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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Holiday Hell

Ok , I'm gonna blog a story coz I'm in the mood today ..

Soo , this story is for anyone who is thinking about booking a package holiday to a Greek Island in the summer. The particular Island in question is Crete the resort Malia ( or fukin Malaria as it came to be known )... It looks ideal in the photos , the camera never lies , No , fair enough but a digital editing package certainly fukin helps .
To set the scene , at the time I was braking up with an ex girlfriend who I was living with in West London , it had got to the stage where we just didn't get along any more and I wanted out badly , so I decided to take a months holiday and go off to Malia to see a mate who was DJing for the summer on the island ....

For those of you who don't know about Malia , It's a greek Island resort that has fuck all going for it apart from a British and German holiday nightmare sorta bolted on near the sea , it supposidly has great historical importance which is always nice if you want to look at a pile of rubble with a sign saying Ruins of an Ancient Greek temple thingy with periodic petrified soup bowl and toilet ??

Ummm , of course at the time I knew nothing of this ..

Sooo , I arrive after a four hour flight on a charter plane full of British Pissheads and screaming kids all packed in like fukin grapes in a winepress ... Magic , wonderfull start then eh !!

I land at the airport/roadworks and get in a Taxi with this Greek driver who seemed ok at the time ( this all changed after five minutes into the journey )

" Do you know anywhere I can rent an apartment mate ?" I say

" Yaa , I take , you like "

" Err ok , how much ?"

He then proceeds to quote me a price that is like through the fukin roof , about as much as I'm prepared to pay for a week let alone a fukin night , in fact about the same for a week as my London flat was for the month ...

So , I'm like " No way mate , sorry , just drop me at the tourist information place and I'll find somewhere else "

Him : " You take room , I make call "

Me : " No mate , it's way off the scale that price "

He's making a call and speaking a lot of shit I can't understand here ..

Him : " Room fixed , I drop you there now "

Me : " Hold the fuck on mate , I said I don't want your room mate it's way too expensive "

Him : " Arr you British pigs all the same , I make call already , fix room , you stay "

For fucks sake !!

Me : " No mate , it's too bloody expensive "

Him : " I take , you stay "

So ok , I'm in the middle of fukin nowhere with a mad Greek Taxi driver ( who's starting to look really fukin mean here ) and I get the feeling that I'm taking this room whether I like it or fukin not ??

We arrive and I'm met by his brothers and a fat Greek lady and I start smelling a scam ..

Fuckety fuck ... What to do ?

Ok after about 20 mins of being bullied , cornered , threatened and generally pushed around ( I'm really on the end of my tether here and not far from picking up the metal bar left at the side of the road , taking a swipe and doing a runner: not really a good idea on a small island with a close nit population though) I manage to convice them that I only need the room for one night as I'm traveling on tomorrow morning ..

Fukin hell , and I've only been off the plane for about an hour ...

I leave my rucksak in the ( fukin orrible ) room and decide to explore the resort , great !! , British Pubs , Irish Pubs , Greasy spoon cafes , cheezy nightclubs , shitty pisshead bars .. Fukkin chav central ... Top !!!

This place is a shithole , a 100% shithole , and my mate said it was brilliant , thanks , I'm gonna have words when you arrive in two weeks time mate .

So I find a bar , have a drink and start talking to this English guy who looks a bit clued up ..

" D'ya know were I can score a bit of smoke from mate I could murder a spliff "

Him : " Naa , you won't find any of that stuff on this Island "

Me : " You have got to be fukin kidding me "

Him : " Naa mate , penalties are too great "

For fucks sake !!

So I head back to the room and for some reason I've not taken down the address of the fukin apartment block and they all look the fukin same , so I end up walking up and down and up and fukin down for three hours in a brand new pair of Adidas that are cutting my feet up to the point where there covered in blood ( painfull ) , the only reason I found the room again is because I recognised the metal bar on the floor that I was thinking of wacking the taxi clan with ??

Ok , I go to bed ...

In the morning I go and find another room , the landlady will only let me have it if I pay upfront for the whole month .. Ok , it's cheap and I'm staying for a month so what the fuck .. But it's not quite the hillside sea view apartment I was thinking of ..

I hire a moped after trudging around several hire places " No , I will not leave my passport behind as a deposit thanks !! " and decide to have a drive about , I go ten mile down the coast , vrooooom , Err nothing .. Ok , ten miles down the other side of the coast , vroooom , Errr fuck all , great , guess I'm stuck in Britland hell for a month .. Ouch !!

Oh and I run out of fukin petrol after about a minute , it's supposed to be a full tank and I've paid for a full tank ??

" No ... No .. Petrol gauge not working , tank full , you see "

Note to people who hire mopeds and run out of petrol : Tip the moped on its side , stand it upright again and it will be good for another ten miles or so ... Find a fukin garage !!

I'd been to India the preceeding Christmas and I'm left thinking " What the fuck posessed you to come to this shithole, your a fukin Idiot ?? "

So , I return to the apartment to find that all my stuff has been thrown along the corridor and there's somebody else in my room , What the ??

I find the landlady ( big fat bearded Greek lady ) and go ballistic ..

Me: " What the fuck is going on ? "

Her: " Couple pay better price , so you go now "

Me: " Couple pay fukin what , I've paid for a month , you have my money "

Her: " You go , you not give me money yet "

Me: " Wooh hold the fuck on , I've fukin paid you luv and you know I have "

Her: " You go now ... "

Ok , so this is how you treat the people who pay for everything you fukin own then eh !!

Me : " I'm going fukin nowhere till you give me my money back "

She runs off and returns with her husband and their two sons ( they all have two sons seemingly )

For fucks sake , I just wanted a fukin holiday people , not a full on assault ..

