Diary of a London cokehead

2008-09-22T00:25:00.008+01:00

As you've probably gathered. I've decided I no longer feel the need to write this blog.

Thanks for your time, and this is still what... three years of my life as an open book.

To be honest, I just don't feel the urge to do this any longer.

Maybe somebody will discover it one day, maybe not.

And that's that...

...Last drinks at the bar ladies and gentlemen.

Signing off.

Lch

x

(although I may feel the need to pick it back up again one rainy day )

2008-07-30T02:41:00.000+01:00

Jeez Louise, I've neglected this blog so much it's actually fragmenting.

OK Heads up.. Ive been dating a girl for over a year now and she knew about this blog, sooo I couldn't write it any more for fear of hurting her feelings. This relationship is now over, so I suppose I'm back, and have liberty to write what the fuck I want again.

expect posts.

2008-06-30T10:20:00.004+01:00

Sooo, My sisters Husband is dying of stage 3 colonic mastized son of a bitch, motherfukin, spreading everywhere in his body, 1 year ( if he's lucky ) to live cancer, and I'm thinking 'Why them??

They discovered this last Friday.

There is no fucking god ruling this planet...and if there is, he's having a fucking laugh with us all.

She has four kids to look after.

I'm a very very fucking angry boy at the moment, so I'm listening to Kate Bush ( Arial ) to try and get myself in perspective.

FUKIN... MEH!!!

laters

Hey! my blog...completely forgot.

2008-06-03T14:13:00.009+01:00

Enough already...I'm posting!

Sooo: What's been going on?

Well I've been here:

And done this ( not me or the band in any of these pics by the way )

And this:

And this:

And been here:

And here:

And seen this:
And played with this lot:

Etc. etc. etc. In other words...all over the chip shop.

Places either visited or passed through in the last few weeks; Brussels, Vienna, Warsaw, Krakow, Marseilles, Graz, Belgrade, Heathrow, Gatwick , Stansted etc. etc. etc.

And today I'm having a day off before returning to the venue tomorrow to finish an install.

Points of note over the last few weeks.

Finishing a gig at 12.30 and spending 2 hours sleeping in the hotel before going back to the airport for 4am for a 6am flight, throwing a strop cos I thought I'd lost my bank cards, finding my bank cards, flying to Brussels, then Vienna for a three hour drive up into the mountains into Graz and then playing at 3 am the following morning.

And you lot think this is all fukin glamorous and shit.

What else? The synth museum in Austria, lots of lovely knobs, sliders and assorted flashy things, right up my street. Shame JR made us speed around it a lightning pace coz he needed to go sit in his hotel room and smoke dope???? Well done, first prize, brilliant idea. Like we never get to see the inside of a fukin hotel room ever.

I will never forgive you.

Very happening place by the way Graz, lots of cool bars, restaurants, nightclubs inside mountains, arty shit and generally happening things happening. Well worth the visit.

+ We reckon if the flight home had crashed it would have taken out half the British dance acts and DJ's scene.

It didn't

Oh yeah reminds me of the other week when British Airways tried to feed a plane full of Roots Reggie Rasta's ( traveling as a band to the same venue as us ) bacon sandwiches for Breakfast..

"Bumberclot! take it away you stanky gwirl or I check you out of t plane window with yo boyfriend who look like a gwirl too, go on now and why I still smellin dat shit!? "

Next err: Getting sooo pissed in Serbia on a barge ( converted into a nightclub ) that I barely made it through airport security and I can't even remember the flight home. Something about plumb brandy if I remember rightly?

Finally: getting barred from my local pub for being naughty in the toilets. No biggie really, plenty more pubs where I live. Technically I don't know if I'm barred or not, but I'm guessing I am and I'm not going back in just for a certain tosser behind the bars personal satisfaction of turfing me back out again.

He knows who he is the hyprocrytical, pug faced, Lirish ( London Irish ) tampon brained twat!!

Nuff said.

And that's that really. Busy busy bee.

Right I'm out the door to find a new local

I'll post as and when I get time and/or something interesting actually happens.

Laters.

Easy Krak

2008-05-05T12:53:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I was called on short notice to do a gig in Krakow over the weekend after one of the headlining bands pulled out. So off we all trotted to Poland via (not-so) Easyjet Saturday morning.

Again, sorry about the shite pics, my camera phone refuses to take a picture in focus.

Not really a fan of the old Easy Jet as you kinda have to pay for everything once on-board. Although we did get speedy boarding ( you gotta love the name eh! ) which means you don't have to fight for a decent seat. Complete useless on the return journey though as all it means is that you get on the bus that takes you to the plane first? You still have to fight for a seat when you get to the actual plane?

Bit stupid really.

Still though, we got there.

Weird festival, there was like, 3 hour gaps between each band?? Never heard of anything like that before.

Anyway, great gig, and the band got loads of press whilst playing + some good reviews the next day in the local papers.

+ our own Winnebago for a dressing room

All good

I also got the chance to check out Underworld on the other stage who, I must admit, were shit. They spent the whole gig looking at a bunch of computer screens on-stage with their backs to the crowd. Great!

Superb showmanship lads... Superb /sarcasm.

Went clubbing afterwards to this place that seemed to be full of English stag parties. Not saying much at all to be honest, so I went to bed.

Back on the plane and back home yesterday evening.

I'm off to Poland again next weekend with another band to play in Gdansk, a weird Polish seaside resort.

What else? Oh yes, I've just discovered that I'm staying in this place whilst in Barbados for two weeks working in November. Can't wait, especially for the fact that I haven't had a proper holiday in six years.

Screams of " PROPER FUKIN HOLIDAY MR COKEHEAD, ALL YOU DO IS JET OFF HERE AND THERE YOU TOSER???"

Yeah but it's mostly work.

And that's about the size of that for my weekend.

OK, I'm off out with B and the dogs to enjoy this gloriously sunny day.

That'll teach you you little bugger

Laters

A ring thing

2008-05-01T11:42:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I gave my mate a hand with his boxing night last night, putting up the ring, doing the lights, sorting all the mics out etc. etc. etc.

One thing I've learned though: Assembling a boxing ring with no experience and no instructions = No easy task!

If you thought your Ikea wardrobe and matching bedside cabinet was a pain in the arse to put together ...try one of these fuckers for size!

Took us all bloody afternoon, rather like building adult Meccano...for the brave.

It was always just about finished till you had to fit in the last damn piece. At 5pm we thought we had all the basics laid out when my mate J ( testing the springyness factor of the decking ) reached the middle of the ring and basically disappeared in a cloud of dust through the boards.

Not a good look really.

Oh well, rather him than one of the boxers.

6:30 it was all done, canvass on, ropes on, pads on, no major injuries, a few cut hands... jobs a goodun.

Set up all the lighting and mics, and by 7 we were done.

Turned out to be a wicked night though 6 three round fights , no real injuries, nobody died, everybody happy.

I tell you what though: Boxing when watched ringside is one hell of a tough sport, when you can see the pain in the boxers faces and actually hear the punches landing it's a whole different ball game. I mean, I dabbled in Thai boxing and had a couple of fights when I was a kid, but is wasn't anything compared to this shit.

Good stuff.

I was in charge of the bell too. Ding Ding seconds away and all that.

We took the ring down about 100 x faster then we'd put the damn thing up as well.

Got home around 12:30, had a couple of rum and cokes, watched a film, went to bed.

I'm doing a big install in the venue at the moment, we've decided to put another mixing desk and live set-up in the second 300 capacity room so we can accommodate smaller bands as opposed to the main 1000 capacity room which if you put on a band night and the bands just bring their 100 or so mates it'll appear to be a shit night.

Hopefully this will accommodate them.

And that's about the size of that for the moment, going to Poland next week for a gig. I'm filling in for a mate of mine on a one off thing, should be a good laugh.

Right, I'm off down the polling station to vote for the new Major of London, hopefully we can get rid of that Ken Livingston fucker who's basically making London grind to a halt.

Hopefully. We'll see?

I want this game

Laters

Le gigs

2008-04-21T10:10:00.005+01:00

Sooo: I've just returned from the second visit to France and a wicked little festival La Printemps De Bourges in the centre of France. The festival is located in the centre of the town so no fucking mud to deal with. Kinda mad walking around a festival set on concrete flooring.

Sorry no pics as my camera phone refuses to take a good pic in the dark.

Note to self: Do yourself a favour mate...buy a new bloody digi camera mate.

The gig was a blinder which is good as the festival tends to be full of industry people looking to book up new bands to play in the upper levels of the French touring scene. All good. To be honest, the rest of the bands playing our stage where a combination of dull Jazzy hip hop and Jazz funk, which is OK to listen to in the house, but fukin boring live. I can safely say that we had absolutely no problem annihilating the competition on sat night. I think it was the first time the crowd had actually had a dance all day!

All good.

I was sooo tired and moody after the gig though as we'd been on the road for the best part of a day, so after the gig it was straight back on the bus and straight to bed for me.

The tour manager P got stopped in France for speeding yesterday. The second time in two weeks? He was stopped for being slightly over the limit last week and, to be honest, we got off lightly coz if they'd have searched the bus we'd have all been fucked due to the amount off weed we were carrying.

French take on being over the limit: Small fine and an hour long stay at the side of the road till you're under the limit again. We'll done France...try that in England and it's loss of license, a trip to court and maybe a spell in prison.

Got back to England last night and I sat in drinking a bottle of wine and watching a film. B is in Rome at the moment so I don't think I'll get to see her for a couple of days. Boo!

I'd usually have gone to the pub on my return but, to be honest, I'm going there less and less what with the smoking ban and the current price of drinks ( £3.65 a pint at my local ) it's just not the same any more. If I bump into some mates and start buying rounds, it can work out being a very expensive night out... no wonder so many pubs are going under.

Thanks the British government for destroying another part of why it used to be great being British.

I'm feeling more and more that I no longer want to live in this country. I'm sick of being raped by a government that gives me fuck all in return. It's bullshit and our green and pleasant land is on the verge of becoming a full-on fascist dictatorship. Our government no longer listens to it's voters? It's becoming a farce and something I'm feeling more and more that I no longer want to be a part of.

What the fuck is that about?

Anyway, I digress.

What else? Oh yes, there is talk of a few gigs in Barbados in November. Virgin airlines want to fly us all out there for two weeks, for three gigs which are unpaid, but...we get all our meals, accommodation and a car to zoom about in for the duration + coz it's a mini festival, they need an additional sound engineer (me) to engineer the other shows who will be paid.

Sign me up!

I can think of nothing better than lounging on a beach, going to work in the evenings (doing a job I love) then partying afterwards for two weeks + getting paid for the experience.

I'm bang up for that.

I'm going down to the club tomorrow to see the crew and find out what's been going on in my absence. My mate D ( who I've left in charge ) reports it's all been good. We'll see.

Right, I need to go food shopping so I'm out the door.

Laters

Tour de France

2008-04-14T14:39:00.004+01:00

Sooo: I've just returned from France after a 10 day tour covering about 2500 miles via tour bus.

I'm knackered to say the least. Had a great time though and it was good to be back on tour with the band again.

We've been to Mirabel in the alps, to Bordeaux, to the Loire Valley and Paris and Brittany and all the other places in between. In other words half of bloody France.

I apologise for the crap pictures, my digi camera has gone tits up so these are from my phone camera (thanks Nikon...again!)

Anyway, we did gigs ranging from this:

To this 500 capacity venue in a converted French barn full of nutters:

To this...
The last pics are from the 6500 capacity Zenith venue in Paris, amazing gig , and probably one of the best sound systems ( D&B line array ) I've ever had the privilege of working on. Zenith by name... Zenith by nature.

Apart from the gigs we've had times of getting pissed in the sun all afternoon French style:

To hanging out at the seaside:

To Carp fishing on the band managers private lake ( I swear i'm in the wrong fukin job!! )

No real dramas to report... well apart from me getting pissed on 55% rum one night, and then getting completely lost on the way back to the hotel? The tour manager eventually had to come find me, staggering about in the middle of some rural French town square like some supremely intoxicated British dick-head...

Ooops!

It turned out I had directions to the hotel on a bit of paper in my bloody pocket all along.

H'mm...

Never mind, a good time was had by all I'm thinking.

Plus I brought back a few different bottles of Haut-Medoc AOC Bordeaux Chateau wine ( Arguably the worlds finest wine... I think so anyway ) So I'm kinda happy about that.

I'm off to B's tonight for dinner and I'm sure me and her will polish one off.

Sooo: Three days off now and then we all go back [To France] for more.

What next for band on tour?

Laters

For my friend Miss Digga.

2008-03-31T15:18:00.009+01:00

I'm gonna keep this short because, to be honest, it's too difficult for me to express in words at the moment.

Yesterday we gave a final send off to our beloved friend Marie. Beautiful service...for our beautiful friend. Huge turnout of people. Marie was obviously known and loved by many, many people and I think I can speak for all of those who attended when I say that there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

A very very sad day...

But also a wonderful day of celebration, laughter, tears and a day I'll never forget.

It's a shame you weren't there Marie ( although, of course, you probably were ) at 5:30 in the afternoon, in the upstairs room of the pub where we were all having a sing-along, the sun decided to show it's face for the first time after many, many months of a dark long winter and completely lit up the room.

Was that you dear?

It reminded me of your smile

You brought us the first day of Summer kid, you really did, but hey! That was just you all over.

Anyway I'm gonna stop now cos I'm finding it too difficult to carry on.

Rest in Peace Miss Digga. We love you babe.

For you

xx

Marie

2008-03-24T21:03:00.009Z

To my friend Miss Digga. DJ, looker, dancer and generally lovely person.

Taken from this life prematurely.

RIP Marie, I'm sorry you were taken early

Sooo sad.

You will be missed ( more than you could ever know )

xx

Why All Major Record Labels Deserve To Go Down The Pan.

2008-03-01T14:17:00.008Z

Sooo: In response to the Cracked article Six Music Industry Tricks That Must Die

My response:

What, six you say?

How about....

7. Pop Idol ( or any programme remotely of that format)
8. Brick wall mastering
9. Genre assimilation ( i.e. that single sold so lets copy it just to sell a million units )
10. Squeaky clean song writing
11.Old school record marketing
12. Radio ( pay us money and we'll play your record ) marketing /pay to play
13. Back scratching
14. Assumption that good looking people can make fabulous records
15. Stupid A&R people
16. Fixed award ceremonies
17. Dropping artists after their second album doesn't sell as well as the first
18. Rejection of ( and suing of ) free downloading by people who wouldn't have bought the fucking record in the first place? Read: Building up a fan base
19. The single as a sub marketing ploy for an album ( Pink Floyd didn't need it, Led zeppelin didn't need it, Radiohead don't need it )
20. The [lack of] accepting of anything ( marketing wise ) that goes against the grain.
21. Ripping off artist ( who make you the money in the first fucking place )
22. Assumption that music always = money
23. Annyalation of Simon Cowell ( + his cronies ) and his capitalist music format
24. Major record labels
25. ( One sided) record contracts
26. The practice of remixing a perfectly good tune for the dance floor by giving it to some DJ who then basically slaps a 4/4 beat underneath and charges £5000 for the privilege ( which the artist then pays for from his/her royalties ) This can be done as much as 6-8 times on an artists record = £40,000 off the top before you even get paid.
27. Charging artist for all the meals/nights out/cocaine/sundry expenses that an A&R man will accumulate ( supposedly ) in the interests of your band.
28. Street teams [this is a big no no in my book] : The practice of paying children ( usually in the form of a couple of free Cd's a month ) to rig phone-in quiz shows, websites, forums, award voting systems in favour of one particular band.
29. Chart fixing
30. Seasonal trend fixing i.e. ruining the [once exciting] Christmas Charts. Read: Simon Cowell ) Again!!
31. External producers: Bringing a producer into the fold ( who once probably had a bit of success in the 80's/90's ) to basically charge [you] a fortune whilst sitting at the back of the studio ruining your pride and joy with his pathetic suggestions of how your record could ( and will ) be better.
32. Stifling artists: The art of signing an artist ( usually the competition ) then holding them under contract and never releasing any of their work for the benefit of another artists music.
33. Brick wall mastering ( have I said that already? Well I'm saying it again ) Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering Brick wall mastering???
34. Thinking that a suit can fix your label. EMI and Guy hands have just spectacularly fucked up on this count to the point that [I predict] EMI will be no more in say five years time. Any artist who actually signs to EMI in it's present state resides in: No. 101 Stupid Cottage, Stupid Lane, Stupid Town, County Stupid, Stupidland SA1 ROFL.

etc. etc. etc.

I'll probably add to this list as time goes on.

How not to fire bomb a nightclub

Laters

A rather heavy Harmonium

2008-02-27T01:05:00.004Z

Sooo: I engineered a Bangladeshi showcase night in Central London tonight. Some extremely good acts. Lot's of weird instruments to mic up though, but some absolutely outstanding vocalists + tea and biscuits ( Maybe a bygone taste of the British Raj? ) in the half time interval.

So yeah...a good night all round.

Funny: there was this girl singing and playing a beautiful old harmonium accompanied by a superb electric guitarist. Halfway through her set I kept hearing this awful banging sound from one of the mics? I noticed after a couple of minutes that it was actually the girl banging the mic with her hand as she pumped the bellows which power the instrument, sooo... I ventured onto the stage to move the mic to a less painful position.

Everybody good...nobody gets hurt.

But... as I walked across the stage I stepped on the fukin guitarists FX pedal board, instantly changing his Pink Floyd like, nice sunset on Goa beach echo reverb guitar effect sound to what I can only describe as huge death metal, distortion from hell, Iron Maiden up your bum, karate chop to the brain, everybody run for your life, doom sounding effect programmed by Satan himself on a bad day.

Ooops!!

I mean fair play to the guitarist, he held it together. I ( obviously ) exited the area, stage right at double speed, tail between my legs, never to be seen again thanks very much.

H'mmm

Apart from that it was a great night, everybody went home at 9.30pm too.

Bonus.

Tomorrow night is the bands first gig of the year.

Central London at some awards ceremony.

Let's just hope that Riggormortis hasn't set in too much after the winter break?

We'll see?

Jacques Brel - Ne me quitte pas

Laters

Light fingerprinting

2008-02-22T14:08:00.002Z

Sooo: Apologies for not blogging, I've been kinda busy what with this and that.

Anyway....

What's been happening? Well we've been having huge rows with Westminster council about emergency lighting down at the club. The council came to inspect the club the other week and because this fukin jobsworth inspector couldn't find anything wrong health and safety wise, he then decided to concoct his own scenario about the emergency lighting?

Basically the emergency lights are there in case of power failure and direct everyone out of the club and toward the emergency exits.

[Captain fukin obvious strikes again!!]

Fair enough.

Our emergency lights are red, have always been red, and have always passed every inspection.

But... Oh no, not on this jobsworth twats watch ? He launches into the spiel about red lights ( as emergency lights ) being illegal and threatens us with closure unless we change them to white lights??

It's a fucking nightclub you tosser!

Anyway, off he trots and returns with the buildings electricians and makes them change all the fluorescent bulbs from red to white? "What's the problem with that " you may say? Well I'll tell you the problem: The problem is that this then lights the club up like a Christmas tree. Even with the houselights off, it felt like you were standing in the middle of some office complex at lunch time with the blinds open on a sunny day??

For a nightclub = Totally unacceptable

We had so many complaints last Friday of " Can you turn the lights off please?" that I was literally pulling my hair out by the time the night finished.

We pulled out all the health and safety documentation shit and have since found out that this jobsworth inspector is completely full of shit. So (of course) we changed the lights back to red.

He can go fuck himself as far as I'm concerned.

The guy will be back tonight for his re-inspection.

Expect fireworks.

What else? Oh yes, now this is interesting.

A mate of mine who works as a school teacher had a visit from the Police the other day. It was one of those visits where the Police come to the school to warn kiddies of the potential dangers of drugs, crime, smoking, drinking and a bit of what the Police actually do, blah blah blah.

Nothing special there then...we all had those visits as kids.

But ( and this is the interesting bit ) The Police gave the kiddies a little project to take home.

This project consisted of the kiddies learning how to take their own finger prints and then returning the kits to the school complete with above said finger prints???

You see where I'm going with this.

Now I'm not quite sure ( neither is my mate ) if the Police are going to come and retrieve these little projects at a later date, but he was told to hang onto them?

What the fuck is that about?

No further comment.

Anyway...

The end of the World

And for those who haven't seen it already:

You suck at Photoshop

It's definitely worth watching the full series of these little gems.

Right... Off to work

Laters

An alarming night out

2008-02-06T13:46:00.000Z

Sooo: I was working a venue Central London last night, couple of bands, nothing to write home about. Same shit different day.

Anyway it got to about 10:30 and the venues fire alarm system went off?

The sound system power was cut, the emergency house lights went on and the security evacuated the building.

It was 10:30 so we decided therefore to just end the night and send everybody home. No biggie really, it happens surprisingly a lot wot with pissed punters smashing fire alarms on the way home 'n' all that.

I rushed around trying to find where the broken alarm was, found it, reset the alarm system , powered the venue back up and then I noticed...

....all the tills had been smashed open?

The venue had been robbed???

Right under our fukin noses.

In under 15 mins flat?

Not a trace on the cameras either? For some stupid reason (which I can't actually work out ) as the venue powers down into emergency mode. So do the fukin camers???

Whether the robbers actually knew this or not I don't know.

I would say probably not to be honest.

Yep...all the till locks had been smashed ( not a difficult job really with a hammer, a screwdriver and a couple of minutes. You'd have never heard it with the sound of the alarms going off ) but... these fukin chancers had made off with all the cash.

Unbelievable!

I mean hats off to them...genius idea.

The Police said they'd seen this before, but never in a packed venue full of punters, staff and security?

Must have been planning it for a while I guess.

The mad thing was that the venue manager was in his office the whole time and I was running about the place trying to find out which alarm had been smashed.

Never saw or heard a thing the whole time?

Clever.

Very clever!

Ninja robbers even.

Hope they enjoyed the crack fest the robbery probably paid for?

H'mm

Todays internet site of mesmerizing worthiness.

Laters

Birthday niceness

2008-01-29T19:00:00.000Z

Sooo: Sunday I was taken to a beautiful hotel by B for my birthday.

Lovely room, views of the river...awrfully posh.

Nice. Very very nice.

We chatted over a superb three course dinner and then relaxed in the bar getting pissed on expensive bottles of Barolo and Beaujolais-Villages.

All followed by many fine Hors d’Oeuvres de shag in the room till the wee hours.

I could get used to that.

+ she gave me a fukin superb North Face mountain jacket as a pressie . I'll never be cold on the streets of London ( or any other place for that matter ) again. It's gonna rock when it comes to touring again as it kinda splits into two more jackets for the summer.

B... you fukin rock honey x

The next morning, full English breakfast in bed.

Hotel operator: How would sir likes his eggs?

Me: Errr I dunno? Medium rare.

I think I was maybe still a bit pissed.

We prised ourselves away from the hotel at noon the next day, went back to B's and took the dogs out for a long walk.

Back to B's for a spot of chillaxin and a Thai curry I knocked up.

All in all I feel very relaxed from the whole experience.

Oh well, back to the real world.

Gonna do a spot of work with my mate N soon. Sooo Looking forward to it.

He's recently got himself a spot as an EAR ( Emerging Artist in Residence ) at the Royal Festival Hall, I'm gonna do some live record with him down there.

Seemingly every time the in-house guys have tried to record him, the finished mixes have sounded rubbish?

For somebody working at such a prestige venue that's just a bit pathetic?

I'd give my right arm to work there and if the work isn't up to scratch mate, whoever you are...I'm having your job.

End of.

N's work:

Top stuff indeed.

Destroy a website today.

Right, I need food.

laters

( lack of ) String theory

2008-01-23T13:28:00.000Z

Ooops!

It's all good doing the 'Who' smashing things up matey boy...

But...

...not so good when you wake up the next morning and realise you're in an unsigned student band and you can't actually afford a new guitar?

Meh!!!

Sooo: What's happening?

Well I went to view the houseboat the other day and it was all very lovely but:

A. The mooring fees are ridiculous.
B. What the photos didn't show was the fukin hideous industrial estate in the other direction ( complete with 24hr recycling plant and big crane car crushing scrap yard thing ?? )
C. It was bloody freezing ( even after the heating had been on for a full hour )
D. Insurance for a houseboat ( especially one with a recording studio on board ) is verging on the insane.
E. The lease was stupidly short.
F. You had to walk about half a mile ( with no other access ) down a towpath to get to the damn thing.

Oh and did I mention the gypos at number 52??

So I guess we'll give that one a miss and look for something else.

Never mind eh!

What else? Oh yes!

The gigs are flying in for yet another action packed year of touring the world.

Loads of shows, a tour of France, lots of festivals etc. etc. etc.

Should be a good one, that's kinda cheered me up no end. Christmas and this whole period of the year just makes me feel uber depressed.

Let's have some sunshine for fucks sake, I'm sooo sick of the cold and the bloody grey skies??

Anyway expect another year of carnage, although I'm gonna try and be a bit better behaved then I was last year ( note the try bit ) .

H'mmm?

At least it'll give me something to write about?

It's my Birthday Friday. I'm actually working but B is taking me to an extremely posh hotel Sunday for a night of fine dining, champagne drinking, whirlpool bathing and ( I expect ) a whole load of naughty tickling.

She's an angel bless.

And that's that for now.

I find this really sad ( but also quite well...dunno? ) :

Are you having a fucking laugh??

laters

Cruise Creatures

2008-01-19T15:50:00.000Z

OMG this is soooo funny

Fucking fuck me!!!!!

Just had to post these two. Gotta work so gotta run.

Laters

Vote Boat!

2008-01-16T15:11:00.000Z

Sooo: I'm looking into buying this houseboat.

No really...I am!!

Remember a while ago my landlady was thinking about selling the house I live in, moving back to Ireland ( she's bought a farm there ) and then giving me a whole heap of cash to find her ( and me ) a base where she can come back to London twice a year for visits and basically I'll look after it the rest of the year.

We'll it's happened.

The house has been sold pending contracts etc. and I'm looking for a new place to live.

We both sat down before Christmas and came to the conclusion [that] because of the spiraling housing costs in London (I've been given £300,000 to spend and all I can find is ex-council shit holes and pokey little 2 bedroom flats with paper thin walls and no character wot-so-fukin-ever??)

