor by giving it to some DJ who then basically slaps a 4/4 beat underneath and charges £5000 for the privilege ( which the artist then pays for from his/her royalties ) This can be done as much as 6-8 times on an artists record = £40,000 off the top before you even get paid.
27. Charging artist for all the meals/nights out/cocaine/sundry expenses that an A&R man will accumulate ( supposedly ) in the interests of your band.
28. Street teams [this is a big no no in my book] : The practice of paying children ( usually in the form of a couple of free Cd's a month ) to rig phone-in quiz shows, websites, forums, award voting systems in favour of one particular band.
29. Chart fixing
30. Seasonal trend fixing i.e. ruining the [once exciting] Christmas Charts. Read: Simon Cowell ) Again!!
31. External producers: Bringing a producer into the fold ( who once probably had a bit of success in the 80's/90's ) to basically charge [you] a fortune whilst sitting at the back of the studio ruining your pride and joy with his pathetic suggestions of how your record could ( and will ) be better.
32. Stifling artists: The art of signing an artist ( usually the competition ) then holding them under contract and never releasing any of their work for the benefit of another artists music.
33. Brick wall mastering ( have I said that already? Well I'm saying it again ) Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering???
34. Thinking that a suit can fix your label. EMI and Guy hands have just spectacularly fucked up on this count to the point that [I predict] EMI will be no more in say five years time. Any artist who actually signs to EMI in it's present state resides in: No. 101 Stupid Cottage, Stupid Lane, Stupid Town, County Stupid, Stupidland SA1 ROFL.
etc. etc. etc.
I'll probably add to this list as time goes on.
How not to fire bomb a nightclub
Laters
My response:
What, six you say?
How about....
7. Pop Idol ( or any programme remotely of that format)
8. Brick wall mastering
9. Genre assimilation ( i.e. that single sold so lets copy it just to sell a million units )
10. Squeaky clean song writing
11.Old school record marketing
12. Radio ( pay us money and we'll play your record ) marketing /pay to play
13. Back scratching
14. Assumption that good looking people can make fabulous records
15. Stupid A&R people
16. Fixed award ceremonies
17. Dropping artists after their second album doesn't sell as well as the first
18. Rejection of ( and suing of ) free downloading by people who wouldn't have bought the fucking record in the first place? Read: Building up a fan base
19. The single as a sub marketing ploy for an album ( Pink Floyd didn't need it, Led zeppelin didn't need it, Radiohead don't need it )
20. The [lack of] accepting of anything ( marketing wise ) that goes against the grain.
21. Ripping off artist ( who make you the money in the first fucking place )
22. Assumption that music always = money
23. Annyalation of Simon Cowell ( + his cronies ) and his capitalist music format
24. Major record labels
25. ( One sided) record contracts
26. The practice of remixing a perfectly good tune for the dance floor by giving it to some DJ who then basically slaps a 4/4 beat underneath and charges £5000 for the privilege ( which the artist then pays for from his/her royalties ) This can be done as much as 6-8 times on an artists record = £40,000 off the top before you even get paid.
27. Charging artist for all the meals/nights out/cocaine/sundry expenses that an A&R man will accumulate ( supposedly ) in the interests of your band.
28. Street teams [this is a big no no in my book] : The practice of paying children ( usually in the form of a couple of free Cd's a month ) to rig phone-in quiz shows, websites, forums, award voting systems in favour of one particular band.
29. Chart fixing
30. Seasonal trend fixing i.e. ruining the [once exciting] Christmas Charts. Read: Simon Cowell ) Again!!
31. External producers: Bringing a producer into the fold ( who once probably had a bit of success in the 80's/90's ) to basically charge [you] a fortune whilst sitting at the back of the studio ruining your pride and joy with his pathetic suggestions of how your record could ( and will ) be better.
32. Stifling artists: The art of signing an artist ( usually the competition ) then holding them under contract and never releasing any of their work for the benefit of another artists music.
33. Brick wall mastering ( have I said that already? Well I'm saying it again ) Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering???
34. Thinking that a suit can fix your label. EMI and Guy hands have just spectacularly fucked up on this count to the point that [I predict] EMI will be no more in say five years time. Any artist who actually signs to EMI in it's present state resides in: No. 101 Stupid Cottage, Stupid Lane, Stupid Town, County Stupid, Stupidland SA1 ROFL.
etc. etc. etc.
I'll probably add to this list as time goes on.
How not to fire bomb a nightclub
Laters
posted by london cokehead at 2:17 pm
9 Comments:
Great post - consider yourself Stumbled.
Re: Simon Cowell. He's a great businessman, Stevie Wonder can see that, but what does he know about music? As much as I know or care about quantum physics, i.e. fuck all to the nth degree. I cannot believe that anyone who inflicted Mr Blobby and Robson & Jerome has not been tried and executed for crimes against humanity.
The sad thing is, though, he seems to know what will sell to the Great British Public. And for that, the GBP should hang its collective head in shame for buying that shit. However, by the same token, would they buy it if it wasn't offered?
*Sigh*
Thanks China
"he seems to know what will sell to the Great British Public"
People are sheep and will eventually buy any product that is repeatedly force fed to them...especially kids with music.
dude, your dropping off my radar bro, get blogging big man
I think you should add "Belgians" to your list, and I would offer the following in support of my application:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-omNV0nueE&feature=related
-AS
Once more with HTML:
watch this
yours is the best blog ever - music industry insider meets flaneur/loose cannon. i likes it.
Where d'you disappear off to? New post please!
When you gonna invite me to your blog Miss nobody gwirl?
Londoncokehead@gmail.com
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