We end up having this huge ruk in the street , the police get called and of course they all know each other so I end up getting evicted from the premises and losing my months rent money ..

Still , I was lucky not to be in the cells , somehow though I got the feeling that this was not the first time the police had been called for this particular party trick ?

Bastards !!

By this point I'm starting to hate this fukin place and I'm thinking about just fuking off home , so I go to the tourist information to find out about flights , there all fully booked for the next fortnight so I'm fukin stuck in hell . I ask if they know about any acommodation where I won't get ripped off , they do and it turns out to be just what I'm looking for ( a hillside villa ) , thank fuck .. The girl working there takes me to it and it's fukin lovely , swimming pool , roof terrace ,the works .. I pay the landlady for a week only , with an option for two more .

Finally I can relax ..

Sooo , I leave all my stuff and go for a ride about on the moped , I pass another moped hire place on the way down the hill and look who the owners are ? Mr Greek eviction apartment owning cunt and his two sons .. Ha !!

The following night I go for a walk and accidental borrow one of his mopeds, I then proceed to dump the fukin thing in the sea: Floaty floaty , awww , oh no , sinky sinky !!

Fuck you ya bastards !!

I returned to the apartment feeling very good about myself that night I can tell ya , highlight of the bloody holiday meethinks ..

Ok , So on day four of the holiday I started to feel a bit queezy so I go to bed early , I wake in the middle of the night and projectile vomit across the floor , Ooof , I go back to sleep and wake up half an hour later and do the same thing ? So , I look in the mirror and I've turned a funny shade of green and that's when it all starts .
I can't stop myself being sick and I've picked up a lovely batch of the shits as well , this goes on all night and all the next day and the next night and the day after that ( and remember , I'm here by myself , so there's no help ) . Every time I tried to drink water or ate any food it just came back up and after three days of this , I'm starting to get really fukin worried , I've lost about two stone and I'm dangerously dehydrated , I'm as one would say; properly , properly ill !!
The third night I spent lying in a pile of sick on the shower floor because I couldn't physically get up to turn the damn thing on ... So day four and I'm in a really bad way here people , I'm still being sick ( well what was left to be sick ) and I'm slipping in and out of conciousness on the bathroom floor , I feel like I've taken some really bad acid coz I'm hallucinating like a motherfucker ... This is bad , like really bad and I'm pretty certain that if I don't do anything right now, I'm gonna die right here on the bathroom floor ...
Ok , so , I crawl out of the bathroom , grab the moped keys and crawl out of the apartment , down the stairs and fuck knows how but I manage to hoist myself onto the moped , all the time my body is saying to me " Go on son , just lie down and have a rest will ya " , but that's just not gonna happen though coz I'm in full on survival mode by this point: I'm fucked if I'm gonna draw my last breath on this shithole island thank you very much .
Sooo , I start the moped up and just ride , I couldn't even see the fukin road and I damn well nearly hit three or four cars on the way down the hill to the resort , I could remember seeing a doctors on the main drag , but fuck knows where ? I finally spot what looks like a green cross and I just go for it , I didn't even get off the moped , I just rode the fukin thing straight through the surgery door and dumped it ( with myself still onboard ) onto the waiting room floor . The engine was still running and the back wheel still spinning as I passed out and that's all I can remember till I woke up in a hospice with a drip in my arm a day later ..

" Your a very lucky boy " the doctor said , " another couple of hours and you might not have been here "

Great , I wish I hadn't of been here really.

So , I get back to my apartment feeling better but still weak and I'm greeted by my mate T who's come a week early , I'd already sent him the details of where I was staying before I got sick ..

" Fuck me , you look like a fukin refugee mate ? "

I think I lost about two and a half stone ?

" Cheers mate , welcome to fukin hell "

So the next week was a little better and apart from T getting ripped off by every fukin club owner that he DJ'd for , it was moderately tolerable ..

The third week just as I was getting into the swing of things , getting laid every night etc. , D , the girl I'd come here to get away from in the first place turned up as a suprise !!

Fukin suprise alright , but not a good one .

So the rest of the holiday was spent going over the same old fukin arguments again and again. I'd already made my mind up to leave her before I'd even got on the plane , so her arriving there was a just a waste of more of my fukin time to be honest , we hadn't even slept together for eight months , there's no fukin way as a 22yrs old that you can ( or will ) put up with that kinda shit in a relationship , she was one of those use sex as a weapon types , no , not fukin interested babe , go fuck with somebody elses head mate ( and she did , and ended up with a smack head , as a smack head with a smack baby in a smack heads bedsit , Oooops ) . Shame really , she was a stunningly beautiful girl once , but what's the point of that if your never alowed to touch !!

So yeah , Malia , it's hot , it's full of British pissheads and the locals are the nastiest bunch of moody fuckers I've ever met , you wouldn't think that it's us ( the tourists ) who are probably floating that fukin resorts economy , ungratefull fuckers ( If your from Malia and your a nice person my apologies , but I didn't fukin meet you ? )

Holiday from hell , I can safely say that I'm not going to that , or any other Greek Island for that matter on a holiday ever again.

Thanks but no thanks !!


Blogger ty bluesmith said...

awesome fucking post!!!

i felt your misery

6:49 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

Thanks ty , I felt it to !!

6:58 pm  
Blogger mcdolph said...

fuck me! wot an 'orrible 'oliday! got any photos??!!!!....

4:20 pm  
Anonymous roxyfoxy said...

You were lied to ! i seem to remember scoring a nice 8th back in 96 when i was there.(and it was a shithole then !)

9:36 pm  
Blogger london cokehead said...

You've been too mate , you know what I mean then ..

I did eventualy score there , but It took a lot of work ( and money !! )

1:29 am  

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