Then... Why don't we look at the alternatives?

i.e. Houseboats?

I'm telling you London housing is seriously out of fukin control??

Seriously?

Yeah...let's go look at some houseboats.

Sooo... I am!

I'm going to view this one either tomorrow or early next week.

A bit of peace and quiet in the midst of London's chaos.

Pretty excited really.

So is the landlady.

It's got 3 good sized bedrooms, a large living space and office, modern shower room, brand spanking fitted Neff kitchen ( complete with oven, dishwasher, washing machine etc.) roof terrace , phone line, wifi, the lot really.

And...all with a bit of character.

It'll make a superb space for the studio with enough change ( we're thinking, ) to install a wind turbine and some solar panels for free electricity and hot water.

We'll see?

There's an awful lot to be taken into consideration and a lot of questions to be asked i.e. mooring fees, marine surveys, council tax situation, insurance etc. etc. etc. But all in all I'm kinda excited.

The good thing is that you can't get mortgages on these things ( doesn't matter if your buying cash ) Which kinda leaves you in leverage fukin city as far as deal negotiations are concerned.

All good.

Still... I won't count my chickens eh?

Also: Sorry bout the lack of posting of late. I was a bit down over the Christmas period what with the cold and the dark and the lack of parents + various other thing that are getting to me at the moment.

But... onwards and upwards as they say. New Year, new start eh?

Inappropriate children's books

Fail!

Laters

Poetic justice

2008-01-06T06:26:00.000Z

David Lynch says it all.

Sooo: Funny as fuck.

I rewind to my mate A getting kicked out of that party on New Years Eve.

The scene:

My mate A is really really pissed

I'm looking after him

I sit him down for ten minutes to sober up before I take him home

But

This twat took it upon himself to play bouncer. Basically he hovered over my mate A till he left.

His standard comment was: " leave now!!"

" leave now!!"

" leave now!!"

No butts

" leave now!!"

Bit of an intimidating fuck this guy ( some 20 year old who fancied the party hostess and was trying to make his mark by applying his weight? ) But...there you go.

We left before we kinda killed him.

He thought he was sooo fukin special.

Sooo special

so special?

So fukin what

Dickhead!

Anyway... Went to work at the venue tonight and it soooo turns out this guy ( party kicking out guy ) is.... wait for it...

wait for it...

is

one of my new junior bar staff.

Brilliant!

It went from ( in his head ) "That's that idiot who I kicked out of your party" (aren't I the hero)

To:

OMG that's actually the guy who runs the club that I'm a nOOb bar person at.

Couldn't have set up the scene better if I'd tried.

HA!!

I spent the whole night making ( naive 20 year old ) sweat his sorry little pants off.

Every time I approached him...

he shit bricks.

And...

I loved every fukin minute

Poetic justice

Personified

And then some

I'm not one for revenge

but

It was sooo much fun

I guess the moral of the story is: If you wanna play games and stuff- just know

Eh!

Just know

Just know who you're dealing with

good job I have absolutely no fukin conscience

wot so ever

eh!

lol!!

love you all

Laters

Balloon buffoon!

2008-01-03T16:00:00.001Z

Jenghenge, complete with druid, wand and sacrificial alter. ( Don't ask! )

Sooo: Happy new year all. Sorry bout the lack of posting of late, it's been a hectic couple of weeks.

New Years eve I actually worked ( and got kinda pissed ) Couple of things happened of note:

A: The promoter decided it would be a really great idea to make a balloon drop thing ( to see in the new year ) and then tie it all up in the lighting truss frame. Trouble is though that when I came to turn on all the lights in the venue, he'd tied the fukin thing around all the moving heads ( you know, the twisty spiny lights you get in venues. ) Which then proceeded to spring into action churning up all the netting holding the balloons, bursting virtually every balloon, burning out several ( very ) expensive moving head motors and resulting in all out venue chaos as I scrambled to trip the light breakers before the whole fukin light frame caught fire?? Talk about a mess, it took us about an hour to untangle the damn thing from the lights. Stupid stupid idiot! I swear, some people have no common sense... wotsoever?

And:

B: My mate A.

I bumped into A a couple of weeks ago and invited him to the venue to see in the New Year. Bad mistake! A proceeded to get sooo fukin drunk that I had to baby sit him all night? He made such an arse of himself that it became embarrassing even by my standards, and all in front of the people I have to work with on a regular basis. It came to the end of the night and A just wouldn't sodding go home, so I dragged him off with me to a party...where he then proceeded to get himself ( and me as I'd brought him with me ) kicked out in spectacular fashion, something about him being naked in the toilet??? I dunno, I didn't see it??

I took A home and realised I'd left my fukin phone at the above said party? But...luckily I managed to track down one of my mates J via Facebook ( thank gawd for mobile phone internet ) who located the phone. I then had to travel back to central London, collect the phone and apologise to the organiser of the party before returning home feeling completely shitty from far too much booze.

I slept all day yesterday.

Sooo: Good start to the New Year then eh?

I'm gonna go meet with B in a while for a wee drink down the local.

And that's about the size of that really. To be honest, I'm just glad to get the silly season out of the way.

Gawker top 10 videos 2007

Rave generator: Totally rocks

Laters

A non christmas thing

2007-12-19T01:51:00.000Z

Sooo: Chrimbo, I've been such a bad boy.

I guess this time of year kinda fucks me up.

It's difficult when you party all year round to enter everybody else's 'once a year' party zone. It just doesn't sit properly? It's like: "What do I do? push the boat out more ( if that's actually possible? ) Or sit back and chill the fuck out?"

The latter is always the better option. I guess?

After this year, I really really can't party anymore at the mo.

I just don't feel the need too.

Had enough already... for now.

You lot carry on though. You deserve it.

I'll just listen to Radiohead thanks.

Anyway. I digress.

Words of wisdom for Christmas ( I abide by non of this by the way? )

...And it shows.

Love your folks when they're still around ( coz if you don't you'll regret it terribly )
Really think about what your giving people for presents.
Enjoy yourself ( for once )
Get all nostalgic ( it's the time of year for it... )
If you love someone. Make a fucking effort for once. For crying out loud. Just do it. No buts eh?
Don't worry.
You're alive. Seemingly!
Watch some TV ( 'It's a wonderful life' can be a good start. )
Next year will be better.
It always is.
Decorate your home. 'A change is as good as a rest'
Be happy
pay your taxes
Don't do drugs
ever
Make stuff mean stuff
educate yourself
the work is worth the result
don't ever ever get involved in any sort of creative industry
unless it's advertising
and it pays well
always see what you don't see
it always. always right in front of you
don't write anyone off
ever
unless they write you off first
everybody deserves a chance
or a second glance
remember the saying : " What came first? The Chicken or the egg?"
Well fuck me! evolution came first.
I digress

Dear me. Going into one there a bit.

Christmas

It just confuses the fuck out of me

Going to be.

Just get this and listen OK ( especially '4 minute warning' coz really, it don't get much better than this!)

Laters

So

Jeez Louise, whatever next?

The Jobsworth Sat night twat.

2007-12-12T02:25:00.000Z

Note: This story is in no way racist. Merely a cross-cultural observation of the events that unfolded.

Before you start!

Sooo: We finished up in the venue Sat night at around 3:30am. A bunch of us ( around 30 bar staff and doorman ) had all chipped in the £180 it takes to buy a corporate Sky 'pay as you go' license ( it's a business premises remember ) to watch the big fight on the venues huge video screen.

I tuned the sound system so that we could all get the full effect i.e. loads of bass and mid for that 'you could actually be ring side in Vegas' vibe.

All good.

We stocked up and bought 4 crates of beer and a few of bottles spirits, mixers and assorted bar snacks from the bar manager ( he was going home and therefore locking up the bar area ) We brought seating onto the dance floor in front of the screens and all kicked back for the big event.

All very good.

I'd been looking forward to this for all day for two reasons really: A. the actual fight and B. the fact that cos it was private viewing i.e. nobody working and nobody selling anything therefore I could relax and ( for once ) have a fukin cigarette in my bloody venue.

I'm sure this is what it felt like in the 1930's prohibition Chicago Speakeasy era.

Crazy but... It's what I ( and quite a few of the other staff) had been dreaming of doing all night.

Anyway: We all relaxed, opened our beers, lit our cigarettes and sorta kicked back to watch the biggest boxing match in almost ten years.

Again...all good.

Till...

Out the corner of my eye I caught one of the buildings Nigerian ( not that it matters, I'm just setting the scene so you know ) night security staff hovering in the wings expecting to bunk off and watch the fight for free??

"He can watch." I thought. We all need a break from the tediums of work now and again.

Ding ding.. Round one.

I light up a cigarette.

Bliss

But oh fukin no!

What's the first thing this fucking arse-wipe does?

He comes over to me and tells me to put my cigarette out??

I'm like: " Errr No! "and he then pipes up: " Listen...don't make my job any harder than it already is, just put out the cigarette! "

What the fuck?

Harder than your job already is mate? You're bunking off [your job] gate crashing our party and it's only coz you have keys and I'm playing the: 'Yeah he can watch, why not...it's Christmas an all that' card that this guy actually has any kind of fukin access to our little jolly-up anyway ???

He continues to protest?

You can imagine my reaction to this? It's 4:30 in the morning at a private screening in my fucking venue and some jobsworth tosser is telling me what I can and can't do?

Of course I protest in return.

Big time!

So you know what this cunt does next in his little Hitler power trip of trips?

He calls his superior?

On his likkle radio

"I'll tell me dad if you don't stop. Then I'll cry. Boo fukin hoo!!"

His superior ( another Nigerian power monger ) turns up uninvited?

What did we ever do to you lot to make you hate us and feel the need to tell us what to do sooo fukin much?

And especially from a country that perpetrates the largest amount of illegal scams on the face of the planet.

I mean come on?

Err...you don't have to answer that. British colonialism and all that.

I digress

Anyway

This then leads to an almost epic battle of ( others have joined in by this point ) Smoking ban Law verses Jobsworth twats verses "The venue ain't even open you cunts" verses " Well you ain't supposed to be here after hours?" verses " Well neither are you mate and what the fuck are you on about anyway, we can be here whenever it pleases us, it's our fucking venue?" verses " We can call the Police? verses " Do it and you're out of a job ( both of you! ) verses " We will" verses "So you're telling us that at 2 in the morning when there's no traffic on the road you've never broken the speed limit in your car cos that's illegal too you know??" verses " No I've never done that" verses " fuck off you haven't?"

Blah blah blah etc. etc. etc.

And...we all missed the actual fight we'd all actually chipped in to actually watch.

Although I must add that our battle was probably a little more interesting.

It was only when our ( off duty ) door security ( two of whom were in on the argument I might add ) stepped in that this didn't end up in a punch up of it's own?? Coz I tell you what? I was game as hell.

What a bunch of fukin jobsworth?

Really...

These twats completely screwed up our evening.

Anyway...the outcome of this was that we all left the venue pissed off and emails have been flying between us and them ever since about the complete downright jobsworth actions of the guys crazy lunacy for our [pathetic nanny state] laws?

" Oh...is it illegal then??? Well fuck me, we'll all be doing drugs next if not kept in check eh?"

What the fuck!

What a bunch of titmunchers!

I guess the point of all this is that these guys shouldn't have been in the venue anyway... let alone telling us what to do?

Their superior superiors have actually offered us a complete apology.

But really...bit fukin late now ain't it?

I'll get my coat.

Laters

On my [watery] soap box.

2007-12-06T14:26:00.000Z

Sooo: Been well busy this week, run up to Christmas and all that.

Did a very interesting gig the other night. Some ex soap star doing the rounds with his band?

I don't think that I've ever worked such a manically busy night, the venue was sooo mobbed that it was actually a chore getting from the mixing desk to the stage and back again. This bloke had women chucking knickers at him and everything ( literally? )

Not bad for what was basically a jumped up karaoke set of other peoples tunes?

All sung pretty badly as well to be honest.

Had some idiot trying to get the drumsticks from the stage hassling the fuck out of me as I was de-rigging the venue.

Complete pain in the arse he was too.

Note to that person: Why the fuck would you want the broken drumsticks from the drummer of some has-been soap stars band??? I mean Radiohead or Floyd yeah but...soap star bods backing band??

Really... get a life?

Also some chick asking me for a bottle of water so I passed her a full one from an on-stage pack lingering in the wings.

" Nooo! " She screams.

"I want that one!!" Pointing to a half empty, soap star infested, beaten up bottle of Volvic ?

I chucked it at her.

I really thought she was gonna cum right there and then as she scuttled off in soapy infested Volvic bliss??

Same applies: Get a life pet?

The meet and greet afterwards lasted till 1:30am??

I had to wait till it was over to shut the venue down.

Naturally I just got pissed at the bar and waited.

Got soap star guy to sigh me a poster for the sound booth wall saying: Thanks ........ I love you, I've always loved you!"

Rofl!

Rolfmunster!

Rolfmunster 'o' gram!!

etc.

Christmas, it all just goes tits up don't it?

Bibi's taking me for dinner tonight... all good.

Super cool...lol!

Ha ha.. Northern telemarketing man fights back.

Laters

Christmas...it's here again?

2007-12-03T13:55:00.000Z

Sooo: Sorry haven't writing lately, been a wee bit busy what with all the Christmas parties and wot not starting up. Busy week this week too, couple of parties, couple of band nights etc.etc. etc.

Stayed at Bibi's all weekend, the usual talking, shagging, walking the dogs, having Sunday Lunch. She's been nothing but nice to me since our little falling out and subsequent chat. No hissy fits, no moodiness. All good in that department.

Time will tell though?

Last week was the usual assortment of mediocre bands and not that busy club nights. Funny how the start of December is always dead and then the last 2 weeks before Christmas day go absolutely bonkers. I guess everybody is trying to save money for the big financially crippling let down that is Christmas and New Year.

Really really can't be bothered with the whole thing this year and , to be honest, I'd rather it was over and out of the way.

I'm actually gonna work New Years eve, I rather make a few hundred quid then spend a whole lot more.

What else? Oh yeah, my car failed it's MOT last week...miserably? And all on stupid little things that won't be cheap to fix i.e. little bit of fluid leaking on suspension = new fukin suspension? Tiny leak in the exhaust = new fukin exhaust? ABS light coming on under heavy braking = new ABS system, minute crack in the Number plate = new bloody number plate etc. etc. etc.

Not what you need around Christmas to be honest.

Oh well!

Nothing a few trips to eBay and a spanner won't fix. I kinda like a bit of a challange as well sooo....

And that's that.

Evil Knievel Dead???

For anyone wondering what exactly Emma Clark ( the voice of London Underground ) actually said to get herself sacked. Here is the full list...brilliant.

Laters

Mandarin madness

2007-11-27T13:54:00.000Z

Sooo: Last night I got roped into doing a Chinese/Japanese/Someotherbuggerese talent showcase for my mate D ( on account that he's dying in bed with much the same sort of food poisoning/stomach bug that I had last week? )

He told me about this thing and I'm like: " Mate, a what...really, fuck off, do I have to? Oh... OK then, just coz your ill"

I'm sooo glad I did though.

Talk about being moved to tears (literally) behind the mixing desk.

Sooo fukin funny.

Apart from the usual terrible versions of Japanese pop songs ( What is it with Japanese screeching power ballads eh? They really do reach extraordinary heights of walling shiteness? )
it turned out to be a legendary evening.

The highlights included:

The Simon and Chibunkle version of ' Widge over woubled water' ( I will way thee drown? )

Won't wop me wow ( I'm hawing much a wood twine... I'm waving a wall )/ We will we will wok you. By Qween

The Spice (rice) girls rendition of twooo become won.

And my personal ( all time favorite ) version of Oasis 'Wonderwall' into Pink Floyds 'Wish you were here' Medley accompanied by ( badly played ) piano and (out of tune) classical guitar.

Totally fukin laughed my pants off.

Easily a youtube 100,000 hitter.

OMG I sooo wished you were there.

Fukin hilarious... In the extreme.

Half way through I've got some girl screaming at me in Chinese to turn her up in the monitor. I knew exactly what she wanted, but...because I don't actually speak any kind of Mandarin... I just played ignorant till she got it into her little head to actually ask me in English?

Five minutes and a little school girl giggling fit (to herself) later...she got what she wanted?

The night finished about 9pm ( I'm sure these people don't have the ability to party past 10pm) , I packed up the stage, shut up ( the technical side ) of the venue and returned home on the tube still inwardly pissing myself with laughter.

I sooo wish I'd had the means to record the whole thing. It would've made a brilliant podcast.

Never mind eh.

Next time though, if D asks me to engineer one of those nights again: I'm jumping at the chance.

Classic

Free and uneasy

Laters.

The Sunday review

2007-11-25T12:57:00.000Z

Sooo: There seems to be a new fad hitting my local Sunday dinner pubs. It's kinda a replacement for the [lack of] smoking thing.

You see, what once used to be a nice smokey, ancient paint job, having a pint and a cigarette with your mates, watching the sports, getting pissed, falling off your stool, swearing your head off and generally having a bit of crack and a right laugh on a Sunday afternoon.

Has now become...

A fukin stale, static, wine swilling, no sports, new wall paper, playdoe smelling middle class couples and their 2 1/2 kids fucking nursery Sunday creche instead???

Jeez fukin louise

If I wanted to sit with screaming kids on a Sunday: I'd have some and stay at home thanks K!

I walked into my local last Sunday and in one corner of the pub, the tables had been pushed together and filled with screaming kids + plastic sheet + playdoe + colouring-in books + face paints + adults on another table drinking wine and talking about their fucking mortgages and what SUV they're gonna buy next???

Fukin disgusting!!

It's just not right.

It's not how I wanna spend Sunday.

To top it off, one of the PC ( PC.. really? Down the pub getting pissed with your kids luv? ) mums came over and ever so nicely asked us to keep the swearing down? Of course we ever so nicely asked her to: " Fuck off luv... you're kinda in the wrong place and all that? "

As Thom Yorke once put it: " Everything in it's right (fukin) place!"

Luv!

And why the fuck are you in the pub with your kids on Sunday anyway??

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-kids : In fact ( if I remember rightly ) I actually used to be one.

But...

Aren't you supposed to be in the park, or in the house cooking, or visiting Homebase and forcing your hubby to buy floral wallpaper and/or pastel doilies and matching napkin holders; or visiting your mother in Clapham or braking some bread with that Jesus bloke and his mates or like... ?

Just...

Not down the fukin pub with your 18 sprogs... annoying the locals?

On Sunday of all days?

What next? Ok, why not just stop serving beer altogether and start serving happy fukin meals instead?

No wait... isn't that called McDonald's?

Noooooo!!!!

I WANT MY SMOKEY NASTY FILTY FOUL LANGUAGE SPEWING FALLING OFF THE STOOL AND GETTING SOOO PISSED THAT YOU HAVE TO RING THE DEALER JUST TO GET BACK ON TRACK THUS STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN THEN DOING GARDEN JUMPS ALL THE WAY HOME AND FALLING IN SOME POOR BUGGERS THORN HEDGE SUNDAY DEN OF INIQUITY BACK PLEASE!!

In fact... I fukin demand it. It's my right to die in happy hell and Not...happy fukin valley?

K thx!!!

Have I made my point here???

Hmmm!

Going to the creche... for Sunday dinner with Bibi.

I'm moving

Laters

Wednesdays involuntary regurgitation session??

2007-11-22T14:52:00.000Z

Fuck me, I've just spent a day of hell in bed!

Got home from the venue Weds morning, had a couple of glasses of wine, ate a Waitrose chicken casserole, went to bed.

Woke up about two hours later and before I knew it I was slumped over the toilet bowl absolutely throwing my guts up? I've spent up until a couple of hours ago doing exactly the same thing, alternating between the bathroom floor and my bed???

High temperature; sweats, throwing up... the lot?

Everything that went in... came back out?

Had to force feed myself cream crackers and water, just to get up some kind of energy?

Fuck! My bathroom is such a fukin mess it just ain't funny.

I feel sooo bloody drained.

Thought I was having an appendicitis or summit at one point.

Not good.

OK... I'm gonna attempt to drive to Sainsbury's ( notice how I'm not going to Waitrose! ) to get some solid food and attempt to fix myself.

I have no idea what is going on outside of my bedroom?

Ooof!

:0(

Laters

An English Poisoned Rose.

2007-11-20T01:01:00.000Z

Sooo: Oh dear...I did a boo boo!

Sunday Bibi took me out for a pretty spectacular lunch, we ate in some posh pub called the Dysart Arms in Richmond, lovely venue, piano playing in the wings, couple of bottles of wine etc. etc. etc.

After lunch we went for a long walk with the dogs in Richmond park. We walked and talked arm in arm, as couples are supposed too, then we stopped off to visit Bibi's mother who's buried at St Peter's Church Petersham, you know... just to say hello.

A couple more pub stops and then back home via the local.

Pretty perfect day...

...that's when it all went tits up?

Not her fault this time... completely mine.

We were sat having a nice drink, the perfect end to a pretty perfect day when... In walks my mate C with J ( his art student daughter ) And, to be honest, I just couldn't keep my eyes off her.

Not good, not good at all

I'm seriously attracted to J, even though I know it'll never work out. She is strikingly beautiful.

Proper princess; the skin; the teeth; the hair; the wrists; the smell; the beautiful curve of her back; the perfect neck, those piercing eyes... the lot.

A perfect English rose in every sense of the word.

But...she has a boyfriend.

Bibi had seen me in the pub the night I'd pulled J and decided ( coz we weren't speaking ) to stay out of my way. She asked me about it over lunch and I told her the truth. Why not... clean slate 'n' all that.

Anyway, when Bibi clocked all me doughy eyed over J, she got jealous, said her goodbyes and walked out? To be honest I'd have thought she would have put up more of a fight (me too), but... off she went? leaving me but with one option but: to go and chat to J.

And I did.

It gets to like, 9pm and I decide to go outside for a cigarette. J follows me outside, pulls me around the corner, slams me against the wall and snogs me like I was the last person on the planet she was ever gonna snog again.

Game over I'm afraid.

She was all over me the rest of the night.

Oh dear!

Of course I returned the compliment. It would have been rude not too ( if only for the memory that it actually happened. )

11.30pm I go home. I don't take J with me.

I may be a monster, but... I'm not a bastard.

Now I just feel sooo confused... and sooo guilty.

What to do?

Really... what to do?

Bibi texted me today saying that she's confused too.

I'm in a love triangle.

With no idea what to do?

I know what'll happen though. I'll make the wrong decision and lose them both ( as per usual )

For fucks sake, it's never easy is it?

Oh dear... Oh dear indeedy.

What to do.

I donno... become a fukin hermit or something.

Ooops

laters

Brighton acrobatics

2007-11-17T15:45:00.000Z

Sooo: The Brighton gig went pretty well, good gig, no dramas. we tested out a new brass section and they sounded pretty excellent to be honest, made a lot of impact stagewise too. Sat getting drunk all the way home on the ( rather plush ) tour bus, not bad for the last gig of the year. Next year seems to be coming along nicely as well, talk of quite a few gigs in France at the start of the year and various other stuff drifting in. Should be another busy year. Can't complain, loving it.

What else? Not a lot really, Bibi's taking me for Sunday Lunch at one of best places for lunch ( seemingly ) in Richmond down by the river.

She's trying her best... bless.

And for anyone who's wondering what the fuck the last post was about? It was from an old flame who recently got back in touch with me via Facebook. We kinda lost touch when I moved to London years ago, bit of a childhood sweetheart. Suprised she's still single truth be told, although quite a few of my generation have remained single? I guess growing up in the middle of the rave scene taught us all that there really was more to life then 2.5 kids, a 9 to 5 and a mortgage??

Seemingly?

I guess a meeting is on the cards then eh?

Also:

Does anyone else think the new Guinness add is basically not that good an idea with a shit load of money chucked at it?? Coz I do! I actually worked on the sound design of the Horses add when I was doing the advertising thing ( Although I still to this day reckon the version where the beat kicks in was ten times better, but you'll never get to see that one? Whadda add people know eh? )

Also at the time I wanted to recreate the Leftfield song that they used ( basically it would have taken me five minutes ) and take the £70,000 for ourselves but the guy I was working with didn't wanna get sued? Sued for what exactly? A track that Leftfield had already ripped off some obscure German techno artist anyway??? Some people eh? If he'd kept his mouth shut, nobody would've been any the wiser coz the Leftfield track hadn't even been released and they had no idea we actually had a copy ( It was acquired from their mangers office via the Christmas party ) ?

Idiot!

World war 2 computer working again... Yeah but the government really should be updating by now?

