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Monday, October 22, 2007

Babysitting the idiot!!

Soooo: DJ's... Again ( or one in particular ) !

Sat night I'm baby sitting a poorly system in the club, I'm using band monitors to make up for a completely blown mid-range and I've got the limiters ( which I hate using ) on full.

The DJ/promoter ( that blew the rig in the first place ) arrives and I sit him down in the DJ booth for a bit of a talking too. I explain the fact that cos the midrange is blown the amp powering both midrange and tweeters will be feeding all it's power to just the tweeters, so there's absolutely: "No fukin way the rig can be anywhere near the red,'s completely fucked speaker time."

It goes straight over his little ( walnut sized brain ) head?

By the way the rig consists of Martin Audio H3 blackline speakers coupled with S218 bass bins. How he blew these things in the first place is a complete mystery cos they can kick out like 137db peak which is ridiculously loud, especially when you consider the fact that a F22 fighter jet taking off at 50 feet is only 130db???

The night he blew the mids up he must have had it sooo fukin loud that it would have been painful for anyone listening???


Anyway... I'm in and out of the DJ booth all night checking and this fucker is basically turning it down as he watches me cross the stage? I'm getting really really pissed with him at this point.

It's probably got something to do with the blatant lack of respect for the clubs gear?

What a knob!

It gets to 12:30 and I'm feeling kinda hungry so I pop out for a bit of nosh.

20mins later I return and I swear the rig is fukin screaming, and I mean screaming? I make my way onto the stage via the band room so he can't spot me.

Fuck me the limiters aren't just flashing red, they're flat out red.

I lost it.

The guy is like some scrawny little fukin indy kid so I grabbed him by the neck, pulled him from decks and basically pushed his face into the amp rack. I was sooo pissed!!

I'm very rarely a violent person, but this kid was severely taking the piss out of me and it kinda drove me over the edge.

" Listen mate " I screams at him: " What the fuck aren't you understanding here?? Really mate, are you like, fucking dense or something? See these red light " I said pointing at the flat out limiters: " These can never be red again... fukin period, fucking ever! Or I swear I'm gonna punch you out!!!"

I wish this guy wasn't the promoter so I could just bar him from the club.

At this point the fire alarms go off and the whole club shuts down cos some pissed up punter has smashed one of the glass fronted alarm triggers?

Great timing.

Gawd all mighty... what next?

Anyway this was a good thing cos in the down-time I got a couple of extra long XLR leads and connected them from the DJ mixer directly to the stage box, effectively re-routing the DJ through the live mixing desk and through a couple of compressors ( with a long attack time ) to give a little bit of dynamic back to the sound ( Therefore stopping the signal being a total square wave ) and giving myself full control over how loud he could be.

It's was like being at school with a fukin naughty five year old??

Every time he turns it up: I turn it down on the desk.

I couldn't believe I was having to sit at the desk all night babysitting a bloody DJ???

He comes up to me at the end of the night and he's all like: " I'm really sorry I made you lose it."

Me: " I don't want your apologies son, I just want the limiters out of the red? It ain't rocket science, and until you can do it all by yourself: I'm gonna be here every Saturday night screaming at you! And...if the system is in any way ever fucked again coz of you: You're getting the fukin bill! "

I called up the Saturday night tech guy and told him that he ain't working till he learns to do his job properly. I'm gonna give him a couple of weeks off, then let him have a Saturday. But... when he does work I'm gonna put my mate D on the guest list with free booze ( the guys a top sound engineer ) and he's gonna basically spy on the rig and report back for me.

Jeez Louise, never in my life!

I bet that DJ's a single child! No ability to listen, whatsoever?

On a better note, Bibi ( international advertising girl and generally great snog ) started her new job today so I took her dogs for a long walk this afternoon. Top laugh, she has these two chocolate and white Springer Spaniel gun dogs and they're both completely mental. They run about smacking into trees and doing mad dog shit, you just can't tire them out.

I'm thinking that I should of had a dog when I was a kid. I was brought up in this country village and it would have been loads of fun. Guess I'll just have to make up for it now then eh?

Anyway.. I need food.

Identity crisis

Continuing the 'Flight of the Concords ( Conchords mate.. Conchords??) ' theme: Business time... Brilliant. ( more through the week )



Blogger Turtle said...

It's about time you snached someones nuts off over the gear.

4:13 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, seems cool.


10:09 am  
Blogger Lippy said...

No, sorry, when you start talking sound equipment it all gets far too much like an A Level Physics lesson with just slightly more swearing.

Worst exam of my life A Level physics, still have nightmares about it 20 years later.

2:37 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Sorry lippy, boys and toys.


3:43 pm  

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