Amazing acrobatics

Going to work

Laters

Chat with an ex girlfriend

2007-11-15T00:40:00.000Z

22:48
there you go babe, easy peezy xx
lemony squeezy
22:50
good girl
How cool is that eh
wots a jabber client do?
it just like give you a specific box where we can type super fast, but I guess you've already found one ? Kinda like MSN

my fingers are fast
I'm sure they are dear... I'm sure they are x
yup
Sooo, anyway you cleaned up you're wine yet
22:55
sort off - licked it off
Oh dear.. oh dear indeedy
still got a full glass tho..
Got a botle full myself, but hey what can you do
Botle, what the fuck is a botle
dunno but its obviously good stuff
Yeah, no shit. Need a wee back soon x
thanks for sharing that wiv me
x
No worries, I'm always on my puter by the way, I get my TV and watch films and chat and work all at the same time. Tiz the way forward you know.
you were always a good multi-tasker
23:00
Ha, you know, it's nice being back in touch with you again pet
likewise - quite frankly i think its fuckin great xx
Yeah no shit, shame you've come up in a kinda grey and I look pink on this chat thing?
wot ya mean - as in the font colour?
Yeah, changed it, you,re a kinda pink color know and I'm a green.
I digress
h'mm
So much fun though eh, you new to this K
to gmail yea
tiz fun though, just when you thought you were going to bed
tiz fun yup
23:05
Sooo I'm watching American gangster as I chat good film
can't say i've seen it...god its freezing up here....
you need to be cuddled to sleep?
at the moment i can't even get into my bed - the dog is lay on the dog across the pillows!
kick the bugger off?
lay on the dog - good stuff this vino
no shit
think i have a problem
Whtat's that then?
red wine
Whatatatata??
yuupputty
I should learn to spell, great for your typing skills eh?
i did my rsa typing and gcse typing and got a B in English Lit and Lang at GCSE so suck that
Would love to babe believe me
23:10
why don't people understand u in london?
Long story mate.. long story
how come u not met a chick then?
Met loads, ongoing fukin saga. Same could be said bout you?
can't find anything that "gets me" if that makes sense
I hear you...totally x
my last playmate told me i scared him??? needless to say he got sacked a few weeks ago...
Wot where you like, his boss
no no, he just didn't get me at all - no one does
I actually do, or at least I used to
sounds like ya still do
I dunno, I'd like to think so
23:15
just popping downstairs to top my glass up.........
Good girl
I'm sure if given the chance I could top your glass up
wish ya wud
Well ya know, that was fast
Oh and by the way... I will
bottle was already out and opened
No comment... really

OH dear... dear
so u never play up here then?
Never, not after my parent deaths. Nothing there for me
fine
Oh ok nothing recently
shame
real shame but... what can you do
23:20
whatever you want to do
When you In London nxt?
not sure - nothing booked at the mo
Well get booked for fucks sake
good ansa
You know that
i am sat here smiling, shaking my head saying to myself - "shit he knows me too well"
Yeah but, I kinda wanna see you , it's been too long
farr too long
me too mate - i go to london with this job for training and stuff so i'll a look at what they have got in london asap
Training, listen we both need some bloody training
Well you do
23:25
ha
lol ;
Hmmm
cheeky
Yep
Giz a snog K
can't believe i was i london loads literally every 2 weeks from Feb to July this year
Stuff I don't wanna know 101
just saying
give ya more than a snog
Sure you will, like what? Sorry loaded question
don't apologise - lets me frank
be fank - urrrhh
FRANK
bit pissed
ha ha ha ha ha !!!
fuck off
Still funny
so NOt
NOT
Tis soooo
nanananan
you're making me laugh right now
good
Who's frank anyway
23:30
dunno
Let's me frank onyour yourz ass
I'm doin it now
sounds good
u r making me laugh now
I learned it in the jhunglz
ha ha ha ha
Ha ha you fukin self

Oh dear, what can you do
fuck me?
Love to
Norally I would
I wish I could spell right now
so do i
Anyway
?
?
!
?
?!
Wines working
r u finding this as amusing as me or is that just me??
Me too, believe me
spot on
Oh fun to be had
plenty of fun - where were we?
23:35
Donno, like right here. I was telling you how much I want you right now.. I think
sounds lovely
Oh it soowould ( will ) be
it will
OK K
can i ask u a question?
go ahead
Tiz big question yes
when we used to hook up together for sex - did you actually find me as a person interesting or was it just for sex? - be honest
both, I always cared for you K
correct ansa
YOu've always, always been on my mind to be honest... always still after all these years
I remember the firs time I met you and everything
Ahhh - fuck - i was just typing the same thing?? how spooky is that??
V sppoky
23:40
Me too - thanks to Charlotte and Kiddy
?
thats how we met
My parent front room, you stayed over
I snogged you
yup but charlotte (who was seeing kiddy at the time) persuaded me to come over to yours and meet you
you did snog me - and very nice it was too
And I remember that you like long wet hair, and sweaty sex, and all manor of things about you
And I remember the toe job to
u remember your mum walking in when i was under the covers sucking your cock
I'd forgotten that, but know I remember Ha
happy days
Happy days K happy days
I fell sad now
Feel sad
Don't - if it wasn't for that we wouldn't be here now like this
23:45
Guess so, but I still miss my parents
i can half relate to that - they are still wiv u - don't be sad. its not shit up there
I remember coming to leeds and having sex with you and it lasted like a minute coz you're mate was in the room
going to the loo again
it was manchester actually! u arrived early and ended up in her neighbours house
Did to, was it Manchester I'm sorry
thats ok!
Thanks x
u is welcome x
I remember that you introduced me to Wez montgomery too, still a fan
yea and you never gave me the tape back!!!!
23:50
shall i have another glass?
Ha ha ha... Ooops! Now I know what to give you for Chrimbo
Plaease do
i'd rather have something else.........
I know but You're there I'm here
i''ll order a cab
Ok, let yourself in
can't wait to c u
Good... me too to be honest
d'ya think we''ll recognise each other?
doesn't look like i'm going to the office tomorrow for 8am does it???
Donno, you think you'll be disapointed when you do?
23:55
You should go to bed
hell no
Hope not
fuck it - the wonders of laptops and mobile phones - i'll work from home first thing
If I was there, you wouldn't be gettig out of bed luv... all day
if you were here i wouldn't want to be getting out of bed
the whole week
good answer
thats the clean version
I wouldn't mind at all dear.. really
i know that! when was the last time u had a fuck?
What a fuck, or made love
wots the difference?
There's a big difference kid
wots ya ansa then to either?
3 weeks. I dunno. you?
is that a fuck or made love?
00:00
Fuck, I ain't made love for like, five years
Long time.
How long
?
4 weeks for a fuck, the other years ago if you say there is a difference. don't even think i've ever been in love mate
Oh cm'on
honestly
Really?
Yea
What's you definition of then K?
eh?
Of being in Love K
Dunno - suppose when someone just gets me totally and i totally get them. I honestly don't feel that I've ever loved any bloke - even the ones i've been with for years
OH shame, I was in love once. Didn't know it at the time tho
00:05
All ended in tears
Na not really, it reads like i've been sad but not at all.
Why?
YOu asked the question
Evasive
Oh Ok, it was when my parents died and I couldn't handle it. American Girl Sara West
I loved her. really I did
What happened?
I just imploded
Talk to me
I am
So where and what is she doing now?
Don't know K, probably keeping away from me
Maybe wasn't meant to be?
Obviously
Things happen for a reason
I have a vision of you sat there feeling sad now - c'mon chin up mate
00:10
Seemingly, can we change the subject please
Of course
well done
what ya up to tomorrow?
I'm going to Brighton for a gig
oh yea - sorry!
you wanna read about it : http://londoncokehead.blogspot.com/2005/07/story-of-s-part-1.html
will do
good
Part 2 if you wanna know http://londoncokehead.blogspot.com/2005/07/story-of-s-part-2.html
00:15
PAt tense though eh?
Past tense
just read the first bit
Tradgic
Mt whole lifes in there K if you wanna know
Not about drugs tho, that's just the title
Going to bed
i don't understand why it went so wrong when your mum died? surely if it was love it would have been ok?
00:20
Seemingly ,,, not so]
i know this is going to sound harsh but when you go throw stuff like that you just have to learn and move on
i learned so much from it though K
well thats good
LIke, remember peole who meant a lot to you and you fucked them off
c'mon we all learn from our experiences - thats life
YOu fall into that catagorie
which one?
u never fucked me off??
I know, I know I wanna see you again tho K I really do
me too and we will, we just still click don't we?
I guess we do
we do
We do
don't ever be sad bill - i'm here for ya
00:25
Are you ?
always x
going to the loo
ok
when you're young, you really don't see ahts
Waht's right in front of you
Can't even spell now
true
True
spandau hit
Funnt how it seems
Funny
it is
THE SOUND OF MY SOUL
hey c'mon your soul has great depths
So true
Funny how it seems
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels,when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul
This is the sound
I bought a ticket to the world
But now Ive come back again
Why do I find it hard to write the next line
When I want the truth to be said
I know this much is true
With a thrill in my head an a pill on my tongue
Dissolve the nerves that have just begun
Listening to marvin all night long
This is the sound of my soul
This is the sound
Always slipping from my hands
Sands a time of ts own
Take your seaside arms and write the next line
Oh I want the truth to be known
00:30
Did I tell you I rule
lalalalla
A ha

copycat
yeah well
wot time ya hitting the sack?
u r gonna keep intouch aren't u?
About now probably, wish you were here, could do with a bit of spooning action right now
ditto
Soon eh
?
Absolutely definately. U r always welcome up here too ya know x can't promise you'll see much apart from my bed but hey..............
All I want
is?
you
u can have
love you K always have, always will
00:35
gt'night xxx
wish you was fuckin here, i could just chat with you all nite.....love ya too. gnite xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx
speak soon eh
hope so xxxx you've got my email, numnber etc - just call if you wanna chat. xxxx
Love u x
xxxx
go 2 bed
i am xxx
I'll be back monday 8 pm let's chat again
Please - if you want to catch up over weekend just txt me. Right I'm going to bed now - take care x
XX

Bibi Socks

2007-11-14T14:52:00.000Z

Where do all the socks go? No really where do they go? Never mind the tooth fairy, there's a fukin sock fairy who comes in the middle of the night and has all your socks.... Complete fukin mystery?

Soooo: Met with Bibi the other night for a drink. Kinda went OK, she apologised profusely for being such a dick and basically put it down to the fact that 1. She was pissed ( she was ) 2. She was starting this new advertising executive job and they'd dropped her right in the shit without giving sufficient background on the company ( so she was uber stressed ) and 3. She was tired from above said job.

She gonna take me for Sunday Lunch, so I guess well take it from there.

Trouble is though: I'm not sure how much I fancy her anymore after that little episode.

It's really put me off.

In my experience that shit can get worse and not better. But I guess she knows what happens when I'm confronted with that level of grief.

Three strikes and you're out 'n' all that...

We'll see?

Anyway: I'm off to Brighton for a gig tomorrow so that should be a laugh.

Interesting article on re-cycling: I've always wondered that if we can put man on the moon ( debatable) then why the hell can't we invent a machine that separates glass from plastic from paper and save on all the extra bin bags and extra rubbish collections ( when they can actually be bothered , my recycle tub has been sat there for two months??? ) and all the extra hag of recycling? Our local council is about to start charging for the extra pick-ups. Which begs the question: " What the fuck am I paying council tax for? New street lamp bulbs ??

Typical teachers eh. I once got kicked out of class when the teacher told us that the word 'and' can never be used to start a sentence. I piped up: " And is a word therefore that can never be used to start a sentence?" And got kicked out for my trouble. Stoopid teachers eh!

Ha

Laters

Ask a silly question.

2007-11-14T02:21:00.000Z

Email thread about a band night from a girl who obviously gets very excited about the whole promoting thing:

1st email ( that was sent for me to sort the stage out ) :

Thanks. Great, how many mics do you have? Just so I know if
I need to start buying some before my next show. If need be I can
always hire the amps myself....

2nd email ( from me ):

About ten vocals mics + extra inst and drum mics

3rd Mail ( her response )

Ten mics, wow seriously impressive! I wouldn't normally need more
than 4 or 5 mics. I like the artists to do a stripped down version
of their sets so even the bands/groups only tend to send a
delegation as oppose to the whole percussion, brass section
etc :-) No seriously I try to make sure the events stick as
strictly to the 'Acoustic' label as possible so that's normally no
more than the artist(s) a keyboard (usually provided by artist
etc), a hand drum, or a guitar and if absolutely necessary for the
act, a backing track as well. I also have a guest DJ for each
event. I think that's it really. Would it be too premature to
book an evening in March 2008 as long as I pay the deposit in
January? I was thinking to get in there early for Friday 14th
March, a week before the Easter celebrations, as I'm sure you'll be
booked up then. That makes it easier to book artists as well, when
they know when exactly they'll be needed. If it's too early I'll
probably send you a text/email reminder just after the New Year
comes upon us.

4th email ( via third party from me )

Far too much info from that bird mate? Ask her what is the most mics she's gonna need on stage at any one time: and we can work back from there k thx

5th email ( responce to above)

Kinda like:

Bryan used to play guitar, but he may also bring a flute on the night, but if he comes with Cindy he may bring a piano and if Cindy is still going out with Harry he may bring a violin coz they love to have sex and play duet with Bryan, no wait, but.. Brian's going out with Nancy who plays drums with Kev bacause Kev has a knee injury after a gay affair with Phil and... etc. etc. etc.

No... but Like, seriously? How many fukin mics do you actually need on stage pet??

lol

Good job that bird ain't a CEO eh?

laters

Bad Mac... Good Mac!

2007-11-12T16:57:00.000Z

Sooo: for the first time in five years my Mac ( or one of them ) went down so hard that I had to get the OS disks out and do a full reinstall. Totally my fault as I pulled it's plug to plug the vacuum cleaner in as it was doing a software update.

But... Being a Mac, it reinstalled the software exactly to the point where I'd fucked it. No new configurations, no lost software, no reinstalling anything extra, just a bit of a software update that took care of itself on-line. It looks exactly as it did. What a superb bit of kit eh!

Only prob was that I couldn't find my OSX disks yesterday and so had to borrow some today.

Spent yesterday down the pub instead.

What else? Oh yes I've agreed to meet Bibi for a drink tonight. I've been ignoring her since that fateful night in her kitchen and I really don't think she likes being ignored. Especially when she drove past me at the pub the other day (I was stood outside having a cigarette ) beeped the horn, waved and I didn't even respond.

I'd just kinda erased her to self preserve myself. You get good at that sort of thing as you get older.

It'll be nice to say hello again...

...to the dogs!

I'll hear what she's gotta say though, it'll maybe stop me hating her stupidity for buggering up a pretty great relationship?

Maybe?

Well see... said the blind man!

Wow, we really did turn up in our thousands to buy the UK released iphone . Tell you what the problem is Apple: O2 as a network carrier with 2G internet coverage in only 30% of the UK... completely sucks!!!

Danger alert! This is the sickest most twisted web site I have ever seen, seriously... Don't view this at work ever!

Right, I'm gonna catch up on a bit of work.

Laters

Pedal to the metal?

2007-11-09T05:12:00.000Z

Sooo: Am I an adrenaline junkie, an addict or a complete fukin loonie tune? I can't work it out, is there something really missing from my life, or do I just want more.

The reason I ask is that I took my Calibra out tonight and negotiated the back streets of London at 100mph plus.

Just because I felt the need to .

It was 5am, so no real danger to anyone but myself. Total rush, but... totally stupid to be honest, I came home shaking with adrenalin, yet strangely satisfied.

Conclusion:

The Cali kicks ass.
I'm probably lucky to be alive
I'm an idiot
I should buy a racing car and go fukin racing.
I like to have a bit of fun.
I'm strangely dissatisfied with life in general?
I should have lost my license.
It felt sooo fuking good!

Interesting... but stupid.

What a rush though.

Hmm!

Oh dear, oh dear indeedy.

Bed

laters

Detour daughter .

2007-11-08T13:12:00.000Z

Sooo: Remember I told you the story of the night I broke up with Bibi and stopped at the local pub to re-group, bumping into my mate C and his 22 year old stunning art student daughter in the process.

Well, I was having a couple of pints last night and in walks C again. With daughter in-tow.

Seemingly every Wednesday she does the gardening for a local Nunnery and then C and Daughter get pissed together at my local. I like C, he's just a totally worldly wise bloke and he's always good to have a crack on about life in general.

I like his daughter even more though!

Anyway it gets to 11:30 and daughter J says to me: " Would you mind walking me to the station?"

Of course I was only happy to oblige but... we never quite made it to the station? We kinda detoured... via my flat.

Where she stayed the night.

In my bed.

All good.

J is an exceptionally beautiful girl, I fancy the absolute pants off her. She could be my girlfriend any day of the week. She fancies me too, I can see it in her eyes. You know when you look at somebody and their pupils get sooo wide you feel like you can actually fall in and it makes you just wanna grab hold of the person and snog em.

It's a lot like that. In fact it is that.

Dangerously hot.

We literally couldn't keep our hands off each on the way to the station last night.

Thus the detour

But... She also has a boyfriend?

Boo!

Never mind, let's just see what happens shall we?

So yeah J, ditch the boyf please, I kinda have plans for you pet lamb.

I've also just had a couple of property developers look at my landladies house. I'm kinda managing the sale at the moment and If these guys are interested, I'll get a pretty sizable finders fee from them. Plus the landlady still wants me to find her a London base and look after it while she returns to Ireland to live.

We'll just have to see what happens I guess?

Right, I have a band to engineer tonight in central London: So I'd better get my shit in gear.

Interesting food produce

So Mr Bush... You gonna invade all of these places as well? I think not mate.

Laters

Mr Blue Sky.

2007-11-05T13:50:00.000Z

Taken 35,000ft above our little planet 9:30 sat morning:

I like the fact that it's always summer above the clouds.

Sooo: Back from Istanbul. Still in one piece. All good.

Fri we had a pretty good gig at Fabric, left at 2:30 am, went home and slept for a couple of hours, then off to Heathrow for a 7:30 am check-in.

I've discovered a brilliant way of avoiding the ( pretty extortionate at £18/day ) Heathrow airport parking fees. I've found a place two stops back from Heathrow on the Piccadilly tube line where you can park your car for free in a residential area. Then you just basically jump on the tube the rest of the way. It took a couple of hours of searching via the satellite imagery of Google maps, but well worth the time methinks. There are no road markings on the street either, so if I was going away for a week or so then I could easily leave the car no probs at all..

I digress.

So yeah, we landed in Istanbul at around 3pm ( Turkish time ), sound-checked at 5:30, I finished up while the band did an interview for MTV. Then off to the hotel for an hour, then out for food at this mad little Turkish restaurant complete with violin and bongo entertainment.

I couldn't believe just how packed the streets of Istanbul are on a Saturday night? I'd say as busy if not busier than New York??

Istanbul is also a huge place, I've never seen as many Mosques in my life. Well worth the visit if you ever get the chance.

Pretty buzzing club as well, kinda like a mini Fabric. The band rocked it completely and the crowd went off! I've got a feeling we'll be back there in the near future. Good hospitality as well. I can vaguely remember stumbling back to the hotel at around six in the morning with two bottles of wine, one bottle of vodka and a bottle of Jamesons whisky. Can't remember much else really.

Sorry bout the lack of pics: I completely forgot to take my camera phone to the club??

Woke up at around 12:30 with an absolute killer hangover!!

Back through the streets of Istanbul to the airport at around 3 pm and back to London for 7pm.

Managed to take this picture on the way back ( fucked it in photoshop ) I kinda like it tho?

Flying back over London I'm looking out of the plane window and London looks like a war zone with all these explosions going off everywhere???

WTF!

Then I realise that of course, it's the night before Guy Fawkes night: Every bugger's setting off fireworks!

What an amazing site as we descended over London with big explosions everywhere. Superb!

Kinda looked a bit Blade Runner-ish.

Bet the Carbon fukin neutral, health and safety, pain in the arse do-gooders will try and ban fireworks and bonfires next???? You can kinda count on it nowadays!

Never mind... just enjoy it while it's still here I guess?

Anyway...back to London, dropped off the car and went down the local boozer for a couple.

Pretty good weekend all in all. Feel totally relaxed today so I'm having a day off doing bugger all.

All good.

Still waiting on this bloody hard drive tho??? Seemingly it's coming on Wednesday now? Won't be buying from that company again.

This is clever ( well actually not that clever as the guy got arrested? )

Rocky... Brilliant!

Right, cup of tea.

Laters...

ipods and Dolphin pods ( You see what I did there? )

2007-11-01T20:30:00.000Z

Sooo: I'm off to Istanbul for the weekend after playing Fabric tomorrow night, should be a good laugh, never been to Istanbul before ( Mind you: Never really fancied Turkey after watching Midnight Express a few years ago to be honest.)

I'll bring back some pics. Camera phone only mind you as my camera's fucked. Second one this year, both Nikon Coolpix , both with the same stuck lens problem. Wouldn't advise anyone to buy this Brand, the build quality is bollocks rubbish for the price??

OK what else: Oh yeah, somebody left an ipod in the venue about four weeks ago and never collected it.

Now it's mine... for the car.

Beats burning off CD's and having them skip as I go over bumps.

The four week venue lost and ( Not ) found rule: If it ain't collected within four weeks then it ain't obviously of any value to the owner and whoever finds it then gets to keep it.

Fair enough methinks.

Not fair enough seemingly for the guy who left a Brand spanking Macbook Pro ( A full-on top of the range and fully loaded model no less ) on a seat in the venue and then went away on holiday for six weeks hoping it would be still there on his return???

Errr... No!

Note to this idiot: Our venue is not a storage place for your electrical goods. If you knew it was there then you should have called to claim it? They do have phones and the internet ( for finding telephone numbers ) all over the world nowadays. The barman who found and then claimed it, sold it on Tottenham Court road mate ( not me.. But I wish it had been. )

And... don't try billing the venue for a new one, putting in a Petty claim and going for a court order ( as you did. ) Then... wondering why we don't let you back in the club you fukin numpty?

It was thrown out by the way ( just like him! )

People and their greater than thou egos eh!

I digress.

So yeah: Istanbul at the weekend. Back on Monday ( I think? )

This short film about Japanese dolphin slaughtering really got to me! This is a truly disgusting practice and should, in my opinion, be outlawed for good!

WARNING: Don't even think about watching this if you are of a nervous disposition! ( You have been warned! )

Hmmm!!!

Skipping back to this summers gigs: The true story of why the sound on the main stages sounded so shit ( read: not loud enough ) at Glastonbury this year.

OK... Food and a nice bottle of wine.

Laters

Shreaded tweet!

2007-10-31T15:59:00.000Z

Soooo: Check the damage to these speaker cones??? ( Sorry bout the blurry pics, I was using my camera phone )

Our sat night DJ/promoter ain't just blown them... He's completely fukin decimated them???

And then some?

I replaced the poor buggers yesterday afternoon and I couldn't actually believe the damage he'd caused coz he refuses to turn the rig down to a sensible level??? Wrong is not a strong enough word. Not only had he blown the cones but the pressure had been so high in the cabinets that the plastic domes protecting the back of the speakers from bass updraft were completely disintegrated as well?

They've been sent off to Martin Audio for analysis. Pretty clear to me really... they're totally fucked!!

I'm a little concerned as I'm off to Istanbul with the band over the weekend, so I won't be there to monitor the DJ and... the new speakers need a period of running in!!

I'm sending my mate D in to cover at the venue with strict instructions to basically batter this guy if he takes the piss.

I really have had enough of him.

Jeez Louise I mean... what do you have to do to get DJ's to keep rigs out of the fukin red???

It's not like, rocket science or anything?

I hate myself for actually doing this, but I've ordered a full-on battle hardened system limiter. I'm really not a fan of these things, I personally think that they colour the sound but I really ain't got a choice. They're not cheap either?

You gotta do what you gotta do though I guess?

The pictures are going on the venue wall of shame... Along with that bloody DJ.

Anyway enough on this subject, it's starting to bore me.

Handy ( I guess ) if you ever get stuck in an F-16

Chomp chomp chomp!!

Laters

Rewiring the reviews

2007-10-29T17:23:00.000Z

Sooo: Pretty uneventful weekend really, club Fri and Sat night was pretty busy, some guy got his head smashed in but, apart from that, nothing out of the ordinary really. The DJ even behaved himself? I suppose after last weeks events he's kinda got the message. Sunday I took myself for Sunday lunch and got pissed up with my mate C down the local and that's about it really.

Oh, nearly forgot, Bibi left me a note and some cash that I'd lent her at the pub ( behind the bar ). It kinda went along the lines of: Sorry for disastrously screwing things up...blah blah blah!!

I sent her a text saying: Got your note thx, still pretty ( read unbelievably ) fucking angry with your stupidity right now... But it helped. You take care care now Bibi x

She replied: Well I'm the one that has to live with it. After all I can't escape being me. Which is kinda shit. x

I didn't reply... I didn't see the point and I didn't wanna end up in some all day text-off where I eventually end up going round to see her, after the other night I've kinda seen enough and in my experience ( with some Australian bird I used to date ) that level of grief gets worse over time, to the point were you spend every fukin day walking on eggshells wondering how you're gonna get out of the relationship with your soul still intact.

I'm still pretty damn angry with her truth be told. Angry and sad at the same time.

Never mind eh!

Onwards and upwards.

Chin up and all that.

I think I'm gonna have to call up Sunday Paper art director gwirl, she's always up for a bit of no strings attached, off our heads, filthy fun?

Tomorrow I'll be at the venue installing the new speaker mids and stripping back the lighting DMX rig and rewiring , it's all gone a bit spaghetti up there after various new installations and I need the rewire to make sense of it all again.

My new hard drive delivery has been delayed till next Monday? Bit annoying cos it said in-stock when I ordered. Not really worth canceling it and going somewhere else, it'll take just take as long. Gonna have to wait I guess. I've shifted my entire Beatles collection ( 1.5gig ) off the system drive so at least I can get a bit of work done.

On a plus note our first compilation album for the label is getting some fantastic reviews. It's album of the week in no less then four pretty prominent music mags. Bit pleased with myself for that, partly because of the fact that I mixed it myself on Ableton live.

If ( just out of interest ) anyone of you has been wondering what ever happened to the new live venue we were building up in Canterbury, well it was abruptly brought to a halt over some council bullshit which I can't really be arsed to go into here. A new building is being sought, but suitable premises for that kind of thing are pretty hard to find, so we'll just have to wait and see?

Close... real close.

Penguin poking??

Common misconceptions

Laters

Bye bye Bibi?

2007-10-26T17:12:00.000+01:00

This is how my head feels today: More from Cyriaks genius here

I'm in such a bad mood it just ain't funny. Why? Cos I walked out on Bibi last night... for good??

Her ex boyfriend told me a while a go that she was a bit of a nut nut, but...cos I hadn't seen it I just thought that he was trying the old: 'Distant revenge ex pissed off boyfriend' thing.

He wasn't!

OK sooo I was supposed to go see her early last night and I got the "I've decided to go for a drink with my new workmates can I see you later on?" Call.

"Yeah no probs" I said. She's been working hard all week and getting up really early, so I thought a bit of R&R with her new buddies would be good for her.

She calls me at 10:30 and I go around to her place.

I arrive 20mins later and she's a little pissed (drunk ). Not a problem, we all do it. Pot-kettle- black and all that.

But... she's being really funny with me. Really funny?

I ask her about her day and, for no apparent reason, she just launches into this huge fukin having a go at me thing. And I mean huge.

Now I'm not being funny, but I've done nothing but treat this girl like a princess. I've taken her for dinner, we've had long romantic walks, I've walked her dogs, we've had a lot of laughs, lots of sex... Blagh blagh blagh!

Not because I've had to, but...because I've really wanted to.

In other words, I ain't done anything wrong. And believe me I'm more than capable of making things go tits up in spectacular fashion.

In fact I'd say that I'm an ex-world leader on the subject of 'Fucking up relationships in a completely selfish narcissistic spit my dummy out kinda idiotic way' ?

I guess we all are.

But not this time?

Soooo: I'm sat in Bibi's kitchen totally bemused by the events unfolding in front of me.

It was like she really was talking to somebody else about somebody else????

In fact, so fukin bemused that after an hour or so of being physcologically battered down ( without me actually saying anything ) I just clicked, my self defense mechanism kicked in and I thought " Fuck this for a game of soldiers! " I picked up my coat and just walked out never to return again. Ever!

I just don't need it. Period.

Especially after knowing her for just three weeks?

Talk about having your personality ripped apart, chewed up and spat out in your face by the devil herself.

Sad, I really liked her... and her dogs ( which apparently I'm not in the same league as intellectually? )

The scary thing though is that it was exactly as her ex-boyfriend told me it would go down... To the letter?

And to think I told him to: "Mind your own fucking business... for your own fucking good mate!!"

So I'm sad today.

Before you say anything: No, this had nothing to do with coke and no... she wasn't on her period.

I think she'd may have just taken a plain stupidity tablet in Soho whilst out with her advertising buddies?

Interesting turnaround though: On my return from Bibi's ( in a somewhat foul mood ) I called in at the local for a pint of: ' Ye ole question mark regroup and get on with it' Ale, and bumped into my mate C who was drinking with his fit-as-you-like-artist daughter who consoled me with the words: " Good, I can have you now then!" And then tried to stick the lips on me?? Obviously I replied with "Jeez louise J, not in front of your dad for crying out loud!" To which C replied: " Not a problem with me mate, you come pre-approved as far as I'm concerned."

Hmmm!!

Not as sad now.

I guess.

No... Still sad!

Anyway

Onwards and upwards

Infinite Oz: Amazing site graphics... Amazing!!

I'm so glad I don't do the 9-5 thing anymore.

Right... I have a club to run ( which apparently is all I ever talk about. Well that, the label, record production, music and just about everything else? )

Sorry and that, but I am what I do?

Better take a crash course in flower pressing, knitting, clothes, shopping and assorted pink stuff next time then eh?

Laters

A heartwarming fox story ( For all to read )

2007-10-25T14:41:00.000+01:00

Soooo: It's official, my life has come to a complete standstill due to lack of hard disk space and therefore as a result I've resigned myself to sending Bibi virtual stuff on Facebook and watching episodes of 'Lucy the daughter of the devil' and 'The Bionic woman' ??

Has it really come to this?

Anyway...

The new venue speakers arrive Tuesday. Obviously bugger lugs here will have to fit them. No mean task at 30ft up in the venue roof for someone who suffers from vertigo? I'm not scared of heights, it's just that I get the 'Dizzy as fuck lemming effect' when subjected to them?

What else: Oh yeah, a fukin urban fox has made it his business to use my car roof as it's own personal bloody toilet thus leaving me a nice little present to clean up every morning??

Little bugger...time to invest in an air rifle meethinks. Or... I wonder if 'Silent Roar' works on foxes ?

Reminds me of my first encounter with death when a farmer in the village where I grew up appeared from nowhere as we all gathered around a cute little fox caught up in a barbed wire fence then, as we watched with glee, proceeded to pull out a shotgun and blow the little buggers brains out all over the freshly covered snowy white landscape.

What a superb contrast the snow, the blood and the brains made on that cold, but strangely heart warming, winters morn.

Arrr the memories... the memories!

I digress ( for no apparent reason )

I forgot to mention the 'Health and safety for venues' meeting I had to attend the other day... funny that!

Last "Flight of the Conchords" vid ( before I bore the pants off you all ) : Inner city pressure.

Cocaine economics: It always amazes me a governments reaction to drug use, it's here, there's obviously huge demand, it ain't going away, therefore just legalise and tax it for crying out loud? If some people choose to lead a life of drugs debauchery, it's their life, so just leave them the fuck alone!

Obviously completely bloody mad?

Google moon

Right... cup of tea.

Laters

Space ( or lack of it ) the final frontier.

2007-10-23T15:42:00.000+01:00

Sooo: I'm in the house with a load of mixing and other stuff to do for the label, but... I've been completely brought to a halt due to the fact that all my hard drives are full to the brim??

I can't believe that I've actually got just under a terabyte of storage and it's all bloody full?

Gawd knows what we used to do five years ago?

I've ordered a further 500gig drive, but it won't be here until Saturday, so I'm just gonna have to try and crack on with a G5 running on 3 cylinders. I was doing an advert for DJ mag this morning and it literally took 4 hours to do a 10 min job?

Photoshop was sooo slow and kept quiting without saving any sodding preferences, so I would have to restart to free up hard drive space then redo all the preferences and try to do a little bit of work before the program zapped all the available HD space on the startup drive and quit again?

Nightmare.

Never mind, once the new drive arrives I'll consolidate all my itunes library ( the real problem at around 80gig on the startup drive ) onto the new drive and free up a load of space.

Till then I'm pretty fucked really!

And... I have stuff to do.

More 'Flight of the Conchords' Albi the racist dragon.

I can't believe the police have shut down OiNK. probably the best place to discover new music on the face of the planet. Can't the BPI and the major record labels get it into their thick heads that sites like these are actually good for the music industry. And... the police really should know better than devoting all their time and resources just to ( supposedly ) make these already stinking rich companies ( mainly rich from ripping off artists ) even richer??? When in doubt: bite the hand that feeds??

Super fast Tertris... This guy needs to get laid.

And

Never... speed in a time machine.

Laters

Babysitting the idiot!!

2007-10-22T16:18:00.000+01:00

Soooo: DJ's... Again ( or one in particular ) !

Sat night I'm baby sitting a poorly system in the club, I'm using band monitors to make up for a completely blown mid-range and I've got the limiters ( which I hate using ) on full.

The DJ/promoter ( that blew the rig in the first place ) arrives and I sit him down in the DJ booth for a bit of a talking too. I explain the fact that cos the midrange is blown the amp powering both midrange and tweeters will be feeding all it's power to just the tweeters, so there's absolutely: "No fukin way the rig can be anywhere near the red, or...it's completely fucked speaker time."

It goes straight over his little ( walnut sized brain ) head?

By the way the rig consists of Martin Audio H3 blackline speakers coupled with S218 bass bins. How he blew these things in the first place is a complete mystery cos they can kick out like 137db peak which is ridiculously loud, especially when you consider the fact that a F22 fighter jet taking off at 50 feet is only 130db???

The night he blew the mids up he must have had it sooo fukin loud that it would have been painful for anyone listening???

Stoopid!

Anyway... I'm in and out of the DJ booth all night checking and this fucker is basically turning it down as he watches me cross the stage? I'm getting really really pissed with him at this point.

It's probably got something to do with the blatant lack of respect for the clubs gear?

What a knob!

It gets to 12:30 and I'm feeling kinda hungry so I pop out for a bit of nosh.

20mins later I return and I swear the rig is fukin screaming, and I mean screaming? I make my way onto the stage via the band room so he can't spot me.

Fuck me the limiters aren't just flashing red, they're flat out red.

I lost it.

The guy is like some scrawny little fukin indy kid so I grabbed him by the neck, pulled him from decks and basically pushed his face into the amp rack. I was sooo pissed!!

I'm very rarely a violent person, but this kid was severely taking the piss out of me and it kinda drove me over the edge.

" Listen mate " I screams at him: " What the fuck aren't you understanding here?? Really mate, are you like, fucking dense or something? See these red light " I said pointing at the flat out limiters: " These can never be red again... fukin period, fucking ever! Or I swear I'm gonna punch you out!!!"

I wish this guy wasn't the promoter so I could just bar him from the club.

At this point the fire alarms go off and the whole club shuts down cos some pissed up punter has smashed one of the glass fronted alarm triggers?

Great timing.

Gawd all mighty... what next?

Anyway this was a good thing cos in the down-time I got a couple of extra long XLR leads and connected them from the DJ mixer directly to the stage box, effectively re-routing the DJ through the live mixing desk and through a couple of compressors ( with a long attack time ) to give a little bit of dynamic back to the sound ( Therefore stopping the signal being a total square wave ) and giving myself full control over how loud he could be.

It's was like being at school with a fukin naughty five year old??

Every time he turns it up: I turn it down on the desk.

I couldn't believe I was having to sit at the desk all night babysitting a bloody DJ???

He comes up to me at the end of the night and he's all like: " I'm really sorry I made you lose it."

Me: " I don't want your apologies son, I just want the limiters out of the red? It ain't rocket science, and until you can do it all by yourself: I'm gonna be here every Saturday night screaming at you! And...if the system is in any way ever fucked again coz of you: You're getting the fukin bill! "

I called up the Saturday night tech guy and told him that he ain't working till he learns to do his job properly. I'm gonna give him a couple of weeks off, then let him have a Saturday. But... when he does work I'm gonna put my mate D on the guest list with free booze ( the guys a top sound engineer ) and he's gonna basically spy on the rig and report back for me.

Jeez Louise, never in my life!

I bet that DJ's a single child! No ability to listen, whatsoever?

On a better note, Bibi ( international advertising girl and generally great snog ) started her new job today so I took her dogs for a long walk this afternoon. Top laugh, she has these two chocolate and white Springer Spaniel gun dogs and they're both completely mental. They run about smacking into trees and doing mad dog shit, you just can't tire them out.

I'm thinking that I should of had a dog when I was a kid. I was brought up in this country village and it would have been loads of fun. Guess I'll just have to make up for it now then eh?

Anyway.. I need food.

Identity crisis

Continuing the 'Flight of the Concords ( Conchords mate.. Conchords??) ' theme: Business time... Brilliant. ( more through the week )

Laters

A stand-up evening!

2007-10-19T11:27:00.000+01:00

A retrospective on life itself ( after a few!) entitled:

Boot, Bongo and piss weak Whisky ( underpinning a three quarter full pint of Stella (( later to be consumed by myself ! )) )

Sooo: I had the easiest nights work I think I've ever had last night.

What should have been the nightmare of mixing a live band on a fucked sound system by actually having to turn the band monitors towards the crowd, thus making up for the huge whole in the mid-range caused by the Saturday nights DJ's inability to hear properly, actually turned out to be a real easy ride.

I got to the venue and the promoter girl says to me: " Oh I forgot to book the band, so we've got a stand up comedian instead"

Thank gawd for that.

I set up one mic.

I've no idea where they found this comedian but he was possibly the worst stand-up I think I've ever seen, real bottom of the barrel shit. Absolutely terrible!

It got to 9:15 and the promoter gets up on the mic and announces: " OK everybody we're all going on a pub crawl if you'd like to come?"

And... Just like that the venue emptied.

Very very strange, very very strange indeed??

So I packed away the mic, the bar people shut the bar, I turned on the house lights and we all sat and got pissed.

Superb.

Nights like that: Bring em on!

I'm baby sitting the poorly sound system tonight and tomorrow night. I guess I'll get to watch the Rugby Sat night on the big screen though.

I'm not really a rugby fan, but if it looks like England may actually win something: then I'm all for it??

Sunday I'm taking Bibi for Sunday lunch, then we're going for a long walk with the dogs in Richmond park.

Right: I'm hungry so I'm off out for some food.

Daft exam answers: You've probably seen these before, but I still like them.

Very very cool ( If you look closely I'm sure the pilot downs a bird in the first few frames?)

NO!!

Flight of the Concords: Foux De Fa Fa ( love it, love the whole show actually )

laters

Fukin fuck fuckety fukin DJ's

2007-10-17T01:24:00.000+01:00

Sooo: No I'm not.. shut up!!

Anyway

The other night ( in fact on two occasions recently ) I had trouble mixing vocals above a band in the venue. This particular occasion I knew the singer really well and I know that he has a hugely powerful voice?

But it sounded really bad!!

Anyway...I got to the venue tonight determined to get to the root of the problem. Armed with my fave ( venue testing ) music I booted up the main speaker rig and within minutes I was realising my worst ( speaker ) nightmare.

Just to be on the safe side I kicked in the desk oscillator and did a full frequency sweep 30 hz to 18Khz.

In laymans speak: I am a man on a bicycle going up a rather steep hill, the bottom of the hill represents bass, the middle of the hill treble, the top of the hill... high frequency sound.

I digress

Anyway I peddles ( sweeps the oscillator ) to 350hz ( halfway up the hill ) and Mr Bicycle disappears... completely?

He only reappears at 4K ( bit further up the hill, but not quite at the top )???

Nightmare.

This means only one thing; While I've been away touring, the guy I hired to stop DJ's basically blowing up the system every night ain't done his job properly.

There's a big pothole where Mr Bike falls of the fukin radar halfway up the sodding hill only to appear somewhere near the top?

Or.... Some fukin Dj has blown up half of my ( extremely expensive ) live band/Dj rig speakers.

Fukin deaf DJ cunts!!!

I have 2 new midrange speakers on order.

At £1000 per fukin unit.

Am I happy... no I'm sodding not!!!

Note to all deaf DJ's... In the red means bad.

It ain't rocket sciences lads... Red light ( same as traffic lights ) means STOP... or it's TOO FUKIN LOUD!!!

I've narrowed it down to one DJ, sat night ( also the promoter ) playing loud as fuck and not caring about the consequences; to my system or the ears of his punters???

He'll care when he gets the fukin bill.

Pissed... Yes, yes I am.

On a positive note, Bibi landed herself a new job.

Now she's like, Bibi international advertising executive.

Earning about 3 times what I earn.

I'm in the wrong fukin game I swear to gawd.

Going to bed

Laters

In Drum Kits

2007-10-11T11:50:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Radiohead 'In Rainbows' What do I think?

Well personally I fukin love it but there again I luv anything Radiohead do. It's much more accessible ( Whatever that means, I guess it's insinuating that the rest of the world can't grasp conceptual music? ) than the previous 2 albums, but ( according to the critics ) it's not really a true 'OK computer' return to form. There again ( again) , Radiohead don't do the return to form thing ( i.e. there is no form) and that's what makes them sooo bloody good.

It's kinda like a big fuck you to the music industry and all it's critics. ( read: Failed musicians )

I like that..it shows balls, which in this pathetic PC conformist society it seems to me that sooo many people are severely fukin lacking!

I won't do the track by track analysis ( yawn ) Listen to it yourself, but needless to say I stayed up with it till 6am. Just me, Radiohead, Bibi's two dogs ( she was in bed after a day of doing a 'New media' presentation for some advertising company) and a bottle of red; thoroughly enjoying myself.

Can't say many bands can do that for me anymore??

How much did I pay for it?

£8.00

Although my download link didn't come till last night so I had to download it from Torrentspy instead???

My U2 obsessed ( to the detriment of all involved (( I fukin hate U2!!)) ) venue manager comes up to me halfway through the albums first playing on a full club system and spurts out: " It ain't no 'Josua Tree' is it mate!!"

Laugh.. I nearly fukin choked!

No idea, no idea whatsofukinever?

Damn it.. I need to get a new ipod.

Sooo yeah, In Rainbows; Fukin love it.

Can't wait for the second lot of tracks on the boxed set.

Update: Hate to say this but... I think that the vocals are mixed a little too quiet in places ???

It's cold outside, but having a studio in my room is keeping me toasty warm ( big up the power amps )

OK.. stuff to do

Bert and Ernie ( being different )

Rowan's Invisible drum kit.... lol

Laters

Technorati tags: Radiohead In Rainbows

Thou shall not...

2007-10-09T15:32:00.000+01:00

Sooo; Just got in from Bibi's, now I have to go to work, no time to write so I'll just leave you with this instead ( thanks Gav) :

Lego Hawking

Lol bike

And... The balloon bowl

Radiohead day tomorrow... Yeah man!!

Laters

Bit sore luv?

2007-10-07T12:53:00.000+01:00

Hilarious: I was setting up a couple of mics for the DJ's to use last night not realising that somebody ( namely me?) had left the outside speakers on so everything the mics picked up could be heard out in the street at considerable volume.

Sooo, two hundred people cueing up outside to get into the ( not yet open ) club.

I'm outside having a cigarette.

Barmaid one and two are arranging furniture inside; having a chat.

Barmaid one: Did you take Steve home last night Emm?

Barmaid Two: Yeah but I'm never doing that again.

Barmaid one: Why not he's lovely?

Barmaid Two: He stuck his cock up my bum and it really hurt!!!

Barmaid one: Oh!

Barmaid Two: Yeah, I'm really sore!!

Barmaid one: Anything I can do?

Barmaid Two: No I'll be OK... Don't tell anyone mind you!

Barmaid one: No No I wouldn't dream of it.

Ha!! ... You just told half of fukin London you daft ninny!!

The outside cue was rather quiet at this point.

ROTFL!!!

I didn't tell the barmaids... didn't wanna spoil the fun

Right... Taking Bibi out for Sunday Lunch

Lol

Gorden Brown... you're a fukin pussy mate. Stand up and be counted!!!
Laters

Bands, clubs, freshers and dead batteries!

2007-10-06T15:05:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Haven't really had the time to post this week, I'm in the middle of freshers week ( actually Freshers fortnight nowadays ) doing various gigs at various venues around London.

I think I've seen maybe one good band out of the dozens of Bindis ( read: Bad indie bands ) I've engineered this week. Just another batch of Artic Monkey/Klaxons/American teen Emo band ripoffs to be quite honest.

Where's the originality gone eh?

I'm not gonna go ranting on again about the turning the guitars up too loud on-stage shit, but... it's pissing me off to the point where I'm actually hating any band who brings a Marshall Stack through the door. Never really been a Marshall Stack fan, they're just all noise and no bollocks.

Give me a Mesa Boogie or a Trace Elliot any day of the week.

Actually I'll retract that statement a wee bit: It's not the actual Marshall stack I don't like, it's the sound achieved if it ain't set up properly i.e. Indie kid, gain up full, output up full = Bad fukin noise around 2k-4k (smack bang in the middle of the vocal frequencies your trying to make stand out in a live situation!! )

In layman's terms ( Regarding a small to mid sized venue) : Badly set up Marshall = Nobody hears any vocals, or vocals soooo fukin loud, to compensate for the guitar noise, it actually becomes painful for the audience (And me!)

I ran the club for the first time in months last night as well, the place was so rammed that we were operating a 'one in one out' door policy by 10pm.

I kinda like this coz: A. You can do selective entry ( Sorta like a Studio 54 type affair ) B. Anyone walking past just wants in, so it make the venue look great and C. Everybody buys tickets for the following week which means less cash floating around the place.

I'm going down there tonight for a ( Very rare ) Sat night stint. I'm usually out on the lash Sat night but I'm giving myself a bit of a break at the moment, so therefore I might as well work.

Tomorrow I'm taking Bibi for Sunday dinner, she has an interview for an extremely prestigious advertising ( So she tells me... Personally I think advertising companies are full of wankers being well... Wankers) company Monday morning, so I'm gonna take her out for lunch and make her chill out for the day ahead.

Looking forward to a nice slow Sunday afternoon eating, getting drunk and then sliding further and further down some pub couch as the day wears on... Bliss!

And that's about the size of that really, my car battery is dead today ( getting a new one on Monday) , so it means I have to go to work on the train when I really, really wanna drive and get home quickly after the club.

Expensive little buggers cars, I'm just hoping that it's the battery and not the fukin alternator that's shot?? I haven't changed an alternator in years, should be fun?

Never mind eh...I'll just get pissed after work instead and suffer the cab or night bus ride home.

Human LCD.. just well??

Sex machine, the real story.

Worlds maddest elevators

Totally crap video game endings

Classic

Right, cup of tea then off to work...

Laters

Rainbow Hair

2007-10-01T12:42:00.000+01:00

New studio set-up

Sooo: I managed to assemble my re-claimed studio parts last night and I think it's all looking preeety good.

I took me a while to sort out all the wiring looms ( not plugged in on the above pic )

Better go and make some music now eh??

Anyway

I told you all my mate T gave me a car the other week but what I failed to tell you was the hair story connected with the above said car.

Yep... My car has a hair story.

A few months ago T was shagging this hairdresser girl who he dumped on account of her being a bit of a nut job.

Anyway... little miss insane-a-tron hairdresser was not too pleased with the 'being dumped' bit and therefore decided that revenge would be a good option?

Not a good look really.

One night she paid T a visit and thought it would be a good idea to ( get this it's fukin great ) fill up his cars ( now my car ) exhaust system with hair extensions???

Yes you did hear right?

Fukin Hair extensions

Black with a silver braid

The thinking behind this doesn't really compute with my little brain, but I'm assuming the logic was:

A. To completely fuck the car up beyond repair

or

B. To make him die in a fiery flame road death?

Obviously ( or not so obviously) Non of the above worked and T found himself pulling hair extensions out the exhaust back box for the next two months.

We both thought the problem was completely solved until the other morning when I found myself tearing down the motorway with some driver flashing his lights at me in a kinda emergency: "Stop your car mate!!! " kinda way.

I pulled over

This guy runs up to me and he's like, " Mate there's some weird shit coming out of your exhaust??"

I explain... he laughs!

Bloody hell, I guess this girl really packed that shit in

So yeah; some cars spit flames at high speed

Mine spits out fukin hair extensions???

What can you do eh?

What next?

202.72.186.158... You were my 100,000 person! Thanks.

It's coming 10th October... Can't wait, soooo excited!!

How the fuck does a government get shut down?

reverse graffiti

Laters

Driving the 8 bus

2007-09-29T14:15:00.000+01:00

Sooo, I drove J (call girl) around again last. I didn't really want to, but after letting her down twice last week coz I went on a bender I decided to do it, just to shut her up.

My mistake!

I'd already experienced what it was like on a good night for a call girl, now I've experienced what it's like on a bad one. From fukin about at the wheel, to getting sent to the wrong address for a prank, to taking a client to a cash point coz J's credit card reader broke then discovering the guy had no fukin cash after all and having to turf him out of the car, to nearly falling asleep at the wheel at 7 this morning, to gettting so fucked off with J's complete lack of time management skills that it just wasn't funny, to dumping her at her flat at 8 this morning when she had another client waiting ( by this point I was way in the: "Enough is enough for fucks sake I'm going home" Zone!!)

She sat in the car all night doing lines of coke, I didn't partake, didn't see the point really.

Jeez, what a complete bollocks night. Don't think I'll be doing that again for a while

Anyway, on a plus note I managed to re-acquire one of my all time fave small mixing desks for the project studio yesterday. The good 'ole Mackie 32 8bus:

Pair it up with few dbx 266xl compressors, the G5 and the Focusrite Saffire and you're onto a winner. It's been sat in storage gathering dust for a couple of years after we broke down the Ladbrook Grove studio.

Bit of TLC and she'll be good as. All ready for the winter hibernation sessions. Fuck knows where it's all gonna go though?

OK I'm gonna go get some lunch and then me and Bibi are hooking up for a well deserved night in.

WTF...this system really works (read: sarcastic)

Wrong, but sooo right

Lol..still funny

Laters

Titanium smoked DJ

2007-09-28T13:04:00.000+01:00

Sooo, oh dear me I've been such a dirty stop-out. Went for a label meeting on Wed and only returned last night? Hooked up with Newspaper girl, went back to hers and spent the night mucking around in bed doing silly amounts of coke. She went to work Thursday morning so I hung around her place for a couple of hours then went to the Portobello gold, met up with a few old mates and got royally slaughtered.

I feel really guilty for sleeping with Newspaper girl though. Something about Bibi makes me not wanna sleep around anymore?

I really shouldn't feel bad though as we are, for want of a better word, just dating.

Anyway I've been trying to get hold of an Apple laptop for ages so that I can go do a DJ/live set thing as the label has quite a good underground presence at the mo, and it's a shame that the others are milking it and I'm not...Till now.

Seems newspaper girl has four Apple Titaniums she uses for work and coz she ain't an octopus ( actually after the other night.. I wonder) she's asked me if I want to borrow one.

Obviously I said yes, so I just have to go collect it then I'm gonna be all lap-topped up.

All good.

I reckon it'll take me around a month or so to actually put a set together, then I'm hitting the clubs man.

Been years since I DJ'd, considering some of the crap I listened to at Glastonbury I don't think that it'll take too long to get my name up there.

We'll see I guess.

Illegal to smoke in your own car because it's dangerous??? I have never in my whole life heard of anything as fukin ridiculous. Somebody please please round up the PC brigade and shoot the lot of them. What are we; 10years old or something? It's about as dangerous as changing fukin gear, winding a window down or opening your sodding sunroof.

Haven't you realised that human beings are quite capable of muti-tasking yet?

You'll actually cause more accidents from people trying to hide cigarettes as they pass the old Bill?

I smoke, I know what I'm doing, I have no fukin interest in living till I'm so old they wack me in an old fogies hospice; so please...just leave me the fuck alone!

Have you actually noticed the pubs lately... there's more people sat outside then in???

These politicians are all fukin insane!!

Don't hit me back with any fukin anti-smoking shit please... I really just don't wanna know.

OMG this is the man who is supposed to be the leader of the free World??

And...I really really really could not give a toss about the Blue Peter sodding cat, it's just not news?????

OK...I need a cup of tea

Laters

Somewhere over the dinner table.

2007-09-25T16:17:00.000+01:00

Sooo: I did a superb gig Sat night, it was for cancer research in Battersea Park Millennium athletics stadium and was kind of a day of folk type singers with a couple of small unsigned bands thrown in for good measure.

I'd forgotten just what a pain in the arse some ( not all ) new bands can be, especially after working with professionals all summer.

Note to new bands: A sound check is there for one reason and one reason only.

To get your on stage sound right for your gig later on.

It is therefore NOT ( see the big NO in NOT ) a time for you to:

Rehearse
Show the world just how good you and your band think you are?
Trawl through your full set (yawn!!)
Show the world how much of a brilliant Guitarist/drummer/vocalist/recorder/triangle player you've become after five minutes of learning your instrument in your bedroom. (hint: you're not!!)
A time to fuck around for an hour or so, completely screwing up the following bands sound checks??
And...Definitely not a time for you to be telling me that your guitar/bass/violin sound isn't right and can I fix it? Answer: NO... I JUST MAKE YOU LOUDER, THE REST IS UP TO YOU! IT'S YOUR FUKIN BAND YOU KNOW!!!

Jeez Louise.

The mad thing about it was the final act. It was around 9:30pm and the Sun had set. The stadium flood lights had been on for a good hour and the promoter made the venue turn them off while a bunch of people placed candles around the perimeter of the running track.

Then there were a bunch of people talking about cancer research followed by a minutes silence and then ( my fave bit ) This opera singer came on-stage and sang Somewhere over the Rainbow, kinda brought a lump to my throat as I lost both my parents to cancer about 7 years ago. All a bit moving methinks. It really did sound superb as her vocals bounced around the local tower blocks.

All good.

Sunday I went to Bibi's house where she threw a superb dinner party for fourteen ( yep fourteen) of her friends.

If the way to a mans heart is through his stomach...

Then this girl is completely fucked!! [read: reverse sarcasm]

She has this habit of bringing people together who are total opposites in every way.

I guess it's that half Italian large gathering of friends and family gene thing going on.

I ain't complaining

We all drank and played poker till the early wee hours of the morn.

I stayed Sun, we hung out yesterday and I stayed again last night.

Hmmm!

The man who saved the world ( A true but very scary story )

OK, I'm going food shopping

Laters

The great patheticness of man vs sex!!

2007-09-21T06:08:00.000+01:00

I've gotta write this up before I sleep.

Sooo: I've just returned home from a most unusual night out and about.

My mate J (call girl) has a driver who basically ferries her from job to job and then waits outside while she entertains her clients, but.. he's out of action at the moment with a virus.

Anyway...cos she was at a loose end and I have a car nowadays I decided to step in and run her around for the evening.

Helping her out you could say?

Interesting

And then some

Talk about an eye opener

She starts at around 11pm and works till around 4:30 ( it's 5:40am as I write and I've just returned home)

Sooo...

Things I've learned about call girls 101:

Most clients book for an hour, but rarely last more than 25mins
She saw 4 clients tonight and was in and out in 40mins max
Men are fukin dickheads
Her clients pay £350/ hour; that's £1400 for 5 hours work?
Men are total arseholes.
She feeds her clients lines of coke so she rarely has sex per-se. ( you can't really get it on after a few lines of coke)
Call girls totally milk men for all they're worth
Can you blame them.
And...they have no idea of the con
Men can be real dickheads
The richer the client, the more fucked up shit they ask for ( I guess they just become sexually bankrupt after a while? )
I got more of a buzz just knowing that I'm not the stupid fukin mug actually paying for sex.
It's one hell of an earner.
I've actually gone off sex a bit??
Naaa... that's complete bollocks!!
My car now smells like a whores fukin handbag...uggg!

So yeah: We drove around all night from job to job, doing lines of coke and having a right scream-up over the tales of rich wanker bedroom antics. I couldn't even write about some of the shit that goes on; I'd tarnish my blog!

We had a top laugh

J also paid me her usual driver rates; I came home with £300 + petrol money

Not bad for a bit of driving about.

I may just do a bit more driving for her mid-week.

It's kinda worth it just for the crack.

Does that make me a pimp???

Hmmm!

Alrighty.

Anyway

Best radio DJ Mobo awards... Tim Westwood. Ha ha ha ha haaa ha ha ha haaa ROFL ROFL ROFL!!!! Are you fukin kidding me, you kiss ass bunch of stupid pussies, you all need to be rounded up and fukin shot!! Vote Westwood... get your records played.

Cuddly thing???

Bendy bubble girl ( if she gets stuck just give her a quick nudge!)

Ha ha ha ha ha Britney ha Rofl!!!

Leave her alone you muthafuckers!!!

Thanks firefly, you truly rock for this xx

Right..bed!

laters

Haw haw haaawwww!!!

2007-09-19T16:29:00.000+01:00

Sooo, I av returne-vous from gay Pareee!! ( Back from Paris )

You know what? It's wrong what we say about Parisians being downright arrogant fuckers...

They're sooo not!

At all!

When you actually go and work with them they're nothing but nice to you...period!

The French being total wanker arrogant dick-heads is a complete fabrication on behalf of our beloved tabloid press.

Thanks for that!!

Give em a chance...make up your own mind...you may just be suprised.

I digress

Anyway... We arrived via Eurostar Sunday ( or was it Monday? ) and were picked up from the train station and driven to TV land through the streets of gay Paris. TV is a funny old machine, lots of waiting around for fuck all to happen then 40 mins of action in front ( and behind ) of the cameras.

Ok sooo.. we did a rehearsal at around 3:30 which went flawlessly, then sat around waiting for the actual gig to happen.

Doing sound for TV is weird, it kinda works like this: You have your normal live sound set-up which consists of 1 mixing desk for the bands monitors and 1 mixing desk for the FOH ( front of house ) that controls what the audience hears:

Plus there's another mixing desk outside of the TV studio in an OB ( outside broadcast ) van, which is basically an arctic lorry converted into a recording studio where the band are mixed to picture ( the sound that's to be broadcast )

This is where I was living for the day coz I was only really interested in the final production sound for the band:
I sooo want the OB van guys job. He basically comes in, mixes 1 band a day for an hour or so and then goes home ( half the time somebody else is mixing the bands for him?) How much does he earn for all that hard work?

A fukin 1000 euros a sodding day????

That's like, a top of the range BMW and a nice apartment in Paris for doing fuck all in a job I could do blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back?

Gimme!!!

Gimme now!!!

I digress ( again)

OK sooo the band were on-stage at around 8:30 for a six song set, again... a flawless performance; not a note out of fukin place.

Well done that band.

It was nice to be able to actually watch the band on-screen instead of miles away in a FOH tower at some festival.

All good.

Afterwards we were driven back into the centre of Paris to our hotel; right in the centre of the red light district.

Haw haw haaaawwww!!

We had a walk around, then went and chilled in a very French bar till around 12am.

Again...the bar-staff were nothing but nice to us.

Parisians are all arrogant wankers? I don't fukin think so!

Yesterday morning it was back on the Eurostar, back to England and back to Bibi's nice warm bed.

All very good.

That was that really, no hassle, no fighting, no tantrums... just TV fun.

And that brings us to the end of a fukin amazing summer of gigs.

What a summer it was too.

We have around five weeks off now to do what the fuck we want and then a few gigs in November to round off the year ( one in Istanbul as well )

I think it's about time I returned to my club to take stock and kick some ass.

They've had a mad summer too by the sounds of it, 1800 people regularly for the whole of the summer season.

All double good.

Right I'm out the door to go and see Bibi gwirl.

Oh dear... wtf!!

Squirrels rock

Laters.

;0)

Belgium or bust

2007-09-15T08:27:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Fri nights gig was the epitome of what a bad gig should be. Shit gig, shit Belgian crowd, shit sound, band couldn't really be bothered and it all ended up with a band member in-house fight outside the tour-bus.

Bad!

We left for Belgium via Dover and the Eurostar which, to be honest, was pretty damn quick.

You're on the train for what seems like twenty minutes ( especially as you can watch a film on the tour-bus) then we drove an hour through France to Belgium and to the gig. Very quick, with no standing in queues waiting to board a fukin Plane. We arrived at the gig around 8 pm for a 1 am show and just hung around doing fuck all. I must admit though the on site catering was pretty excellent for a festival and the bizarre thing was that it the VIP area was in a Primary school just off the site, we got to eat in the school hall ( it's been a while) ??

Being Belgium, the people are pretty boring, no drugs, no fit women, no real atmosphere per se, just all a bit well...dull.

We sat on the tour-bus watching films till it was time to sound-check.

The gig was totally shite?

Seemingly there was a World famous Belgian DJ ( complete fukin oxymoron if ever there was one) playing in the other tent so, of course, our stage was dead.. and I mean dead. Don't think anyone's actually heard of us in Belgium?

Oh well.

We got through the gig as best we could, loaded up the tour bus with booze and just got the fuck out.

Such a contrast from last weekend.

Back through Belgium and France to the Early morning Eurostar and home. Talk about blitzing a country in super quick time.

Anyway we're all trying to sleep on the bus and JR ( who's completely pissed ) is acting up. He kept waking me ( and various others ) just as I was nodding off and I knew that as soon as we got close to London I would have to depart the bus, get in my car and then drive home. Not good on no sleep and a bit dangerous to boot. Every time I was woken up I was getting more and more pissed at JR.

I wasn't the only one.

We decided to drop JR off first but...he couldn't even remember the street he lived on?? Not a good look at six in the morning when we're all shattered and basically just need to go to bed without getting fucked about trying to find a phantom street? Especially when we're going out of the way to get him home.

B ( the lead singer ) finally lost the plot big time with JR and they ended up having a splendid fist fight on a grassy knoll in full view of the tour-bus.

Totally JR's fault.

I just sat back and watched the entertainment.

Really not a good look at that time in the morning, in full view of middle class fukin Suburbia?

Let's go!!

No one got seriously injured and it all petered out with nothing more than a bruised ego for JR. Poor guy's gonna feel like shit tomorrow. Second time he's been beaten up in two weeks. The other time was by a bunch of 16 year old hoodies after he tried to rugby tackle one of them out of the blue, outside his local pub ( pissed, of course, again??)

Lucky he didn't get stabbed.

So yeah... Not a good look.

Anyway, completely shit gig.

Let's hope Paris, Monday is better.

It's what? 9am and I'm writing to make myself sleepy and then I'm off to bed.

Gonna go see Bibi later on for some good ole TLC ;0)

And that's that really.

Shitty gig.

It happens

OK...bed!

Laters

2007-09-11T02:02:00.000+01:00

Soooo...

Funny,

Not really, I actually can't be arsed to write anything today

and that's about the size of that

and

stuff

so there

bugger off

The lack of comments is pissing me off

500 readers a day and you all have fuck all to say

Sad

This just truly rocks;..

run away!!

Bed or Pub?

2007-09-10T14:32:00.000+01:00

OMG I think I'm still pissed from last night!

Horace Andy on the Big Top stage mid-gig.

A superb gig was had by all last night and it more than made up for all the shit that went down last week.

We traveled down to the Isle of white yesterday afternoon and caught the 4 o'clock ferry, docking about 5pm. I must admit I totally prefer ferry's to airplanes, a hell of a lot less stressful, and no fukin stupid waiting in line.

We're off to do a TV show in Paris next monday and we've decided to take the Eurostar instead of flying. We're all sick to death of being treated like fukin cattle... Airports fukin suck!!!

I digress.

Anyway, we arrived at Bestival at around 6pm and what a superb site it is, easily the best Festival in terms of atmosphere and vibe this year...easily. No back stage catering though, so I didn't really get a chance to eat before the gig?

Anyway, can't complain.

Pic taken from the top of the hill.

Sooo many munted people in fancy dress...top laugh.

We went on stage at around 8pm. We had the whole band this time, sometimes we're missing a vocalist or a trumpet player etc. But this time it was the full mob and it rocked. We got filmed for channel 4 as well. The cameramen ( + camera girl ) were dancing around the mixing desk at one point...Superb!

Digital fukin desk again, but...I'm kinda getting used to them.

So yeah, off stage at 9:20 after two oncours and off to the back stage party where I did a shed load of MDMA and got just completely fukin munted.

I went to watch the Orb play from the side of the stage and found a tent full of mad drunk people so I plotted up for a few hours chatting to some girlies.

We left at 5 this morning to get the early ferry. A ferry at 5am full of people returning home from a festival is like being in an episode of 'One flew over the cuckoos nest' x 1000.

Ooops!!

Funny, we had a Chinese promoter guy 'A' with us and It's his first time out of China, you could see him looking around just thinking: 'What the fuck is going on, these people are like, all totally loop soup nuts bonkers??'

Welcome to England 'A'

Ha!!

Check the sunrise from the ferry

Got back to London around 9am and passed out.

I'm up again, but I swear I'm still fukin pissed!!

So yeah, great gig.

We're off to Belgium next Friday and then Paris Monday. All bloody go eh!

I might go see Bibi in a while, we went for a walk with her two dogs on Saturday and ended up walking for about 12 miles? Nice though, we chatted about everything, she's an extremely intelligent girl. She kinda just knows shit about shit!!

All good.

Newspaper gwirl is back from Spain as well.

Double good.

Right... Bed or pub?

Bed or pub? Bed or pub? Bed or pub? Bed or pub? Bed or pub? Bed or pub?

Err...pub!!

Oh dear!

The worlds biggest holes.

Laters.

Return to Bibi.

2007-09-08T01:12:00.000+01:00

Sooo. I spent another night with Bibi, what can I say, she's kinda gorgeous, we kiss like we're 16 year olds... for hours on end ( literally ) .

She was in the other pub having a drink again and we hooked up.. again.

I have her proper phone number now.

All good.

Turns out her dad was one of the best keyboard players in the world ( I kid you not). She pulled out this box of pictures and it's like, Dad playing with Eric Clapton, Dad playing with the Stones, Dad in his Fleetwood Mac period etc.etc.etc.

Dad

Interesting!!

I connect with this girl cos she lost her parents a couple of years ago and I can feel ( actually I can see ) her pain. I'm not much use to many people, but I totally relate to this girl; maybe I can help?

I sooo Pick em.

Plus she has an unbelievable music collection.

Anyway, I'm taking her to the park tomorrow with her two dogs and we're gonna go for a long long walk.

She's not the one... I think?

Could be wrong?

I do like this girls smell though, it totally turns me on.

Sweedy gwirl has a new man, I'm happy for her. Good luck to him though!

OK Sunday I'm off to Bestival with the band, slightly nervous about it after last weekend, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

What can you do?

Did I ever mention that I live the life of Riley.

Anyway:

The World Health Organization says that listening to earphones at 85 decibels or more for over an hour at a time can damage hearing.

One word...Bullshit!!

85db is quieter than a busy street???

Name me one person you actually know who's suffered hearing loss as a result of an MP3 player, what's that you say... you can't???

Neither can I.

Scaremongering fukin idiots!!!

Hey you...it tells you wadda do!!

OK

Bed

Laters

Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi...Baby!!

2007-09-06T01:52:00.000+01:00

Sooo. I was a completely dirty stop out on Wed night, met up with my mate J ( call girl ) and kinda hung out with her for a few hours before she got a call to go do what she does. I left her pad and went to the local which I forgot was shut for a refurb, so I checked out the pub around the corner which, to be honest, I find a little too posh and up it's own arse for my tastes.

Turns out it has a much better beer garden than my local and quite a few of the regular local crowd had had the same idea.

All good.

Anyway, I'm chatting to my mate Z who's an African drummer when this girl calls out my name? Can't remember this girl from Adam ( I guess I met her on another of those coke fueled nights out when I can't remember what I'm doing??) She seems nice and we end up chatting all night, then we went back to hers and had a few lines from the small stash my mate J left me with.

Of course one thing led to another and I ended up staying over and having really rather filthy sex till around 3am.

Nice girl, complete fukin whore in the sack though. Don't get me wrong, I ain't complaining one bit.

Not often you get a girl that drives you nuts like you were a teenager again.

I can still taste and smell her, always a good sign, feels rather nice.

I should have a shower, but I'm soo not going to.

It'll just wash all the good bits away.

Yum!

Left hers around 11am to get back to the studio for todays session which worked out pretty well. The guy seems to be on the same page as me musically and I guess well be doing some good tracks in the future... we'll see?

I was supposed to meet with new girl this evening, but ( the daft idiot I am ) took down her number wrongly ( 12 digits instead of 11? ) But I think I can remember the house she lived in so I'll pop a note through her door explaining all.

I don't usually ( as you know) reveal names on this Blog but this girls has the cutest name: Bibi!

I could like, say that name all fukin day. Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi Bibi baby!!

Buck Rogers stylee... Lol!

Anyway, newspaper gwirl is in Spain at the moment and I'm kinda missing her ( don't worry, she fucks around, I fuck around. Best way really) But... she's asked me to look after her pad for three days while she gets her new (walk-in, actually...fukin live in) wardrobe installed while she goes to work ( seemingly she doesn't trust builders ) So I guess I get her for three whole days.

All good.

Jeez Louise, I seem to be having one of those 'loadsa birds around' periods in my life at the moment. It's right what they say about getting older as a bloke. Once you stop giving a shit and pinning for love, they all just start coming out of the woodwork...Trust me!

And that's that. Not bad for the middle of the week.

Right, It's late and I'm on my second bottle of vino, so I guess it's time for bed.

Rotfl

If you haven't seen Grindhouse, see it, two films in one shown like an old-skool cinema presentation, it really is a testament to good innovative film making. ( no wonder it was a box-office flop... normal people have no taste )

Future Rock God in the making

Right...bed!

Laters

Bills and gigs and phones and flights

2007-09-04T17:33:00.001+01:00

As promised some pics of the gig Sunday. For some reason they all came out shit? Think it may be time for a new camera.

Feeling a little better today apart from the fact that I have a new bank card ( left mine in the back of a taxi the other week ) and for some reason I can't pay my phone bill with it?? Been down to the bank and they say the card is OK, I mean I can use it in the wall and I can buy stuff with it? Dunno... Still won't let me pay my bill?

So what you say?

Well I always pay my bills at the last minute ( better in my account then theirs 'n' all that) But... I've left it too late and the bastards have put me on incoming only? The only other way is to pay at the post office ( three to five days to clear?)

Hmm what to do?

People are just gonna have to call me!

I have some new blood in the studio tomorrow and I had to go use a bloody phone box to confirm with him ( didn't know they actually still existed, but they do, and they work 'n' shit??)

Anyway... I went and bought some new Converse today to replace the lost pair and then cleaned the inside of the car ( for therapeutic value, ) tonight I'm gonna go visit my call-girl mate J for a chat and a glass of vino, she always cheers me up.

OK I'm out the door

Brilliant

Totally rocks, try it ( You'll need the latest version of Google earth though).

Laters

Good gig ( really, really ) bad gig!

2007-09-03T19:12:00.000+01:00

Sooo.

Hmmm!

Lost it with the band a bit ( actually a lot ) at the weekend.

Not their fault, just me being a complete fukin dick after a not particularly nice incident with a complete fukin idiot of a festival bouncer.

It kinda went like this (as far as I remember.)

OK so I was in a wicked mood after a really great gig, we all kicked ass and then some, the in-house engineer nods at me post gig and says: " Fuck me mate, way cool band!"

We all get pissed out of our minds, as you do when the gig's good. I'm having loads of fun doing what I do best.

It gets to around 2 or 3 am and I've kinda had enough so I go looking for the tour bus. I find what I think is the bus ( I could've been wrong but.. ) and proceed to open the door, it's locked though so I try the other side door...all locked

I'm just about to try the back door when this fukin dickhead of an Irish 6ft6 bouncer literally grabs me and starts having a go about me trying to break into the van. I explain, but this cunts having nothing to do with it. We get into a pretty heated argument " You calling me a liar mate??" etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, this twat starts getting physical with me? He's gets me in a headlock and starts to march me off god knows where. I free myself, but...he grabs me again in a headlock again and marches me off again down a dark alley. Of course I know what's coming, he ain't trying to throw me out or anything, Oh no! Too fukin easy, he ( and his other meat head mate who's now arrived on the scene ) are gonna find a spot away from the main area and kick the crap out of me???

Luckily my mate has clocked all this and he starts shouting at the guy to let me go. He won't of course and in the tussle that follows this bouncer stands on my shoe, pulling it off and then proceeds to kick it into the bushes.

WANKER!!!

I'm getting fukin angry again just writing about this!!

This all goes on for a few more minutes down a dark pathway, a all the while I'm managing to steer this tosser away from any really dark areas I can see and towards other people for my own safety.

My mate is pleading with this fukin meat head, but there ain't a lot he can do really as his bouncers mate is starting to have a go at him as well??

This...I'm thinking is gonna go horribly fukin pair-shaped any minute now.

I spot a police car and turn this guy towards it. He ( luckily ) spots it too and lets go.

Thank fuck, coz if those two had had there way, I'd be in hospital or worse by now.

I know this for sure.

My mate ( I actually had a go at him at the time, but the guy deserves a medal) then puts me in a cab and I return to the hotel in one fukin hell of a bad mood.

I'm talking a completely off the rails bad mood here?

Richter scale off the rails mood.

I go to bed and sleep.

I wake the next morning and I'm still fukin livid, especially when I realise I don't actually have any shoes to wear for the journey home. Nobody else had a spare pair either.

"I'll just fukin deal with it," I told myself??

Sooo... We all get on the tour bus for the trip home ( I'm still pretty damn pissed off at this point ) I'm telling the story in a hail of foul language when J ( one of the band members ) cracks a joke something along the lines of: "Wouldn't wanna be in your shoes mate!"

Wrong answer mate...

I completely lost the plot at this point

Fukin...big time!

It didn't get violent, but fuck me it was close... Far too close for comfort really!

I couldn't help it... I was wound to the fukin core by the events of the previous night.

Ouch!

Everything came out, and I mean fukin everything.

For the next 30mins I became uber uber rock-n-roll five year old dickhead of the year.

And then some.

It retrospect it was stupid, embarrassing and totally out of order on my behalf. But it's done and I can't change that!

Stoopid!

Quite surprised I still have a job if you want the truth. I've had to do some proper apologising today and I'm gonna have to be on my best behavior for some time from now. But, to be honest, that's not such a bad thing. There's been loads of dummy spitting incidents in the band of late (not just by me I might add)

I think it may be time to cool off before we all get a reputation??

For stupid five year old behavior.

So yeah, I had to suffer the embarrassment of traveling through Gatwick airport in just my socks?

Not fun...but doable all the same I guess?

One thing I've learned though: Nobody ( and I mean nobody ) actually looks at your feet??

Silly, silly, silly!

Tonight I'm just gonna crack open a bottle of wine, watch a film, and feel pretty sorry for myself.

Shame, cos I had such a great time apart from that.

Even Lennon got smashed as well you know!

Chocolate rain to cheer me up ( I know, you've seen it but hey! )

Pics of gig tomorrow ( when I get new batteries for my camera )

Ouch!!

Laters

Should be sleeping really?

2007-09-01T23:46:00.001+01:00

Sooo. I've had sort of a mad week. I'm kinda writing at 1am and I have to be out the door at 5am for a 10 o'clock flight from Gatwick ( yes it takes that fukin long to check-in nowadays??)

Yes I went to Nottinghill Carnival but just on the Monday. I spent the Sunday with newspaper girl at her pad in Nottinghill drinking wine in her back garden. Got up around 12 o'clock and then went to join my mates up the road. My mate A was actually letting people use his toilet for £3 ( or two for fiver ) a pop. He made about £1500 + he was selling beers from his front garden.

All good.

Tues was a complete right-off.

Wed I went down to the venue and fitted a new sound system outside the bar area so the smokers have something to listen to outside.

Thurs Little Mistress came to see me and we spent a nice day in the pub reminiscing and getting totally arseholed! She left Fri morning after a night of rolling around.

Fri night I stayed in and watched a couple of films ( had a gig but it was canceled )

And that leaves tonight, I'm went to bed around 10am and tried to sleep. I'm up again two hours later...my time clock just ain't having it?

Bit of a mad ole week then.

I'm off to Ireland in the morning for a gig at the Electric picnic should be OK I guess, all the gigs just seem to be rolling into one at the moment. ( not that I'm complaining really. )

I guess pics on Tues.

And that's that really, still alive, still doing my thing.

Interesting... But completely useless!

Lol!

I'm gonna try and get more sleep now

Laters

Yey or Nay?

2007-08-24T12:23:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Feeling better today, I've been kinda knocked out all week ;0(

Went out Wed night ( which didn't help ) and woke up Thursday in a right kerfuffle, so I just made lots of tea, ate lots of food and watch lots of films yesterday.

Feel better today.

I think?

The big question is though:

Nottinghill Carnival Yay or Nay?

Yay:

I'll see all my mates
Get completely munted
listen to some good music
Party till the early hours

Nay:

I'll get completely munted
Not be good till next Wednesday
Yeah you get to see all your mates but... non of them can string a sentence together!
I'll spend a fortune. Carnival can be one of those: " Oh my god!! I could have bought a new ipod/SLR camera /boat/car/house" moments on Tues morning depending or not if the dealers are live ( which, of course, they will be!)
I've seen and done it all before ( virtually every weekend this year...as a job! )
I've got a feeling it's all gonna kick off this year. There's an unsaid murmur of trouble brewing. Nobody's really talking about it, but every one of my Kensal Rise friends has mentioned it at some point over the last few days ( call me paranoid, but paranoia keeps you out of hospital) I've been involved in fights at carnival before and believe you me, you really don't wanna know.

So yeah, what to do?

The party I go to is just a little outside of the main Carnival drag, so I guess it'll be OK??

Newspaper gwirl lives dead center of Carnival, she hates it to the point where she's staying in bed with a load of films and food and not moving.

So I may just go and join her to be honest.

I'll see, I may pop out for a bit on Monday ( famous last words)

Hmmm!

Fuck me, wireless electricity whatever next... Dehydrated Water?? ( Just add milk!)

I like this story, boy done good plus I'm a huge fan of Jamaican food and this swauce.

OK I'm out the door

Laters

Not well

2007-08-22T11:14:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Wednesday, it's pissing down outside, it's cold , and I'm feeling really under the weather. Sore throat, bad head etc. etc. etc. Been feeling like this since the weekend really, not suprised after three day of rolling around in mucky fields at festivals?

Hopefully a cup of tea will sort me out? I'm supposed to be meeting mini Cleopatra newspaper gwirl tonight, but if I'm still feeling like this I may give it a miss and just sit at home with a cup of Horlicks or something. I dunno!

So what's been happening then? Absolutely bugger all, I've been hiding coz I don't feel well.

I guess it's Nottinghill Carnival again this weekend, but I don't even fancy that at the mo.

Oh woe is me!!!

At least it's not this cold!

ROTFL!!!!

Not the first time I've seen these things at festivals this year.

Errr... so what???

I can't be bothered to type any more, it's just hurting my head

OK I'm off out in the car to do some stuff

Laters

Two V's and a B.

2007-08-20T12:44:00.001+01:00

Sooo, back from the weekend....Suffering somewhat!!

Top gigs though, the band nailed all three. Friday at ( Err just check the wristband ) Oh yeah, Fri at Beautiful days was probably the best gig I've seen the band do. We went from having a few people sitting on the floor in front of the main stage to a heaving crowd by the fifth tune. Totally fukin rocked it! Nice sound system, fully spec'd front of house, big fukin toy box of FX to play with and no fukin noise police telling me to turn it down.

All good.

Plus we all got completely fucked after the gig on the ( seemingly ) endless rider of booze .

Left the festival at fuck knows what time, drove to the digs somewhere ( not sure where ) and managed to get about three or four hours sleep.

Ok, one gig down, two to go.

Gig two: V festival Stafford, Strongbow tent.

My least favorite of the weekends gig, band kicked it though, but...I wasn't allowed to play with the sound as much due to another fukin digital desk. I wish they'd stop installing these fukin things at festivals ( in fact I wish they just bloody stop making them! ) You really, really can't screw with the sound like you can on an analogue desk. I use this technique where you kinda feed delays ( repeating echoes ) back into themselves to get a self modulating huge endless echo, but doing this on a digital desk and you just get bollocks horrible digital distortion.

Rubbish!!

We were all a bit fucked from the night before but we still rocked it.

Got blasted back at some student digs after the gig. Completely trashed the kitchen and I seem to remember about ten of us doing the Hokey Cokey ( no shit ) at around 5am?

Got a bit more sleep, then it was back on the bus for gig three.

V festival two: Chelmsford, Strongbow cider house.

Another superb gig and a much better spec'd sound system then the previous day, plus no digital bloody desk to contend with. The band were extremely tight as well.

Funny...Half way through the gig this guy comes over and he's like: " Mate your gonna have to turn it down a bit, Pete Doherty can't hear himself properly on the main stage?!"

Me and the in-house sound engineer looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and in complete unison announced: " Fuck Pete Doherty!!" and then just burst into fits off laughter.

The main stage guy stumbled off, tail between his legs.

Did it get turned down? Did it fuck!

Sorry and that Pete but...our band's actually good mate!

Bit silly putting the two stages right next to each other??

I mean look, they've gotta be only like, fifty meters apart? Stoopid idea!

Great gig though.

To be honest though, I'm not a great fan of the V festivals, I just find them a bit too commercial and they're really anal about the fukin security as well? It's the little things like your weekend VIP wristbands that won't actually get you into any of the fukin VIP bits coz they're the wrong bloody colour??? We had to get one of the organisers to come down to meet us and basically walk us past the security. I mean what's that about?

Really V people, get your shit together?

Anyway, I made it back in one piece so all good.

Feel a bit fucked though!

OK, enough of this, I'm off food shopping.

Laters

Painting by bumblers!

2007-08-16T17:42:00.000+01:00

Sooo, I was up until 6am this morning painting the venue bar. Didn't manage to talk my way out of it after all?

Turned out to be a not bad evening really. We had free drinks and pizza all night and there were quite a few of us so we just painted leisurely and mucked about a lot.

It was nice being able to smoke in the bar as we worked as well (don't start or I'll flame)

Highly Illegal ( I mean really ) but... who gives a fuck!

Typical me though, free bar and I decided to drive into Central fukin London in the car??

Took me about a third of the time to get home though!

FYI: I wasn't actually serious about the nitrous oxide car mod on my last post, no really, I wasn't. I really can think of much easier ways of blowing an engine block thanks!

Anyway... I've been running about all day trying to get everything sorted before the weekend of madness starts. I said before but, three festival this weekend over a three day period so I believe I'll be non corpus mentous till around Tues??

And probably not even then.

Expect I'll post Tues with ( hopefully ) a load of pics to boot.

Right, I'm finished for the day sooo... Pub!

Unquestionably the greatest rock band that ever graced the planet ( Don't argue now, you know I'm right!)

This made me laugh ( Taken from Freecycle yesterday, as it appeared )

"WANTED;; anyone out there in cyberspace got an old guitar they dont use,have arthritis in fingers and doc told me to excercise them tried friends saxaphone but neighbours nearly served me an asbo, if anyone could help would b very grateful,so would neibours i imagine. many thanks chris"

lol!!

Pub!

Laters

Speed painting

2007-08-13T23:31:00.000+01:00

So I finally finished all the artwork and got all the tunes together for the Label compilation. It's all been sent off to be manufactured ( it seems to have taken forever )

This Weekend is a biggie with 2 V festivals and a Beautiful days festival to do all in two days ( expect we'll come back a little worse for wear ) I've also volunteered ( stupidly) to do an all night painting party at the club bar on Wed night; bad for two reasons.

I have a lot of shit to do Thurs and..
I fukin hate painting with a vengeance ( something to do with being forced to do it as a child??)

Sooo, I'm gonna desperately try and talk my way out of it tomorrow.

I haven't seen newspaper gwirly for a few days now. I just ain't had the time and, to be honest, I've been enjoying the new motor far too much to be anything other then a narcissistic speed freak adrenalin junkie ( typical bloke eh!)

I donno: Bloke + Pocket rocket= Woohoo... let's go!!

I'm already looking at nitrous oxide kits ( cheaper than cocaine eh! ) .

Oh dear!!!

Probably a good way to go eh?

Late night drives to the country in search of the ultimate in long & windy roads = Bliss!

Oh did I mention I used to race motorbikes??

Took a drive out to Richmond park today ( for the above reasons )

Very pretty

Have vision of returning with car + girl + wicker picnic hamper.

Don't worry I'll drive safely with girl in tow. ( wouldn't want to mess up the sandwiches now would we? )

Anyway

I'm addicted to House MD, he just kinda reminds me of me in a lot of ways??

Homeless American's study.

Online etch-a-sketch??

I fukin love this, reminds me of being 18 again ( and why I was first turned on by music creation) . Glitches a bit, but saves you shelling out £900 for the real deal.

Laters

See ya Tony.

2007-08-11T12:40:00.001+01:00

Sooo, See ya Tony. What can you say about this man eh? founder of the Hacienda Manchester and Factory records, he broke some of the most innovative music that came out of the eighties, back when pop was pop and not some homogenised piece of shit that needs to be sold with a video that looks like a porn film. The music he released on his label was grim, edgy, moody, innovative, refreshing but above all... fukin exciting!!

MAdchester!!

The world badly needs an injection of Tony Wilson's.

Nuff said!!

My words ain't good enough mate.

RIP

laters

Mean green Congestion machine??

2007-08-09T13:12:00.000+01:00

Sooo: My mate T was loads better last night. Went to see him in the new motor. All good.

Anyway coz I ain't had a car for a few years:

Two things that have changed on London roads that piss me right off!

Speed cameras ( fukin everywhere) And I mean fukin everywhere, it's like, totally ridiculous. Err stealth tax alert!! They're revenue generators and have bollocks all to do with road safety, it completely obvious coz of the way they're hidden ( behind trees, at the back end of blind corners etc. etc. etc. ) It's funny to watch the traffic kinda concertinaing down the road to avoid getting flashed, that's gotta be good for road safety eh??
That fukin congestion charge ( In West London) What the fuck is that about?? The traffic through Notting Hill, Ladbroke Grove etc. was never that bad, at least not compared to East London where it's totally ridiculous. I got zapped by it and had to pay £8. I was in the zone for 30 bloody meters between the Sainsbury's at the top of Ladbroke Grove and the next roundabout down, no warning, no signs, no nothing?? I didn't even know about it till I was over the fukin red circle telling me I was in the Zone? "OK," I thought, now I'm having to pay for it, I might as well have a drive around to have a look, and I'm not being funny but The Grove, Notting hill and Portobello areas are like a ghost town. It must be killing the local business stone dead. And all for what: So Ken Livingstone can make a bit of extra fukin cash?? That bloke needs to go.. badly!! I can see him in his little office thinking: " Yeah OK, West Londoners all have a bit of money. Let's go after them!" Twat!! I mean it's all good pretending to be green and shit but I've got news for you Ken, London is a city, it needs road transport etc. to feed it's bloodlines. How the bloody hell you gonna transport goods to your shop on the fukin tube you doughnut??

So yeah, London roads have changed for the worst. We really are getting stealth taxed to fuck in this country, it's ridiculous.

Rant over.

Apart from that, I'm really enjoying flying about, expanding my carbon footprint and spewing CO2 everywhere. If I can't smoke down the pub, I might as well fuck the world up some other way.

Yey me!!

Note ( before you all start) : I don't believe at all the carbon footprint, greener than green bollocks we're being fed by the powers that be for one minute. It's rubbish! Note the: " We're greener than you so stop nicking our oil or well be over there in a shot!" Propaganda we're starting to be fed, mark my words, this will escalate as the oil runs out. Good job I/we won't be around to see it eh!

Right... I'm going to work!

Laters

Went to hospital...came back with a new motor?

2007-08-08T18:19:00.000+01:00

Soo, I went to hospital to visit my mate T yesterday, seemingly he's gonna be OK. Malaria can be removed permanently from the blood nowadays with a bit of TLC so he won't have it for life. The doctor said he was lucky to have lived though as he's seen seven people die this year of this particular strain of Malaria in that one hospital alone.

A lot of people come from Heathrow airport straight to the hospital and then just basically snuff it after a couple more days.

Bit disconcerting when you've got a bunch of students from University College London Centre for tropical diseases huddled around you trying to work out why you're not actually dead??

Oh well, guess he's a trooper?

I think it's more to do with the fact that his new girl picked up on it straight away, she actually made the A&E doctor test for Malaria by screaming at him till he did, seemingly she just wouldn't let up. Guess it saved his life? Good girl, I like you already.

His new African wife is also completely stunning, he's done well there. I didn't know this but he met her a year ago in Africa and has been planning to go over and bring her back ever since. He didn't say anything to me as he knows I would have just called him bloody stupid, but there again, I hadn't seen her and I didn't know her. Sooo anyway, off he trots to Kenya to basically pay the family two goatskins, two copper earrings, a container for milk, a sheep and a spot of ready cash to get his girl and bring her back to England!

He's telling me all this yesterday and I'm just cracking up. The marriage ( obviously ) isn't recognised in the UK though.

Also T bought a new car and sold his second house before he went away, he made a shit load of cash from the sale and he's basically just given me his old car. He's like, " Yeah mate, just take it, but make sure you pick me up from hospital when I'm done!" He then tossed me the keys and I went to his house, picked it up and drove it home last night..

All good.

Nice motor actually, it's a Vauxhall Calibra 2.0 16v, it's kinda metallic blue with tinted windows, plus it goes like shit off a stick... All good.

Pretty little thing innit.

Wasn't really in the market for a car, but.. I ain't complaining. I've been kinda avoiding cars for a few years now, can't work out exactly why, something to do with the fact that I just hate traffic wardens. I once went for one in Ladbroke Grove after I"d explained that I was going upstairs to my flat for 2 secs to get my wallet and when I returned to the car the fucker had clamped it??? I must have been gone 2 mins top... Bastards!!!

Anyway, I went for the shopping in the new motor this morning and I'd kinda forgotten how nice and easy it made it all.

I feel liberated already,

OK, I'm off out for a run about in the warm weather.

Underwater, that's it, just underwater?

Hmmm!

Laters

Oh dear!

2007-08-07T15:47:00.000+01:00

Sooo: My mate T who I've know for years and is completely loop soup ( gawd love him) has just come back from a two month trip around Africa where he just happens to have picked up a wife ( don't ask, something about a fit arse and a tribal wedding??) But.. also a nasty case of Malaria which very nearly killed him last night, and if it hadn't been for his new wifes pin sharp diagnostic ( I guess you see a lot of Malaria in Africa ) it would have killed him, which would have absolutely devastated me.. Seemingly the ambulance crew had no idea what was wrong and it was only her persistent screaming at them which saved his life. Not good!

Well done that wife ( whoever the fuck you are!)

The doctors say that he should be OK though?

Hope so :0(

OK, so I'm off to Hammersmith hospital to visit him...

Laters

Mods and sods!!

2007-08-06T12:46:00.000+01:00

Sooo, the band did a gig last night for Clash magazine with all the trendy Wendy's out in Hoxton, the East end.

Mad old venue it was too:

OK gig I suppose apart from the fact that: 1. I had to set the rig up by myself coz it was a dry hire

2. People in Hoxton think they're too bloody cool for their own good i.e. nobody gets into the gigs, they all just stand around like they're Gods gift to Andy bloody Warhol??

3. The bar manager kept coming over and telling me to turn it down... Again???

I'm getting sick to death of the fukin noise police, I've said it before but... who the fuck wants to go to a gig and listen to background fukin music. This country [England] is becoming such a nation of wet, cry babies that I'm actually starting to feel ashamed!!

Don't do this, you can't do that etc. etc. etc.

What the fuck is that about eh??

Seemingly there was a music festival in Bricklane as well yesterday and I overheard a couple of Canadians complaining ( at the tube station ) that although it was good, it was just too quiet??

Fukin noise Police!

Go the fuck away!!!

I digress

Anyway, yeah... good gig.

Got a free Baracuta G9 Jacket too. The band gets goodies all the time but...the poor little sound engineer always gets left out; so I was kinda chuffed about that.

Thanks lads!!

Check out the mods that came to the gig... Cool as!

It's all gone a bit Quadrophenia mate!

Beautiful weather we had all weekend as well.

Her what is Beautiful was in Liverpool all weekend so I ain't seen her, but I'm sure well catch up soon... Bless!

Sooo: I'm off around my mate J's ( call girl and soon to be madam ) in a min, she's setting up a escort agency and she wants me to help her with the website. Should be fun I guess.

She's like: " Yeah come round, you know how to do all that shit and I got some weed and some wine and a gram of charlie !!"

For fuck's sake, it's like, Monday bloody Morning luv???

Anyway... I'm out the door.

Sorry for the lack of postings lately, but I'm a little busy this summer..

It's tobacco... Tuff!!

It's a crazy ole world.

Laters

Sardine Breakfast!

2007-07-30T12:46:00.000+01:00

Sooo: I spent Sat night with mini Cleopatra. We went to a boozer in Notting Hill, got drunk, then went back to hers and rolled around all night. I'm not gonna lie to this girl about how I feel, it eventually goes tits up if you do and believe me I've tried keeping up with rich girls in my time and it doesn't work if you pretend. I mean this girl has flats in London, Liverpool and New York?? So I voiced my concerns and she said she didn't care coz she needs someone to bring her back down to earth a little.

All good.

She cooked me breakfast consisting of French sardines on toast with tobasco sauce?? I didn't query, I just ate...

Not bad actually, kinda shocks the system into waking up.

We sat and chatted all day ( well actually we ranted on about the state of modern pop music ) then she went off to some party in Soho house. I didn't go, it sounded all a bit too celeb for my tastes and I wasn't really dressed for it, plus I'm not really a fan of Soho House, it's all a bit "Oooo Look at me!!" innit!

So yeah, I'll just see what happens eh? She's texting me as I write. Good girl.

Oh well, onwards and upwards I guess.

I'm finishing up a few loose ends this morning, and then I'm gonna chill all afternoon.

I've also tidied my flat after the embarrassment of mini Cleopatra turning up out of the blue and now it's soo clean it's just not funny. Doesn't half make you feel better waking up in a tidy flat.

And that's that really.

It's a wonderful internet!

There's a few people I can think of that would benefit from this as a present.

Misplaced adds

Laters

Mini Cleopatra

2007-07-28T13:53:00.000+01:00

Sooo; I finally had my date with Sunday paper art director girl last night. I missed seeing her a couple of weeks ago coz I was stuck in Guilford after the festival.

Anyway... we hooked up on Tues, had a couple of drinks and went back to her ( slightly fuck off ) pad in Notting Hill, knocked back a few bottles of wine, a couple of grams of pretty shit coke which, by the way, was supplied by Kate Mosses dealer and I'm thinking: " If this is what Kate Moss is putting up her nose every day... She ain't even doing drugs??"and went to bed and rolled around a little ( actually...a lot!)

I kinda like this girl, she's classy, she's artsey, she's creative but... I just think that she may be a little out of my league. I just don't earn anything like what she does? But...we'll see. She actually turned up on my doorstep Thurday night, bottle in hand, which kinda wasn't really a good idea as my flat is a fukin tip as I've been touring sooo bloody much that everything has just been dumped everywhere??

She stayed the night, in the filth??

Ooops.

I told her I thought I was a bit out of my depth with her, but she still keeps on texting me?

So there you go, my very own mini Cleopatra. What to do!

What else, oh yeah, I returned to the club last night after spending about a month away ( I had a mate of mine D fill in for me ) We've decided to open the club an extra hour over the summer as we've acquired the extra license to. The extra hour fukin dragged on and on though and I felt myself falling asleep at the end, but, it did make for less chaos and binge drinking.

The punters just seemed to peter out towards the end instead of the "Trying to cram as much alcohol down one's neck as is humanly possible: That you usually get? Sooo maybe it's a good thing. The smoking ban thing though??? Talk about trying to manage half a club inside and half the club outside? Pain in the fukin arse really. We have to employ about 5 extra security just to police the street outside and that cost money, an extra £800 to be exact which is kind of a lot on top of an already around £2000 bill! Jeez louise...

I'm not working till Monday/Tuesday now, so I'm thinking that maybe it's time to clean the flat, or go to the pub, or both.

Hmmm

Neave.tv superb stuff

Strange sea beasties.

Mad!

Laters

From Russia with Lovesky ( Part 2 )

2007-07-23T18:09:00.001+01:00

Click on any pic to make em larger ( you know it's worth the effort)

Sooo; St Petersburg was pretty damn spectacular, a load nicer than grim old Moscow. Beautiful scenery, uber Beautiful women, good food , good gig. All good really.

The band arrived on Friday afternoon and after checking into the hotel we were all whisked off to a party by a lake organised by the British council on Friday night.

Far too much free booze was consumed and I kinda ended up back at the hotel absolutely fukin plastered. Managed to knock a toilet door of its hinges seemingly, don't remember much about it though? Ooops never mind....guilty as charge!

Woke up the next morning with a bangin' headache and managed to miss a trip to the Hermitage which I'm a little pissed off with myself about coz I would have loved to have seen some of the Picasso's.

Anyway, we arrived at the gig around 3ish in a spectacular venue on a beach on the banks of the Neva river next to a walled fortress.

I mean, you really can't go wrong with scenery like that. Beautiful summers day it was as well, had a spot of dinner in the mini Pacha club which sits alongside the main stage and we all chilled out for a couple of hours drifting between the club and the main stage to take in a couple of the other bands.

The band went on stage at around 8 in the evening and, to be honest, did one of the best gigs I've seen them do all year. The main stage sound system would have done a main stage three times the size, it just sounded sooo fat that it just wasn't fukin funny. If you look at the next pic (Taken from on stage when one of the other bands were playing) you can pick out the buildings on the opposite side of the river, and the sound system had sooo much throw on it that I was actually getting the vocals to bounce off the buildings and back to the stage giving this unbelievable kinda 3D surround sound thing going on.

Absolutely fukin magic!! I couldn't have wished for better acoustics.

Fukin lovely!

The crowd loved it as well, we got some great reviews the next day, unlike Lilly Allen who was sooo pissed she couldn't actually get her words out??

Ooops... Well done Lilly; guess that'll teach you to drink voddy straight from the bottle?

Tell you what though she's a fukin real cutie in the flesh. Much better looking than her press shots and just a lovely girl to chat to as well.

Pisshead though.

I should know!

Sooo, it was all back to Pacha to get right royally drunk for the night and then back to the hotel for a few more drinks and then bed.

Sent us all off with a firework display as well... Very kind!

All good.

Woke the next day, went to Mcdonaldsky's then back to the airport for the trip home.

I tell you what though, fukin airports are becoming absolutely nightmare places to visit nowadays. I mean, surely an airplane is just a bus with wings right? So what the fuck is up with all this fukin waiting and queuing and more bloody waiting, and more bloody queuing, it's sooo fukin frustrating.

We got back to Heathrow and ( even thought the plane was sat right next to the gate) we had to wait 3/4 of an hour for a bus and some steps before we could get off the damn thing????

You'd have thought they would've rang ahead?

This is all at a gate with one of those bendy things that comes out and joins to the plane so you can disembark as well??

But oh no! We have to wait for bleedin steps???

Before you ask, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the bendy gate thing either?

I wouldn't be at all suprised if that had something to do with all the political shit that's going on at the moment between Russia and England.

Keep em all waiting, that'll piss em off!

Absolute fukin madness!!

I arrived in a good mood and left the airport in a foul mood...What the fuck is that about eh?

I guess I've arrived back to a completely flooded England. My gaff's OK though ( Thank gawd)

From sun to shit in three hours?

Oh dear!

Fantastic weekend all around methinks, no drama's ( as such ) beautiful place, superb gig and a fine time was had by all.

All good.

I'm off to cook some food then...

Laters

Gigs, mini choppers and beach huts.

2007-07-19T13:06:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Fuck me, I'm not actually sure where to start on this one, would it be the trumpet player T falling asleep at some random airport in the middle of nowhere, missing his flight and having to be extracted at a later time, or the guitarist getting locked up in the drunk tank for the night, or the tour manager getting fired, or the two days spent by the beach recuperating with my mate C after the gigs ?

Needless to say, I only returned from the weekends gigs last night and have a day off before flying to Russia in the morning!

Anyway, I arrived at Lounge on the Farm last Thursday and basically hung out till the band turned up on Sat evening, it was good to catch up with a few old mates, have a chat, get stoned etc. Bumped into Sweedy gwirl but, to be honest, we didn't have a lot to say to each other, never mind eh! I may have upset her later by the presence of my mate C, but... she's just a mate so I didn't see any harm in inviting her?

Sooo, Thurday night:

I was sat in the bar and this guy comes up to me and he's like: " Any idea what this bar's gonna be called?"

Me: " Yeah... Brian mate?"

Him: "Brian?"

Me: " Yeah man...Brian!!"

Him: " Err ok!!"

Obviously I was taking the piss, obviously he didn't cotton on, obviously I had no idea that this guy was the sign writer for the bar... Ooops!

Soooo...it came to pass from that day forward the bar was to be known as... A Bar Called Brian?

I didn't know he was the fukin sign writer did I !!

Friday night was spent hanging out watching bands by the sound desk and generally getting pissed. It got to around 1am and I'm like, sat bored, no beer, by myself when along comes Sweedy gwirl and dumps a 24 pack in my lap. Good girl, top skills.

I hung around for a little bit longer, got drunk, then pulled out the sleeping bag and wiped out.

Sat morning woke up, had breakfast, watched more bands and just hung out some more. My mate C turned early afternoon and we got sooo pissed it just wasn't funny. We trudged around the farm, playing silly buggers and generally just having a laugh. At one point I even bought her a new dress I think?

Sat night, sobered up a little and then did a corking gig with the band, we sat around till like four in the morning getting more pissed and fell asleep in the VIP tent with C, we had hotel rooms but we were far too pissed to start driving about at that point.

We got woken by the girls running the VIP tent at like fukin 9 in the morning ( and they nicked my bottle of bloody vodka??) I hate being woken up too early and it left me in a foul mood, so me and C got in the car and just buggered off to Guilfest for gig number two ahead of the tour bus.

We arrived at Guilfest at 2pm after a pub lunch, met up with the band again, had a bit more food and a lot more booze and discover that JR ( the guitarist ) had been arrested the night before and thrown in the drunk tank?? Something to do with a hotel bar lock-in, a Karaoke machine and a moody hotel guest. I won't go into it in too much detail here, but needless to say he had to be sprung loose by his girlfriend the next morning ( who, luckily for him, has friends in the CID)

Sooo... we're three songs into the gig and JR appears from the back of the stage, plugs up his guitar and joins in, only to be blasted by an on stage smoke machine which in turn makes him throw up on stage!

B ( the lead singer ) announces that we're sorry the guitarist has just arrived...but we had to break him out of Jail this morning... Ooops!

The crowd fukin loved it!!

Guilfest had a beautiful FOH desk and sound system only to be spoiled by this Environmental health dickhead with his Sound level meter and his stupid 90db sound limit, who kept telling me to turn it down every two fukin minutes??

He's like ( pushing his stupid meter in my face) : " Turn the bass down please"

Me: " I can't even hear it mate?"

Him: " It still needs to be turned down"

Me: " Do you wanna mix the band then??"

Him: " No?"

Me: " Well fuck off then, I don't come into your house at 11:45pm and remove the can of beer your drinking do I?"

Him: " Errr no??"

Me: " Well don't come into mine telling me what I can and can't fukin do mate eh, go on, fuck off...let's go!!"

Note to Environmental health dickheads and their stupid sound limits: You don't go to festivals to listen to quiet music you fukin idiots?? I wouldn't care if it was a decent level (say 105db) but 90db is a fukin shit limit to impose ( it's about as loud as your vacuum cleaner gets ??) Fukin rules, fukin regulations, fukin sick of them, fukin 'A' !!!

Can you tell that I'm a bit anti-authoritarian?

I could have got some magnificent pictures from the FOH tower but... the battery ran out in my camera yet again.? ( remind me to take a bloody spare in Russia!!)

Anyway the gig was a stormer, so all good.

Me and C got soo pissed in the afternoon that I really can't remember the rest of the day although I can remember trying to find the car at 2am in the middle of a field whilst throwing stones and shouting at the police mini drone helicopter that had followed me across the field.

" Go on, fuck off with your surveillance and your mini chopper and your smoking ban and your 90db sound limit and and and....!!!" ( falls over in mud )

I was only left alone when the key fob triggered the car locks and the car lit up like a Christmas tree signifying that I wasn't actually trying to steal a fukin car? I pulled out my sleeping bag and kipped on the back seat. Gawd knows were C had got to ?

I was awoken the next morning by C who turned up in another car with another mate R who I had no idea was at the festival and who C had no idea was friends with me? Small world eh.

We spent the rest of the day ( Monday ) in Guilford with a load of R's mates at the pub and then went back to this guys house, smoked spliff, drank Cider and eventually wiped out.

Nice day!

Jeez this is a long post.

I spent the next couple of days in Hastings, by the Sea with C. C has a good old English beach hut, so we spent Wed ( Tues was spent in bed ) by the sea drinking wine, eating Greek food ( Humous olives pitta etc. ) and enjoying the sun.

A very British day out, lurved it. Bit sunburned though.

Got the last train back to London last night, and here I am again, writing it all up. Today I'm relaxing and tomorrow it all starts again in Russia ( St Petersburg )

Turning into a good year methinks...

Not sure how or why the tour manager got sacked, but I'm sure I'll find out all the goss tomorrow?

Hmm!!

Laters.

My Chemical un-romance?

2007-07-11T20:05:00.000+01:00

Soo, I'm off to Canterbury for the weekend so I won't be around for a couple off days. Should be a good weekend, my mate C (girl) is coming down to see me Sat and I ain't seen her for a year or so, sooo that should be a lot of fun, good laugh is C.

Yep I'm in Canterbury for a few days, then I'm off to Guilfest for another gig Sunday, then back to London Sunday night and then I have a date on Monday with (J) the art director of a well known Sunday paper. Won't mention which paper, coz I don't really want to implicate her on this blog. we shagged a month or so ago and I just thought "Well that was nice, can't see me seeing her again though probably due to the fact that she earns about ten times what I do?"

But... she kept texting me??

So now we have a second date. I actually wouldn't mind having a creative girlin my life (who's actually shit hot at being creative) as opposed to the huge amount off blaggers you get in London.

Prime example: some girl stood by the mixing desk, at a gig, at the club the other day: " I'm a sound engineer as well you know!" She says.

"Oh really!" I reply: " You think the guitars are sounding a bit harsh, do you reckon I should cut a bit of 2k out mate?"

Her (blank faced expression) : " Errr what, what you on about?"

Yeah right your a sound engineer love, everybody's a sound engineer, just like everybody's a fukin DJ???

What can you do?

I digress.

So yeah, hot date on Monday night. Hope I'm not too fucked from the weekend?

Listening to: The Chemical brothers " We are the Shite ( Sorry night) " Highly anticipated... badly let down to be honest. I wish every fucker in the music would take off the Rose tinted spectacles and realise that: On the grand scheme of dance music production things, this is actually a bit shit. I mean the " Salmon dance track" is actually a fukin embarrassing take on old skool hip hop. Couple of half decent tracks but, in general...it's toss. Nuff said!

"But it went straight to number one? " You say. Yes, but everybody bought it without hearing the damn thing coz "It's the Chemicals innit!!"

Funny: all the "Music industry" reviews for this album are fantastic. Yet...all the blog and third party reviews are totally toss. Go figure!

Anyway

Kitten techno... Yeah man!!

Mad as...

Mister tweak-a-thon... Oh dear???

Enough already.

See ya soon.

Laters

Sunday paper Russians

2007-07-10T14:42:00.000+01:00

Sooo: What's happening? Well just chilling between gigs to be honest. I have a long weekend which was supposed to be three festivals, but one has been canceled due to the land being waterlogged so I think that I'm gonna go early to the first festival in Canterbury on Thurs night and hang out with my good mate S for a few days till the band arrive on Sat. This is where I met Sweedy gwirl last year, and I guess she'll be working the bar again this year, so that should be an interesting meet?

Talking of girls, Sun, I just kinda wanted to be on my own, so I went to this pub I've never visited before and sat in the beer garden, reading the Sunday papers and just basically just chilling out when two girl and guy sat next to me at the opposite table. I took no notice of them till one of the girls pipped up in a heavy Russian accent: " Why you sit by yourself, you come sit with us?" The bloke sat with them says: " She's single you know!" And she says: " Yeah come sit, you can be my new boyfriend?"

Very odd??

Soooo, never one to pass up a challenge, I went and sat down with them. Turns out the girls were from St. Petersburg, which just so happens to be where I'm going with the band in a couple of weeks.

This girl (Lena) says to me: " You put me in suitcase, I definitely fuck you!!"

Me: " I'd love to, but I don't think that's gonna be possible dear."

She then went on to tell me that her ex boyfriend never gave her enough orgasms.

Which is nice!

As I said before I'm: " Never one to pass up a challenge!"

Interesting little girl that one, lovely body, even if a little forward.

We ended up having a little touchy-feely at the end of the night.

I have Lena's number so I'm sure she'll be getting a call.

Amazing what you find on a Sunday when your not looking.

Ok; I totally can't be bothered to do anything today, but I do need to go and buy some food, so I guess I'll have to haul myself out the door and to the supermarket.

Bugger, do I really have to?

Oh well.

100 days that changed music

Hey don't make adds like these anymore

Oh dear!

The Bible... as told in Lego??

Laters

Observations from Wales

2007-07-07T14:35:00.000+01:00

Observations from Wales following a Welsh gig last night.

Welsh people are mad.
The Smoking ban and being with a band all night ( who can no longer smoke on stage, in the dressing room etc .etc. etc ) is a recipe for a fukin nightmare.
Working within a smoking prohibited venue fucking sucks!!! I mean, a backstage smoke free dressing room? Where's the rock n roll in that. If I wanted to have a clean living, healthy lifestyle, I wouldn't be involved with fukin music would I??? We all just sat there twiddling our fukin thumbs!
Welsh people are mad.
Don't park your tour bus in a non tour bus parking area, coz it will get clamped and you will have to pay £200 to get it released.
Welsh girls are fit...but mad!!
Don't arm wrestle your mate on a bands flightcases as they're trying to unload them from a venue at 3am, then get pissed off when you get kicked out the way. Sorry...you wanna arm wrestle your pissed mate, we wanna go home!! You won't win!!
Just coz you're pissed off the bands lead singer ain't turned up, has had to be replaced last minute, and your an old fan, it still doesn't give you the right to start smashing up the side of the tour bus with a spanner/wrench/chain/hammer/whateverthefuckitwass??? Special note to this bloke: If the rest of the crew had been outside and not just the tour manager, you would have soooo woken up in hospital this morning mate... Fact!!
Welsh people are truly mad.
Don't sit in the rearward facing seat on a tour bus in front of a table full of beer, spirits etc! This is especially true if the tour bus brakes are applied liberally in a " Oh shit we've missed the turn off!!" kind of way. ( I got fukin drenched!!)
Don't ever mistake a line of coke, for a line of cat piss strong, heavy duty base speed. You won't sleep much!
Try to always do gigs where the in-house engineer is soooo bad, that when your band goes on stage they sound absolutely fukin amazing ( I like this one)
If you must do a few tunes with the band following an Ableton live backing track, don't hit the warp button, cos the track wiiiillllll plaaaaaaayyy reaaaaalllyyyy fukiiiiinnnnn sloooooowwwwwlllyyy and the band will loooook like theeeey're plaaaying in slooooooow moooootioooonn!!! Funny as fuck to watch though, none of them [the band] could work out what the fuck was going on. I'm sure they all thought they'd been spiked with acid, I mean at one point I thought I had, coz I couldn't work it out either? These things are sent to test us I guess.
Welsh people are mad ( as fish!)

Bit of a mad little gig that one, awesome (did I really just use that word) Logic line array sound system, we totally rocked it as well.

Quote of the night ( Tour manager and driver ) : " I'm not a fucking taxi service you know!!"

Err yes, yes you are???

I sooo could've stayed up there instead of traveling back last night (one of the band actually did) There were girls hitting on us left, right and centre.

Got home at around 6am, now I'm up again, have a few hours to kill and I'm going back to work ( at the club ) at around 7pm.

No rest for the wicked eh?

Talking of gigs, the Worlds most hypocritical set of gigs have just kicked off. Any musician who claims to be environmentally friendly is talking so much shit you can virtually smell it.

I've said it before but... Carting tour buses and huge lighting/sound rigs around the world and then burning enough petrol/diesel to power the kind of generators needed to make that stuff work ain't in the least bit green. The average sized festival stage generator produces enough power to light up a small village and the some?

Note to Sting, Coldplay, Radiohead, Madonna, Paul McCartney etc etc. etc: How many fukin bits of plastic have you sold in your green fukin careers? Considering you're just Solo Artists/Groups of blokes from Cambridge etc. You lot generate more waste in a year than your average household would produce in like, 1000 lifetimes.

Live Earth= Money generating bollocks!

Hmmm!

Yes... How can it fly??

lol!!

Mad stop motion shit.

Laters

Edit my gum!

2007-07-05T23:51:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Totally haven't had the time to post this week, what with this, that and the other.

Off to Wales Fri for a gig with the band and then back Sat for the club. Sunday I'm gonna chill out as I feel that all I've done all week is run around and I'm a little tired.

Smoking ban's working out well, I've noticed that the smoking population of London are spilling out onto the streets while the half a dozen or so non smokers occupy the comfy seats in the pubs???

I never realised just how many people actually smoke. One of my locals has a heated tent outside, and this place has been absolutely mobbed (with smokers) since the ban.

I can't believe we actually sat back and let the government fuck us up the arse over this issue.

It's pretty obvious to me, that after a week of seeing what I'm seeing, the majority of pub goers are actually smokers, I guess It goes hand in hand (not any more?)

They [the government] are bang out of order. We need some fukin riots I'm thinking!

Ho Hum!!

Brilliantly told academic view of the Inner workings of an American crack selling gang!

Wiki edit wars. This shit to me is really interesting, only for the fact that I had a huge Wiki editing war a couple of years ago about the history of a certain 90's Rave artist. I originally found the article on Wikipedia and, after noticing a few mistakes, corrected them only to have them uncorrected by the author. I then re-corrected them, only to have them fukin uncorrected again? This went on for a couple of days and I eventually tore the article down out of disgust .

"You could easily have had your information wrong?" You say!

Well that could have been the case; but for the fact that the certain 90's rave artist in question was actually...me!!

Lol!!!

Fukin idiot author.

Hmmm!!

Free house...Errr OK!!!

2007-07-02T18:17:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Talk about landing on your fukin feet. My landlady is selling the house we live in coz she wants to move back to Ireland, but ( and it's a huge but ) she still wants to have a base in London so she can visit once or twice a year and... she wants me to find it and look after it for her.

"So what?" You say. Well, my landlady's a bit of an old mad eccentric, she never opens her mail and she avoids issues like the plague ( her flat is a fukin tip ) . This is finally starting to land her in a lot of financial shit, thus the move back to Ireland; It's a kinda running away and dumping dept thing, which ain't really that hard to do if you can skip countries.

But...if she buys a new house in her name she can then be tracked and caught. Sooo ( and this is the good bit ) She wants to put her new house in my name????

Totally fukin mad idea, but...!

I (obviously) have absolutely no fukin problem with this¿

At all!!

She's old, she has no family and she kinda considers me as her surrogate son. I've looked after her for a good few years now and I've always been there when she's needed a shoulder to cry on and besides, my parents are both long gone so it's kinda nice to have somebody you can call family.

And...No I'm not fukin sleeping with her!

Anyway, she'll sell the house we live in ( Which is worth about 1.5 million ) split the money, buy one house in Ireland, then leave me to spend £400,000 on another in London!

I've actually known about this for a couple of months now, but she's sooo bloody eccentric that I took not one blind bit of notice. Until, that is, this morning when a couple of property developers turned up to view the house.

Fuck me; I've gotta feeling this is actually gonna happen?? Which begs the question, " When she pops her clogs and the house is in my name, then surely it'll be my house?" I'll get some advice, but I think that plain and simply, it'll be the case

Lippy-lipsticklawyer If your reading, now would be a good time to speak up dear!

Soo what happens next is anyones guess. If she does sell and I'm left to buy, I'm going straight to the property auctions for a bargain.

Mad how even with £400,000 to play with in London you still have to look for bargains???

So yeah, well see.

I ain't gonna get excited yet tho, counting chickens an' all that.

Hmmm!

I went to a garden party that one of the locals from the pub was throwing yesterday. It was a kind of " If we can't smoke in the pub, then well damn well smoke at fukin home!!" party. About 50 of us chipped in money, hired a cocktail barman and then got thoroughly slaughtered on exotic cocktails. It was actually a load of fun and now we're thinking about doing it a couple of times a month at various locations.

Fuck the ban, fuck the government, you can't stop us, we're bloody English you know !

The pub remained empty all afternoon seemingly.

I can't see Tom the landlord being too impressed though.

An iconic story!

Computer programmer or serial killer?

Fun...but useless!

Laters

End of an era!

2007-06-30T12:13:00.000+01:00

Sooo: This is the last day I can enjoy a fag and a pint down the local pub.

End of a 15 year ritual for me.

Prohibition in 2007??

My life is being controlled by a bunch of fukin do-gooders twats.

Bye bye civil liberties.

Bye bye freedom of choice?

No comments on the the joys of a smoke free environment please, or I will flame the fuck out of you!!

Off down the local fukin health club for a pint then??

Boooo!!!

Laters

Glastonbury [Day four] Just get me the fuck out of here!!

2007-06-30T01:20:00.000+01:00

Sooo: I awoke at 6am to the sound of a torrential downpour going on outside. The tent had finally given in sooo the bottom of my sleeping bag had a puddle in it that was, for once, not caused by myself (only kidding.) ?

Damp, freezing cold, soaking feet, sore back, bad head...not good.

Not good at all.

I just switched off and went back to sleep. Fuck it, there wasn't a lot that I could do.

I kept waking up at regular intervals right through until 10 am, probably due to the onset of trench foot, probably due to the intensity of the rain, probably due to my survival instincts telling me to get the fuck out of there and go and find somewhere warm.

About 9:30 some fucker tripped over one of my tent guy ropes and due to the colourful use of language: " Fuck cunt fuck it fuck cunt!!! " and the splosh and subsequent loud splash , I guess this person fell face down in the mud.

Poor bugger!

The guy rope twang sounded like a bomb had gone off in the tent.

I drifted back to sleep not giving a toss for somebody suffering outside of the tent, I was doing enough of that myself inside the bloody thing.

10 am and I thought: "Enough is enough mate," I re-established the foot to welly thing and went to find a bacon sandwich.

It was pissing down with rain outside and I was faced with a thousand unhappy [wet] faces making their way from the cesspit that Glastonbury had become to the sanctuary of the outside world.

I sat, bacon sandwich and cup of tea in hand, elbows tucked in, hands clasped, knees together, hood up over hat, shivering my fukin arse off on a bench, by myself, feeling very very lonely in the breakfast tent; wishing I had a girl to snuggle into...

No such fukin luck eh!

This guy comes up to me and he's like: "Got any pills mate?" I didn't even reply, I just looked at him in a kinda: " Your fukin mad as a fish geeze now go the fuck away !!" way.

I returned to the tent, pull all the pegs out and spend the next twenty miserable minutes trying to pack the thing away. If I hadn't of borrowed it off my mate V, I would have just left the fukin thing on the spot and walked the fuck away.

At this point, there was no fun anymore...merely tolerance.

Character building moment some would say. Personally I would say " Fukin nightmare!"

So I get the tent put away and go and meet the gang at the bus, chuck my stuff in the back, get in and just sit there; shell shocked.

Thank fuck, I was on my way home.

We drive out of Glastonbury, out of the mud, back to the real world.

I smile.

See ya!!

I'm still shell shocked by the time we reach the service station 60 miles down the road.

The Burger King queue was full of muddy people (in wellies) craving whatever it was they crave, I don't think any of us really knew.

I never thought I'd be sooo happy to see the first signs to London.

I got home at around 7pm, chucked the tent in the garage to dry, made a cup of tea, had a swig of rum, spent about 40mins in a hot shower and went to bed.

Job done!

Glastonbury... Interesting!!

Glad it was all over really if you want the truth.

And that was my Glastonbury in a nutshell.

Hmmm!!

Laters

Technorati tags: Glastonbury Festival 2007 mud wellington boots bands escape and evasion

Glastonbury [ DayThree ] And it came to pass we did a gigeth, and it was a Joyous day for all to behold (Hmmm!)

2007-06-29T04:24:00.000+01:00

I could've taken much better pics apart from the fact my camera refuses to take picture in focus in the dark and the damn thing kept steaming up due to the rain.

What can you do eh?

Sooo: I awoke at around 12am to the sound of various bands starting to sound check. I felt pretty OK to be honest considering the previous nights total madness.

I get me wellies on ( again) and strolled out for some breakfast. Hog roast, not sure if that's good first thing in the morning; but it did the trick.

I go and watch a couple of bands play ( can't remember who really ) and then kinda just potter around for a bit before going to meet JB ( the bassist/band producer ) at Chai Wallers again. They'd just won an award for best Green stall 2007 Glastonbury, so we'll done lads, good on you...have a medal!

OK we watched a few bands/beat poets/mad bird singing mad songs, I bought myself a new hat and then it was back down to the Backstage area and a painfully slow rainy day afternoon waiting for our gig slot at around 9pm.

The rest of the band turned up in various states of disarray during the afternoon, ranging from 'Just driven down so completely sober' to ' Been here since last Wednesday can't really string a sentence together, giz a cuddle!!' to ' Just flown in from Poland had no sleep but.. I'm a trooper let me at it!' to ' Fukin ell what the fuck is going on going on going on going on going on!!!'

Hmmm!

A guess at least we all made it to the same place, at the same time?

Sooo , the sound check went without a hitch really apart from the ( seeing it more and more but not fukin liking it one fukin bit ) FOH digital desk...Again????

Where the fuck do these cunts get off thinking they can get away with Digital desks for Touring Engineers coming in to a gig with like 30 mins to sound check??

It sucks, big time.

Digital desks explained ( in layman's terms ) : Right, imagine you've been driving for years, you do it as a job, you have to make urgent medical deliveries ( you deliver hearts to heart transplant patients ) , on time, no fuss, no buts! Sooo you can drive any car or van without a hitch, no problem. Easy peezy. Then one day you get the call to drive an urgent heart for a little girl ( extreme example...but hey!!) who's about to snuff it if you don't get there on time. You arrive at work to do the job and.... Some fukin cunt has parked the Starship fukin enterprize in the car park and chucked you the keys, but... to even open the door, you have to find the right combination ninety button sequence and then press a million other buttons just to get the thing in gear...without the manual? " There you go mate..get on with it!" All the basics are there, but finding them is like learning Alien algebra 10 mins before the exam. This is the Digital Desk Dilema. The DDD. Of course you rise to the challenge cos you have to but... it's not that good really.

It gets easier as you learn the various digital mixing desks, but...then some twat ( who's never mixed a live show in his/her life invents an entirely new model/environment with an entirely new set of features that YOU DON'T FUKIN NEED!!!!

It's not just me either; every live engineer conversation I have with my peers eventually returns to the subject of hatred for the DDD.

I digress...

So the sound check goes fine. We all do our thing and the gig turns out pretty damn good.

Start of gig = Empty tent

End of gig = Full tent. Full of bouncing punters having fun (despite the mud.)

All good, bit of a compressor on the main gig (which I hate) means that the more I turn the band up, the more I lose the vocals. Plus the rig engineer kept messing with the bass end.

But... pretty good gig all round really.

We get off stage and all go for a wander backstage of the Pyramid (main) stage.

This... pissed me off no end ( oh dear, here we go again!)

Here's why: Right... three days of mud, rain, shitty toilets, no fukin showers, river through the middle of my fukin tent etc. etc. etc. Backstage of the Pyramid (main) stage and it's like; No mud, pristine toilets ( with toilet roll and no shit on the roof...I kid you not), matting on the floor, beautiful (working) hot water shower blocks, clean punters (mainly from the BBC) etc. etc. etc???????

I mean like, OK so these are the top bands doing the best gig in the house, but... You gotta remember who's actually paying for this? Yep your average Jo punter who's suffering 100m down the fukin road in the Festival equivalent of an Army training camp for The Mud People of Mudville, Mudland, Mudbury, Summer(mud)set, BA6 Your Having A Fukin Laugh Ain't you.

I wasn't impressed with this at all.

So we went and Watched the Who.

Who were shit! ( See the pun there.. ha ha!!)

Who were... Oh forget it!

Announced as 'One of thee biggest bands of all time?"

I think not!

Me and couple of others went back to the Dance Village Backstage area, had a munch and then I retired to my Five Star, no expense spared, Costa del mud, luxury, pissy wet three man (and a pair of wellies ) tent.

Good day.

Hmmm!!

Day Four ( The escape and evasion ) coming soon.

Laters

Glastonbury[Day Two] E marks the vagueness

2007-06-28T00:04:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Glastonbury Day two.

I awoke to the pitter patter of lovely raindrops lashing down on my tent and after taking about half a minute to come around I thought to myself " Oh fukin bugger it!"

Sooo I donned my already caked in mud wellies and ventured outside of the tent and up to the vile toilet block, looked at the shower and thought " Fuck it, bacon sandwich and a cup of tea time!" Worst cup of tea I've ever drunk I think, bacon sandwich was OK though. By this time the rest of the gang were up so we all went walkies eventually ending up at Chai Wallahs a kinda hippy tea shack thing with live bands playing and also a good friend of J the guitarists and JB the bassists. The rain had stopped, so we all pulled up chairs and smoked spliffs out the back of the stall. Finally for the first time I got to relax.

All good.

Sooo we stayed at Chai Wallahs for a couple of hours and decided to return to the Dance village backstage area were we ate lunch and got kinda pissed till about 2 in the afternoon. The guitarist J got a little more drunk than the rest of us and started playing silly buggers, but hey, what can you do?

We all went to see my mate T from Sugardaddy do his gig, great gig by the way, and an even better pink tracksuit?? Nuff said.

Ok, back to the Backstage area, more booze was drunk. Getting kinda pissed myself at this point.

What next?

Well...

J is a good mate of Howard Marks, so off we trotted to Howard's caravan for a spliff and a chat and, quite frankly, the cleanest line of coke I think I've ever done.

Thanks Howard.... you rule.

All good indeedy.

Howard was introducing one of the bands in Dance tent East, so off we trot (through the mud, agian.) to the stage where I bumped into my mate Lee from the Plump DJ's. Lee's like' " Wanna line of MDMA?" and I'm like: " Yeah why the fuck not!!" We did, and then watched Hybrid from the side of the stage. I saw like twenty minutes and then decided to go for a wonder.

By this time I've lost J and his girlfriend, so I go back to the Backstage area ( through the mud once more ) and sit having a pint by myself feeling a little bored to be honest.

But... no sooner have I sat down when this guy dressed as the king of bling pops his head over and he's like: " ........!!!!" I'm confused? He takes his shades off and it's only my old mate V who I ain't seen for years. " How the fuck are you? " I say. "Wicked!" he says, we launch into this old time nostalgia conversation.

Pic of V and girl ( who dressed me up ) much later on [in the night]:

I'm like: " Where can I score some drugs mate? "

V: " You wanna line mate?"

Me: " Damn right¿ "

We find an abandoned dressing room and V pulls out this huge bag of drugs.

Top.

V's like: " So what you up to tonight?"

Me: " No fukin Idea mate? "

V: " Well I'm going up to Lost vagueness casino, wanna come?'

Me: " Where, eh? Why the fuck not!"

V: " You have to get dressed up and shit!"

Me: " Why the fuck not!"

Sooo, off we trot through the mud ( for miles ) to the Lost Vagueness casino, a kinda festival within the festival.

All good!

We arrive about 1am via an impromptu Madness ( the 80's band ) gig which was fukin unreal and I'm ushered into the Los Vague dressing room where I get stripped and dressed up by this girl ( the one in the pic above )

Kinda sexy...tiz nice.

Off I trot into the casino dressed in a pinstriped suit with pimp style purple shirt and kind of a Moroccan type hat/furry crown thing ( + wellies )

V gives me an MDMA capsule which is soooo strong that within half an hour I don't know where the fuck I am, and...don't really care to be honest.

Many many shenanigans take place, including taking part in the world biggest (most people) snog with this gorgeous girl who was a presenter from the shopping channel (don't ask, no really, don't! )

Lost Vagueness casino was fukin brilliant, I had I madder than mad time.

I was flying with the pigeons, doin my pimp style thang, and generally misbehaving like some mad sex pimperloonie?

Twas a lot of fun.

The glitter ball at one point was like, sooo glittery that I thought I was in outer space.

The scantly clad trapeze artist flying around it didn't help really??

You have no fukin idea!!

I was seeing treble.

And then some.

There were cabaret acts, and pole dancing women, and trapeze artists and people playing roulette and and...

Time of my life.

But all things must eventually end.

Soooo

It gets to like 7 am and the reality of actually getting back to the tent kicks in. I get changed into the clobber I arrived in after flirting with the cloakroom girl for several hours and make my way back ( through the mud ) the several miles to ground zero via a coffee shop thing.

Me: " You got any alchohol mate?"

Coffee bloke: "We only do alchohol in coffee...Irish Style mate."

Me: " Well can I have a treble brandy in a coffee, minus the coffee bit?"

CB: " I guess "

He did.

I drank.

Then

I staggered back to the tent in several different directions.

Got to the tent at around 8:30 and just wiped out.

Big smile on my face.

Good night?

You bet ya it fukin was!!!

Teeheee!

All good

Day three coming up.

Laters

Technorati tags: Glastonbury Festival 2007 mud wellington boots bands Sugerdaddy Madness Hybrid Howard Marks Lost Vagueness Casino Pimp style Fancydress MDMA More Mud

Glastonbury [Day one] and a bit before.

2007-06-26T13:34:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Glastonbury day one was a bit of a nightmare really.

We traveled down on the Friday and I had a huge hangover after getting blitzed the night before by going to pick up a tent and then visiting the dealer, then doing the stupid thing of stopping at the pub ( for a quickie ) on the way back.

Luckily I'd stopped at my mate (you say that) J's and given her all the gear to hold for me so that I didn't make the mistake of doing it all the night before.

Of course the next morning J was nowhere to be found?

I was kinda pissed at her!

Good start then?

Anyway... We traveled down to the festival and the closer we got, the more it seemed to piss down with rain ( Oh dear! ) Upon arrival we were greeted with 2 inch blanket thick muddy fields that just seemed to get worse and worse the closer you got.

Oooh dear, not good at all!

We arrive and after checking in at the production office ( standing in the pissing rain for 40mins) to get the passes etc. We were finally let on site and to the lockup to empty the van of all the instruments, amps, flight cases and other shit needed for the gig.

The day before I'd heard it might rain, so I'd looked high and low for a new pair of wellies.

No luck whatsoever? Upon arrival I made a beeline for a welly store. The guy said they'd be shut for another two hours and I'm just like ( sinking into 2 inches of mud in a pair of converse holding out a £20 note) " Mate, just give me a pair of wellies or I'm stealing a pair!!"

Him: " No, come back in two hours when we're open "

I'd come in through the back of his shop via the backstage area and I'm actually stood in the middle of about a thousand pairs of wellies and this jobsworth twat won't sell me a pair.

They're £10 a pair. I'm offering him £20???

Me: " Just sell me a pair of wellies mate? "

Him: " Sorry mate, we're closed at the moment"

Me: " Closed for what?"

As the shop is a tent and I'm stood in the middle of this tent; there was no bloody closed??

Him: " No...come back in 2 hours"

Me: " Well sorry mate, I ain't moving till you sell me some, just like, do it please??"

Him: " I can't sorry "

Me: " Oh come off it!!!"

Him: " Can't! "

Me: " No such thing as can't mate, listen I'm stood with the money, in the pile of your sodding wellies , with a pair of soaking wet muddy canvas converse on my wet feet and your playing silly buggers. Just sell me a pair of fukin wellington boots...For fucks sake????"

Anyway after about ten minutes of this pointless ridiculous banter, he eventually gives in and sells me a pair..

Jeez, some people!

The relief of the welly was second to none.

Sooo: I rush back up to the rest of the band ( well half the band, the other members were arriving on Sunday after a DJ set in Poland ) With my new feet, grab my rucksack and tent and we all trot off to our backstage camping pitch to set up shop.

We find our designated camping site and are shown this bit of two inch thick bit of runny mud at the bottom of a steep field to pitch our tents on.

Fuckin ell!! This is gonna be fun?

Not!

Why the organisers can't lay down matting ( there is such a thing as matting you can pitch tents on ) is beyond me.

I'm about to pitch the tent and this guy comes running over and he's like: " Not there mate, that bit turned into a river when it rained too much the other year! "

Hmmm!!!

OK: Half an hour later and the tents are up. I'm now kinda covered waste high in sludge, completely filthy and not particularly in a good mood. And... we've only been on site for just over two and a half hours?

This is gonna be fun, I can see it coming.

I empty all my stuff out in the dry inner tent and find that because I've packed my rucksack still pissed from the night before, I've packed lots of stuff I don't want ( six pairs of pants ) and not enough of the stuff I do want ( two pairs of socks, one pair already wet through.)

Bugger!?

My own fault.

I guess.

Alrighty!

We all go off to explore what's what.

In the rain and the mud.

We end up at the Dance village backstage area, sit down, have a bit of dinner and then it's off up to see Amy Winehouse ( who bored the shit out of me ) , then The Artic Monkeys on the Pyramid stage where the sound was quite frankly shite ( more on this later) , then back down to the Other stage to see Bjork who was pretty amazing. By this time I was wet and cold and totally fed up, so I went back down to the Dance village backstage area where I got pissed and after watched all the pill heads arrive, off their tits, gurning and falling over and stuff, I decided enough was enough and trudged through yet more muddy fields back to the tent and called it a night.

Soooo: Glastonbury day one... Oh dear, not a lot of fun I'm afraid!!

And it'd just begun.

More to come

Technorati tags: Glastonbury Festival 2007 mud wellington boots bands Bjork Artic Monkeys Amy Winehouse backstage Dance village More mud

Glastonbury (intro)

2007-06-25T21:06:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Sorry I ain't been blogging, but I've Just got back from Glastonbury.

What a nightmare rainy, miserable mudfest?

There were some fun bits tho. I'm a little tired to start writing it all up ( a shit load happened you know ) Once I've recuperated, I'll tell all. It probably take a week to write it all up.

For now tho

Laters

Sunday Sicko.

2007-06-17T12:22:00.000+01:00

Sooo, I watched the Michael Moore documentary "Sicko" last night. Completely shocking it was too. Seems like all American health care seems to be concerned with is pure shareholder profit for the insurance companies? Is it really as bad as that? If so, then it's totally fucked if you ask me!

In England, we all moan about the NHS, but... we shouldn't really, after all it is free. You fall and break your arm, or your appendix explodes, or you have a heart attack, or your head falls off, and your guaranteed to get it sorted for nothing. End of. Not bad really when you think about it.

I got invited to the O2 festival in Hyde park last night, but...to be honest, the last thing I wanna go do on a day off is go and see bands again. Mad, but true.

Anyway, I've a busy week ahead. I'm at the Savoy engineering a band at a Summer ball mid week and then Glastonbury at the weekend.

Woohoo!

The Savoy thing is always a laugh + I get a three course dinner + I have to engineer in a Tuxedo. We run this raffle which makes quite a bit bit of money on the side and afterwards all the staff go to this posh club (which one of the promoters Dad owns ) and get slaughtered on the proceeds. Last year we were ordering up Champagne till like 4 in the morning. We told these girls we were all footballers on a night out and they started throwing themselves at us ( literally ) left right and centre.

Sad, money grabbing bitches really???

Still though, a bit of a laugh.

Warning...Spoiler: For anybody who's a fan of the Sopranos and was a bit shocked by the finale, this is a beautiful frame by frame analysis of what we were all thinking anyway.

If only it were true!!

Ok, it's Sunday ( still no Sunday girl? ) although I did meet with this American girl last night P for a drink, but...she proceeded to chew my ear off for fukin hours. I was trying to work out how she was actually breathing in between sentences at one point?

I think I'll give her a miss to be honest. She wanted me to show her the delights of the great British tradition of Sunday Lunch and a pint today, but... I kinda like to do that one in peace and have a nice chat afterwards, not an ear bashing!

I'm gonna go down the local for dinner. I'm friendly with the female chef V and she totally piles it on for me, extra Yorkshire and spuds all round then.

Good girl, well done!

Starving.

Laters

I'm only trying to turn the sound back on mate?

2007-06-16T13:05:00.000+01:00

Sooo, we ran an Asian R&B UK garage night in room 2 of the club last night.

Bad idea!

Not many clubs in Central London will take these nights on. I personally told them not to run it coz the last time we ran one of these nights, the club became a crime scene and ended up on the 9 o'clock news.

1 person was stabbed to within an inch of their life, 1 pregnant woman was taken to hospital after being kicked in the stomach? (I question why a pregnant woman was clubbing anyway but... ) About 30 separate fights broke out and the back stairway looked like a slaughterhouse.

I kid you not!

Blood smeared down the walls and everything?

Yep I wouldn't touch this crowd with a barge pole, they're a bunch of Racist ( yeah you heard me right ) Asian wannabe pretendy gangsters who think they're all from the hood ( exactly which hood breeds rich UK Asians I've yet to work out ) all with a chip on their shoulders the size of Birmingham?

But... The Asian promoters were: " Very nice guys when they came to see us, I can't understand it?"

Yeah, just wait till they've all had a drink!

This is no way a racist comment ( merely an observation on my part ) but... I've yet to meet a young Asian who can handle any large amount of booze. The two just don't mix, period.

They get pissed after two pints, but then proceed to try and down eight.

Silly!

Was I right?

Yeah!

By 11 o'clock we'd seen about 8 fights, those thrown out were still arguing their cases with the door security, the sound system, after numerous shouting matches between myself and the DJ's was being flogged to death ( the amp room was like a fukin sauna ) the crowd was descending into chaos, and the bar staff were looking like they'd all lost a relative the previous day i.e. Really really pissed off!

For most of the night I just kept out the way but... The whole electrical system decided to trip out and I found myself having to wade through the ( way over capacity ) crowd to the plant room to reset the breakers and thus reboot the whole shebang.

I very nearly lost the plot as I was nudged in the back several times in a " You don't belong in this crowd mate" sorta way??

These people are nice as pie sober, but.. give em a few drinks and they become nasty little racist twats??

Upon arriving [at the plant room], I was greeted by this little 5 foot cunt who proceeded to stand in the way of the door with his arms folded and his legs apart wannabe gangster stylee. I moved him out the way, he tried to move back. I moved him out the way again, he started pushing me. He looks me dead in the eye and he's like: " Wot?"

Me: " Get out the way!"

Him: " Wadda you wannnt?"

Me: " Just get out the fukin way will you!!"

Him: " Waahhh you think your ard!"

Me: " Listen son, do you want the fukin music back on or what?"

Him: " Errr, oh yeah, you work here....sorry"

Idiot.

Anyway, as I was trying to punch the key code into the plant room door to get access, this twat and his mate were like, falling all over me pissed.

It took me 5 attempts to punch in the correct sequence? When I did finally get the door open, I had to push two of them off just to swing the fukin thing open?

Sooo, I reset all the breakers and the system comes back on-line but... The Dj has everything set to max on the mixer so the whole thing comes back on line full volume and trips out again.

For fucks sake??

So this means making my way through the crowd, to the DJ box, to turn everything down and then back to the plant room to reset everything again.

By this point...I'm spitting fire!!

I'm just about to re-enter the plant room when I hear: " Ear.. mate, do you know what you doin, don't look like it to me??"

Wrong fukin answer!

How I didn't pull that guy into the plant room and beat the shit out of him , I just don't know?

So I reset the breakers and it all comes back on line. But...these cunts have decided to block the door so I can't get back out!

FFFFfffffffFFFffFfff!!!!!

I just took a run from the back of the plant room and hit the door full force. About five of the fukers go flying onto the dance floor as I shoot through the door like a runaway steam train.

At this point the security ( thank gawd ) have clocked this cos the lights are back on, they grab the offenders and eject em from the club. Leaving me a nice little escape route back up to the sanctuary of room one.

You wouldn't think I was just trying to help these twats get their night going again???

I donno why I bother!

The night ends after no real further events till I leave the club and door blocking twat is waiting outside for me. He's staring me out with his arms folded in his little gangster like way.

What was he thinking? Really!!

Sooo, instead of me running away and him giving chase ( which I think is what he was expecting me to do ) I just walked over and pushed him straight over the bench he was standing in front of.

Yeah, you fukin think mate ?

The guy is sooo pissed he literally can't get back up.

I thought about it, but...just walked away; what's the point.

He would've only returned the next week with a couple of Old Bill and his Dad in tow.

Doughnut!!

Bad night.

Got in around four, watched a film and went to bed.

It's pissing me off just writing this up.

I'm going to the pub instead.

Oooo it's starting to thunder, I love thunder, it fukin rules!

Going to watch.

Laters.

Mystery solved...and replaced by an extra day?

2007-06-14T08:06:00.000+01:00

Sooo, the keys were from Little Mistress. We hooked up last week and ended up sleeping together, she says she found them in her bag when she got home and thought they were mine, and coz I was away, just sent them to me in the post?

Slightly worrying, but [ I guess ] mystery solved.

I spoke to L last night ( the girl I snogged the other week ) we were gonna meet this weekend but mid conversation she launched into this completely off the chart: " I don't think I can meet this weekend, I'm still confused over my ex and...I'm off men this month and...I've decided to stop drinking and... my heads not in the right place, and... I have to think about my kids???? soo... can we leave it a few weeks?"

OoooKeeeedooookeeeyyyy!!!

Hmmm, maybe not!

Jeez, leave it out, life's too fukin short.

Nevermind eh?

Note to all women of the world ( and men really, come to mention it. ) : Grief....before a second date is kind of a huge turnoff.

Really really not a good idea in the grand scheme of things?

Anyway, I got to the venue yesterday to find that the lighting controller hadn't been wiped? It was just on the wrong programme..

Doh!!

Sooo... I just hung around chatting to the barmaids and getting pissed instead. There's some really pretty girls working at the venue at the moment, but ( due to past experience ) I just don't mix. Eventually when it all goes tits up ( and it will dating a 19 year old ) the flak you get from the rest of the staff just ain't worth the hassle.

I really thought it was Friday today but it's only Thursday, that means I have a day off..

Woohoo!!

Also thank you the BBC for plastering the winner of The Apprentice all over your website ( with no spoiler warnings??) Some of us were working/chatting up barmaids last night and hadn't fukin watched it yet... Twats!!

I'm going back to bed.

Actually no, I'm gonna have a cup of tea instead.

The Oops list!!

For those who like the work motivation posters the other day, make your own.

Todays news...yesterday!

Oh dear?

Right, drinking my tea and asking the question: " Soooo, where did it all go wrong?"

Laters.

Key non-development?

2007-06-12T13:42:00.000+01:00

Sooo: Somebody has sent me a full set of keys in the post with no covering letter and I haven't the foggiest idea who they're from or what they open?

Complete fukin mystery??

Absolutely baffling!!

Yep, a complete set of high security, number stamped, Banham keys on a red ribbon.

WTF!!

Highly confused I am! ( Yoda voice )

I thought maybe they'd changed the locks at the venue and sent me replacements or something.

Couple of calls later...still no Joy.

Why the hell would somebody send me a set of fukin keys??

Maybe a long lost relative has died and has left me his/her Country cottage/holiday home in the South of France/Stately Manor/Farmhouse/nightclub/luxury yacht/hotel in Cannes.... ( Dream on son!)

I don't even recognise the writing on the envelope?

Hmmm!?!!??

Anyway...

I'm sure it all makes sense to somebody out there??

Come forward O mystery key sender person.

Whoever you are.

Just had a call from the venue and some fukin idiot has wiped the lighting controller (again!!) That means tomorrow ( on my day off ) I have to go down to the sodding venue and spend the whole day reprogramming the lighting rig?

A job I do not like.

Tiz a pain in one's arse!

And then some...

Note to all people who think they can use a lighting desk (but actually have no idea) :

FFfffffffFFFffFfblaaaggghhhhh!!!!!!!

I kill!!

Suppose I'll get paid to do it; but that's not the point really.

Bugger.

Right, I have work to do.

Crash your car ( well an American version of it anyway!)

And...for anyone who enjoys a spot of air hockey, this.

Inspirational work posters.

last...Somebody please jump on my wireless so I can use this shit. Please!!

Laters

Croatia...It's nicer than Blackpool!!

2007-06-11T11:59:00.001+01:00

Sooo: Sorry I ain't been posting, but I've been gigging in Croatia.

Pretty good gig actually, in this mad old paper mill:

Where we got to help ourselves to the bars ( not me in the pic, by the way):

Good, apart from the fact that the lead singer B nearly lamped one of the Croatian in-house engineers, he fell eight foot off the front of the stage ( in a rock-n-roll sorta way) , and then the in-house guy went a bit nuts about it, this guy then proceeded to stand on the front of the stage (for the rest of the gig) giving B evil looks??

B went a bit nuts about it after the gig, we all had to escort him from the gig before he got arrested.

Croatian Old Bill have guns and shit as well.

Wouldn't have been good really.

What's that about eh? Can't the Croatians handle a bit of fukin rock-n-roll??

Also, minus brownie points go to the minibus driver taking us back to the airport (at five in the morning) and slamming on the brakes in the middle of the motorway, having a scream-up at us all, and then driving at twenty miles an hour for the rest of the journey in the hope that we all missed our flights; just because one of the band lit a cigarette up in his bus?? Fukin idiot!

It's not like it wasn't a 3 hour journey to the airport, and there was another airport 10 mins from the gig??

Also also: Big big minus brownie points for the in-house engineer for fuking me up after ( having spent the day before sound checking and stuff ) upon arriving back at the gig [for the gig] had ripped off all the marking tape I'd left on the mixing desk so that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing anymore??

Complete idiot!

Had to totally wing the gig, luckily I'd kinda remembered half of it in my head, but that's not the point really.

Don't know how the rest of the world operates? But in my country, you never ever mess with what the headlining bands engineer has left on the mixing console??

Ever!

Big big no no!!

Anyway:

On a plus, we got to stay in this fuck-off amazing hotel on the seafront with views like these from the bedroom windows :

And the women in Croatia are spectacular, I'd say in the top 10 of the worlds fittest, easily!!

And it was 30 degrees [ 90 degrees F ] baking sunshine for the whole trip.

We also spent the night before the gig on a yacht listening to a Jazz four piece playing till the early hours.

Nice!

Sooo, back to miserable grey London.

Mmmm, I wanna go back.

Right now!

Oh well, nevermind!

Laters.

Banking on Surveillance ?

2007-06-02T12:18:00.000+01:00

Sooo, Sat and I have a day off. The band are playing some festival up North tomorrow, so I'm just gonna chill for today..

I just have to mention this though, my mate B from the venue went to hire a car yesterday to drive down to Cornwall for the weekend, "Soo fukin what?" You say. Well upon collecting the car the guy in the hire shop shoves this machine in his his face and he's like: " Thumb print sir!" and B's like " Uhhh!!" Again: " Thumb print sir!" B refuses, and is told he can't have the car till he gives up his print??

B wants to know more. He's a bit of a conspiracy nut is B, he hangs around with the top ranks of these people who are all anti ID card. His mate writes for the Guardian on all things anti government, so you can see his concerns here.

Anyway, seemingly as from the July 1st 2007 ( Yesterday, but you know that right? )Yep as from July 1st 2007 everyone hiring a car in the UK ( at any hire car company ) is required to leave a thumb print, but...not for a hire car database (fukin get this!! ) It's for a government database?????

WTF!!!

This shit is out of hand, I mean why don't the fukin government just round us all up and place us sheep pens. I'm sick to death of this government and it's meddling, sick to fukin death!

I thought the government was supposed to be serving the people, not controlling them.

Whatever next?

Talking of annoying twats. I changed my bank about 6 months ago coz I wasn't happy with the service. The Halifax bank if you wanna know, they were crap. Anyway coz my old bank [The Halifax] hadn't seen any money going through the accounts for like, 2 months, they decided to pull my old overdraft from one of the accounts. This in turn left the account £10 overdrawn?? I had no idea, I wasn't using the account anymore, I'd emptied the accounts, chucked the cards and unregistered all the internet banking stuff.

Sooo, I started to get letters from the bank, and, to be honest, I just binned them without reading them. I wanted nothing more to do with this bank and thought it was just " Why aren't you using us anymore?" crap.

Then, they started ringing my mobile. A typical conversation would go: " Are you such and such?"

Me: " Yes"

Them: " Can you confirm some security detail with me please?"

Me: " Err noooo!"

Them: " Why not Sir?'

Me: "Errr because you called me you idiots, you could be anyone??"

Them: " Well can you ring us on ........... ?"

Me: " Errrr noooo! "

Them: " Can you tell me why not?"

Me: "ERRRR NOOOO!"

Them: " Well...

Click

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

But... These calls started becoming more regular??

It got to the point where I was like: " Stop fuking calling me please, I want nothing more to do with you!!"

It didn't stop , so I just saved the number in my phone under 'NO!!!'

But... The calls still kept coming, to the frequency that they would start at 8:30 am and end at 10pm every 30 to 40 mins every day ( including Sat and Sun and... Bank holidays?? ) . It kinda became a running joke, but it's not really that fukin funny.

Total calls I make at 10 to 20/day over a two month period, that's like 600 calls max!!

WTF!!

I don't know about you lot, but in my book that's fukin harassment??

Anyway, I hadn't had one of their letters for a while, so when one dropped through the letterbox the other day, I opened it.

Guess what? That £10 ( actually £12.36 ) unathorised overdraft now stands at ( including all the letters they sent me and interest gained ) at £422.62????

In six months.

What are they, loan sharks?

Ffffffffffff!!!!!

I went straight to the citizens advice bureau, they wrote me this superbly nasty letter, made a few calls and got it all straightened.

But... The calls and the letters started again last week, and they ain't stopped.

They're still claiming I owe them this money?

Anyone with a lesser disposition ( I mean I couldn't really give a fuck, bring it on! ) would be having kittens by now??

What do these people want...Blood!!

Anyway, rant over.

I'm off out to enjoy the sunshine down the pub with the locals.

Also...I've come to the conclusion that the Japanese are completely mad squirrel !

Laters

Silly Dick!

2007-06-01T02:17:00.000+01:00

Still taken from the TV show The Apprentice Wednesday night ( Just watched it myself ) . The wannabe Apprentices were selling shit on a shopping TV channel, and this doughnut is demonstrating putting the legs on a fitness trampoline and the dialogue is kinda: " You can jump on and off, up and down, and it really is great fun for all the family and so easy to screw on and off!!" Magic, I laughed my pants off!!

You can't make that shit up...you really can't!!

Ha!!

Talking of TV, they used one of my old tunes to introduce one of the new house mates on C4's Big Brother the other night ( without my permission? ) And to say I'm pissed about it is an understatement. I fukin hate reality TV of this kind with a vengeance! Not happy...at all. I'm in the process of trying to find out which dick head thought they could use my shit without asking my permission first???

Fukin music industry?

Tonights gig was a washout, about 50 people turned up. I enjoyed myself though, there was some great hip hop beatboxing shit going down.

Talking of Beatboxing... Brilliant!

Oh well, nevermind!

Can't win em all.

Right, I think it's about time I turned in.

Funny pics

Laters

Umbrella terror?

2007-05-31T01:36:00.000+01:00

Sooo, It was pissing down with rain yesterday morning so I grabbed an umbrella that I'd picked up in the club the other day. ( The good thing about running a club is that you're never short of hats, scarfs, gloves and umbrellas. People are always leaving that shit behind. )

So this is one of these newfangled ( well not that new really! ) brollies that have a button that you press and they (as if by magic) spring into action. But...this umbrella is different...it's posh!

Posh, because upon a second push of the button, this thing retracts as well.

And... at great speed I must add.

Now, is this me, or is this like, a stupid fukin idea or wot?

Especially when you discover this by accident!!

Sooo, I'm walking along, in the rain, doing my thing, humming a tune, tapping out the beat with my thumb on the brolly handle, when all of a sudden I'm shrouded in complete fukin darkness.

Can't see a thing, no idea what's going on?

I'm being attacked in the Jaws of the polyester fukin brolly monster.

And he's winning!

I'm doing this kinda chicken impression down the street, just to get the damn thing off me.

But... I keep being re-clamped??

Fukin thing!!

Not being funny, but this wasn't actually funny!

Sooo, I did what any normal person would do in the same situation.

I fell over!!

Luckily [for me] the brellaterror discarded itself from my person, shooting skywards like some canvas death missile.

It scratched the fuck out of my arm on the way up too?

Thank gawd I wasn't crossing the road or something.

I just left the thing in the middle of the street.

And ran away...

Evil thing

I saw it on the way home and, quite frankly, crossed the fukin street out of harms way?

Evil satanic rain tool!!

Note to self: Thoroughly check all form of rain protection gear before leaving the house next time please.

What can you do?

Anyway, I'm having a bit of a Star Wars nostalgia trip at the moment, seeing as I don't have a Sunday girl, I guess watching all six episodes ( without getting winged at from the sidelines ) seems appropriate. I've done 1 and 2, which are 4 and 5 actually ( the blokes will know.) I'll do the rest on Saturday if L ain't around? Sunday I'm up North to headline some festival with the band.

Quote of the day [Darth Vader] : " Calrissian... take the Wookie and the Princess to my ship!"

You just can't make that shit up!

Talking of bands, I have a couple to do tomorrow night ( Thurs ), should be OK, bit of hip hop and beat boxing and stuff with some acts that I know will ram the venue, but a late finish so I'll be knackered Fri, bit of a sleep in I think, then the club Friday..

All go I guess.

Right, it's late so I'm gonna watch the end of 'The Empire Strikes Back' ( and he does! ) and turn in.

Complete fukin idiot, but sooo funny!

Very un-PC , but funny too!

Time to upgrade lol!

Laters

Engineer on call.

2007-05-28T12:37:00.000+01:00

Sooo, bank holiday Monday and I'm chilling at home after working last night. I got a call Sat night around 7pm from the guy who owns Neighbourhood club in Ladbroke Grove. Their in-house engineer has gone off to work on a cruise ship somewhere and the guy sounded really desperate.

Anyway, he asked me would I work on Sunday and I kinda hummed and hared coz I was already out with a load of mates and I knew ( due to the amount of booze etc. we were consuming ) that Sunday was gonna be a complete right off. But... This guy was like, " Man, it's some party for Jade Jagger and I'm totally in the shit, I'll give you a big wad of cash if you help me out??" So ( on that preface ) I agreed and throttled back on booze a little ( you say that!).

Luckily for me my mate F ( female, BBC director ) said I could sleep at her house which is only ten minutes from the club. All good!

We then continued to do what we do best...

Sunday I woke up around 2Pm, crawled out of bed, and took myself for Lunch. I bumped into my mate C ( girl ) on Portobello road and invited her down to this party coz I figured I was gonna need some props as the night wore on. Finished lunch, feeling awake(ish) and then went down the club to work.

Turns out it was a superb night, three really good sorta dub, electro, rock bands ( you work it out!) some fukin excellent DJ's, a lot of great crack ( conversation not drugs!! ) and the women, I must say, were fukin spectacular!!! I was chatting to this blond girl who just came up to me out of the blue and I'm just thinking, " Babe, you are way way way out of my league honey??" Got her number though. I doubt I'll ring though as she was kinda " Why the fuck is everyone hitting on my new girlfriend?" territory. Not really what I need at the moment. Far too fukin expensive for little old me...

Also...I got an offer of a job as the new house engineer at the end of the night as well. I'm considering it (a lot).

I'm a little bored of my usual club at the moment. Although I've taken the place from being a shitty live venue to a state of the art 1500 people a night place over the last five years, I'm kinda feeling the need to move on. And...I'm getting a little fed up of engineering unsigned bollocks student indie bands ( noisy fuckers!!) . Neighbourhood gets a lot of classy signed bands which drift more toward the electronic side of the spectrum rather then the indie side.

And...it's smack bang in the middle of carnival and becomes the place to be for after parties.

Also the bar managers are pissing me off at my usual place, their inability to push the venue up a gear and their "We just wanna close early and get the fuck out without putting any effort in wotsoever" attitude is driving me up the fukin wall. On Friday nights I've noticed that the staff taxis are getting to the venue earlier and earlier to the point that you can't even sit down for five minutes and relax after a long night. I very nearly got locked in the place the other night, I was still finishing up while the other staff had been dispatched in haste, I had to ring the bar manager to return to the venue and let me the fuck out, he didn't even take the time to check if there was anyone left in the main room. Upon his return I was greeted with: " What you doing son, you gonna have to be faster than that!!" To which I replied: "Fuck you!!"

It was 2:30am, the club shuts at 2? I used to be still finishing up at 3???

Totally fukin shoddy!!

Note to all bar managers: If you've lost the passion for your job to the point where the rest of the staff are having their heads done-in by you: Don't you think it's about time you moved over and let somebody else do the job who actually gives a shit?

It's kinda bollocks really! I finished up at 3:30 last night and was still having a laugh at the bar at 5am this morning, which, to me, is one of the best things about doing this job!

I'll split the work between the two venues and see what happens from there I guess?

Sooo, I awoke this morning, day off, big pile of and cash feeling rather smug about the whole thing really.

All good.

Right I'm off out for a posh lunch then. (Ha!! not really.)

This is just utter madness??

Laters.